Wednesday:
Today was not a great day.
This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.
Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.
We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.
I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.
Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.
When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.
What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.
Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).
Showing posts with label funeral. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funeral. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Friday, June 5, 2015
Eulogy for dad
Eulogy for Lyle (with photos taken after the funeral)
I have a letter from dad, written back in 2003, that says: "Often I look around my trees and the sunset and say to myself 'how could I ever leave?'"
Old Toolamba was dad's home, always. As an adult he lived in other places as his work demanded but he always came back here for a month every summer, and as soon as he could he retired here permanently. He loved everything about it; the river, the trees, his family, his childhood memories. I don't think he was ever really happy anywhere else.
Dad was always the fun parent. When I was very little dad would mow mazes in the back lawn so my brothers and I could run around in them. When we were a bit older and my parents were divorced, dad would take us out every second weekend to do fun things. Horse-riding was generally my choice, trail-bike riding was Darren's. Dad wouldn't ride but he would take long walks around the area while we tried not to fall off whatever we were riding.
Later dad bought us the Odyssey, a dune buggy; and then the Swordfish, a jet-ski bike. He was the one to organise all the paddock cricket where his tree farm is now, or treasure hunts down Cemetery Bend, following the clues. His idea of fun always seemed to include family. Dinner at a Chinese restaurant or an evening playing cards were all he asked for socially.
He taught me to play cards early. 500 was the favourite, but we also played Hearts and ABC Poker. I spent many an evening playing cards with dad and Uncle Glenn and Aunty Helen. He also tried to teach me to play chess but I didn't enjoy that as much, even when he gave me a Queen head start. He would beat me every time no matter how many of his pieces he took off the board at the start. I could hold my own with 500.
Of course during the long hot summers he would take us to the sand-beds on the river. Growing up, that is what I thought a beach was. Mainly we went around to the Big Sand-bed, or sometimes just swam off the log down the back here. Dad taught me to swim here. He was always involved in any activity and organised inner-tube flotillas down the river, having as much fun as anyone and more than most.
(the coffin, at Old Toolamba cemetery)
I have a letter from dad, written back in 2003, that says: "Often I look around my trees and the sunset and say to myself 'how could I ever leave?'"
(dad's little house)
Old Toolamba was dad's home, always. As an adult he lived in other places as his work demanded but he always came back here for a month every summer, and as soon as he could he retired here permanently. He loved everything about it; the river, the trees, his family, his childhood memories. I don't think he was ever really happy anywhere else.
(the Goulburn river in dad's backyard)
Dad was always the fun parent. When I was very little dad would mow mazes in the back lawn so my brothers and I could run around in them. When we were a bit older and my parents were divorced, dad would take us out every second weekend to do fun things. Horse-riding was generally my choice, trail-bike riding was Darren's. Dad wouldn't ride but he would take long walks around the area while we tried not to fall off whatever we were riding.
Later dad bought us the Odyssey, a dune buggy; and then the Swordfish, a jet-ski bike. He was the one to organise all the paddock cricket where his tree farm is now, or treasure hunts down Cemetery Bend, following the clues. His idea of fun always seemed to include family. Dinner at a Chinese restaurant or an evening playing cards were all he asked for socially.
(my children playing paddock cricket with newly-discovered second-cousins)
He taught me to play cards early. 500 was the favourite, but we also played Hearts and ABC Poker. I spent many an evening playing cards with dad and Uncle Glenn and Aunty Helen. He also tried to teach me to play chess but I didn't enjoy that as much, even when he gave me a Queen head start. He would beat me every time no matter how many of his pieces he took off the board at the start. I could hold my own with 500.
Of course during the long hot summers he would take us to the sand-beds on the river. Growing up, that is what I thought a beach was. Mainly we went around to the Big Sand-bed, or sometimes just swam off the log down the back here. Dad taught me to swim here. He was always involved in any activity and organised inner-tube flotillas down the river, having as much fun as anyone and more than most.
He didn't
take well to technology. When he moved back to Old Toolamba, he didn't have a
phone of any kind for a long time. Only when his health demanded it did he buy
a mobile phone so that he wouldn't be completely isolated. He had a TV for
watching sport, but never owned a computer. If he wanted any information, like
the starting time of the Stawell Gift, he would ring me in Canberra and ask me
to look it up for him. He also asked me to join him up for a computer dating
site on my computer, but I explained that it wouldn't be so practical for him
to review the women and check all his hits with me and my computer so far away.
He ended up sticking to advertising in local papers, and had no trouble getting
plenty of dates.
Dad always
bought his cars new. He said it didn't matter that a new car lost value as soon
as you drove it away from the showroom, because he didn't intend to resell. He
would drive it carefully and it would last at least ten years, even with the
long trips between Toolamba and Sydney. He taught me to drive like I and my
passengers were VIPs, very important people who you would never take risks
about, and leave 2 seconds between me and the car in front.
I have two
memories related to cars and dad. Dad taught me to drive, and I learned by
sitting on his lap when I was too little to reach the pedals and steering as we
drove around the streets of Beecroft. They wouldn't allow that nowadays! Then
when I was a teenager I had full control of the car driving around the paddocks
at Toolamba but dad forgot to tell me I needed to use the clutch when stopping.
I had changing gears down fine but every stop was a serious of bunny hops until
I worked it out for myself!
The other
memory is that every time we arrived at Toolamba, dad would cut the engine at
around the turn-off to the town and try to roll the rest of the way without
power. He won the game if he could glide up into Nana's front yard and stop
without having to use accelerator or brake. I think he managed it occasionally.
To nieces
and nephews, he was "Uncle Carbuncle". To my children, he was "Grandad
Stories". He made up weird and wonderful tales like "The Naughtiest
Child Competition", starring a girl called Jasmine (but not this Jasmine!)
and a boy called Aiden (but not this
Aiden!). Or sometimes it was a boy called Jasmine and a girl called Aiden.
He visited
every school holidays except winter. I had to ban him from the house in winter,
or rather I said he was welcome to come but he wasn't allowed to open the
windows. His mania for fresh air when it was below zero outside was too much
for me. But every other holidays he would visit for a few days and we would go
to Canberra's flower festival Floriade or on a boat tour of the lake or to a
lookout on top of one of the mountains. Always outdoors as much as possible,
seeing nature.
As far as I
am aware dad never went overseas to explore the world, and despite having been
in the air force he never seemed to fly anywhere. He was perfectly happy
driving from place to place within Australia, staying in cheap motels and
enjoying the beauties of his own country.
Back at
home, I encouraged him to have a proper garden and once gave him a lemon tree, which
quickly died. But he preferred planting and nurturing his forest of gum trees.
Each one is named after a family member, everyone has their own tree. We would
go on trips down Cemetery Bend to find new seedlings of as many varieties of
eucalypt as possible. He would always choose seedlings that wouldn't survive if
left where they were, like in a dry billabong that would fill up in the rainy
season. 
(the paddock beside dad's house, with his gum trees)
He designed
and built this house himself, with some professional help, surrounded by all
his trees and next to his beloved river. Old Toolamba is where he will stay.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Funeral
Wednesday:
Today was dad's funeral. It went really well and the only thing I would change was that it was really cold. But at least it was sunny. Dad lived in the country on a big block covered in the gum trees he planted. We had the ceremony outside surrounded by his beloved trees. I took some photos later on, I'll post them tomorrow when I get home. I got through my eulogy ok, and only cried afterwards when we were walking behind the coffin to the hearse and my cousin was playing guitar and singing. We drove the kilometre or so to the local cemetery and - is interred the right word? - him while kookaburras (native bird) chuckled in trees nearby. Then back to the house for a light lunch and lots of conversation with relatives I rarely see.
As a child I spent a month every summer on my grandparent's farm there, and I had a million cousins all around. Ok, maybe about fifteen. A lot, anyway. Some grown up enough to have their own children around my age. After my grandparents died and we grew up most of my generation moved a bit further away, into town or even to a city. We only visited the farm occasionally, usually dad came to us. It was lovely to see these kids I spent so much of my childhood with, no longer kids! I didn't recognise them all, or them me. More people came over to me after my eulogy, because I'd been introduced for that and now they knew who I was! My kids played paddock cricket with the next generation, which was lovely to see. It was something my dad always had the kids doing when I was young.
We've been invited over to a cousin's house for dinner tonight with a few other close family, the people I spent the most time with as a child, so I look forward to that.
It was weird to see everyone grown up! I still have them as teenagers in my mental image.
So, despite the sad nature of the occasion, I had a pretty good day. We shared lots of memories of dad. He won't be forgotten in a hurry. I found with mum as well that a funeral is really important in saying goodbye.
Today was dad's funeral. It went really well and the only thing I would change was that it was really cold. But at least it was sunny. Dad lived in the country on a big block covered in the gum trees he planted. We had the ceremony outside surrounded by his beloved trees. I took some photos later on, I'll post them tomorrow when I get home. I got through my eulogy ok, and only cried afterwards when we were walking behind the coffin to the hearse and my cousin was playing guitar and singing. We drove the kilometre or so to the local cemetery and - is interred the right word? - him while kookaburras (native bird) chuckled in trees nearby. Then back to the house for a light lunch and lots of conversation with relatives I rarely see.
As a child I spent a month every summer on my grandparent's farm there, and I had a million cousins all around. Ok, maybe about fifteen. A lot, anyway. Some grown up enough to have their own children around my age. After my grandparents died and we grew up most of my generation moved a bit further away, into town or even to a city. We only visited the farm occasionally, usually dad came to us. It was lovely to see these kids I spent so much of my childhood with, no longer kids! I didn't recognise them all, or them me. More people came over to me after my eulogy, because I'd been introduced for that and now they knew who I was! My kids played paddock cricket with the next generation, which was lovely to see. It was something my dad always had the kids doing when I was young.
We've been invited over to a cousin's house for dinner tonight with a few other close family, the people I spent the most time with as a child, so I look forward to that.
It was weird to see everyone grown up! I still have them as teenagers in my mental image.
So, despite the sad nature of the occasion, I had a pretty good day. We shared lots of memories of dad. He won't be forgotten in a hurry. I found with mum as well that a funeral is really important in saying goodbye.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Day with my family
Sunday:
We all went to a playground this morning. It is a big all-access one, with facilities for disabled kids, only opened a few months ago. I hadn't been before.
Jasmine and her little cousin Emma:
The playground is near the lake, we could hear the Carillon (bell tower) recital when we were walking back to our cars.
It looks sunny enough (it clouded over in the afternoon), but it was really windy down by the lake. Ping and I had planned to go for a walk while the husbands minded the children but it was too cold! We all huddled up at the playground where it was fairly sheltered so a bit warmer.
My brother-and-sister-in-law decided I shouldn't have to cook while I'm sad, so they took us out to lunch. And we shared some desserts from the chocolate shop next door to the restaurant.Then they left mid-afternoon to head back to Sydney. It was lovely to see them. My niece is really starting to talk a bit now, and seems to have passed the worst tantrum stage.
Tim put in his job application for Norfolk Island tonight. If they want someone to start on 1st July, hopefully the selection process will be quicker than the usual months for government jobs. Tim is qualified, but we have no idea how many people would apply for something so remote.
Another call from dad's girlfriend Wendy tonight, who wanted to know when Darren would be arriving for the funeral as he is staying at dad's house. I have no idea. The two biggest stresses in my life at the moment are those two people. Darren is basically uncontactable, and Wendy is the opposite. I asked my aunty Pat to organise dad's funeral and talked to her about what dad wanted but Wendy seems to have completely taken over and is doing the opposite - like burial instead of cremation and his ashes scattered. Which will also be a lot more expensive. It's too late now to change (I assume) and I'm not up to any kind of confrontation at the moment, and also I feel like I handed over my say in the matter when I asked someone else to do the work. But it's a bit annoying. I just continue to be polite and compliant and don't speak up about anything. And toss and turn in the early hours of the morning.
We all went to a playground this morning. It is a big all-access one, with facilities for disabled kids, only opened a few months ago. I hadn't been before.
Jasmine and her little cousin Emma:
Aiden digging in the sand:
The playground is near the lake, we could hear the Carillon (bell tower) recital when we were walking back to our cars.
It looks sunny enough (it clouded over in the afternoon), but it was really windy down by the lake. Ping and I had planned to go for a walk while the husbands minded the children but it was too cold! We all huddled up at the playground where it was fairly sheltered so a bit warmer.
My brother-and-sister-in-law decided I shouldn't have to cook while I'm sad, so they took us out to lunch. And we shared some desserts from the chocolate shop next door to the restaurant.Then they left mid-afternoon to head back to Sydney. It was lovely to see them. My niece is really starting to talk a bit now, and seems to have passed the worst tantrum stage.
Tim put in his job application for Norfolk Island tonight. If they want someone to start on 1st July, hopefully the selection process will be quicker than the usual months for government jobs. Tim is qualified, but we have no idea how many people would apply for something so remote.
Another call from dad's girlfriend Wendy tonight, who wanted to know when Darren would be arriving for the funeral as he is staying at dad's house. I have no idea. The two biggest stresses in my life at the moment are those two people. Darren is basically uncontactable, and Wendy is the opposite. I asked my aunty Pat to organise dad's funeral and talked to her about what dad wanted but Wendy seems to have completely taken over and is doing the opposite - like burial instead of cremation and his ashes scattered. Which will also be a lot more expensive. It's too late now to change (I assume) and I'm not up to any kind of confrontation at the moment, and also I feel like I handed over my say in the matter when I asked someone else to do the work. But it's a bit annoying. I just continue to be polite and compliant and don't speak up about anything. And toss and turn in the early hours of the morning.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Another funeral
Saturday:
We travelled to Sydney yesterday for my aunt's funeral. It was sad but went ok. Such a shock that she died. She was always so fit and healthy, yet she was outlived by her husband who smoked much of his life, is a heavy drinker, and who had a stroke a couple of years ago. And outlived by her own father, who is about to turn 97 and still lives in his own home.
My brother didn't turn up and I don't know if he even knows she has died. He is not easy to get in contact with. Emails, phone calls, text messages, phone messages, all unanswered. I don't know whether to start worrying about him now, but this isn't unusual for him. We could have gone over there, but it wasn't close or on our way, and I just wanted to get home.
I'm down with this nasty head cold; sore throat and headache and constantly running nose. I feel guilty about letting people hug me at the funeral, I hope I didn't pass it on too much. Glands in my neck are sore and swollen but I am ok from the collarbone down so I think that means cold not flu.
I don't see any exercise in my immediate future but I will be careful with my food. Sleep and fluids. Oranges and soup. I can't wear my CPAP wih my nose running like this, but I can spend lots of time resting. I can still enjoy reading and watching TV, grateful I'm alive and home and surrounded by those I love.
We travelled to Sydney yesterday for my aunt's funeral. It was sad but went ok. Such a shock that she died. She was always so fit and healthy, yet she was outlived by her husband who smoked much of his life, is a heavy drinker, and who had a stroke a couple of years ago. And outlived by her own father, who is about to turn 97 and still lives in his own home.
My brother didn't turn up and I don't know if he even knows she has died. He is not easy to get in contact with. Emails, phone calls, text messages, phone messages, all unanswered. I don't know whether to start worrying about him now, but this isn't unusual for him. We could have gone over there, but it wasn't close or on our way, and I just wanted to get home.
I'm down with this nasty head cold; sore throat and headache and constantly running nose. I feel guilty about letting people hug me at the funeral, I hope I didn't pass it on too much. Glands in my neck are sore and swollen but I am ok from the collarbone down so I think that means cold not flu.
I don't see any exercise in my immediate future but I will be careful with my food. Sleep and fluids. Oranges and soup. I can't wear my CPAP wih my nose running like this, but I can spend lots of time resting. I can still enjoy reading and watching TV, grateful I'm alive and home and surrounded by those I love.
Friday, January 16, 2015
The funeral
Saturday:
My mum's funeral was yesterday. It went smoothly and I think it really did help me emotionally to say goodbye. Funerals are important for the living.
I was really sad all the previous day. I had been enjoying the holiday and feeling ok most of the time, but on Thursday I woke up sad and stayed very down. I didn't feel like I was where I needed to be. My body was still in Forster but my heart and thoughts were nearly 300 kilometres away. We went canoeing in the morning and swimming in the afternoon and the kids had a lovely last day so that was nice. I don't regret going away to the coast, even though it made organising things difficult. I think it was better than sitting at home.
We left plenty of time, we thought, to drive back on Friday. I thought we'd have time to go to the hotel first for a quick shower and change after the four hour drive. But there were little delays that added up - too long at lunch, getting back on the highway after lunch which was a bit confusing, heavy traffic in Sydney, GPS sending us to the right address in the wrong suburb... We had to be content with a very quick clothing change in the disabled toilet cubicle at a McDonalds (no time to worry about hair or make-up, I didn't care too much as I knew I would look a mess as soon as I started crying) and arriving at the crematorium a couple of minutes late and rather flustered. And then found that my brother hadn't arrived yet either. I was really worried about that, and we couldn't wait too long because there was another funeral after ours, but luckily he arrived soon after.
My uncle talked about mum's childhood a little bit, only breaking down a little at the end, but then my brother spoke about her final year and he was a complete emotional mess. Very hard to listen to. The celebrant gave me a look a couple of times, I think she was suggesting I go and rescue him, but he needed to get it out and he battled on to say what he wanted to say. I delivered the main eulogy about mum's life and my stage experience helped in that I was able to read my speech with only a bit of trembling. There was a slideshow of photos of mum with some moving music - I had to chose the music for the day and I spent a lot of time on it, I was really happy with it in the end. Is happy the word? Content. Satisfied.
We had a wake at my uncle's house afterward and I heard some great stories from the women from mum's work - it sounded like she treated them all like her daughters. Then a family dinner, stayed at a hotel, and drove home today. I am glad it is all over. It does feel like turning a page, or letting go. I had a year's warning before she died, and I spent quite a lot of time with her in those last couple of weeks. She didn't want to linger any more than that. Time to say goodbye.
My mum's funeral was yesterday. It went smoothly and I think it really did help me emotionally to say goodbye. Funerals are important for the living.
I was really sad all the previous day. I had been enjoying the holiday and feeling ok most of the time, but on Thursday I woke up sad and stayed very down. I didn't feel like I was where I needed to be. My body was still in Forster but my heart and thoughts were nearly 300 kilometres away. We went canoeing in the morning and swimming in the afternoon and the kids had a lovely last day so that was nice. I don't regret going away to the coast, even though it made organising things difficult. I think it was better than sitting at home.
We left plenty of time, we thought, to drive back on Friday. I thought we'd have time to go to the hotel first for a quick shower and change after the four hour drive. But there were little delays that added up - too long at lunch, getting back on the highway after lunch which was a bit confusing, heavy traffic in Sydney, GPS sending us to the right address in the wrong suburb... We had to be content with a very quick clothing change in the disabled toilet cubicle at a McDonalds (no time to worry about hair or make-up, I didn't care too much as I knew I would look a mess as soon as I started crying) and arriving at the crematorium a couple of minutes late and rather flustered. And then found that my brother hadn't arrived yet either. I was really worried about that, and we couldn't wait too long because there was another funeral after ours, but luckily he arrived soon after.
My uncle talked about mum's childhood a little bit, only breaking down a little at the end, but then my brother spoke about her final year and he was a complete emotional mess. Very hard to listen to. The celebrant gave me a look a couple of times, I think she was suggesting I go and rescue him, but he needed to get it out and he battled on to say what he wanted to say. I delivered the main eulogy about mum's life and my stage experience helped in that I was able to read my speech with only a bit of trembling. There was a slideshow of photos of mum with some moving music - I had to chose the music for the day and I spent a lot of time on it, I was really happy with it in the end. Is happy the word? Content. Satisfied.
We had a wake at my uncle's house afterward and I heard some great stories from the women from mum's work - it sounded like she treated them all like her daughters. Then a family dinner, stayed at a hotel, and drove home today. I am glad it is all over. It does feel like turning a page, or letting go. I had a year's warning before she died, and I spent quite a lot of time with her in those last couple of weeks. She didn't want to linger any more than that. Time to say goodbye.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Getting things finalised
Wednesday:
Today was the point I really needed to have everything finalised for the funeral. I got up early and searched the Internet for quotes, finished writing the eulogy, made calls, and got it all done while Tim and the kids played tennis (in the loosest sense of that phrase, considering the kids don't know how to play). It took about four hours. There were a few more calls throughout the day but I'm pretty sure it is all done now. The order of service booklet, the screenshot of photos, who was speaking and in what order.... A lot more to organise than I ever anticipated. I am glad it is all done.
When I was finished we went to the pool but I just lay in the shade and had a nap.
Lunch at a cafe - bacon and pancakes for me but I didn't eat much of the pancakes, they had maple syrup but not butter which is not how I like them. Also half a milkshake.
I had another nap after lunch then off to the beach. It's quite isolated here at the resort and Diamond Beach is always nearly deserted. The surf is a bit rough for young children and the beach isn't patrolled so we only splash around and play in the sand. With lots of sunscreen, hats and shirts! Then back to the pool for last swim of the day.
Mexican again for dinner and I didn't do so well. I didn't eat anywhere near everything on my plate but I was still uncomfortably stuffed. And half a dessert which I definitely didn't need. And a cocktail. At least we went for a two kilometre walk after dinner, over the long bridge and back as the summer sky got dark.
Aiden was asleep in the car on the way back to the resort after a big day.
Today was the point I really needed to have everything finalised for the funeral. I got up early and searched the Internet for quotes, finished writing the eulogy, made calls, and got it all done while Tim and the kids played tennis (in the loosest sense of that phrase, considering the kids don't know how to play). It took about four hours. There were a few more calls throughout the day but I'm pretty sure it is all done now. The order of service booklet, the screenshot of photos, who was speaking and in what order.... A lot more to organise than I ever anticipated. I am glad it is all done.
When I was finished we went to the pool but I just lay in the shade and had a nap.
Lunch at a cafe - bacon and pancakes for me but I didn't eat much of the pancakes, they had maple syrup but not butter which is not how I like them. Also half a milkshake.
I had another nap after lunch then off to the beach. It's quite isolated here at the resort and Diamond Beach is always nearly deserted. The surf is a bit rough for young children and the beach isn't patrolled so we only splash around and play in the sand. With lots of sunscreen, hats and shirts! Then back to the pool for last swim of the day.
Mexican again for dinner and I didn't do so well. I didn't eat anywhere near everything on my plate but I was still uncomfortably stuffed. And half a dessert which I definitely didn't need. And a cocktail. At least we went for a two kilometre walk after dinner, over the long bridge and back as the summer sky got dark.
Aiden was asleep in the car on the way back to the resort after a big day.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Keeping busy
Thursday:
It seems I cope with grief and loss by keeping myself very busy so I don't have to think too much. Almost as soon as I heard I went and started researching funeral homes and memorial options. Since then I've made what feels like a million phone calls to family and mum's friends, making sure everyone knows about her death and the funeral arrangements. and responding to sympathy calls and texts. I've had a preliminary phone interview with the funeral home and I'm going to Sydney to sit down with them (and my brother) on Saturday. Apparently it's a two hour meeting. Then chat to the celebrant after that, and the people making the "order of service" booklets. Who knew it was so complex?
I've been through just about every photo I own, both digital and printed, to find only a handful of photos of my mother for the service. I guess, like me, she didn't like having her photo taken. Nearly all the ones I have are with her holding one of my babies. I need to choose music for the service, and write a eulogy. And find clothes for them to dress her in (even though it will be a closed casket). And take charge of all her financial paperwork. And get the Will to the executor. And ask my uncle to host the gathering after the funeral.
There are people who would help me with this stuff (Jasmine helped me go through all the photos) but I am appreciating being busy at the moment.
Months ago we booked a holiday on the beach, fully pre-paid and non refundable. It is coming up fast, so I am also planning that. It feels very odd to go for a holiday at this time, but I am not going to deprive the kids of their fun. And I suppose I can sit around and feel sad just as well there as here. It will be nice to get away, gaze at the endless ocean. I'll have the time for quiet reflection that I'm not giving myself now.
I guess I started dietbet at a bad time. I certainly haven't been restraining my eating the last couple of days - but actually that has more to do with it being that time of the month when I crave fat and salt. Mum's death just means I let myself off the hook. And then this holiday coming up. I have thought about dropping out of this dietbet (you can, in the first 7 days, and get your money back). I'll give myself another couple of days to decide, but when I was looking through all those photos I saw how good I looked ten years ago (when I thought I was fat! Ha!) compared to how I look now and it made me not want to put that quest aside.
The other thing that is going on is that I am judging collections of short stories for an award and I was a bit lazy and then mum got sick, and now I have about four weeks to read 20 more books. Not huge "Lord of the Rings" type books, more like 200 pages each. I have let the award conveners know my problems but I am still committed to getting it done. So when I'm not on the phone about mum, I'm reading reading reading! I don't need to spend any time being sad when I am so busy.
It seems I cope with grief and loss by keeping myself very busy so I don't have to think too much. Almost as soon as I heard I went and started researching funeral homes and memorial options. Since then I've made what feels like a million phone calls to family and mum's friends, making sure everyone knows about her death and the funeral arrangements. and responding to sympathy calls and texts. I've had a preliminary phone interview with the funeral home and I'm going to Sydney to sit down with them (and my brother) on Saturday. Apparently it's a two hour meeting. Then chat to the celebrant after that, and the people making the "order of service" booklets. Who knew it was so complex?
I've been through just about every photo I own, both digital and printed, to find only a handful of photos of my mother for the service. I guess, like me, she didn't like having her photo taken. Nearly all the ones I have are with her holding one of my babies. I need to choose music for the service, and write a eulogy. And find clothes for them to dress her in (even though it will be a closed casket). And take charge of all her financial paperwork. And get the Will to the executor. And ask my uncle to host the gathering after the funeral.
There are people who would help me with this stuff (Jasmine helped me go through all the photos) but I am appreciating being busy at the moment.
Months ago we booked a holiday on the beach, fully pre-paid and non refundable. It is coming up fast, so I am also planning that. It feels very odd to go for a holiday at this time, but I am not going to deprive the kids of their fun. And I suppose I can sit around and feel sad just as well there as here. It will be nice to get away, gaze at the endless ocean. I'll have the time for quiet reflection that I'm not giving myself now.
I guess I started dietbet at a bad time. I certainly haven't been restraining my eating the last couple of days - but actually that has more to do with it being that time of the month when I crave fat and salt. Mum's death just means I let myself off the hook. And then this holiday coming up. I have thought about dropping out of this dietbet (you can, in the first 7 days, and get your money back). I'll give myself another couple of days to decide, but when I was looking through all those photos I saw how good I looked ten years ago (when I thought I was fat! Ha!) compared to how I look now and it made me not want to put that quest aside.
The other thing that is going on is that I am judging collections of short stories for an award and I was a bit lazy and then mum got sick, and now I have about four weeks to read 20 more books. Not huge "Lord of the Rings" type books, more like 200 pages each. I have let the award conveners know my problems but I am still committed to getting it done. So when I'm not on the phone about mum, I'm reading reading reading! I don't need to spend any time being sad when I am so busy.
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