Upheavals

more Thursday:

No-one has actually said 'congratulations, you have the job' but they've agreed to my pay and hours (after some negotiation, I started high) and we are at the stage of organising a security clearance so I am pretty much assuming I have this job. I think they are desperate for more people to get the project done in time, it's already been going for months.

As I said earlier today, although it is only a part time job for a couple of months, and I never really doubted my ability to get it, and it's not even in an area I am particularly interested in; it feels like a really big deal to me. I haven't worked in an office since August 2002, more than ten years ago. I realised today I have very few suitable clothes, I live in jeans and sneakers. How am I going to go shopping, and exercise, and do what minimal housework I usually do? How do other people manage? It's all kind of scary.

Worst of all my husband is away for work for a couple of days just as this is all happening, and I can't even contact him during the day. I didn't have him here to talk to about the decision, or show him the contract, or have his reassurance.

I keep telling myself that it will be fine, I used to work full time in an office (although I didn't have kids then!), I am good at my job, I'll shop after work/school with the kids, other people do it all the time. And if I hate it it's only until the end of June (or a bit longer). Maybe it will teach me to really appreciate freelancing from home!

My expected start date is Monday week so I still have a week to organise myself. The kids are going to go to after school care one day a week which they are really excited about and on the other days I'll be back in time to pick them up from school. The office is within walking distance, about half an hour each way. The pay is better than I make with fiction editing (I charge less for fiction than I do for business/government work), and with the extra hours I'll end up making quite a bit more money than usual. If they like me it will almost certainly lead to more work.

This is a good thing. Just scary.

F*ck

later Wednesday:

I just got a blood glucose reading of 10.8 mmol/L. Do you know when they call it diabetes? 11.0. Ok, that is 11.0 in carefully controlled circumstances exactly two hours after 75g of carbs with you sitting calmly the whole time after eight hours of fasting after three days of carb loading. But still, this is a horribly high number, the highest I've ever had. I am feeling really scared right now but that is a good thing. I need to keep this level of urgency, this determination.

I had a healthy lunch of chicken and salad. But I'm supposed to have carbs with each meal, so then I had some rice crackers that I bought before last Wednesday when I was told they were high GI. I wasn't ever going to buy more, but a shame to waste the yummy ones I already had, right? I had the amount of carbs allowed for the meal. Less than an hour later I started to feel a bit odd. It's hard to describe, but I've come to recognise a certain feeling as meaning my blood gluscose is high. I tested myself, and it was 10.8 mmol/L. Way above the "normal person's" high of 8 (which is what I aim for), above the "acceptable for a diabetic" 10.

I went to pick up the kids, feeling scared and trembly and very self-critical for my stupidity. When I tested myself again my blood glucose was down to 9.4. I'm not sure exactly what time I ate the rice crackers but this is probably around the 2 hour point.

I am absolutely determined that this lesson is now learned. It is not just the amount of carbs, but the type that matters. No high-GI foods.

The snack cuboard has gradually filled again since I last cleared it. Mostly stuff for the kid's school lunchbox, semi-junk like muesli bars and fruit sticks. But quite a few blocks of chocolate; my own purchases and left-overs. Chocolate biscuits (mine). The rice crackers (now gone, I gave the rest to the kids). A few random lollies left from Aiden's birthday. Marshmallows for hot chocolate. Chocolates that Tim gave me. It's embarrassing how much is in there.

D&D was moved to tonight and I will put out everything in that cupboard that isn't for the kids (I'm not really tempted by their stuff) and keep one block of quality dark chocolate for myself. Anything not consumed will be thrown away. I can't have it in the house. I already ate some of the Doritos I  bought for D&D when I found out it was postponed, I threw the rest away this morning because I didn't think an open packet would make it through the day.

I need to keep this level of panic. 11.0 might be a bit arbitrary for diagnosing diabetes, but at some point around that there is no going back. Prediabetes is reversable but diabetes isn't.

Another half an hour has passed and my blood glucose is 7.6 mmol/L, within normal limits. That's what high-GI means; a quick high then a quick drop.

later: I tested my blood glucose again after another half hour and it was down to 6, the bottom of the range (4-6 when fasting, like before breakfast, 6-8 two hours after meals). I should have had a snack. I didn't. I was just glad it was down. An hour and a half after that I was preparing dinner and I started to feel very odd, much like I did last week at gymnastics. I was trembling and it felt like my heart was racing. I felt very hungry, but dinner was only 15 mins away so that wasn't unusual. Then I started sweating heavily.

I went and checked my blood yet again. 3.9 mmol/L. I also, a bit later, checked the diabetes website. The definition of hypglycemic attack was under 4.0 and the early warning signs were:
*weakness, trembling or shaking
*feeling dizzy, light-headed
*sweating
*hunger
*tachycardia (racing heartbeat)
Four out of five. I was having a hypo. Presumably I did last week when I felt like this.

I had a chocolate biscuit and soon afterwards I had dinner. When I checked the website I found that chocolate is actually not so great because the fat in it makes it too slow-acting. Pure sugar, like soft drink or jelly beans, are better.

I am not a diabetic. I shouldn't be having hypos. Or peaks of 10.8 mmol/L. I am clearly getting worse.

Less than an hour after dinner I am back up to 8.2, a fraction too high but ok as long as it doesn't go higher. I am not getting this right. But I shouldn't have to be so careful. Very scary.

photo of blood glucose monitors by Bernard Farrell