#metoo

Thursday:

I forgot to say that my weight Monday morning was 76.0 kg, which is up another 0.3 from the 75.7 the week before BUT the mornings since then have been 75.5, 75.6 and 75.4 kg so I think the 76 was an outlier that can be ignored. If I look at the following three days I'm actually down a little bit since last week.

In light of the Time magazine person of the year being the #metoo movement (or so I read), I will tell a #metoo story of my own though I don't really like thinking about that kind of thing. It was late-ish at night, I took a taxi alone from a group gathering in the city to the train station. I was a Uni student at the time, so around 20 years old. I don't really like being in the city at night but felt safe once I got in the taxi. I got in the front seat, which seemed normal to me then. I don't do that anymore. The driver was male, maybe in his 30s. I asked him to take me to the train station. Once the car was under way, he put his hand on my arm and suggested he could drive me all the way home instead. I was terrified. I said I didn't have enough money for that. He suggested money wouldn't be a problem, I don't recall the exact words but it was clear he was offering to drive me home in return for sex. It is not in my nature to react aggressively to confrontation, and also I was scared of what he would do if I was 'rude'. He was a man, much stronger than me and older, and in control of a moving vehicle. I stayed extremely polite, said no thanks, the station was fine, just the station, probably shaking and stuttering. I tried to memorise his details from the licence hanging on the dashboard. He tried to convince me but ended up dropping me at the station.

He was not verbally threating and I'm pretty sure now he wouldn't have done anything without my consent but I felt completely powerless. I considered throwing myself from the taxi when we were stopped at the lights. I said 'no thanks, just take me to the station' several times but in quite a weak polite way. I did not wrench my arm away from the contact, I didn't know what to do. I was scared to make him angry. And I was scared to get out of the taxi in a random location in the city at night, would I be any safer? Should I get out? Would he make me get out if I was 'rude'? But was he going to drive me somewhere of his own choice? I didn't know the city well, couldn't even be sure he was taking me to the station. I had no power, so scared, trying to make plans of what to do if...

When I got home I told my older brother. He was of the opinion that the taxi driver was just offering, he hadn't hurt or threatened me, and how else was he supposed to pick up girls or find out if they were willing to exchange services for sex unless he asked them? And I hadn't strongly told him to piss off so I was giving mixed messages. The driver hadn't really done anything wrong. Not the response I was hoping for. But pretty common male thinking apparently. I can see that side of it, but it seems they can't see what it's like to get an offer like that in a situation of such power imbalance. If I was in a club surrounded by friends and other people it would have been a different thing (although the touching would still be creepy); but alone, when and where it happened was very threatening because I had no way to get away from him or control where we went and no friends to defend me. I did try to complain to the taxi company but nothing ever happened, I can't remember now if I wasn't able to remember the driver's details or if they just never got back to me.

Well that took longer than I expected to write.