Hello 2021

 Monday,

I’m wondering if it’s time to retire this blog, it’s been 10 years and I rarely post now. But I suppose there’s no harm in it being here if I want it.

Australia continues to be relatively lightly touched by COVID, any time there are a few cases all the state borders close. Masks have finally just been made compulsory in Sydney. I am still out of work, still hoping I can go back to my dream job otherwise I’ll have to start applying elsewhere. Some places are hiring again. At Christmas we were allowed ten guests plus children, which worked out exactly for us.

We just went ‘away’ for a week, less than two hours up the coast for a beach holiday. It was mostly warm but not swimming weather with a fair bit of cloud and rain - probably lucky for us as on our last day it was finally beach weather and we all got sunburned (except Tim who spends more time outdoors so has more protective tan). It doesn’t matter how careful we are with 50+ sunscreen, hats, Tshirts etc; two hours in the sun is too much. The other days we went for walks, ate, and played board games.

We’d been trying for about 18 months to get our dismal front yard landscaped, finally found someone who actually followed up their visit with a quote and the work is now nearly done. Retaining walls, new plants and turf, and most importantly steps up to the front door instead of just the steep slippery driveway. Oh, and a decent mailbox!

I went to a specialist about my foot pain and numbness, they now think nerve damage, possibly from years of pre-diabetes but a third of cases are of unknown cause. The specialist told me to lose ten kilograms (the amount I’ve gained during COVID semi-isolation) before I see her next in three months. That depressed me so much I went and ate junk. Two of the three months have passed and I now weigh more than I did then. I am on and off the CSIRO diet which is mainly large portions of vegetables with moderate amounts of everything else. Obviously not sticking to it at all.

This morning, just back from our holiday, I was 86.8kg which I believe is my highest no -pregnant weight ever. Not great.

South Coast

Sunday:

We decided to go to the South Coast on a little holiday after all, the weather was cool and rainy so we didn't feel in danger from the bushfires which are everywhere - but actually they are closer to our home (8 kilometres away) than where we went in Kiama. We hesitated a lot about going - it seemed frivolous somehow - but decided that as long as we weren't being a nuisance to firefighters then our holiday dollars would be helping a town that relies a lot on tourist trade. And we would leave at the first sign of danger.

We walked around the town a lot, the coast and the lighthouse next to the famous blowhole (not blowing much while we were there). A lot of the eateries were closed because it was Monday/Tuesday, or because of the bushfires. It was incredibly humid despite being mostly cool, so it was kind of unpleasant to be moving around. On the third morning the air quality was so bad from bushfire smoke that we couldn't go outside at all - so we decided to drive home. Oh well, we had a couple of nice meals and got a lot more exercise than I am used to.

I haven't heard anything from work yet about this year. I'm hoping I get enough casual work that I don't have to look elsewhere. I don't really feel motivated to do more study yet.

No-junk January

New Year’s Day:

Happy 2020 everyone. 2020? Seriously? I can remember when 2000 was still years away - from the other direction!

I had a mostly nice Christmas, we hosted dinner as usual plus BBQ and leftovers on Boxing Day. Unfortunately I was not at peak health, just a cold but that was enough to make cleaning and cooking for 18 even more exhausting than usual. I stayed home the day after, when everyone else went to Star Wars, and that helped my recovery. I’m fine now. We hosted a NYE party last night (I say party... we played board games. Wild!) Sadly, I didn’t get to see Poppa and my side of the family a few days before Christmas, I was at my sickest then and didn’t want to infect a 101-year-old. I’ll have to organise another trip over there.

I ate in a very unrestrained way over the past month or so, and haven’t exercised for months, and my weight reflects that. 76kg on the first day of 2020. So I’m making this ‘no junk January’ (chocolate isn’t junk!). I turn 50 this year! I know keeping control of my weight is going to be an ongoing job, but a very important one. I still have another 50 years to live in this body!

The bushfires continue all over my state, the sky is orangy-brown more often than blue. Several people have died and many homes destroyed. I’m lucky to have had only the relatively minor inconveniences of staying inside on the worst air pollution days, being unable to put washing outside, and being unsure if we’ll be able to get to our beach holiday as the roads have been closed a couple of times and it might be safer to just stay home.

Both children will be learning Spanish at school next year, so Jasmine and I have started practicing on DuoLingo. And I’ve started playing World of Warcraft again. Aside from that, some intensive resting.

Competition

Friday:

We just got back from a week in Queensland, where Jasmine participated in a National Gymnastics competition. Her part, Acrobatic Gymnastics, was held over four days with all the different levels and age groups. It was a real challenge for her trio, they had been competing at level 3A (and came 4th in the state) but the National competition started at level 4 so they had less than a month to learn some more difficult skills and change their routines. They’ve been working really hard. Unfortunately in their first routine they fell out of the tower skill after less than a second (you have to hold it for 3 seconds) and lost a lot of points. Abbey, the little ‘top’ of the trio was very upset. But they came back strong in their second routine and I was very proud of them.

I don't have the professional photos yet, this is a blurry still from the video I took.

 And a couple of shots of our club's highest level athletes.

The big excitement was that Jasmine’s club, Acrogym, came first overall! We are the Australian National champions!

We didn’t get much time off from watching and supporting the team, but we did manage a little time at the beach, and one morning at SeaWorld. And we had a lovely view from our hotel.

I only gained 0.5 kg which I was very happy about considering we ate out every meal, plus some snacks. We did do a lot of walking. But also a lot of sitting!

I had a funny time at the doctor's last week. I'd only seen her once before, a month before when she gave me a script for Duromine (phentermine). At that appointment she didn't weigh me, I told her I'd weighed 77kg that morning and she accepted that figure.

At this second appointment I told her that I had lost 3kg in the first two weeks, nothing in the second two weeks. She put me on her scale, which she couldn't get to work for a while - probably flat batteries. When I finally stepped on, it showed 68.7 kg, a huge loss. I tried a couple of times to insist it couldn’t be right, I hadn’t lost that much, I had weighed myself at home on my usual scale. But she didn’t seem to listen and just kept praising the loss and I gave up, I’m not very assertive. But it means she has that on my record now and the next weigh-in is going to be very disappointing!

Diamond Beach

We just got home from a week at Diamond Beach, about four hours north of Sydney and 15 mins drive from the coastal town of Forster.

We stayed in a cabin a couple of hundred metres from the beach. We didn't have much of a view due to a rise in the ground and some windswept bushes, but we could hear the waves pounding constantly. The weather was perfect, high 20s every day. We were careful to stay out of the sun in the middle of the day and used lots of sunscreen, but Jasmine still got a bit burned on a couple of days.

We strolled up and down the beach and did a couple of costal walks in the morning or evening - still very hot! This was a very steep climb up a hill then up a tower to get this view back towards Forster. My legs were fit enough for it, but it was very humid and I found it hard to get enough oxygen. Mosquitos in abundance. While Jas and I walked back down at a leisurely pace, Tim and Aiden sprinted down then back up and down again! So we all ended up equally hot and sweaty (except Jas).

We saw lots of crabs on the beach (and a huge dead stinky turtle) and pelicans and dolphins in the estuary (here you see a dolphin fin behind a pelican). Forster lies between the ocean and a series of lakes.

The pool was nice, though not as nice as ours. We've been there a couple of times before and it was always great for little kids as it's pretty shallow. Jasmine is doing a handstand.

Tim brought the kite I gave him for Christmas. The first try on the beach was hilarious, it would instantly nosedive. I had a go and got very wet running through a wave trying to get it flying. Not enough wind I think. A couple of days later it flew well on the bit of ground between our cabin and the beach.

A big feature of the holiday was eating out for every lunch and dinner. For dinner we always went somewhere elegant in Forster, and usually for lunch as well or else a nice pub closer by. The food was nearly all tasty, but I missed my own cooking by the end. All laden with fat, salt, sugar and carbs. I'd feel bloated and sleepy after meals and my weight is up a couple of kgs.

I enjoy holidays but I love being home again, especially my own bed!

Port Macquarie

Monday:

I think I'll save this morning's weigh-in until the end...

We spent last week at Port Macquarie on holiday. We hadn't been there before, but had to find something at short notice as we weren't sure which week Tim could take off work and our usual places were booked out. Actually we haven't been away longer than a weekend since moving to Sydney nearly three years ago! Installing the pool took all our money and attention. Port Macquarie is four and a half hours away (plus stops for lunch etc), north of Sydney, just far enough that it doesn't book out as quickly as the closer tourist spots. Population of about 45,000. It was lovely! We were so lucky with the weather too, 23C nearly every day - in the middle of winter! - clear and sunny.

Sorry a lot of the photos are so glary, the sun was so bright! The beaches were really interesting, lovely golden sand with outcroppings of sculptural rocks.

On the first day we went for a long walk, two and a half hours (there and back) along the beaches and through little sections of bushland. We could see the spouting and splashing of whales not too far out. We got as far as the rainforest café but I was too tired to face the rainforest walk, we had lunch and walked back. I was exhausted!

The kids and Tim collected 'staves of power' - walking sticks that they retained for the whole holiday. I think there was the Staff of Awesomeness, the Staff of Light and Dark, and the Staff of Art. I had a 'poking stick' on the first day but preferred to walk unencumbered.

The kids had a dip in the hotel's heated pool in the afternoon - very brave of them as 'heated' barely took the chill off. There were plenty of other children in with them. The adults wisely all sat in deck chairs and stayed warm.

There were several restaurants within walk of the hotel or else we drove five minutes into town. The food was really good everywhere, hardly a disappointing meal. I had dessert most nights but usually shared with Jasmine. We bought some supplies and had breakfast in our rooms most days. Also plenty of snacks - like the Haagen-Dazs ice cream!

On the second day we drove back to the rainforest area and walked around the 1.3 km raised boardwalk, it wasn't very inspiring. Just scrubby Australian bushland in winter. We weren't far enough north for the pretty stuff. We went into town for lunch and walked along the shoreline, there was a long series of rocks painted by locals and/or tourists - often recording visits to the area. One had dates every year back to 1993.

Later the kids played on the beach opposite our hotel, sandcastles and gymnastics and paddling freezing feet in the ocean. I perched on one of the rocks and enjoyed the fresh sea air.

The third day started cloudy so we went to mini golf - the clouds cleared pretty quickly and I wished I'd taken my hat! Another bright sunny day.

I had slept really well the first night but then had two bad nights so had an awful headache. Tim thought it might be withdrawal (from Duromine/phentermine) but that didn't seem likely to me since it had been more than a week since I'd taken any. Wouldn't withdrawal happen sooner? I slept fine after that so it was only one bad/grumpy day. 

More beach play in the afternoon, and into town for dinner where we found this wall. My angel daughter:

Saturday was the only colder day, max of about 17C. In the chilly morning we had a good walk along the shore in town, and went to the two (very small) local art galleries. Many buildings had these weird graffitied koala statues in front of them - the rainforest walk had several. I checked the website and there are 62 in all, every one painted differently by a local artist as a sculpture project to celebrate the iconic Australian animal.

We thought about going horse riding, or to a movie, but ended up deciding to go whale watching in a boat. In terms of seeing whales up close, it was amazing. We zoomed out to where two 10-metre long humpback whales were dawdling along, they head north this time of year to warmer waters to have their babies before heading back to the chilly south for better feeding. One did some lovely water dancing for us.

Well, actually all the splashing was not for our benefit. The guide explained that all the breaching and tail slapping is by the females to summon the males. And it worked! In about 20 minutes we had six or seven arrive, with dolphins who apparently like to ride the bow waves in front of the whale's snouts (noses?), jostling for position. They were all around and under the boat. 

Unfortunately by that point Jasmine and I were in no position to enjoy or even watch what was going on. The sea wasn't particularly rough but it was a small boat (12 passengers) which rolled and yawed a lot as we putted along keeping alongside the whales, so by then Jasmine and I were both miserable with seasickness and making use of the bags provided. Urg. At least I had been ok for the first bit, I think poor Jasmine was slightly queasy right from the start and it just got worse and worse. She never got out of her seat. The last half hour was horrible for us both. 

Also it was freezing cold out on the open water, even in the heavy waterproof ponchos provided, and I was terrified when we were going fast to and from the whale area (I am not good with speed or heights/depths) especially when the driver put in a few extra zips and curves for fun. So overall I was very glad to get back to land! I felt ok as soon as my legs stopped trembling. At least Tim and Aiden had a great time. And we certainly saw some whales!

On our final morning we had breakfast at a café right on our beach.

Then we went back to a little tea shop where I'd fallen in love with this cute set the day before - you can't tell in the photo but it is impractically tiny - the teapot probably holds one normal cup full and the six cups each hold a mouthful! But fun for sipping the choc-mint tea we bought there. I just had to have it. There is a teeny goldfish in the bottom of each cup, revealed as you drink. I plan to bring it out as a joke, next time I serve visitors cups of tea. Or they might be a good size for nuts, blueberries or other small foods.

Finally the long drive home. It was a great holiday, but I do love home! And my own bed.

Tim is back at work today, the kids return to school tomorrow.

So this morning I weighed 73.2 kg - up 1.7 kg from last week. No surprise there! I did a lot of eating over the past week. Lots of walking, too, but not enough to offset the calories. I'm back on Duromine today, hopefully the break of over a week will help trigger a reset so it works for me again.

I received my TAFE transcript in the mail, it's not my actual Diploma but it says I've passed everything (which I knew of course) so at least I have proof I can show potential employers. Still hoping to hear from that 'perfect job' this week and get an interview.

Continuing library tour

Friday:

My TAFE holidays are longer than the school holidays, I've had two weeks already. But this is the last day of the kids' term. Halfway through the school year! Tim doesn't have time off so I'll need to think of things to do with the kids. I haven't been so successful at that lately. Getting Aiden away from the iPad takes a bit of muscle power!

It's my birthday in two days. I'll be, um, 47. That isn't near 50 at all, shut up.

Yesterday I continued my local library tour. One small branch library and the big central one which I had visited before but only briefly. Compared to all the little ones, which seem to have 2 or 3 staff at any given time, Sutherland had at least 10-12 staff that I could see and probably more in the private offices. It would be good to work there, probably a bigger variety of things to do and maybe even some 'technician' tasks which I am working towards with my degree, but there is also something appealing about working in a snug little branch library. I probably won't get a choice anyway so I'm trying not to get too invested in any particular place. If I get the job. If I even get an interview. It's been so long since I had written a job application I have now rather lost faith in my submission. But I tell myself it's no big deal if I don't get it, I'm still studying and there will be other opportunities later.

While I was in Sutherland library wandering around the HSC section (resources for the last couple of years of High School) I noticed study notes for the book 'Cloudstreet' by Tim Winton. This was voted the post popular Australian book of the past 20 years or something like that so I'd previously tried to read it and disliked it intensely so gave up. Not my kind of book at all. Sad, desperate people struggling through the 1940s. Alcohol and gambling addiction, financial problems, family fights. Just depressing. Anyway, I saw the study notes so I sat down and read the twenty-page or so detailed summary of the plot and a few of the other discussions. Nothing that made me regret not reading it! But I'm glad I know the whole plot now since it's such an 'important' book. Do you have a book like that, that other people love and you can't get into? I feel the same about Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. I read mostly fantasy but I do read other things too. Just not miserable depressing things.

I have all my results back from term one, all 'satisfactory'. That is all they tell you. Hopefully when I go back I'll get to at least see my exam papers. I hate just having satisfactory/not satisfactory!

End of term

Wednesday:

Today was my last day of term before two weeks holiday, I didn't make it in even though it was one of my favourite classes (website design) because I wasn't feeling well. A bit sick yesterday, rather dreadful today. Hopefully I will get over it soon. I'm not worried about missing the class, the teacher puts extensive notes online and I've been keeping up fine so far with the work.

I've got such a long list of things to do in the holidays! And so far the list doesn't include fun things with the kids. Have to work on that. One thing I need to do is send out my book to some more publishers. I haven't heard back from the two favourites that I sent it to three months ago, I've been so busy with TAFE I haven't done anything else. Time to send it out to more places.

Good news is our pool fence is half up - I wasn't expecting it for 2-3 weeks from when I confirmed colour etc but it only took a week for them to manufacture it. Should be finished tomorrow. I love the colour, design, the fact that it is curved (it is a curvy pool). Still waiting to hear back about the side fences. Why do they have to be 1.8 metres tall when the pool fence only has to be 1.2 metres? It's ok if my child climbs in and drowns but not the neighbour's kid? Not sure of the logic. Our current fences are 1.6, over my head. Anyway, the pool fence being mostly up feels like a big step forward. Temporary fencing will be taken away tomorrow as well.

And the oven repairer is coming tomorrow too.

Babies

Monday:

Weekly weigh-in 79.7kg. Little bit up. I've been more or less the same weight for five or six weeks now, eating junky Christmas food is being balanced out by trying to eat healthy the rest of the time. Will continue like this for another week before I get serious again after Christmas.

Yesterday we went to see my new niece Ashleigh again, one week old now and at home. She slept almost the whole three hours we were there, I got a cuddle after her feed and she went back to sleep again. Her cousin baby Lucy was there too (more cuddles!), she is nine weeks old now and weighs almost exactly the same as Ashleigh does at one week! They are so different. Lucy was born small, a pale porcelain doll with a little fair hair. Ashleigh is big and olive-skinned with a shock of black hair. I say olive-skinned but olives are green or black (or purpley!) and she's none of those! As half-Chinese I suppose traditionally you could say "yellow" but I don't know why, I've never seen an Asian person who looks the slightest bit yellow to me. Light brown? I suppose I'm not "white" either, more a pale pinky brown with lots of freckles! Anyway, both babies are doing well.

Then we had family over to our place in the afternoon and for dinner. Quite a festive day.

The kids are home for school holidays now, we had to be home for a delivery this afternoon and just did the grocery shopping in the morning so not very exciting. I think Aiden is a bit tired after the school year and needs a bit of time to just relax at home. We probably won't do a lot this week other than get ready for Christmas, but Tim will be home too from Wednesday which will be nice.

Last day of school

Friday:

Well I've almost finished my Christmas shopping. I drove out in the rain today to the big shopping centre, then round and round for about half an hour to get a parking spot. It was worth it, I got the last things for Tim and Aiden and also a couple of pretty shirts/blouses/tops (what is the right word for a fancy T-shirt?) for myself. I don't buy clothes very often but it's my tradition to have new tops to wear Christmas and Boxing Day - with shorts, it is summer here remember. I now just need to get a couple of little gifts for peripheral people.

I had to go outside the centre to a shop a block away, I got rather wet but on the way back while waiting for the traffic lights a nice young man held his umbrella over me.

I came home hoping to be in time for today's parcel delivery, for the past three days they've arrived after 2pm (of course they couldn't all come on the same day, had to be one per day!) but today was the day they came earlier so I missed them. I still have plenty of time before Christmas to pick it up, luckily it was one that went to the post office after a failed delivery.

It was the kids' last day of school, they are now on holidays for six weeks over summer. Next year Jasmine goes into Yr 8 and Aiden into Yr 5. They are growing up very fast. Jasmine has changed a lot this year, she is doing excellently at school and she suddenly likes "cool" clothes instead of little girl pink and frilly. I suppose it was bound to happen, she is nearly 13. Aiden is still my baby, lots of cuddles.

Secret Life of Pets

Friday:

Last official day of the school holidays, although there is still the weekend to go. Took the kids to see The Secret Life of Pets which was cute. Drank lemonade, ate chips and lollies. Feel yuck. This has been a pretty good school holiday for me, in terms of having fun (not in terms of diet!) but as usual I'll be glad to get back into my routine. I haven't written a word except here on my blog, eaten a lot of junk, I've been quite active but not in any regular way. I guess it really was a holiday for me as well as the kids, I don't always treat it that way. I often have work commitments I'm trying to fulfil. It was nice to just do whatever.

Pointless

Thursday:

Eating clean in June lasted a whole day.

I had a particularly bad night; starting with lying awake for two hours trying to get to sleep, then three trips to the bathroom (unusual) and one calf cramp (also unusual), and culminating in waking early with pelvic pain. So I was tired and unmotivated all day. I did use my CPAP for about four hours again, but as at least two of those were lying awake I don't know how much good it did.

I saw my doctor today to see if she could refer me to a different gynaecologist so I didn't have to wait another two months for an appointment. The original one was about 20 minutes away, female, and my doctor particularly recommended her. Turns out the only other ones she knows of are more like 30-40 minutes away, and male. If it was a one-off visit I'd go to whoever could see me first but this might be an ongoing relationship so I decided to stick with the recommended (female, closer) one. So I just have to wait.

I also asked her about this plantar on my foot which often makes it quite painful to walk. We discussed last time her freezing it off if the other home treatment (my third) didn't work. After a week that has made no difference whatsoever, I decided to go for the painful freeze. But she had run out of freezing liquid! So I have to wait another week. The whole visit to the doctor was completely pointless.

Tim is getting a week off work soon and a hotel we like to stay at on the beach in Queensland is currently having a sale. But I can't see the point (for me) of going. I can't go for walks along the beach and even walking a few blocks to restaurants would hurt, I certainly can't envisage walking around a theme park all day, I'll be tired but can't sleep which isn't very relaxing, and these horrible unrelenting heavy extended periods mean I wouldn't be able to get in a pool. And I'm always on a diet (or should be) so wouldn't even be able to indulge in food (or not without guilt). I could sit in the hotel room and watch TV.

Well as you can see I'm a bit disappointed in the day. I'm ready to write this one off and crawl into bed.

NSV

Friday:

Last night as I was going to bed (all replete and contented from my fast food) I looked at my CPAP with some distaste. Another night coming up the same as the previous nine or so; a couple of hours sleep, waking to find the CPAP annoying me but staying true to my goal of minimum four hours every night, getting back to sleep for another couple of hours, the relief at yanking the mask off, the sore nose, trying to get back to sleep again, last few restless hours with sleep apnoea disturbing me. I've been proud of myself sticking to my vow but I was not exactly having a fun time.

Then I wondered if I was partly causing some of the problems with my resigned but resentful mindset. I was expecting all the wakefulness - was I causing it? So I turned my mind around. I decided to sleep restfully and well, with my CPAP on, all the way to 7am. No restlessness or irritation at all, just good sleep all the way. Somehow I found it really easy to just decide this would happen.

And it did. I woke once to go to the bathroom, then slept through to just after 7am. With my CPAP on all night.

The weirdest thing was when I looked at my fitbit sleep stats. I slept solidly and without restlessness except for two points. First when I woke and went to the bathroom, about the time I always do after two or three hours, but second when I usually wake and take off the CPAP nose pillows. I still woke, apparently. But I don't remember waking. I just went back to sleep quick enough that I don't even recall it. And those last few hours were as good as the earlier ones, because I still had my CPAP on. Amazing what a change of mindset can do.

Yesterday I finished my "quality" Easter chocolate, the Lindt egg and bunny my husband gave me. Five days to eat 220 grams, with a couple of extra little eggs so call it 50 grams a day. That is about five times the chocolate I usually eat a day! Hard to keep the calories down with an extra 250 or so calories each day. I still have some little eggs left from the Easter bunny but the quality is only Cadbury good, not Lindt great, and not nearly so tempting. I put them away in the cupboard, out of sight (they were on my desk!) and I think I'll be eating a lot less chocolate for a while.

I only realised today that I won't be able to go to the gym for the next two weeks except on weekends. It's the last day of school term today so I'll have my kids home. They are too young to come to the gym and the crèche isn't open in the holidays (how stupid is that!). My husband gets home too late from work, always after dinner, for me to go then - last night he got home at 11pm, tonight about 8:10. So there would only be weekends. I'll try to put my membership on hold, I think I can do that for one week without a medical certificate. I'll just have to use my Xbox games a lot at home and take the kids for walks. I could get up early, before Tim goes to work. I'm considering that, but I don't want to sacrifice precious sleep and I wouldn't be able to go to any classes so I don't feel that using the elliptical is necessarily any better than exercising at home.

Here was me thinking I had a stretch of time ahead with no deviations from routine! How silly was I! Two weeks of school holidays coming up. Or as I said to Tim this morning, anti-holidays for me. He'll still be working so it means I'll have the kids home all day. Need to think of lots of fun things to do. That don't involve food, or huge amounts of money.

I thought my weight might be up this morning after last night's salty dinner, but only up 0.1 kg. I did drink all my water so I'm sure that helped.

I started to have strong cravings again after lunch. This time specifically for Twisties (crunchy cheese flavoured twists). I fought it and fought it but finally after nearly three hours, after the kids got home from school, I gave in. We walked a kilometre each way to the corner store and had a treat. I enjoyed my Twisties very much but did feel a bit sick afterwards - it wasn't a family size bag but it was bigger than a one-person serve. What is it with these sudden cravings? I don't understand where they are coming from.

While Jasmine was in her ballet class, Aiden and I went for another walk. He chose the direction and the path unexpectedly went up a long steep hill. We made it to the top of the path - the hill continued in trees and grass - 24 flights of stairs high according to my fitbit. We walked back down and I hit 10,000 steps as we got back to the dance studio so that was good timing.

So it was a mixed day. Some good things, some bad. I did some exercise, but didn't go to the gym (because I left it until the afternoon and then just didn't). I ate about 500 calories of junk. I am a bit worried about these persistent cravings. It's not any special time of the month or anything. Oh well, it's only been for two days, two days isn't exactly a pattern set in stone. I had a great sleep and that is still an important Non Scale Victory.

Report Card:
Diet: Poor.
Exercise: Good.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Great.
Mental health: A bit up and down.

Getting things finalised

Wednesday:

Today was the point I really needed to have everything finalised for the funeral. I got up early and searched the Internet for quotes, finished writing the eulogy, made calls, and got it all done while Tim and the kids played tennis (in the loosest sense of that phrase, considering the kids don't know how to play). It took about four hours. There were a few more calls throughout the day but I'm pretty sure it is all done now. The order of service booklet, the screenshot of photos, who was speaking and in what order.... A lot more to organise than I ever anticipated. I am glad it is all done.

When I was finished we went to the pool but I just lay in the shade and had a nap.

Lunch at a cafe - bacon and pancakes for me but I didn't eat much of the pancakes, they had maple syrup but not butter which is not how I like them. Also half a milkshake.

I had another nap after lunch then off to the beach. It's quite isolated here at the resort and Diamond Beach is always nearly deserted. The surf is a bit rough for young children and the beach isn't patrolled so we only splash around and play in the sand. With lots of sunscreen, hats and shirts! Then back to the pool for last swim of the day.

Mexican again for dinner and I didn't do so well. I didn't eat anywhere near everything on my plate but I was still uncomfortably stuffed. And half a dessert which I definitely didn't need. And a cocktail. At least we went for a two kilometre walk after dinner, over the long bridge and back as the summer sky got dark.

Aiden was asleep in the car on the way back to the resort after a big day.

Beach and pool

Tuesday:

(Kookaburra on our porch this morning)

We went for a walk along the beach again this morning. A bit further, a bit faster. Look at the sky today!

(Weird driftwood structure on the beach)

Unfortunately my ankle started playing up. I twisted it badly a couple of years ago and it took a surprisingly long time to heal, but I would have said it was 100% better now. Apparently not. Walking on sand was too much. I was limping a bit after our two kilometres, and it continued to trouble me throughout the day.

We had our morning swim in the pool then drove into town for lunch. Italian today. Very nice. I had some things to organise for the funeral and internet access at the isolated resort isn't very good so we went to the local library and I used their computer. I've done that a few times when away from home, libraries are so wonderful!

In the afternoon I ate half a muffin, and bought some real bread for my toast tomorrow. Two days of fake supermarket bread was enough. We had another swim in the pool then had Indian food for dinner. I didn't feel like I overate tonight, and I'm not immediately falling asleep which is a good sign.

I think we got away with no additional sunburn today, except a bit on the tops of my feet. It was gorgeous weather all day but clouding over this evening, we may have a storm.

Lovely day

Monday:

We started our first full day here with breakfast in the room; toast, fruit and tea. Supermarket bread is nothing like real bread from my local baker! Not appealing at all.

The sky was grey and it was drizzling and cool so we went out for a long walk on the beach. We went only two kilometres in just over an hour because that included looking at shells, smooth pretty rocks and washed up jellyfish, and playing on the sand.

 (this is a 'Jelly Blubber' - doesn't sound like a real name does it? - upside-down dead jellyfish. we saw lots of live ones in the lakes and dead ones on the ocean beach)

It was all lovely except for the short period of rain driving straight into my face. Walking on sand is hard work, even if you choose the firmer section near the water. The muscles really felt it during the walk - maybe stabilising me? - but afterwards it was my calves that protested. A good start to the day. By the time we got back the sky had partly cleared, showing patches of blue, and it had warmed up, so we went for a swim in the pool.

We drove to the nearest town, Forster, which is about 15 mins away, for lunch (through more rain which stopped when we got there, such variable weather!) I had grilled fish even though I much prefer crumbed or battered. And chips. I'm trying! A great location right next to the waster. Forster/Tuncurry are towns on opposite sides of a kilometre-long bridge where Wallis lake meets the sea. The water is really shallow under the bridge, with lots of exposed sandbars populated by pelicans and seagulls, and we have seen dolphins in the crystal green water. Beautiful.

We went back to our cabin to stay out of the sun during the hottest part of the day. The clouds had all disappeared and it had turned into a lovely day. Tim napped, the kids watched TV, and I worked on writing mum's eulogy and returning some phone calls. It's so relaxing here that I was able to write as a celebration of mum rather than getting all maudlin. I'm glad we're here.

I haven't been using my meditation app. I tried a few days ago, when still at home, but I was too distracted. I'll go back to it. I think it's something you need to practice in easier circumstances rather than try to dive in when you really need it. Like trying to run a marathon without training for it.

In the afternoon we had an ice cream then tried out the second pool - which is rather boring and standard and we were the only ones there. The water was really cold, only the kids went in. Tim broke a chair! I was sitting on the same kind and it kept settling lower under me, very disconcerting when it would suddenly shift. Tim weighs less than me so I consider myself very lucky mine didn't break. Tim is not heavy at all so any adult weight was obviously too much - terrible chairs.

We went back to the good pool, which is much more interesting with a bridge and a sloping shallow area and much more interesting funky shape, and all the other guests were there. And big comfy non-breaking lounge chairs! And warmer water. Last swim of the day.

We tried really hard to not get sunburnt. Tim is fine, Aiden a little pink in the face and I am a bit pink on my shoulders and chin. Poor lily-white Jasmine got quite burnt on her face and the top of her chest and back. Even with hats and swim shirts and lots of sunscreen, she is just not a skin type that can spend hours in the sun with impunity. It is a tricky balance, we are here to spend time in the pool or on the beach. We could sit inside watching TV, much cheaper, at home. We'll just be as careful as we can.

We went back to Forster for dinner and had yummy Mexican. And I had two thirds of a chocolate mousse for dessert.

The combination of sun and fresh air and exercise and big dinners mean I can hardly keep my eyes open after dinner.

Rain at the beach

Sunday:

I'm going to try to include a bit more weight loss stuff, I seem to have strayed a little from the original brief.

This morning we left my brother's home without seeing him again, he was still in bed. Tim's asthma was really bad. I keep saying I'll never stay in that house again and then something happens to make it more convenient than the alternatives. Anyway, we had breakfast at a cafe then headed off for our beach holiday.

I've talked before about the weirdness of going right now so I won't justify myself again. I feel a bit odd telling people though (mostly I just don't).

After several really hot weeks, it was now cool and pouring rain. We drove for four hours through the rain, sometimes it was so heavy we could hardly see the road ahead and lots of cars seemed to be pulling over. But we got here eventually, had lunch at the resort hotel, and went for a swim in the pool. In the rain. We were going to get wet anyway, after all, and it was quite warm.

I couldn't take photos of the nice beach with turbulent storm surf or the pool because I didn't want to get my iPad wet, so I took a gloomy grey picture of our cabin with our wet cossies dripping on the balcony. But I couldn't work out how to attach it. So you'll just have to imagine.

Now here is the weight-related bit. I weigh almost exactly the same as last summer, but apparently I'm a different shape. I had some trouble wriggling into my swimming cossie but I thought it was because I was a bit sweaty from the humidity. Then I zipped up the board shorts I wear over the top. I had to squeeze into them. My stomach was clearly a lot bigger and flabbier. I am really unhappy with the shape I am in - in both senses. I am unfit, and I am an unpleasing shape.

So even when my stomach goes all acid and anxious if I relax for a minute and think about mum, even though we will be eating out two meals a day while we are here, I need to keep a rein on my eating. I shared a dessert with Jasmine last night and I think that is a good tactic. Having smaller amounts of treat foods. Being upset about how I look does not help me feel happier!

 (added later, rainy view of the lake area from evening restaurant)

Highlights of today were the water dragon and turtle lurking around the resort restaurant, and the hot shower after the swim.

Keeping busy

Thursday:

It seems I cope with grief and loss by keeping myself very busy so I don't have to think too much. Almost as soon as I heard I went and started researching funeral homes and memorial options. Since then I've made what feels like a million phone calls to family and mum's friends, making sure everyone knows about her death and the funeral arrangements. and responding to sympathy calls and texts. I've had a preliminary phone interview with the funeral home and I'm going to Sydney to sit down with them (and my brother) on Saturday. Apparently it's a two hour meeting. Then chat to the celebrant after that, and the people making the "order of service" booklets. Who knew it was so complex?

I've been through just about every photo I own, both digital and printed, to find only a handful of photos of my mother for the service. I guess, like me, she didn't like having her photo taken. Nearly all the ones I have are with her holding one of my babies. I need to choose music for the service, and write a eulogy. And find clothes for them to dress her in (even though it will be a closed casket). And take charge of all her financial paperwork. And get the Will to the executor. And ask my uncle to host the gathering after the funeral.

There are people who would help me with this stuff (Jasmine helped me go through all the photos) but I am appreciating being busy at the moment.

Months ago we booked a holiday on the beach, fully pre-paid and non refundable. It is coming up fast, so I am also planning that. It feels very odd to go for a holiday at this time, but I am not going to deprive the kids of their fun. And I suppose I can sit around and feel sad just as well there as here. It will be nice to get away, gaze at the endless ocean. I'll have the time for quiet reflection that I'm not giving myself now.

I guess I started dietbet at a bad time. I certainly haven't been restraining my eating the last couple of days - but actually that has more to do with it being that time of the month when I crave fat and salt. Mum's death just means I let myself off the hook. And then this holiday coming up. I have thought about dropping out of this dietbet (you can, in the first 7 days, and get your money back). I'll give myself another couple of days to decide, but when I was looking through all those photos I saw how good I looked ten years ago (when I thought I was fat! Ha!) compared to how I look now and it made me not want to put that quest aside.

The other thing that is going on is that I am judging collections of short stories for an award and I was a bit lazy and then mum got sick, and now I have about four weeks to read 20 more books. Not huge "Lord of the Rings" type books, more like 200 pages each. I have let the award conveners know my problems but I am still committed to getting it done. So when I'm not on the phone about mum, I'm reading reading reading! I don't need to spend any time being sad when I am so busy.

Ready to edit

Monday:

All our scheduled guests for these school holidays have gone, and today is a public holiday (celebrating the unions winning an 8 hour working day) so we have Tim home. A lovely quiet day. Tim dug up the hard-packed earth in the herb garden for me, so I planted the chives and did a bit of weeding. I am still hesitant in venturing out at the moment as my hay fever is pretty bad. Antihistamines are helping. But I forgot to take one yesterday and really noticed the difference. My nose was too blocked to use my CPAP last night and I didn't get a very restful sleep.

There is still another week of school holidays so I'll need to think of some fun things to do. Then the following week I start editing my book. There are already things I know I need to change/fix but I didn't want to stop my momentum as I was writing so I just made quick notes for myself when I thought of things. So I will attend to those first, then go through and work on the fine detail. A lot of people dread the editing process but I am looking forward to it - it's my day job after all, so I feel like it should be easier than the actual writing.

I've done government work and edited articles for scientific and medical journals, but what I like best is editing novels. And what I like very very best is substantive editing fantasy fiction novels. That is the big picture stuff - world building, characterisation, holes in the plot, why does magic work one way in chapter 3 but completely differently in chapter 12? Cutting out the 37 pages on the life cycle of Quirmian High Elves. Though it can be hard sometimes to convince the author that their readers don't need to know all this groovy world-building they spent four years creating. The trick is weaving the essence of it into the story instead of just dumping it on the readers' heads. Then after that you get down to copyediting, the nitty gritty of word choice, spelling and grammar. Important, but less fun. I am itching to get back to work. I find it very difficult to work with my kids around, so I'm waiting until they're back at school.

Update

Thursday:

You may have guessed from my lack of communication on the subject lately that my weight loss isn't going so well. I refuse to stop blogging, I am not going to disappear just because I'm eating way too much of all the wrong things, but I tend to avoid that particular subject when I'm not doing well. Time for an update.

I am walking a little bit most days. Not anywhere near what I should be doing at my fitness level. I was really concentrating on writing, and very excited about that, so I don't actually regret taking that time to write instead of exercise. But I need to increase now (while still working on reviewing my book as well). My health is important.

Another reason I've been staying inside with the doors closed during some lovely spring weather is that a particular weed is flowering profusely all over the area and giving me bad hay fever. I don't get hay fever often, but this Capeweed stuff seems to get right up my nose, as it were. A friend of mine has had to keep her son home from school he is so badly affected, so it's not just me. Headaches, sore throat, foggy head, runny nose. And I'd just got over my cold! But I'm better as long as I don't go outside, and hopefully the flowering season won't be too long or people will mow down the flowers or something (it's a daisy-like weed that infiltrates lawns and the school is blanketed in it, the oval is a sea of yellow). Today is raining anyway, and I plan to dance inside the house.

My food has been bad. And the scales are reflecting that. Up a bit more each week. It's a nasty shock each time I weigh myself. Or see a photo. And I look terrible in the face, although that is more hay fever than fat. I am not liking how I look or feel at the moment.

As usual at this stage, I am torn between the two extremes of an unsustainable punishing regime to lose weight quickly and a more gentle small-changes approach that won't work fast enough to motivate me.

We are in the last week of school term before two weeks of holidays. In the first week we already have planned a visit to Sydney for a party and to see my mother, my dad and his partner staying here for a few days, and my father-in-law and his partner staying here for a different few days. The whole week will be filled with offering and being offered excessive food. I do plan to make healthy desserts, or some of them at least, and I am responsible for what goes in my mouth, but I'm just saying it will be an additional challenge.

And yet, all this is just one part of my life. I need to make my health more of a priority, but I am very happy about other things. I have written a novel, people!!