Ducks and drums

Friday:

Busy day. I slept poorly last night. The Duromine might have contributed to that, but it's just as likely my silly brain being over-vigilant because Tim had to get up really early for a flight. There was extra stress too, he got a text last night that his flight had been cancelled and he'd been put on a later one, and he called them to see if there was anything earlier and was given the run-around and never actually got confirmation about what flight he was on! Just 'they would call if there was a problem'. So it's typical for me to wake frequently under those circumstances, to check the time.

I felt fine in the morning though, I haven't felt tired at all today. And my jelly legs are back to normal!

I had a full-size breakfast (omelette) then spent the morning out shopping. I went to the further-away big shops to get things I can't get locally -- like mascara that doesn't make my eyes explode, and books -- then grocery shopping. By the time I got home at 1:00 I was starving! I made myself a big stir-fry of vegetables with some cashews and garlic, but only ate about a third of the bowl. It's like my stomach has shrunk, or been stapled. I still get hungry, even ravenous, but a small amount of food satisfies me. The best thing is that when I'm not hungry I'm not obsessing about food or craving junk or sugar. I do still think about food and plan my meals but I'm not being driven to eat all the time just out of boredom or whatever.

Still slight nausea sometimes after eating, and I burp and feel better.

It is dangerously windy here today, driving home there were four lots of branches on the road. I had to change lanes to go around them. Tim's flight was ok getting away, I hope planes are still landing to bring him home again and not too bumpy! I walked up to Aiden's school in the afternoon to see his assembly, it was a bit scary walking under trees, branches dropping everywhere. Maybe I should have worn a bike helmet. But I was determined to get some exercise in.

On the way, almost opposite our house, were a lovely family of ducks.

Such cute little babies!

I went to assembly because Aiden was playing drums. He's been having lessons before school all year, for some reason they've teamed drums and ukuleles. And for this performance also the choir. He was the only one playing 'real' drums - i.e. a big drum kit, the others were playing little bongos. Or ukuleles, as the case may be. And there were two separate groups of choir/bongos/ukuleles who did one song each, but Aiden stayed on for both! Very exciting. But. I literally couldn't see him at all once they were all on stage. He was at the back, with everyone else standing or sitting in front of him. And he is very little. I could hear him though. I'm very pleased that he was chosen for the more complicated instrument, we are a musical family. It might have helped that we have a drum kit at home! (and three guitars, keyboard, ukulele, accordion, two violins, clarinet...) Not that he ever practises at home, of course. Jasmine hardly ever practices either. And I can't play anything - I only sing!

I had some fruit and yoghurt in the afternoon though I wasn't really hungry yet, and I'll have a nice dinner tonight of small steak and salad. I feel it's going really well. Duromine doesn't magically melt the fat off, but I'm definitely getting hunger suppression with minimal side effects. I do the rest.  

I also joined a Dietbet, where you have to lose 4% of your bodyweight in 4 weeks. I find the groups there very supportive. No trolls, just people cheering each other on. 

Sunday

Sunday:

I weighed in for my next dietbet. I'm up 200 grams since yesterday. My starting weight for the dietbet is actually a little higher that my "true" weight because I have to be clothed for the photos!

Really exhausted all day. Probably a combination of bad food and the usual tiredness I get from hosting a dinner party. I had several mini-naps (too noisy to sleep with guitars and children and everything) but could hardly keep my eyes open.

I was definitely craving fresh healthy food. I tried the poached eggs function on my egg cooker and it worked well. Eggs, cucumber and a nectarine for breakfast.

Tomato soup for lunch.

A cup of tea in the afternoon (still no sugar!). I wasn't very hungry all day. Then around 5 pm as I was preparing the roast for dinner, I was suddenly ravenous! No wonder, I'd only had around 300 calories so far. I could have had a little snack to tide me over, but I knew there was a delicious dinner on the way if I waited so I did! And I piled up my plate. And wolfed it down. I didn't eat quite all this, because the kids stole half my diced mixed vegetables (curses that they ever discovered how good that is!).

Hopefully I'm now fully recovered from the excesses of yesterday.

Dietbet win!

Wednesday:

My dietbet weigh-out was either today or tomorrow, I needed to be 81.1 kg. I jumped on the scales this morning - 81.2 kg - only 100 grams over! So close! So I waited around a while until, ahem, I used the bathroom, then weighed again. 81.3 kg. What the? How is it possible that I gained weight? I waited for another hour without eating or drinking and weighed again, 81.1 kg! Yay I win! Weigh-out submitted and approved. So I've lost 3.4 kg in just over 4 weeks.

The only problem with dietbet is that it's easy to think, "I won - the dieting is over!" Of course it isn't. I still have lots left to lose. I am going to join another dietbet, I love the chat and encouragement on the activity boards. Harder now that I've already lost the water weight, but I'm going to try.

By the time of my second (too heavy) attempt at a weigh in, Tim was about to leave for work so I couldn't go for a walk (I don't leave the kids alone, although they are probably old enough, and they weren't ready to go out), decided to do something later. We had quite a busy day planned getting school stuff finalised for tomorrow. I don't usually leave things last minute like this. We were out getting tap shoes and pencil cases and extra school shirts and all sorts of things. Still quite a few things we haven't got yet - like apparently Jasmine is supposed to have her own laptop or iPad! This is at a regular government school, they say they need to keep up with technology.

In the afternoon we walked up to the library, so that was my exercise done.

I had some store loyalty points to spend and I ordered a stick blender and an egg cooker, and they arrived the other day. I tried the egg cooker this morning. I made two "soft boiled" (actually they were steamed) eggs and they came out perfectly. I usually struggle to get the timing right so it was really good to have a machine to do it for me. I wasn't sure what to do with them without toast, so I just ate them by themselves, with some vegetables on the side. And a cup of tea.

Aren't they pretty!

Any suggestions on what to have with eggs when I can't have toast? I don't like smoked salmon or avocado which seem to be in a lot of breakfast recipes. The same machine will do "poached" eggs, you crack them into a little tray which sits above the water like the "boiling" method, so they are actually steamed too. Or would you call that coddled eggs? I'll try that another morning, it would be nice not to burn my fingers peeling hot eggs. Of course you can also hard boil.

Lunch was some rotisserie chicken and salad. You may have noticed I say salad when I actually mean a couple of raw vegetables cut up and served apart, not mixed up in a "salad". Same difference.

In the afternoon I had an orange and a cup of tea (maybe I'm getting used to no sugar, a bit?), then dinner was a lamb chop, zucchini, broccoli in cheese sauce, and a bit of tomato for colour. About 60 calories over today. But cheesy broccoli is so delicious! Dairy is good for me, right?

I feel like that was another good day. Very happy with the dietbet win. Tomorrow might be a bit more of a challenge, I'm probably having lunch with my sister-in-law near her work as I'm going shopping there for birthday presents for Jasmine. I'll have to make very careful choices. I can't believe Jasmine will be 12 in a few days, and in High School tomorrow!

Party prep

Thursday:

Spent much of the day getting ready for the housewarming tomorrow. Shopping, cleaning, baking. It's funny to think that at Christmas only a month ago I thought 20 was so many people... now it seems like an easy casual get together compared to the big party we had planned. It's all relative.

Only four days left in my Dietbet, or three really as I weigh in the morning. I don't know if I'll make my goal for it, depends if I let tomorrow get out of hand! I still have nearly a kilogram to lose which is a big ask. But the dietbet was just for a bit of extra motivation and support, it is not my end goal. I will be continuing on regardless of the result.

Excuse me, I need to go and make the filling for my lemon tart.

Exercise is tiring

Monday:

I weighed in to my Dietbet this morning, 84.5 kg (186 pounds). I need to lose 3.4 kg in four weeks, bringing me down to just over 81. I would love to be under 80.

Last time I measured my waist, a year or two or three ago, it was 101 cm. Today it was 106 cm. This confirms my belief that although I am not getting heavier, I am changing shape. My stomach is getting much bigger, and sagging down like it never has before. Well, not for much longer!

Becoming healthy in all aspects of my life didn't begin auspiciously. I tried to use my CPAP last night but it was awful. I'd always thought it was rather quiet, although Tim disagreed, but last night it sounded like an industrial air conditioner. Maybe because it was beside my ear instead of further away as I was used to. Whether from that or just the weirdness and restriction of having something strapped to my face, I couldn't get to sleep. This thing is supposed to help me get a good night's sleep - not keep me awake! I tossed and turned. After a couple of hours I drifted off - into a nightmare. Woke soon after all sweaty and yuck even though it was a cool night. Gave up on the CPAP and turned it off. Which makes the screen light up as it goes into its 5 minute cool-down mode. It's like being in a disco, the whole room was glowing. In Canberra I used to switch it off at the wall to bypass the bright screen, but here I can't reach the wall switch without moving the whole bedside table. I put a box of tissues over the top of the screen which helped. All in all it gives me no motivation to go back to using it. Maybe if I lose weight quickly I won't need it anyway?

And in the morning as I was making myself a cup of tea I dropped the lid of the sugar bowl and it smashed on the floor. I really liked that bowl.

And I can't find the dongle for my Fitbit which means I can't sync it with my computer to get all the stats stored, I can just see todays stats on the device itself. Also I can't work out how to see the nutritional information of the food I put in the tracker, only the calories. And it's rubbing my wrist already. I'm just not going well with devices at the moment! So I've gone back to tracking on my old app and not using the Fitbit.

Oh well, after the rocky start things got better. I made myself a vegetable omelette for breakfast which was both healthy and filling, and lasted me through the whole morning.

 (This is the only food I remembered to photograph.)

Did the shopping, a trolley full of fresh fruit and vegetables and meat. Had lunch of a leftover lamb chop and a salad, and added a bit of cheese when I was still unsatisfied. Afternoon snack was a nectarine and a few almonds. Dinner was bolognaise with zoodles (zucchini noodles) instead of spaghetti. I was looking forward to that all afternoon, I certainly haven't stopped thinking about food all the time!

Aiden gave me a new dancing game for Christmas and I tried it this afternoon. It was exhausting! I wanted to quit after one song but I pushed on and did one more and one more until I got to half an hour. It was kind of embarrassing how little I was able to do, how unfit I am. Hard exercise tends to make me feel depressed afterward, I wanted to give up on the whole thing. But I had a shower and made dinner and got through it, and feel ok now.

I did really well on food and water and exercise so I guess I can work on the sleep and mental health aspects later.

Ready

Sunday:

Today has flown by so fast! Every time I looked up, another few hours had gone by. I had a lazy day at home. Aiden tried out his new bike. He had completely outgrown his old one, this one fits him just right.

I had allowed myself today to eat a few treats left over from Christmas but really didn't have much. A bit of chocolate in the afternoon and dessert (Toblerone cheesecake, worth the calories!) after dinner. I felt no urge to binge on anything. I was tired, but not in a bad way. A natural consequence of a busy few days.

I spent some time preparing for my return to healthy living tomorrow. I'm feeling quietly confident. I've made a shopping list for tomorrow, packed with healthy food. My Fitbit is charged - it tends to rub on my wrist but I'm going to try alternating arms. My CPAP is washed and ready on my bedside table. I was given a new Dance game for the Xbox for Christmas, I'll try that out tomorrow. I've joined a 4-week DietBet that starts tomorrow so I'll weigh-in in the morning; I'll need to lose about 3.5 kg. I'm as ready as I can be!

I'll be following something similar to a Mediterranean diet, what I consider a sensible diet; low in processed food and high in fresh fruit and vegetables, moderate protein and fat, fairly low carb (at least low in processed carbs). I will be counting calories and tracking with the Fitbit app that syncs with my Charge HR. And drinking lots of water. I'm ready!

Continuing improvements

Sunday:

Another improved night, another quiet day. I am nearly feeling like myself again. Nothing else to report, except that I am putting my fitbit back on tonight and tracking my food from tomorrow. Time to get back into the game.

Speaking of games, my six-month dietbet just finished. I was disqualified a month ago for not keeping up with weight loss (they don't want people to diet dangerously to drop a lot of weight in the final month), so obviously I didn't win this one. I think I won the first month? Then put it back on and more. I looked at the activity board occasionally, not many people left posting in the final month. I don't plan to do another dietbet. Definitely not another six month one - it is too discouraging if you get behind. And I think I need to find my motivation from within.

Even yesterday I couldn't face the thought of "dieting" - ie eating healthily and cutting down on junk. But today I can. I know I tend to trip on every single hurdle; whether it's ill-health (mainly caused by or contributed to by my obesity) or some other emotional or stressful issue. I am an emotional eater and medicate myself with food. I need to work more on making it a habit, and also keeping temptation a bit further away.

[Edit: that is hilarious. I had literally just posted that when my husband walked in after picking the kids up from a birthday party - and he was loaded down with leftovers that the hostess had given him! I ate my little slice of cake (which I had hinted I would love him to bring), the rest will be going to the next D&D session.]

Thursday

Thursday:

My husband fixed my computer last night by swapping my screen with an old one. Turns out that was the problem, it works fine now. This screen is so tiny! It's not really, it just feels that way compared to my huge one. It's great to have a working computer again after several days of it blinking off all the time. I won't buy a new big screen until we know what is happening with the possible move.

It's only three weeks until my 45th birthday. We haven't made any plans at all. We don't even know where we'll be! I rarely remember it's my birthday coming up with all the other stuff filling my head. I haven't even asked for anything, we are usually pretty big on presents in this family. I don't want bulky items I might not be able to take with me. Hmm, jewellery? That's very portable...

The 4 week dietbet I was doing with my husband finished today. I haven't even been trying, and my weight is more or less the same, as expected. But Tim has been working hard. He already cycled to and from work, and he added some jogging at lunch time and sit-ups etc in the evenings. He stopped snacking in the evening and ate very little junk of any kind - just a couple of desserts while we were away. He lost 2 kg instead of the 3 kg he needed for the bet and is very disappointed. I guess the problem was he didn't have a lot to lose so it comes off more slowly.

I haven't enjoyed Tim being on a diet. I guess part of that might be guilt because I wasn't trying along with him as originally planned. But it's also that it turns out I liked his attitude to food before. He's sometimes (often) said that I think too much about food and dieting and that I should just exercise more. He ate whatever I prepared and didn't snack much, but didn't stress about eating if he was having supper with friends or if he wanted to make pancakes for the kids or something like that. It was all just a part of normal life, food wasn't the enemy. He exercised, by riding his bike to work, for at least 90 mins five days a week and took other opportunities to move as well. And although I always felt he didn't understand how hard it was for me, as an overweight person with food issues, to just do as he did, I did approve of his general attitude.

I didn't like it when that attitude changed to "can't, I'm on a diet." It was kind of disturbing. It seemed all wrong. I'm glad that the diet is over and he can go back to his healthy relationship with food. He is only a very little bit overweight, so maybe he could be mindful of eating a few less biscuits on the weekend or something. He does have high blood pressure, controlled by medication, but I believe that is almost entirely from stress. He could healthily lose a few kilograms over a longer period of time, but not at the cost of obsessing over it!

I'm sick of being on a diet. Thinking about food all the time, mainly in terms of what not to eat. Obsessing about it all, yet never losing any weight. And I can now see more clearly how that looks to those around me. I have a daughter soon to reach her teen years, and I don't want her to inherit all the issues I learned from my mother. Yet for me, not being on a diet is synonymous with eating as much junk food as I want - which is a lot. I have yet to find the happy medium of just eating "normally".

One of my very wrong-headed ideas goes like this: There is a day/event coming up soon when I am going to eat something that isn't healthy. Therefore I can't start eating healthy yet, I have to wait until after that event. Isn't that illogical! I should just start now, and have a treat when the time comes. For some reason it's really hard for me to get my head around that. But I need to, because there is always some kind of event approaching!

I made myself go out for another walk today, even though I really didn't want to. 20 mins. My body seems to be in winter hibernation mode and doesn't want to move - especially out in the cold!

I tried to have a nap this afternoon but was woken after 10 mins by a parcel delivery. I'm looking for a solution to my very poor sleep at the moment, and I have noticed that my CPAP straps seem a bit loose and I have to keep moving them back into place. The straps are elastic but not adjustable. I have looked online and found some people complaining about them, one said they stretch out within 3 months and I have had mine over a year. I can buy them online from the US for $25 plus $33.80 delivery to Australia so I'm investigating whether I can buy just the straps locally. I can buy the whole headset replacement here for about $270 so I don't want to do that until I need to, I already had replacement nasal pillows and filters so I don't really need the whole thing yet.

Report card:
Diet: Ok.
Exercise: Ok.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Poor.
Mental health: Ok.

Wait, weight and weights

Saturday:

We are settling in to wait for news about the possible year on Norfolk Island. Surely they must notify people soon if they want a 1st July start! Unless there is already someone doing the job and they plan to keep them another year but had to do all the job selection process to make it "fair" and official... Government work can be like that.

After much thought and discussion, Tim has also applied for a suitable job that came up in Sydney. On balance, we decided that we would still rather move than stay. It wasn't an easy choice at all, there are many pros and cons to each side. But jobs at Tim's level are few and far between at the moment so it seemed right to at least apply.

I weighed in for my 4th month of my six month dietbet this morning.  83.2 kg. Basically the same as I have been for years.

I felt like I spent the afternoon carrying weights: all the furniture and boxes up the driveway to the skip! A lot of it was quite heavy. We filled the 3x3m skip and still have more old furniture left over. We also have to clear out the stuff we want to keep so we can get the new floor put in, and the ceiling repaired. More work tomorrow! My calves are a bit sore, it was a good workout.

This is the floor we want to get rid of. Note the 1970s colours and the loose carpet tiles revealing glue that has turned to dust.

This is the room before we started clearing stuff out. I don't feel this picture really does justice to how full it was, and doesn't show the right side of the room. It's a big room, I think it was the original single garage.

If we go to Norfolk, we will use it to store all our furniture while we rent out the house. If we stay here, we will get an extra room we can actually use instead of just for junk. And if we move to Sydney, well it will look a lot nicer when we try to sell!

Last night for the first time I pulled my CPAP off while I was asleep. I was kind of dreaming and became aware I was holding my face mask down by my side, trying to stop the noise of the air whooshing out (it's much noisier when you don't have it on). I woke enough to turn it off before going back to sleep. Then had a very restless night, according to my fitbit. I've never pulled the mask off while I was asleep before, I've heard other people can do that quite often. I hope it doesn't become a habit.

Getting on with life

Friday:

I had my pity party yesterday and I'm ok now. I've booked in physiotherapy for Monday and I'll see how that goes, with the possibility of looking into surgery later.

I never had a particular incident that caused the tear, that I am aware of, just gradually increasing pain over a period of several months. That coincided with my push to go to the gym regularly and starting BodyPump. My best guess, given my history with the other shoulder, is that I have a predisposition to problems in that area and might be best to stay away from excessive exercise of that joint. Tendon tears are very common, but I am young for getting an gradual tear like this. The recent recurrence of it really bothering me (although it never stopped troubling me) seems to coincide with me doing that Fantasia game that is all arms. Until/unless I find out different, I am going to be super careful and the only exercise my shoulders get will be physiotherapist-sanctioned. I copied the below info more for myself, please feel free to skip it if you are sick of hearing about my shoulder.

The Rotator Cuff is a group of muscles and tendons around the shoulder. These muscles are important for the shoulder to function normally. They help balance the ball of the upper arm on the shoulder blade socket. A tear in one or more of these tendons can unbalance the shoulder and cause pain and weakness. It is common for these tendons to tear as people get older. Greater than 50% of people over 70 years of age have a full thickness tear at autopsy.The rotator cuff tears do not spontaneously heal. Despite the lack of healing there is greater than a 90% chance that a patient will have no pain and a return of most shoulder strength after 6-12 months.

a. Tendon firmly attached to bone	b. Full thickness tear of tendon from bone

The non-operative treatment of a painful rotator cuff tear includes activity modification, pain management and physiotherapy.

• Activities should be modified to decrease the demands and stress on the effected shoulder during the painful phase
• Pain management includes simple analgesics, anti-inflammatories and steroid injections
• Physiotherapy helps restore shoulder range of motion and strength

Surgery is generally reserved for those who despite 6-12 months of non-operative therapy have ongoing pain and disability that is interfering with their quality of life. If a patient is considering surgery an MRI scan is organised to better define the abnormalities and ensure surgery is worthwhile.

Following rotator cuff repair, the risk of infection and nerve injury is less than 1%. The risk of stiffness is around 10% but normally resolves spontaneously by 10 months after surgery. Stiffness is more common in diabetic patients. The healing rate is not 100% following surgery, and surgery is most successful for smaller tears, in younger patients and in non-smokers.

The rehabilitation for rotator cuff repairs is longer than most patients would prefer. Tendon to bone healing takes 3 months. As a result, most patients spend 6 weeks in a sling during which driving a vehicle is not allowed. Surgeons will vary in their approach to resumption of active movement, strengthening and return to work or recreation. Patients will continue to improve for up to 2 years following surgery.
(from www.shouldersurgery.com.au)

On a lighter note, a funny thing happened yesterday. I had just got in my car and was pulling out of a car park. A couple of car spaces away from where mine had been was ... my car. I stared at it. Same model and colour, but that is not so unusual. But same number plate?? In a sudden panic, I checked my surroundings. Was I in the right car? Had my key somehow worked in someone else's car and here I was driving it away? No, this was definitely my car with my junk in it. But there was my car out there. After several confused seconds I realised that the number plate was not exactly mine. Mine finishes with 67. This car's number plate finished with 76. Otherwise identical letters and numbers. Maybe the odds of that happening aren't so long, maybe there is a whole series of gold Mazda 323 with number plates counting up from 60 to 80 or something. And it's not a big city, I was going to park next to one of them eventually. But it was kind of exciting at the time to be in a weird car-warp.

I weighed-out yesterday for month three of my six-month dietbet. I didn't make the cumulative 8%, of course, or even my goal of 4%, but I had lost some weight and at the time I felt ok with that. After getting my shoulder results I wasn't really ok with anything! Today I'm back on an even keel and ready to analyse my 16 day experiment with carb cycling.

I did eat some things off-plan but I mostly stuck to it. I wasn't perfect but then I never am so that needs to be taken into account.

If I'd only weighed at the beginning and the end the small amount of weight lost might seem ok for two weeks. But I weigh every day so I know that what really happened was that I lost that weight in the first three days and then have stayed the same for most of the two weeks. On one hand, you could say I just lost water weight and the diet did nothing. On the other hand, I'd been hovering around the higher weight for weeks and now I'm consistently (for two weeks) bobbing around the lower weight and that is better than nothing.

I am considering starting a 4 week dietbet, hosted by the people who wrote the carb cycling book I'm using, starting on Monday. Being so far behind in my long-term dietbet is a bit discouraging and I think having a short term goal would be better for me to focus on. If I decide to stay with carb cycling this would be a good one to do. I love the dietbet activity board, everyone is so supportive and it is a great social network to be part of. I log on there at least twice a day so I still like being part of that community. I haven't made any decisions yet.

I went out for a walk at lunchtime, after to treating myself to a nice lunch next to the small lake near us. It was quite pleasantly warm as long as I stayed in the sun. I was annoyed at my fitbit though. I had charged it in the morning but didn't realise it didn't connect properly. So it ran out of power and didn't record my steps.

And here is a duck.

I saw my friend Annabelle with her kids in the park so had a brief chat. It was very nice to get out of the house.

Yesterday after school I took my children to the dentist, a new place we hadn't been before, for a clean and check-up. It was nice there, I was happy with it. But afterwards they gave both children a "bravery award" which was sponsored by McDonalds and had a voucher attached. This seemed an odd choice for a health practitioner! And junk food aside, I think suggesting that kids need to be brave to go to the dentist is sending the wrong message. It reinforces the idea that dentists are scary. I try not to show my own fear and hang-ups about dentists in front of them. I want them to be calm about it, sure it can be noisy and stuff they put on your teeth can taste yucky, but nothing to be scared of. Nothing you need a bravery award to get through!

End of month two

Monday:

It was my dietbet weigh-out for this month this morning. I wasn't even close to making it, in fact I put back on weight I lost in the first month. I'm feeling back on track right now, but I need to make sure I don't make the same mistakes I obviously made. So what were they?

The main problem was that we had things going on for five weekends in a row, the whole period of this second month of dietbet. Some were happy and involved celebratory food; niece's birthday, husband's birthday, sister-in-law's birthday, Easter. Some were sad and took focus away from my personal battles; clearing out mum's house, my aunt's sudden death. We travelled to Sydney three times, involving fast food on the road and restaurants or eating at other people's houses when there. We had a house full of guests one whole weekend, which meant I included desserts and unhealthy snacks to be a good host. I'm not saying my weekdays were perfect either, but the weekends were the big downfall.

This particular busy pattern is not going to happen that often, but parties and travelling and visitors are still fairly regular events in my life so I need to deal with them without relying on junk food. One step would be to go back to having a picnic on the way to Sydney so at least we only have fast food one way instead of both (sometimes we can time it to avoid meals on the road, but often not). Another is to just choose healthier options, wherever I am. If there is no choice, just eat a bit less. And when I have visitors, I need to offer some more healthy options. I do cook proper meals, but then I add high-calorie dessert, and supper and between meals. I'm not doing anyone any favours. I do feel like I need to offer all these extra foods, they get gobbled down and if I don't put anything out I get asked for something, so I need to work harder at what I serve. I'm not the boss of what other people eat, but I could offer options, including things I can safely eat.

It is so much easier to stay on track when I don't have all these distractions from my regular routine. I'm hoping this month will be easier.

I was brave and foolhardy this morning and tried oats with vegemite to make them savoury instead of sweet. Disgusting. And I love vegemite! I had looked it up online and found one reference to someone trying it but they didn't comment on how it tasted. Well, yuck. I went back to the old way.

I had a very restless night. Not sure why, except I was a little sore from all the exercise. I woke after about three hours and 45 minutes with the CPAP and cursed Fogdog. Fogdog, does your wife know I regularly think about you at night in bed? I really wanted to take the stupid CPAP off but I couldn't because it hadn't been four hours, Fogdog's suggested minimum time. I kept the annoying mask on and managed to get back to sleep. Total six and a half hours with the CPAP, but restless both with and without it.

Food was good today. I made cauliflower soup for lunch and chicken fajitas with lots of salad for dinner. Only a little (25 grams) chocolate in the afternoon. I tracked everything, total 1366 calories and I burned off more than that.

I did an hour of Fantasia after breakfast so I got my exercise in early. In the afternoon I had some reading to do - I have to finish and critique this book by Wednesday night. So I spent a lot of time sitting reading, but broke it up by getting up three times and doing a little Dance Central to get the blood flowing. Total of about 40 minutes dance. I'm actually a little disappointed that I'm under 2 hours exercise for the day but I'm not going to do any more as I'm a bit worried about my knee. I got up during the night, half asleep, and over-straightened it somehow as I put my weight on it. It didn't hurt too much, but today I've done the same thing seven or eight times and it hurts a bit more each time. I'm hoping a good night's rest will fix it.

Report card:
Diet: Good.
Exercise: Great.
Water: Great.
Sleep: Good. I didn't actually sleep well but I used the CPAP.
Mental health: Mostly good.

Better and better!

Weigh-out

OMG!

I made my dietbet. This involved eating almost no carbs yesterday, 1200 calories, drinking all my water. Close this morning, but not there yet. No breakfast, just a cup of tea (tea is a diuretic). Waited until, ahem, nature took its course; took off fitbit and hair clip and extraneous clothing and got husband to hold the phone. And I made the weight! Under by 0.1 kg. Even getting on and off a few times so it wasn't a false reading. I weigh 80.4 kg. So skinny.

Very happy about this. Now I need to not put it all back on, I have another 3% to lose this month. Today is a free day with food, will talk about that tonight. Going to be a tough day emotionally, so it's great I have this positive start.

Hungry

Thursday:

Oh, the ups and downs.

I had a much better sleep last night. I was able to keep the CPAP on for longer, didn't need to use the bathroom until 6am, slept much more soundly. So that was great.

Unfortunately the reason I had to take the CPAP off was a bad sore throat (air blowing in makes it worse). Still sore all day today. And I was all crampy and achy from the time of the month. Basically felt ill and yucky despite the good sleep.

Then I was dreading getting on the scale. I have to lose significant weight every single day until Saturday to win this first month of dietbet. Is that so important, I hear you ask? Well, yes. Not the $12.50 that is the stake for this month, but the fact of achieving or failing. I won my first dietbet, then lost my second one when my mum died and I stopped prioritising losing weight which I think was a perfectly reasonable decision. But I no longer have that excuse. This month I slacked off my efforts in the middle weeks and then I'm hampered by water retention in this final week. The hormonal fluctuations will happen every month and I need to take that into account! I can't expect to lose all the weight in a couple of days at the end of each round. I need to be consistent all month.

And this morning my weight was up a bit. Up, not down. Too much salt yesterday? (Vegemite is 120% salt, approximately.) Too many calories? Sudden increase in exercise confusing my body? I don't know. But the goal is further away, almost impossible, and that is really depressing. I don't want to fail. I really don't want to fail two in a row.

I wanted to crawl back in bed and stay there. And order pizza and eat it in bed. But I decided that wouldn't help.

So I went to the gym. The parking meter wouldn't accept my pass, it recognised me and my face came up on the screen (which was a bit off-putting, actually) but I was denied access. I could have taken the easy way out, taken it as a message that I wasn't meant to go to the gym today. But no, I trudged in there and got it sorted. Got a parking slip, put in in the car. Back into the gym. Got onto an elliptical and hiked through Arizona. I committed to 30 mins and ended up doing 36, to finish the section. No sprinting, just slogging on through. I guess I should be proud of at least doing something. I've got to 6000 steps, not stellar.

When I got home I was ravenous. Before even taking a shower, I ate my lunch. A small serve of leftover pork casserole and a big salad of raw undressed vegetables. An apple. I felt I needed some fat so a piece of cheese. And a cup of tea. Finally satisfied. 447 calories which is ok, it was all good healthy food, but a huge volume. I'm not sure where I fitted it all.

My big news of the day is that we paid off our mortgage! Some of the money from my mum's estate came through, enough for us to pay it out. We'd previously made payments with money from both our grandparents, so we were ahead. I still have to fill in some official paperwork, but the money is paid and the house belongs to us. It's kind of amazing to think we have no debt now. None. I've probably been continuously in debt since I bought my first car twenty years ago.

Yet money can't buy everything. It couldn't stop mum dying from breast cancer. It can't make me thin and healthy (I suppose a lot of surgery and personal training would help, but I'd still have to go through the process and a lot of work). It can't make me a critically acclaimed writer (not without a lot more money than I have!).

Still, it is nice to have for the things it can do.

Late afternoon I got hungry again. And ate a nectarine and two cups of vegetable broth. And some sultanas and dried apricots. And cheese. And more cheese. And chocolate.

Is this the time of the month or the exercise or what? I can't seem to control my hunger. I haven't even worked out how many calories that was yet.

I had most of my dinner. Still a bit full from my binge. Which worries me that I will be hungry later. I am trying to fill up on healthy foods, but they are just not doing the job.

Report Card:
Diet: Poor. I assume I'm way over with calories. Have probably killed whatever tiny chance I had of winning this round of dietbet.
Exercise: Good. I'm trying to be proud of myself for an honest attempt.
Water: Ok. Poor. Still a couple of glasses to go.
Sleep: Better. Good.
Mental health: Up and down all day. Mostly down. My throat is still sore and I'm worried I'm getting sick. Sad about failing dietbet. And each round is cumulative so I still have to lose this month's goal as well as next month's!

It has been a difficult day.

Starting well

Wednesday:

First day back into it went really well. I spent an hour or so in the morning dealing with paperwork for mum's estate, then went for a 15 minute walk and did 15 minutes of Fantasia (vigorous music conducting). Edited my novel, made healthy lunch, did some reading/judging. I had my planned afternoon tea but was still really hungry so made a great choice and had a little tin of tuna in springwater - low calorie filling protein. Took Jasmine to her dance class and spent part of the waiting time going for a walk with Aiden before we settled down with our electronic devices. Healthy dinner.

My report card:
Water: Excellent. I would like to finish my drinking a bit earlier in the day though so I don't have to get up so often at night.
Sleep: Ok. I feel fine, but I still haven't been using my CPAP. When I try, I lie awake for an hour then give up. I really am feeling fine though, not too tired.
Exercise: Good. I never feel like I've achieved enough when I start slowly, but at least I haven't injured myself again!
Food: Great. Within my calorie limits and lots of plants.
Mental Health: Feeling very positive. Even though it is that time of the month and I have horrible abdominal cramps. Not affecting my brain this time.

I'm thinking about buying a wearable health tracker thing, either a Jawbone Up3 or a FitBit Charge HR. They look like a watch band give heart rate and daily steps and even track how well you are sleeping. Anyone got either?

Back on the diet

Sunday:

Back in the healthy eating mindset. Trying, anyway. Certainly not perfect.

I weighed in at 82.7 kg. I started the dietbet, a little under two weeks ago, at 83.2 so I guess overall I am half a kg down. Actually a gain since I last weighed myself before I went away, but its to be expected with all the stress and eating out. I completely forgive myself for the lack of progress but it's time to get back into it.

I ate too many carbs today - lots of bread - and a little bit of chocolate.

I think exercise is going to be even harder. I just have no motivation. Spending over a week in various hotel beds with stupid pillows (why do you always get a choice between 'sinks so flat in 3 seconds that you might as well not have one' and 'so high and hard that you dangle from it with no shoulder support') really stuffed up my damaged shoulders and I'm still recovering from that. And my ankle is still stiff every morning, and hurts when I do any more than walk - going down stairs is awkward. I probably need to do some strengthening exercises, but do I wait until it is better first? I feel a bit tired and old and uninspired. But committed to making progress.

I added some photos to last week's posts, but here is one of me on Diamond Beach on the first day we were there, when it was rather cloudy but perfect for a walk.

Dietbet 2

Tuesday:

I had regained some of the weight I lost last dietbet, but not all. I am starting at 83.2 kg, and need to lose 3.3 kg to get down to 79.9 kg. That is a great final goal, I really want to get under 80.

I ate more than I should have today, in fact my stomach is a bit uncomfortable because I finished dinner with a slice of cheesecake my husband made. Definitely more food than I needed. But on the up side, I did do some exercise today (Fantasia game) and I did my second day of meditation.

I downloaded a guided meditation app called Headspace. You get 10 ten-minute sessions free then you have to subscribe. I've liked it so far and felt quite relaxed after each session. The narrator has a good, calming voice. Reducing stress and getting some decent sleep are very high on my priority list at the moment.

Home again

Monday:

I had originally planned to stay in Sydney several more days to spend more time with mum, but I just could not spend any more time in that horrible house. In future visits I will have to make other arrangements - stay with family living further away, or at a hotel.

I spent Sunday with mum at the hospital. It was like at Christmas, when she was reasonably alert on the first day but barely knew I was there by the fourth. On Sunday she slept nearly all day, only speaking to me a couple of times in the afternoon. She looked much older and sicker. I guess she has good days and bad days, or maybe she makes a big effort to stay awake when she hasn't seen me for a few days, but can't keep it up.

After that fall a few days ago they kept the safety rails up on her bed. But on Saturday night she rolled over and somehow got herself wedged between the bed and the rails. Her leg was quite badly bruised. So now they have her bed lowered right down to the floor, no safety rails, and a mattress each side of the bed in case she rolls off. They have also changed from giving her medication every few hours to a constant drip. Morphine, I don't know what else. The changes are not encouraging.

When I came back from having lunch (stinking hot humid day, I tried to sit in the shade in a park but fled back to air con pretty quickly) she woke up and asked me if I was leaving, which I found a bit confusing. But I think the morphine messes with her sense of time. My Aunty Bev, mum's sister, came in the afternoon. She finds it really hard to see her big sister like that. We had a good chat though. One funny thing, as the self will intrude, was that I was sitting in the huge chair they have for patients if they are well enough to sit up. It was a very deep chair so my short legs were sticking straight out. I felt like a plump six year old. I kind of always feel that way with my aunt anyway.

There are pictures for sale on display in the halls of the hospital, and some of them are quite lovely. I've been thinking of buying one of the several that we all liked, they are only about $200-$250 each.
Sorry if showing you breaches any copyright laws:

I guess if I did buy it, every time I looked at it I would think of mum. Don't know if that is good or bad. Nice, but sad.

Since I couldn't face another night at the house of horrors, when I left the hospital I drove to my brother-in-law's house an hour away, where Tim and the kids were staying. They'd decided to have a family BBQ so the house was full of people, or it seemed like it anyway. Loud and friendly. It was a nice, distracting change; but also quite overwhelming to someone in my emotional state. I joined a board game and had dinner but then retreated to have a quiet lie down, and never really got up again. I was completely exhausted after two nights with very little sleep plus all the emotional stress. I dragged myself up to say goodnight and have a very quick shower, then was in bed at 8:30, before my children!

This morning we drove home. So nice to be home. But also guilty that I am not with my mum. I am trying not to stress about that too much. I'll visit her when I can but worrying doesn't help anyone.

I had thought about putting off dieting until things settled down a bit. But when will that be? There is never a perfect time. So I am starting a new dietbet tomorrow. Maybe that will help keep me anchored. And I'm going to work on the relaxation too - I've downloaded a meditation app that I read about. I'll give it a go.

The past few days

Sunday:

I ended up winning $42.02 on dietbet - that is my $25 stake back plus $17.02 profit. Of course the money isn't the real prize (if it was it wouldn't be worth four weeks hard work!) but it is a nice motivator. I haven't weighed myself since then. I plan to do another dietbet after Christmas.

The kids' last day of school for the year was Wednesday, Tim worked until Friday but is now on holidays too. On Thursday I babysat a friend's children as she was working, they were here all day. Luckily they are very good friends with my children and they had a great time. When they were younger such a long day could sometimes be a bit too much, but it was fine.

Friday was cake day. I decided to buy the kids a treat when we were out shopping, Aiden chose potato chips but Jasmine and I decided we would get a some cake from a really good bakery nearby. It doesn't sell by the slice but it does have quarters - big enough for three generous slices. But when we got there the cake we wanted wasn't available by the quarter, only whole or half. After some dithering I bought a half. Six slices for two people (neither my son nor my husband like chocolate cake, even with chocolate and strawberry cream). We had a slice for morning tea. And afternoon tea. And dessert after dinner. Urg. It was really really good cake, with real ingredients not processed junk. But this is why I haven't dared weigh myself! I'm not proud of cake day.

We didn't host Christmas last year and won't this year, but I love cooking and I wanted to try a turducken (duck inside chicken inside turkey - in this case using just the breast of each) so tonight we are having a "Christmas in December" as I'm calling it (yes that is a joke). We'll have a little/big Christmas style dinner just for us. We watched the Carols last night from Sydney and the kids have been doing some Christmas crafts and decorating.

Mum is getting worse. She no longer wants to talk on the phone. I have talked to my brother but it's harder to get all the information I want from him. I think her doctor has changed her medication again and has moved up some other appointments. I'll see her in a few days and may stay after Christmas. I'm not sure what I can do for her. I feel like she should be in hospital, since she can still hardly eat. She seems to be going downhill fast. I lie awake worrying. I can at least prepare some food for her, she asked specifically for soup, and take that.

We are going over to a friend's house for brunch. I really haven't felt like socializing this year but I guess I can't just sit at home and worry, that doesn't help anyone.

I won dietbet!

Wednesday:

I won my first dietbet! My weigh loss had stalled, still 600 grams to go, even though I was eating clean and counting calories. So for two days I cut right down on carbs, which also meant a natural reduction in calories, and concentrated on drinking lots of water. Without carbs I had little energy to exercise, but I did some walking and languid dancing. This morning I got up early, too much suspense to sleep, and got on the scale. And my weight had finally dropped to the required level! 80.7 kgs. A total loss of 3.5 kgs (7.7 pounds) over the four weeks of the dietbet.

Submitted and verified, I'm a winner. I won't know how much money I've won until everyone has weighed in, because the pot is shared between the winners. I will use it to buy myself another charm for my reward bracelet - it's been a long time since I've earned a new charm!

Then I had an early breakfast. Carbs! Oh beautiful carbs. Yummy toast.

A combination of success and carbs have made me a happy girl this morning.

My plan now is to relax my diet a bit until after Christmas (I said relax, not binge). And I'll definitely do another dietbet next year. I loved the supportive chat on the forums and the whole competition thing. I loved having a finishing line to aim for, not "this is my life now". They have 6 month challenges, but that is too long for me. One month is good.

Difficult days

Tuesday:

It's been a hard couple of days. Mum isn't any better. The new medication is helping her appetite go up from zero to low, which is good, and is also slowing down the fluid production (she thinks). But she is feeling worse and worse. Today I called several times and she didn't pick up the phone beside her bed. I finally got through to my brother when he got home and he said she's not up to answering the phone, and even talking is an effort. So that is scary. Does she need to be in hospital? Who makes that decision? I feel very helpless so far away.

Much less important, but still a burden, is that in a last-ditch attempt to win this dietbet I've cut out carbs (except fruit and non-starchy vegetables). 64 grams of carbs today, 68 yesterday. I'd been very good all week anyway with sticking to my calorie limit and avoiding junk, but my weight loss has stalled and for the past five days I've had the same 600 grams to lose, so I cut the carbs which usually does work for me. (But maybe I've already lost all the water weight I was holding on to, it doesn't seem to have helped this time so far.) I don't do well without carbs and two days without them has left me tired and weak and struggling to cope a bit. Or maybe that's just natural worry. Either way, it's been hard. My weigh out is tomorrow morning, or the next if I want. So I am looking forward to a whole additional day of low carb. Not.

Of course I could question if it is worth it. This current diet is not sustainable for me, I am only doing it to lose weight temporarily for this weigh out. Why do it to myself? I guess I just want to win this dietbet. And every day I eat healthily is another day I'm not stuffing myself with junk. Even if I binge a bit after it's over. Aside from these past couple of days, I've been eating a healthy sustainable diet. The dietbet has really helped me to stay on track. I've found it very motivational, and the chat on the website is great. Everyone is very supportive.

But right now I just want it over with.