Pool party

Monday:

This morning I weighed 72.8 kg. A dramatic loss of.... (drumroll please) 0.1 kg for the week. I suppose it's better than the gain I'd been showing most of the week. But very unimpressive.

I'm still feeling a bit yuck with flu, achy and sore throat, and Tim was feeling off yesterday too. He went to work today though.

Jasmine had her pool party yesterday (actual birthday tomorrow) and it was a great success. I didn't take photos because it seemed a bit intrusive considering they were all in swimming costumes the whole time. But I did get a photo of the (very expensive) gelato cake.

Jasmine is badly sunburned on her face and arms, and so is the girl who stayed for a sleepover. Not sure about the ones who left after the party. I hope they are not too bad. They all had sunscreen on, but were out in the Australian sun for several hours. I guess we should have had the party later in the day, but it was such lovely weather for a pool party! I went swimming after the girls left, and the water was almost too warm to be refreshing. There is no shade out there until quite late in the afternoon, this time of year. I feel guilty, I should have planned better somehow. At least they all seemed to have a great time, constant shouting and squealing.

Birthday

Sunday:

I'm waiting for Tim and Jasmine to finish icing my birthday cake for afternoon tea...

Last night we went out to dinner at my favourite local tapas restaurant. I love being able to have little bits of lots of different things rather than a plate of all the same thing. It also allows you to try something new without being afraid you will hate it and waste a whole meal.

Then this morning I was given some exciting presents. The two most memorable are probably the purple contact lenses with a weird design on them (I will try them tonight when people come over) that they got at Comicon, and the warm rug shaped like a mermaid's tail to snuggle under when watching TV. Oh, and a DVD series about secret superhero librarians!

Most of the day has been relaxing and playing computer games, but tonight we have family over for birthday dinner. Lovely day so far. And cake soon!


.... ok here is my lovely cake.

I did NOT eat this huge slab! I only had a few bites. Very rich and sweet.

We shared most of it with the family later, and I gave Tim candles to put on it. So he came out with the cake saying "Natalie wants candles and a happy birthday song." !! How embarrassing. Adults are supposed to cringe with awkwardness while people are singing Happy Birthday, not ASK for the experience.

Here is me preparing dinner. I've started wearing an apron when cooking, to protect my clothes. Handy devices. Doesn't the food look healthy! Luckily you can't see the chicken in cream sauce or the potatoes with crispy bacon.

And here is me with my mermaid tail rug. I love it! The 'necklace' is supposed to be a tiara but didn't really fit on my head. It's glow-in-the-dark. And goes well with the tail.

I tried to put in the weird contact lenses but they were too uncomfortable. I'll try again another time after I've washed them, but I don't know if they fitted me properly. I used to wear real prescription contacts and I had no trouble with those.

We played choose-your-own Trivial Pursuit after dinner. We have several different sets and for each question people got to choose normal questions, children's (only if you were a child), Harry Potter theme or World of Warcraft theme. I had a very nice birthday.

Laser Underground

Saturday:

Aiden had his party today at Laser Underground, one of those places where ten year old boys run around in a dark room shooting laser guns at each other. It was an organised party with food provided but I made the cake. I thought about making it last night but decided I would have plenty of time in the morning. I underestimated how long it takes for a cake to cool so you can put on the frosting! I even put it in the freezer for a while. I had to send Tim and the kids off to the party and wait at home for another 20 mins. Since we'd loaned Nick our second car, I had to walk up carrying the cake. It was about 30C outside and that cake was heavy! By the time I got there (15 min walk) the beautifully frosted chocolate layer cake was a bit slumped... managed to fix it ok when I got there and put it in their fridge, and it was still delicious. I took my own lunch instead of eating the catered pizza and lollies, but did have a slice of cake.

The boys had a great time, including Tim and the uncles who also played. Aiden's friends were ridiculously noisy. I don't think they had a volume below shouting. Give them a laser gun and they turn into screaming barbarians. I didn't do the games, so Jasmine was the only girl in there.

Nine: funeral

Wednesday:

Today was not a great day.

This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.

Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.

We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.

I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.

Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.

When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.

What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.

Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).

The past few days

Sunday:

I ended up winning $42.02 on dietbet - that is my $25 stake back plus $17.02 profit. Of course the money isn't the real prize (if it was it wouldn't be worth four weeks hard work!) but it is a nice motivator. I haven't weighed myself since then. I plan to do another dietbet after Christmas.

The kids' last day of school for the year was Wednesday, Tim worked until Friday but is now on holidays too. On Thursday I babysat a friend's children as she was working, they were here all day. Luckily they are very good friends with my children and they had a great time. When they were younger such a long day could sometimes be a bit too much, but it was fine.

Friday was cake day. I decided to buy the kids a treat when we were out shopping, Aiden chose potato chips but Jasmine and I decided we would get a some cake from a really good bakery nearby. It doesn't sell by the slice but it does have quarters - big enough for three generous slices. But when we got there the cake we wanted wasn't available by the quarter, only whole or half. After some dithering I bought a half. Six slices for two people (neither my son nor my husband like chocolate cake, even with chocolate and strawberry cream). We had a slice for morning tea. And afternoon tea. And dessert after dinner. Urg. It was really really good cake, with real ingredients not processed junk. But this is why I haven't dared weigh myself! I'm not proud of cake day.

We didn't host Christmas last year and won't this year, but I love cooking and I wanted to try a turducken (duck inside chicken inside turkey - in this case using just the breast of each) so tonight we are having a "Christmas in December" as I'm calling it (yes that is a joke). We'll have a little/big Christmas style dinner just for us. We watched the Carols last night from Sydney and the kids have been doing some Christmas crafts and decorating.

Mum is getting worse. She no longer wants to talk on the phone. I have talked to my brother but it's harder to get all the information I want from him. I think her doctor has changed her medication again and has moved up some other appointments. I'll see her in a few days and may stay after Christmas. I'm not sure what I can do for her. I feel like she should be in hospital, since she can still hardly eat. She seems to be going downhill fast. I lie awake worrying. I can at least prepare some food for her, she asked specifically for soup, and take that.

We are going over to a friend's house for brunch. I really haven't felt like socializing this year but I guess I can't just sit at home and worry, that doesn't help anyone.

Catching up

Monday:

Well I somehow skipped blogging for a few days. So here is a summary.

On my Thursday workout, which I slogged through despite feeling yuck, I must have bruised my tailbone on the stationary bike because sitting back in my chair hurt for the next three days! I did feel a bit sore when I was on the bike but I was basically hating it all anyway so I didn't realise there was anything extra. I seem to be ok now but I might stay off the bike a few more days.

I took Friday off exercise without guilt, after doing four days straight. Both Tim and I had some mild illness with fatigue and I had a sore throat and we both had depressed mood - which maybe explained Thursday's ennui. I spent most of the day shopping for my son's birthday which is next week. Lots of presents! I was really good while I was out, making great food choices when surrounded by temptation, but when I got home, exhausted, in the afternoon I had some unplanned snacks and went over my calorie limit.

Saturday included my son's best friend's birthday party. I had a few m&ms then a slice of cake that was so sweet I only had a few bites. I thought it was probably just me, but my daughter said it was too sweet too, and she is a child! The icing was just an inch of sugar. When we got home my husband baked a much nicer cake ... I don't think the 15 minutes dancing I did counteracted two slices of that. I planned to dance more but was still feeling very fatigued.

Sunday was my official weigh in. I had watched my weight go down and down during the week then up and up again at the end, and I finished where I started. I did do four days of exercise, which is a win, but my food got out of control in the second half of the week. Sunday was a quiet day at home I think? It's all blurring together.

Today I chose to dance for my exercise because I have just bought the new Kinect Xbox game "Just Dance 2015". I hate that they call it 2015. I can guarantee that there are no songs from 2015 on it! I do like having new tracks to conquer. They have made it pretty easy though. There are no levels of difficulty and I've got 4 or 5 stars first try each time while still learning the dance. The Just Dance series are more about fun than challenge (Dance Central is more difficult). There is a sing-along feature which is good. I get to work on "Let it Go"!

In my non-weight-loss life I am still working through self-editing my novel before I let anyone else read it. And the pace is picking up in reading entries for the Aurealis Awards. I've read 8 out of 20 books (anthologies and collections of short stories) so far and more will be submitted up to the end of the year. It's not too onerous, when I did fantasy novels I had 63 books to read in about 8 months. I haven't received any "hard copy" books at all this year - they are all on my Kobo e-book! Ah, times change. They only started accepting e-books the year before last, I think. Didn't take long for everyone to swap over. I suppose it is easier for the publishers to send me a file via email, but I will miss big parcels of real books being delivered every week.

Lots of chocolate cupcakes

Saturday:

Today we did a bit of Christmas shopping as a family and put up the tree. After dinner I made and iced 36 delicious chocolate buttermilk cupcakes with cream cheese frosting for a baby shower tomorrow. It took rather longer than I expected, and now it's bedtime and my back is aching!

Not really sure why I was asked to make cupcakes; the mother-to-be's sister-in-law is the cupcake queen of our family, she's done a decorating course and everything. Maybe she's doing some too (in which case mine will look rather pathetic beside hers, but of course will still be very tasty) or maybe she was given other duties. Anyway, I was very happy to do it.

My mum still isn't feeling any better, she'll get some more blood test results back on Monday. We are going to see her tomorrow before the baby shower. Then Tim and Aiden are off with the other boys to play Laser Zone while the girls sit around and eat cakes and play games like guessing how big the pregnant woman's stomach is.

The kitchen is a bit of a mess but I don't care, I'm off to bed.

Burlesque

Tuesday:

I did dancing today for the first time in a couple of weeks. So much more energetic than walking or yoga! I did "Sweat Mode" which means the tracks are continuous with no mucking around while you choose the next song. 30 mins of that and I was ready to collapse. But then I bought an alternative version of Gwen Stefani's "If I was a rich girl" with my earned tokens so I had to try it. It used a chair as a prop! Very burlesque, very tricky. Fun. Then it automatically showed me a clip of myself doing it. Hmm. I looked even less like the dancer than I had imagined. But I don't care, I enjoyed it anyway. I can't let what I look like now stop me from doing things I want to do.

The food side continues to be a problem. After the party I got my husband to hide some leftovers for future D&D sessions and I threw out all but one slice of the cake, which I put aside for my daughter (it was my son's birthday but he doesn't really like cake). I forgot to offer it to her and then remembered it last night ... and ate it. I'd been so good all day, too.

Birthday

Wednesday:

It was my birthday yesterday! 43. I started this blog three years ago, actually two weeks before my 40th birthday. As that milestone thundered towards me I began a series of attempts to lose weight. Before that I'd only really tried once, that I recall, a low-carb diet that my mum suggested and paid for before my wedding. I lost 5kg and nearly my sanity. Grumpy and miserable the whole time. Over the past three years I've tried a few different methods, lost a measly 5kg but then maintained it with little bobs up and down on the scale.

I had a lovely day. Presents in bed (my main present was a new lap top to write my novel on), lunch at a fancy restaurant with my husband, play date with a friend after school and D&D games night. I didn't "pig out" at any one time but I was kind of eating all day. And yes I had cake! I also played with my new lap top and listened to the awesome Eurovision CD my daughter gave me.

Today was busy with two events at the school, one in the morning and one at lunch time. A lot of my day was either at the school or driving my husband to and from work so he could attend too. And the grocery shopping. But I found one hour for my first writing session and managed 536 words. I have begun! Generally I hope to write more like 800 words an hour, but I was still mucking around with the software. And stopping to gaze out the window of the library in a bit of a panic at what I have committed myself to.

I had very little to eat all morning and then a very late lunch (nearly 2pm, I usually have lunch around 12) and I was really hungry for about four hours before I got to eat. Genuine hunger, with stomach rumbles and everything. But you know what? I didn't die, or even faint or anything. I was hungry at 10 and even hungrier at 11 but then stayed about the same until I finally got my late lunch. And it was so good! Hunger is survivable. Actually, in the past I have had some problems with mood swings if my blood sugar drops but I was ok today. I'm feeling in control.

I'm serious, that's more than enough cake

Thursday:

Tuesday had been really busy, I didn't get to have a lunch break. I had a couple of hours notice that what I'd been working on for weeks had to be finished that day, so my boss took over part of it to get it done. She made a comment that there didn't seem much to do and she didn't know why I'd been taking so long (usually she is very nice, I guess she was under a lot of pressure). It quite hurt my feelings, and I also felt that she wasn't acknowledging that she had the benefit of all the work I'd already done to base her quickness on.

Anyway, the busy day combined with PMS caused my RSI to flare up really badly and I had a difficult night and then called in sick the next day. My boss called me a couple of hours later to ask me to come in to advise without typing or doing anything that would exacerbate the RSI, so I did. And it turned out there were huge problems with the bit she did! It got sent back to us. I went through it and found 31 things she missed, some very important. Sorry to get petty about it, but I felt very vindicated!

As she said some very nice things to me today about if I ever needed a job reference from her.

The RSI pain is a lot better today but I'm still glad there is only one day to go before I can take a break. I'm keen to start on my novel, too, but not until I'm back to normal -- and also I'll only be typing a couple of hours a day not five.

Today there was a morning tea at work, held by the regular staff to thank us contractors for helping out. Even a lovely speech. And lots of cake. Ok, I had a piece. Only one. Then drank tea and chatted. The 'party' was right beside my desk, they even used my filing cabinet as a table for the food. So for the next couple of hours there was a bunch of leftovers right behind me. Then when I was away from my desk, someone rolled the filing cabinet back in beside my desk ... with the leftovers still on it. Are you kidding me? Not enough to have the smell of chocolate cake wafting around my head, I have to be looking at it too.

Eventually I moved it all to someone else's filing cabinet, but only about two desks down, where I still passed it every time I left my desk. Um, I may have brought a couple of slices home for the kids ... and me. Not a great idea, I know. Terrible idea. Maybe that willpower thing was true. I resisted for hours and hours then at the last moment when I was leaving I grabbed some to take with me. I'd used up all my anti-chocolate-cake willpower for the day.

Ok. Take a deep breath. Start again.

Did I mention it is my birthday in five days?

What it is with the cake, already

Tuesday:

On most Tuesday afternoons I get together with a friend after school, the kids play together and we have a cup of tea and a chat. We both provide some food from various places on the healthiness scale; fruit, home-made muffins, breadsticks. Today my friend brought half a cake. I'm getting a bit worried about this weird cake motif in my life lately. Usually I can go months without seeing one.

PS I didn't have any.

I've decided to go with the basic counting calories (plus exercise) method of weight-loss. I'm not specifically cutting out or down on any particular food (or pseudo-food) groups, but you can't fit much butter or bread into a lowish calorie regime, so there will be less fat and carbs. Bring on the vegetables!

Rain and more cake

Monday:

Well I've put on about 1.5 kg since I last weighed myself, and no wonder. This morning we had another morning tea at work, cake and biscuits. Luckily it was another cake I didn't like (coffee and walnut, this time, I hate coffee) so I wasn't tempted by that but I did have a couple of chocolate covered biscuits. I feel like my workplace if full of unexpected hazards! But I can't blame it all on work, I also had a chocolate éclair when out shopping with my family yesterday.

The more junk I eat, the harder it is to stop.

To help make sure I actually do it, I've told lots of people that I am going to take time off and write a novel. I've belonged to a writing group for a few years but only faffed around, of course they were all very supportive. When the big boss at work called me this afternoon to say they could extend my contract for another month, I told him I had other plans. I'm excited but also scared, I know it is going to be really hard work. But I also know from experience that getting started each session is the hard bit, once I start writing I don't really want to stop. Kind of like exercise.

I didn't walk to work today, only the second time I've driven, because it was pouring rain. Still is, probably will be raining all day tomorrow too. I don't mind a sprinkle, especially on a warm day, but this is bucket-loads and it is freezing here. Canberra does tend to get its rain in winter.

Last Thursday it wasn't raining but it was very cold, and I got home late after ferrying children around to their activities looking forward to a hot and tasty casserole. It was lukewarm, the cooking process barely started after more than three hours. So our oven is broken. And I'd just done the grocery shopping and included a roast and two more casseroles for the week ahead. Luckily we have a slow cooker and the stove-top still works. The slow cooker is great for casseroles, but didn't work so well for the lamb roast. It was falling apart but with no crispy bits or golden potatoes.

Maybe I think too much about food.

Too much cake

Saturday:

This week has been shocking in terms of unhealthy food intake.

I'm still not sure if I am better off as an abstainer (just don't eat particular foods) or a moderator (have a bit of what you fancy). On the one hand, sometimes the thought of giving up favourite foods sends me into a deprivation panic binge. But on the other hand, telling myself that trigger foods are ok to have occasionally can be a slippery slope.

I haven't been in an active weight-loss mindset for a few weeks now, since I started working longer hours than I am used to in an office. I put concentrating on eating healthily on hold while I focussed on working and getting the kids to all their after-school activities, grocery shopping etc. It's not my usual routine and I guess I felt like is it very temporary state of things (only one week to go now before the end of this contract).

But.

This week we had take-away on Monday. On Tuesday we had a play-date to which I brought (and ate) biscuits (cookies), and then had lots of junk at supper that night. And I think that was the day my boss brought cake to a meeting (luckily I didn't like it so only picked at a slice to be polite, but I would have eaten it if it was something nice). Wednesday is my long day at work so I had a packet of Cheezles to get me through the afternoon. On Thursday there was a big cake sale in aid of refugees in the foyer of my building. I went down and there was a huge queue (they ended up making $2500, it is a big building). As we all crept forward I started to get really paranoid about all the good stuff being gone, so when I finally got to the front I bought four things! Four! I gave one to a workmate, but ate the cupcake and two pieces of fudge. Then that afternoon grabbed fries from McDonald's with my daughter before we did the shopping -- at which I bought several packets of biscuits and ate some of those that night. Friday didn't get any better, my daughter had an extra dance rehearsal so after we dropped my son at gymnastics we went to a café for cake before going on to her dance. A drink and more biscuits in the evening.

This concept of having a treat occasionally, as part of being a balanced human being, obviously doesn't apply to that list!

Time to start turning it around.

I haven't mentioned zombies for a while. Walking to work doesn't really suit the program, I walk briskly but can't comfortably break into a run while in to work clothes and I don't want to get caught by zombies again! Also I am beside busy roads for part of the way, making it hard to hear, and it isn't quite far enough for a whole session. I've given up training to run for the time being but still want to listen to the zombie episodes at some point when I go for longer walks, when I can do a bit of jogging too if I feel like it or the zombies get too close.

There is an anti-smoking ad here at the moment that talks about will power being a muscle that you can build up with repeated use, and I think that is true, but studies have also shown that you have a limited amount of will power at any one time. If it gets used up, you are likely to give in to the next thing that comes along and tempts you. That still fits with the muscle analogy, it's like working a muscle to fatigue and you just can't lift any more that day. Like someone starting a fitness program from the couch, you can to work up to doing more reps of heavier weights but you can't do it all in one day.

I didn't really have a point there (I wasn't trying to say I can't resist cake because my will power muscle is too small!), I just thought that was interesting. The lesson, I suppose, is to reduce the amount of temptation you are exposed to until you can handle it. I'm definitely struggling with that aspect. I usually work from home where I have total control over what comes in, and it's much harder for me to access junk if I suddenly get a craving -- I would have to walk 20 minutes each way or get in the car. In the office, there are boxes of chocolates in the tea room being sold for charity, and vending machines, and cake sales, and a major supermarket just next door. And I am grocery shopping late in the afternoon when I am tired instead of first thing in the morning, and getting a snack with my daughter first. The opportunities for unhealthy food have gone from around twice a week to all day every day. It's something I won't miss when this contract ends in a week.

There is another reason to be glad it is ending. I left my full-time office job eleven years ago after two years of crippling pain with RSI -- or occupational overuse syndrome I think was the preferred term. I had numerous sessions a week of painful physio, plus aqua physio (physio in a pool), acupuncture, lots of anti-inflammatory and pain-killing drugs and I can't even remember what else. But as long as I still went in to work, even on part-time sick leave, I was getting worse and worse. In the end I couldn't dress myself or even sleep comfortably, the pain in my shoulders and arms and hands was so bad. So I quit work and got a pitiful amount of compensation - a couple of months salary. My husband worked long hours and then came home and did everything else as well. I was in pain all the time.

Over five or six years (during which I couldn't go near a computer) I got to the point where I rarely felt any pain. It was only occasionally triggered; usually by some combination of too much computer usage, being sick, having PMS and/or cold weather. I started working from home as a freelancer, which was pretty ideal as I could make my own hours.

I've been back in the office for five weeks now, five hours a day, and the pain has been creeping back for a couple of weeks. It is clearly too much for me, even eleven years later. It makes me a bit sad, I was enjoying many things about being back in a office. Being around other people instead of alone all day was a big part of it. My "dream job" was to get a part time job with a publisher. But I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me if I can only offer two or three hours a day. So it's back to freelancing from home, with its freedoms and its loneliness. And dealing with the occasional crazy.

The upside is I will have a lot more time to plan and cook healthy meals and exercise regularly.

Party

Saturday:

I may not have done any formal exercise today but I am completely exhausted after preparing for, then hosting, a 6 year old's birthday party. He had a lovely time. Family are visiting too, which means more cooking but lots of helpers.

I was really happy with the birthday cake, a delicious Donna Hay recipe and frosted to look like the Ninjago Kai (a Lego ninja character) -- the cake was a yellow Lego man head with a red turban. Tasted great. I probably have a picture of the cake but can't be bothered.

Very tired.

picture of Kai by chilebeans

Pre-birthday

Sunday:

I was very careful with my breakfast and lunch, incorporating lots of fruit and low-PP soup, so that I could splurge on my pre-birthday afternoon tea. It worked fairly well; so that although I ate quite a lot of camembert and crackers I stuck to my daily PP. Um, until you add the chocolate cake. With chocolate cream icing. A slice at afternoon tea, and then another slice for dessert after dinner ... My best guess is about 10 PP per slice, so that is 20 PP over for the day. With my actual birthday yet to come. At least I'm going to the gym tomorrow!

I am finally feeling well! Woo hoo! So nice to be healthy again, it's been a while.

Downward Spiral

Tuesday:

Maybe not tracking over Easter wasn't such a good idea. I haven't been able to get back into it properly since then, my record-keeping has been sporadic at best. Ironically this week's topic at WW was tracking! I have been snacking with the kids, who are home on school holidays, and not exercising very much. Cheese & crackers for supper with my brother-in-law, cake at a cafe yesterday and pizza for dinner tonight because I didn't want to cook. My meals have been pretty good, apart from tonight, but lots of in-betweens.

Each day I vow to pull out of this downward spiral but I have been getting worse not better; leftover Easter eggs, cake at a kids' party, dessert, whatever I want.

So, the two rules are: track everything. Even if it is bad. And drink more water, I've gone back to my bad old ways of only a couple of glasses a day. I'm sure my constant dehydration and my constant snacking are connected.

Oh, and exercise.

Cake and yoghurt

Monday:

Ok, maybe my cake-making skills aren't quite up to the one pictured, but I made a chocolate stegosaurus and a vanilla apatasauras and they weren't too shabby at all. Somehow I forgot to take any photos of the cakes or the party -- a bit annoyed about that -- I will have to rely on my brother-in-law who took photos all day.

I felt sick all Saturday but was ok by evening and fine on Sunday. My baby celebrated his 5th birthday with nine little friends plus his sister. Apart from some organised games, the boys ran around screaming in a mob and the girls sat in Jasmine's room (with the door closed) playing with a iPad. Lots of parents stayed and chatted.

What with one thing and another I had three days in a row without exercise (unless you count hours of house cleaning) so it is going to be hard to catch up to earn my November charm. I went to BodyPump this morning and reduced a couple of weights due to last week's scare but it was fine.

Tim called at around 8.30 tonight, just after I had got the kids to bed, to say he wouldn't be home any time soon, and I immediately turned to the Toblerone. I definitely eat my emotions. Nom nom nom. I'm not mad at him, I know he's not out partying, but I get lonely. Chocolate is my friend. I was careful to get rid of all the leftovers after the party -- sending them home with family or tossing them out -- but I did have some extra Toblerone that I had bought to make the spines for the stegasaurus cake.

Someone or other said "If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution." Very wise. Very deep. And, in the extremely short term, wrong. For that brief moment in time, food is comforting and loving and makes me feel good. Someone else said "You love twisties, but twisties don't love you back." Ah, but they fake it very well.

I forgot to weigh myself Sunday, with all the party preparation and people sleeping on my loungeroom floor and all; Saturday I was 79.7 kg, today I was 79.1 kg. Take your pick.

I started a new editing project today and got up at 6.30 am even though I am not yet at the frantic end of the work timeline. I was awake, as usual, so I thought I might as well get a head start on it. I am still tired in the afternoons but I am not feeling quite as exhausted as I have been, which is great.

My husband eats yoghurt nearly every day. I don't like it much but eat it sometimes because I imagine it is healthy. I find it very sweet though (we have fruit-flavoured ones) -- the ones with artificial sweetner are even worse. So today I tried some natural yoghurt (Jalna greek style). A bit tangy and nasty. I added some raspberries. Better. Not something I would eat for pleasure, but edible. I had some and felt all virtuous. Then plugged it in to my calorie counter and found that it had MORE calories that the stuff with sugar! About 125 calories for half a little tub -- not even counting the raspberries! I could have enjoyed a big chunk of cheese for that cost and still got my dairy. Gipped.

Every Monday I start using the calorie counter again. But when I crash and burn, that afternoon or in a day or so, I give up until the following week. Nothing special about Mondays. I will start again tomorrow.

photo by Jamie Anderson