November

 Friday:

After a cool rainy spring, summer seems to be here with 30+ C days and cicadas screaming outside. One is clinging to the fly screen of the kitchen window, I can mostly see its belly but I think it is a 'Black Prince', much prized when I was at school due to their relative rarity. 'Greengrocer' is the one you see most often. Cicadas are a huge fat insect, size of a mouse without a tail and rather threatening beady eyes, but completely harmless. Except the for the ear-drum shattering calls. 

Jasmine finally got her L plates and is learning to drive (she passed the knowledge test first time, but we had delayed due to Covid). I do not enjoy teaching, I get nervous with even an experienced driver let alone a complete beginner! I hate not being in control of the car. She is actually quite careful and hasn't done anything bad, but every time she goes a bit close to a parked car or her speed creeps up to the limit instead of super slow I nearly have a heart attack. I'm going to have a stomach ulcer after this. My husband has done most of the teaching so far, but he isn't around after school. We just go round very quiet streets so far.

The pain in my foot got worse, I had an ultrasound and a blood test and the doctor thinks it was gout - I didn't even know that was still a thing but apparently it is quite common. I had a course of steroids - Prednisolone - to reduce the inflammation and that helped a lot with the pain in my heel/ankle but I still have pain and numbness along the outside of my foot. I need to go back and see the doctor but I've been confined with a bad cold (which I got from my family, I didn't get a Covid test this time but they did and were negative) which I don't want to spread to the doctor's office. I'll go next week. 

I'm back on the CSIRO total wellbeing diet, focus on whole foods and lots of vegetables, you count units (3 carbs, 3 dairy, 2 fruits per day etc) not calories and can have one indulgence per day. I lost weight in week 1, put it back on in week 2 with sickness comfort food plus Aiden's 14th birthday, back on track with week 3.

Speaking of Aiden, several days after he'd seemingly recovered from his cold he came home from school exhausted and napped all afternoon. Then the next morning he woke with bad chest pain and a racing heart rate. Our doctor sent us to the ER where we spent a lot of the day - in the children's area they were playing Despicable Me on a loop and didn't bother to change it, we were watching it for the third time when we got to leave - an ECG was normal and he was feeling a lot better by the afternoon. Probably a virus but we don't really know. So that was a worrying day. 

My uncle who had a stroke is almost back to normal he says except for a bit of dizziness, and he won a tennis tournament last weekend so that is great. My poppa is ok at home with regular care visits I think but haven't heard just lately. I want to visit but not with sickness running around the family. Even if not Covid, I don't want to pass it on!

Up and down

Monday:

I lost another 0.5 kg this week, bringing me down to 72.8kg. Not as much as I was hoping, I admit, but it’s true there were a lot of temptations and a few treats this week. Jasmine’s birthday party, her actual birthday and then her family dinner, and family celebration for Chinese New Year. I never ate a lot, but some sugar crept in. Speaking of which, I’ve managed tea without sugar for three weeks now (my record is six weeks), still not used to it, but I learned to appreciate it more after yesterday trying tea without sugar OR milk. Yuck! Bitter and horrible. Probably not cause and effect, but I then spent the whole morning lying on my bed with waves of sickening nausea. I think I’ll keep my tiny splash of milk, thank you.

I tried the tea without even milk because I am trying TRE - time restricted eating - where you extend your overnight fast, which means I don't snack after dinner and I often don't eat breakfast (I do if I'm hungry, or if I'm worried about not having access to healthy food when I do get hungry). The internet is divided if a splash of milk in my essential morning tea - 14 calories - breaks the fast and undoes all the benefits. After my one day trial I'm just going to have my tea with milk and not worry about it.

Wednesday:

By the middle of last week my weight was down to 72.7kg then overnight bounced back up to 73.2, nearly where I started. I didn't worry, daily fluctuations are normal. I was hoping it was just a blip and would disappear as quickly as it came, it didn't but by Monday I was down to 72.8kg, a moderate loss of 0.5kg for the week. Then yesterday the scale bounced back up to 73.3kg.... half a kilogram reappearing by magic (black magic obviously). Arg! This weight is pretty much what I maintained at for a lot of last year before I put on weight over Christmas, clearly it is my body's current 'set point'. I know if I keep up the low-carb calorie deficit it will shift eventually.

I've had no energy and I've been sitting around reading and watching TV a lot. I think low calorie or low carb was making me feel weak and tired and a bit listless (depressed is much too strong a word, but I didn't feel much motivation to do anything). I still haven't got back to the gym. I've also started to feel a bit hungrier and was finding it harder to resist temptations. So today (after a biggish breakfast and a couple of hours of reading instead of going to the gym) I decided to increase my Duromine from 15mg to 30mg and took an extra pill - this was always my doctor's plan, to start with 15mg then increase - and I already feel more energetic and chirpy. I bustled around doing some neglected housework and when the doorbell rang I positively bounded downstairs. So we'll see how this goes.

I came across some photos of me from just after we moved three years ago. I must have been at my highest weight then and I looked awful. So puffy and unhealthy. I'm so much happier with current photos, even one of me in a swimming costume by the pool. It's only 3 or 4 kg difference, but it makes a big difference to my eyes.

A section of our fence blew down in a big storm and it's in the process of being fixed, but in the meantime our neighbours dog Casper keeps wandering into our yard. I don't mind, he's a nice old Golden Retriever, about 15 years old and very gentle. He can't get into our pool area so he's safe. His owners have a pool and he loves swimming with them (Retriever's were originally bred to retrieve shot ducks from water, they love swimming) but I'd worry if he went in unsupervised. He's currently having a good sniff outside my window.

I feel thinner

Monday:

I lost a massive 2.5kg this week, 2 of that since restarting Duromine, and I feel thinner already. I'm hoping for around 1kg per week from now on. Duromine (phentermine) doesn't lose the weight for you, but it suppresses appetite. It's so much easier to resist temptations, and there have been plenty. I didn't measure my waist at the start, but it was 96cm this morning which I think is my equal lowest. I tried a bit of TRE - time restricted eating - when you lengthen the overnight period you don't eat. No snacks after dinner and maybe a later breakfast or don't eat to lunchtime depending on how long you're going for. Apparently anything over 12 hours without eating lets your body go into autophagy which is the natural repair cycle - dumping old damaged cells and building new ones. Very beneficial. And you lose more weight eating the same amount of food over 24 hours if you eat in a smaller time window. I'm not pushing it - I eat when I get hungry - but I've never liked early breakfast and no snacking in the evening has got to be good for me!

My father-in-law is remarrying next weekend. His wife died 10 or so years ago of MS and he's been with his current partner Jo for about five. On Friday the 'girls' of the family took her out to dinner as a sort of Hen's night, then Saturday the 'boys' took Des out. She has children and grandchildren who will be there for the wedding of course but they don't live nearby so we did it. I have no concerns about the marriage, only the wedding itself which will be an hour inland from here at the groom's brother's property where the temperatures are up to 10 degrees hotter - in the middle on an Australian summer! The ceremony probably outdoors (under shade)! The forecast is for 37C. I am not looking forward to that. The dinner (catered roast on a spit I think) will be eaten inside in the air conditioning but even the roomiest house would be crowded with around 50 people. And when I visited that house a year ago it was still under construction and I was shocked to find out they had been building it for 20 years... apparently they have stairs up to the front door now so you don't have to climb on cinderblocks through the garage... I tried to talk them out of the venue, but it's their choice so I'll just have to sweat and bear it.

Tim is back at work today but the kids still have a week before school starts. My little Aiden starting High School! Still can't believe it.

Bingle

Monday:

I was involved in a very minor car accident today. I backed out of my parking spot at the shops at the same time as someone behind me - not directly behind or we would have seen each other - we crunched together when we both curved out of our spot. Each car ended up with a broken light cover and a dent. I’ve let my insurance know and booked in for repair tomorrow. No one was hurt and the other guy was very nice so it’s merely an annoyance. Neither of us really knew what to do! We got each other’s drivers licence details but I didn’t think to get his car make/model etc that my insurance asked for.

I saw my doctor and got another script for Duromine, just the lowest dose of 15mg. I need to kick start weight loss again after the depredations of Christmas and holidays. I’ll also restart my gym membership, which I put on hold as I wasn’t making time to go. My weight this morning was 76.6kg, about 5kg up from a few months ago. A slow increase was turning into a fast increase. So easy to get used to slipping back into bad habits. My doctor asked why maintenance had turned into a regain, I suggested it was partly eating from boredom. I finished my course six months ago and I’ve felt a bit directionless since then. So she asked what I was going to do to turn that around. I hope to get a job of course, but I might need to put more thought into other strategies until then. I really liked my doctor’s attitude; willing to give me the Duromine as a short term help but also wanting to help long term. The series of young female doctors at this practice (they only stay for six months as part of their training) have been consistently enthusiastic and lovely - haven't been doing it long enough to get jaded and grumpy!

Tuesday:

My weight this morning was 76.1kg so I lost half a kg of holiday water weight since yesterday. I restarted Duromine today and feel good. Able to eat less, a bit more energy. Actually a tiny bit hyper, I'm sure that will pass.

Taming the grass

Friday:

I was planning to get serious about my food from 1st January, but then found two good reasons not to wait. On Wednesday night we were at Nick & Ping's and did a bit of a Just Dance game, and my niece Emma insisted on watching all the replay videos. Oh my goodness I'm still so fat. It always surprises me, especially since I've lost a bit of weight recently, that I am a lot fatter in reality than I am in my head. Mirrors, photos, and apparently videos all ambush me.

Then I weighed myself Thursday morning to find my weight, which had stayed pretty steady over the Christmas indulgences, had suddenly caught up with reality too and jumped up a fair bit. I was unhappy with the number. So I decided not to wait another four days to stop eating so much junk.

I spent an hour and a half at least in the garden, working on the garden beds that don't yet have an edging of rocks so the pampered lawn has really invaded. I turned bits like this:

 Into this:

It was quite hard sweaty work, the grass had put down lots of roots along the runners and took a lot of effort to rip out. Next cooler day I'll work on getting the rock edging in.

We had people over in the afternoon for a swim and Tim's dad also dropped in with Jo, and Jo's daughter and granddaughter, on their way home from spending Christmas with Jo's family. I put out lots of leftover chips and chocolates but only ate a little bit of cheese, a few grapes, and one Lindor ball. I call that a win! Calories good for the day.

I had a really bad sleep last night. That operation I had a year ago to remove fibroids fixed the heavy periods but didn't take away all the pain. It gets bad each month the week before my period, and I was lying awake in a lot of discomfort for quite a bit of the night. Still aches today. It's 34 C here so I'm tired and sore and hot and not feeling very happy. Still staying away from the bad food though. We still have some in the house but it should be all finished off on Sunday night. Anything left after that will go in the bin.

End of the school year

Friday:

It was the kids’ last day of school today. Jasmine played games like UNO all day and Aiden’s school had some kind of talent quest. They now have six weeks summer holiday then start Year 9 and Year 6 respectively. I didn’t do anything exciting on my last child-free day for a while, grocery shopping then a nap. I’ll enjoy having the kids home - at least for the first few weeks!

My diet (I mean that in the broader ‘way of eating’ sense as well as the more narrow ‘restrictive way of eating’ sense) has been gradually slipping for the past couple of weeks (or months). With Christmas so close, I am officially taking two weeks off worrying about my weight. I will be spending a relaxed week with the kids that may/will include treats, then Christmas festivities and another week to eat leftovers and gift chocolates. I will start focus on weight loss again on January 1st - new year, new month, even a new Monday! Don’t worry, my unrestricted eating isn’t so very terrible, I’ve never eaten a whole box of doughnuts or McDonalds three times in one day. A ‘bad’ day might be 2200 calories. I won’t be tracking. Today I made nachos for lunch followed by a Magnum ice cream, and had a little lemon tart in the afternoon. But I’ve also eaten lovely fruit and I’m having salmon and salad for dinner. I’m trying not to put too much focus on food either way, neither ‘must eat healthy’ nor ‘must eat everything before I back on a diet’. Food is a pleasurable part of life, to be enjoyed, but not the only good part!

Saturday:

I knew it would happen one day. We have a rock feature at one end of the pool -- a waterfall when we turn it on but usually we direct the water to the spa jets -- that is perfect for little boys to jump into the deep end of the pool from. The tradesmen who made it joked about how Aiden would love it, it easily supports his weight and Tim jumps from there too. But I knew that eventually someone would fall the wrong way, into the garden rather than the water, and it is quite high. I specifically planted soft non-spiky plants there, though they are not very big yet. And soft-ish mulch. And today Aiden fell off. He scraped his leg a bit on the rock on the way down so is covered in bandaids but he is fine.

Here is the back view of the waterfall, that bird bath is not as close to the wall as it looks. But I might still move it further away! I haven't yet been out to check the plants and see if they are squashed. (Photo not taken today.)

 And the fun jumping side. Note the easy steps up.

I'll just continue to make sure it's all grass and soft plants at the back for an easy fall!

Jelly legs

Thursday:

Report on Day Two...
The Duromine didn't seem to affect my sleep at all. It was the same pattern as it has been most nights for a while now, get to sleep fairly easily, stay asleep until 5 am, an hour of restless tossing and turning and short periods of drifting off, then another hour of lying awake before I get up. And none of the 'cotton mouth' that a majority of users seem to get.

It was my day at TAFE. I always do a lot of walking on that day, over 10,000 steps just getting from place to place, but today it seemed harder than usual. Hills were exhausting. I chose to walk up three flights of stairs instead of taking the lift, normally that wouldn't challenge me much. Today it left me with jelly legs and out of breath! Unfortunate if I get less energy rather than the boundless amounts most people seem to get! I've been on the forums and it has happened to a few people. Like all side effects it should pass - I hope.

The actual promise of the diet pill is as a appetite suppressant. It seems to be doing that, a bit. I've eaten lots of small meals and snacks over the day. I definitely get hungry. But I can eat a smaller amount and be satisfied. And I haven't been tempted by junk. No apparent cravings.

A possible alternative cause of the tiredness is that I actually started eating healthy on Tuesday, a day before starting the pills (because you have to take them first thing and I didn't get them until late morning) so this is day three of no sugar or junk food. Could be withdrawal? Or the lower calories, but I am definitely still eating a reasonable amount of food. I want to eat a bit less, still getting too hungry between meals.

Anyway, I'm hoping that the weakness will pass. I'm due to increase my dosage after the first week, so that will be interesting to see if the appetite or side effects change. I can always drop back to the lower dose if that works for me better.

Here is the nice bench I sit on at lunchtime at TAFE, about the only pretty spot in the rather grim campus.

Oh, good news, my friend Sarah is back in class. She is working part time but her schedule changed so she is in one of my classes now. Yay! She is the English one. Looks a bit like Adele. So that was nice.

(Edit: Tim says he is crushingly tired the past few days and blames it on current pollen count or pollution from burn-off, so my jelly legs and lack of energy could be environmentally caused.)

Diet pills

Tuesday:

When I last saw my doctor, she was concerned about my weight and arranged for me to visit the dietician and exercise physiologist. She said if that didn't work, the next step was diet pills - specifically Duramine. I was rather horrified by the whole conversation - firstly that I was fat enough to qualify for subsidised dietician visits, and secondly at the idea of medication. I rarely even take aspirin, turning to 'drugs' is not my natural impulse. But I did some research.

Durmine is amphetamine-based, an appetite suppressant that also gives you energy. Side effects can include insomnia and anxiety. Also 'cotton mouth' ie very dry mouth no matter how much you drink, although that and other side effects should fade after a few days or weeks. When I was about 14 (I thought I was fat, ha!) I stole one of my obese aunt's diet pills, I assume similar to Duramine. For three days I wasn't hungry (I ate at meals so people wouldn't worry) and was full of energy but had a lot of trouble sleeping at night. And I remember an episode of Family Ties where Alex takes a diet pill given by a friend of Mallory, so he can stay up and study. He instead spends the night frantically cleaning the house and even breaking into a neighbour's garage, then sleeping through his exam and missing it. A cautionary tale. I found plenty of people online who hated the side effects and thought it wasn't worth it.

But there are also lots of good stories on the internet chat rooms. People who have had little or no side effects (or thought they were worth it) and lost lots of weight, and kept it off after going off the medication. People who felt the risks inherent in taking any drug were outweighed (forgive the pun) by the health benefits of no longer being obese. Motivating weight loss, energy to exercise, food cravings gone. Short-term insomnia instead of long-term sleep apnoea. No diabetes or joint pain. For some, it really worked.

Well, going to the weight-loss specialists didn't work, in fact I have put on weight. So I did some more research on the diet pills available, and went back to my doctor today. Or rather, the new doctor, as they change every six months. Ugh, she was slender and stunning. I worried that I might have to convince her to prescribe it to me, but after looking at my history, BMI etc, she was quite willing. She did ask if the previous doctor had discussed other options with me. I thought she was going to say medication was a bit extreme and I should try more other things first. But no. She brought up the most extreme solution of all - surgery! I am fat enough that a doctor suggests weight loss surgery could be an option in the future, if Duramine doesn't work. How depressing is that. How long have I been kidding myself that 'I'm not really that fat.'

So I got a prescription for the lowest dose of Duramine (15). You have to take them first thing in the morning so they disrupt sleep as little as possible, so I start tomorrow. Excited/scared/hopeful. I'll keep you updated.

We need to talk about my weight

Monday:

I thought I'd halted the upward creep in my weight but this morning I was 84.6 kg, which must be up there with my highest ever. It's not just the scale; my pants are too tight, and my stomach is alarming. There is no mystery about it, I've been eating too much junk and fast food. I know it's unhealthy long-term, but it's also nasty short-term. Several times I've got mouth ulcers from too much sugar. I don't understand why I give myself permission. I've definitely got worse since seeing the dietician twice, I think I rebel against outside advice or maybe panic at the thought of deprivation.

Well if if it has to be my decision I'll make it my decision. I've eaten healthy nourishing foods today, plenty of vegetables, water... and some chocolate. I'm focussing on the healthy things that will do my body good rather than the stuff I shouldn't be eating.

I spoke to the pool people today, apparently the guy who does the handover is away all this week! So we have to wait. They did advise me to pour in a bottle of chlorine, and to fill the pool a bit more. So I ran the tap, and remembered it three hours later. It took 24 hours to fill to where it was but three more hours was enough to take it nearly over the edge! I stopped it just in time. Not sure if I should drain a bit out, or how I would go about that.

Then tonight Tim started the bath running for Aiden then went to pick up Jasmine from her dance lesson. I could hear it running and went up soon after to turn it off. Water overflowing! I had to bucket some out before I could get my arm in to pull the plug. No damage done. Kind of funny, pool and bath in one day.

The only other thing of note today was I did the shopping and was loading the bags into the boot of the car when the door sank down a bit without me noticing. I turned to swing a heavy bag in and brained myself on the door! A passing shopper stopped to ask if I was ok and say I needed to wear a hard hat. No blood, but I've got a sore spot above my left eye.

At least I got home in time to watch Game of Thrones!

Post-Christmas

Tuesday:

I'm back on my diet/WOE whatever you want to call it today. Back to healthy food! I had a light lunch to save some calories for the afternoon as we had some last minute guests, friends from our old city who were here visiting family and asked if they could drop in here for a couple of hours. Of course we said yes! I put out lots of leftover treats but only ate some cheese and fruit. The other stuff was very tempting but I made it!

I did make an error with some fruit tea. I was given three varieties as a Christmas gift, two apparently have zero calories. But the one I made a big jug of, which everyone thought was delicious, turned out to have 56 calories and 14g of sugar per cup! No wonder it tasted so nice. I made it weaker than the box suggested, and I only drank half my cup before getting suspicious and investigating, so I didn't injest all that sugar, but it was still a fair bit. Oh well, maybe it will ease the transition from Christmas.

Next

Thursday:

This morning I sent my synopsis and the first three chapters of my book to another literary agent. I only really have a choice of four Australian agents that I like the look of and that take my kind of book, and two aren't accepting submissions at the moment. I'll check those two early next year, but otherwise if this one doesn't take me I'll be querying publishers directly which is also fine, I just wanted to try the agents first.

It took me a few days to get this one organised because they wanted a hardcopy mailed to them instead of an email (I am actually a tiny bit concerned about how old-fashioned this is, what does it say about the company?), and my printer ran out of ink and then once I bought more and refilled that the printer decided it was hungry and spent an afternoon chewing up paper. But that is done now.

Jasmine's teachers were at a union meeting this morning so I drove her to school rather late, and somehow I'd forgotten to have breakfast and I had to stop at the post office anyway so I went to a café. French toast with bacon sounded nice (definitely not diet friendly) but it was horrible. The syrup was spiced with something I didn't like at all. I ate most of the bacon and about two bites of French toast. Such a shame. Probably a good thing for my waistline and my blood sugar levels that I didn't eat all that sugary sweetness.

Really stinking hot day. I didn't notice it much, at home in the air con, until taking the kids to their gymnastics class in the late afternoon. That building is so hot in summer and freezing in winter and always smells of kid sweat and feet! But I pretended I was in a sauna and tried to enjoy it.

Struggling

Friday:

I've really been struggling with my diet this week and haven't done so well resisting temptations. I've just been so tired. All week, dopey can-hardly-keep-my-eyes-open tired. Not sure why. Tim has been very tired too - maybe fighting off a virus? Whatever the cause, being super tired makes it so much harder to be "good" in food choices. I've slipped up over and over. Daily weigh-ins tell me I am going to have a gain this week, but that hasn't yet helped me rein in my eating.

There is part of me that says "might as well give up for now, start again after Christmas" but I'm not going to do that. I'll keep fighting every day. Keep trying to get good sleep at night.

After three days I think the steel reinforcements are all in for the pool.

There are still a few tools lying around so maybe not finished. The bulky hairy man (in sweaty navy shorts and "wife beater" singlet) who did this part of the job just got on with it without bothering to speak to me. I don't even know his name. I go out and look at the end of each day, once he's left, to see what he's done. Whatever machinery he uses to cut the metal cables starts early, before Tim and I are out of bed, but he leaves again by three in the afternoon.

Did it work?

Tuesday:

The real question about my operation is, did it work? Did it do anything to help my various issues? Well I feel like I won't know for sure until I've had a full month of my cycle as there are definitely times of the month that are worse than others and I haven't experienced the bad weeks yet. But so far, after the slight ache from the surgery faded, I think I have improved a lot. I haven't been feeling any pelvic pain, even if I lie on my stomach. Before, even in the good weeks, if I tried lying on my stomach I would get pain within seconds and have to turn over. Now, I can even fall asleep lying on my stomach, which isn't so great because I then wake up later with my damaged shoulders aching BUT my pelvis still doesn't hurt after however long. So that is fantastic.

I am feeling really well right now, last night I had an excellent sleep, no pain in my pelvis, no pain in my foot (which has continued wart free ever since the apple cider vinegar worked when nothing else did). Some of that is from the op, the rest is from two straight weeks of eating healthy. Lots of vegetables, some fruit, meat, full fat dairy, nuts, olive oil. More fish than I usually eat (three serves last week!) Very little sugar (I would say none, but I've had two squares of dark choc and also bought salsa which had some sugar), no alcohol, low carb - I had some toast when sick and have had small serves of potato and of quinoa a couple of times but other than that no bread, rice, pasta etc. I mostly get my carbs from vegetables. After a four day stall my weight dropped dramatically since yesterday so week three is going well.

I'm already looking ahead to Christmas, I want to indulge but at the same time don't want to undo all the good I've done! I don't know if I do well with trying for moderation. I think the plan will be two days "off" (Christmas and Boxing Day, both of which I will be hosting up to 20 people) then get straight back on plan. Actually I don't tend to overeat when I'm tired and busy looking after other people. I remember last year I certainly didn't stuff myself on Christmas Day, but the next morning while waiting for people to arrive I ate most of a family sized bag of Burger Rings! Something to avoid. We are hosting two years in a row partly because we have the most suitable house, but also last year was our first year here near everyone, and this year three of the other families will have brand-new babies. I love hosting, anyway. But it is a lot of work!

The pool is also moving forward. The builder, Angelo, came out today to look at the site. The previous person, Malcolm, was I suppose mainly the salesman! He did a good job at that, considering we picked his company. Anyway, Angelo is a bit concerned about getting the excavator through our narrow side yard (has always been a potential problem) but I think it will be ok. I've been warned of possible damage to plants, and I need to cut a few back hard. And they should start excavating in two weeks! I'm not sure how long the excavation/pouring concrete part takes but I know that after that they have to leave it for three weeks to cure before finishing. Still looks to be on track for Christmas. It might just be a pool with some paving around it at that stage, but it will be a pool! Tim and I will have a lot of work planting in the heat of summer before it will look really nice, we want it surrounded by tropical plants for a real holiday feel.

It was supposed to be my Book Club today and I was looking forward to it - I actually really liked the book! But Angelo was a bit late, then I had lunch and forgot all about it, then suddenly remembered but it would have been nearly over by then and I decided not to rush up to the library just for the last 10 minutes. I walked up instead, lovely day outside, and arrived just as everyone was standing up to leave. We had a bit of a chat as we borrowed next month's book but that was all. At least I got some exercise in today.

New start

Monday:

I've had a few false starts with getting back into healthy eating, but I'm feeling strong and confident today. Starting weight 82.1 kg (basically the same as I've been the past four weeks). I'm tracking food using MyFitnessPal which syncs with Fitbit, I'm wearing the tracker and my walking goal is 5,000 steps at the moment.

The kids have started their two weeks of winter holidays, Tim will be taking the second of those weeks off work. Today we just did the grocery shopping (all healthy food!) and recovered from the weekend.

I am conscious of often wanting to eat when I am not hungry.

I discovered a new taste sensation this morning. I had cut up an orange and put some cheese (sharp cheddar) on the same plate, a bit of the cheese fell in the juice which had seeped over. I ate it dubiously, and it was delicious! I ended rolling all the cheese in the bit of juice on the plate.

B: cheese, orange, tea.
L: chicken and salad, tea.
S: banana, vegetable broth.
D: bolognaise with zoodles (zucchini spirals).

Currently 24 steps and one glass of water away from goals, so pretty confident.

Six years

Monday:

Six years ago today I started this blog with "12 days of hell" as I went to the gym every morning leading up to my 40th birthday. I did stick to healthy living for those 12 days, but obviously it didn't last for the following six years.

This morning I weighed 81.8 kg, down from 82.2 last week. (six years ago I started at 83.1, so not much difference really).

Twelve days to my 46th birthday, twelve days of healthy living (then a couple of days off)! I'll be doing something similar to the eight week BSD that I was on before, but a few more carbs so I don't get miserable. I've been wearing my Fitbit for a few days now but haven't been tracking food - started that today. I've had some problems with the band rubbing my wrist, in the past, so I'm trialling wearing it on my other wrist at night and swapping back in the morning.

I've set it for 5000 steps which is all I can manage at the moment.

I did the shopping this morning, no nasties in my trolley today. I zoomed around because I had to rush home to see Game of Thrones, which airs here simultaneously with the US so that is 11am Monday here. Gruesome episode.

I've finished that book "Big Brother", it is about obesity but also about relationships and self image and lots of other things. Really good. I keep seeing paragraphs I want to quote at you! Like how she feels really virtuous when she is on a diet, how she knows that weight doesn't define self worth but she kind-of believes it does anyway, how she's realised that weight loss isn't magic and even if she can get her brother thin again his life will still suck if he doesn't change other things (instead of sitting at home, unemployed, watching TV).

B: yoghurt and passionfruit, tea.
L: chicken and salad, tea.
S: vegetable soup.
D: chicken and vegetable satay with quinoa.
S: banana.

Sunday

Sunday:

Today I got to sleep in! I did wake at around 6am and couldn't get back to sleep for a while due to my pelvic pain, but finally I did and didn't wake again until 9. Awesome.

Quiet day of games and a bit of housework.

My niece Emma was sick so that part of the family couldn't host (or attend) Sunday dinner, Tim went out and bought some ingredients and made Butter Chicken for us and his dad. Yummy. So much nicer than pre-made sauces or even restaurant versions which I always find really sweet. I had cauliflower instead of rice with it, and a little scoop of ice cream (instead of pie and ice cream) for dessert. A bit too much camembert though, while waiting for dinner. Nothing wrong with cheese except it has a lot of calories!

I was worried I'd struggle getting back on my diet after five days off (which should have been three), but it's been fine. I've had cravings, and eaten a bit of dark chocolate, but overall done well. I still need to tighten serving sizes but I'm happy with what I'm eating.

Forty one: Mother's Day

Sunday:

I'm feeling much better today. Quiet day at home. Presents then the kids made me breakfast (with daddy supervision), and Tim went out and bought food for the day since we weren't originally expecting to be in. Mostly reading and family computer games today. And too much eating. Luckily tomorrow is Monday and another fresh week.

Eight week diet plan:
Fortnight One - stick to plan, maybe a little treat, lose lots of weight.
Fortnight Two - a few more treats but mostly to plan, still lose some weight.
Fortnight Three - as many days off plan as on, weight swings wildly.
Fortnight Four - did you say you were on a diet? regain most of the weight.

I'm about to start the final fortnight of this eight week plan. My goal is to stray from my usual pattern outlined above! Surely I can stick to it for two final weeks. Then reassess.

My own mother died January last year, so this is my second Mother's Day without her. My father died almost exactly a year ago. I have thought of them often today.

Thirty six: let food be thy medicine

Tuesday:

I watched a Michael Mosley show last night (I'm doing his Blood Sugar Diet atm), the first episode of "Trust Me I'm a Doctor" where they look at widely held beliefs about health. They covered a few topics but the main one was about how to lower cholesterol and therefore heart disease. They talked to experts and did an experiment where they split some people with high cholesterol into three groups: one reduced saturated fats (animal fat, cheese, butter), one added oats every day, one added almonds every day. And Michael Mosley himself did all three! I think it was for three weeks. It was to see if diet was as effective as statins. The group reducing saturated fats and the group adding oats both had major improvements, cholesterol down around 9-13%. The almonds on average appeared to do nothing, but when they looked at individuals some had a big improvement but some got worse. So that one seemed to depend on the person. And MMs cholesterol was down by about 30% - so it seemed the three strategies stacked benefits! Pretty sure his at least was as effective as the statins he had been taking. Interesting that he has high cholesterol even though he is not at all overweight and presumably follows his own healthy Mediterranean diet plan.

There are online forums for the BSD diet I'm doing and some people (who have stuck to it better than I have) have had amazing results. Weight loss, but also reversing diabetes which is what the diet is designed to do. The received wisdom was that you can't reverse diabetes once you get past the pre-diabetes stage, and maybe that is true in the sense that if they went back to their old eating habits they would have the same high blood sugar problems, but on this diet they have normal blood sugars WITHOUT all the medication they had to take before. Diet is enough, if it's the right diet. Yet the authorities still tell diabetics and prediabetics to eat plenty of carbs, spread throughout the day, to keep blood sugar levels steady! And that diabetes is progressive and you'll have to go on more and more medications eventually. Well yes, if you keep eating lots of carbs! When I've stuck to the diet a bit longer and lost some more weight I'll have my blood sugar tested and see if it's helped me. I don't think that any diet is perfect for everyone, and I tend to be happier with some carbs in my diet, but so many people have improved their blood sugars I am trying to stick with it for the duration.

Another day of clean eating under my belt.

B: roast beef, cucumber, tea.
L: chicken, grapes.
S: Apple.
D: bolognaise with zoodles.
S: cashews.

Twenty seven: danger zone

Sunday:

Despite chocolate and "that time of the month" I continue to lose weight on this awesome diet eating plan. (Really it is a diet in every sense, but people don't like that word. You have to make a lifestyle change. And I am, but this is a kickstarter phase before you go into lifetime phase.)

I have now lost 5 kg since Christmas. And that is a danger zone for me. I've lost that much two or three times in the past 15 years only to put it straight back on. I've never ever lost more than that. It seems to be the point where I have some kind of panic and give up, or get complacent and get slack, or bored and give up, or something. I don't really know why. Of course many times I've given up before that point! But I've never got past it. This time I will, and I'll keep going. 5 kg really isn't a huge amount of weight, I need to lose another 20 at least, but it is a milestone for me.

Dinner was at my brother-in-law's tonight. I did have one piece of garlic bread, but no dessert except fruit.

B: bacon, cucumber, tea.
L: taco salad, tea.
S: cashews, tea.
D: roast lamb, potato, salad, garlic bread, strawberries and grapes.

Twelve: debate

Saturday:

Despite what I wrote only a couple of days ago, this morning I decided that this was a stupid time try to stick to a strict diet. I've been sick for weeks, my hormones are all messed up (into week three of "that time of the month") and now the school holidays have started. Who am I kidding? I can't even stick to a diet when the conditions are perfect! I'm insane to keep trying now - trying and failing.

So I gave it up. Not to mindlessly binge, but so I didn't have to spend every moment of the day focussed on food; what and how much. So I ate a delicious healthy quinoa dish for lunch - but I didn't weigh it. I had an orange without worrying how many carbs it had. We went out for a walk and I had ice cream without stressing or feeling like a failure. It seemed pretty good.

But now I'm about to go out to dinner and the movies with the girls (women of Tim's family) and I am worried again. I have health issues (and body image issues) because of my weight and I need to do something about it. Will there ever be a perfect time to diet? Do I have rice/noodles/potato/bread with dinner tonight, or are starches banned? Can I take a snack into the movie? What do "eating healthy" and "lifestyle change" mean for me? Do I start low carb/calorie again right now? Tomorrow? Monday? When I'm no longer sick? In two weeks when the kids go back to school? I still like the BSD diet but I feel like I need a couple of weeks without hurdles to get going with it.

I'm not sure where I am going to go from here.

[edit: this was just a bad day talking - see tomorrow!]