Taming the grass

Friday:

I was planning to get serious about my food from 1st January, but then found two good reasons not to wait. On Wednesday night we were at Nick & Ping's and did a bit of a Just Dance game, and my niece Emma insisted on watching all the replay videos. Oh my goodness I'm still so fat. It always surprises me, especially since I've lost a bit of weight recently, that I am a lot fatter in reality than I am in my head. Mirrors, photos, and apparently videos all ambush me.

Then I weighed myself Thursday morning to find my weight, which had stayed pretty steady over the Christmas indulgences, had suddenly caught up with reality too and jumped up a fair bit. I was unhappy with the number. So I decided not to wait another four days to stop eating so much junk.

I spent an hour and a half at least in the garden, working on the garden beds that don't yet have an edging of rocks so the pampered lawn has really invaded. I turned bits like this:

 Into this:

It was quite hard sweaty work, the grass had put down lots of roots along the runners and took a lot of effort to rip out. Next cooler day I'll work on getting the rock edging in.

We had people over in the afternoon for a swim and Tim's dad also dropped in with Jo, and Jo's daughter and granddaughter, on their way home from spending Christmas with Jo's family. I put out lots of leftover chips and chocolates but only ate a little bit of cheese, a few grapes, and one Lindor ball. I call that a win! Calories good for the day.

I had a really bad sleep last night. That operation I had a year ago to remove fibroids fixed the heavy periods but didn't take away all the pain. It gets bad each month the week before my period, and I was lying awake in a lot of discomfort for quite a bit of the night. Still aches today. It's 34 C here so I'm tired and sore and hot and not feeling very happy. Still staying away from the bad food though. We still have some in the house but it should be all finished off on Sunday night. Anything left after that will go in the bin.

Reluctant

Tuesday:

Well my mouth continued to be sore for four days after the dentist appointment, up to today when I'm finally able to chew (carefully) on both sides. Apparently this was normal after what I had done, they gave me a leaflet on how to deal with the discomfort. I've been feeling a bit miserable the past few days because I don't like pain (who does?), much better today. I'm not looking forward to the follow-up.

Last week my favourite person at TAFE, Cathy who looks like a young librarian already, said the library where she'd been doing some work with children (she's a music teacher) offered her some temporary work and she was trying to decide whether to take it or continue her studies or both... well she hasn't been in class this week and someone else said she took the job and has switched to online study. I've very glad for her to have this work experience but I'll miss her. I think the job is only for three months while someone else is on leave, so she might be back next term, but you never know. She seems like an ideal employee to me, one of the top students and very nice as well, they'd be mad to let her go.

I don't really want to look for work yet, I want to get my degree first. I couldn't juggle both.

We had lots of family gatherings on the weekend. Lunch after a christening (we didn't get to the service due to sport commitments), a birthday party dinner that night, and another family dinner the next night. I didn't have to cook all weekend! We have chosen a new oven to replace the broken one and it should be delivered on Thursday.

The pool tiler continues to show up occasionally, erratically, and do I don't know what. Preparing the surface. No actual tiles yet! I thought it would all be done last week, silly me. You'd think I'd have enough experience with tradesmen by now. He wants an interim payment but I'm feeling a bit reluctant.

Dentist

Friday:

Another week gone by. And as usual I turn to my blog after a bad day. It gives rather a skewed view, my life is usually pretty good! But good days are often not much to write about.

But today I had a dentist appointment (shudder). I'm not scared of doctors or needles, but I'm very phobic about dentistry. Fear, a small mouth, and a strong gag reflex. I hadn't been for a bout two years, not since we moved to Sydney. And I might not have 'got around to it' this time but I thought I'd lost a filling and could feel a big gap - actually it turned out a piece of one tooth had chipped off and there was another big crack in it. I seriously considered having the tooth removed, but decided to be brave and get the work done.

An hour and a half in the chair today, with two more shorter appointments in the future. It was horrible. Ten hours later and my mouth is still sore this evening.

I wanted to just go home and collapse but we'd organised for me to drop Tim's car off for a rego check, so I did that and faced a long walk home on trembly legs. But then I saw my sister-in-law come out of a shop across the road and I managed to get to her car before she reversed into me (I think she was a bit startled by this crazy person running up to her window waving their arms frantically) and of course she drove me home - I was so grateful! It would have been a pleasant half hour walk if I wasn't miserable and shaky and probably still drooling from the anaesthetic.

The car was supposed to be ready by 1pm but it wasn't done until 5, too late to pick up today, so that meant I didn't have to walk back either! Tim can go tomorrow.

In other news term has started and we're all back into our studies. I got my other exam from last term back and did well, only one question wrong again. I wouldn't say I'm breezing through - I'm working hard for my good results.

On the pool front we've engaged a tiler to create an area next to the pool to put our chairs and things on (we'll fill the rest of the backyard with tropical plants so it's like a resort), after rather more delays than he'd anticipated he finally started today. The pool fence inspection guy came yesterday, unfortunately there are some issues we'll have to fix so that still isn't done. And we can't get the pool finished until the fences are compliant. Sometimes I fear it will never be done! But surely one day we'll have a usable finished pool.

Arthritis

Thursday:

I went to the doctor this morning about my ongoing pelvic pain. I really need to change the medical clinic I go to. Mine (a tiny place but it is free and I have no trouble getting an appointment quickly)has one regular male doctor (who I haven't seen, but my husband didn't like that much) and a different female doctor every six months - part of their work experience straight after their training. I've liked all the female doctors well enough and don't mind that they are quite inexperienced - at least they are up to date! But a new one just about every time I go gives no continuity of care. There, that is decided. In Australia you can go to whatever doctor you like, there are plenty of others nearby to chose from. We started going to that one because it is walking distance.

One part of my pelvic pain that seems affected by the time of the month needs to be followed up with my gynaecologist so that wasn't today. But I've realised that part of my pain is in a close but different place, pain and stiffness in my hipbones especially first thing in the morning and after I've been sitting for a while. The doctor examined me and thinks it might be arthritis. I need more tests. I do have a CT scan from last year that mentions arthritis "with no inflammatory component" whatever that means. She wants to do an X-ray.

She said the best treatment for arthritis is weight loss, and made a longer appointment for me to go back next week to discuss diet and exercise etc. I found it quite depressing. I'm 46, I'm not ready for arthritis. And maybe all the pain in my hands is from it too. And a lecture on diet and exercise? Like I don't already know what to do (just don't do it). I've probably read more about diet and nutrition than any five doctors put together. I've been trying to lose weight for the past 20 years. Since I plan to change doctors anyway I think I will cancel. What can she tell me other than the official government recommendations? Give me a will-power machine and I'll use it.

She measured my height at 152.5cm which is 1.5cm less than my previous doctor said (5ft instead of 5ft and half an inch) then weighed me in jeans and a belt even though I weighed myself in underwear at home this morning (adding a couple of kg) and worst of all took a waist measurement that was nothing like the number I've got at home! I think she said 105cm instead of 98! That is a big difference. Maybe she measured in a different place than I do. I'd given up politely disagreeing by that point. Why bother. I know I'm fat, what does a few cm matter.

Gardening

Wednesday:

Yesterday was grocery shopping, library, gardening, sitting outside doing cross-stitch in the sun.

I've had a couple of relatively comfortable weeks but my pelvic pain is related to my hormonal cycle and is now heading back to a couple of weeks of constant discomfort plus depression. It's like having cramps and PMS but for two or three weeks in a row! While I feel like this, I have to remind myself it is temporary hormones and I should not:
*Leave my family and move to a Rapunzel Tower somewhere.
*Decide my book is rubbish and delete the file.
*Declutter my life and throw out a lot of things I still need and love.
*Make a drastic decision about my hair.
*Spend money on random stuff.
*Say anything at all to anyone while I'm feeling emotional.

Just over a week to operation. I will try not to whine too much here.

Today included a walk and some vigorous gardening. We've really got the front yard tidied up. The "green waste" (garden clippings) bin went out yesterday, full, and is overflowing again now with a fortnight before it gets collected again. Lots of work!

I finally got around to buying a frame for a cross stitch sampler I made some years ago... apparently in 1999 going by the date sewn into it! That was the year I met Tim.

I still like this and I think I will hang it somewhere.

Deal with it

Monday:

Tim is back at work and Aiden at school today, Jasmine goes back tomorrow.

This morning I weighed 82.0 kg. Tiny bit up.

I've realised I just have to learn to deal with things as they are now. I have night sweats (often with bad dreams) regularly but I can generally just go back to sleep after they wake me. The herbal tablets don't always work, or I forget to take them. Wearing summer pyjamas, so I am too cold, does seem to help. It's one more thing disrupting my sleep, but I can cope (most days).

The pelvic pain, extended heavy periods, emotional roller coaster, well I'm seeing the gyno next week about the fibroids but if this is my life now well I can't keep turning to chocolate to save me. It doesn't work.

My foot: last night I decided to give up. I've spent months using every treatment available even super strong stuff I had to travel to get from a specialist chemist, the doctor has frozen it four times, nothing has worked. Several times the acid paint has made a chunk of dead skin with part of the wart peel off, but within about 24 hours it was back. It is twice the size it was three months ago. I'll just have to wait for my body to reject the virus, which typically takes a couple of years or more.

So what does that mean? It means I don't want to keep my life on hold waiting to be able to walk comfortably again. But just thinking that doesn't stop it hurting, so I'm not really sure what to do. One thing is that generally it hurts a lot more in the morning and less in the afternoon, so I can work around that. I can remind myself that I am not doing myself any damage - it's not like an injury that needs to be rested.

I put my plans into practise with a short walk in the afternoon with Jasmine. 20 minutes around the block included her trying to catch some Pokémon which slowed us down, the rest of the time she was zooming ahead barely within shouting range. I went slow. When we started I hardly hurt at all, by the time we got back I was very uncomfortable. The pain went again once I was home so it didn't set me up for hours of agony or anything. I will try to remind myself that it will only hurt in the moment then it will be over.

We also did the grocery shopping with no junk bought, only strawberries and cherries for an afternoon tea treat. Good day.

Twenty six: self diagnosis

turday:

Ah, the dangers of the internet. So easy to diagnose yourself with everything under the sun.

A year ago I started getting pelvic pain. I waited a while for it to go away by itself but eventually saw my doctor and had blood tests and an ultrasound, which didn't seem to show anything. The doctor then suggested it was probably diverticulitis (inflammation of the large intestine) which could be confirmed by a colonoscopy, but we were moving house around then (this was six months after the pain started by this time) and I wasn't that keen so never got around to it. The treatment was just to eat more fibre, if it was diverticulitis, and I was trying to eat more healthily anyway.

The pain had gradually decreased to almost nothing. But recently it's flared up again. I was never that convinced it was diverticulitis as I didn't have any of the symptoms except pelvic pain. I've looked around on the internet but nothing seems to fit very well. Definitely time to get some more tests to find out what is going on, instead of just trying to diagnose myself. The cure to whatever it is will probably be to lose weight and exercise.

Nick wanted us all to go away for the weekend again soon, I was dubious after the horrible camping trip last time but was told this would be different. We started to make arrangements today and it sounded pretty much the same to me! But we have diverged from them, we will stay in a hotel nearby while they stay at the camp ground, and get together during the day. It's a popular beach town less than two hours away which should be much nicer than Fly Valley. Restaurants, landscaped pool, beach nearby, coastal walks, much more my kind of weekend than sharing a paddock with 83 four-wheel-drive enthusiasts, a couple of mangy alpacas, and sixteen billion flies.

I'm still in those couple of days a month when my body is telling me that chocolate is the solution to all ills. I ate some. And a bit more. I have too many days when I slip from my plan. Need some more strategies for when things are tough! I can't only be good on a perfect day.

B: eggs, cucumber, tea.
L: chicken with mushroom sauce.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: taco salad.
S: chocolate.

Two months!

Wednesday:

Moving in two months!

Another bad night, with pain keeping me awake from about 4am. It's definitely not as bad as it was, say, last Thursday night (the worst night by far), but it is still very disruptive. Painkillers help me doze eventually but no really good sleep. I was unable to get an appointment with my doctor today (I have one booked for next Tuesday but they hold a few spaces open each day for whoever calls the millisecond they open the phones), I'll try again tomorrow.

The cleaner came this morning so I bustled around getting things off the floor. I don't pre-clean for the cleaner but it's hard for him to do his job when there's Lego blocks everywhere. It wasn't quite so bad today because we have moved some things back out to the rumpus room, it's less cluttered in here.

I spent the rest of the morning looking at houses online. There wasn't anything I really liked in the area where we can afford a nice house. A couple of suburbs along towards the coast and nice houses are suddenly $1.3 million! We are looking in an area near my brother-in-law, but closer to train lines than he is.

Then Tim called to say he'd been discussing the move at work and they have settled on a start date only two months away! Which I am all for, I wanted sooner rather than later. Exciting and a bit scary. I'm really glad we've already had all this work done to the house recently, it's that much less to do. I went out and got a few boxes to start packing up non-essentials. I started with clothes that are too small for me! I filled a bag to give to the Salvos, but also a packing box of items I love and hope to wear again one day.

Just before I went out, it started snowing! It's only the third time I've ever seen snow here, and all three times there have been obvious flakes but they melt before they hit the ground. Still exciting. I certainly noticed how cold it was when I went out straight afterwards, and again in the evening taking Jasmine to her dance lesson.

I am so much better emotionally today. Ready to tackle the challenge of moving.

Improving

Saturday:

Didn't do much today. Rested. Being the weekend, Tim was able to do all the cooking and child-wrangling. I helped a tiny bit putting some things out in the rumpus room then had to lie down - I got exhausted very quickly. Last night was a bit better than the night before and I was able to sleep for up to three hours at a time before needing more painkillers. (Painkillers can actually help reduce pain - who knew?) And today I felt quite a lot better than previous days. I'm really hoping that whatever the problem is, is improving. If it was an infection, maybe I am starting to fight it off. I'm trying not to self-diagnose. The internet gives so many options of things that can go wrong with the human body!

Hopefully tonight will be even more peaceful.

Worse

Friday:

Horrible night with very little sleep. Lots of pain. Sometimes when the pain is not too bad, like a lot of the daytime this week, it's been hard to pinpoint where exactly in the abdomen it's coming from. But when you're lying awake with two spheres of pain throbbing in your pelvis, it's pretty easy. Today the pain hasn't reduced as much as it has other days after bad nights, and for the first time the pain isn't symmetrical, being rather worse on the left. Feeling a bit worried. Hopefully the tests show something, but it seems so long before I get any results. Two/three days, plus weekend, and then almost straight away for ultrasound report. Call it Wednesday** for all of them. That is a lot of sleepless nights away.

**I couldn't get a follow-up appointment with my doctor until Tuesday week! I booked it in, but I'll keep trying to get one earlier - they have a few available if you call first thing on the day. No way I am waiting that a week and a half if I'm still in pain, I'll see anyone.

When I saw the doctor she asked if I was taking any painkillers and I said no, I think by her follow-up comment she took to mean not bad enough for painkillers. I should have objected. The thing is, medication just isn't my first or second or even fifth choice of treatment for pain. My order probably goes:
1. Sit quietly (TV/book) and hope it gets better
2. Eat something, even if nauseated, unless actually throwing up
3. Drink something, especially tea if I am tired or headachy
4. Nap/sleep it off
5. Search internet to self-diagnose
6. See doctor
7. Painkiller medication, after doctor has mentioned it

Tim is the same. We just rarely even think of taking painkillers. 3am when I decided I needed them it took Tim ages to find some that weren't past their use-by date. They helped a little, pain down to a dull roar and an hour's sleep before waking again. I got up as soon as there was a hint of light. Changing position helps, although it hurts while actually moving. I don't know if it's the lying down that makes it so bad or the fact I am motionless for so long.

Sorry to go on about my health so much but it is rather in my mind at the moment.

I took more painkillers in the afternoon and managed to get comfortable enough to nap a little, not feeling so horrible this evening.

In happier news, I do believe the rumpus room is finished!

This was the "before" with the sagging ceiling, the leak damage, and the rather surprising carpet tiles.

It's great to finally get that finished!

Getting worse

Thursday:

I made a doctor appointment on Tuesday about my lower abdominal/pelvic pain but then cancelled because I started to feel better during the day. But I keep having to discard theories about what is wrong, and after yet another bad night last night I called the doctor to reschedule an appointment. Time to get an expert opinion. I searched the internet and couldn't find anything that fitted my symptoms; pain in that particular spot, worse at night, no hernia protrusion, not affecting bladder or bowel function etc. While days are better than nights, it is still very difficult to do anything that involves bending or twisting, like putting on my shoes or picking something up from the floor. Struggling to cope this morning.

I went to the doctor and she wasn't able to give a diagnosis, but she examined me and sent me for blood and urine tests and also for a pelvic ultrasound next week. I'm hoping it will be resolved before I have to do that. It may seem like a trivial discomfort, but anyone whose had to drink a lot of water then not urinate for two hours, and have someone poke around your very full bladder will know just how unpleasant that experience is! One time when I was pregnant I ended up sitting on the toilet crying after the test because I was in so much pain but I couldn't make my body let go and pee. At least this time I don't have a baby sitting on my bladder.

Tim is better today and wonders if he was experiencing a migraine yesterday. He hasn't been diagnosed, but sometimes gets headaches with blurred vision. Worrying.

The painters returned early this morning and did the final coat of paint on the ceiling, now I just need the electrician to replace the lights.

Dream stomach crunches

Saturday:

I am weirdly sore today low down in my abdomen, in my hip flexors maybe. Aching muscles, I think. I thought at first that it was from hill climbing yesterday, but I don't see how I did anything that would make it hurt just there. Then I remembered that last night I dreamed I was doing lots of sit-ups/stomach crunches. It was easy, in my dream, though I can't do them at all in real life. I don't think I did the actual sit-ups in my sleep, but I think I did probably clench my stomach and back muscles while I was dreaming! And now I'm paying for it. Not that I mind, hopefully I got a lot of benefit from those dream crunches. But I'm taking the day off exercise.

Tim hurt a calf muscle jogging yesterday, so we are both limping around a bit. But he still took the kids for a bike ride in the afternoon.

A game I ordered on Kickstarter a while ago, called Exploding Kittens, arrived today and it's fun. The goal of the game is to NOT draw an exploding kitten card, which kills you. It is cute. I believe it was the most funded Kickstarter of all time. It's by a cartoonist call The Oatmeal.

Sunday:

The abdominal discomfort kept me awake a bit last night, and for a while I was worried it wasn't muscular. But it's got better throughout the day so I'm still guessing it was stomach crunches in my sleep!

We finally gave up on our broken fridge and ordered a new one and it's being delivered tomorrow morning 7:15! We are not usually out of bed yet at that time. But we've emptied the old one (keeping only what we could fit in the Esky) and we're ready. I might have had to eat up some ice cream.

Report card:
Diet: Hmm, not so great.
Exercise: None. I could hardly walk some parts of the weekend! All hunched over.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: A bit better.
Mental health: Good. Nice relaxing weekend. Apart from the pain.

Shoulder

Tuesday:

I saw my doctor this morning about continuing pain and stiffness in my left shoulder, more than four years since the original tendon tear. She gave me a referral to x-ray (for arthritis) and ultrasound (for bursitis) with possible steroid injection, some mobility exercises and a suggestion to see a physio. Since I was able to book in the tests for the day after tomorrow, I'll wait for results before finding a physio. That sounds like things are moving forward, but actually my doctor basically said that as I am over 40 I've got to expect this kind of thing. Tears and stiffness and pain are normal for me now and I'll probably just have to put up with it and manage things with regular mobility exercises and anti inflammatory/pain killing medication as needed. Surgery probably wouldn't help. I am not yet prepared to give up on getting back to real health. I'll see what these tests say as a first step so I know what is actually going on, but I am not just going to accept that I'm stuck with this. I put up with it for four and a half years assuming it would eventually get better on its own, it seems that isn't going to happen so I need to be more proactive about it. It really does affect my life too much.

I did the grocery shopping and went home, then got a text that my glasses were ready to be picked up. I also had a library book that needed to be returned today (or else 25 cents per day fine!). I decided to walk the 5 km round trip to do my two errands. I just had time before school finished, and was pretty tired by the end. I had to walk briskly, especially after I had to wait ages at the optometrist. I like my new glasses and everyone noticed them. Oh, except my husband. (He did eventually). They are quite differ from the old ones, which were pale pink. These are purple. Yes, yes, I am overdoing the purple a bit. It's a good colour for winter though.

After school we went to a friend's house, I took grapes and she put out some yummy savoury crackers and chocolate biscuits. At first I ate nothing, just had my tea, but I got really hungry so I had some grapes. It was a low carb day today but I am fine with my choice. I had to sit and watch my friend and our four kids and their dog all stuffing themselves! Sticking to grapes was commendable, I think! Bending with the winds of circumstance, not breaking. (I was in a real rush after my walk and didn't have time to organise some kind of protein + fat snack for myself that would be enough to share with everyone.)

Fish and salad for dinner. I had a very clean eating day today. My renewed diet vigour is partly because the 48 hour weigh-out window for month three of my six month dietbet has started. I have my timestamp word SPINACH on a flashcard in front of me here. You weigh yourself with the word in the photo so they know it was taken on the right day. The cumulative weight loss needed for this weigh-out is 8% -- there is no way I'll make that. I lost weight in the first month but regained it all in the second, so losing all that plus more was near impossible. My personal goal for this month is 4% of my starting weight, which will get me back on the right track towards catching up by the end of the six months for the final weigh-out. It is still a big ask but I am hopeful. I ate well and exercised today and will do again tomorrow, who knows what Thursday morning's scale will bring?

Report card:
Diet: Great.
Exercise: Great. Over 12,000 steps.
Water: Excellent.
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Good.

Too much cake

Saturday:

This week has been shocking in terms of unhealthy food intake.

I'm still not sure if I am better off as an abstainer (just don't eat particular foods) or a moderator (have a bit of what you fancy). On the one hand, sometimes the thought of giving up favourite foods sends me into a deprivation panic binge. But on the other hand, telling myself that trigger foods are ok to have occasionally can be a slippery slope.

I haven't been in an active weight-loss mindset for a few weeks now, since I started working longer hours than I am used to in an office. I put concentrating on eating healthily on hold while I focussed on working and getting the kids to all their after-school activities, grocery shopping etc. It's not my usual routine and I guess I felt like is it very temporary state of things (only one week to go now before the end of this contract).

But.

This week we had take-away on Monday. On Tuesday we had a play-date to which I brought (and ate) biscuits (cookies), and then had lots of junk at supper that night. And I think that was the day my boss brought cake to a meeting (luckily I didn't like it so only picked at a slice to be polite, but I would have eaten it if it was something nice). Wednesday is my long day at work so I had a packet of Cheezles to get me through the afternoon. On Thursday there was a big cake sale in aid of refugees in the foyer of my building. I went down and there was a huge queue (they ended up making $2500, it is a big building). As we all crept forward I started to get really paranoid about all the good stuff being gone, so when I finally got to the front I bought four things! Four! I gave one to a workmate, but ate the cupcake and two pieces of fudge. Then that afternoon grabbed fries from McDonald's with my daughter before we did the shopping -- at which I bought several packets of biscuits and ate some of those that night. Friday didn't get any better, my daughter had an extra dance rehearsal so after we dropped my son at gymnastics we went to a café for cake before going on to her dance. A drink and more biscuits in the evening.

This concept of having a treat occasionally, as part of being a balanced human being, obviously doesn't apply to that list!

Time to start turning it around.

I haven't mentioned zombies for a while. Walking to work doesn't really suit the program, I walk briskly but can't comfortably break into a run while in to work clothes and I don't want to get caught by zombies again! Also I am beside busy roads for part of the way, making it hard to hear, and it isn't quite far enough for a whole session. I've given up training to run for the time being but still want to listen to the zombie episodes at some point when I go for longer walks, when I can do a bit of jogging too if I feel like it or the zombies get too close.

There is an anti-smoking ad here at the moment that talks about will power being a muscle that you can build up with repeated use, and I think that is true, but studies have also shown that you have a limited amount of will power at any one time. If it gets used up, you are likely to give in to the next thing that comes along and tempts you. That still fits with the muscle analogy, it's like working a muscle to fatigue and you just can't lift any more that day. Like someone starting a fitness program from the couch, you can to work up to doing more reps of heavier weights but you can't do it all in one day.

I didn't really have a point there (I wasn't trying to say I can't resist cake because my will power muscle is too small!), I just thought that was interesting. The lesson, I suppose, is to reduce the amount of temptation you are exposed to until you can handle it. I'm definitely struggling with that aspect. I usually work from home where I have total control over what comes in, and it's much harder for me to access junk if I suddenly get a craving -- I would have to walk 20 minutes each way or get in the car. In the office, there are boxes of chocolates in the tea room being sold for charity, and vending machines, and cake sales, and a major supermarket just next door. And I am grocery shopping late in the afternoon when I am tired instead of first thing in the morning, and getting a snack with my daughter first. The opportunities for unhealthy food have gone from around twice a week to all day every day. It's something I won't miss when this contract ends in a week.

There is another reason to be glad it is ending. I left my full-time office job eleven years ago after two years of crippling pain with RSI -- or occupational overuse syndrome I think was the preferred term. I had numerous sessions a week of painful physio, plus aqua physio (physio in a pool), acupuncture, lots of anti-inflammatory and pain-killing drugs and I can't even remember what else. But as long as I still went in to work, even on part-time sick leave, I was getting worse and worse. In the end I couldn't dress myself or even sleep comfortably, the pain in my shoulders and arms and hands was so bad. So I quit work and got a pitiful amount of compensation - a couple of months salary. My husband worked long hours and then came home and did everything else as well. I was in pain all the time.

Over five or six years (during which I couldn't go near a computer) I got to the point where I rarely felt any pain. It was only occasionally triggered; usually by some combination of too much computer usage, being sick, having PMS and/or cold weather. I started working from home as a freelancer, which was pretty ideal as I could make my own hours.

I've been back in the office for five weeks now, five hours a day, and the pain has been creeping back for a couple of weeks. It is clearly too much for me, even eleven years later. It makes me a bit sad, I was enjoying many things about being back in a office. Being around other people instead of alone all day was a big part of it. My "dream job" was to get a part time job with a publisher. But I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me if I can only offer two or three hours a day. So it's back to freelancing from home, with its freedoms and its loneliness. And dealing with the occasional crazy.

The upside is I will have a lot more time to plan and cook healthy meals and exercise regularly.

Lurching onwards

Tuesday:

I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I have this constant mental back-and-forth about running. I've been sticking to it because I would love to be able to run, and I enjoy listening to the app, and feel quite a lot of pressure (from myself) about not quitting everything all the time.

But I hate doing it. It is boring. And my legs hurt so much, all down my shins. Yesterday I was finding walking down stairs quite painful. I did another training run today and it hurt my shins all over again. I was limping a bit after I got home today. Am I damaging my body? Am I stupid to keep doing it when there are fun things like dancing that are just as much exercise without the bad bits?

I want to overcome obstacles, to succeed in difficult circumstances. I want to be able to look back and know that it was hard but I did it anyway. Maybe it's an opportunity for personal growth or something.

I was watching Biggest Loser Australia last night. Five contestants were sent home for a few days (which they were mostly very happy about) but almost immediately they were told they had to do a challenge, riding a spin bike for five hours. They could get other people to help them. The one covering the most distance would win something (unspecified). Four of the five seemed resigned, even quite excited about it. They asked workmates or family to take turns with them, one went to her old primary school, which her mother now taught at, and got a whole classful of kids to ride for a few minutes each.

The fifth person, a girl in her early 20s who already had a reputation as a slacker in the House, reacted quite differently. She whined and complained and had a tantrum. Five hours on a spin bike was a waste of her time, she'd wanted to spend time with her family (the others did spend time with their families, at the bike!), she had plans, she'd been misled about being able to come home, she was so angry and unhappy. So ... she hadn't been planning to spend any of her time exercising in the days at home, then? She said she would do it all by herself because she wouldn't waste anyone else's time on such a stupid challenge. Her mother kept her company, and also tried to recruit some passers-by (with very limited success) to ride a little for her.

We don't have the results of the challenge yet, but that is less important to me than the impact this person's attitude had on me. She was clearly so unpleasant to be around. She never stopped complaining. She only saw the negative. She made herself and those around her unhappy, when others used exactly the same circumstances to get pumped up and get friends and family to rally around.

Maybe, with her attitude, she knew she wouldn't have any family or friends willing to help. Sad thought.

I really don't want to be like that.

I vent a lot here and write about my frustrations but I really am trying to complain less. I want to be a positive happy person who is fun to be around. Still a lot of work to do.

So partly because of that episode, I got myself out for my zombie run today even though Sunday's session was boring and difficult. It was the same run format, but at least with a zombie this time so it was less boring. I also purchased Queen's Greatest Hits from iTunes so I have 51 well-loved songs to listen to that don't make the app glitch. It went smoothly today. Me, not so much.

I walked to the oval with the kids after arranging to meet some of their friends there (unfortunately they never showed up, but the kids were ok playing) and didn't start the app till we got settled. Warm-up then free form run which for me was short running intervals, then five 60 second running intervals. I ran the first one, made it to 45 seconds on the second, felt sick after the third, better on the fourth, 45 seconds again on the fifth because my shins were hurting so much. Then I limped around and around the oval for the two 8-minute free-form runs plus 2 mins official walking. Didn't manage any more running. By the time we got home I'd done about 1 hour 20 mins. Continuing doubts about the wisdom of all of this.

I did try to focus on some of the good parts of the outing. The intense blue of the sky, and the freshly-mown green of the grass. The music. My kids having a good time. The young couple with the big kite, it looked like it took a lot of strength to control and he had to keep helping her when it was her turn. Cute. Lots of people throwing balls for their dogs. The chained zombie trying to get loose. Plenty to enjoy.

My first ever race

Sunday:

I was probably forced to run some races in primary school (grades 1-6), in fact I can remember a 400 metre race where I started out fast and was in the front group for a short time, then I burnt out and I don't think I even finished. In high school I don't think I even went to any of the athletics carnivals, which were nominally compulsory. So it's been a long time between races.

My goals were 1) To finish the race, 2) To not come last, 3) To get a decent time (for me), although I wasn't really sure what that would be. 30 mins would be a dream time, I though somewhere between 35 and 45 was likely. The race was 3.4 km.

The race was scheduled to start at 9.30 am so we got up at our usual time and were there by 8.30 which was the time I was supposed to pick up my bib by. I walked around and looked at my starting line and the finish, but then still had an hour to kill. The kids played on the nearby playground equipment and I went to the toilet three times, just in case. Yesterday had been cold and cloudy, but today was warming up nicely. I was feeling pretty terrified, full of nervous energy.

Shortly before 9.30 we walked down to the starting line. There were only a handful of people there, but going by the bib numbers we'd seen around there were at least 2000 participants doing the two races (the 6 km had a different starting point but the same finish line). People gradually trickled down from the oval where the finish line and all the tables were located, and joined the queue on the narrow bike path. I didn't want to be right up the front as I would be running slowly and then walking, but I didn't want to be too far back either, so I was in about the 5th row of people. There were several hundred people behind me, I guess. All ages including kids, and a few dogs. And we waited. There was one official there, keeping people behind the line but not doing much else. We waited some more. Ronald McDonald (spokesclown for the major sponsor) had some photos taken in the front row.

Finally a ute drove up and someone with a loudspeaker went over some race info and introduced the family of organisers. It became clear that they had started the 6 km at 9.30 then come to our starting line. Finally, 20 mins after the advertised start, the gun went and we were off.

I already had my music going (Tina Cousins) and had been poised for 20 mins to start RunKeeper. Despite the countdown I still managed to be startled by the bang, but I pressed start and I was away. I enjoyed running along with a big group, people started to spread out but we were still pretty clumped.

I walked a bit then ran again until I got to a sign that said 1 km, with an official beside it cheering us on. Surely that was too soon? It didn't feel like I had run that far -- if I had I was going to nail this race! I checked my RunKeeper shortly after and that said I had gone about 600 metres. I think the sign was for the 6 km race which joined the bike path at a different place and then did a lap of the whole lake whereas we went out and back. Anyway, it was a bit confusing.

At this point, after two quite long intervals of running (long for me, anyway), my body was feeling good except for my shins which really started to hurt. They were hurting a lot. My walking pace at this point fell below 5 km/h and I was trying to stretch as I walked -- going on tiptoe for a while. I continued walking for quite a while, I think, then up the steep ramp to the bridge. Just before going up, the first runner past me going the other way back towards the finish line.

About halfway across the bridge a little kid (maybe 7 or 8 years old) somehow walked straight into a metal street-light pole, face first. Maybe he had his eyes closed? There were tears. His mother was with him for cuddles and remonstrations ("remember at running school they told you to run with your head up?") so I just kept going and shortly afterwards they ran past me so he mustn't have been too hurt.

On the other side of the bridge there was a nice down slope, so I ran again until I got to the water station, had a few mouthfuls of water, ran a bit more. Looped under the bridge and back up the slope again onto the other side to cross back. I wasn't in quite as much pain now but for some reason I felt a little teary. I was about halfway now. I didn't see any distance markers except for that one erroneous 1 km one. As I was on the bridge on the way back, the last of the walkers in my race were crossing for the first time.

On the way back along the lake I kept bursting into brief spurts of speed, passing a few walkers each time. I wanted to do one big sprint across the oval to the finish line so I was saving a little bit for that. My running sements up until then were up around 8.5 km/h, I tried to keep the walking around 5 km/h.

Finally I got to the grass and ran for it (RunKeeper says I did 11.15 km/h which is excellent for me). The final stretch wasn't as far as I had thought, I definitely could have run further. There were a few people still cheering us on and I looked from side to side for my family but couldn't see them. I crossed the finish line, dodging Ronald McDonald (I realised afterwards he was probably trying to high-5 me) and there were my family, taking a picture.

I don't have an official time yet (not sure when I get that, if at all) but I remembered to stop RunKeeper after a short time and it said 36:48 at that point so I'll call it 36 minutes for now. An average of 5.74 km/h over the whole race.

I handed in my bib with its timing chip and got a certificate and scoffed down some watermelon. We didn't stay for the presentation, although they announced it as we were walking away, I felt my family had already been hanging around for a long time. Otherwise I would have applauded the winners, and had more fruit. I was starving when we got home and ate a lot of leftover chicken.

So in terms of my goals: 1) I finished! 2) I didn't come anywhere near last, although I might have been near the back of the run/walkers. Plenty of walkers behind me. 3) I got a time at the lower end of my guesstimate, so I am happy with that.

My shins hurt pretty badly during the race, probably worst during the second quarter but still painful after that. I feel I could have run much more if I didn't have that problem. As it is, I am still undecided whether to run again. I could run on grass to build up my endurance, but I hate the feeling that I am damaging my body every time I run on a hard surface. I'll take a week off running, and see how I feel after that. Really, aside from my shins, I could run/walk a 5 k race now and enjoy it. 

I did a race! And didn't suck!

random photo of a fun run by phonakin