Doing something right

Sunday:

Jasmine had her Year 10 Formal (end of year school dinner and dance) this week. She looked beautiful. I can't believe she is nearly 16! We had her hair professionally done and it looked amazing. (Very expensive though!) She and her friends took a limo to the function centre which was on a clifftop down the coast a bit. I think I've been to a wedding there. I took lots of photos at home of course, including of her spinning by the pool.

There was a vote at the Formal, and a few people were given "Miss Universe"-type sashes. One of Jasmine's friends was given "Best-Dressed". Jasmine was given one that says "Quiet but Crazy". 

At the moment I feel like I must be doing something right. In an exercise at a mental health seminar at school, Jasmine was supposed to write something she hated about herself on a piece of paper and then screw it up and throw it away to symbolise not letting those feelings have power over her or something. Anyway, she couldn't think of anything she hated about herself!

And Aiden brought an essay home in which he said he liked my cooking better than restaurants, and on Friday I suggested getting takeaway but he wanted me to make dinner at home. A fine compliment from a 13 year old boy!

Jasmine is coming to my workplace for a week of work experience next week. Hopefully that will be fun for both of us. I wrote up a program for her that had her mainly under my supervision but I was told to change it and share her around with other library staff. I'll mostly only work with her on preparing and presenting a storytime with the little kids. We often have work experience students, but mostly they are older and studying for library specific degree - like me last year. A lovely girl, Carlie, just finished her time with us yesterday. It was great of my boss to accept Jasmine, a Year 10 student. My old boss wouldn't, last semester, because she was worried if she had to discipline Jasmine I would get mad!

It will be my last week of work this year, and I don't know what is happening next year. Hopefully there will be more work for me when term starts. But there will be big upheavals in the structure of TAFE soon and no-one knows what is going to happen. I may be looking for work again. At least I have some real experience now to put on my resume, and more people to offer as referees.

Bushfires haven't threatened my home, but the air quality has been horrible from fires further north. Choking smoke and dust. Magnificent sunsets though.

It's the first day of summer today but we're going to have a fairly cool week. The weather is all over the place. Hopefully the firefighters can keep us all safe.

Random

Monday:

Today's weight: 83.2 kg. A little down. As usual, Monday has inspired me to tighten my diet up again. Lots of vegetables, and plenty of water! I ate too much junky stuff yesterday. There was some dessert left over and I've resisted it all day! Should be finished up by the rest of the family tonight.

I went out for a nice walk this morning, around 45 minutes. Sunny but a bit cool, which is good for walking.

I made a random purchase of a frozen duck on Friday because they were on special and I'm cooking it tonight. Duck is one of my favourite meats, but it's definitely a special occasion food and I rarely cook it myself. I order it in restaurants sometimes or my Chinese sister-in-law sometimes cooks one. They aren't particularly healthy, very fatty, and not much meat on one (perhaps the relatively small portions are a good thing). Anyway, I looked up some recipes this afternoon and they suggested things like 4 hours drying out time then 5-6 hours slow roasting! No time for that. I've put some spices on and shoved it in the oven on a rack so the fat all drips down on the vegetables... hope it turns out ok. Not sure about the mix of spices.

Jasmine didn't go to dance tonight. On Saturday evening she hit her hand against a rock and one knuckle is sore and was swollen. I think it is just bruised but it still hurts her and apparently at school she was trying to write with her left hand. What if it is broken? I've said if it still hurts as much tomorrow I'll take her to a doctor. I remember a story from my mum about my big brother falling off a swing at kindergarten and the teachers didn't realise he broke his arm! He didn't get any care other than cuddles until mum picked him up and realised. And without a car, pushed him to the doctor or hospital in the stroller. So I hope this isn't too serious, it's only been 48 hours I guess so a bruise could still hurt.

Bump on the head

Friday:

My daughter and husband leave for school/work before I crawl out of bed in the morning. By the time I sat down to breakfast today, after getting Aiden ready and off to his school, Jasmine had already been at her school for an hour. And then her school rang for me to come and pick her up. Apparently when the bell rang for her first class, she was hurrying to get there and hit her head on something metal (I'm still not sure what). She went to sick bay with a headache and waited for an hour before getting them to call me. She doesn't like missing school. But her head hurt too much to go to class.

She has a bump and a bit of a headache but otherwise seems ok, luckily. No dizziness or signs of concussion. She just sat and rested with her iPad at home. She was well enough this afternoon to come and do the grocery shopping with me. Scary when something happens to your child.

I noticed when walking around the shops that my foot is absolutely 100% pain free, which is so awesome. The new skin was tender yesterday but healed now. It feels so good to walk without that pebble in my shoe! I couldn't leave my daughter to go out for a walk today (and now it's raining again) but I certainly plan to be much more active. I could join the gym I suppose, but walking along the coast at Cronulla is a lot more appealing than a stinky gym. I am looking out my window at gloomy rain and yearning for fresh sea air and sunshine.

I know that soon I will forget to appreciate the absence of pain, but right now I am revelling in it.

Bumpy day

Friday:

There is a fun run coming up on Mother's Day that is raising funds for breast cancer research, so there are ads on TV and conversations on my Facebook feed about it. Every time I see the pink ribbon or a pink Tshirt I am reminded that my mother just died of breast cancer three months ago. I am definitely not ready to be involved in something like this, and I also really wish I didn't have to see it and be reminded all day long. I think about my mum often anyway, usually something like "I need to tell mum that, oh I can't" and feel sad but not too horrible. For some reason all this media about breast cancer hits me much worse. Maybe because they are talking about trying to save people but they couldn't save my mum. Even if they find a cure it will be for other people, too late for mum. It's like a punch in the stomach every single time.

Of course I want them to find a cure for other people, and who knows maybe me and my daughter one day, but I just can't deal with it right now.

I also have stuff about mum's estate still going on - nothing bad, it just takes so long! Seeing my brother tomorrow about it and had an email from the probate lawyer today. It's all normal but it means I can't put that financial side behind me, it's not over yet, it feels like it will never be over. Filling in endless forms and getting photocopies certified and discussions with the executor and this is all for a fairly straightforward uncontested Will. I just want to put it behind me. To be able to think about my mother without the taint of money hassles or the slap of remembering how she died.

I had one of my more restless nights so I am feeling tired today. It is very grey and cold. We spent the morning shopping - shoes for Aiden and myself (walking shoes for me), winter clothes for Jasmine - then grocery shopping. The kids got hungry and I am trying to cut down on holiday junk food, especially with the less-controlled weekend coming up, so we went to the fruit shop and bought some grapes for them. I didn't have any, no fruit on a low carb day allowed after breakfast. I knew I would be ok until lunch time, a stir-fry I made at home.

Eating normal amounts of healthy food can feel strange sometimes. I will finish a meal feeling no longer hungry, but not exactly full either. It is vaguely unsatisfying, I suppose because it is not what I am used to! Last night I had a big serve of really delicious casserole and I must admit I do like that full feeling. I knew about three quarters of the way through my plate that it was time to stop, but I didn't. So warm and cosy and filling. I think winter is going to be tough, but as long as I make sure I am eating lots of vegetables I should be ok. I am definitely more hungry today, not sure if it's the cold or if it's because I'm on second low carb day in a row.

Bit of confusion tonight. Jasmine had been invited to a sleepover which she thought was in two weeks, because that is when her friend's birthday is. But I got a text from the mother after dinner asking if Jas was coming... tonight! That is what happens when you let eleven-year-olds email back and forth to arrange something! So Jas had already had dinner and also we'll have to pick her up early tomorrow, but the girls still wanted to do it so Tim is driving her over now. It's not that close either, 20 minutes, because the friend has recently moved away from our suburb, so she'll be getting there close to her usual bedtime and leaving at breakfast! I suppose they'll still have all night to giggle in.

For various reasons I am really struggling with cravings tonight. Being strong so far, but not as confident as I have been this week about staying clean. Chocolate is calling me. I have made the firm decision "no" but the desire keeps coming back. I just have to hold out until tomorrow. Maybe I could stay up until midnight then it will be my treat day.

Report card:
Diet: Good. Maybe great. It's hard to believe it was great, today, the way I feel right now.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good compliance, poor sleep.
Mental health: Poor.

Edit: about three seconds after posting this I went and stuffed myself with chocolate. And instantly felt a bit better emotionally, as well as physically feeling a bit sick. Well, it happens. This is not a diet fail. I am putting that behind me and moving on.