Seventeen: camillias

Thursday:

I found today a lot easier with no cravings for anything, even things that were readily available. But I still miss real tea (ie with sugar). It was such an enjoyable ritual drink for me. I'd always have a cup after everyone had left for the day, and sometimes when I got home from a trip out. Calming and relaxing. I'm sticking with the sugar free version because I don't want caffeine withdrawal right now, but I don't enjoy it at all. It doesn't seem to have the same emotional impact. Amazing how half a teaspoon of sugar makes so much difference. Oh well.

Today's excursion was to the Camellia Gardens. It's not just camellias, there are lots of different plants on a steep hill with a duck pond at the bottom, pleasant winding (rather mossy) paths. Today was rather cloudy which made the gardens seem a bit dismal, but we wandered around for a while and got our fresh air and exercise for the day. That hill was steep on the way back up!

A camellia in bloom:

 The duck lawn at the bottom:

It would have been a nice spot for a picnic if everything wasn't so grey and damp.

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge, Jasmine is off with her friends all day and staying for a sleepover, I'll have to entertain Aiden all by myself! They play so well together that usually I just provide meals.

Bumpy day

Friday:

There is a fun run coming up on Mother's Day that is raising funds for breast cancer research, so there are ads on TV and conversations on my Facebook feed about it. Every time I see the pink ribbon or a pink Tshirt I am reminded that my mother just died of breast cancer three months ago. I am definitely not ready to be involved in something like this, and I also really wish I didn't have to see it and be reminded all day long. I think about my mum often anyway, usually something like "I need to tell mum that, oh I can't" and feel sad but not too horrible. For some reason all this media about breast cancer hits me much worse. Maybe because they are talking about trying to save people but they couldn't save my mum. Even if they find a cure it will be for other people, too late for mum. It's like a punch in the stomach every single time.

Of course I want them to find a cure for other people, and who knows maybe me and my daughter one day, but I just can't deal with it right now.

I also have stuff about mum's estate still going on - nothing bad, it just takes so long! Seeing my brother tomorrow about it and had an email from the probate lawyer today. It's all normal but it means I can't put that financial side behind me, it's not over yet, it feels like it will never be over. Filling in endless forms and getting photocopies certified and discussions with the executor and this is all for a fairly straightforward uncontested Will. I just want to put it behind me. To be able to think about my mother without the taint of money hassles or the slap of remembering how she died.

I had one of my more restless nights so I am feeling tired today. It is very grey and cold. We spent the morning shopping - shoes for Aiden and myself (walking shoes for me), winter clothes for Jasmine - then grocery shopping. The kids got hungry and I am trying to cut down on holiday junk food, especially with the less-controlled weekend coming up, so we went to the fruit shop and bought some grapes for them. I didn't have any, no fruit on a low carb day allowed after breakfast. I knew I would be ok until lunch time, a stir-fry I made at home.

Eating normal amounts of healthy food can feel strange sometimes. I will finish a meal feeling no longer hungry, but not exactly full either. It is vaguely unsatisfying, I suppose because it is not what I am used to! Last night I had a big serve of really delicious casserole and I must admit I do like that full feeling. I knew about three quarters of the way through my plate that it was time to stop, but I didn't. So warm and cosy and filling. I think winter is going to be tough, but as long as I make sure I am eating lots of vegetables I should be ok. I am definitely more hungry today, not sure if it's the cold or if it's because I'm on second low carb day in a row.

Bit of confusion tonight. Jasmine had been invited to a sleepover which she thought was in two weeks, because that is when her friend's birthday is. But I got a text from the mother after dinner asking if Jas was coming... tonight! That is what happens when you let eleven-year-olds email back and forth to arrange something! So Jas had already had dinner and also we'll have to pick her up early tomorrow, but the girls still wanted to do it so Tim is driving her over now. It's not that close either, 20 minutes, because the friend has recently moved away from our suburb, so she'll be getting there close to her usual bedtime and leaving at breakfast! I suppose they'll still have all night to giggle in.

For various reasons I am really struggling with cravings tonight. Being strong so far, but not as confident as I have been this week about staying clean. Chocolate is calling me. I have made the firm decision "no" but the desire keeps coming back. I just have to hold out until tomorrow. Maybe I could stay up until midnight then it will be my treat day.

Report card:
Diet: Good. Maybe great. It's hard to believe it was great, today, the way I feel right now.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good compliance, poor sleep.
Mental health: Poor.

Edit: about three seconds after posting this I went and stuffed myself with chocolate. And instantly felt a bit better emotionally, as well as physically feeling a bit sick. Well, it happens. This is not a diet fail. I am putting that behind me and moving on.

Oncologist and chocolate

Tuesday:

My mum saw her oncologist today and there was some good news. The breast tumour had visibly shrunk and some of the tumours in her skull as well. So she is responding very well to the various treatments. She'd been getting a swollen leg from a regular injection in her hip, but last time they did it in her arm which seems to have solved that problem. She still spends a lot of time resting. She's never going to be cured, but her current situation is a far cry from when I first heard that she had breast cancer than had spread to her bones - at that time I thought she probably only had months to live. Now it should be years, at least. And she is still fully able to care for herself in her own home. She's even finishing the last couple of units in her Masters Degree.

I've always said chocolate isn't a problem for me, I love it but can eat a square or two and that is enough. It is not a trigger food for me. So lately it has been the only treat I have in the house, I felt it was safe. But since it is the only treat available, I have been eating it whenever I get a craving for something else. I've gone from a couple of squares two or three times a week, to a larger quantity every day. I keep buying different flavours and now have quite a few blocks to choose from. It isn't what I want to eat - I want salty chips or cheesy corn chips - but in the absence of that I turn to chocolate instead to fill the void. Not ideal! I guess it isn't a "safe" food for me to have in the house any more.

I've only just become aware of this behaviour and analysed it, so my first strategy is just to stop eating it so frequently - now I know what I am doing. But if I can't just stop, I'll have to throw it all away, which is fine. But if it comes to that, I'm worried I'll then turn to something else. It's possible to overeat just about anything. With a family, I can't ban cereal or bread or cheese from the house. But I'm hoping just being aware of it is enough to stop the behaviour.

I definitely feel a bit of a hole in my life that was once filled with unhealthy food.  There are lots of other good things in my life, but it's not the same as being able to dive into a big bag of chips.

Whole30 Day6 - tired and craving chocolate

Thursday:

The fatigue has hit right on schedule. This morning I really really didn't want to get out of bed. In a kind of nice way, though, bed was so awesome! Soft and warm and snuggled down. I'm yawning constantly and very sleepy. Apparently I can expect a couple of days of this. I don't know how people who work in an office (or worse, with heavy machinery!) would get though this stage! The advice is to take it easy and sleep when I can. The idea is that now, after five days without grains etc, my body is doing the work to switch over to getting energy from fat rather than carbs. Should get my energy back soon.

Yet another W30 dream. In the others I was frustrated and guilty after eating something not allowed, but last night I dreamed I'd had a glass of milk and I just thought "stuff it, I'll eat whatever I want and start again tomorrow"! I had a big hunk of cheese (and felt a bit sick), someone came round with Easter Eggs and I took a handful and gorged on chocolate, and then there was a bake sale in the hall and I was going to go and buy cupcakes and eclairs when the dream ended. Quite a nice dream.

My jeans had felt good yesterday but I thought that could have been because I'd worn them a few days in a row and they'd stretched a bit - they were really tight and uncomfortable the first day. But today I put on clean jeans and they were just as comfortable so it really is me not the elasticity of denim! So yay.

Breakfast was leftovers from last night - pulled pork in lettuce leaves with salad. I'm getting used to having protein rather than carbs for breakfast.

I got in my (gentle) exercise by walking to the local shops to get a few things I needed before my big shopping trip tomorrow (like herbal tea and some lemons). Lunch was a feast: some leftover chicken soup then a piece of lamb fillet, a rasher of bacon because the lamb was so lean, roast parsnip, broccoli and carrot, a couple of pieces of dried apple. I am eating really well these days, but planning and cooking is very time consuming.

Crashed in the afternoon and had a nap until it was time to pick up the kids.

I've been really frustrated that I haven't had email for nearly 48 hours now. The message on my provider's machine says they are working on it with highest priority. Really annoying. Despite having internet access, I feel a bit cut off from the outside world.

Went hunting for food in the late afternoon, more from boredom and frustration than hunger. I managed to stay away from banned foods but still ate a lot - a punnet of strawberries, a hard-boiled egg, some dried fruit, and finally the last of the chicken soup that filled me up so much I couldn't possibly eat any more. Was left feeling uncomfortably over-full and yet still bored and frustrated! Odd huh? Is it possible that if hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the answer? Who would have thought.

I JUST WANT SOME EFFING CHOCOLATE WOULD THAT BE SO TERRIBLE?

...

Well, I've had a miserable afternoon and I wrote that line and had almost decided to give up (maybe just staying off grains but plunging back into sugar and dairy, scarfing down a chocolate bar before dinner) and then I went and read Just Jennifer's blog and she's about to go on medication for depression. I know what depression is like, I had PND for 10 months after my first baby and it was horrible. What I am feeling now? Some frustration at the world, some food cravings, a bit of tiredness. Nothing. No, not nothing, but nothing I can't deal with. If I decide to stop Whole30 it won't be because I haven't had access to email for 2 days.

Dinner was steak and salad.

Day 6 accomplished.

Cravings

I rambled on earlier today about craving food and wanting to feel full, amongst other rants, and I feel like adding more.

I ate quite frugally all day and then had a big dinner -- fajitas. All home made and healthy but quite high calorie in the end with two tortillas, meat, & oil in the marinade. Also lots of vegetables and spicy sauce. Good blend of everything and very filling. Probably more food, in fact, than I needed; considering how full I felt afterwards. But as I said earlier, I like that full feeling; so I was happy. I plugged in the ingredients into my calorie counter and it was lucky I had eaten carefully all day because it was a big chunk of calories. It took me up to within 24 calories of my daily allottment after allowing for the exercise I did today. 24 calories left over. Excellent.

Then the thoughts started.

I can't have any more food today.

I am very full, very satisfied.

But I can't have any more food today.

I went and looked at the label on some Lindt dark chocolate. Can I have one square, later, after anticipating it and looking forward to it for a while? No: 36 calories.

I am not hungry. Not at all.

But I can't have any more food today!!!

How do I stop wanting wanting wanting?

How do I stop thinking about food? Stressing that I am not allowed food? I know I can have a baby carrot or some herbal tea if I need to put something in my stomach. But that isn't what I want.