Worries

Wednesday:

I was tossing and turning all night (even more than usual), stressed and worried about mum. I'm going to put it all down here to help get it out of my head. This is not to moan about my hard life, poor me, (I'm not the one with cancer!) it's just that I think better when I write it down.

Firstly of course I am very worried and sad and scared about my mother. She may only have months to live; and even if this medication helps, between now and the end there will be all the pain and indignities of a terminal illness. And the indignity is not a minor thing for her. I'm a bit surprised she is even talking about me coming to live there and help her because when we've talked about it in the past she has always been horrified by the thought of a loved one seeing her humiliated by things like help toileting. She would much rather an impersonal nurse. But she is not at that point yet so maybe it will still come to professional care. Our family tends to live a long time, her own father is still alive at 96 and living in his own home, so her probably dying in her early 70s is a big shock. My children will grow up without either grandmother.

My other big worry is leaving my husband and children to cope without me. It won't be so bad in a couple of weeks as we'll all be on summer holidays and they can come with me to Sydney or travel back and forth or whatever suits us, but for the next couple of weeks my husband is still working long hours and we'd have to organise after-school care for the kids. Maybe different friends could take them each day. It would be hard for my husband to get more time off right now, he has just been borrowed by parliament house for some important work for a couple of months and he already insisted on taking his Christmas leave right in the middle of it because we'd already made plans. (Of course we may have to cancel our beach holiday, I have already warned the children about that.) If mum needs me soon, it will be a real scramble to organise. And Tim is very out of practice in the kitchen - I am imagining them all eating at midnight every night. And when will he have time to shop?

Staying at mum's house is a big problem in itself. My brother lives with her. He is two years older than me, 46, and has never had a life. He has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - with a germ phobia and no empathy for others and strong resistance to change. My daughter recently realised he is very like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Except Sheldon manages to have a job and friends. It is funny to watch on TV, not so funny to live with. He has also become a hoarder in recent years, mainly of food. He is gradually filling the house and garage with rotting food that he never wants to throw out. The bags of out of date packaged food in the spare room aren't so bad, but the meat and dairy and vegetables gone bad are just disgusting. Slimy, fly-attracting, and horrible smelling. Since mum got sicker it has got more out of control because she just can't deal with it. She had a cleaner come for a while but when they left she didn't look for a new one. Too embarrassed. If I am living there, there are going to be lots of stressful fights with him about it. Of course I will throw stuff out when he is asleep, if necessary, but I know he will just buy more. I'll need some space in the fridge for me and mum, he had taken over both fridges with just one tiny corner for mum.

Even once I get rid of the rotting food, the kitchen is falling apart and horrible. Mum was never very interested in cooking, and she knew Darren would just destroy any new kitchen if she renovated. He opens cupboard doors with his feet, stuff like that, because he doesn't like touching things with his hands.

The inconsistency between him having a germ phobia and hoarding rotting food is obvious to everyone but him. Mental illness isn't logical.

We only have one car and I am very out of practice with a manual like mum's, so I may be quite trapped once I get there. Luckily the shops are within walking distance.

And the bed. I took my single bed with me when I moved out and I'm not sure where she got the spare bed from but it is so saggy it is quite difficult not to roll out during the night. Very uncomfortable. I will have to organise buying a new one as soon as I get there.

Ok, I have got that all out of my head and onto the page where I can be less emotional about it. I can cope with any or all of that stuff. I'm glad to be able to look after mum when she needs me. I need to get on with getting things organised here so I can be ready whatever happens.

Worry

Tuesday:

I slept very badly last night, worrying about mum, and haven't done much today other than wander around the house. Considering the fact that the cancer has already spread to her bones, I don't think the prognosis is going to be good.

I got this from a UK cancer website about breast cancer survival rates:

In about 1 in 20 women (5%), the cancer has already spread to another part of their body when they are first diagnosed. Sadly, the outlook once a cancer has spread to another body organ is not so good. It is not curable at this point, but may be controlled with treatment for some years. Women with stage 4 tumours have a 5 year survival rate of around 13%. About 1 in 10 women (10%) will live for more than 10 years.

Only 13% will live for 5 years.

I don't have details about mum's case yet, and no one can know for sure what will happen anyway, but it doesn't sound good at all.

I'm stressed that she is resisting me visiting her. I don't want to make it all about me, I want to respect her wishes, but I really feel strongly that I should be there. I'll talk to her about it again tomorrow after she has more information. Maybe she will have surgery or chemo dates by then.

We were going away to Queensland in a fortnight for a holiday on the beach but I don't think I should be away right now, even further away than the current four hours drive. It will depend on her schedule and her wishes I suppose, but it feels wrong for me to be going on holiday.

I'm stressed about my brother. I don't know if I've talked about him much here. He is 45, still lives with mum, no job, no life. He has obsessive compulsive disorder and hoarding tendencies, mainly out-of-date food which fills the fridge and stinks up the house, and refuses to take the medication or see psychiatrists or do anything about it. I personally think his lifestyle is half OCD and half lazy bastard. He freeloads off our mother and spends his time either in bed (for up to 24 hours at a time) or watching TV. Since mum's been so sick he's just messed up the house, without her cleaning up after him, and done nothing whatever to help. If I end up staying there to look after mum I will try to organise him to stay with dad for a while - dad lives out in the country in another state. Neither of them will like that much but it's the best option I can think of.

I talked to my best friend about it today and she offered to help with the kids after school if I needed to be in Sydney which was lovely of her. She works most days but it would help if Tim doesn't have to rush home early from work every day.

I wonder if she will be in hospital for Christmas. I'm so glad I'm not hosting this year, at least I don't have to worry about that side of it.