Tuesday:
PMS plus post-flu sadness has left me rather down today. It was supposed to be a lovely summery day; and although it isn't cold, it's grey and gloomy. Tomorrow is still forecast as hot - but windy, so I don't know if that is any better. We've been using the pool heater for the past three days which has definitely taken the chill out of the water (the best we could hope for at this time of year, considering we turn it off at night and don't have a pool blanket) in hopes of being able to try out the new pool tomorrow. I haven't been in yet. We'll see.
I spent the whole day studying. No motivation to exercise or go outside, except to water the turf again. It all seems to have survived the first week, which is good. The vegetable seedlings all look healthy too.
Headachy and cranky. I'll get over it.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Monday, September 11, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Maybe by next Christmas
Monday:
The pool builders are back from their Christmas holidays today. The guy who is doing the rock edging and water feature came out to offer his services for other landscaping (laying paving and building us new steps). We liked his concept and are waiting for his quote. But he told us something very sad, prefaced by "can I be honest?" (always a bad sign) he doesn't think the pool will be ready before the end of summer. We still have a month and a half left! But there is still a lot to be done: the plumbing and surfacing the concrete and a million other things. This guy isn't the site manager but he is pretty experienced in the industry. Sad and disappointing - we were originally told "by Christmas"! Maybe they meant Christmas 2017.
Standing out in the sun talking to him in the middle of the day for 40 minutes on a scorcher was no fun. Felt a bit sick. I should have got a hat but I didn't know we'd be out so long. At least Tim is home at the moment to talk to the tradesmen so he doesn't hear everything second-hand through me.
Although he took the kids out for an hour this afternoon and as soon as they'd gone there was a knock on the door - I thought it was him having forgotten something. But was a delivery guy with a stack of big boxes and heavy bags of rocks! Good timing Tim (getting out of the heavy lifting). I got the guy to carry it around to inside the side gate. Pool stuff like the filter and pump apparently, the rocks are part of the filter system?, we had no idea it was going to be delivered today (or any day).
...well surprise surprise, the back of my neck is now a lovely shade of magenta.
The pool builders are back from their Christmas holidays today. The guy who is doing the rock edging and water feature came out to offer his services for other landscaping (laying paving and building us new steps). We liked his concept and are waiting for his quote. But he told us something very sad, prefaced by "can I be honest?" (always a bad sign) he doesn't think the pool will be ready before the end of summer. We still have a month and a half left! But there is still a lot to be done: the plumbing and surfacing the concrete and a million other things. This guy isn't the site manager but he is pretty experienced in the industry. Sad and disappointing - we were originally told "by Christmas"! Maybe they meant Christmas 2017.
Standing out in the sun talking to him in the middle of the day for 40 minutes on a scorcher was no fun. Felt a bit sick. I should have got a hat but I didn't know we'd be out so long. At least Tim is home at the moment to talk to the tradesmen so he doesn't hear everything second-hand through me.
Although he took the kids out for an hour this afternoon and as soon as they'd gone there was a knock on the door - I thought it was him having forgotten something. But was a delivery guy with a stack of big boxes and heavy bags of rocks! Good timing Tim (getting out of the heavy lifting). I got the guy to carry it around to inside the side gate. Pool stuff like the filter and pump apparently, the rocks are part of the filter system?, we had no idea it was going to be delivered today (or any day).
...well surprise surprise, the back of my neck is now a lovely shade of magenta.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Twenty five: resisting
Friday:
I slept poorly with more bad dreams (but no night sweats) and struggled to get up. And struggled through the morning. I think my hormones are all over the place. I was feeling pretty headachy and tired and cranky and miserable. I had yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and even though I was full it didn't satisfy me today. So I had some bacon (mmm, salty). And tea with a teensy bit of sugar (a third of a teaspoon). Not enough to taste sweet, but enough to balance the bitterness so it's drinkable. I might go with that for a while, but then again I might feel all energetic and virtuous tomorrow and change back. Who knows? I certainly don't.
We did the grocery shopping and I seriously considered having a "day off", a binge, just eating whatever. I felt yuck so I needed it, right? I DESERVED junk food to make me feel better. The big breakfast saved me. I think if I'd been even the slightest bit hungry or unsatisfied I would have given in. But I was able to resist. I told myself I could have some dark chocolate at home later if I wanted, but no junk from the shops. (I did indeed have a couple of squares of dark chocolate later.)
All day I had slightly bigger meals than usual and so went over my calorie budget for the day. That doesn't worry me so much. I know some people start with a strict calorie budget then gradually refine what they eat (hi Sean!) and that works well for them. I approach things from the opposite direction. I am more concerned with what I eat than how much I eat. Obviously I need to reduce calories to lose weight, but to be healthy I need to cut right down on processed food, added sugars, trans fats - and eat more fresh fruit and vegetables, healthy fats like nuts, and so on. I would rather have a day when I went over my calorie budget like today but all (even the bacon and the dark chocolate) within the general confines of the Mediterranean diet, than stick to a certain number of calories but all in the form of doughnuts and Doritos.
B: yoghurt with passionfruit, bacon, tea.
L: rotisserie chicken thigh, cucumber.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: steak, fried onion, salad.
I slept poorly with more bad dreams (but no night sweats) and struggled to get up. And struggled through the morning. I think my hormones are all over the place. I was feeling pretty headachy and tired and cranky and miserable. I had yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and even though I was full it didn't satisfy me today. So I had some bacon (mmm, salty). And tea with a teensy bit of sugar (a third of a teaspoon). Not enough to taste sweet, but enough to balance the bitterness so it's drinkable. I might go with that for a while, but then again I might feel all energetic and virtuous tomorrow and change back. Who knows? I certainly don't.
We did the grocery shopping and I seriously considered having a "day off", a binge, just eating whatever. I felt yuck so I needed it, right? I DESERVED junk food to make me feel better. The big breakfast saved me. I think if I'd been even the slightest bit hungry or unsatisfied I would have given in. But I was able to resist. I told myself I could have some dark chocolate at home later if I wanted, but no junk from the shops. (I did indeed have a couple of squares of dark chocolate later.)
All day I had slightly bigger meals than usual and so went over my calorie budget for the day. That doesn't worry me so much. I know some people start with a strict calorie budget then gradually refine what they eat (hi Sean!) and that works well for them. I approach things from the opposite direction. I am more concerned with what I eat than how much I eat. Obviously I need to reduce calories to lose weight, but to be healthy I need to cut right down on processed food, added sugars, trans fats - and eat more fresh fruit and vegetables, healthy fats like nuts, and so on. I would rather have a day when I went over my calorie budget like today but all (even the bacon and the dark chocolate) within the general confines of the Mediterranean diet, than stick to a certain number of calories but all in the form of doughnuts and Doritos.
B: yoghurt with passionfruit, bacon, tea.
L: rotisserie chicken thigh, cucumber.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: steak, fried onion, salad.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Nine: funeral
Wednesday:
Today was not a great day.
This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.
Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.
We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.
I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.
Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.
When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.
What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.
Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).
Today was not a great day.
This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.
Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.
We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.
I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.
Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.
When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.
What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.
Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Ultrasound and Sydney
Tuesday:
OMG what a stressful day. In summary, the ultrasound showed nothing, and we're going to Sydney!
I woke this morning feeling depressed. Scared maybe, about what the ultrasound could show? Tired, even though last night wasn't too bad, and struggling to cope. Knowing there was no use trying to lose weight, I've been trying for twenty years with no success whatsoever. Why bother? Yes I know I have sleep apnoea and almost-diabetes, but it's not like I haven't tried. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. If I can't be thin and happy maybe I should try to be fat and happy instead of fat and miserable.
But of course fat and happy is not so easy. Maybe some people can be healthy at any size, but I am tired and sick a lot of the time and I think obesity is the cause of most/all of that. I can't be happy while I'm sick and exhausted. So I am fat and unhappy, the worst of both sides. Depressed and defeated.
That was how I started the day.
My ultrasound was at 1:20 and I chose not to eat lunch beforehand. I had been comfort snacking all morning anyway. I filled up with water two hours before as required (you need a full bladder for a pelvic ultrasound, which is particularly unpleasant when you're pregnant but never comfortable), then drove to the appointment. Just as I got there I realised I didn't have my doctor referral with me. I started leaking tears. I parked and ran in to tell them but there was a long queue so I ran back out to the car to drive home and get it. Tears turned into uncontrolled sobbing. My bladder was full enough to hurt, I was going to be late for my appointment, I couldn't cope with life, I got every single red light on the way home. I cried all the way. I was just feeling completely overwhelmed. At home, I had to urinate. No way I could keep holding on. I sculled another glass of water, got the referral and drove back, about 25 minutes late. At least I managed to stop crying.
They had already taken in the person scheduled after me. So I had to wait. And wait. My bladder was bursting again, I hadn't had lunch, and I was starting to worry I wouldn't get home before the children finished school. I told the receptionist I had to urinate and she advised me to count to four then stand up which would stop the flow, so that my bladder wouldn't completely empty. By the time my radiologist (?is that the title?) got me from the waiting room, I was uncomfortably full again. And had to endure having my bladder and stomach pressed in various directions. With an ultrasound looking from the outside in, then the inside further in (what fun). Then wait while she went and got her supervisor because she couldn't find one of my ovaries. He couldn't find it either. (The same thing happened two years ago, but it was the opposite ovary they couldn't find. I do have two. I asked if it was my fat getting in the way, but no, they are just very small organs. Volume of one cubic centimetre.) I haven't got the official report yet, but they said they couldn't find anything that would cause my pelvic pain. Which is good news, I think. Maybe the blood test will show something, but the pain has greatly reduced over the past couple of days so hopefully it was a temporary ailment. And finally I got to empty my bladder!
I really wanted to pick up some take-away food for lunch but had to rush home and just made it before the kids, I passed them a couple of doors down. Because of a mis-communication with my friend, who knew I wasn't well, and her husband, who didn't know, two little friends of my children came home with them. I didn't mind really because the children play very well, have no need of supervision at their age, and all I had to do was put out some food and leave them to it. But I really needed a proper lunch, yet didn't want to either eat a meal in front of them all without offering, nor cook something for five people instead of one. I ended up just snacking. Not the best plan, I likely wasn't thinking at my best. I was exhausted and hungry and stressed, a bad combination.
I gratefully snuggled down in my armchair with my book and a lap-rug and then my husband rang. After checking how I was, he announced that the move to Sydney was happening. He doesn't actually have it in writing yet, nor a start date, but apparently all parties have approved. So we're moving! I have said I want it to be any time before Christmas, so I guess 3-4 months. I admit I'm more tired and overwhelmed right now than excited, but it's definitely a good thing. It's what I wanted. Time to start looking at houses again!
What a day.
Oh, one more thing. You remember my rumpus room, that was all finished and we put our stuff back out there on the weekend? (No, the roof hasn't started leaking again.) Well a guy from the parent company that hired all the contractors for our insurance-covered work called this morning and wanted to check out the quality of the job that had been done, and I said he was welcome to. He came and approved the nice new ceiling, and the paint job on the two white walls, but frowned at a little bit of white paint and/or plaster dust that had got on one of the two wooden walls. So now he's sending someone out to re-stain those two walls! They are coming Thursday. Not finished after all. I'll have to get Tim to move some boxes away from the walls a bit. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned about doing the perfect job, or if they are milking the insurance company for everything they can. I should probably tell them that the door sticks a bit! The saga continues.
I just checked and my ultrasound results are already up on the website (so awesome they have that feature! obviously I have a password to log in, it's secure, and I don't have to wait to see my doctor to start looking up the tricky words.) "No evidence of any pelvic mass." Those are the important words. Both this ultrasound and the one two years ago mention probable adenomyosis, which means some of my uterine lining is growing into the muscle wall. It can cause pain during heavy periods but doesn't seem to fit with current symptoms.
OMG what a stressful day. In summary, the ultrasound showed nothing, and we're going to Sydney!
I woke this morning feeling depressed. Scared maybe, about what the ultrasound could show? Tired, even though last night wasn't too bad, and struggling to cope. Knowing there was no use trying to lose weight, I've been trying for twenty years with no success whatsoever. Why bother? Yes I know I have sleep apnoea and almost-diabetes, but it's not like I haven't tried. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. If I can't be thin and happy maybe I should try to be fat and happy instead of fat and miserable.
But of course fat and happy is not so easy. Maybe some people can be healthy at any size, but I am tired and sick a lot of the time and I think obesity is the cause of most/all of that. I can't be happy while I'm sick and exhausted. So I am fat and unhappy, the worst of both sides. Depressed and defeated.
That was how I started the day.
My ultrasound was at 1:20 and I chose not to eat lunch beforehand. I had been comfort snacking all morning anyway. I filled up with water two hours before as required (you need a full bladder for a pelvic ultrasound, which is particularly unpleasant when you're pregnant but never comfortable), then drove to the appointment. Just as I got there I realised I didn't have my doctor referral with me. I started leaking tears. I parked and ran in to tell them but there was a long queue so I ran back out to the car to drive home and get it. Tears turned into uncontrolled sobbing. My bladder was full enough to hurt, I was going to be late for my appointment, I couldn't cope with life, I got every single red light on the way home. I cried all the way. I was just feeling completely overwhelmed. At home, I had to urinate. No way I could keep holding on. I sculled another glass of water, got the referral and drove back, about 25 minutes late. At least I managed to stop crying.
They had already taken in the person scheduled after me. So I had to wait. And wait. My bladder was bursting again, I hadn't had lunch, and I was starting to worry I wouldn't get home before the children finished school. I told the receptionist I had to urinate and she advised me to count to four then stand up which would stop the flow, so that my bladder wouldn't completely empty. By the time my radiologist (?is that the title?) got me from the waiting room, I was uncomfortably full again. And had to endure having my bladder and stomach pressed in various directions. With an ultrasound looking from the outside in, then the inside further in (what fun). Then wait while she went and got her supervisor because she couldn't find one of my ovaries. He couldn't find it either. (The same thing happened two years ago, but it was the opposite ovary they couldn't find. I do have two. I asked if it was my fat getting in the way, but no, they are just very small organs. Volume of one cubic centimetre.) I haven't got the official report yet, but they said they couldn't find anything that would cause my pelvic pain. Which is good news, I think. Maybe the blood test will show something, but the pain has greatly reduced over the past couple of days so hopefully it was a temporary ailment. And finally I got to empty my bladder!
I really wanted to pick up some take-away food for lunch but had to rush home and just made it before the kids, I passed them a couple of doors down. Because of a mis-communication with my friend, who knew I wasn't well, and her husband, who didn't know, two little friends of my children came home with them. I didn't mind really because the children play very well, have no need of supervision at their age, and all I had to do was put out some food and leave them to it. But I really needed a proper lunch, yet didn't want to either eat a meal in front of them all without offering, nor cook something for five people instead of one. I ended up just snacking. Not the best plan, I likely wasn't thinking at my best. I was exhausted and hungry and stressed, a bad combination.
I gratefully snuggled down in my armchair with my book and a lap-rug and then my husband rang. After checking how I was, he announced that the move to Sydney was happening. He doesn't actually have it in writing yet, nor a start date, but apparently all parties have approved. So we're moving! I have said I want it to be any time before Christmas, so I guess 3-4 months. I admit I'm more tired and overwhelmed right now than excited, but it's definitely a good thing. It's what I wanted. Time to start looking at houses again!
What a day.
Oh, one more thing. You remember my rumpus room, that was all finished and we put our stuff back out there on the weekend? (No, the roof hasn't started leaking again.) Well a guy from the parent company that hired all the contractors for our insurance-covered work called this morning and wanted to check out the quality of the job that had been done, and I said he was welcome to. He came and approved the nice new ceiling, and the paint job on the two white walls, but frowned at a little bit of white paint and/or plaster dust that had got on one of the two wooden walls. So now he's sending someone out to re-stain those two walls! They are coming Thursday. Not finished after all. I'll have to get Tim to move some boxes away from the walls a bit. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned about doing the perfect job, or if they are milking the insurance company for everything they can. I should probably tell them that the door sticks a bit! The saga continues.
I just checked and my ultrasound results are already up on the website (so awesome they have that feature! obviously I have a password to log in, it's secure, and I don't have to wait to see my doctor to start looking up the tricky words.) "No evidence of any pelvic mass." Those are the important words. Both this ultrasound and the one two years ago mention probable adenomyosis, which means some of my uterine lining is growing into the muscle wall. It can cause pain during heavy periods but doesn't seem to fit with current symptoms.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Waste
Wednesday:
Aiden was back to school today. I didn't have anything particular planned for the day and decided to stay home and not do much, and hope my brother would contact me. He often checks his email on Wednesdays. My uncle said he would go over today, but he is pretty annoyed about it. Darren has made himself almost completely uncontactable, and at such a time! And there was no guarantee that he would be home when my uncle went over there, or out of bed if he was home. He knew dad was very sick but hasn't contacted anyone for a week.
I didn't mention before, but of course we cancelled people coming over on Sunday night for Eurovision because I'd just found out my father died about an hour before they were due to arrive. I had mostly bought "real" food for snacks - a cheese platter with nuts and dried fruit, dips with vegetable crudités, chicken wings that I was going to prepare - but I did buy some chips and chocolate biscuits. The kids and I ate some of these that evening and I have broken down and eaten more chips since then. It's very bad for me to have this stuff in the house! I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment with everything that is going on plus it is that time of the month, so I have strong feelings of being entitled to drown my emotions with food.
I just have no interest in stuff like weight loss at the moment. I'm not doing my shoulder physio either. I know this is less than ideal, but I think I need to accept that a week or two isn't going to make a big difference in the long run and not feel guilty about it.
Staying at home all day was probably a mistake. I couldn't do much planning because of not knowing when we have to head back to Shepparton for the funeral. I got a few things done but mostly sat around and felt sad and ate. Now I feel like I really wasted today. I didn't do anything I enjoyed, I just felt stressed and anxious. Sitting at home didn't help. I should have gone out and done something.
By mid-afternoon I was starting to really wonder about my brother. With dad sick, and knowing he was hard to get in touch with, why hadn't he contacted anyone? I was starting to think something might have happened to him. But he finally emailed and then called late in the afternoon. Uncle Greg had gone around in the morning and broke the news, which he didn't know. At least that is done now. But he'll have to keep in contact if he wants the details of the funeral when we get them.
Aiden was back to school today. I didn't have anything particular planned for the day and decided to stay home and not do much, and hope my brother would contact me. He often checks his email on Wednesdays. My uncle said he would go over today, but he is pretty annoyed about it. Darren has made himself almost completely uncontactable, and at such a time! And there was no guarantee that he would be home when my uncle went over there, or out of bed if he was home. He knew dad was very sick but hasn't contacted anyone for a week.
I didn't mention before, but of course we cancelled people coming over on Sunday night for Eurovision because I'd just found out my father died about an hour before they were due to arrive. I had mostly bought "real" food for snacks - a cheese platter with nuts and dried fruit, dips with vegetable crudités, chicken wings that I was going to prepare - but I did buy some chips and chocolate biscuits. The kids and I ate some of these that evening and I have broken down and eaten more chips since then. It's very bad for me to have this stuff in the house! I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment with everything that is going on plus it is that time of the month, so I have strong feelings of being entitled to drown my emotions with food.
I just have no interest in stuff like weight loss at the moment. I'm not doing my shoulder physio either. I know this is less than ideal, but I think I need to accept that a week or two isn't going to make a big difference in the long run and not feel guilty about it.
Staying at home all day was probably a mistake. I couldn't do much planning because of not knowing when we have to head back to Shepparton for the funeral. I got a few things done but mostly sat around and felt sad and ate. Now I feel like I really wasted today. I didn't do anything I enjoyed, I just felt stressed and anxious. Sitting at home didn't help. I should have gone out and done something.
By mid-afternoon I was starting to really wonder about my brother. With dad sick, and knowing he was hard to get in touch with, why hadn't he contacted anyone? I was starting to think something might have happened to him. But he finally emailed and then called late in the afternoon. Uncle Greg had gone around in the morning and broke the news, which he didn't know. At least that is done now. But he'll have to keep in contact if he wants the details of the funeral when we get them.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Clean carpet
Monday:
We had our carpets cleaned first thing this morning, so we got up early to move all the smaller furniture off the carpet. Our house is all carpet! Everything was squeezed into the kitchen and bathrooms, leaving narrow corridors to essential locations. Got the kids off to school a little early and I sat in the kitchen putting up with the smell from the detergent warring with the freezing air from the open window. I'm hoping the carpet will clean up well enough that we don't have to replace it, it depends if the stains resurface after a couple of days. Last time we had a professional clean was shortly before we said goodbye to Thor. He was mostly housetrained by then, but not 100%. The carpet always looks beautiful after a clean, but sometimes stains mysteriously reappear.
I really need to get on with organising some minor repairs, either for selling the house or just for us to live here more comfortably. We are not at all handy people, more academic nerdy types. Still, I'm sure we can learn how to replace a tap washer or a door handle. Everything is online these days. We need to replace most of the blinds and curtains too. The only major thing that needs doing is some work on the ensuite bathroom. Unless we renovate instead of moving, then who knows the extent of the changes?
I've been watching various shows about renovating and selling homes, and apart from cleaning and repairing the house the main thing they recommend before trying to sell is to make the house very generic. Nothing that shows your personality. Furnish with a minimum of furniture, no clutter or knick knacks or feature walls or family photos. It seems a little boring and soulless to me, I like a house with personality, but apparently it can make it hard for other people to imagine themselves there. You want a showroom look, not a home.
Seeing my house almost empty of furniture except the beds and big items, I can understand their point. It looks pretty appealing. And much bigger!
I remember I loved this house the moment I walked in, and it has been a great house for us, but I think one thing that influenced me was it was a really hot day when I first viewed it and the lovely air conditioning was on! It has its faults, like all houses, and it's become a bit small for us with two active children, I am ready for a move if we can just work out where.
After the carpet cleaning guy was finished I went out for a walk. Really nice late-autumn day.
I spent the afternoon clearing out my desk drawers and filing cabinet and also going through some paperwork I brought from mum's house, and typing up her Eulogy. That was a bit exhausting, both emotionally and physically - my back was aching from lots of bending. And my brother called and we talked about dad being sick and how worrying that was. The kids didn't get home until 5:30 after French lesson and playing at a friend's house, so I was home alone until then. Long story short, I was feeling tired and sad by the end of the day and couldn't handle the idea of cooking dinner. I ordered pizza. I can't defend that choice. It certainly wasn't on the plan today, or anywhere close.
Report card:
Diet: Poor.
Exercise: Ok. A half hour walk.
Water: Poor. (When I let some of my rules go, I guess they all go.)
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Poor.
We had our carpets cleaned first thing this morning, so we got up early to move all the smaller furniture off the carpet. Our house is all carpet! Everything was squeezed into the kitchen and bathrooms, leaving narrow corridors to essential locations. Got the kids off to school a little early and I sat in the kitchen putting up with the smell from the detergent warring with the freezing air from the open window. I'm hoping the carpet will clean up well enough that we don't have to replace it, it depends if the stains resurface after a couple of days. Last time we had a professional clean was shortly before we said goodbye to Thor. He was mostly housetrained by then, but not 100%. The carpet always looks beautiful after a clean, but sometimes stains mysteriously reappear.
I really need to get on with organising some minor repairs, either for selling the house or just for us to live here more comfortably. We are not at all handy people, more academic nerdy types. Still, I'm sure we can learn how to replace a tap washer or a door handle. Everything is online these days. We need to replace most of the blinds and curtains too. The only major thing that needs doing is some work on the ensuite bathroom. Unless we renovate instead of moving, then who knows the extent of the changes?
I've been watching various shows about renovating and selling homes, and apart from cleaning and repairing the house the main thing they recommend before trying to sell is to make the house very generic. Nothing that shows your personality. Furnish with a minimum of furniture, no clutter or knick knacks or feature walls or family photos. It seems a little boring and soulless to me, I like a house with personality, but apparently it can make it hard for other people to imagine themselves there. You want a showroom look, not a home.
Seeing my house almost empty of furniture except the beds and big items, I can understand their point. It looks pretty appealing. And much bigger!
I remember I loved this house the moment I walked in, and it has been a great house for us, but I think one thing that influenced me was it was a really hot day when I first viewed it and the lovely air conditioning was on! It has its faults, like all houses, and it's become a bit small for us with two active children, I am ready for a move if we can just work out where.
After the carpet cleaning guy was finished I went out for a walk. Really nice late-autumn day.
I spent the afternoon clearing out my desk drawers and filing cabinet and also going through some paperwork I brought from mum's house, and typing up her Eulogy. That was a bit exhausting, both emotionally and physically - my back was aching from lots of bending. And my brother called and we talked about dad being sick and how worrying that was. The kids didn't get home until 5:30 after French lesson and playing at a friend's house, so I was home alone until then. Long story short, I was feeling tired and sad by the end of the day and couldn't handle the idea of cooking dinner. I ordered pizza. I can't defend that choice. It certainly wasn't on the plan today, or anywhere close.
Report card:
Diet: Poor.
Exercise: Ok. A half hour walk.
Water: Poor. (When I let some of my rules go, I guess they all go.)
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Poor.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Stress
Thursday:
Still really struggling with my mood today. Part of it of course is about my weight. I'd kind of been trying to buoy myself up a bit by telling myself that part of my gain was water weight that would quickly drop off with a couple of days of low carb/high water intake. Wrong. I guess it's just fat. I have lost a few hundred grams, quite reasonable for two days of eating clean, but nothing like my water weight hopes. The fat will come off, I know, if I keep persevering.
A big part of my stress at the moment is coming from the whole issue of moving house. We have lived here for 15 years and my husband has a secure well-paid job that is pretty specific to this city, our nation's capital. Most of our family lives in Sydney, where we both grew up, which is three to four hours away depending on which part. We've wanted to move back there for a while, and with the money from my mum we can afford it (house prices there are the highest in Australia and going up all the time). Ironically, moving there is no longer so urgent for me now that mum has died.
The problem is that there are no jobs in Sydney for Tim at his level. Almost no jobs in his area at all. He saw one this weekend he could apply for. The salary was less than half what he is getting now. Less than half! Even if he got the job - and I assume the competition would be fierce with so little available - do we want to move to a more expensive city with a lot less money coming in? I don't think that is an option.
Our current house is getting a bit small for us, and needs a lot of work because we've done nothing to maintain it over the years. So what do we do? Fix up this house a bit and sit here until a better job becomes available in Sydney, maybe years down the track? Do major renovations like three of our friends are doing right now, with all the expense and hassle that entails? Fix it up and sell it, buying a bigger house in the same city so Tim can keep his job, but moving away from the kids' school and friends without the benefit of being nearer family?
The other big problem is my husband works very long hours and has so much stress that he had to go on high blood pressure medication. Stress is the only issue, as far as we know, he exercises a lot and isn't overweight. It's just his job. And he gets home late every night. I'd love him to change jobs, if he could find one, to something less stressful and demanding - but not quite down to less than half his current pay!
Unless we did a complete seachange. Live quietly in a little town somewhere with much less money and much less stress. I don't think that is going to happen.
So. We just don't know what we are going to do. All a bit stressful.
I also has a really restless night for no apparent reason. But sometimes I think my mood isn't controlled by outer circumstances, just influenced by them. Maybe I just woke up on the sad side of the bed.
The kids went straight to their Lego after breakfast and I barely saw them to lunchtime. I didn't even make them get dressed, they were perfectly happy with lots of giggles and imaginative play. They play so well together. I read. We made little pizzas for lunch, then in the afternoon went to an indoor playground next to the airport. It was a lovely autumn day but that was what the kids chose, and I was happy to sit and read and rest my foot. Jumping castle and slides and vertical tunnels and a ball pit for the little ones. We were there for three hours, and the last people there! Then picked up Tim from work and went out for Chinese for dinner.
Report card:
Diet: Poor. Doughnut AND chips at the play land, Chinese for dinner (not too much, but very salty and probably had sugar too). I had struggled with cravings all morning due to sad mood, and gave in a bit in the afternoon.
Exercise: Nil, but I think this was a good choice. My foot feels much better after sitting around all day.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Good in the sense of sticking to my CPAP goals. But a bad night.
Mental health: Pretty bad all day, but I'm actually ending the evening ok. I feel like I got through the day without letting it descend into a disaster. So I ate a few things and didn't drink all my water. I did alright, considering.
Still really struggling with my mood today. Part of it of course is about my weight. I'd kind of been trying to buoy myself up a bit by telling myself that part of my gain was water weight that would quickly drop off with a couple of days of low carb/high water intake. Wrong. I guess it's just fat. I have lost a few hundred grams, quite reasonable for two days of eating clean, but nothing like my water weight hopes. The fat will come off, I know, if I keep persevering.
A big part of my stress at the moment is coming from the whole issue of moving house. We have lived here for 15 years and my husband has a secure well-paid job that is pretty specific to this city, our nation's capital. Most of our family lives in Sydney, where we both grew up, which is three to four hours away depending on which part. We've wanted to move back there for a while, and with the money from my mum we can afford it (house prices there are the highest in Australia and going up all the time). Ironically, moving there is no longer so urgent for me now that mum has died.
The problem is that there are no jobs in Sydney for Tim at his level. Almost no jobs in his area at all. He saw one this weekend he could apply for. The salary was less than half what he is getting now. Less than half! Even if he got the job - and I assume the competition would be fierce with so little available - do we want to move to a more expensive city with a lot less money coming in? I don't think that is an option.
Our current house is getting a bit small for us, and needs a lot of work because we've done nothing to maintain it over the years. So what do we do? Fix up this house a bit and sit here until a better job becomes available in Sydney, maybe years down the track? Do major renovations like three of our friends are doing right now, with all the expense and hassle that entails? Fix it up and sell it, buying a bigger house in the same city so Tim can keep his job, but moving away from the kids' school and friends without the benefit of being nearer family?
The other big problem is my husband works very long hours and has so much stress that he had to go on high blood pressure medication. Stress is the only issue, as far as we know, he exercises a lot and isn't overweight. It's just his job. And he gets home late every night. I'd love him to change jobs, if he could find one, to something less stressful and demanding - but not quite down to less than half his current pay!
Unless we did a complete seachange. Live quietly in a little town somewhere with much less money and much less stress. I don't think that is going to happen.
So. We just don't know what we are going to do. All a bit stressful.
I also has a really restless night for no apparent reason. But sometimes I think my mood isn't controlled by outer circumstances, just influenced by them. Maybe I just woke up on the sad side of the bed.
The kids went straight to their Lego after breakfast and I barely saw them to lunchtime. I didn't even make them get dressed, they were perfectly happy with lots of giggles and imaginative play. They play so well together. I read. We made little pizzas for lunch, then in the afternoon went to an indoor playground next to the airport. It was a lovely autumn day but that was what the kids chose, and I was happy to sit and read and rest my foot. Jumping castle and slides and vertical tunnels and a ball pit for the little ones. We were there for three hours, and the last people there! Then picked up Tim from work and went out for Chinese for dinner.
Report card:
Diet: Poor. Doughnut AND chips at the play land, Chinese for dinner (not too much, but very salty and probably had sugar too). I had struggled with cravings all morning due to sad mood, and gave in a bit in the afternoon.
Exercise: Nil, but I think this was a good choice. My foot feels much better after sitting around all day.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Good in the sense of sticking to my CPAP goals. But a bad night.
Mental health: Pretty bad all day, but I'm actually ending the evening ok. I feel like I got through the day without letting it descend into a disaster. So I ate a few things and didn't drink all my water. I did alright, considering.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Crushed
Well I got up this morning after a good night's sleep, 12 cups of water yesterday to flush out sodium, and got on the scale to find my weight is UP again. I am back to where I started. Again. Crushed.
I'm not saying I don't know why, exactly. But the thing is, apparently to lose weight and keep it off I have to be 100% perfect ALL THE TIME. And of course I am not. I am nowhere near perfect. So I lose a couple of kilograms or maybe only half a kilo and then I eat a bread roll and a couple of chocolate biscuits and the fat comes straight back. Five years, bouncing back to the same weight over and over.
Do I just give up now? Try to be happy at this weight? Do I go on some crazy punishing diet? Because what I am doing isn't working.
Could anything be more of a first world problem? Oh dear, I have so much tempting food available that I overeat. Gotta laugh, really. Or cry.
I'm not saying I don't know why, exactly. But the thing is, apparently to lose weight and keep it off I have to be 100% perfect ALL THE TIME. And of course I am not. I am nowhere near perfect. So I lose a couple of kilograms or maybe only half a kilo and then I eat a bread roll and a couple of chocolate biscuits and the fat comes straight back. Five years, bouncing back to the same weight over and over.
Do I just give up now? Try to be happy at this weight? Do I go on some crazy punishing diet? Because what I am doing isn't working.
Could anything be more of a first world problem? Oh dear, I have so much tempting food available that I overeat. Gotta laugh, really. Or cry.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Foggy
Tuesday:
I didn't write yesterday because I was in some kind of time warp where minutes and hours kept disappearing from my day. Like in the morning I sat down to do some desk work, wasn't very productive so got up to exercise and it was already 11:00, not 10:00 as I had thought. And daylight savings doesn't change here for another couple of weeks so it isn't that. I went out and took an hour and a half to do a small grocery shop. What was I doing, did I fall asleep leaning on the trolley? I don't even know where the afternoon went.
I did half an hour Fantasia exercise and ate well until evening, where I ate about 500 unnecessary calories because I was tired.
Today we all accidentally slept in for half an hour. We never use an alarm clock unless we have to get up really early for a flight or something, we just always wake up on time. Today was a strange exception. I was dopey and tired all morning and really depressed as well most of the day. Tim either has bad hayfever or has a cold, and I now suspect I am fighting something off or maybe hayfever too. It could be affecting my mood and my ability to keep track of time.
I spent the morning out present shopping for my husband (Saturday) (successful) and my sister-in-law (Sunday) (unsuccessful). Despite tiredness and general sadness I resisted getting any junk food and came home to a healthy lunch. Plus a couple of chocolate biscuits, the last ones from the packet that I should have thrown out days ago but didn't. At least they lasted nearly a whole week, since last Wednesday night. I had planned to go to the gym after shopping but that didn't happen. Kind of lucky, because straight after I'd eaten there was a knock at the door and it was the loans officer from the bank, I had completely forgotten the appointment. Shows how foggy I am.
The upshot of various factors like work and finances means it makes sense for us to start looking to move in two or three months. So I guess that is what we will do. Gives us time to work on this house a bit. This afternoon I set the kids a quest to fill a bag with rubbish from each of their rooms, which they did easily, and we also went through clothes and filled three big bags with too-small things to go to charity. So that is five bags less of clutter in the house already. It's a start.
Report card:
Diet: Poor, but I'm giving myself some points for it not being a lot worse.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Good, but not nearly enough.
Mental health: Poor.
I do feel like I'm coming down with something. My face feels like it weighs twice as much as it should. I prescribe rest and chicken soup.
I didn't write yesterday because I was in some kind of time warp where minutes and hours kept disappearing from my day. Like in the morning I sat down to do some desk work, wasn't very productive so got up to exercise and it was already 11:00, not 10:00 as I had thought. And daylight savings doesn't change here for another couple of weeks so it isn't that. I went out and took an hour and a half to do a small grocery shop. What was I doing, did I fall asleep leaning on the trolley? I don't even know where the afternoon went.
I did half an hour Fantasia exercise and ate well until evening, where I ate about 500 unnecessary calories because I was tired.
Today we all accidentally slept in for half an hour. We never use an alarm clock unless we have to get up really early for a flight or something, we just always wake up on time. Today was a strange exception. I was dopey and tired all morning and really depressed as well most of the day. Tim either has bad hayfever or has a cold, and I now suspect I am fighting something off or maybe hayfever too. It could be affecting my mood and my ability to keep track of time.
I spent the morning out present shopping for my husband (Saturday) (successful) and my sister-in-law (Sunday) (unsuccessful). Despite tiredness and general sadness I resisted getting any junk food and came home to a healthy lunch. Plus a couple of chocolate biscuits, the last ones from the packet that I should have thrown out days ago but didn't. At least they lasted nearly a whole week, since last Wednesday night. I had planned to go to the gym after shopping but that didn't happen. Kind of lucky, because straight after I'd eaten there was a knock at the door and it was the loans officer from the bank, I had completely forgotten the appointment. Shows how foggy I am.
The upshot of various factors like work and finances means it makes sense for us to start looking to move in two or three months. So I guess that is what we will do. Gives us time to work on this house a bit. This afternoon I set the kids a quest to fill a bag with rubbish from each of their rooms, which they did easily, and we also went through clothes and filled three big bags with too-small things to go to charity. So that is five bags less of clutter in the house already. It's a start.
Report card:
Diet: Poor, but I'm giving myself some points for it not being a lot worse.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Good, but not nearly enough.
Mental health: Poor.
I do feel like I'm coming down with something. My face feels like it weighs twice as much as it should. I prescribe rest and chicken soup.
Friday, March 13, 2015
A bit sad
Friday:
Woke up today feeling stressed and depressed. Are we really thinking of borrowing a lot of money just when we've finally paid off our house? And all the stress and bother of moving house, new job, new schools, preparing old house for sale? And my novel needs a lot of revision, why did I ever think it was any good? And this whole losing weight thing, obviously I am a failure at that. My weight went up last weekend and is only a bit down from then - still high above my last weigh-in so I have to get rid of that extra weight before even starting on the "virgin weight". With two busy weekends full of temptations coming up. Why is life so difficult and scary and stressful? So that is how I started the day. Probably just a reaction to a couple of days of adrenalin.
And then I logged on and found that Terry Pratchett had died, which is really sad. He was a fantastic British comedic fantasy author (with lots of social commentary in his comedy) who the world had already kind of lost as an author several years ago due to early onset Alzheimer's. He was only 66 when he died. I have at least 30 books of his and I've been reading them since my early teens when I discovered him as an author, he's probably published one a year since then, until recently.
And then on my facebook stream I saw a clip from an upcoming episode of The Big Bang Theory which is about the death of Howard's mother (the actress recently died in real life) so you can imagine how the whole "mother death" impacted me today. I should have just stayed in bed.
I got out of the house, went out and did some essential shopping, like for my niece's second birthday party this weekend. I got books. I love giving books. Started feeling a bit better.
Came home and started re-reading one of my favourite Terry Pratchett books in memory of him while I had lunch.
Then got a phone call from probably the same people who scammed me last year about my computer, or another group who do the same thing. Of course this time I just made some loud obnoxious noises into the phone and hung up, but it gave me some bad stress flashbacks about last time when they actually got details from me and I had wipe my computer and change my credit cards (they didn't get any money, but it was scary).
I just noticed it's Friday the 13th. Ha. I don't believe in the power of a date, but when I worked in the public service the mentally unbalanced people really did seem to be affected by full moons, there were a lot more incidents during those two or three days. I guess if the moon cycle can affect something as big as the ocean, with tides, why not the human brain?
So, anyway, nothing terrible has happened to me today but I just feel down and everything is reminding me about the sadder side of life. I feel overwhelmed and tired. Hopefully better tomorrow.
Report card:
All poor.
Woke up today feeling stressed and depressed. Are we really thinking of borrowing a lot of money just when we've finally paid off our house? And all the stress and bother of moving house, new job, new schools, preparing old house for sale? And my novel needs a lot of revision, why did I ever think it was any good? And this whole losing weight thing, obviously I am a failure at that. My weight went up last weekend and is only a bit down from then - still high above my last weigh-in so I have to get rid of that extra weight before even starting on the "virgin weight". With two busy weekends full of temptations coming up. Why is life so difficult and scary and stressful? So that is how I started the day. Probably just a reaction to a couple of days of adrenalin.
And then I logged on and found that Terry Pratchett had died, which is really sad. He was a fantastic British comedic fantasy author (with lots of social commentary in his comedy) who the world had already kind of lost as an author several years ago due to early onset Alzheimer's. He was only 66 when he died. I have at least 30 books of his and I've been reading them since my early teens when I discovered him as an author, he's probably published one a year since then, until recently.
And then on my facebook stream I saw a clip from an upcoming episode of The Big Bang Theory which is about the death of Howard's mother (the actress recently died in real life) so you can imagine how the whole "mother death" impacted me today. I should have just stayed in bed.
I got out of the house, went out and did some essential shopping, like for my niece's second birthday party this weekend. I got books. I love giving books. Started feeling a bit better.
Came home and started re-reading one of my favourite Terry Pratchett books in memory of him while I had lunch.
Then got a phone call from probably the same people who scammed me last year about my computer, or another group who do the same thing. Of course this time I just made some loud obnoxious noises into the phone and hung up, but it gave me some bad stress flashbacks about last time when they actually got details from me and I had wipe my computer and change my credit cards (they didn't get any money, but it was scary).
I just noticed it's Friday the 13th. Ha. I don't believe in the power of a date, but when I worked in the public service the mentally unbalanced people really did seem to be affected by full moons, there were a lot more incidents during those two or three days. I guess if the moon cycle can affect something as big as the ocean, with tides, why not the human brain?
So, anyway, nothing terrible has happened to me today but I just feel down and everything is reminding me about the sadder side of life. I feel overwhelmed and tired. Hopefully better tomorrow.
Report card:
All poor.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Minimising the damage
later Thursday:
So I went to do my tax and the online system wasn't working me for, I rang up and went through all the long process of getting through to a real person only to be told that it was a known problem, happening to everyone, try again in a couple of hours. Which I will do. But I was already unhappy and this made me more frustrated.
I had my afternoon snack even though it was really early. Then I wandered around the house like a disgruntled ghost, avoiding all the other things I could be doing, sad and unsettled, and I gave into food. Oh, I resisted for a while first. But then I crumbled. Luckily we didn't have anything truly bad in the house. But I felt annoyed with myself afterwards, defeated. I'd already had my afternoon snack before the kids even got home from school and here I was eating extra! And I thought about eating more and more. Eating had squashed down all the bad feelings for a few moments, I wanted to repeat that. But I had just been re-reading my cognitive therapy book and one of the things it talked about was getting back on track after a binge, and all the reasons it was better to stop right now than continue and make it worse. And I put the food details into my calorie tracker. And you know how many extra calories I had eaten? 200. 200 is nothing, in the big scheme of things. 200 calories is not a disaster. Certainly not a reason to give up and eat even more.
I could, if I wanted, have a tiny dinner and still get in under my daily calories, but I am not going to. I am going to have my normal planned dinner, back on track, as if I hadn't stepped off the rails there for a minute at all. I was having a bad day, I need to learn to deal with stress some other way, but I am not going to dwell on it unduly or beat myself up. I'm forgiven.
... Hmm.
While waiting for dinner to cook I ate a couple of squares of chocolate and an unknown number of cashews - I didn't weigh them I just ate them straight out of the packet. And then later in the evening I ate some more chocolate, not because I was still upset but just because I'd kind of given up on the day. Despite the part of me saying that was a wrong-headed attitude, I still went with the "start again tomorrow" option. Total damage, around 800 calories extra for the day.
So I went to do my tax and the online system wasn't working me for, I rang up and went through all the long process of getting through to a real person only to be told that it was a known problem, happening to everyone, try again in a couple of hours. Which I will do. But I was already unhappy and this made me more frustrated.
I had my afternoon snack even though it was really early. Then I wandered around the house like a disgruntled ghost, avoiding all the other things I could be doing, sad and unsettled, and I gave into food. Oh, I resisted for a while first. But then I crumbled. Luckily we didn't have anything truly bad in the house. But I felt annoyed with myself afterwards, defeated. I'd already had my afternoon snack before the kids even got home from school and here I was eating extra! And I thought about eating more and more. Eating had squashed down all the bad feelings for a few moments, I wanted to repeat that. But I had just been re-reading my cognitive therapy book and one of the things it talked about was getting back on track after a binge, and all the reasons it was better to stop right now than continue and make it worse. And I put the food details into my calorie tracker. And you know how many extra calories I had eaten? 200. 200 is nothing, in the big scheme of things. 200 calories is not a disaster. Certainly not a reason to give up and eat even more.
I could, if I wanted, have a tiny dinner and still get in under my daily calories, but I am not going to. I am going to have my normal planned dinner, back on track, as if I hadn't stepped off the rails there for a minute at all. I was having a bad day, I need to learn to deal with stress some other way, but I am not going to dwell on it unduly or beat myself up. I'm forgiven.
... Hmm.
While waiting for dinner to cook I ate a couple of squares of chocolate and an unknown number of cashews - I didn't weigh them I just ate them straight out of the packet. And then later in the evening I ate some more chocolate, not because I was still upset but just because I'd kind of given up on the day. Despite the part of me saying that was a wrong-headed attitude, I still went with the "start again tomorrow" option. Total damage, around 800 calories extra for the day.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Lacklustre
Thursday:
Today I felt dull and sad, a big contrast to earlier in the week when I felt quite perky. I dragged myself to the gym, dragged myself through a lacklustre workout where the screen visuals of the Grand Canyon and the French countryside seemed boring and uninspiring, made myself have a shower, forced myself to eat my planned healthy lunch instead of ALL THE THINGS. Actually, anything else would have been way too much effort to go out and get.
Still on track. Still plodding along. I'm not sick, just feeling down. Maybe worried about my mum. Maybe bad sleep. Both. Had a bad dream.
Now I'm going to do my tax. Due tomorrow. Having a bad day anyway, might as well wallow in it.
Today I felt dull and sad, a big contrast to earlier in the week when I felt quite perky. I dragged myself to the gym, dragged myself through a lacklustre workout where the screen visuals of the Grand Canyon and the French countryside seemed boring and uninspiring, made myself have a shower, forced myself to eat my planned healthy lunch instead of ALL THE THINGS. Actually, anything else would have been way too much effort to go out and get.
Still on track. Still plodding along. I'm not sick, just feeling down. Maybe worried about my mum. Maybe bad sleep. Both. Had a bad dream.
Now I'm going to do my tax. Due tomorrow. Having a bad day anyway, might as well wallow in it.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Out of kilter
Thursday:
My day was a bit out of kilter. We decided this morning to sell our little puppy (I expect it to take a few days or even weeks, so he is still here at the moment) and even though it was primarily my decision and I think it was the right one, it was still a bit upsetting. I was feeling stressed, guilty and sad - and of course tired - all day.
I got out to the shops later than I'd planned. My fridge is now overflowing with healthy meat and vegetables again, but I had a few things to do and I ended up being out way past my usual morning snack time. It was approaching lunchtime and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I'd been up since 6am. I was really hungry. Being a low carb day, my snack was supposed to be protein, fat and veggies. I ended up having some beef jerky (it was BBQ flavoured and had 5g of sugar which I didn't realise until after) and a punnet of strawberries - berries are fruit of course but pretty low carb. It wasn't ideal, but I think I did ok considering. Better than something from the food court.
Lunch at home, much later than usual, was also messed up, as I hadn't been able to buy what I'd planned to have and hadn't got an alternative. I ended up having some cheese and cashews, a big bowl of tomato soup and a carrot.
I'd had lunch so late I didn't have an afternoon snack. Dinner was barramundi (fish) with lemon pepper, cucumber and carrot sticks, and a stir fry of celery, leek, snow peas, baby corn and cashews.
That is only four meals/snacks today when I am supposed to have five. I will have another snack before bed if I'm hungry, but I don't like eating late. That is, of course I do like eating late at night, that is why I am obese, but I don't think I should.
I am actually really proud of myself, underneath all the other feelings. I was all unsettled and emotionally uncomfortable and hungry and tired and I was right there at the shops, surrounded by a million unhealthy choices, but I didn't turn to food. I did the best I could and did a reasonable job of sticking to my plan today. I refused to take comfort in a packet of chocolate biscuits. Good job, Natalie.
My day was a bit out of kilter. We decided this morning to sell our little puppy (I expect it to take a few days or even weeks, so he is still here at the moment) and even though it was primarily my decision and I think it was the right one, it was still a bit upsetting. I was feeling stressed, guilty and sad - and of course tired - all day.
I got out to the shops later than I'd planned. My fridge is now overflowing with healthy meat and vegetables again, but I had a few things to do and I ended up being out way past my usual morning snack time. It was approaching lunchtime and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I'd been up since 6am. I was really hungry. Being a low carb day, my snack was supposed to be protein, fat and veggies. I ended up having some beef jerky (it was BBQ flavoured and had 5g of sugar which I didn't realise until after) and a punnet of strawberries - berries are fruit of course but pretty low carb. It wasn't ideal, but I think I did ok considering. Better than something from the food court.
Lunch at home, much later than usual, was also messed up, as I hadn't been able to buy what I'd planned to have and hadn't got an alternative. I ended up having some cheese and cashews, a big bowl of tomato soup and a carrot.
I'd had lunch so late I didn't have an afternoon snack. Dinner was barramundi (fish) with lemon pepper, cucumber and carrot sticks, and a stir fry of celery, leek, snow peas, baby corn and cashews.
That is only four meals/snacks today when I am supposed to have five. I will have another snack before bed if I'm hungry, but I don't like eating late. That is, of course I do like eating late at night, that is why I am obese, but I don't think I should.
I am actually really proud of myself, underneath all the other feelings. I was all unsettled and emotionally uncomfortable and hungry and tired and I was right there at the shops, surrounded by a million unhealthy choices, but I didn't turn to food. I did the best I could and did a reasonable job of sticking to my plan today. I refused to take comfort in a packet of chocolate biscuits. Good job, Natalie.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Lost in the ether
Thursday:
I'm upset right now, although starting to get some perspective. Usually I only write about an hour a day but I was really fired up with inspiration, getting close to the end of my manuscript. I worked on my novel all day over three sessions. The third session was in an earlier section that I'd only roughed out yesterday, so I didn't notice until the end that all the work I had done in the second session was gone. Just not there.
I am as certain as I can be - say 95% - that I saved it and copied it over to my USB as I always do for backup. When I went to copy it I couldn't see the USB on my desk then realised it was still plugged in from earlier. I remember that moment. Hard to be wrong about it.
Unless I didn't save it, closed the document, and copied over the same document I'd copied earlier in the day without the new work? Wouldn't it ask me if I wanted to close without saving?
I should be telling myself it's no big deal. It was only about an hour and a half of work, what is that in the scheme of things? But it was a very emotional scene, basically a main character offering to sacrifice his life for everyone else. I'll never write it again the same way. Maybe better. But not the same.
I feel all empty inside and yuck and sad. I worked so hard today. Gone.
Not all gone. A third gone. Feels like all gone.
I'm upset right now, although starting to get some perspective. Usually I only write about an hour a day but I was really fired up with inspiration, getting close to the end of my manuscript. I worked on my novel all day over three sessions. The third session was in an earlier section that I'd only roughed out yesterday, so I didn't notice until the end that all the work I had done in the second session was gone. Just not there.
I am as certain as I can be - say 95% - that I saved it and copied it over to my USB as I always do for backup. When I went to copy it I couldn't see the USB on my desk then realised it was still plugged in from earlier. I remember that moment. Hard to be wrong about it.
Unless I didn't save it, closed the document, and copied over the same document I'd copied earlier in the day without the new work? Wouldn't it ask me if I wanted to close without saving?
I should be telling myself it's no big deal. It was only about an hour and a half of work, what is that in the scheme of things? But it was a very emotional scene, basically a main character offering to sacrifice his life for everyone else. I'll never write it again the same way. Maybe better. But not the same.
I feel all empty inside and yuck and sad. I worked so hard today. Gone.
Not all gone. A third gone. Feels like all gone.
Friday, June 27, 2014
What do you turn to when you can't turn to food?
Friday:
I'm feeling a tiny bit sad today. Probably intensified by the fact I have a bit of a cold, as do my husband and daughter. But what I'm sad about is that the rest of my family will be away a lot of the weekend and I can't go because someone has to stay home with the puppy AND I can't comfort myself with food.
Typically if I'm feeling a bit lonely I turn to food. In fact sometimes I looked forward to it - oh, I'll be alone all evening so I'll have plenty of time to eat all that stuff I don't want to eat in front of my family. Yay.
So what do you do when you no longer use food as a drug? Where do you get comfort, companionship, distraction?
Some people turn to a new addiction, like alcohol. Obviously I don't want to do that.
I've had this problem a few times lately, when feeling stressed or bored or whatever. Not allowed food but I want something... I pace around aimlessly, flitting from task to task and abandoning each, unsettled. It was particularly bad on the scamming day because I couldn't use my computer to distract me either. At least I have that back.
Oh well, I'll survive.
I'm feeling a tiny bit sad today. Probably intensified by the fact I have a bit of a cold, as do my husband and daughter. But what I'm sad about is that the rest of my family will be away a lot of the weekend and I can't go because someone has to stay home with the puppy AND I can't comfort myself with food.
Typically if I'm feeling a bit lonely I turn to food. In fact sometimes I looked forward to it - oh, I'll be alone all evening so I'll have plenty of time to eat all that stuff I don't want to eat in front of my family. Yay.
So what do you do when you no longer use food as a drug? Where do you get comfort, companionship, distraction?
Some people turn to a new addiction, like alcohol. Obviously I don't want to do that.
I've had this problem a few times lately, when feeling stressed or bored or whatever. Not allowed food but I want something... I pace around aimlessly, flitting from task to task and abandoning each, unsettled. It was particularly bad on the scamming day because I couldn't use my computer to distract me either. At least I have that back.
Oh well, I'll survive.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Being scammed
Wednesday:
I was scammed today, by what was apparently a well-known group. They were certainly very smooth and professional. I never thought I would be taken in like that. I feel so stupid and upset. After 'grooming' me for an hour on the phone, they ended up with access to a lot of stuff on my computer. Of course everything is changed, banks notified etc now. I am writing this on my laptop, we are going to completely wipe my PC. I don't care if I lose a few unsaved photos or a few days writing. I'll feel safer.
When I found information about this particular scam later on a government website, it talked about how they use a mixture of friendliness and bullying and that was so true. I started off very cautious and they were calm and reassuring (I talked to a couple of different people) then later when I got suspicious somehow they were able to bully me into continuing. Oh I feel like an idiot.
I was vulnerable to this particular scam because I'd been having a lot of internet troubles for the past few days, with no internet access for hours at a time, so when someone from the internet provider called to help me fix it, it seemed quite reasonable. They didn't really know I was having problems, they just call people at random on the chance that quite often they will get someone who is.
It ended like this: I was trying to make a small payment to them, using my MasterCard online, but it apparently wasn't going through. So he got me to log into my bank account to see if the payment had been made. (Yes, stupid me.) He started flipping through screens from his end! He had access to my account. I burst into tears and he shouted at me, telling me he wasn't doing anything. He was really aggressive, how dare I accuse him. I was about to pull the plug, when he apparently put $1500 into my account. What the? (Turned out he had just transferred it from another of my accounts, which I didn't realise at the time.) It was weird enough to make me pause for a moment. I asked for an explanation and I didn't get one that made sense, but what he wanted me to do was go to an ATM and withdraw $1200 of this and put into his nominated account and I could keep the other $300. What what what?? I turned off the computer and pulled all the plugs on the modem etc, and even the landline phone, then called my husband, the bank, and the police. My husband came home for a while and also called his brother, who is a bit of a computer expert, for advice. I was shaking for an hour.
As far as I know I am have not lost any money, but they have quite a few of my personal details which is scary for identity theft.
One thing that almost gives me half a smile is when he asked me when I needed to get back to work and I said I didn't work, I was a housewife. Looking back, I can see his 'oh' was of disappointment!
Really though, I am very very unsettled and distressed. My stomach is all churned up and I feel sick still, many hours later.
Just to put the crown on my afternoon, the kids were still not home half an hour after school finished. They haven't been walking home without me for long, only a couple of weeks, and it is only two blocks away. There is no reason for it to take them half an hour. I got really scared and went out to search for them. I found them dawdling home over the school oval, apparently with no idea they had been playing with friends so long.
One ray of light in the gloom, I didn't turn to food. What I really wanted to do all afternoon was write it all out on my blog! Which I have finally got access to do. Writing it out helps, even though you all know now how stupid and gullible I am.
I just realised that yesterday the section I wrote for my novel (and didn't save to a USB, so will now be lost) was an exploration of how my heroine is extremely trusting and some people saw that as a weakness but others didn't. I suddenly see it as more of a fault than when I wrote it yesterday!
I was scammed today, by what was apparently a well-known group. They were certainly very smooth and professional. I never thought I would be taken in like that. I feel so stupid and upset. After 'grooming' me for an hour on the phone, they ended up with access to a lot of stuff on my computer. Of course everything is changed, banks notified etc now. I am writing this on my laptop, we are going to completely wipe my PC. I don't care if I lose a few unsaved photos or a few days writing. I'll feel safer.
When I found information about this particular scam later on a government website, it talked about how they use a mixture of friendliness and bullying and that was so true. I started off very cautious and they were calm and reassuring (I talked to a couple of different people) then later when I got suspicious somehow they were able to bully me into continuing. Oh I feel like an idiot.
I was vulnerable to this particular scam because I'd been having a lot of internet troubles for the past few days, with no internet access for hours at a time, so when someone from the internet provider called to help me fix it, it seemed quite reasonable. They didn't really know I was having problems, they just call people at random on the chance that quite often they will get someone who is.
It ended like this: I was trying to make a small payment to them, using my MasterCard online, but it apparently wasn't going through. So he got me to log into my bank account to see if the payment had been made. (Yes, stupid me.) He started flipping through screens from his end! He had access to my account. I burst into tears and he shouted at me, telling me he wasn't doing anything. He was really aggressive, how dare I accuse him. I was about to pull the plug, when he apparently put $1500 into my account. What the? (Turned out he had just transferred it from another of my accounts, which I didn't realise at the time.) It was weird enough to make me pause for a moment. I asked for an explanation and I didn't get one that made sense, but what he wanted me to do was go to an ATM and withdraw $1200 of this and put into his nominated account and I could keep the other $300. What what what?? I turned off the computer and pulled all the plugs on the modem etc, and even the landline phone, then called my husband, the bank, and the police. My husband came home for a while and also called his brother, who is a bit of a computer expert, for advice. I was shaking for an hour.
As far as I know I am have not lost any money, but they have quite a few of my personal details which is scary for identity theft.
One thing that almost gives me half a smile is when he asked me when I needed to get back to work and I said I didn't work, I was a housewife. Looking back, I can see his 'oh' was of disappointment!
Really though, I am very very unsettled and distressed. My stomach is all churned up and I feel sick still, many hours later.
Just to put the crown on my afternoon, the kids were still not home half an hour after school finished. They haven't been walking home without me for long, only a couple of weeks, and it is only two blocks away. There is no reason for it to take them half an hour. I got really scared and went out to search for them. I found them dawdling home over the school oval, apparently with no idea they had been playing with friends so long.
One ray of light in the gloom, I didn't turn to food. What I really wanted to do all afternoon was write it all out on my blog! Which I have finally got access to do. Writing it out helps, even though you all know now how stupid and gullible I am.
I just realised that yesterday the section I wrote for my novel (and didn't save to a USB, so will now be lost) was an exploration of how my heroine is extremely trusting and some people saw that as a weakness but others didn't. I suddenly see it as more of a fault than when I wrote it yesterday!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tired and sad
Tuesday:
I am really struggling with life at the moment. Months of not enough sleep are taking their toll. It's probably been going on longer than that, but in the last few months it's become critical. I think I am now mildly depressed. I've had real, deep depression just after my first child was born, ten months of PND, so I know what that is like and this isn't nearly that bad. But I have a constant mild sadness, inability to cope, lack of energy. Hard to separate tiredness from any other possible problems. But either way, tiredness is at the root of it.
I'd told the doctor and the sleep doctor that I haven't been aware of stopping breathing, which is the actual primary symptom of sleep apnoea. Night before last I did it, woke suddenly taking a big breath. And I realised I have been doing it occasionally for a while. I just (oddly) hadn't connected it to sleep apnoea. I think because I was expecting to feel like I was choking or something. But this feels like I've just forgotten to breathe.
I don't want it to be sleep apnoea. I don't want to wear one of those CPAP masks and try to sleep with it on. But on the other hand, imagine getting a good night's sleep. Imagine not being tired all the time, falling asleep during the day, waking often at night, headaches, irritability, depression, forgetting things. At least if I get some kind of diagnosis maybe they can help me. I should get the results soon, maybe by the end of this week.
My weight yesterday was 82.2kg. Going back up.
I am really struggling with life at the moment. Months of not enough sleep are taking their toll. It's probably been going on longer than that, but in the last few months it's become critical. I think I am now mildly depressed. I've had real, deep depression just after my first child was born, ten months of PND, so I know what that is like and this isn't nearly that bad. But I have a constant mild sadness, inability to cope, lack of energy. Hard to separate tiredness from any other possible problems. But either way, tiredness is at the root of it.
I'd told the doctor and the sleep doctor that I haven't been aware of stopping breathing, which is the actual primary symptom of sleep apnoea. Night before last I did it, woke suddenly taking a big breath. And I realised I have been doing it occasionally for a while. I just (oddly) hadn't connected it to sleep apnoea. I think because I was expecting to feel like I was choking or something. But this feels like I've just forgotten to breathe.
I don't want it to be sleep apnoea. I don't want to wear one of those CPAP masks and try to sleep with it on. But on the other hand, imagine getting a good night's sleep. Imagine not being tired all the time, falling asleep during the day, waking often at night, headaches, irritability, depression, forgetting things. At least if I get some kind of diagnosis maybe they can help me. I should get the results soon, maybe by the end of this week.
My weight yesterday was 82.2kg. Going back up.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Pre-pre-diabeties test
Wednesday:
It's been nearly a year since I found out I had pre-diabetes and last time I saw my doctor a couple of months ago (actually it was the first time I saw this new doctor who I am going to stick with) she gave me a referral for another test. Glucose tolerance, plus iron and folate and everything else she could think of. There is a list of 13 things to test for! I assume they do it all with the same bit of blood? Or not too many vials, anyway.
I've booked the test in for next week. The GTT (glucose tolerance) requires three days of "carb loading" then a fast. I always complain about the carb loading because it is so much starch/sugar -- much more than I usually eat -- but this time I am going to enjoy it while I can before I cut right back afterwards.
I found that giving up on losing weight makes me even unhappier than trying and failing. The trying is also difficult and unpleasant, but right now I'm in the best of all possible worlds; holiday indulgence/doctor-mandated carb-loading but with the virtuous feeling that I am going to start being "good" very soon. That's kind of a joke, but true at the same time. The "I'll start on Monday" promise that lets you feel good about yourself while not actually making any changes in the now. Giving up your cake and eating it too.
We had spaghetti bolognaise last night, obviously a high-carb meal, so I tested my blood two hours later -- something I haven't done for a while. Not as accurate as the real GTT but gives me an indication. It was 8.5 mmol/L (up to 7.8 is normal, 11.0 is diabetes) which is a little high but not too bad. I don't expect this GTT to say I have diabetes. Probably still in the pre-diabetes range. It will be interesting to see if I am better or worse, because I did work hard for a while (before I got slack again, but never as bad as I used to be) on eating low GI foods, not too many carbs at once etc. I hope a bit better.
My main anti-diabetes goal was to lose weight and I have failed at that. Right now I am a couple of kgs heavier than I was then. Not a big increase, but it should be a loss not a gain.
I seem to be having two hormonal emotional slumps each cycle instead of just PMS (something to discuss with my doctor) but I feel a lot more hopeful today than when I wrote the last post.
It's been nearly a year since I found out I had pre-diabetes and last time I saw my doctor a couple of months ago (actually it was the first time I saw this new doctor who I am going to stick with) she gave me a referral for another test. Glucose tolerance, plus iron and folate and everything else she could think of. There is a list of 13 things to test for! I assume they do it all with the same bit of blood? Or not too many vials, anyway.
I've booked the test in for next week. The GTT (glucose tolerance) requires three days of "carb loading" then a fast. I always complain about the carb loading because it is so much starch/sugar -- much more than I usually eat -- but this time I am going to enjoy it while I can before I cut right back afterwards.
I found that giving up on losing weight makes me even unhappier than trying and failing. The trying is also difficult and unpleasant, but right now I'm in the best of all possible worlds; holiday indulgence/doctor-mandated carb-loading but with the virtuous feeling that I am going to start being "good" very soon. That's kind of a joke, but true at the same time. The "I'll start on Monday" promise that lets you feel good about yourself while not actually making any changes in the now. Giving up your cake and eating it too.
We had spaghetti bolognaise last night, obviously a high-carb meal, so I tested my blood two hours later -- something I haven't done for a while. Not as accurate as the real GTT but gives me an indication. It was 8.5 mmol/L (up to 7.8 is normal, 11.0 is diabetes) which is a little high but not too bad. I don't expect this GTT to say I have diabetes. Probably still in the pre-diabetes range. It will be interesting to see if I am better or worse, because I did work hard for a while (before I got slack again, but never as bad as I used to be) on eating low GI foods, not too many carbs at once etc. I hope a bit better.
My main anti-diabetes goal was to lose weight and I have failed at that. Right now I am a couple of kgs heavier than I was then. Not a big increase, but it should be a loss not a gain.
I seem to be having two hormonal emotional slumps each cycle instead of just PMS (something to discuss with my doctor) but I feel a lot more hopeful today than when I wrote the last post.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Stop kidding myself
Monday night:
I've given up even kidding myself that I am actively trying to lose weight. I am wishing I was thinner -- a completely different thing. I have a brief bout of "I'll do better tomorrow" every night at bed time but it doesn't even last through breakfast the next day. Feeling bad about failing to be "good" just leads to more comfort eating. Thinking about dieting leads to panicked binging. I know I am in total control of what I put into my body. But it doesn't always feel that way. I want, I buy, I eat, I feel guilty.
Soon I am going away for a few days and will be on holidays, eating at restaurants and snacking at events. A lot of me feels like it's not worth the effort to be "good" for only a couple of days before that then have to start again when I get back. I could lie and say I'll eat healthily while away, but we all know how likely that is when I can't eat healthily at home.
I've been wondering if I've been having some hormonal issues, I have life-long problems I won't go into here that may be getting worse and I will talk to my doctor about very soon, maybe changing some medication. But even saying that feels like a cop-out, blaming my weight on anything other than myself and my own actions.
Why is it a constant battle with myself? Not just weight, lots of things. My behaviour does not advance me towards my goals, but I seem incapable of change.
I've given up even kidding myself that I am actively trying to lose weight. I am wishing I was thinner -- a completely different thing. I have a brief bout of "I'll do better tomorrow" every night at bed time but it doesn't even last through breakfast the next day. Feeling bad about failing to be "good" just leads to more comfort eating. Thinking about dieting leads to panicked binging. I know I am in total control of what I put into my body. But it doesn't always feel that way. I want, I buy, I eat, I feel guilty.
Soon I am going away for a few days and will be on holidays, eating at restaurants and snacking at events. A lot of me feels like it's not worth the effort to be "good" for only a couple of days before that then have to start again when I get back. I could lie and say I'll eat healthily while away, but we all know how likely that is when I can't eat healthily at home.
I've been wondering if I've been having some hormonal issues, I have life-long problems I won't go into here that may be getting worse and I will talk to my doctor about very soon, maybe changing some medication. But even saying that feels like a cop-out, blaming my weight on anything other than myself and my own actions.
Why is it a constant battle with myself? Not just weight, lots of things. My behaviour does not advance me towards my goals, but I seem incapable of change.
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