Cake

Tuesday:

I caught up on Game of Thrones this afternoon. Bad move. No spoilers, but something sad happens - gee who saw that coming? I'm thinking it was the show combined with recent life events that made me break down and cry and cry and cry. Probably good for me, but it didn't feel good. My chest hurt for half an hour afterward.

I made a bad decision with food today. I'd been wanting some of my favourite cake from a local bakery for a few days or longer, but they only sell it by the half or whole big cake which is way too much. Yet inferior cakes aren't good enough, it had to be this one! Today I decided to buy the half and take it to my friends' house for afternoon tea between six people - a hearty slice each. But she cancelled so I was left with half a chocolate layer cake between me and my kids.

And the cake is a great example of something I was thinking about this morning. I get a lot of pleasure from food, and I hate the thought of giving up everything I like to lose weight. But I distinguish between eating something I really enjoy, and eating whatever because I am bored or stressed or because it is there in front of me. Today I did both. The first slice was lovely, just what I had been looking forward to, and I didn't regret it. An hour later, a second slice that I didn't really want but in some sense I guess I did because I ate it, made me feel a bit sick and I certainly regretted that one! I need to enjoy the good food, whether healthy or not, and stop eating stuff that makes me feel bad rather than good. I do know the difference - even before I eat it! But if it's there in front of me...

So, it's been suggested I return to my report card. I was kind of hoping things would improve first, but that hasn't happened yet, so here I go.

Report card:
Diet: Poor.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Ok.
Sleep: Poor.
Mental health: Mostly ok. Except when George R R Martin rips my heart out of my chest.

No control

Tuesday:

I'm a planner. A planner and a worrier. Christmas was a stressful time, going back and forth between hospital and various family events. I was only able to cope because Tim and I sat down and made a plan about where we would be each day. We have a beach holiday coming up, fully paid in advance and non-refundable, and at the moment we are still planning to go but not sure if we will be able to, depending on mum's condition. I took some comfort that at least I had this period in between the two when I had some control, Tim was home to look after the kids so I could just hire a car and go and spend as much time with mum as I needed to, making my own plans about when to go and where to stay.

Now even that has been taken away. Firstly, Tim decided that he wanted to come to Sydney too with the kids, a couple of days earlier than I had planned, so we could spend New Year's Eve with his brother and no doubt other members of his family. I have never felt less like socialising. And it would also leave us travelling on a couple of the busiest days of the year, and me looking for food when everything was closed. And then I tried to book a hire car and that part fell apart too. They were all about three times the price I expected, around $100 per day, and no-one had a depot anywhere near Tim's brother's house, and they were either closed on New Year's Day or on Sundays or wouldn't let me pick up in Sydney and drop off in Canberra even though they had depots in both places and Canberra is in a tiny state completely surrounded by New South Wales so we practically count as being part of it.

What had been a simple plan to visit my mother now seemed like a nightmare. On top of dealing with my mother's illness and staying at my mother's house (I considered a hotel, but again that was very expensive and also further away from the hospital), I have to work out what to do about all the rest. Tim has suggested I keep the car and he and the kids catch the bus back to Canberra - there is a very good service but it goes from the centre of the city so it will be quite a big hassle for them getting in from the suburbs. Either I spend New Year's Eve trying to smile and be social or I drop Tim and the kids there and spend NYE without them at my mother's house, either way with them catching the bus home and me eating McDonalds for every meal with everything else closed because there is no way I am going in that revolting kitchen, or else I stay here in Canberra alone and wait until they bring the car back so I can go on the day I originally planned. And they will be left here without a car for however long I am away, which will be difficult for them.

I hate this so much. Tim isn't being unreasonable about wanting to have some fun on NYE, but between that and the hire car companies I feel like all my control over the situation has been taken away. What I had was an illusion anyway, I have no control over my mother's illness, but I was clinging to that illusion to keep me sane. I went to bed and cried for two hours last night, slept for maybe four hours, and then got up at dawn to write this because I was lying there with my stomach churning with stress. Remembering the good old days as a teenager when I used to cut myself because physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. I can't take refuge in that any more. I have to just deal with it.

Edit: of course as soon as I told Tim how he was feeling he said we would make other arrangements that worked better for me.