Worries

Friday:

I stayed home sick again today. Overall I feel a bit better, but I coughed half the night and woke with a horrible sinus headache, and I’m just constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose. Really not an appropriate time to work in a library, infecting everyone and making lots of gross noises. My little library is closed on Fridays so I was supposed to be back in the main library. At least they had two other staff today!

I had had a worrying phone call yesterday. A hospital was trying to get in touch with my brother Darren about him having a procedure at 6:30am the next day. So he’s put me as a contact, which is a good thing, but I couldn’t pass on the information because I can never get through in a hurry either!  His phone always goes straight to messages, which I don’t know if he even listens to, and it can be weeks before he reads emails. I think he rarely collects his snail mail too. He doesn’t like touching the mailbox. Or anything, really. He has OCD and a phobia of germs. It’s impossible. I could drive for an hour to his house, but I don’t know if he’d even be there or be awake. And it was too late anyway for this, the info included that he had to be fasting and what’s the point of telling him that 12 hours after the fast was to start? They’d probably been trying to call him for a week. After failing to get through to him all afternoon I tried to call the hospital back but I think they’d all gone home for the day. I missed a call early this morning that I assume was the hospital asking where the hell he was... and it will happen all over again when he reschedules.

Of course the real worry is that the procedure was a colonoscopy. Which I assume means a test for cancer. What the hell is it with this family and cancer? My father-in-law just had a biopsy and we’re waiting to hear how advanced his cancer is. And his wife has lung cancer. Both my parents (and Darren’s, obviously) died of cancer five years ago. I don’t have to worry about dying of heart disease, cancer will get me first.

Darren might not be comfortable with me knowing, at this stage. In my messages I didn’t mention that I knew what the procedure was.

He needs a phone that works. Maybe go back to a landline. And he needs to get internet access so he doesn’t have to go to the library to read his email. He needs to be contactable. I couldn’t tell him when Poppa got hurt, or about family functions, or anything.  He retreats further and further away from the rest of the world.

Family

Monday:

I weighed 75.7 kg this morning. Up 0.5 kg. Definitely time to rein it in! I’ve still got a month until Christmas, time to lose a little or at least maintain. So I’ve started tracking calories again, which I haven’t done for a couple of weeks. And I went for a walk this morning despite a light rain. Pretty tired today after the big weekend. I watched the Miss Universe competition (Earth won again, the rest of the Universe needs to get its act together) and had a nap and just enjoyed not having to study!

On Saturday another person noticed my weight loss, only the second person to say anything. And I think she was shocked when I said I’d lost 9 kg! It really doesn’t look like I’ve lost that much. Clothes that were tight are now looser, but I haven’t gone down a size. I do have one pair of shorts in a smaller size that look good, but the smaller jeans I bought are skin tight and I’m scared to wash them because I know they will shrink a bit and I won’t be able to get them on. And I just got board shorts to go over my swimming cossie and I had to get my old size and they are still snug! I know that different designers use different measurements for their sizes, and also it depends where on the body you lose/gain weight, but I guess I thought 9 kg would be enough for a size down.

I just had a look online, a lot of people were saying it took around 10 kg for them to drop a clothing size, but a couple of short people said 5 kg (I’m short!) and others said they’d lost 16 or more kg and hadn’t needed new clothes! So it varies a lot! It’s not the number on tag that I’m after, exactly, except it’s an affirmation; it’s more that I want to buy some new clothes but I don’t want to waste money if I’ll soon need a lower size. Well without Duromine I’m unlikely to lose as quickly as I was, so I’ll just buy whatever fits me now. I don’t buy a lot of clothes, but I always like to have something new for Christmas. I’d buy more if I felt I look good in them, and I’m getting there.

Was I bemoaning only yesterday that I don’t get the family gossip any more? I miss those peaceful days already. I contacted my favourite cousin Kimberley about visiting our Poppa at the same time, she has passed on that my brother isn’t going to be invited to another cousin’s wedding. He’s frequently very late everywhere and sometimes drops out entirely (he didn’t come to the last wedding or even to our father’s funeral - he has OCD and finds socialising very difficult) and apparently they are worried about spending all that money on his place when it will likely be wasted. He arrived at this person’s engagement party after just about everyone else (including me) had left. And this wedding reception will be on a boat, if he misses it there is no way to join it late. I can understand their point, but also, well, it doesn’t seem very family to exclude him. Kimberley is angry about it, but then her side of the family is a bit at odds with the groom’s side at the moment due to the groom buying land from Poppa at what her side thinks was an unfairly low price (I disagree, the land was valued and I thought it was fair, and anyway we were all offered the same deal) ... I don’t want to be involved in that feud! But do I have to say something about excluding Darren because he is my brother? He probably wouldn’t even hear about it except through me. I haven’t got my invitation yet but the groom just checked my address with me so I assume it’s in the mail. Not even sure if I want to go. On a boat (I assume a harbour cruise) I won't be able to leave when I want to, I'll be tired and trapped, and I might get seasick. But this will be the last family wedding for my generation - unless someone has a second go later on! Everyone else is married, except Darren. He's the oldest, he'll be 50 next year.

Several guests yesterday brought gifts of wine or champagne which I know is a fairly safe hostess present for people you don't know well (there were some people from Tim's work, and some friends of a relative who was spending the day with them), but I don't drink much, so the gift I really appreciate was these beautiful flowers - peonies I think. Just lovely. I don't often buy myself flowers, maybe I should. I enjoy them growing in the garden though.

Ultrasound

Thursday:

Another ordeal over. Pelvic ultrasound. I drank the required water but then in the hour I was supposed to be holding it I went to the toilet twice, then at the clinic when my appointment was 40 minutes late I went twice more (trying not to empty completely). Seemed fine, the radiologist (??) didn't comment.

I've had two other pelvic ultrasounds over the past three years, the other two reports suggested adenomyosis (the uterine lining growing where it shouldn't), this time the technician told me there was a fibroid which is a different sort of growth that looks very similar. I haven't seen an official report yet. Obviously I need to know which it is before progressing with any treatment, I might need an MRI. I see my doctor tomorrow and I think she will refer me to a gynaecologist.

I'm back on my healthy eating today. I know from repeated experience that day three of strict low carbs is when I have my cravings, I have to brace myself for that and not just say "I feel terrible so I'm going to eat whatever I want". If I can get through a few days I'll be fine. Today for the first time in ages I'm going to achieve my water goals. Only two cups to go!

My brother had been trying to contact me for a couple of days. His phone is ancient broken rubbish but since he has no landline or email/internet it's the only way to talk to him. And if I call him it goes straight to voicemail, which I don't know if he ever checks, so I have to wait for him to call me. After lots of calls dropping out without us being able to hear each other, he walked up the hill today to get better reception and I shouted at him over the noise of the trucks on the main road. Probably quite funny, in a way. Anyway, he's coming over on Saturday. He couldn't hear any of my queries as to what time, so I eventually gave up on getting any details. Based on past visits, it will be "for lunch" but arriving long after we've eaten because he is late for everything, and staying through until the kids have gone to bed.

Hmm now there is a Christmas present idea. A phone that actually works. Maybe one he could use internet on if he's somewhere they have free Wi-Fi? But that might be a bit complicated for him. A phone that works would do.

That ongoing saga of Aiden's furniture may finally be resolved, the handyman guy called yesterday to say he'll be here on Saturday, with the correct part, to finish putting together the unfinished chest of drawers we've had since Christmas! I can always hope.

Oh, brother

Tuesday:

We spent most of the day driving. Before we left this morning, just in case, I sent an email to my brother saying no one could contact him so they were all bugging me but I couldn't either, and did he want to be a pallbearer and when was he arriving etc and could he please call someone. 

So about 2pm he called my mobile, I was driving so Tim answered. Darren has decided not to come. My brother is not coming to his own father's funeral. There is no estrangement or anything like that, it's just that Darren is a useless selfish bastard who can't be bothered. I spoke to him briefly after I pulled over, but had no interest in prolonging the conversation. 

On his side of the argument, it is a ten hour drive for him and he doesn't have anyone to share the driving or keep him company. On the other side, it is his father's funeral! He'd been thinking about catching a train here, I don't know why he abandoned that idea and I didn't ask, except that he did say it was a long way to come just for one day then turn around and go back again! He had asked Tim to bring back some photos of dad for him, and also dad's mobile phone to replace his unreliable cheap one. Unbelievable. I get a strong premonition that I'm going to forget to fulfil these requests. 

You may have noticed I'm a bit annoyed with him. So often I've just decided to totally give up on him, but then no, he's my brother. But I'm not going to cater to his requests when he makes no effort whatsoever for other people.

Waste

Wednesday:

Aiden was back to school today. I didn't have anything particular planned for the day and decided to stay home and not do much, and hope my brother would contact me. He often checks his email on Wednesdays. My uncle said he would go over today, but he is pretty annoyed about it. Darren has made himself almost completely uncontactable, and at such a time! And there was no guarantee that he would be home when my uncle went over there, or out of bed if he was home. He knew dad was very sick but hasn't contacted anyone for a week.

I didn't mention before, but of course we cancelled people coming over on Sunday night for Eurovision because I'd just found out my father died about an hour before they were due to arrive. I had mostly bought "real" food for snacks - a cheese platter with nuts and dried fruit, dips with vegetable crudités, chicken wings that I was going to prepare - but I did buy some chips and chocolate biscuits. The kids and I ate some of these that evening and I have broken down and eaten more chips since then. It's very bad for me to have this stuff in the house! I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment with everything that is going on plus it is that time of the month, so I have strong feelings of being entitled to drown my emotions with food. 

I just have no interest in stuff like weight loss at the moment. I'm not doing my shoulder physio either. I know this is less than ideal, but I think I need to accept that a week or two isn't going to make a big difference in the long run and not feel guilty about it.

Staying at home all day was probably a mistake. I couldn't do much planning because of not knowing when we have to head back to Shepparton for the funeral. I got a few things done but mostly sat around and felt sad and ate. Now I feel like I really wasted today. I didn't do anything I enjoyed, I just felt stressed and anxious. Sitting at home didn't help. I should have gone out and done something.

By mid-afternoon I was starting to really wonder about my brother. With dad sick, and knowing he was hard to get in touch with, why hadn't he contacted anyone? I was starting to think something might have happened to him. But he finally emailed and then called late in the afternoon. Uncle Greg had gone around in the morning and broke the news, which he didn't know. At least that is done now. But he'll have to keep in contact if he wants the details of the funeral when we get them.

Worries

Wednesday:

I was tossing and turning all night (even more than usual), stressed and worried about mum. I'm going to put it all down here to help get it out of my head. This is not to moan about my hard life, poor me, (I'm not the one with cancer!) it's just that I think better when I write it down.

Firstly of course I am very worried and sad and scared about my mother. She may only have months to live; and even if this medication helps, between now and the end there will be all the pain and indignities of a terminal illness. And the indignity is not a minor thing for her. I'm a bit surprised she is even talking about me coming to live there and help her because when we've talked about it in the past she has always been horrified by the thought of a loved one seeing her humiliated by things like help toileting. She would much rather an impersonal nurse. But she is not at that point yet so maybe it will still come to professional care. Our family tends to live a long time, her own father is still alive at 96 and living in his own home, so her probably dying in her early 70s is a big shock. My children will grow up without either grandmother.

My other big worry is leaving my husband and children to cope without me. It won't be so bad in a couple of weeks as we'll all be on summer holidays and they can come with me to Sydney or travel back and forth or whatever suits us, but for the next couple of weeks my husband is still working long hours and we'd have to organise after-school care for the kids. Maybe different friends could take them each day. It would be hard for my husband to get more time off right now, he has just been borrowed by parliament house for some important work for a couple of months and he already insisted on taking his Christmas leave right in the middle of it because we'd already made plans. (Of course we may have to cancel our beach holiday, I have already warned the children about that.) If mum needs me soon, it will be a real scramble to organise. And Tim is very out of practice in the kitchen - I am imagining them all eating at midnight every night. And when will he have time to shop?

Staying at mum's house is a big problem in itself. My brother lives with her. He is two years older than me, 46, and has never had a life. He has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - with a germ phobia and no empathy for others and strong resistance to change. My daughter recently realised he is very like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Except Sheldon manages to have a job and friends. It is funny to watch on TV, not so funny to live with. He has also become a hoarder in recent years, mainly of food. He is gradually filling the house and garage with rotting food that he never wants to throw out. The bags of out of date packaged food in the spare room aren't so bad, but the meat and dairy and vegetables gone bad are just disgusting. Slimy, fly-attracting, and horrible smelling. Since mum got sicker it has got more out of control because she just can't deal with it. She had a cleaner come for a while but when they left she didn't look for a new one. Too embarrassed. If I am living there, there are going to be lots of stressful fights with him about it. Of course I will throw stuff out when he is asleep, if necessary, but I know he will just buy more. I'll need some space in the fridge for me and mum, he had taken over both fridges with just one tiny corner for mum.

Even once I get rid of the rotting food, the kitchen is falling apart and horrible. Mum was never very interested in cooking, and she knew Darren would just destroy any new kitchen if she renovated. He opens cupboard doors with his feet, stuff like that, because he doesn't like touching things with his hands.

The inconsistency between him having a germ phobia and hoarding rotting food is obvious to everyone but him. Mental illness isn't logical.

We only have one car and I am very out of practice with a manual like mum's, so I may be quite trapped once I get there. Luckily the shops are within walking distance.

And the bed. I took my single bed with me when I moved out and I'm not sure where she got the spare bed from but it is so saggy it is quite difficult not to roll out during the night. Very uncomfortable. I will have to organise buying a new one as soon as I get there.

Ok, I have got that all out of my head and onto the page where I can be less emotional about it. I can cope with any or all of that stuff. I'm glad to be able to look after mum when she needs me. I need to get on with getting things organised here so I can be ready whatever happens.