Friday:
Total carb binge today. Toast, cheezles, cheesecake, more bread, whatever I could get my hands on. I've had terrible sleep for several nights plus hormones and I guess I just couldn't cope. My mouth feels like I've been eating sandpaper all day and my weight (this taken following morning, writing this on Sat) has gone up a whole kg in two days. I told you I could never lose more than 5 kg without blowing it.
Eating events on this weekend, not sure how I'm going to negotiate them.
Showing posts with label binge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label binge. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2016
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Minimising the damage
later Thursday:
So I went to do my tax and the online system wasn't working me for, I rang up and went through all the long process of getting through to a real person only to be told that it was a known problem, happening to everyone, try again in a couple of hours. Which I will do. But I was already unhappy and this made me more frustrated.
I had my afternoon snack even though it was really early. Then I wandered around the house like a disgruntled ghost, avoiding all the other things I could be doing, sad and unsettled, and I gave into food. Oh, I resisted for a while first. But then I crumbled. Luckily we didn't have anything truly bad in the house. But I felt annoyed with myself afterwards, defeated. I'd already had my afternoon snack before the kids even got home from school and here I was eating extra! And I thought about eating more and more. Eating had squashed down all the bad feelings for a few moments, I wanted to repeat that. But I had just been re-reading my cognitive therapy book and one of the things it talked about was getting back on track after a binge, and all the reasons it was better to stop right now than continue and make it worse. And I put the food details into my calorie tracker. And you know how many extra calories I had eaten? 200. 200 is nothing, in the big scheme of things. 200 calories is not a disaster. Certainly not a reason to give up and eat even more.
I could, if I wanted, have a tiny dinner and still get in under my daily calories, but I am not going to. I am going to have my normal planned dinner, back on track, as if I hadn't stepped off the rails there for a minute at all. I was having a bad day, I need to learn to deal with stress some other way, but I am not going to dwell on it unduly or beat myself up. I'm forgiven.
... Hmm.
While waiting for dinner to cook I ate a couple of squares of chocolate and an unknown number of cashews - I didn't weigh them I just ate them straight out of the packet. And then later in the evening I ate some more chocolate, not because I was still upset but just because I'd kind of given up on the day. Despite the part of me saying that was a wrong-headed attitude, I still went with the "start again tomorrow" option. Total damage, around 800 calories extra for the day.
So I went to do my tax and the online system wasn't working me for, I rang up and went through all the long process of getting through to a real person only to be told that it was a known problem, happening to everyone, try again in a couple of hours. Which I will do. But I was already unhappy and this made me more frustrated.
I had my afternoon snack even though it was really early. Then I wandered around the house like a disgruntled ghost, avoiding all the other things I could be doing, sad and unsettled, and I gave into food. Oh, I resisted for a while first. But then I crumbled. Luckily we didn't have anything truly bad in the house. But I felt annoyed with myself afterwards, defeated. I'd already had my afternoon snack before the kids even got home from school and here I was eating extra! And I thought about eating more and more. Eating had squashed down all the bad feelings for a few moments, I wanted to repeat that. But I had just been re-reading my cognitive therapy book and one of the things it talked about was getting back on track after a binge, and all the reasons it was better to stop right now than continue and make it worse. And I put the food details into my calorie tracker. And you know how many extra calories I had eaten? 200. 200 is nothing, in the big scheme of things. 200 calories is not a disaster. Certainly not a reason to give up and eat even more.
I could, if I wanted, have a tiny dinner and still get in under my daily calories, but I am not going to. I am going to have my normal planned dinner, back on track, as if I hadn't stepped off the rails there for a minute at all. I was having a bad day, I need to learn to deal with stress some other way, but I am not going to dwell on it unduly or beat myself up. I'm forgiven.
... Hmm.
While waiting for dinner to cook I ate a couple of squares of chocolate and an unknown number of cashews - I didn't weigh them I just ate them straight out of the packet. And then later in the evening I ate some more chocolate, not because I was still upset but just because I'd kind of given up on the day. Despite the part of me saying that was a wrong-headed attitude, I still went with the "start again tomorrow" option. Total damage, around 800 calories extra for the day.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
A bit off the rails
Wednesday:
I felt so much better yesterday that I even did a little dancing. The kids gave Tim Dance Central 3 for Fathers' Day weeks ago and I hadn't tried it yet, so I got started on the storyline (you are sent back in time and have to master dancing to music from each decade from the 70s onward). It was fun but my heart-rate went up really quickly and I got a bit wheezy after only a couple of songs. A start, though. It has been pouring rain here so I had to do something other than walk.
I went off the rails with food though. It is that time of the month, and I have yet to find a strategy for that. I had a couple of nibbles of things during the day, then at the Tuesday night supper I just let go and had chocolate and liquorice and Burger Rings and cider. And a few grapes and strawberries. At first it felt awesome to eat all that stuff, then I felt a bit sick. I've forgiven myself and moved on, back on track today.
Kept everyone awake coughing all night and a bit worse today than yesterday but I'm sure I'm on the mend. Little Aiden is home sick. Hoping to hear soon about possible job for husband in Sydney.
I felt so much better yesterday that I even did a little dancing. The kids gave Tim Dance Central 3 for Fathers' Day weeks ago and I hadn't tried it yet, so I got started on the storyline (you are sent back in time and have to master dancing to music from each decade from the 70s onward). It was fun but my heart-rate went up really quickly and I got a bit wheezy after only a couple of songs. A start, though. It has been pouring rain here so I had to do something other than walk.
I went off the rails with food though. It is that time of the month, and I have yet to find a strategy for that. I had a couple of nibbles of things during the day, then at the Tuesday night supper I just let go and had chocolate and liquorice and Burger Rings and cider. And a few grapes and strawberries. At first it felt awesome to eat all that stuff, then I felt a bit sick. I've forgiven myself and moved on, back on track today.
Kept everyone awake coughing all night and a bit worse today than yesterday but I'm sure I'm on the mend. Little Aiden is home sick. Hoping to hear soon about possible job for husband in Sydney.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Secret eating
Friday:
I don't always say everything about my struggles with my weight on this blog because my husband reads it and I'm ashamed. I generally love that he reads my blog but it does mean that it isn't an anonymous space for me to admit to all my failures. However, I think it is very bad for me to keep things secret so I'm going to talk about my uncontrolled eating.
My worst food triggers are anything chip-like. Fat+salt+crunchy. Twisties or Doritos or even savoury crackers. Even if I don't like the flavour (for instance salt and vinegar) I will eat it anyway. If it is in the house, I can't seem to resist. And I am well aware of this. Yet I still occasionally get deluded into thinking I can handle it.
Four times over the past couple of weeks I've bought a packet of something to have a snack in the cupboard in case we had visitors or the kids had friends over, but then surreptitiously eaten them all myself over the course of a couple of days. The latest was today. Dad has just been here visiting with his partner and we usually sit up late playing cards; I'd bought a packet of chips and some chocolate and some things for a cheese platter to have for supper. After the kids were in bed I decided we didn't really need that much food, especially as dad had mentioned he was on a bit of a diet (one that still lets him have a bottle of wine a day, obviously). I told Tim that I was feeling a bit out of control with food and could he please hide the chips. He suggested that we wait and see if we ate them that evening, if not he would hide them from me until the next suitable event.
Turns out dad is finally starting to feel his age and he left almost immediately. He says 2012 is the year he went from being middle aged to being old (he is 72). So we didn't need any of the supper. I didn't bring it up again with Tim. I'd made an effort to get them out of my reach, hadn't I? Not my fault if if failed. One effort was all I had in me.
I've had almost exclusively carbohydrates today and I feel like crap. I started with my warm oats, then the kids and I went shopping. I often get us each a treat when we go shopping together, and today I decided that the way to avoid binging on the family-sized chips at home was to have a small packet of exactly the same product. So I wouldn't feel deprived. WRONG! Then lunch was a bread roll with butter and vegemite (ie fat and salt). More carbs. I was feeling pretty groggy by this stage and had a bit of a nap.
By mid-afternoon I was obsessed with the thought of those chips. I love chocolate, but I can have a square or two then stop. A tub of ice cream would take me a year to get through. Peanut butter seems to be an issue for some people, but I don't get that at all. It's just something to have on toast occasionally or make satay sauce with. But chips?
When the kids were out in the backyard I sat on my bed with a book and the chips and shovelled them in. Listening between each mouthful in case the kids came in. Shoving my pillow on top of the packet and quickly wiping my mouth and fingers when they did come in. Not really enjoying, but not stopping. Quite disturbing behaviour.
Later I poured the rest of the chips out of the packet into the bin. Only way to be sure.
I cooked dinner about an hour later than usual because of course I wasn't hungry, and then I still only ate half of mine (and that was a lot more than I wanted).
I guess the only solution to this is to not have it in the house. I already knew that. I think the voice on one shoulder tells me I am strong enough to resist; and the voice on the other shoulder reminds me that if I do fail, well, I get to eat chips. I look forward to the inevitable fail. I can't listen to either of those idiots!
I don't always say everything about my struggles with my weight on this blog because my husband reads it and I'm ashamed. I generally love that he reads my blog but it does mean that it isn't an anonymous space for me to admit to all my failures. However, I think it is very bad for me to keep things secret so I'm going to talk about my uncontrolled eating.
My worst food triggers are anything chip-like. Fat+salt+crunchy. Twisties or Doritos or even savoury crackers. Even if I don't like the flavour (for instance salt and vinegar) I will eat it anyway. If it is in the house, I can't seem to resist. And I am well aware of this. Yet I still occasionally get deluded into thinking I can handle it.
Four times over the past couple of weeks I've bought a packet of something to have a snack in the cupboard in case we had visitors or the kids had friends over, but then surreptitiously eaten them all myself over the course of a couple of days. The latest was today. Dad has just been here visiting with his partner and we usually sit up late playing cards; I'd bought a packet of chips and some chocolate and some things for a cheese platter to have for supper. After the kids were in bed I decided we didn't really need that much food, especially as dad had mentioned he was on a bit of a diet (one that still lets him have a bottle of wine a day, obviously). I told Tim that I was feeling a bit out of control with food and could he please hide the chips. He suggested that we wait and see if we ate them that evening, if not he would hide them from me until the next suitable event.
Turns out dad is finally starting to feel his age and he left almost immediately. He says 2012 is the year he went from being middle aged to being old (he is 72). So we didn't need any of the supper. I didn't bring it up again with Tim. I'd made an effort to get them out of my reach, hadn't I? Not my fault if if failed. One effort was all I had in me.
I've had almost exclusively carbohydrates today and I feel like crap. I started with my warm oats, then the kids and I went shopping. I often get us each a treat when we go shopping together, and today I decided that the way to avoid binging on the family-sized chips at home was to have a small packet of exactly the same product. So I wouldn't feel deprived. WRONG! Then lunch was a bread roll with butter and vegemite (ie fat and salt). More carbs. I was feeling pretty groggy by this stage and had a bit of a nap.
By mid-afternoon I was obsessed with the thought of those chips. I love chocolate, but I can have a square or two then stop. A tub of ice cream would take me a year to get through. Peanut butter seems to be an issue for some people, but I don't get that at all. It's just something to have on toast occasionally or make satay sauce with. But chips?
When the kids were out in the backyard I sat on my bed with a book and the chips and shovelled them in. Listening between each mouthful in case the kids came in. Shoving my pillow on top of the packet and quickly wiping my mouth and fingers when they did come in. Not really enjoying, but not stopping. Quite disturbing behaviour.
Later I poured the rest of the chips out of the packet into the bin. Only way to be sure.
I cooked dinner about an hour later than usual because of course I wasn't hungry, and then I still only ate half of mine (and that was a lot more than I wanted).
I guess the only solution to this is to not have it in the house. I already knew that. I think the voice on one shoulder tells me I am strong enough to resist; and the voice on the other shoulder reminds me that if I do fail, well, I get to eat chips. I look forward to the inevitable fail. I can't listen to either of those idiots!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday weigh in: 78.2 kg
Wednesday:
I am, for the moment, using Wednesday as official weigh-in day because this day last week I had my glucose tolerance test and was able to start my diabetes-friendly diet; and also because it was my highest point for a long time after having those three days of carbohydrate loading.
Starting weight: 79.1 kg (174 pounds)
Week 1: 78.2 kg
Loss: 0.9 kg
Total loss: 0.9 kg
Goal: 58 kg
It's a nice loss, but it is slightly artificial as half of it was the temporary gain from the carbs. Still, I did lose it.
I don't know if my "spreading out the carbs" diet is going to be enough on its own. It is doing a dandy job of keeping my blood glucose levels steady, but I also need to lose weight to make a permanent improvement in my chances of avoiding diabetes. I need to do more.
Oh, I had a bit of a binge last night. It was D&D, with supper, as usual; I had a plan to eat a limited amount. A little of this, a little of that. I ended up having a huge amount of cheese & crackers and some licorice bullets and chips and strawberries. To many carbs, and way too many calories. A couple of the guys also feel we binge too much on Tuesdays, I am going to suggest we really cut back. Healthier food, and only eating at supper not all night at the games table. I feel a bit deprived just thinking about it but it's important.
Cutting back on refined carbs and overall calories is one side of the equation. Of course exercise is the other.
Lately I have been walking the kids to and from school every day, giving me two and a half hours a week of walking; half slower and half brisk. A nice start. I also row for 30 mins about three times a week, much more vigorous exercise. I am going to ramp up the exercise more, especially during quiet times at work. I went this morning -- I didn't make it to my BodyPump class (they had finished the warm-up and half of the squat track already) so I did 20 mins on the cross-trainer, a 5 min sprint on the rowing machine, and a few sets on the chest press and leg press machines. I will be back this afternoon with the kids for Gecko class.
I am, for the moment, using Wednesday as official weigh-in day because this day last week I had my glucose tolerance test and was able to start my diabetes-friendly diet; and also because it was my highest point for a long time after having those three days of carbohydrate loading.
Starting weight: 79.1 kg (174 pounds)
Week 1: 78.2 kg
Loss: 0.9 kg
Total loss: 0.9 kg
Goal: 58 kg
It's a nice loss, but it is slightly artificial as half of it was the temporary gain from the carbs. Still, I did lose it.
I don't know if my "spreading out the carbs" diet is going to be enough on its own. It is doing a dandy job of keeping my blood glucose levels steady, but I also need to lose weight to make a permanent improvement in my chances of avoiding diabetes. I need to do more.
Oh, I had a bit of a binge last night. It was D&D, with supper, as usual; I had a plan to eat a limited amount. A little of this, a little of that. I ended up having a huge amount of cheese & crackers and some licorice bullets and chips and strawberries. To many carbs, and way too many calories. A couple of the guys also feel we binge too much on Tuesdays, I am going to suggest we really cut back. Healthier food, and only eating at supper not all night at the games table. I feel a bit deprived just thinking about it but it's important.
Cutting back on refined carbs and overall calories is one side of the equation. Of course exercise is the other.
Lately I have been walking the kids to and from school every day, giving me two and a half hours a week of walking; half slower and half brisk. A nice start. I also row for 30 mins about three times a week, much more vigorous exercise. I am going to ramp up the exercise more, especially during quiet times at work. I went this morning -- I didn't make it to my BodyPump class (they had finished the warm-up and half of the squat track already) so I did 20 mins on the cross-trainer, a 5 min sprint on the rowing machine, and a few sets on the chest press and leg press machines. I will be back this afternoon with the kids for Gecko class.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Odd-tasting tea
Wednesday:
After eating too much at my regular Tuesday-night supper (18 PP worth!) my weight is up a little bit today and back over 75 kg, but I am determined to get it back down by tomorrow and forever. As I was saying to another blogger who was worrying about treats, you have to allow for little indulgences or you won't stick to the diet. But 18 PP is rather too much. I'm still a work in progress. Before that I had eaten exactly my 26 PP for the day -- of the last five days I had only gone over once, by 2 PP, which I think is excellent. Until last night, anyway.
I have been working on a little domestic puzzle for a while. When I have tea at my friend Caroline's house, it often tastes unpleasant. I didn't like to say anything -- although we are good friends I am spectacularly bad at that kind of thing -- but it was often a struggle to drink it. I continued accepting tea because it wasn't always bad. I assumed at first she was giving me a flavoured tea, like Earl Grey or Irish Breakfast; but no, she would ask me "normal tea"? so I ruled that out. Then I thought an odd brand; but I saw the packet recently and it was a brand I often buy. Also normal milk, so she wasn't getting unpasturised goat's milk or anything. I trust her to give me a clean mug! It was a mystery. Until the pieces all came together.
When family was visiting last week I was unpleasantly surprised to find coffee granules in my sugar bowl. Tim and I don't drink coffee, but my mother and brother do. I hate coffee, I even hate the smell. But coffee drinkers think nothing of using a spoon to scoop their instant coffee granules into their cup and then the same spoon to get their sugar, leaving behind some nasty brown grains.
Caroline is a coffee drinker. And I have sugar in my tea. So there you go, mystery solved.
Now, what do I do about it? I love sitting with a cup of tea, especially as we move into winter, and particularly now I am turning down any biscuits or other unhealthy food offered. But I don't like coffee-flavoured tea at all. I think I might be comfortable enough to jokingly mention it and ask for sugar straight from the bag instead of the bowl. The problem with that is, if I mention it she will know that I have been putting up with coffee-flavoured tea for years! I don't want her to feel bad. I am not a particularly shy or socially-anxious person, but I do not like being in the situation of making someone else feel bad.
OMG. The drains have been starting to get clogged with tree roots as they do every couple of years and the plumber just arrived with his "eel". I took him outside and he opened the drain and a huge amount of filthy water came pouring out (over one of his boots). When I say filthy, I mean it included lots of fully-formed poo as well as toilet paper. Rushing down the path and onto the lawn. And the smell! Well, you can imagine. It won't hurt the lawn, but I might ban the kids from going out there for a couple of days. I'm hoping the plumber will hose down the path a bit. The things those guys have to deal with! I'm not overly squeamish about human waste, I dealt with years of nappies, but the smell was pretty bad. I think I can still smell it, inside and right up the other end of the house. I hope the neighbours don't complain.
The moral is, don't wait until the toilets are glubbing and burping before getting your drains cleared.
After eating too much at my regular Tuesday-night supper (18 PP worth!) my weight is up a little bit today and back over 75 kg, but I am determined to get it back down by tomorrow and forever. As I was saying to another blogger who was worrying about treats, you have to allow for little indulgences or you won't stick to the diet. But 18 PP is rather too much. I'm still a work in progress. Before that I had eaten exactly my 26 PP for the day -- of the last five days I had only gone over once, by 2 PP, which I think is excellent. Until last night, anyway.
I have been working on a little domestic puzzle for a while. When I have tea at my friend Caroline's house, it often tastes unpleasant. I didn't like to say anything -- although we are good friends I am spectacularly bad at that kind of thing -- but it was often a struggle to drink it. I continued accepting tea because it wasn't always bad. I assumed at first she was giving me a flavoured tea, like Earl Grey or Irish Breakfast; but no, she would ask me "normal tea"? so I ruled that out. Then I thought an odd brand; but I saw the packet recently and it was a brand I often buy. Also normal milk, so she wasn't getting unpasturised goat's milk or anything. I trust her to give me a clean mug! It was a mystery. Until the pieces all came together.
When family was visiting last week I was unpleasantly surprised to find coffee granules in my sugar bowl. Tim and I don't drink coffee, but my mother and brother do. I hate coffee, I even hate the smell. But coffee drinkers think nothing of using a spoon to scoop their instant coffee granules into their cup and then the same spoon to get their sugar, leaving behind some nasty brown grains.
Caroline is a coffee drinker. And I have sugar in my tea. So there you go, mystery solved.
Now, what do I do about it? I love sitting with a cup of tea, especially as we move into winter, and particularly now I am turning down any biscuits or other unhealthy food offered. But I don't like coffee-flavoured tea at all. I think I might be comfortable enough to jokingly mention it and ask for sugar straight from the bag instead of the bowl. The problem with that is, if I mention it she will know that I have been putting up with coffee-flavoured tea for years! I don't want her to feel bad. I am not a particularly shy or socially-anxious person, but I do not like being in the situation of making someone else feel bad.
OMG. The drains have been starting to get clogged with tree roots as they do every couple of years and the plumber just arrived with his "eel". I took him outside and he opened the drain and a huge amount of filthy water came pouring out (over one of his boots). When I say filthy, I mean it included lots of fully-formed poo as well as toilet paper. Rushing down the path and onto the lawn. And the smell! Well, you can imagine. It won't hurt the lawn, but I might ban the kids from going out there for a couple of days. I'm hoping the plumber will hose down the path a bit. The things those guys have to deal with! I'm not overly squeamish about human waste, I dealt with years of nappies, but the smell was pretty bad. I think I can still smell it, inside and right up the other end of the house. I hope the neighbours don't complain.
The moral is, don't wait until the toilets are glubbing and burping before getting your drains cleared.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Crash and explode into fragments of self-loathing
Monday:
Tough day. Tim woke at 6am. He's been doing that a lot lately due to stress. So I get woken too by his tossing and turning. And he comes to bed late, most nights, and I rarely sleep before then. So neither of us are getting near enough sleep. I was/am exhausted from the weekend of cleaning and looking after guests and eating junk food. My body is abused wreck.
My father-in-law and his girlfriend were still here when I left to take the kids to school (in fact Chris wasn't out of bed yet) but I went to the gym anyway. BodyPump. Ye Gods it was hard. My legs were cramping up horribly during squats. But I pushed through it and even stayed for the abs and stretches even though I couldn't do much of it. I was really hoping the guests would be gone by the time I got home because I really needed to get to work and my father-in-law is a talker. No matter how frantically busy or disinterested or actually-leaving-the-room his audience, he keeps talking.
So I got home and they were still there, Chris still in her pyjamas, and they stayed until 11.30. Frustrating. Then I did some work, had my healthy back-on-track lunch, did some more work. Then the little voice started...
I had encouraged brother-in-law Nick and his wife to take junk food away with them yesterday, and Des took more today. But there was still lots left. I packed it away in a bag in the cupboard ready for D&D tomorrow (enough there for about three suppers, actually). I was confident, this morning, that I could resist it until tomorrow. After all, I was saturated with junk food. Over it. With a mouth ulcer that made it painful to eat. First day back on my diet. Easy to resist. Yeah, right. About 1 pm, the little voice...
"Chips." "No, I'm not going to." "You know you will." "No I won't." "You might as well give in now, you know you will eventually anyway. Save yourself the painful struggle." "You're probably right, I will give in, I always do." "I know." "But no, not today, I will be strong today." "You know you won't. It's chips. Lots of yummy chips. You can't resist chips."
It didn't really take very long, once I started thinking about them. So I got out a bag of chips. And ate the WHOLE BAG. When I was eating them, I felt great. I was simultaneously watching an episode on The Doctors where they were talking about how doing addictive behaviours gets the brain to release dopamine. Oh yeah, that dopamine is good stuff. But of course when I finished the bag, with just a handful left in the bottom, I felt ill. Physically and emotionally ill. A whole bag is unusually excessive for me. I just kept eating and I don't know why. Apart from the dopamine, of course. And the tiredness. And probably PMS. But they are just excuses. More than 900 calories worth of fat and salt. I now feel miserable and ashamed of myself and bloated.
I will get Tim to hide the rest of the bag tonight, offer it tomorrow night at D&D, and get people to take home the rest or throw it away - anything that tempts me, at least. Chips, in particular. I don't have a sweet tooth (apart from chocolate) and I don't care much for lollies.
Another downside to the binge-eating is that it took quite a big chunk of time when I was supposed to be working. I sat and read while I ate, and not even one of the many books I need to read. It was a plunge into destructive time-wasting.
Just after eating, I was reading a sexy love-scene in my book. My first reaction was a spark of arousal and looking forward to spending time with my husband. My second reaction, so quick I barely had time to notice the first reaction, was self-loathing and feeling like I didn't deserve sex. That my chip-laden body was disgusting and unlovable and most definitely not something anyone would want to have sex with. The ephemeral spark was crushed.
I refuse to simply "write off" today like I have for the past few where I didn't bother to track my food or eat well. I will eat a healthy dinner and write it all down and move on from here. And get rid of all temptations out of the house.
Maybe I should open the packets now and tip it all in the bin where it will be irretrivable. But I have already told people they don't need to bring anything tomorrow. And I really am convinced that I won't be tempted again before this evening when Tim can hide it. Surely I've had enough to hold me until then.
Tough day. Tim woke at 6am. He's been doing that a lot lately due to stress. So I get woken too by his tossing and turning. And he comes to bed late, most nights, and I rarely sleep before then. So neither of us are getting near enough sleep. I was/am exhausted from the weekend of cleaning and looking after guests and eating junk food. My body is abused wreck.
My father-in-law and his girlfriend were still here when I left to take the kids to school (in fact Chris wasn't out of bed yet) but I went to the gym anyway. BodyPump. Ye Gods it was hard. My legs were cramping up horribly during squats. But I pushed through it and even stayed for the abs and stretches even though I couldn't do much of it. I was really hoping the guests would be gone by the time I got home because I really needed to get to work and my father-in-law is a talker. No matter how frantically busy or disinterested or actually-leaving-the-room his audience, he keeps talking.
So I got home and they were still there, Chris still in her pyjamas, and they stayed until 11.30. Frustrating. Then I did some work, had my healthy back-on-track lunch, did some more work. Then the little voice started...
I had encouraged brother-in-law Nick and his wife to take junk food away with them yesterday, and Des took more today. But there was still lots left. I packed it away in a bag in the cupboard ready for D&D tomorrow (enough there for about three suppers, actually). I was confident, this morning, that I could resist it until tomorrow. After all, I was saturated with junk food. Over it. With a mouth ulcer that made it painful to eat. First day back on my diet. Easy to resist. Yeah, right. About 1 pm, the little voice...
"Chips." "No, I'm not going to." "You know you will." "No I won't." "You might as well give in now, you know you will eventually anyway. Save yourself the painful struggle." "You're probably right, I will give in, I always do." "I know." "But no, not today, I will be strong today." "You know you won't. It's chips. Lots of yummy chips. You can't resist chips."
It didn't really take very long, once I started thinking about them. So I got out a bag of chips. And ate the WHOLE BAG. When I was eating them, I felt great. I was simultaneously watching an episode on The Doctors where they were talking about how doing addictive behaviours gets the brain to release dopamine. Oh yeah, that dopamine is good stuff. But of course when I finished the bag, with just a handful left in the bottom, I felt ill. Physically and emotionally ill. A whole bag is unusually excessive for me. I just kept eating and I don't know why. Apart from the dopamine, of course. And the tiredness. And probably PMS. But they are just excuses. More than 900 calories worth of fat and salt. I now feel miserable and ashamed of myself and bloated.
I will get Tim to hide the rest of the bag tonight, offer it tomorrow night at D&D, and get people to take home the rest or throw it away - anything that tempts me, at least. Chips, in particular. I don't have a sweet tooth (apart from chocolate) and I don't care much for lollies.
Another downside to the binge-eating is that it took quite a big chunk of time when I was supposed to be working. I sat and read while I ate, and not even one of the many books I need to read. It was a plunge into destructive time-wasting.
Just after eating, I was reading a sexy love-scene in my book. My first reaction was a spark of arousal and looking forward to spending time with my husband. My second reaction, so quick I barely had time to notice the first reaction, was self-loathing and feeling like I didn't deserve sex. That my chip-laden body was disgusting and unlovable and most definitely not something anyone would want to have sex with. The ephemeral spark was crushed.
I refuse to simply "write off" today like I have for the past few where I didn't bother to track my food or eat well. I will eat a healthy dinner and write it all down and move on from here. And get rid of all temptations out of the house.
Maybe I should open the packets now and tip it all in the bin where it will be irretrivable. But I have already told people they don't need to bring anything tomorrow. And I really am convinced that I won't be tempted again before this evening when Tim can hide it. Surely I've had enough to hold me until then.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
More binging. Whoops.
Thursday:
So. Binge Tuesday night, good yesterday, then today... It was another scheduled day off exercise so that I had more time to work, and also Tim had the car today and my toe hurt. It's a stupid little "injury", I tore the toenail on my little toe on Monday night. It's all bandaid-ed up but it is a bit sore when it presses against the side of my shoe. So it's a bit uncomfortable when I walk. Mostly better today. In future I don't think I will take both Tuesday and Thursday off because they are almost in a row, only one day of exercise in between. It's a bit impractical in terms of resting my body between days of exercise.
Anyway... so I was home all day, alone, working away at the computer. A bit bored. A bit lonely. Lunchtime turned into a degustation. First things from the diet plan. Then some inoffensive soup. Then some low-calorie but extra-carbs-not-on-plan cruskits. With butter. Finally I raided the cupboard for leftover junk from Tuesday night. Mmmm, chocolate. Quite a lot of it.
When Joe brought a big bag of chocolate treats over on Tuesday and it was clear there would be lots left over for next week, I said "I thought Janet didn't want chocolate in the house."
"That's why I'm leaving them here," he said.
"Oh no no no," I said. "I am on a diet. This is my treat night, but I don't want junk in the house."
"Oh." Crestfallen. "Maybe Brenton can take them home then."
But I changed my mind. I am strong now! I can trust myself! And I put them away in the games cupboard.
I am strong. Most of the time. But not this afternoon. I ate them after the kids got home, so I snuck the scrumptious little treats up to my bedroom to gorge in furtive secrecy.
Looking at my diet checklist, over the past eleven days of this diet I have eaten the most calories on the three days I didn't exercise. That is just wrong. I need to eat less on those days, not more! But I think when I exercise I feel all virtuous and healthy so it is easier to eat healthily. And when I sit at home in front of the computer all day it is easy to get bored and sluggish and go looking for a wake-up from extra calories.
I need a balance between forgiving myself for being human, and not being so casual about overeating that it becomes acceptable. I'm still working on it.
So. Binge Tuesday night, good yesterday, then today... It was another scheduled day off exercise so that I had more time to work, and also Tim had the car today and my toe hurt. It's a stupid little "injury", I tore the toenail on my little toe on Monday night. It's all bandaid-ed up but it is a bit sore when it presses against the side of my shoe. So it's a bit uncomfortable when I walk. Mostly better today. In future I don't think I will take both Tuesday and Thursday off because they are almost in a row, only one day of exercise in between. It's a bit impractical in terms of resting my body between days of exercise.
Anyway... so I was home all day, alone, working away at the computer. A bit bored. A bit lonely. Lunchtime turned into a degustation. First things from the diet plan. Then some inoffensive soup. Then some low-calorie but extra-carbs-not-on-plan cruskits. With butter. Finally I raided the cupboard for leftover junk from Tuesday night. Mmmm, chocolate. Quite a lot of it.
When Joe brought a big bag of chocolate treats over on Tuesday and it was clear there would be lots left over for next week, I said "I thought Janet didn't want chocolate in the house."
"That's why I'm leaving them here," he said.
"Oh no no no," I said. "I am on a diet. This is my treat night, but I don't want junk in the house."
"Oh." Crestfallen. "Maybe Brenton can take them home then."
But I changed my mind. I am strong now! I can trust myself! And I put them away in the games cupboard.
I am strong. Most of the time. But not this afternoon. I ate them after the kids got home, so I snuck the scrumptious little treats up to my bedroom to gorge in furtive secrecy.
Looking at my diet checklist, over the past eleven days of this diet I have eaten the most calories on the three days I didn't exercise. That is just wrong. I need to eat less on those days, not more! But I think when I exercise I feel all virtuous and healthy so it is easier to eat healthily. And when I sit at home in front of the computer all day it is easy to get bored and sluggish and go looking for a wake-up from extra calories.
I need a balance between forgiving myself for being human, and not being so casual about overeating that it becomes acceptable. I'm still working on it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Binge
Wednesday:
During all my struggles on Monday I stayed strong, but yesterday I was finding everything easy so of course I went on a huge binge last night. I had planned one indulgence and ended up eating about five -- a 700 calorie bender. On well, moving on.
Today I did BodyPump and really worked hard. I had some anger to fuel me -- Jasmine broke yet another pair of school shoes yanking the band to achieve her tournique-tight preference -- so I upped the weights on the back and tricep tracks and did all the lunges and even tried some modified abdominal work.
Then I took Aiden to the library and picked up the CSIRO diet's recipe book, and did the grocery shopping. Unfortunately I didn't have time to go through the book before the shopping, so no exciting new recipes this week. We had salmon tonight, and as usual everyone (including me) complained. We just don't like fish, no matter how excitingly it is prepared. So we definitely won't be having two serves of fish a week. The occasional tin of tuna or stir-fry of prawns at lunchtime will have to do.
During all my struggles on Monday I stayed strong, but yesterday I was finding everything easy so of course I went on a huge binge last night. I had planned one indulgence and ended up eating about five -- a 700 calorie bender. On well, moving on.
Today I did BodyPump and really worked hard. I had some anger to fuel me -- Jasmine broke yet another pair of school shoes yanking the band to achieve her tournique-tight preference -- so I upped the weights on the back and tricep tracks and did all the lunges and even tried some modified abdominal work.
Then I took Aiden to the library and picked up the CSIRO diet's recipe book, and did the grocery shopping. Unfortunately I didn't have time to go through the book before the shopping, so no exciting new recipes this week. We had salmon tonight, and as usual everyone (including me) complained. We just don't like fish, no matter how excitingly it is prepared. So we definitely won't be having two serves of fish a week. The occasional tin of tuna or stir-fry of prawns at lunchtime will have to do.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Binge and consequences
As usual, we had people over for supper on Thursday (last night) - we play Dungeons & Dragons. It is my binge night, unfortunately I always seem to give myself permission to stuff myself with junk.
I had spent the afternoon baking with the kids. I had bought some raspberries so we made banana raspberry muffins, some with choc-chips (the kids had a couple for afternoon tea, I didn't have any); then raspberry creme brulee, planned for dessert tonight; and with all the leftover egg whites I made lots of little meringues with cream and raspberries on top. We had some for dessert last night then the rest were my contribution to the D&D supper.
I ate one when they came out of the oven, two for dessert after dinner, and I think another three over the course of the night. I don't usually have much sugar - I'm more of a salt and fat kind of girl - and by my sixth meringue I was feeling a bit nauseated. I also had a lot of twisties. I had a cup of chamomile tea which I thought helped.
My digestive system rebelled. It has been delicate since the stomach bug picked up in China a month ago, and I had my third relapse last night. At 2.30 am I was up with stomach cramps and diarrhoea. If it follows the path of the other relapses it will last 12-24 hours. My abdomen feels bloated and crampy, and I'm amazed that there is anything left in me but apparently there is.
I stayed in bed until 10 am, the kids have been playing computer games all morning. I don't think I will be taking them anywhere today; a sad and boring end to the school holidays.
On the up side, maybe my body didn't have time to absorb all those millions of calories before my body rejected them?...
The school holidays have been full of junk food. We had fast food twice, lollies at the movies twice, biscuits at home, treats when we are out shopping. We always have some stuff, but a lot more than usual these past two weeks. So unhealthy for all of us. It is no "treat" to feel sick and fat and unhealthy. I just have to remember that.
I had spent the afternoon baking with the kids. I had bought some raspberries so we made banana raspberry muffins, some with choc-chips (the kids had a couple for afternoon tea, I didn't have any); then raspberry creme brulee, planned for dessert tonight; and with all the leftover egg whites I made lots of little meringues with cream and raspberries on top. We had some for dessert last night then the rest were my contribution to the D&D supper.
I ate one when they came out of the oven, two for dessert after dinner, and I think another three over the course of the night. I don't usually have much sugar - I'm more of a salt and fat kind of girl - and by my sixth meringue I was feeling a bit nauseated. I also had a lot of twisties. I had a cup of chamomile tea which I thought helped.
My digestive system rebelled. It has been delicate since the stomach bug picked up in China a month ago, and I had my third relapse last night. At 2.30 am I was up with stomach cramps and diarrhoea. If it follows the path of the other relapses it will last 12-24 hours. My abdomen feels bloated and crampy, and I'm amazed that there is anything left in me but apparently there is.
I stayed in bed until 10 am, the kids have been playing computer games all morning. I don't think I will be taking them anywhere today; a sad and boring end to the school holidays.
On the up side, maybe my body didn't have time to absorb all those millions of calories before my body rejected them?...
The school holidays have been full of junk food. We had fast food twice, lollies at the movies twice, biscuits at home, treats when we are out shopping. We always have some stuff, but a lot more than usual these past two weeks. So unhealthy for all of us. It is no "treat" to feel sick and fat and unhealthy. I just have to remember that.
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