Last day of 2016

Saturday:

Can't believe it's the last day of 2016. Happy New Year's Eve to everyone. (Is that a thing, or only "Happy New Year" tomorrow?)

I'm not going to talk too much about resolutions, hopes and dreams etc today because I've been sleeping really badly in the heat so I'm tired and headachy, and also have PMS so basically whatever I tried to say would probably come out as "life sucks and I'm a failure". Maybe I'll talk about that stuff tomorrow!

We've had a bit of a heatwave here. Day before yesterday I refused to leave the house (and air conditioning) at all, yesterday Tim convinced me that the movies would be nice and cool so we went out in the afternoon. I'd already done the grocery shopping in the morning, it was pretty hot. When we got to the movies we found that everything was sold out - we often buy tickets online ahead of time but for some reason yesterday we didn't. So that was a fail. We decided to buy some books Jasmine and I wanted while we were there (no bookshop at the local shops near us, this was a much bigger complex). They kept making announcements over the loudspeaker that the power was out in some parts of the complex, some shops were closed I think because their registers weren't working. We had to go to both bookshops to find the three books we wanted but were successful eventually.

But then I decided to use my gift voucher at a kitchenware shop to buy a spiraliser (turns vegetables into spaghetti). They put through the purchase with the voucher then I said "isn't there 20% off everything?" which they hadn't done. This put everyone into a panic! The check out girl didn't know how to reverse it when using a gift voucher, the other girl didn't, the person they called gave instructions over the phone which didn't help, finally an older woman came back from her break and issued me with a new gift card that supposedly has the rest of the money on it, I have no way of knowing and from the fuss and panic I am not that sanguine. I was there a really long time during all this, dripping sweat (maybe air con was one of the things not working with the power problem), kids bored, husband carrying the slumped ten-year-old like he was three, queue built up behind me. It really felt like we should have stayed home! But I got my spiraliser in the end and love it, made zucchini (courgette) and carrot noodles last night.

Today we arranged to go and see my grandfather, Poppa. We didn't see him at Christmas this year due to that side of the family being scattered to the four winds. Poppa is 98, still lives in his own home alone and looks after himself with only minimal help from son and daughter-in-law who live across the road. I love my Poppa, but admit I was dreading the visit just a little because he is pretty deaf now. Also very hot today. But it turned out fine. Two sets of aunts and uncles were also there so there was plenty of chat around the table. It's an hour drive each way so we don't "pop over" often but should definitely go more than we have been.

Tonight we aren't involved in a big NYE party, we've invited some family over but with all the new babies in the family I don't know if anyone will stay until midnight. I never stay up that late anyway! Tim wants to let the kids stay up this year, Jasmine would be fine but I think Aiden will get very tired. We'll see.

Happy NYE everyone, I hope you have a good night and that the new year starts well for you tomorrow.

New Years Eve

Thursday:

I woke this morning feeling rather depressed for no particular reason. Melancholy. I'm glad 2015 is over, I want to move on.

My resolutions are simple. Get healthy, which I've already started, and polish up my book and submit for publication. I can't control what happens to my novel after that but at least I can get it to as good as I am capable of, send it out there, and never regret what could have been.

I went out for a short walk first thing, only 15 minutes around the block but at least it was something! My feet are fine but the back of my legs just below the knee are a bit sunburned, also the backs of my arms, from lying face-down on the beach. Jasmine also got a bit singed here and there. We tried so hard, but we are just so fair-skinned. The boys, with slightly more olive skin, were fine. Later in the morning I did 15 minutes of Dance so that brought up my 30.

I was worried it was going to be a difficult day for food. We had the option of going into the city for a party at Tim's office with a good view of the fireworks over Sydney harbour (they have one session of fireworks at 9:00 for kids then another at 12:00, we would have just stayed for the early one) but decided to spend the evening with family instead, our first year back in Sydney. I wasn't worried about dinner at Nick and Ping's house, I was sure I could negotiate whatever they served, but then there was also all the treats in the evening to moderate! Could I just have a small amount, or would that open the floodgates? At least I could take all the leftover Christmas stuff from here and get it out of my house.

Then Tim arranged for us to pop around to his dad's place at lunchtime. I didn't mind a visit, even though we would be seeing him in the evening anyway, but lunchtime?! Another meal to negotiate. And I thought it would probably be pizza ordered in. Of course I could take along my own prepared lunch, and eat it while smelling delicious pepperoni. I'm really trying not to make things too hard for myself. So I asked Tim to change the time of the visit to make it not during a meal.

For breakfast I had yoghurt with a mango. I'd planned eggs for today but the mango looked and smelled awesome and I wanted something light and fresh. No reason not to shuffle my meals around. I've been doing that a lot already. Lunch was healthy leftovers. In the afternoon we went to Tim's dad's place for a while. I took along some grapes and they had cake and biscuits, I didn't eat anything but had a cup of tea. When we got home I lay on the bed for a while resting then started thinking about how I was going to allow myself to have some treats later in the evening and I was looking forward to it and I remembered I had lots of treats in my Christmas stocking and I got up and did some eating! Three fun-size cheese and bacon flavour Cheetos and a marshmallow Santa. 415 calories in all. Not a win for Natalie vs temptation! But I have the comfort of knowing that all the Cheetos are gone now. I have chocolate left but it is not a trigger food for me, I can choose to have a little bit and stop. Anything chip-like and I eat until it's gone. I'm pretty amazed those Cheetos stayed in the stocking for nearly a week!

One result of my little binge was that I felt a bit sick after. It wasn't even that much food, those fun-size bags are pretty small. Enough to make me feel ill. Oh, but they were so tasty! Salty and crunchy and cheesy. Maybe it was the sickly marshmallow that upset my tummy. It's going to be a while before I have a "take it or leave it" attitude to chips like I do to most sweet foods. I'll get there. Eventually.

We went to dinner at Nick and Pings. We ate roast duck, which is one of my favourites but very fatty. And some garlic bread. I had two bites of chocolate but no other snacks, no dessert and no alcohol. In the end about 700 calories over my normal daily budget. I'm ok with that for NYE.

We all played a dance game, having so many people I was only in every 4th dance, probably another 15-20 mins exercise. We watched the early fireworks on TV then played with sparklers outside.

Then some Guitar Hero, which is a single person game so I didn't think it was very good for a party, boring for the rest of us, then it was 10:00 and I brought the kids home to bed. I'm tired. Tim stayed at his brother's to see in midnight (I'll be asleep by then), he'll get a lift home later.

I'll leave you with a photo I took this afternoon of my bedroom in the late afternoon sunlight. I think it looks pretty.

Happy New Year everyone, and I hope 2016 is wonderful for us all.

Resolutions for 2015

Thursday:

I thought I should make a few resolutions. Three is a good number.

Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. (Monty Python)

1. First up, since this is a weight loss blog after all, I will continue to try to lose weight. I weighed 82.1 kg this morning. My plan is to do three dietbets in the first half of the year; which, if successful, should get me down under 75 kg. I've been trying to get there for years. I skimmed that weight for approximately three seconds when I was doing Weight Watchers, then went straight back up again. Losing 10% of my weight would be an awesome start, and then I'll see where I go from there.

2. Something that has become very relevant recently, I need to learn how to deal with stress. I don't mean to stop feeling sad, worried, angry, or whatever emotion is appropriate to the situation - but I do need to cope with it better when it over a long period. Right now I have so much trouble sleeping and my stomach is churning most of the time, and any tiny extra problem like a change to plans or having to disagree with someone or being asked to come out of my cave just tips me over into a crying jag, or nausea, or a spike of adrenalin into "fight or flight" mode.

I suck at meditation but obviously some kind of calming technique is needed. Breathing exercises or something. My mind is always on a hamster wheel, even when I'm not particularly stressed, so I think it would help me through "normal times" as well as bad.

3. Polish my book, let others read it and comment, finish editing and look for a publisher! And write/start on the sequel. I am a procrastinator and I let everything get in the way of what I really want. Any excuse will do. Sometimes its a valid excuse, often it isn't. But I did some great work in 2014, if a bit more slowly than I would like, and I will continue that.

Three will do. I hope everyone had a great NYE.

2014 Highlights and lowlights

Wednesday:

Here we are on the last day of the year. The highlight of 2014 for me was writing my book. I was hoping to have it polished by now, ready for people to read and comment on, but at least I completed a whole book! And did one round of editing. Obviously the major lowlight has been my mum's health. She's mostly had a good year - given that she has terminal cancer - but these last couple of months she has been going from bad to worse.

Those two things stand out so strongly for me that I can't even think of any other 2014 events right now. Oh well, I've got a whole blog to reread if I feel inspired to check.

My weight has fluctuated a little bit throughout the year, not much, and I am ending 2014 at the same weight I started. I was 82.5 kg on 1st Jan and I was 82.7 kg yesterday. At this moment I really don't care. I'm sure it will become a priority again at some point.

One of the stressors in the past couple of weeks has been mum's Will. She made a new one when she first got sick last year, but recently wanted to make a change to it. We wrote it up (my husband is a lawyer) but it was really difficult to get two witnesses at the same time who weren't beneficiaries, at the hospital when mum could barely hold a pen to sign. We finally got it done, and I gave a copy to my uncle who is the executor. Then today my uncle contacts me and says the will is not valid because blah blah with reference and you'll need to do it again even though mum is barely conscious most of the time. Um, no sir, that is the Act for another state and doesn't apply in mum's state see this actually relevant reference and by the way you do know that my husband is an effing lawyer? (I didn't say that last bit). Sigh. The new Will pleased all the relevant parties (mum, me and my brother) and I hope my uncle isn't going to be a pain about it.

I hope everyone has a lovely NYE and a wonderful New Year.

No control

Tuesday:

I'm a planner. A planner and a worrier. Christmas was a stressful time, going back and forth between hospital and various family events. I was only able to cope because Tim and I sat down and made a plan about where we would be each day. We have a beach holiday coming up, fully paid in advance and non-refundable, and at the moment we are still planning to go but not sure if we will be able to, depending on mum's condition. I took some comfort that at least I had this period in between the two when I had some control, Tim was home to look after the kids so I could just hire a car and go and spend as much time with mum as I needed to, making my own plans about when to go and where to stay.

Now even that has been taken away. Firstly, Tim decided that he wanted to come to Sydney too with the kids, a couple of days earlier than I had planned, so we could spend New Year's Eve with his brother and no doubt other members of his family. I have never felt less like socialising. And it would also leave us travelling on a couple of the busiest days of the year, and me looking for food when everything was closed. And then I tried to book a hire car and that part fell apart too. They were all about three times the price I expected, around $100 per day, and no-one had a depot anywhere near Tim's brother's house, and they were either closed on New Year's Day or on Sundays or wouldn't let me pick up in Sydney and drop off in Canberra even though they had depots in both places and Canberra is in a tiny state completely surrounded by New South Wales so we practically count as being part of it.

What had been a simple plan to visit my mother now seemed like a nightmare. On top of dealing with my mother's illness and staying at my mother's house (I considered a hotel, but again that was very expensive and also further away from the hospital), I have to work out what to do about all the rest. Tim has suggested I keep the car and he and the kids catch the bus back to Canberra - there is a very good service but it goes from the centre of the city so it will be quite a big hassle for them getting in from the suburbs. Either I spend New Year's Eve trying to smile and be social or I drop Tim and the kids there and spend NYE without them at my mother's house, either way with them catching the bus home and me eating McDonalds for every meal with everything else closed because there is no way I am going in that revolting kitchen, or else I stay here in Canberra alone and wait until they bring the car back so I can go on the day I originally planned. And they will be left here without a car for however long I am away, which will be difficult for them.

I hate this so much. Tim isn't being unreasonable about wanting to have some fun on NYE, but between that and the hire car companies I feel like all my control over the situation has been taken away. What I had was an illusion anyway, I have no control over my mother's illness, but I was clinging to that illusion to keep me sane. I went to bed and cried for two hours last night, slept for maybe four hours, and then got up at dawn to write this because I was lying there with my stomach churning with stress. Remembering the good old days as a teenager when I used to cut myself because physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. I can't take refuge in that any more. I have to just deal with it.

Edit: of course as soon as I told Tim how he was feeling he said we would make other arrangements that worked better for me.