Friday:
I was feeling better yesterday, but much worse today. Bleugh. Not just lack of sleep, but I also didn't sleep well. My peri-menopause tablets say to reduce the dose (from four a day) once your symptoms are under control, but any time I take less than four - either deliberately or because I forget - symptoms return straight away. Worse sleep and weird dreams last night. I think I'll stick to four for a while. But mainly I think it's just this headcold refusing to budge. Feel sick and miserable. And I had to do a little shopping, and managed to crush my fingers in the freezer door at the supermarket. Great day.
I have a confession to make. After posting last night's blog, I started to think about chocolate. I struggled with it for at least an hour, determined to stay strong, but eventually gave in and ate half a chocolate bunny. "They" say cravings fade if you resist them for 5 or 10 mins or whatever and do something else, maybe that works sometimes but certainly not all the time for me. The desire just gets stronger. The moment of giving in was interesting, from an outside point of view; I felt sudden relief and delight, excitement, my mouth started watering, and I enjoyed the chocolate so much!
If this whole episode was due to some underlying addiction (and it did feel like that, both the craving and the indulgence) then presumably I will go through this again in another few days. Any ideas for conquering it? Small dose to wean myself off? It was evening, I probably should have just gone to bed instead of trying to distract myself.
....later
My meals were good today but I had a huge "snack" in the afternoon including the rest of that chocolate bunny. Wasn't hungry, just tired and sick. It is just after 8pm, I'm going to have a bath and go to bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.
What I ate:
Breakfast: bacon, cucumber, tomato, tea.
Lunch: chicken, grapes.
Snack: chocolate, watermelon, cheese sandwich.
Dinner: steak, salad.
Water: 4 cups. Dismal.
Good night.
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Friday, April 1, 2016
Thursday, December 31, 2015
New Years Eve
Thursday:
I woke this morning feeling rather depressed for no particular reason. Melancholy. I'm glad 2015 is over, I want to move on.
My resolutions are simple. Get healthy, which I've already started, and polish up my book and submit for publication. I can't control what happens to my novel after that but at least I can get it to as good as I am capable of, send it out there, and never regret what could have been.
I went out for a short walk first thing, only 15 minutes around the block but at least it was something! My feet are fine but the back of my legs just below the knee are a bit sunburned, also the backs of my arms, from lying face-down on the beach. Jasmine also got a bit singed here and there. We tried so hard, but we are just so fair-skinned. The boys, with slightly more olive skin, were fine. Later in the morning I did 15 minutes of Dance so that brought up my 30.
I was worried it was going to be a difficult day for food. We had the option of going into the city for a party at Tim's office with a good view of the fireworks over Sydney harbour (they have one session of fireworks at 9:00 for kids then another at 12:00, we would have just stayed for the early one) but decided to spend the evening with family instead, our first year back in Sydney. I wasn't worried about dinner at Nick and Ping's house, I was sure I could negotiate whatever they served, but then there was also all the treats in the evening to moderate! Could I just have a small amount, or would that open the floodgates? At least I could take all the leftover Christmas stuff from here and get it out of my house.
Then Tim arranged for us to pop around to his dad's place at lunchtime. I didn't mind a visit, even though we would be seeing him in the evening anyway, but lunchtime?! Another meal to negotiate. And I thought it would probably be pizza ordered in. Of course I could take along my own prepared lunch, and eat it while smelling delicious pepperoni. I'm really trying not to make things too hard for myself. So I asked Tim to change the time of the visit to make it not during a meal.
For breakfast I had yoghurt with a mango. I'd planned eggs for today but the mango looked and smelled awesome and I wanted something light and fresh. No reason not to shuffle my meals around. I've been doing that a lot already. Lunch was healthy leftovers. In the afternoon we went to Tim's dad's place for a while. I took along some grapes and they had cake and biscuits, I didn't eat anything but had a cup of tea. When we got home I lay on the bed for a while resting then started thinking about how I was going to allow myself to have some treats later in the evening and I was looking forward to it and I remembered I had lots of treats in my Christmas stocking and I got up and did some eating! Three fun-size cheese and bacon flavour Cheetos and a marshmallow Santa. 415 calories in all. Not a win for Natalie vs temptation! But I have the comfort of knowing that all the Cheetos are gone now. I have chocolate left but it is not a trigger food for me, I can choose to have a little bit and stop. Anything chip-like and I eat until it's gone. I'm pretty amazed those Cheetos stayed in the stocking for nearly a week!
One result of my little binge was that I felt a bit sick after. It wasn't even that much food, those fun-size bags are pretty small. Enough to make me feel ill. Oh, but they were so tasty! Salty and crunchy and cheesy. Maybe it was the sickly marshmallow that upset my tummy. It's going to be a while before I have a "take it or leave it" attitude to chips like I do to most sweet foods. I'll get there. Eventually.
We went to dinner at Nick and Pings. We ate roast duck, which is one of my favourites but very fatty. And some garlic bread. I had two bites of chocolate but no other snacks, no dessert and no alcohol. In the end about 700 calories over my normal daily budget. I'm ok with that for NYE.
We all played a dance game, having so many people I was only in every 4th dance, probably another 15-20 mins exercise. We watched the early fireworks on TV then played with sparklers outside.
Then some Guitar Hero, which is a single person game so I didn't think it was very good for a party, boring for the rest of us, then it was 10:00 and I brought the kids home to bed. I'm tired. Tim stayed at his brother's to see in midnight (I'll be asleep by then), he'll get a lift home later.
I'll leave you with a photo I took this afternoon of my bedroom in the late afternoon sunlight. I think it looks pretty.
Happy New Year everyone, and I hope 2016 is wonderful for us all.
I woke this morning feeling rather depressed for no particular reason. Melancholy. I'm glad 2015 is over, I want to move on.
My resolutions are simple. Get healthy, which I've already started, and polish up my book and submit for publication. I can't control what happens to my novel after that but at least I can get it to as good as I am capable of, send it out there, and never regret what could have been.
I went out for a short walk first thing, only 15 minutes around the block but at least it was something! My feet are fine but the back of my legs just below the knee are a bit sunburned, also the backs of my arms, from lying face-down on the beach. Jasmine also got a bit singed here and there. We tried so hard, but we are just so fair-skinned. The boys, with slightly more olive skin, were fine. Later in the morning I did 15 minutes of Dance so that brought up my 30.
I was worried it was going to be a difficult day for food. We had the option of going into the city for a party at Tim's office with a good view of the fireworks over Sydney harbour (they have one session of fireworks at 9:00 for kids then another at 12:00, we would have just stayed for the early one) but decided to spend the evening with family instead, our first year back in Sydney. I wasn't worried about dinner at Nick and Ping's house, I was sure I could negotiate whatever they served, but then there was also all the treats in the evening to moderate! Could I just have a small amount, or would that open the floodgates? At least I could take all the leftover Christmas stuff from here and get it out of my house.
Then Tim arranged for us to pop around to his dad's place at lunchtime. I didn't mind a visit, even though we would be seeing him in the evening anyway, but lunchtime?! Another meal to negotiate. And I thought it would probably be pizza ordered in. Of course I could take along my own prepared lunch, and eat it while smelling delicious pepperoni. I'm really trying not to make things too hard for myself. So I asked Tim to change the time of the visit to make it not during a meal.
For breakfast I had yoghurt with a mango. I'd planned eggs for today but the mango looked and smelled awesome and I wanted something light and fresh. No reason not to shuffle my meals around. I've been doing that a lot already. Lunch was healthy leftovers. In the afternoon we went to Tim's dad's place for a while. I took along some grapes and they had cake and biscuits, I didn't eat anything but had a cup of tea. When we got home I lay on the bed for a while resting then started thinking about how I was going to allow myself to have some treats later in the evening and I was looking forward to it and I remembered I had lots of treats in my Christmas stocking and I got up and did some eating! Three fun-size cheese and bacon flavour Cheetos and a marshmallow Santa. 415 calories in all. Not a win for Natalie vs temptation! But I have the comfort of knowing that all the Cheetos are gone now. I have chocolate left but it is not a trigger food for me, I can choose to have a little bit and stop. Anything chip-like and I eat until it's gone. I'm pretty amazed those Cheetos stayed in the stocking for nearly a week!
One result of my little binge was that I felt a bit sick after. It wasn't even that much food, those fun-size bags are pretty small. Enough to make me feel ill. Oh, but they were so tasty! Salty and crunchy and cheesy. Maybe it was the sickly marshmallow that upset my tummy. It's going to be a while before I have a "take it or leave it" attitude to chips like I do to most sweet foods. I'll get there. Eventually.
We went to dinner at Nick and Pings. We ate roast duck, which is one of my favourites but very fatty. And some garlic bread. I had two bites of chocolate but no other snacks, no dessert and no alcohol. In the end about 700 calories over my normal daily budget. I'm ok with that for NYE.
We all played a dance game, having so many people I was only in every 4th dance, probably another 15-20 mins exercise. We watched the early fireworks on TV then played with sparklers outside.
I'll leave you with a photo I took this afternoon of my bedroom in the late afternoon sunlight. I think it looks pretty.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Cancer
Tuesday:
So, today started well. After one day of eating clean low carb I dropped a whole kilogram in 24 hours. Only one kg to go for my dietbet! Much less daunting than two kg in a week. I know that the loss was mainly water weight, but that is fine with me. Staying low carb will keep that off while I lose some fat.
I went to the gym and did a good half hour on the elliptical and ten minutes on the bike. I was dripping sweat by the end, my hair was soaked. Good sign. After my shower I dropped in at the library then went to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping then grocery shopping.
While I was eating some lunch (food court Chinese, the best choice I could find) I saw that I had just missed a call from my brother. I knew he had taken mum to the oncologist today to get the results of the fluid they drained off last week.
It's not good news. I don't know the exact details, I talked to mum and she couldn't remember everything the doctor had said, but the fluid was caused by the cancer not her medication. She has already started building up more fluid in the week since they drained six and a half litres. She will probably have to have it drained regularly. She is tired and weak and hardly eating; they have put her on stronger medication and anti-nausea medication to help her get some food down. If this new medication helps then she gets a bit more time. If not, it could be a matter of months. She may need me to go and look after her soon.
I was having this conversation with mum while trying to find a quiet private spot in a busy shopping centre. It was difficult. I'll probably talk to my brother tomorrow as he sits in on her appointments and might remember more details.
Obviously the rest of the day has been a bit confused and fraught. But I'm proud of myself for not turning to food. I thought about it. My stomach was churned up and I'd just had lunch and I didn't feel like eating but I considered it anyway. Would it make me feel better if I had some comfort food? I decided no. I went and did the grocery shopping, sticking to my list. I did pick up a packet of chocolate biscuits and put it in my trolley. I had a friend coming over with her kids after school (I decided to keep the appointment, I wanted someone to talk to) and we could all share the biscuits and I would only get one or two out of the packet so that would be ok, right? I struggled with it, I already had plenty of food to share at home, and chocolate biscuits definitely weren't on my plan today. After a couple of aisles I shoved them on a random shelf and walked away.
Then my friend brought some biscuits that I love over. I didn't eat any. I concentrated on talking, not eating. I had grapes and a cup of tea, and later when she left I had a piece of cheese and a nectarine. I took my daughter to dance and came home to pulled pork that had been in the oven all afternoon and made salad and ate a moderate amount and didn't have a bread roll, and when I started nibbling at the fatty skin I quickly threw it all out. The kids had had a little piece each and none of us needed any more than that. I kept to my diet plan and my calorie goals even under stress. I'm a bit surprised, but glad.
Cancelled Dungeons and Dragons tonight. It has been a busy day and I've hardly had time to think. Not that I really want to think. But I probably need to.
So, today started well. After one day of eating clean low carb I dropped a whole kilogram in 24 hours. Only one kg to go for my dietbet! Much less daunting than two kg in a week. I know that the loss was mainly water weight, but that is fine with me. Staying low carb will keep that off while I lose some fat.
I went to the gym and did a good half hour on the elliptical and ten minutes on the bike. I was dripping sweat by the end, my hair was soaked. Good sign. After my shower I dropped in at the library then went to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping then grocery shopping.
While I was eating some lunch (food court Chinese, the best choice I could find) I saw that I had just missed a call from my brother. I knew he had taken mum to the oncologist today to get the results of the fluid they drained off last week.
It's not good news. I don't know the exact details, I talked to mum and she couldn't remember everything the doctor had said, but the fluid was caused by the cancer not her medication. She has already started building up more fluid in the week since they drained six and a half litres. She will probably have to have it drained regularly. She is tired and weak and hardly eating; they have put her on stronger medication and anti-nausea medication to help her get some food down. If this new medication helps then she gets a bit more time. If not, it could be a matter of months. She may need me to go and look after her soon.
I was having this conversation with mum while trying to find a quiet private spot in a busy shopping centre. It was difficult. I'll probably talk to my brother tomorrow as he sits in on her appointments and might remember more details.
Obviously the rest of the day has been a bit confused and fraught. But I'm proud of myself for not turning to food. I thought about it. My stomach was churned up and I'd just had lunch and I didn't feel like eating but I considered it anyway. Would it make me feel better if I had some comfort food? I decided no. I went and did the grocery shopping, sticking to my list. I did pick up a packet of chocolate biscuits and put it in my trolley. I had a friend coming over with her kids after school (I decided to keep the appointment, I wanted someone to talk to) and we could all share the biscuits and I would only get one or two out of the packet so that would be ok, right? I struggled with it, I already had plenty of food to share at home, and chocolate biscuits definitely weren't on my plan today. After a couple of aisles I shoved them on a random shelf and walked away.
Then my friend brought some biscuits that I love over. I didn't eat any. I concentrated on talking, not eating. I had grapes and a cup of tea, and later when she left I had a piece of cheese and a nectarine. I took my daughter to dance and came home to pulled pork that had been in the oven all afternoon and made salad and ate a moderate amount and didn't have a bread roll, and when I started nibbling at the fatty skin I quickly threw it all out. The kids had had a little piece each and none of us needed any more than that. I kept to my diet plan and my calorie goals even under stress. I'm a bit surprised, but glad.
Cancelled Dungeons and Dragons tonight. It has been a busy day and I've hardly had time to think. Not that I really want to think. But I probably need to.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
New clothes
Tuesday:
I had a very busy but productive day today. I spent basically the entire morning looking for something to wear to this wedding on Friday. I was running out of time to buy, especially as a lot of things I buy have to be altered to fit because I am so short. Today I was feeling much better, nearly over my cold, so I was up to stressful shopping. Clothes shopping is definitely stressful when you are unhappy with the way you look in just about anything. You have to compromise between finding something you think you look good in and realising that you are not going to look like Elle McPhearson no matter how many dresses you try on. Every outfit you ask "is this as good as it gets?"
I chose a pair of floaty black pants, very interesting actually and not at all like work trousers, and a floaty purple top. I felt a bit like a gypsy. It is going to be a stinking hot day but I decided I would be more comfortable in loose pants than with my thighs rubbing together. I was happy with my eventual choice.
Then I realised how late it was getting and rushed to my hair appointment without having any time for lunch. Happy with my haircut too. I'll take a picture when I'm all made up and not so much red nose and bleary eyes.
At 2pm (so late for me, I always eat at noon) I grabbed lunch, put in the trousers for alteration, got a script at the chemist and asked them to check my blood pressure. The lady tried four times but kept getting an error message. All that arm-squeezing pain for nothing! I'll have to wait for my doctor next week. My blood sugars have been consistently high yesterday and today (I hadn't checked it for a while before that) but apparently being sick can mess with that. If you're diabetic. I've booked in for the diabetes blood test I didn't have six months ago, next Monday when presumably I'll be completely over my cold so the results should be accurate. The great news is you no longer need to carb load for three days beforehand! I always hated doing that. But I am definitely a bit worried, my pre-diabetes had seemed to be improving last time I was tested 18 months ago.
I got home just minutes before the kids and their playdate guests, had a nice chat with my friend, took my daughter to dance, got a rotisserie chicken on the way home because I hadn't had time to do grocery shopping today, then had Dungeons and Dragons night. I'm really not enjoying it at all lately, my favourite bit is the combat and we get to do that about one session in four this campaign (usually it should be every session, or I think so anyway!). It's all debate about what to do next and how to achieve our goals. Hours of it. Boring. I want to charge in and kill the monsters! But we can't because they are usually too tough for us and we have to be sneaky and clever. Blah. I spend a lot of type rudely playing with my phone. But they know how I feel.
At least with the playdate and the games night I put out all the rest of the cake and party leftovers so that is all gone instead of sitting around tempting me. I'd already tipped chips into the bin to avoid eating the whole packet after I couldn't resist opening them. Gone now.
I had a very busy but productive day today. I spent basically the entire morning looking for something to wear to this wedding on Friday. I was running out of time to buy, especially as a lot of things I buy have to be altered to fit because I am so short. Today I was feeling much better, nearly over my cold, so I was up to stressful shopping. Clothes shopping is definitely stressful when you are unhappy with the way you look in just about anything. You have to compromise between finding something you think you look good in and realising that you are not going to look like Elle McPhearson no matter how many dresses you try on. Every outfit you ask "is this as good as it gets?"
I chose a pair of floaty black pants, very interesting actually and not at all like work trousers, and a floaty purple top. I felt a bit like a gypsy. It is going to be a stinking hot day but I decided I would be more comfortable in loose pants than with my thighs rubbing together. I was happy with my eventual choice.
Then I realised how late it was getting and rushed to my hair appointment without having any time for lunch. Happy with my haircut too. I'll take a picture when I'm all made up and not so much red nose and bleary eyes.
At 2pm (so late for me, I always eat at noon) I grabbed lunch, put in the trousers for alteration, got a script at the chemist and asked them to check my blood pressure. The lady tried four times but kept getting an error message. All that arm-squeezing pain for nothing! I'll have to wait for my doctor next week. My blood sugars have been consistently high yesterday and today (I hadn't checked it for a while before that) but apparently being sick can mess with that. If you're diabetic. I've booked in for the diabetes blood test I didn't have six months ago, next Monday when presumably I'll be completely over my cold so the results should be accurate. The great news is you no longer need to carb load for three days beforehand! I always hated doing that. But I am definitely a bit worried, my pre-diabetes had seemed to be improving last time I was tested 18 months ago.
I got home just minutes before the kids and their playdate guests, had a nice chat with my friend, took my daughter to dance, got a rotisserie chicken on the way home because I hadn't had time to do grocery shopping today, then had Dungeons and Dragons night. I'm really not enjoying it at all lately, my favourite bit is the combat and we get to do that about one session in four this campaign (usually it should be every session, or I think so anyway!). It's all debate about what to do next and how to achieve our goals. Hours of it. Boring. I want to charge in and kill the monsters! But we can't because they are usually too tough for us and we have to be sneaky and clever. Blah. I spend a lot of type rudely playing with my phone. But they know how I feel.
At least with the playdate and the games night I put out all the rest of the cake and party leftovers so that is all gone instead of sitting around tempting me. I'd already tipped chips into the bin to avoid eating the whole packet after I couldn't resist opening them. Gone now.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Temptations
Sunday:
Today was much harder, diet-wise, but all the more reason to be proud of myself.
Thor has been very excited by all the visitors so maybe that is why his sleep was a bit more disrupted last night. He woke just as I was going to bed so I had to stay up for a while, then was up at 3 and 6 and finally up for the day at 7:30. So my sleep was rather disrupted, and I only wore the CPAP for my first sleep of around 11:30 to 3 so some of my sleep was of poor quality.
I made a fairly high-calorie breakfast but had no morning tea and a light lunch (soup) so I expected it to balance out - but the French toast breakfast was a bit more calorific that I had thought! The light lunch was satisfying at the time but then I got hungry. I had to pop out to the shops because I had more people staying for dinner than I expected, and all the snack food looked so tempting. I badly wanted to get an armful of junk food to enjoy with everyone while we played games and chatted in the evening. But somehow I managed to resist.
I came home and had my planned cheese and crackers (four pieces) from the cheese platter I offered but could easily have eaten a lot more. And then everyone went out to the park to play boule while I stayed with the very overtired Thor and after a while started to get dinner ready. So I was home alone, still a bit hungry, and with the knowledge that there was a platter of cheese, dried fruit and nuts on the table and, worse, a chocolate mousse left from last night in the fridge. Oh, that chocolate mousse was calling me! And only 280 calories, not so bad, right? Even though I was already a bit short of calories left for the day. I honestly don't know how I resisted it.
I made a lovely dinner and yes I might have picked at bits of pork crackling as I was carving it up. And then I had the dessert everyone else was having, icecream and berries, instead of the healthier version of yoghurt and berries I had planned. But no one is perfect, right? And I didn't even eat it all, mainly because my father-in-law started talking politics and he gets very loud and excited and I hate it and left the table as soon as I could (and I'm not the only one!).
After the kids were in bed we played more games and everyone else scoffed down some supper and had liqueur. I didn't have anything. I watched other people, a couple of them quite overweight, eating, and had no impulse whatsoever to emulate them. I actually went quite judgemental (hopefully only inside my own head): how can they eat so much! Don't they know it's unhealthy and fattening?! Like I haven't done exactly the same thing many times.
So overall I had a few more calories than usual, I got up to 1650, but I resisted so many things! Sometimes it was easy, like supper, sometimes very very hard. I consider the day a huge win in terms of mostly sticking to my diet under sometimes adverse circumstances.
Today was much harder, diet-wise, but all the more reason to be proud of myself.
Thor has been very excited by all the visitors so maybe that is why his sleep was a bit more disrupted last night. He woke just as I was going to bed so I had to stay up for a while, then was up at 3 and 6 and finally up for the day at 7:30. So my sleep was rather disrupted, and I only wore the CPAP for my first sleep of around 11:30 to 3 so some of my sleep was of poor quality.
I made a fairly high-calorie breakfast but had no morning tea and a light lunch (soup) so I expected it to balance out - but the French toast breakfast was a bit more calorific that I had thought! The light lunch was satisfying at the time but then I got hungry. I had to pop out to the shops because I had more people staying for dinner than I expected, and all the snack food looked so tempting. I badly wanted to get an armful of junk food to enjoy with everyone while we played games and chatted in the evening. But somehow I managed to resist.
I came home and had my planned cheese and crackers (four pieces) from the cheese platter I offered but could easily have eaten a lot more. And then everyone went out to the park to play boule while I stayed with the very overtired Thor and after a while started to get dinner ready. So I was home alone, still a bit hungry, and with the knowledge that there was a platter of cheese, dried fruit and nuts on the table and, worse, a chocolate mousse left from last night in the fridge. Oh, that chocolate mousse was calling me! And only 280 calories, not so bad, right? Even though I was already a bit short of calories left for the day. I honestly don't know how I resisted it.
I made a lovely dinner and yes I might have picked at bits of pork crackling as I was carving it up. And then I had the dessert everyone else was having, icecream and berries, instead of the healthier version of yoghurt and berries I had planned. But no one is perfect, right? And I didn't even eat it all, mainly because my father-in-law started talking politics and he gets very loud and excited and I hate it and left the table as soon as I could (and I'm not the only one!).
After the kids were in bed we played more games and everyone else scoffed down some supper and had liqueur. I didn't have anything. I watched other people, a couple of them quite overweight, eating, and had no impulse whatsoever to emulate them. I actually went quite judgemental (hopefully only inside my own head): how can they eat so much! Don't they know it's unhealthy and fattening?! Like I haven't done exactly the same thing many times.
So overall I had a few more calories than usual, I got up to 1650, but I resisted so many things! Sometimes it was easy, like supper, sometimes very very hard. I consider the day a huge win in terms of mostly sticking to my diet under sometimes adverse circumstances.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Too much cake
Saturday:
This week has been shocking in terms of unhealthy food intake.
I'm still not sure if I am better off as an abstainer (just don't eat particular foods) or a moderator (have a bit of what you fancy). On the one hand, sometimes the thought of giving up favourite foods sends me into a deprivation panic binge. But on the other hand, telling myself that trigger foods are ok to have occasionally can be a slippery slope.
I haven't been in an active weight-loss mindset for a few weeks now, since I started working longer hours than I am used to in an office. I put concentrating on eating healthily on hold while I focussed on working and getting the kids to all their after-school activities, grocery shopping etc. It's not my usual routine and I guess I felt like is it very temporary state of things (only one week to go now before the end of this contract).
But.
This week we had take-away on Monday. On Tuesday we had a play-date to which I brought (and ate) biscuits (cookies), and then had lots of junk at supper that night. And I think that was the day my boss brought cake to a meeting (luckily I didn't like it so only picked at a slice to be polite, but I would have eaten it if it was something nice). Wednesday is my long day at work so I had a packet of Cheezles to get me through the afternoon. On Thursday there was a big cake sale in aid of refugees in the foyer of my building. I went down and there was a huge queue (they ended up making $2500, it is a big building). As we all crept forward I started to get really paranoid about all the good stuff being gone, so when I finally got to the front I bought four things! Four! I gave one to a workmate, but ate the cupcake and two pieces of fudge. Then that afternoon grabbed fries from McDonald's with my daughter before we did the shopping -- at which I bought several packets of biscuits and ate some of those that night. Friday didn't get any better, my daughter had an extra dance rehearsal so after we dropped my son at gymnastics we went to a café for cake before going on to her dance. A drink and more biscuits in the evening.
This concept of having a treat occasionally, as part of being a balanced human being, obviously doesn't apply to that list!
Time to start turning it around.
I haven't mentioned zombies for a while. Walking to work doesn't really suit the program, I walk briskly but can't comfortably break into a run while in to work clothes and I don't want to get caught by zombies again! Also I am beside busy roads for part of the way, making it hard to hear, and it isn't quite far enough for a whole session. I've given up training to run for the time being but still want to listen to the zombie episodes at some point when I go for longer walks, when I can do a bit of jogging too if I feel like it or the zombies get too close.
There is an anti-smoking ad here at the moment that talks about will power being a muscle that you can build up with repeated use, and I think that is true, but studies have also shown that you have a limited amount of will power at any one time. If it gets used up, you are likely to give in to the next thing that comes along and tempts you. That still fits with the muscle analogy, it's like working a muscle to fatigue and you just can't lift any more that day. Like someone starting a fitness program from the couch, you can to work up to doing more reps of heavier weights but you can't do it all in one day.
I didn't really have a point there (I wasn't trying to say I can't resist cake because my will power muscle is too small!), I just thought that was interesting. The lesson, I suppose, is to reduce the amount of temptation you are exposed to until you can handle it. I'm definitely struggling with that aspect. I usually work from home where I have total control over what comes in, and it's much harder for me to access junk if I suddenly get a craving -- I would have to walk 20 minutes each way or get in the car. In the office, there are boxes of chocolates in the tea room being sold for charity, and vending machines, and cake sales, and a major supermarket just next door. And I am grocery shopping late in the afternoon when I am tired instead of first thing in the morning, and getting a snack with my daughter first. The opportunities for unhealthy food have gone from around twice a week to all day every day. It's something I won't miss when this contract ends in a week.
There is another reason to be glad it is ending. I left my full-time office job eleven years ago after two years of crippling pain with RSI -- or occupational overuse syndrome I think was the preferred term. I had numerous sessions a week of painful physio, plus aqua physio (physio in a pool), acupuncture, lots of anti-inflammatory and pain-killing drugs and I can't even remember what else. But as long as I still went in to work, even on part-time sick leave, I was getting worse and worse. In the end I couldn't dress myself or even sleep comfortably, the pain in my shoulders and arms and hands was so bad. So I quit work and got a pitiful amount of compensation - a couple of months salary. My husband worked long hours and then came home and did everything else as well. I was in pain all the time.
Over five or six years (during which I couldn't go near a computer) I got to the point where I rarely felt any pain. It was only occasionally triggered; usually by some combination of too much computer usage, being sick, having PMS and/or cold weather. I started working from home as a freelancer, which was pretty ideal as I could make my own hours.
I've been back in the office for five weeks now, five hours a day, and the pain has been creeping back for a couple of weeks. It is clearly too much for me, even eleven years later. It makes me a bit sad, I was enjoying many things about being back in a office. Being around other people instead of alone all day was a big part of it. My "dream job" was to get a part time job with a publisher. But I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me if I can only offer two or three hours a day. So it's back to freelancing from home, with its freedoms and its loneliness. And dealing with the occasional crazy.
The upside is I will have a lot more time to plan and cook healthy meals and exercise regularly.
This week has been shocking in terms of unhealthy food intake.
I'm still not sure if I am better off as an abstainer (just don't eat particular foods) or a moderator (have a bit of what you fancy). On the one hand, sometimes the thought of giving up favourite foods sends me into a deprivation panic binge. But on the other hand, telling myself that trigger foods are ok to have occasionally can be a slippery slope.
I haven't been in an active weight-loss mindset for a few weeks now, since I started working longer hours than I am used to in an office. I put concentrating on eating healthily on hold while I focussed on working and getting the kids to all their after-school activities, grocery shopping etc. It's not my usual routine and I guess I felt like is it very temporary state of things (only one week to go now before the end of this contract).
But.
This week we had take-away on Monday. On Tuesday we had a play-date to which I brought (and ate) biscuits (cookies), and then had lots of junk at supper that night. And I think that was the day my boss brought cake to a meeting (luckily I didn't like it so only picked at a slice to be polite, but I would have eaten it if it was something nice). Wednesday is my long day at work so I had a packet of Cheezles to get me through the afternoon. On Thursday there was a big cake sale in aid of refugees in the foyer of my building. I went down and there was a huge queue (they ended up making $2500, it is a big building). As we all crept forward I started to get really paranoid about all the good stuff being gone, so when I finally got to the front I bought four things! Four! I gave one to a workmate, but ate the cupcake and two pieces of fudge. Then that afternoon grabbed fries from McDonald's with my daughter before we did the shopping -- at which I bought several packets of biscuits and ate some of those that night. Friday didn't get any better, my daughter had an extra dance rehearsal so after we dropped my son at gymnastics we went to a café for cake before going on to her dance. A drink and more biscuits in the evening.
This concept of having a treat occasionally, as part of being a balanced human being, obviously doesn't apply to that list!
Time to start turning it around.
I haven't mentioned zombies for a while. Walking to work doesn't really suit the program, I walk briskly but can't comfortably break into a run while in to work clothes and I don't want to get caught by zombies again! Also I am beside busy roads for part of the way, making it hard to hear, and it isn't quite far enough for a whole session. I've given up training to run for the time being but still want to listen to the zombie episodes at some point when I go for longer walks, when I can do a bit of jogging too if I feel like it or the zombies get too close.
There is an anti-smoking ad here at the moment that talks about will power being a muscle that you can build up with repeated use, and I think that is true, but studies have also shown that you have a limited amount of will power at any one time. If it gets used up, you are likely to give in to the next thing that comes along and tempts you. That still fits with the muscle analogy, it's like working a muscle to fatigue and you just can't lift any more that day. Like someone starting a fitness program from the couch, you can to work up to doing more reps of heavier weights but you can't do it all in one day.
I didn't really have a point there (I wasn't trying to say I can't resist cake because my will power muscle is too small!), I just thought that was interesting. The lesson, I suppose, is to reduce the amount of temptation you are exposed to until you can handle it. I'm definitely struggling with that aspect. I usually work from home where I have total control over what comes in, and it's much harder for me to access junk if I suddenly get a craving -- I would have to walk 20 minutes each way or get in the car. In the office, there are boxes of chocolates in the tea room being sold for charity, and vending machines, and cake sales, and a major supermarket just next door. And I am grocery shopping late in the afternoon when I am tired instead of first thing in the morning, and getting a snack with my daughter first. The opportunities for unhealthy food have gone from around twice a week to all day every day. It's something I won't miss when this contract ends in a week.
There is another reason to be glad it is ending. I left my full-time office job eleven years ago after two years of crippling pain with RSI -- or occupational overuse syndrome I think was the preferred term. I had numerous sessions a week of painful physio, plus aqua physio (physio in a pool), acupuncture, lots of anti-inflammatory and pain-killing drugs and I can't even remember what else. But as long as I still went in to work, even on part-time sick leave, I was getting worse and worse. In the end I couldn't dress myself or even sleep comfortably, the pain in my shoulders and arms and hands was so bad. So I quit work and got a pitiful amount of compensation - a couple of months salary. My husband worked long hours and then came home and did everything else as well. I was in pain all the time.
Over five or six years (during which I couldn't go near a computer) I got to the point where I rarely felt any pain. It was only occasionally triggered; usually by some combination of too much computer usage, being sick, having PMS and/or cold weather. I started working from home as a freelancer, which was pretty ideal as I could make my own hours.
I've been back in the office for five weeks now, five hours a day, and the pain has been creeping back for a couple of weeks. It is clearly too much for me, even eleven years later. It makes me a bit sad, I was enjoying many things about being back in a office. Being around other people instead of alone all day was a big part of it. My "dream job" was to get a part time job with a publisher. But I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me if I can only offer two or three hours a day. So it's back to freelancing from home, with its freedoms and its loneliness. And dealing with the occasional crazy.
The upside is I will have a lot more time to plan and cook healthy meals and exercise regularly.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Back in the office
Thursday:
I've had two full days back in the office after ten years at home with chronic pain, then with kids, and then working from home. I'm loving many aspects of being back. The work is a little dull but by no means horrible, and I'm back with people! Adults, even! I haven't done much chatting but it's great to be surrounded by people. Much less lonely than at home. And I feel kind of important, too, striding around a multi-story office building with my security pass and my semi-corporate clothes. Frowning thoughtfully at TWO computer screens on my desk.
Wednesday is the only day I can work longer than school hours so yesterday was both my first full day at work and my long day. By the time I had walked home (and having to go right around the school to get in to pick up the kids from after-school care in the hall because all the other gates were locked by that time) I was truly exhausted. I made dinner then collapsed. I am still fighting off the germs from last weekend but I think it was mainly just that I am not used to working all day!
I walk to and from work so that is quite nice exercise each day but being in an office again is terrible for my diet. I'm taking my lunch and snacks but I'd forgotten the temptations of vending machines and people selling chocolates for charity. Today I saw a birthday one section over, no doubt I'll eventually be involved in those too at some point. Oh, and did I mention we are right next to the area's major shopping centre? So if I want to pop out at lunch time for anything, anything at all, I can. So far I haven't done very much resisting. I guess I'm going to have to start climbing a lot of stairs!
I've had two full days back in the office after ten years at home with chronic pain, then with kids, and then working from home. I'm loving many aspects of being back. The work is a little dull but by no means horrible, and I'm back with people! Adults, even! I haven't done much chatting but it's great to be surrounded by people. Much less lonely than at home. And I feel kind of important, too, striding around a multi-story office building with my security pass and my semi-corporate clothes. Frowning thoughtfully at TWO computer screens on my desk.
Wednesday is the only day I can work longer than school hours so yesterday was both my first full day at work and my long day. By the time I had walked home (and having to go right around the school to get in to pick up the kids from after-school care in the hall because all the other gates were locked by that time) I was truly exhausted. I made dinner then collapsed. I am still fighting off the germs from last weekend but I think it was mainly just that I am not used to working all day!
I walk to and from work so that is quite nice exercise each day but being in an office again is terrible for my diet. I'm taking my lunch and snacks but I'd forgotten the temptations of vending machines and people selling chocolates for charity. Today I saw a birthday one section over, no doubt I'll eventually be involved in those too at some point. Oh, and did I mention we are right next to the area's major shopping centre? So if I want to pop out at lunch time for anything, anything at all, I can. So far I haven't done very much resisting. I guess I'm going to have to start climbing a lot of stairs!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Struggling today
Monday:
Today really feels like a struggle. I am not physically hungry, but I want to eat. I want to nibble at something crunchy and salty and unhealthy. I know what I have planned for dinner and I hope to get some tasty fruit for afternoon tea while doing a mini-shop with the kids after school, so the only thing that would be acceptable to my diet right now is a yoghurt, basically. And I don't want a horrible cold slimy sweet yoghurt. I want fried chicken! Or chips! Or a hot chocolate.
I could have a hot chocolate, if I was prepared to spend an indulgence on it, but: 1. I want to save both indulgences for supper tomorrow night, and 2. I don't want to have an indulgence in this mood. It would feel like I've given in.
I went to the gym this morning and got changed in the downstairs part even though the class was upstairs because I wanted to weigh myself again. Even though I knew a bad result would make me feel bad/worse. But the door to that room was closed and I didn't want to try it in case an instuctor was giving someone a health check in there. So I didn't get to weigh myself.
Then I did BodyPump, which I usually enjoy. It was hard. It was my fifth day in a row of exercise, including two classes yesterday -- one of them Pump -- and my body was just tired. My shoulders hurt and my knees hurt and my toe hurts where I tore the nail last night. I left before lunges. I just couldn't face them. This meant I did about 40 mins. I am trying to see the positive of having done that much.
I am working today -- really easy work of the first read-through of a manuscript. But my mind keeps wandering and my eyes keep blurring staring at the screen. I've done a bit of housework. Anything other than what I really should be doing. I don't know why today is so hard. I don't even have PMS. I feel guilty for feeling like this when my life is so easy. Maybe I'm just tired. I think I have found before that the fifth day of exercise in a row is bad, maybe it's still a bit much for me. I have to push myself hard -- but in moderation. Hmm.
Later:
At the shops both kids chose a packet of chips (crisps) for their Monday shopping treat. I got a punnet of strawberries for myself. I love strawberries, and a whole punnet to myself really is a treat this early in the season. But oh Gods I wanted those chips. Standing in the check-out queue I was seriously debating with myself whether I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted a family-size bag of cheezles with cream cheese in the middle. It was a close-run thing! I was literally nearly crying as I struggled with myself. If there had been a junk food display next to my register I don't know if I could have stayed strong.
Then the kids ate their chips in the car and I was inhaling that beautiful salty fatty potato smell. I wanted to ask them to share. But I felt that "just one" would be my undoing and I would end up crash-tackling my own children for their whole bag of chips. They finished at home, and when I was clearing up the empty packets I saw one tiny chip on Aiden's chair. So little, so tempting... I threw it in the bin.
In the end, I settled for having too much pasta at dinnertime and fatty Thousand Island dressing on my salad. I am feeling over-full and bloated, but much more at peace with something really satisfying in my stomach. I think I did pretty well today, after all.
Today really feels like a struggle. I am not physically hungry, but I want to eat. I want to nibble at something crunchy and salty and unhealthy. I know what I have planned for dinner and I hope to get some tasty fruit for afternoon tea while doing a mini-shop with the kids after school, so the only thing that would be acceptable to my diet right now is a yoghurt, basically. And I don't want a horrible cold slimy sweet yoghurt. I want fried chicken! Or chips! Or a hot chocolate.
I could have a hot chocolate, if I was prepared to spend an indulgence on it, but: 1. I want to save both indulgences for supper tomorrow night, and 2. I don't want to have an indulgence in this mood. It would feel like I've given in.
I went to the gym this morning and got changed in the downstairs part even though the class was upstairs because I wanted to weigh myself again. Even though I knew a bad result would make me feel bad/worse. But the door to that room was closed and I didn't want to try it in case an instuctor was giving someone a health check in there. So I didn't get to weigh myself.
Then I did BodyPump, which I usually enjoy. It was hard. It was my fifth day in a row of exercise, including two classes yesterday -- one of them Pump -- and my body was just tired. My shoulders hurt and my knees hurt and my toe hurts where I tore the nail last night. I left before lunges. I just couldn't face them. This meant I did about 40 mins. I am trying to see the positive of having done that much.
I am working today -- really easy work of the first read-through of a manuscript. But my mind keeps wandering and my eyes keep blurring staring at the screen. I've done a bit of housework. Anything other than what I really should be doing. I don't know why today is so hard. I don't even have PMS. I feel guilty for feeling like this when my life is so easy. Maybe I'm just tired. I think I have found before that the fifth day of exercise in a row is bad, maybe it's still a bit much for me. I have to push myself hard -- but in moderation. Hmm.
Later:
At the shops both kids chose a packet of chips (crisps) for their Monday shopping treat. I got a punnet of strawberries for myself. I love strawberries, and a whole punnet to myself really is a treat this early in the season. But oh Gods I wanted those chips. Standing in the check-out queue I was seriously debating with myself whether I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted a family-size bag of cheezles with cream cheese in the middle. It was a close-run thing! I was literally nearly crying as I struggled with myself. If there had been a junk food display next to my register I don't know if I could have stayed strong.
Then the kids ate their chips in the car and I was inhaling that beautiful salty fatty potato smell. I wanted to ask them to share. But I felt that "just one" would be my undoing and I would end up crash-tackling my own children for their whole bag of chips. They finished at home, and when I was clearing up the empty packets I saw one tiny chip on Aiden's chair. So little, so tempting... I threw it in the bin.
In the end, I settled for having too much pasta at dinnertime and fatty Thousand Island dressing on my salad. I am feeling over-full and bloated, but much more at peace with something really satisfying in my stomach. I think I did pretty well today, after all.
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