Saturday, June 22, 2019

Disappointment

Saturday:

I went to my graduation last night. Because I studied part time, most of my friends from class graduated the year before, and one of them won an award for being best in the year. Ever since then I’d really really wanted to win it! I was so excited when I was told I was going to get an award. So I was so disappointed when it was “only” for being best at Cataloguing - shared with Lauren. Who also got best in Reference, and best overall. And last year we were both recommended for an internship,  and she won it. I know I should still be happy to get AN award but it wasn’t THE award.

So I was feeling a little vulnerable, and then Tim showed me the photos he took of me accepting my award and diploma. OMG. I had thought I was looking rather cute in my best librarian dress. But in the photos I looked old and dumpy and so very very fat. I was crushed. I felt awful for the rest of the night. My heart still sinks when I remember.

My weight has crept up to 74.8kg and I need to turn that around. But even at 3kg lighter than this, I think I thought I was thinner than I really was. Maybe in comparison to my biggest, I felt smaller. But I’m still more than 15 kg overweight. In particular I hate seeing side-on photos. My stomach is so big, it looks so unhealthy. I am very short, so my healthy weight is 53-58kg according to the charts.

I turn 49 in a couple of weeks. A year to 50. Time to get healthy so I can enjoy the second half of my life.
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4 comments:

  1. BlodsJune 23, 2019 at 1:26 AM

    Congrats on the award Natalie,even if it wasn't quite what you'd hoped for. You have been so successful at getting back into work and doing so well in your course, I have always been very impressed by your achievements.I'm sure you can get on top of the weight issue, daunting as it might seem. Definitely worth getting healthy for 50. Blods xx

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    Replies
    1. NatalieJune 28, 2019 at 8:10 PM

      Thanks Blods. I did work hard in my course and I'm enjoying being back at work - although it is challenging!

      Delete
  2. Janie JunebugJune 23, 2019 at 2:35 PM

    I'm sorry for your unhappiness. Every time I get up from my desk at work I see my reflection in a window and I think, Who is that fat, ugly old woman? Congratulations, though, on graduating and getting an award. It took me 20 years to get my college degree.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NatalieJune 28, 2019 at 8:11 PM

      For some reason I often feel reasonably attractive in a mirror - but not a window reflection! And definitely not in photos. Urg.

      Delete

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