Friday:
May was a bit of a disaster in terms of weight loss; I barely exercised, ate a lot of junk, and unsurprisingly regained over a kg.
But the good news is that today is the start of a new WW week and is also the start of a new month (June) and a new season (Winter). A good day to take a deep breath and begin again.
It would have been good to get to myWW meeting this morning but I am down with the flu again. Day 3 of feeling like death warmed up. Actually, as usual for me lately, I have a pretty mild case; but I have general fatigue, a sore throat, and alternate sweating and chills that are particularly unpleasant at night. It is also TTOM, so I'm not sure if some of the aches and tiredness are attributable to that.
My interim goal is to look after myself by resting, drinking lots of fluid (as usual, a big issue for me), and nurturing my body with healthy food instead of junk. And start tracking again, even if I eat bad things! I have somehow got right out of the habit of tracking and rarely get past breakfast.
While dropping off my kids at school (I drove today) I saw a friend who I rarely get to talk to anymore since she started full-time work, and we stood chatting for a few minutes beside our cars (in the freezing cold!). We have discussed our weight often before -- she only has about 5 kg (12 pounds) to lose but has struggled with that little bit since I've known her -- and she commented that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight. I was wearing my lovely flattering new coat but I have lost a few kgs lately so that was nice to hear.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tango
Wednesday:
Tim and I had our first ballroom dancing lesson on Sunday, my ten-year anniversary present to him. We have both done some dance before -- I did a couple of years of ballroom and tap back in my Uni days, we had lessons for a while before our wedding, and Tim has done lessons in various other styles like jazz and is currently doing hiphop. But it's been a while since we've done ballroom so we are starting with beginner lessons.
This week it was the tango, which neither of us have done before. It was fun; and although tango is only walking pace, you have to tense your muscles a fair bit so it was at least a little bit of exercise. There were maybe 20 people there, unfortunately with a few unattached females so the men felt honour-bound to occassionally share themselves around. Still, most of the time Tim and I were dancing together. The kids played their Nintendos happily and there was a platter of food so that kept them quiet.
Just before we left one woman was chatting to us about how we would probably argue a lot about dancing -- on remembering the steps I think -- and how she and her husband fight all the time about it. She was quite insistent about it. Tim and I smiled politely but with inward scoffing. We don't really argue about anything, let alone something like who remembered the steps correctly. Our "argument" might go something like:
1. Is that right? I thought it went like this.
2. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure it was this way.
1. Oh, ok. I can't really remember. We'll do it that way and check next week.
I had a bit of a problem with my shoes. I never wear heels anymore, even with dresses I wear boots with no heel. But ballroom calls for high heels. I wore some but my feet were sore by the time we walked into the studio, so I changed into the sneakers I had thoughtfully brought with me just in case. They totally didn't go with the dress, but at least I was comfortable. I need to buy some kind of compromise.
Tim and I had our first ballroom dancing lesson on Sunday, my ten-year anniversary present to him. We have both done some dance before -- I did a couple of years of ballroom and tap back in my Uni days, we had lessons for a while before our wedding, and Tim has done lessons in various other styles like jazz and is currently doing hiphop. But it's been a while since we've done ballroom so we are starting with beginner lessons.
This week it was the tango, which neither of us have done before. It was fun; and although tango is only walking pace, you have to tense your muscles a fair bit so it was at least a little bit of exercise. There were maybe 20 people there, unfortunately with a few unattached females so the men felt honour-bound to occassionally share themselves around. Still, most of the time Tim and I were dancing together. The kids played their Nintendos happily and there was a platter of food so that kept them quiet.
Just before we left one woman was chatting to us about how we would probably argue a lot about dancing -- on remembering the steps I think -- and how she and her husband fight all the time about it. She was quite insistent about it. Tim and I smiled politely but with inward scoffing. We don't really argue about anything, let alone something like who remembered the steps correctly. Our "argument" might go something like:
1. Is that right? I thought it went like this.
2. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure it was this way.
1. Oh, ok. I can't really remember. We'll do it that way and check next week.
I had a bit of a problem with my shoes. I never wear heels anymore, even with dresses I wear boots with no heel. But ballroom calls for high heels. I wore some but my feet were sore by the time we walked into the studio, so I changed into the sneakers I had thoughtfully brought with me just in case. They totally didn't go with the dress, but at least I was comfortable. I need to buy some kind of compromise.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Breakfasts
Sunday:
I have tried porridge, quinoa porridge, rvyita, and today the buckwheat pancakes from a WW cookbook. All horrible. If they were the only food available and I was starving; then yes, I would eat them. But they aren't and I'm not so I won't.
As I've said before, I don't really like cereal and I am not that keen on eggs -- certainly not every day even if I had time to cook them on weekdays -- so I am really struggling to find something healthy. I'm down to toast, or cruskits when I am feeling weak-willed.
I am toying with the idea of non-breakfast foods for breakfast. My dad is a big meat eater and for preference will have left-overs from dinner for breakfast. When he visits I try to make sure I have some left-over roast for him. Should I try something like that for myself? "They" do say you should have breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I enjoy a bigger meal at night but maybe I could try swapping breakfast and lunch.
Or maybe just stick with the toast, and find a few different toppings for my single slice. Peanut butter, cheese, creamed corn. Hmmm, that is all I can think of.
I have tried porridge, quinoa porridge, rvyita, and today the buckwheat pancakes from a WW cookbook. All horrible. If they were the only food available and I was starving; then yes, I would eat them. But they aren't and I'm not so I won't.
As I've said before, I don't really like cereal and I am not that keen on eggs -- certainly not every day even if I had time to cook them on weekdays -- so I am really struggling to find something healthy. I'm down to toast, or cruskits when I am feeling weak-willed.
I am toying with the idea of non-breakfast foods for breakfast. My dad is a big meat eater and for preference will have left-overs from dinner for breakfast. When he visits I try to make sure I have some left-over roast for him. Should I try something like that for myself? "They" do say you should have breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I enjoy a bigger meal at night but maybe I could try swapping breakfast and lunch.
Or maybe just stick with the toast, and find a few different toppings for my single slice. Peanut butter, cheese, creamed corn. Hmmm, that is all I can think of.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
and Happy
Friday:
I continued to feel tired and depressed this morning. Tim was feeling unwell enough to consider staying home, although he didn't in the end, which made me wonder if I am just feeling down while I get over the flu -- but I have been feeling very sad on and off for months or longer so I don't think so.
I was cowardly and didn't go my WW meeting, although I enjoyed it so much last week I couldn't face a semi-public gain. Pathetic of me. I did the grocery shopping and put several bad things in the trolley. And then, worse, I bought KFC for lunch. At 11 am! And it was just as greasy and horrible as you would expect. I ate one and a bit pieces, and some not-very-good chips. And felt like I had been dumped in a bucket of lard. KFC has the worst fried chicken ever.
But.
About half an hour later I started to feel really happy. All the sad feelings lifted, and instead of feeling extra bad from a big helping of guilt; I just feel good. Food makes me feel good. Often bad food makes me feel very good. Definitely my drug of choice.
Ten years ago I spent a few weeks on a low carb diet and was grumpy and tired and irritable the whole time. Could my current emotional struggles be at least partly to do with restricting my diet?
It doesn't really seem likely, considering how much cheating I am doing. I just don't know. If I was sticking to the WW plan I would be eating moderate levels of carbohydrate -- a lot less that I am used to -- and much less processed food. Dramatically reduced white sugar, msg, preservatives and artificial additives. It could certainly be argued that my body could react to that. But I haven't been sticking to that very well, so maybe I can rule that out. Unless it's from suddenly reintroducing too much junk after a break? Arg! I don't know.
I have been badly depressed once in my life; the ten months after giving birth to my first child. I had severe PND that I tried to hide and didn't talk about until it was getting better. This "depression" is not like that. I am not in any danger of ending my life or anything like that. I just feel sad a lot, like there is nothing I really want to be doing and I don't know where my life is going. It's more like when I had my chonic pain and I wasn't sure if it would ever end and how it would affect my life. That was an external thing, stemming from something that was happening to me, completely understandable I think. The PND was -- I believe -- hormonal and not triggered by anything in my life other than my body going crazy. As soon as my periods returned my emotions started getting back to normal. I have no idea what is causing the current problem, which is why I am writing pages about it.
I am happily married with lovely children, no financial problems, nice house etc. Very little stress. I do feel a bit isolated and lonely, as I was saying yesterday. I feel at a bit of a loose end. I have my freelance work and volunteer work. I spend a lot of time wasting time, doing very little. I am a very slack housekeeper. I would love to write a book and learn the guitar but never spend any time on either. I used to love gardening, now I pay someone to do it and I rarely step into the yard.
I'm not going anywhere with this ramble. I'm just looking for answers.
I am not going to start eating junk food every day to keep my mood up. Apart from being very unhealthy, being overweight also makes me very unhappy. Maybe I can learn to get a high from exercise. Never have yet, but I can keep hoping.
I continued to feel tired and depressed this morning. Tim was feeling unwell enough to consider staying home, although he didn't in the end, which made me wonder if I am just feeling down while I get over the flu -- but I have been feeling very sad on and off for months or longer so I don't think so.
I was cowardly and didn't go my WW meeting, although I enjoyed it so much last week I couldn't face a semi-public gain. Pathetic of me. I did the grocery shopping and put several bad things in the trolley. And then, worse, I bought KFC for lunch. At 11 am! And it was just as greasy and horrible as you would expect. I ate one and a bit pieces, and some not-very-good chips. And felt like I had been dumped in a bucket of lard. KFC has the worst fried chicken ever.
But.
About half an hour later I started to feel really happy. All the sad feelings lifted, and instead of feeling extra bad from a big helping of guilt; I just feel good. Food makes me feel good. Often bad food makes me feel very good. Definitely my drug of choice.
Ten years ago I spent a few weeks on a low carb diet and was grumpy and tired and irritable the whole time. Could my current emotional struggles be at least partly to do with restricting my diet?
It doesn't really seem likely, considering how much cheating I am doing. I just don't know. If I was sticking to the WW plan I would be eating moderate levels of carbohydrate -- a lot less that I am used to -- and much less processed food. Dramatically reduced white sugar, msg, preservatives and artificial additives. It could certainly be argued that my body could react to that. But I haven't been sticking to that very well, so maybe I can rule that out. Unless it's from suddenly reintroducing too much junk after a break? Arg! I don't know.
I have been badly depressed once in my life; the ten months after giving birth to my first child. I had severe PND that I tried to hide and didn't talk about until it was getting better. This "depression" is not like that. I am not in any danger of ending my life or anything like that. I just feel sad a lot, like there is nothing I really want to be doing and I don't know where my life is going. It's more like when I had my chonic pain and I wasn't sure if it would ever end and how it would affect my life. That was an external thing, stemming from something that was happening to me, completely understandable I think. The PND was -- I believe -- hormonal and not triggered by anything in my life other than my body going crazy. As soon as my periods returned my emotions started getting back to normal. I have no idea what is causing the current problem, which is why I am writing pages about it.
I am happily married with lovely children, no financial problems, nice house etc. Very little stress. I do feel a bit isolated and lonely, as I was saying yesterday. I feel at a bit of a loose end. I have my freelance work and volunteer work. I spend a lot of time wasting time, doing very little. I am a very slack housekeeper. I would love to write a book and learn the guitar but never spend any time on either. I used to love gardening, now I pay someone to do it and I rarely step into the yard.
I'm not going anywhere with this ramble. I'm just looking for answers.
I am not going to start eating junk food every day to keep my mood up. Apart from being very unhealthy, being overweight also makes me very unhappy. Maybe I can learn to get a high from exercise. Never have yet, but I can keep hoping.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sad
Thursday:
I don't know what is going on with me at the moment. I seem to have lost all motivation and momentum. I have barely exercised this month, rarely tracked, often eaten with disregard for the WW rules. It's weigh-in tomorrow and I will definitely have a gain this week.
I was sick earlier in the week and although I don't feel sick now I do still feel tired and a bit down. I hesitate to use the word depressed as that has such a specific clinical meaning these days, but certainly down in spirits. I have been sneezing and my eyes are very watery and I wonder if this is a bit of post-flu depression? I feel like I'm having some kind of existensial crisis. Am I really any good at my job? It certainly doesn't make much money. Why am I trying to lose weight -- will my life be any different if I do? What do I want my life to be like anyway?
The lack of exercise may be affecting my spirits, and/or the cold weather. Or not enough sleep. Or isolation. My best friend here started a full time job yesterday so there won't be any more after-school playdates and cups of tea. There used to be several other families we would get together with, but haven't for a while. I work from home, alone all day; see other parents briefly when I pick up the kids from school; Tim gets home in the evening, last night quite late but always after the kids & I have had dinner and they are getting ready for bed. I don't see anyone or talk to anyone all day. I read other people's blogs and get a thrill if they reply to a comment I have made. Sometimes I play online computer games -- World of Warcraft always had lots of chat with real people but there doesn't seem to be any of that on Rift, and my current game -- Diablo 3 -- is not multiplayer unless you link up with people you know as Tim & I sometimes do in the evenings.
I was wondering last night if quitting the gym was a bad idea. I was really enjoying my Kinect games at the time but going to the gym got me out of the house and at least seeing other people even if I rarely spoke to them. And lately I haven't even been doing Kinect games.
I used to go out to meetings relating to my writing and editing -- three nights a month -- and they involved real interaction with other people. I would even sometimes meet up with people during the day to sit in a cafe and write. For for many months now I just couldn't be bothered. Even though Tim would make a big effort to get home in time, I wouldn't go. Too cold out, too dark, too tired, can't be bothered. Prefer watching TV.
At the moment, aside from the occasional kids' playdate which seem to have dried up, I generally see people twice a week. D&D supper night, and my WW meeting. I don't think it is enough. But the thing is, I don't really feel like I want to see people. Often when I have the opportunity, I don't. So much easier to just slump at home.
I don't feel like working. I don't feel like exercising. I don't feel like arranging to meet people and have a good time.
Maybe I am a bit depressed.
I don't know what is going on with me at the moment. I seem to have lost all motivation and momentum. I have barely exercised this month, rarely tracked, often eaten with disregard for the WW rules. It's weigh-in tomorrow and I will definitely have a gain this week.
I was sick earlier in the week and although I don't feel sick now I do still feel tired and a bit down. I hesitate to use the word depressed as that has such a specific clinical meaning these days, but certainly down in spirits. I have been sneezing and my eyes are very watery and I wonder if this is a bit of post-flu depression? I feel like I'm having some kind of existensial crisis. Am I really any good at my job? It certainly doesn't make much money. Why am I trying to lose weight -- will my life be any different if I do? What do I want my life to be like anyway?
The lack of exercise may be affecting my spirits, and/or the cold weather. Or not enough sleep. Or isolation. My best friend here started a full time job yesterday so there won't be any more after-school playdates and cups of tea. There used to be several other families we would get together with, but haven't for a while. I work from home, alone all day; see other parents briefly when I pick up the kids from school; Tim gets home in the evening, last night quite late but always after the kids & I have had dinner and they are getting ready for bed. I don't see anyone or talk to anyone all day. I read other people's blogs and get a thrill if they reply to a comment I have made. Sometimes I play online computer games -- World of Warcraft always had lots of chat with real people but there doesn't seem to be any of that on Rift, and my current game -- Diablo 3 -- is not multiplayer unless you link up with people you know as Tim & I sometimes do in the evenings.
I was wondering last night if quitting the gym was a bad idea. I was really enjoying my Kinect games at the time but going to the gym got me out of the house and at least seeing other people even if I rarely spoke to them. And lately I haven't even been doing Kinect games.
I used to go out to meetings relating to my writing and editing -- three nights a month -- and they involved real interaction with other people. I would even sometimes meet up with people during the day to sit in a cafe and write. For for many months now I just couldn't be bothered. Even though Tim would make a big effort to get home in time, I wouldn't go. Too cold out, too dark, too tired, can't be bothered. Prefer watching TV.
At the moment, aside from the occasional kids' playdate which seem to have dried up, I generally see people twice a week. D&D supper night, and my WW meeting. I don't think it is enough. But the thing is, I don't really feel like I want to see people. Often when I have the opportunity, I don't. So much easier to just slump at home.
I don't feel like working. I don't feel like exercising. I don't feel like arranging to meet people and have a good time.
Maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Sick again
Monday:
Early Saturday morning, around dawn, I woke snuggled down in bed -- warm and cosy and just about the most contented I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't know what caused the happy fuzzy feeling but I wish I did. I went back to sleep and ended up sleeping in until 9. Lovely.
The weekend definitely went downhill from there.
I felt moderately unwell the whole weekend, and today as well. Principally fatigue; but also aching neck & shoulders, thighs, and lower back. I sat around all weekend, doing nothing. It was disappointing because Tim & I were supposed to go to our first ballroom dancing lesson on Sunday.
No exercise, and I even drove the kids to school this morning instead of walking. Urg. I feel yuck.
I seem to have had a similar ailment a few times lately. In a positive light, I haven't been nearly as sick as some people so maybe I'm catching the germs going round but fighting them off. Autumn seems to be the real danger time here in Canberra, especially with young children. Everyone passes the germs around at school and then brings them home.
Early Saturday morning, around dawn, I woke snuggled down in bed -- warm and cosy and just about the most contented I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't know what caused the happy fuzzy feeling but I wish I did. I went back to sleep and ended up sleeping in until 9. Lovely.
The weekend definitely went downhill from there.
I felt moderately unwell the whole weekend, and today as well. Principally fatigue; but also aching neck & shoulders, thighs, and lower back. I sat around all weekend, doing nothing. It was disappointing because Tim & I were supposed to go to our first ballroom dancing lesson on Sunday.
No exercise, and I even drove the kids to school this morning instead of walking. Urg. I feel yuck.
I seem to have had a similar ailment a few times lately. In a positive light, I haven't been nearly as sick as some people so maybe I'm catching the germs going round but fighting them off. Autumn seems to be the real danger time here in Canberra, especially with young children. Everyone passes the germs around at school and then brings them home.
Friday, May 18, 2012
An old post I found hiding
Tuesday (I found this draft from 3 Jan 2012 so I'm posting it even though it is very old):
Tim went back to work today. He has been doing most of the child-wrangling and a lot of the housework over the festive season so I could work (read, read, read); but now I am on my own. I am certainly not getting as much reading done!
I didn't sleep well last night, summer has finally hit here after a cool and rainy December. I don't like the heat and really struggle to sleep and to work. Luckily we have air con, so I can at least cool down in the lounge room.
Today has involved 40 mins editing work, 30 mins Kinect Dance with the kids, dozing off while trying to read, making lunch, dozing off while trying to read (again), then the grocery shopping.
The shopping trip deserves a bit of a rant. First day back after a long weekend so the shops were quite crowded. We parked a long way from the doors and it was a hot trudge through the car park. Queued at the post office, queued at the bank only to find a cheque hadn't cleared yet so I didn't have much money in that account, no fantasy calendars at the first calendar stall. Upstairs to another calendar stall, grabbed last dragon one. Yay. 40% off -- because we are a whole three days into the NY? Excellent. Walked all the way to the other end of the shopping centre to the newsagent to buy a business diary. Found a nice one. Another win.
Then things started to go a bit wrong. The kids and I were all a little tired by now, and hungry. I didn't buy anything for myself as I didn't think there were any good choices handy -- I would have bought a banana but there were only green ones at the fruit shop -- but I got Jasmine a sushi roll and Aiden an expensive ham & cheese pastry from the bread shop where I also asked for a loaf of bread ... then found I had no cash left. Just enough for Aiden's pastry. The kids ate while I queued at the auto teller for my other bank. Jasmine found she couldn't eat her sushi -- she only likes the rice & the nori wrapping, she pulled all the cucumber filling out but it had some kind of green sauce tainting the whole thing. So into the bin. Waste, and she is still hungry, but I was not willing to spend even more money when hopefully we would be home soon. Get to auto teller. My card is not in my wallet. Drag kids back to last place I used it, the newsagent. They give me my card.
Back to queue at the auto teller again, then the bread shop to get the loaf, and finally into Woolworths to do a couple of days worth of grocery shopping. To find the shelves half-empty. It was weird, I assume a horde of people descended this morning after the long weekend and they hadn't been able to restock. I was too tired (and bit cranky) to face going back to the fruit shop or another supermarket; so I literally grabbed the last capsicum, the last half a broccoli, the last 4 or 5 snow peas at the bottom of the tray. The grapes and watermelon were really old and yuck, no peaches ... Anyway, we'll make do. At least they had plenty of salad vegetables, and the meat I wanted.
Hiked back through the car park in the heat, drove home in stinking hot car, put the perishables in the fridge, got kids drinks icecreams (hmm, it seems to end here...)
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