Doctors

Thursday:

Wow, isn't time just flying by!

We've had some cool rainy weeks, great for the garden and putting out bushfires but it doesn't seem like summer. I'm back at work so I'm not seeing the sun much.

I had a few days off this week and ran around trying to get everything done, as you do. One thing was going to the doctor to follow up on some issues. I've put on a bit more weight and my sleep apnoea has come back, leaving me snoring and waking frequently when I stop breathing (when I was first diagnosed it was 15 times an hour - every 4 minutes - but losing weight seemed to fix the problem). I was exhausted all the time. But once I realised what was causing my tiredness, I still felt very resistant to using my CPAP machine again. Even the relatively quiet and comfortable version I have is still noisy and intrusive. There is a huge heavy tube hanging off my face! And warm moist air blowing up my nose. But sleep apnoea is dangerous - I literally stop breathing and have to wake myself up to breathe again. So instead I am back on Duromine. I am feeling very determined to get my weight back down, and it's so much easier with the Duromine. It just shuts off the switch that makes me crave food all the time, even when I'm not hungry. Yet I really enjoy the food I do eat! I'm satisfied with a small amount of deliciousness. Hopefully a few weeks of losing weight will get the fatty weight off my neck and let me breathe better when asleep.

I had an itchy mole that we have taken a photo of to check for changes. And (TMI warning!) another serious issue is that I've noticed some blood after wiping on the toilet. My GP sent me to a specialist, and his examination found haemorrhoids but they didn't seem to be bleeding so he put me on the waiting list for a colonoscopy so they can make sure nothing sinister is going on. It will probably be a couple of months wait. I'm not actually worried, but it's important to get these things checked. We have a lot of cancer history in my family.

My GP also sent me to get some blood tests done, we discussed so many things that now I'm not even sure what they were for!

So, that is my life at the moment. How is yours?

Worries

Friday:

I stayed home sick again today. Overall I feel a bit better, but I coughed half the night and woke with a horrible sinus headache, and I’m just constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose. Really not an appropriate time to work in a library, infecting everyone and making lots of gross noises. My little library is closed on Fridays so I was supposed to be back in the main library. At least they had two other staff today!

I had had a worrying phone call yesterday. A hospital was trying to get in touch with my brother Darren about him having a procedure at 6:30am the next day. So he’s put me as a contact, which is a good thing, but I couldn’t pass on the information because I can never get through in a hurry either!  His phone always goes straight to messages, which I don’t know if he even listens to, and it can be weeks before he reads emails. I think he rarely collects his snail mail too. He doesn’t like touching the mailbox. Or anything, really. He has OCD and a phobia of germs. It’s impossible. I could drive for an hour to his house, but I don’t know if he’d even be there or be awake. And it was too late anyway for this, the info included that he had to be fasting and what’s the point of telling him that 12 hours after the fast was to start? They’d probably been trying to call him for a week. After failing to get through to him all afternoon I tried to call the hospital back but I think they’d all gone home for the day. I missed a call early this morning that I assume was the hospital asking where the hell he was... and it will happen all over again when he reschedules.

Of course the real worry is that the procedure was a colonoscopy. Which I assume means a test for cancer. What the hell is it with this family and cancer? My father-in-law just had a biopsy and we’re waiting to hear how advanced his cancer is. And his wife has lung cancer. Both my parents (and Darren’s, obviously) died of cancer five years ago. I don’t have to worry about dying of heart disease, cancer will get me first.

Darren might not be comfortable with me knowing, at this stage. In my messages I didn’t mention that I knew what the procedure was.

He needs a phone that works. Maybe go back to a landline. And he needs to get internet access so he doesn’t have to go to the library to read his email. He needs to be contactable. I couldn’t tell him when Poppa got hurt, or about family functions, or anything.  He retreats further and further away from the rest of the world.

More cancer

Sunday:

There's been some bad health news in the family recently - and at work too. My father-in-law Des has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and it has spread too much to operate on. They are going to treat him with hormones - which worries him a great deal, he jokes about getting breasts and turning gay but is obviously trying to cover how scared he is that he will be changed by it. The survival rate for prostate cancer is very good, 95% five years after diagnosis, but survival isn't the only factor in a happy life. And his wife (married this January) has lung cancer, also inoperable, she responded well to treatment but overall it's a big worry. They really need to move out of where they are living, which is on a very steep block and not at all friendly to people with old knees and arthritis and cancer.

We found out about Des a couple of weeks ago, Tim contacted me at work. I was staffing the front desk but had to leave for a while to get myself under control.

Although Jo isn't strictly my children's grandmother (step-grandmother?), as Jasmine said now all four of her grandparents have/had cancer. Both my parents died of it five years ago. Now Tim's dad and step-mother. His own mother died of complications from multiple sclerosis.

My workmate Linh has asthma and has been really wheezy for the past week, possibly due to a lot of smoke in the air as the city is doing controlled burns of bushland (forest) to protect from bushfires. My boss contacted me today to let me know that Linh had collapsed on the weekend and was in hospital - she wanted to tell us in person but had to let me know because it affected Monday morning - I'll be staffing the little library on Linh's days as well as my own until she is better. Poor Linh, she sounded so breathless last time I spoke to her on the phone on Thursday.

Appreciate the health you have while you have it!

Milestone

Monday:

This morning I weighed 75.9 kg, another 0.7 kg lost. Under 76 kg is a big milestone for me. I remember quite clearly that when my weight was on the way up, sometime after getting married (when I got down to 69 kg) but I'm not sure when exactly, 76 kg was the point where I really started to feel uncomfortable with how I looked. I'm not going to say I hated myself or any part of my body, but at that point I went from just wanting to lose weight to really feeling fat. Weight loss went from a casual desire to one of the big issues of my life, something to struggle with nearly every day since. Getting back under that is awesome, and having someone notice my weight loss yesterday a bonus!

I am terrible at taking selfies, but this is me today.

I had another phone role-play exam this morning, this one about helping a customer find fiction to read ('I really liked Bridget Jones's Diary, do you have anything else like that?). I was a bit nervous already, I like written exams but not face-to-face (or in this case .... mouth-to-ear?), I get performance anxiety, but it went ok. I hadn't realised that the preparation I'd done on the weekend was only for a practice example, but I was given time to prepare the real thing before the phone chat.

My father-in-law's partner Jo didn't come to dinner last night. She's had four weeks of chemo and radiotherapy, with two to go, and is starting to feel pretty sick from it. Des tries to stay upbeat but I think he is pretty worried. I sent food home with him but I don't know if she'll be able to eat it. Cancer is a real bastard.

We've been keeping an eye on the weather forecast as we want to have a pool-warming party now that it is finished and landscaped, but the temperature has tended to plummet on the weekends. We're heading into Christmas season when everyone is very busy so we've just made a decision and are having the party in a couple of weeks, before everyone's time gets booked up. We'll heat the pool and just hope we don't get a storm or something! Warm/hot weather would be nice, please weather gods.

And I get two more weeks before everyone sees me in a swimming costume...

Health worries

Tuesday:

Things were looking very worrying here this morning. My father-in-law Des was very sick with the flu, and went to the emergency room last night with a high temperature and possible pneumonia. His partner Jo is just starting chemotherapy for her lung cancer which is obviously going to make her feel even more rotten than she already feels, and she needs to be driven to and from the hospital twice a day and probably help with meals and stuff too. Her family lives in another state. So they were in a pretty bad situation. Of course we were all going to rally around and help out, drive Jo back and forth and cook etc. Luckily we have few commitments this week and don't live too far away, Nick and Ping too but they have two young children. But we got news later in the day that Des is feeling much better and they seem to be able to cope without us for the moment. We're available if they need us.

Jasmine is much better today too and even went to her acrogym practice. I think she had hayfever, Tim and I have had symptoms too. All that spring pollen.

Tim and I spent a lot of today in the garden, more digging and digging and digging. My hands are stinging and sore from wielding a shovel, and Tim has a blood blister from using the pick. I rather enjoy wrestling with the stony soil. I hope to buy lots more plants tomorrow.

Good and bad

Saturday:

Starting with the good news: this morning Tim and I were out the back discussing the soft landscaping (plants) and we saw Craig in his backyard (we have a high fence but if we are on the high part of our backyard and he is in the low part of his, we can see each other) so we called him over to ask how he felt about the heat pump noise. "Is it on right now?" he asked. I almost danced with glee. He was about 2 metres away from it and he couldn't hear it! So yay. He says it's fine, our air conditioner and the pump in the shed are louder (possibly an ungracious way to give in, to mention our other noises) and we had a nice chat. So the heat pump is fine, we can get on with the landscaping. Only one more hurdle to go - "final inspection" of the pool from the council. They already approved the fences, so I don't know what problem there could be, but you never know! I'll organise that on Monday, I was waiting to hear if we needed to move the heat pump first.

Now the bad news. I mentioned a few weeks ago that my father-in-law Des's partner Jo (they've been together at least 5 years but could be longer) found out she had lung cancer. Apparently she did smoke for 50 years. She is 70 years old and very obese, so the prognosis didn't seem good. The doctors spent a few weeks doing more painful tests - she wanted to get the lump removed straight away but there were frustrating delays - then operated yesterday, planning to remove the affected lobe of her lung. But the cancer had already moved into her chest. They closed her up without removing the lobe, no point. When we heard from Des last night, Jo was still recovering from the operation and didn't know yet. But this is obviously very bad news. They are going to try chemo and/or radiotherapy and ever-optimistic Des thinks she still could have a good few years. Having had both my parents die from cancer, I am more pessimistic. I feel very sorry for Des, he looked after his sick wife for years before she died about 10 years ago, now he is going to go through it again. I don't know if we'll be visiting her in hospital this weekend, we'll see what she wants us to do.

Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic. Some people respond very well to treatment. I tend to expect the worst, I think.

Today we did a lot of gardening, just about all the dirt is moved to where we want it. It was beautiful outside, like spring which is only a week away. Lots of hard physical labour with shovel and wheelbarrow. I had a lot of energy today. No interest in sitting inside, I wanted to be outside doing! The dry mouth was much less today which is great. Good appetite control.

Staff development day

Monday:

The kids were supposedly back at school today (and Tim back at work) but after I sent Aiden off on his bike I got a call from his school to say it was staff development day (pupil-free) and was there someone home for them to send Aiden home to? Of course I said yes and he rode back. Freezing cold, we snuggled back in bed together for a while. I knew Jasmine has a day off next week but no idea about Aiden's. Despite frequent attempts I can't seem to get his school newsletter automatically emailed to me and I often forget to check their website so I miss things.

I continue to gain weight. 84.1 kg this morning. Since I am very short, that is a horrible number. I've gained more than 2 kg in the past three weeks, which is very fast for me. Usually I gain slowly and lose slowly. It's depressing. I'm not sleeping well, it's cold, I'm a bit bored, all things that encourage me to eat more. I've found that exercise triggers me to eat a lot more too. I need to get this under control. It's not a weird unexplained weight gain, it is very easily explained.

I see the exercise physio tomorrow then the dietician on Wednesday. Not sure what I am going to say to her.

We've had bad news in the family. My father-in-law's partner, together at least five years maybe more (he is a widower), has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. Jo doesn't smoke, I don't know if she used to. They are still doing more tests and biopsies but they may have to remove the lung, or part of it. She is 70 and morbidly obese, I don't think surgery would have a good outcome. Her sister died recently of cancer. Very scary for her. If she does come through an operation she is going to have a hard time getting around with only one lung, she already has lots of hip and knee problems and not being able to breathe fully would be horrible. We're hoping for good news from the tests that they don't need to operate.

Risk factors

Tuesday:

I just read that Bob Harper, the trainer/host from America's Biggest Loser, had a serious heart attack at the gym and was saved by a doctor there but unconscious for two days. He is now limiting his exercise to walking. It is scary how someone so fit their entire life, as far as I know doing all the right things, can still have a life-threatening health event out of the blue. He is 51 years old.

It made me think of my mum and her sister. My mum was unhealthy all her life: overweight, asthma, sinus issues, allergies. Her sister was slim and fit with no apparent health issues. But they both died of cancer within two months of each other. My mum was 73. Aunty Bev was 66.

It doesn't mean we can give up trying to improve our health but... we are not in complete control. Not at all. We can only minimise risks, not eliminate them.

My dad and both my grandmothers also died of various forms of cancer. I guess that's how I'll be going, when I go. No better or worse than most other ways, I figure.

Lollipop Playland and dad

Monday:

Today I took the kids to Lollipop Playland, the indoor playground next to the airport. It has a teacup ride:

And a big slide:

And climbing thingies:

And a couple of ball pits (this one is actually in the toddler area, there is also a bigger one):

Apart from one early incident where another boy was too rough with Aiden, they played happily together for more than two hours. I read and played with my iPhone and watched the planes take off and land outside the window. The play equipment looked really fun and I was kind of wishing I could join in, which would also be great exercise. Then as we were leaving I saw the big board of rules at the entrance and it mentioned that adults are welcome on the equipment! Maybe next time.

We had lunch at the foodcourt there before we went in. Aiden had Subway, Jasmine and I had roast chicken and hot chips (I only had about eight chips). I was still pretty hungry so I went into the supermarket and bought a banana! I was pretty proud of myself. We also got fruit as snacks for the kids to have when they needed a break from having fun, and I brought along a big bottle of water from home. When we came out of Lollipop Playland, the kids with the lollipop they give at the exit, I was really craving something... anything bad! I wavered quite a bit but then decided I would have something semi-bad at home instead of giving in and having something really bad at the shops. When we got home I had some Cruskits with vegemite and cheese. Not exactly healthy, but at least it wasn't all bad and had some protein from the cheese. And it satisfied my craving for crunch and salt.

Shortly after we got home, dad's girlfriend Wendy called. She is a very nice lady, but I find her very difficult to talk to. She talks round and round the subject and repeats herself (so many times!) and can't answer a straight question. It can be hard not to get impatient when I really want some information from her (of course I try very hard to be nice! and I think I always succeed). Today she called to say she had finally received dad's Death Certificate with his cause of death (determined by the coroner). She is sending it to my Uncle Greg, who is the executor of dad's Will, so I think I'll have to wait until then to get the full story, but what I did learn was that there was both heart disease and throat cancer. He'd had heart problems for years, and a double bypass long ago, but cancer had never been diagnosed. He did have a bad cough for a couple of months before he died, but that was put down to a chest infection. He wasn't a smoker, but I suppose you can get cancer anywhere. So that is both my parents dying of cancer.

The last couple of months, as you may have read here, money has been sprinting out of our bank account for various home repairs and minor improvements. And now I think we need a new fridge and a new car! The first two times the fridge shelves broke I was able to buy replacements. The third time, they said the model was too old and they didn't make parts any more. So we've had only two shelves in an already small fridge for a long time now. We didn't want to replace the fridge because we've been thinking about moving house for several years, and were hoping for a bigger kitchen with space for a bigger fridge. But now our fridge has turned into a giant freezer, presumably something wrong with the thermostat. Things that shouldn't be frozen are getting ruined. It's time to replace it, even if we are maybe moving soon. Who knows, we've been saying that for about five years now! Can't put essential things off forever.

The car is 13 years old and starting to feel her age. Needing repairs more often, being less reliable. It's a much bigger expense than a fridge, but at least it's not something that matters whether we move soon or not! We don't buy new, at least in the past we've always gone for a car a couple of years old. It's just a hassle researching and test driving. We've been very happy with this car.

What I really want is a new house!

Report card:
Diet: Good. Resisted lots of bad stuff while we were out.
          Breakfast: Two poached eggs. Orange. Tea.
          Lunch: Small quarter chicken in lemon sauce. Eight hot chips. Banana. Tea.
          Afternoon: Cruskits with vegemite and cheese. Tea.
          Dinner: Two trimmed lamb loin chops. Broccoli in cheese sauce. Salad. Hot chocolate.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good. Kept the CPAP on until 6am then went back to sleep for another hour and a half. Best sleep for weeks.
Mental health: A bit down about dad, but otherwise ok.

Bumpy day

Friday:

There is a fun run coming up on Mother's Day that is raising funds for breast cancer research, so there are ads on TV and conversations on my Facebook feed about it. Every time I see the pink ribbon or a pink Tshirt I am reminded that my mother just died of breast cancer three months ago. I am definitely not ready to be involved in something like this, and I also really wish I didn't have to see it and be reminded all day long. I think about my mum often anyway, usually something like "I need to tell mum that, oh I can't" and feel sad but not too horrible. For some reason all this media about breast cancer hits me much worse. Maybe because they are talking about trying to save people but they couldn't save my mum. Even if they find a cure it will be for other people, too late for mum. It's like a punch in the stomach every single time.

Of course I want them to find a cure for other people, and who knows maybe me and my daughter one day, but I just can't deal with it right now.

I also have stuff about mum's estate still going on - nothing bad, it just takes so long! Seeing my brother tomorrow about it and had an email from the probate lawyer today. It's all normal but it means I can't put that financial side behind me, it's not over yet, it feels like it will never be over. Filling in endless forms and getting photocopies certified and discussions with the executor and this is all for a fairly straightforward uncontested Will. I just want to put it behind me. To be able to think about my mother without the taint of money hassles or the slap of remembering how she died.

I had one of my more restless nights so I am feeling tired today. It is very grey and cold. We spent the morning shopping - shoes for Aiden and myself (walking shoes for me), winter clothes for Jasmine - then grocery shopping. The kids got hungry and I am trying to cut down on holiday junk food, especially with the less-controlled weekend coming up, so we went to the fruit shop and bought some grapes for them. I didn't have any, no fruit on a low carb day allowed after breakfast. I knew I would be ok until lunch time, a stir-fry I made at home.

Eating normal amounts of healthy food can feel strange sometimes. I will finish a meal feeling no longer hungry, but not exactly full either. It is vaguely unsatisfying, I suppose because it is not what I am used to! Last night I had a big serve of really delicious casserole and I must admit I do like that full feeling. I knew about three quarters of the way through my plate that it was time to stop, but I didn't. So warm and cosy and filling. I think winter is going to be tough, but as long as I make sure I am eating lots of vegetables I should be ok. I am definitely more hungry today, not sure if it's the cold or if it's because I'm on second low carb day in a row.

Bit of confusion tonight. Jasmine had been invited to a sleepover which she thought was in two weeks, because that is when her friend's birthday is. But I got a text from the mother after dinner asking if Jas was coming... tonight! That is what happens when you let eleven-year-olds email back and forth to arrange something! So Jas had already had dinner and also we'll have to pick her up early tomorrow, but the girls still wanted to do it so Tim is driving her over now. It's not that close either, 20 minutes, because the friend has recently moved away from our suburb, so she'll be getting there close to her usual bedtime and leaving at breakfast! I suppose they'll still have all night to giggle in.

For various reasons I am really struggling with cravings tonight. Being strong so far, but not as confident as I have been this week about staying clean. Chocolate is calling me. I have made the firm decision "no" but the desire keeps coming back. I just have to hold out until tomorrow. Maybe I could stay up until midnight then it will be my treat day.

Report card:
Diet: Good. Maybe great. It's hard to believe it was great, today, the way I feel right now.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good compliance, poor sleep.
Mental health: Poor.

Edit: about three seconds after posting this I went and stuffed myself with chocolate. And instantly felt a bit better emotionally, as well as physically feeling a bit sick. Well, it happens. This is not a diet fail. I am putting that behind me and moving on.

Aunt Beverley

Monday:

I slept really well last night; according to my fitbit I barely moved a muscle all night. It was a great catch up. But then I logged on to my email to the news that my aunt died yesterday of inoperable stomach cancer. She was only diagnosed less than two weeks ago. And only about ten weeks since my mum, her older sister, died of cancer. My aunt Beverley was only 66. It's very sad. My cousin Kim and I have been messaging and she said "I'm still in shock. The pain is unbearable." I've discussed here before about whether it's better to have warning of a loved-one's death, and I've decided definitely yes. I had a year to get used to the idea that my mum was going to die soon, it was hard but I was prepared and I'd spent time with her first. My aunt was diagnosed less than two weeks ago. Ten days, I think. That is still a little time, I guess, but not much. I think a sudden death, like a car accident, would be the worst. You would probably feel so many things left unsaid, guilt for not resolving an argument or not being a perfect daughter or whatever, cheated that you didn't get to spend any more time with them. They are just suddenly gone. Even though it means seeing your loved-one in pain, knowing ahead of time still gives you some time for resolution. And my mum had time to settle her affairs and say goodbye and was ready to die. I didn't even have time to visit my aunt in another city, I found out last Wednesday.

I had already decided that after the weekend, what I needed today was a long walk out in the autumn sunshine. And after that news, even more so. It just seemed much more appealing than sweating it out at the gym or jumping around my lounge room. So I went to the lake with the warm sun and fresh breeze and the water views and the trees thinking about turning to autumn colours.

 

I was tired by the end of the 5K and also hungry. I had brought an apple in the car but after I dropped it onto concrete twice and it rolled into a filthy gutter I decided against eating it. I had to wait until I got to the shops and then had a banana. Grocery shopping was weird, they had hardly anything I wanted in the meat section. I plan my meals ahead of time and get a bit frazzled if I have to make last minute changes. So I just bought ingredients for the next two days then I'll shop again. No whole chickens, raw or cooked?! No beef ribs for casserole?! No steak that looked up to my high standards! And then I went to my favourite rotisserie chicken shop to buy lunch and guess what: no chickens ready for takeaway! 25 minute wait! Bugger that. Too hungry to wait. It was a bit annoying, as well as having some for lunch with salad it would have been the basis of the kids' lunches for a couple of days. Is there some kind of protein shortage in Canberra today? I made a less-healthy choice instead.

As well as the cake, we had a few things left over from the party. I put a couple of tempting things away in the cupboard. Why? Because a) at some point in the next few days it was magically going to be ok for me to binge on them? or b) I wanted to binge on them and if they were there I could, and then blame it on my poor judgement in keeping them? Not "current self's" fault for eating them, it was "past self's" fault for keeping them. Guess which is the right answer. But last night after I went to bed I got up and put them in the bin, carefully pouring the contents out so they couldn't be salvaged. So good job there. I definitely would have eaten them today. Now we only have stuff that doesn't tempt me. And they will go to supper tonight with Tim and his D&D friends.

I weighed myself this morning, a small increase after the weekend but nothing too dramatic. But my weight has crept up all fortnight - with three weekend events in a row - and I am above last month's weigh-in for dietbet. Yet I need to lose 3% from that winning point in the next fortnight. I really don't think there is any possible way to make this month's goal without losing a limb. Yet I am not giving up. The point of doing a six month dietbet is so I won't give up just because one month is going badly. I just have to keep trying for that end goal. It's a struggle, but one that has to continue for my health's sake. It will continue to be tricky, I imagine we will be travelling soon for my aunt's funeral, and then the following weekend is Easter and I love chocolate.

Report card:
Diet: Ok. Bad lunch, but good the rest of the day. I'm glad I took action last night to avoid a binge today. Because I really wanted those Malteasers.
Exercise: Good. 11,500 steps.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Sad. I am not looking forward to the funeral, whenever that is. I can feel the roomful of misery already. It is going to be hard to keep it together.

The End

Wednesday:

My mother died this afternoon at 5:40pm, peacefully in hospital. My brother went to visit and must have just missed her last breaths, she was still warm. He called me as soon as he got home.

No control

Tuesday:

I'm a planner. A planner and a worrier. Christmas was a stressful time, going back and forth between hospital and various family events. I was only able to cope because Tim and I sat down and made a plan about where we would be each day. We have a beach holiday coming up, fully paid in advance and non-refundable, and at the moment we are still planning to go but not sure if we will be able to, depending on mum's condition. I took some comfort that at least I had this period in between the two when I had some control, Tim was home to look after the kids so I could just hire a car and go and spend as much time with mum as I needed to, making my own plans about when to go and where to stay.

Now even that has been taken away. Firstly, Tim decided that he wanted to come to Sydney too with the kids, a couple of days earlier than I had planned, so we could spend New Year's Eve with his brother and no doubt other members of his family. I have never felt less like socialising. And it would also leave us travelling on a couple of the busiest days of the year, and me looking for food when everything was closed. And then I tried to book a hire car and that part fell apart too. They were all about three times the price I expected, around $100 per day, and no-one had a depot anywhere near Tim's brother's house, and they were either closed on New Year's Day or on Sundays or wouldn't let me pick up in Sydney and drop off in Canberra even though they had depots in both places and Canberra is in a tiny state completely surrounded by New South Wales so we practically count as being part of it.

What had been a simple plan to visit my mother now seemed like a nightmare. On top of dealing with my mother's illness and staying at my mother's house (I considered a hotel, but again that was very expensive and also further away from the hospital), I have to work out what to do about all the rest. Tim has suggested I keep the car and he and the kids catch the bus back to Canberra - there is a very good service but it goes from the centre of the city so it will be quite a big hassle for them getting in from the suburbs. Either I spend New Year's Eve trying to smile and be social or I drop Tim and the kids there and spend NYE without them at my mother's house, either way with them catching the bus home and me eating McDonalds for every meal with everything else closed because there is no way I am going in that revolting kitchen, or else I stay here in Canberra alone and wait until they bring the car back so I can go on the day I originally planned. And they will be left here without a car for however long I am away, which will be difficult for them.

I hate this so much. Tim isn't being unreasonable about wanting to have some fun on NYE, but between that and the hire car companies I feel like all my control over the situation has been taken away. What I had was an illusion anyway, I have no control over my mother's illness, but I was clinging to that illusion to keep me sane. I went to bed and cried for two hours last night, slept for maybe four hours, and then got up at dawn to write this because I was lying there with my stomach churning with stress. Remembering the good old days as a teenager when I used to cut myself because physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. I can't take refuge in that any more. I have to just deal with it.

Edit: of course as soon as I told Tim how he was feeling he said we would make other arrangements that worked better for me.

Christmas contrasts

Saturday:

I'm back in Canberra for a few days before I return to Sydney (alone) to spend more time with mum.

So I found out Monday afternoon that mum had been in hospital since Friday, and my brother hadn't told me. I debated whether I should drop everything and go, but my brother said she was in no immediate danger and we decided to spend the afternoon scrambling to get ready for Christmas and leave in the morning. I didn't get a lot of sleep after that decision! How much could I trust my brother's assessment? I did try ringing mum's mobile, but apparently she put it on a lunch tray and it got taken away and never returned - probably in the trash somewhere - of course I didn't find that out until later so I kept trying; and I called the hospital but at the time she was off having an MRI. So I spoke to a nurse but not to her.

Anyway, Tuesday morning we each opened one present because they weren't all going to fit in the car - we each opened the biggest one! Then the car was carefully loaded, including bags under feet and on laps. Not the most comfortable for a four hour drive. But we are big on presents in our family, especially on my husband's side. We got to Sydney and picked up mum's house key from my brother then went to the hospital.

I saw her only two weeks before and at that time she was obviously tired and unwell, but still very much herself. On Tuesday she was much worse. She didn't recognise me for a minute when I walked in, she thought I was someone else's visitor looking for a chair. Scary. She only realised it was me when Tim and the kids followed me around the curtain. She was better the rest of the visit, alert enough most of the time to go through some mail with me - we opened Christmas cards and arranged for me to pay a bill for her - but she needed to close her eyes and rest often. She needed assistance to get from bed to chair briefly so they could change her sheets. My brother said she had barely eaten in the weeks before she went into hospital, and she still wasn't. She'd had a drip for a few days but it was making her fluid retention worse and they had taken it out.

She made it clear to the doctors that she no longer wanted the cancer treatment which was making her feel so sick and not doing much good, she just wants palliative care to make her last days easier. All she wants is a private room instead of being in with three others, she is waiting for one to become available. With no hope of improvement, she doesn't see the point of hanging on. I accept this, as it is how I would feel in that situation. It is interesting that my husband's family feels the opposite, they think she needs treatment for depression so she'll have the will to live longer. Yet Tim's mother died very slowly after decades of gradual decline (MS), with a loss of all physical and mental function, and I think that would be much worse than dying relatively quickly.

We left at dinner time and weren't sure if my brother had planned for us to have dinner with him and I couldn't get through on the phone so we went to a restaurant. Then when we got back to the house he had just got back from visiting mum and was starting to prepare food for us. We pretended to eat a little bit (very late for the kids!). We were a bit dubious about eating anything he had arranged. He has OCD and hoards food. Decaying, rotting food. The house stinks and now mum isn't there (he lives with mum) it's only going to get worse. We stayed there the night, in the smell and the dust. Tim's asthma got quite bad overnight.

The next day we visited mum again then went to the other side of Sydney to our hotel. My family and my husband's live about as far apart as possible in the same city. The kids swam in the pool, we set up out little travel Christmas tree, and had dinner with my husband's family.

 

On Christmas morning we opened all our presents. My main present was an iPad air, my first tablet. Also many other things, like this cute teacup and a retro kettle and toaster. The teacup is sitting on a colouring book I bought myself after I bought my daughter one and then remembered how much I enjoyed it as a child and even a teenager.

Christmas morning was hard. The contrast between getting all the material things I wanted, and my mother terminally ill in hospital, was very strange and upsetting.

We had lunch with my husband's extended family. I enjoyed the socialising part but not the food. They just don't have the same taste in food as I do. Tim's mother was English and their food traditions reflect that. They can have eight desserts on the table with not one I like! Good for me, I suppose. Not that I went hungry. I filled up on chips and chocolates.

Long drive through Christmas Day traffic and a sudden thunderstorm, back to the hospital to see mum. She had deteriorated even more over the couple of days since our first visit. She spent most of the time lying with her eyes closed. She was too weak to open her presents - which were totally inappropriate anyway since I had bought them when she was still relatively well. I can't see her reading the books now, and she barely glanced at the digital photo frame that we set up with lots of family pictures.

My brother said he hadn't had time to buy presents - and for once I didn't blame him, he's been doing pretty well looking after mum - and he'd grabbed a few things he already had. He gave us chocolates, which would be ok, but I checked the use-by dates later and threw them all out. Expired in 2009. Not sure how rancid chocolates get in five years, but I didn't want to take the risk.

We went to my grandfather's house for dinner with my side of the family. We got there so late they had given up on us but there was enough food left, if a bit cold, and we got to have dessert with them (desserts I like!) and a chat. Only an hour or so then the cousins with small children were leaving so we did too. We had a different hotel, near Poppa's (grandad). One of the hardest things of the day was everyone talking about mum. Not that I minded talking about her, but it seemed I had to say the same things over and over to each person or group of people as someone else asked how she was. It boiled down to: she's dying. But you can't say it quite like that.

We saw mum again the next morning, she barely knew I was there. The kids have been so angelic all through this. They would visit with grandma a bit then Tim would take them off for a walk around the hospital or to sit somewhere and play with their Nintendo DSs. They never complained or showed distaste for how she looked or got impatient. And Tim drove me back and forth through stressful city traffic every day. I have such a lovely family.

It's Tim's father's birthday on Boxing Day so we always get together for lunch again, it was an even bigger group than Christmas when people have other commitments. A few more presents from people we hadn't seen yet. I don't want to sound mercenary, but it actually healed a bit of hurt I was carrying from last year when I felt a bit forgotten by some of Tim's family. This year I felt showered in presents, and therefore love. It's not about what I got, it's about people showing they care about you. I usually feel very much a part of his family, I fit in better with them than I do with my own family although they are lovely people too, so it was nice to feel included again in the present orgy.

Then we saw The Hobbit, in two shifts so there were babysitters for all the children. This is a big family tradition too, major fantasy movies seem to get released on Boxing Day here and we are all fantasy geeks so we saw all the Lord of the Rings movies together and now the three Hobbit movies. Next year it will be the new Star Wars.

Stayed at my brother-in-law's house then drove home today. So nice to be home, and I am looking forward to my own bed so much. Stress and worry have kept me awake a lot, last night even though that spare bed is horribly uncomfortable I just crashed and actually had a good sleep. But I need lots more. I actually feel a bit less stressed now. I have spent some time with mum, so I no longer have the panic of "what if she dies before I get there?" Of course I am sad and worried, but less frantic.

My plan it to have a few days at home then go back to Sydney by myself to spend more time with mum. I'll be staying at her house which will be horrible, but I'll do my best to clean and I'll just stay out of the stinking kitchen - I'll probably have to eat out every meal. I can't imagine cooking there with all of my brother's stuff everywhere. But the good thing is that the house is only 5 mins from the hospital. Tim has time off work so he can look after the kids at home and I'll only have to worry about mum. I really don't know how long I'll be there or what is going to happen.

I'll try to keep myself healthy but weight loss really isn't my focus at the moment.

Hospital

Monday:

I spoke to my brother yesterday morning, after mum hadn't answered her phone. He mentioned that she'd been feeling worse and her medication was being changed. What he didn't mention was that she had been admitted to hospital on FRIDAY NIGHT. I am so stressed and angry and agitated. How could he not tell me that? Apparently he thought she would call me, from hospital, on her mobile. But she's sick, and couldn't find her phone, and never did. He called me this morning, I think after talking to mum and finding out she hadn't spoken to me.

Of course we are getting ourselves organised to go to Sydney. I just had to sit down for a minute to write out my frustration and worry. It generally helps me. Not feeling much better right now though.

Worries

Wednesday:

I was tossing and turning all night (even more than usual), stressed and worried about mum. I'm going to put it all down here to help get it out of my head. This is not to moan about my hard life, poor me, (I'm not the one with cancer!) it's just that I think better when I write it down.

Firstly of course I am very worried and sad and scared about my mother. She may only have months to live; and even if this medication helps, between now and the end there will be all the pain and indignities of a terminal illness. And the indignity is not a minor thing for her. I'm a bit surprised she is even talking about me coming to live there and help her because when we've talked about it in the past she has always been horrified by the thought of a loved one seeing her humiliated by things like help toileting. She would much rather an impersonal nurse. But she is not at that point yet so maybe it will still come to professional care. Our family tends to live a long time, her own father is still alive at 96 and living in his own home, so her probably dying in her early 70s is a big shock. My children will grow up without either grandmother.

My other big worry is leaving my husband and children to cope without me. It won't be so bad in a couple of weeks as we'll all be on summer holidays and they can come with me to Sydney or travel back and forth or whatever suits us, but for the next couple of weeks my husband is still working long hours and we'd have to organise after-school care for the kids. Maybe different friends could take them each day. It would be hard for my husband to get more time off right now, he has just been borrowed by parliament house for some important work for a couple of months and he already insisted on taking his Christmas leave right in the middle of it because we'd already made plans. (Of course we may have to cancel our beach holiday, I have already warned the children about that.) If mum needs me soon, it will be a real scramble to organise. And Tim is very out of practice in the kitchen - I am imagining them all eating at midnight every night. And when will he have time to shop?

Staying at mum's house is a big problem in itself. My brother lives with her. He is two years older than me, 46, and has never had a life. He has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - with a germ phobia and no empathy for others and strong resistance to change. My daughter recently realised he is very like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Except Sheldon manages to have a job and friends. It is funny to watch on TV, not so funny to live with. He has also become a hoarder in recent years, mainly of food. He is gradually filling the house and garage with rotting food that he never wants to throw out. The bags of out of date packaged food in the spare room aren't so bad, but the meat and dairy and vegetables gone bad are just disgusting. Slimy, fly-attracting, and horrible smelling. Since mum got sicker it has got more out of control because she just can't deal with it. She had a cleaner come for a while but when they left she didn't look for a new one. Too embarrassed. If I am living there, there are going to be lots of stressful fights with him about it. Of course I will throw stuff out when he is asleep, if necessary, but I know he will just buy more. I'll need some space in the fridge for me and mum, he had taken over both fridges with just one tiny corner for mum.

Even once I get rid of the rotting food, the kitchen is falling apart and horrible. Mum was never very interested in cooking, and she knew Darren would just destroy any new kitchen if she renovated. He opens cupboard doors with his feet, stuff like that, because he doesn't like touching things with his hands.

The inconsistency between him having a germ phobia and hoarding rotting food is obvious to everyone but him. Mental illness isn't logical.

We only have one car and I am very out of practice with a manual like mum's, so I may be quite trapped once I get there. Luckily the shops are within walking distance.

And the bed. I took my single bed with me when I moved out and I'm not sure where she got the spare bed from but it is so saggy it is quite difficult not to roll out during the night. Very uncomfortable. I will have to organise buying a new one as soon as I get there.

Ok, I have got that all out of my head and onto the page where I can be less emotional about it. I can cope with any or all of that stuff. I'm glad to be able to look after mum when she needs me. I need to get on with getting things organised here so I can be ready whatever happens.

Cancer

Tuesday:

So, today started well. After one day of eating clean low carb I dropped a whole kilogram in 24 hours. Only one kg to go for my dietbet! Much less daunting than two kg in a week. I know that the loss was mainly water weight, but that is fine with me. Staying low carb will keep that off while I lose some fat.

I went to the gym and did a good half hour on the elliptical and ten minutes on the bike. I was dripping sweat by the end, my hair was soaked. Good sign. After my shower I dropped in at the library then went to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping then grocery shopping.

While I was eating some lunch (food court Chinese, the best choice I could find) I saw that I had just missed a call from my brother. I knew he had taken mum to the oncologist today to get the results of the fluid they drained off last week.

It's not good news. I don't know the exact details, I talked to mum and she couldn't remember everything the doctor had said, but the fluid was caused by the cancer not her medication. She has already started building up more fluid in the week since they drained six and a half litres. She will probably have to have it drained regularly. She is tired and weak and hardly eating; they have put her on stronger medication and anti-nausea medication to help her get some food down. If this new medication helps then she gets a bit more time. If not, it could be a matter of months. She may need me to go and look after her soon.

I was having this conversation with mum while trying to find a quiet private spot in a busy shopping centre. It was difficult. I'll probably talk to my brother tomorrow as he sits in on her appointments and might remember more details.

Obviously the rest of the day has been a bit confused and fraught. But I'm proud of myself for not turning to food. I thought about it. My stomach was churned up and I'd just had lunch and I didn't feel like eating but I considered it anyway. Would it make me feel better if I had some comfort food? I decided no. I went and did the grocery shopping, sticking to my list. I did pick up a packet of chocolate biscuits and put it in my trolley. I had a friend coming over with her kids after school (I decided to keep the appointment, I wanted someone to talk to) and we could all share the biscuits and I would only get one or two out of the packet so that would be ok, right? I struggled with it, I already had plenty of food to share at home, and chocolate biscuits definitely weren't on my plan today. After a couple of aisles I shoved them on a random shelf and walked away.

Then my friend brought some biscuits that I love over. I didn't eat any. I concentrated on talking, not eating. I had grapes and a cup of tea, and later when she left I had a piece of cheese and a nectarine. I took my daughter to dance and came home to pulled pork that had been in the oven all afternoon and made salad and ate a moderate amount and didn't have a bread roll, and when I started nibbling at the fatty skin I quickly threw it all out. The kids had had a little piece each and none of us needed any more than that. I kept to my diet plan and my calorie goals even under stress. I'm a bit surprised, but glad.

Cancelled Dungeons and Dragons tonight. It has been a busy day and I've hardly had time to think. Not that I really want to think. But I probably need to.

Oncologist and chocolate

Tuesday:

My mum saw her oncologist today and there was some good news. The breast tumour had visibly shrunk and some of the tumours in her skull as well. So she is responding very well to the various treatments. She'd been getting a swollen leg from a regular injection in her hip, but last time they did it in her arm which seems to have solved that problem. She still spends a lot of time resting. She's never going to be cured, but her current situation is a far cry from when I first heard that she had breast cancer than had spread to her bones - at that time I thought she probably only had months to live. Now it should be years, at least. And she is still fully able to care for herself in her own home. She's even finishing the last couple of units in her Masters Degree.

I've always said chocolate isn't a problem for me, I love it but can eat a square or two and that is enough. It is not a trigger food for me. So lately it has been the only treat I have in the house, I felt it was safe. But since it is the only treat available, I have been eating it whenever I get a craving for something else. I've gone from a couple of squares two or three times a week, to a larger quantity every day. I keep buying different flavours and now have quite a few blocks to choose from. It isn't what I want to eat - I want salty chips or cheesy corn chips - but in the absence of that I turn to chocolate instead to fill the void. Not ideal! I guess it isn't a "safe" food for me to have in the house any more.

I've only just become aware of this behaviour and analysed it, so my first strategy is just to stop eating it so frequently - now I know what I am doing. But if I can't just stop, I'll have to throw it all away, which is fine. But if it comes to that, I'm worried I'll then turn to something else. It's possible to overeat just about anything. With a family, I can't ban cereal or bread or cheese from the house. But I'm hoping just being aware of it is enough to stop the behaviour.

I definitely feel a bit of a hole in my life that was once filled with unhealthy food.  There are lots of other good things in my life, but it's not the same as being able to dive into a big bag of chips.

Doctors

Wednesday:

My mum saw her oncologist yesterday. She found out at the end of last year that she had breast cancer that had spread to her bones, and since then has had chemo and radiotherapy and bone strengthening injections. The result is good, the tumors in her breast and pelvis have shrunk, and none of the others have grown. So I guess that is good. She finally has some kind of prognosis, now that they can see she's responded well to treatment, they told her "a few years". Better than a few months. But with her own father still going strong at 96, dying in her mid-70s will be way too young. Her mother died of a different kind of cancer in her 80s.

She had one mammogram about 20 years ago but found it unpleasant so never had another one.

I would hate for my kids to know that I had all the warning signs for various health problems and did nothing about it and died in my 50s of a heart attack.

I had my own doctor visit this morning. Tim had the car and it's only a kilometre away so I walked. Quite tiring. Still have this cough (still can't use my CPAP). But nice to be out in the crisp late-autumn sunshine. I told her I'd got the reminder letter about doing the glucose tolerance test and she was surprised and said she thought every second year was often enough. But I'd already made the appointment and been carb loading for the past two days so she gave me the referral anyway. And said two years next time. I do really like my doctor but my only problem with her is she doesn't always take things as seriously as I do (which might be good for me!) and she doesn't seem to think pre-diabetes is worth keeping a close eye on. She added a string of other tests for them to do at the same time so I had to ring the pathology place to tell them. Lucky they were fine with it. I was a bit nervous because when I booked the test I kind of had to lie and pretend I had the referral in front of me which of course I didn't as I didn't have it yet. And I thought I was being so clever. Oh well, organised now.

We also talked about my sleep apnoea (I hadn't seen her since my diagnosis) and I told her my blood pressure had gone up but the sleep doctor guy had said it would go down again when I got some sleep. She tested it and it was fine! So that is awesome news. Back down to my usual low levels. Even though I haven't been able to use my CPAP for two weeks.

Of course she told me losing weight helps fix sleep apnoea. My weight has been going up about half a kilogram each day with the carb loading. Luckily that ends at 9pm tonight then I fast for the test, and then I can get back to normal eating. That is, not my usual normal! A healthier version.

And finally she looked at my eye, which started hurting yesterday afternoon and by bedtime was a bloodshot red ball of pain. A bit better today but still sore. She couldn't find a scratch so gave me some ointment for conjunctivitis.

I've been testing my blood frequently over these past few days and I'm pretty sure my status of pre-diabetic will be the same. The numbers haven't been too bad, even with all the carbs. So I'm feeling like I can tackle everything.

Sharing a house with a parent

Sunday:

We visited mum this weekend, and the most important thing that came of that is that she suggested she lives with us in the near future - that when Tim gets a job in Sydney and we sell our house here she would also sell her house and we would pool the money. She isn't keen on going to a nursing home. Obviously there are pros and cons to this and it needs a lot of thinking about. And it's still contingent on Tim finding a job there, which he has already been trying to do for a couple of years without success as there are not many jobs at his level.

She is doing really well at the moment but of course the treatment she is receiving is only palliative. She is 72 and she has cancer, and might get a lot more frail quite soon.

It's a bit stressful and we need some time to think about it.

Sydney is a bit cooler than here in Canberra but a lot more humid as it is on the coast. I was really knocked around by the humidity and felt quite exhausted and ill with it part of the time we were there. Glad to be home under proper air conditioning, even if it is unbearable outside. I grew up in Sydney but after 13 years in Canberra I'm out of the habit. I have a bit more padding these days too.

I spent part of the hours in the car each way memorising the first 40 elements in the periodic table. It will be handy, and is also a good mental exercise. I'll keep adding more.