Suddenly winter

Sunday:

We had a very long hot summer, about one week of autumn, and now suddenly it’s winter. Only 10C when I got up this morning. Sydney doesn’t really get a lot colder than that!

I saw my doctor on Friday and she gave me a new script for two more months of Duromine. I didn’t lose any weight in the past month (I blame Easter!) but I already dropped half a kg in the past couple of days and I’m at a new low, but I’ll wait until official Monday morning to report. Even without that loss, though, I’ve been mostly feeling a bit thinner. My new skinny clothes fit better. My rings and watch are looser. I’m happier with photos. So maybe my shape changed a bit while my weight stayed the same. Nothing wrong with a bit of consolidation.

Very unusually for me, I had high blood pressure. The doctor checked it several times at the start and the end of my appointment because we both thought it might be a momentary aberration. If anything, my blood pressure is usually a bit low. But it was high each time, something like 140/100. I’m assuming it’s stress from work placement (just because it’s new and tiring, it’s not particularly stressful in itself) and I’m to revisit the doctor in a couple of weeks.

I didn’t mention it to the doctor (I will next time) but I’ve been having some pelvic pain on and off the past few months and it’s been quite bad since Thursday, especially at night. Lying down has always made it worse. I had fibroids removed from my uterus a year and a half ago - grape sized non-cancerous growths that are really common but don’t bother most people, it depends where they are - I know they couldn’t remove them all because of where they were. I think either the remaining ones have got bigger or more have grown. I’m not keen on having an operation every year, or a hysterectomy, and since those seem to be the only options my plan is to do nothing for the moment. I know the doctor will send me for another ultrasound and I hate them so much. Having to drink a lot of water and holding it for two hours is torture. There will be tears. And sneaky visits to the toilet when the pain gets too bad.

I’ve decided to fully embrace this National Simultaneous Storytime thing even if it’s not my assessment task (still trying for cataloguing) and I am full of plans. A giant clock poster (the book is a sequel to the Hickory Dickory Dock rhyme, with mother mouse looking for her baby who ran up the clock) and warming up the children by copying the clock and making clock time shapes with our arms, a colour-in and make your own mouse finger puppet activity after I read the story, and morning tea. If I’m going to do something I want to do it well and wholeheartedly.

Speaking of which, my friend Cathy from TAFE finished last year as she was studying full time and just had her graduation ceremony, and received an unexpected award for excellence. Congrats to Cathy! I didn’t even know there was an award, but now I want one! I know I’ve done well in all my classes, first or equal first in the ones you get told the marks for (but most you just get told “satisfactory”, which sucks), but a couple of subjects I know I wasn’t perfect. And Lauren already got that internship I wanted grrr.... I don’t know if there is only one award for best. When I did my Grad Cert in Editing I got the Dean’s Award for Excllence, that was for anyone with a Disctinction average I think so there wasn’t just one available. Feeling competitive!

Arthritis

Thursday:

I went to the doctor this morning about my ongoing pelvic pain. I really need to change the medical clinic I go to. Mine (a tiny place but it is free and I have no trouble getting an appointment quickly)has one regular male doctor (who I haven't seen, but my husband didn't like that much) and a different female doctor every six months - part of their work experience straight after their training. I've liked all the female doctors well enough and don't mind that they are quite inexperienced - at least they are up to date! But a new one just about every time I go gives no continuity of care. There, that is decided. In Australia you can go to whatever doctor you like, there are plenty of others nearby to chose from. We started going to that one because it is walking distance.

One part of my pelvic pain that seems affected by the time of the month needs to be followed up with my gynaecologist so that wasn't today. But I've realised that part of my pain is in a close but different place, pain and stiffness in my hipbones especially first thing in the morning and after I've been sitting for a while. The doctor examined me and thinks it might be arthritis. I need more tests. I do have a CT scan from last year that mentions arthritis "with no inflammatory component" whatever that means. She wants to do an X-ray.

She said the best treatment for arthritis is weight loss, and made a longer appointment for me to go back next week to discuss diet and exercise etc. I found it quite depressing. I'm 46, I'm not ready for arthritis. And maybe all the pain in my hands is from it too. And a lecture on diet and exercise? Like I don't already know what to do (just don't do it). I've probably read more about diet and nutrition than any five doctors put together. I've been trying to lose weight for the past 20 years. Since I plan to change doctors anyway I think I will cancel. What can she tell me other than the official government recommendations? Give me a will-power machine and I'll use it.

She measured my height at 152.5cm which is 1.5cm less than my previous doctor said (5ft instead of 5ft and half an inch) then weighed me in jeans and a belt even though I weighed myself in underwear at home this morning (adding a couple of kg) and worst of all took a waist measurement that was nothing like the number I've got at home! I think she said 105cm instead of 98! That is a big difference. Maybe she measured in a different place than I do. I'd given up politely disagreeing by that point. Why bother. I know I'm fat, what does a few cm matter.

Scans and vinegar

Friday:

I forgot to mention I picked up my pelvic bone scans the other day. The gyno had looked at them and said they were fine, so we're just continuing with the fibroid surgery whenever I come up on the waiting list. The report with the scans mentions that I have arthritis (I'm 46, I'm not old!) and also "increased blood pool activity, suggesting inflammation ... clinical correlation is suggested to determine if further imaging would be warranted" so I'm not sure why this isn't significant? Maybe the other imaging I've had already covers this? I didn't actually speak to the doctor.

In other news, after a couple of weeks of "giving up" on the plantar wart on my foot - after months of various treatments - I decided that giving up wasn't helping. I looked around on the internet and there are some really weird interesting home remedies (like burning it with a red-hot fork, banana peel, or (my favourite) getting someone to buy it from you, literally giving you money and the wart magically disappears) but one that kept coming up was using apple cider vinegar. I didn't have any, but I did have rice wine vinegar and decided to give it a try. I soaked a tiny piece of cotton wool in vinegar and put it under a waterproof bandaid. 24 hours later half the wart peeled off! This has happened before, each time after about three weeks of continuous acid treatment, but it's always grown back straight away. So I am hopeful but not too hopeful. I am visualising the rest falling off, mentally pushing it away. Yesterday, before the half came off, it was a really good day with not much pain but today it is extremely painful. Sharp shooting pains even when I am not walking. Definitely worth it if it's working! Imagine if after all that time and pharmaceutical treatment and pain, a bit of vinegar does the trick!

No way I was getting out to my park today, just walking around the shops was more than enough for one day. Very sore.

I wonder why reading a book is considered a praiseworthy, almost noble, pursuit; but playing a computer game - also sitting still and participating in someone else's imagination - is a waste of time to be frowned upon. Someone else mentioned in their blog (hi Martha!) that people wandering around outside playing Pokémon Go looked like zombies and that maybe they should try looking up at the real world, and (although I like the real world too) that made me wonder why is an imaginary world "bad" and the real world "good" to experience? If we take the exercise component out of it, compare someone saying they spent the weekend driving along the coast looking at the beautiful scenery, and someone else saying they spent the weekend playing World of Warcraft which has amazing and beautiful scenery too - on a screen. The first would (by many people) be considered quite nice and in no way a waste of a weekend, something you could even boast about a bit as if you achieved something, the second would (by many people) be considered a complete waste of time, something to shrug a bit shamefaced about, I "just" stayed home and played computer games. But why? And maybe I'm misrepresenting other people here, but seems that is how many people think. Both involve sitting and staring, enjoying what you are looking at. I often play WoW with my husband and children as a team, we are looking at the same things on our screens and co-operating and talking, no less interaction than if we were sitting in a car together - indeed probably a great deal more. Sorry for the rant, I am honestly trying to work out if I'm missing something.

I've been worried for a couple of weeks that my sister-in-law Ping was upset with me, though I wasn't sure and didn't know why. The only thing I could think of was that I didn't go to the movies with her, and took 24 hours to get back to her about it which didn't seem like a great reason, there was nothing obvious but I just had this feeling. Anyway, I just got an invitation to someone else's baby shower and suddenly remembered! A few weeks ago she asked me to host her baby shower (in a few months) and I didn't react with enthusiasm. It was a bad moment, I was feeling particularly wiped out with all the health and hormonal issues, I'd never had a baby shower myself and only been to a couple, and a friend of hers hosted her last one (I wasn't living nearby then) and it was magnificent and elaborate which really scared me a bit to compete with that. Although I said I'd do it, I know I was rather negative and hesitant. And then forgot about it. And since then have had this subtle vibe that she wasn't happy with me. So! I just sent her a much more enthusiastic text asking for details of when she wanted it etc and she texted straight back with a very lovely message. I feel so relieved. I don't think I was imagining things! We are very fond of each other and I'm sure she was very disappointed with my initial reaction after she showed her love by choosing me. Hopefully it's all sorted now.

Ultrasound and Sydney

Tuesday:

OMG what a stressful day. In summary, the ultrasound showed nothing, and we're going to Sydney!

I woke this morning feeling depressed. Scared maybe, about what the ultrasound could show? Tired, even though last night wasn't too bad, and struggling to cope. Knowing there was no use trying to lose weight, I've been trying for twenty years with no success whatsoever. Why bother? Yes I know I have sleep apnoea and almost-diabetes, but it's not like I haven't tried. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. If I can't be thin and happy maybe I should try to be fat and happy instead of fat and miserable.

But of course fat and happy is not so easy. Maybe some people can be healthy at any size, but I am tired and sick a lot of the time and I think obesity is the cause of most/all of that. I can't be happy while I'm sick and exhausted. So I am fat and unhappy, the worst of both sides. Depressed and defeated.

That was how I started the day.

My ultrasound was at 1:20 and I chose not to eat lunch beforehand. I had been comfort snacking all morning anyway. I filled up with water two hours before as required (you need a full bladder for a pelvic ultrasound, which is particularly unpleasant when you're pregnant but never comfortable), then drove to the appointment. Just as I got there I realised I didn't have my doctor referral with me. I started leaking tears. I parked and ran in to tell them but there was a long queue so I ran back out to the car to drive home and get it. Tears turned into uncontrolled sobbing. My bladder was full enough to hurt, I was going to be late for my appointment, I couldn't cope with life, I got every single red light on the way home. I cried all the way. I was just feeling completely overwhelmed. At home, I had to urinate. No way I could keep holding on. I sculled another glass of water, got the referral and drove back, about 25 minutes late. At least I managed to stop crying.

They had already taken in the person scheduled after me. So I had to wait. And wait. My bladder was bursting again, I hadn't had lunch, and I was starting to worry I wouldn't get home before the children finished school. I told the receptionist I had to urinate and she advised me to count to four then stand up which would stop the flow, so that my bladder wouldn't completely empty. By the time my radiologist (?is that the title?) got me from the waiting room, I was uncomfortably full again. And had to endure having my bladder and stomach pressed in various directions. With an ultrasound looking from the outside in, then the inside further in (what fun). Then wait while she went and got her supervisor because she couldn't find one of my ovaries. He couldn't find it either. (The same thing happened two years ago, but it was the opposite ovary they couldn't find. I do have two. I asked if it was my fat getting in the way, but no, they are just very small organs. Volume of one cubic centimetre.) I haven't got the official report yet, but they said they couldn't find anything that would cause my pelvic pain. Which is good news, I think. Maybe the blood test will show something, but the pain has greatly reduced over the past couple of days so hopefully it was a temporary ailment. And finally I got to empty my bladder!

I really wanted to pick up some take-away food for lunch but had to rush home and just made it before the kids, I passed them a couple of doors down. Because of a mis-communication with my friend, who knew I wasn't well, and her husband, who didn't know, two little friends of my children came home with them. I didn't mind really because the children play very well, have no need of supervision at their age, and all I had to do was put out some food and leave them to it. But I really needed a proper lunch, yet didn't want to either eat a meal in front of them all without offering, nor cook something for five people instead of one. I ended up just snacking. Not the best plan, I likely wasn't thinking at my best. I was exhausted and hungry and stressed, a bad combination.

I gratefully snuggled down in my armchair with my book and a lap-rug and then my husband rang. After checking how I was, he announced that the move to Sydney was happening. He doesn't actually have it in writing yet, nor a start date, but apparently all parties have approved. So we're moving! I have said I want it to be any time before Christmas, so I guess 3-4 months. I admit I'm more tired and overwhelmed right now than excited, but it's definitely a good thing. It's what I wanted. Time to start looking at houses again!

What a day.

Oh, one more thing. You remember my rumpus room, that was all finished and we put our stuff back out there on the weekend? (No, the roof hasn't started leaking again.) Well a guy from the parent company that hired all the contractors for our insurance-covered work called this morning and wanted to check out the quality of the job that had been done, and I said he was welcome to. He came and approved the nice new ceiling, and the paint job on the two white walls, but frowned at a little bit of white paint and/or plaster dust that had got on one of the two wooden walls. So now he's sending someone out to re-stain those two walls! They are coming Thursday. Not finished after all. I'll have to get Tim to move some boxes away from the walls a bit. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned about doing the perfect job, or if they are milking the insurance company for everything they can. I should probably tell them that the door sticks a bit! The saga continues.

I just checked and my ultrasound results are already up on the website (so awesome they have that feature! obviously I have a password to log in, it's secure, and I don't have to wait to see my doctor to start looking up the tricky words.) "No evidence of any pelvic mass." Those are the important words. Both this ultrasound and the one two years ago mention probable adenomyosis, which means some of my uterine lining is growing into the muscle wall. It can cause pain during heavy periods but doesn't seem to fit with current symptoms.