Monday
Another 0.7 kg down this week, to 72.9 kg. Still heading in the right direction.
I had a hard week. I got quite depressed, although the only external factor was being at a bit of a loose end on holidays too long with nothing to aim for until TAFE starts again. But the depression was like a brain fog, I sat around all day and didn't want to do anything. No energy, no motivation. Tim took the kids bowling, putt putt (mini golf), played board games with them. I didn't join in anything. I spent a lot of time just sitting, reading or staring at the TV. I was a bit sad but mostly just empty, like I was waiting for my life to start.
The obvious first possibility of culprit was the Duromine (phentermine). It's not a particularly common side effect but it does happen. Forum advice was that tryptophan can help with serotonin production, but tryptophan is not readily available in Australia. I was pretty much decided to stop taking the Duromine but tried one other thing first. I've been eating low carb, it does help me lose weight but it has messed with my mood in the past, notably in the six week hell before my wedding, after which my husband said I was never allowed to go low carb again. I was miserable and grumpy the whole time. Not even sure why I even tried it again - oh yes I do it's because the weight loss forum I'm on pushes it pretty hard. I'd been low-carbing since the New Year, three weeks now.
On the weekend I increased my carbs a bit, while still keeping calories low. And guess what. My mood improved immensely. I feel totally back to normal after two days of the occasional slice of toast, roast potato, or bunch of grapes. And eating that way didn't even seem to hurt the weight loss, most of this week's 0.7 kg loss was dropped over the weekend.
The Blood Sugar Diet that I am doing is Mediterranean and doesn't actually mention carb limits, it talks about using rice, pasta etc in small amounts as a taste rather than the main part of the meal. A lot of the recipes included have carby vegetables and beans etc. But a lot of the people on the forum (some now successfully in maintenance for over a year) are evangelical about the benefits of super-low carb and I guess I got caught up in that a bit. I never went super-low, but even low was too low for me. It probably caused my dizziness last week too.
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Monday, May 16, 2016
Time to talk
Tuesday:
I saw my doctor this morning for a routine pap smear. I am seeing her again on Friday to talk about how I'm feeling.
Last week when I was listing all my issues to Dr Miller I was surprised when she jumped on depression. To me, it was something recent that the herbal menopause medicine was helping control. But I let her schedule an appointment to discuss it. Since then, I've been looking over some blog posts to get dates of various physical tests I've had in the past, and have found the words "depressed", "sad" and "unable to cope" come up a lot more often than I expected over the past few years. Of course twelve years ago I had quite severe Post Natal Depression with my first child. And before that had depression when I had my serious ongoing shoulder pain when I couldn't even dress myself or do much of anything and had to quit my job and go through the whole stressful compensation process. And finally today I suddenly realised that I should probably include when I was a teenager and used to cut myself. So I guess, yes, you could say I have a history. And it might be time to do something about it.
I'm not sure if talking to anyone will help. Right now, there isn't anything specifically wrong to talk about. It's not like when I was a child and my family was falling apart, or later when I was in constant pain and worried I'd never be able to work again - back then I probably could have used a therapist (an independent one who wasn't paid by Comcare to do anything to get me off worker's compensation). I assume it's my hormones. What would I say? "I feel a bit sad for no particular reason." And I'm not feeling too bad since I started taking the herbal tablets, just a general lack of enthusiasm for life, a difficulty with getting on with things. But I'm willing to listen to what my GP suggests, she may refer me to someone else. I'm certainly not against "talking therapy", I'm just not sure if it will be useful to me at the moment.
I saw my doctor this morning for a routine pap smear. I am seeing her again on Friday to talk about how I'm feeling.
Last week when I was listing all my issues to Dr Miller I was surprised when she jumped on depression. To me, it was something recent that the herbal menopause medicine was helping control. But I let her schedule an appointment to discuss it. Since then, I've been looking over some blog posts to get dates of various physical tests I've had in the past, and have found the words "depressed", "sad" and "unable to cope" come up a lot more often than I expected over the past few years. Of course twelve years ago I had quite severe Post Natal Depression with my first child. And before that had depression when I had my serious ongoing shoulder pain when I couldn't even dress myself or do much of anything and had to quit my job and go through the whole stressful compensation process. And finally today I suddenly realised that I should probably include when I was a teenager and used to cut myself. So I guess, yes, you could say I have a history. And it might be time to do something about it.
I'm not sure if talking to anyone will help. Right now, there isn't anything specifically wrong to talk about. It's not like when I was a child and my family was falling apart, or later when I was in constant pain and worried I'd never be able to work again - back then I probably could have used a therapist (an independent one who wasn't paid by Comcare to do anything to get me off worker's compensation). I assume it's my hormones. What would I say? "I feel a bit sad for no particular reason." And I'm not feeling too bad since I started taking the herbal tablets, just a general lack of enthusiasm for life, a difficulty with getting on with things. But I'm willing to listen to what my GP suggests, she may refer me to someone else. I'm certainly not against "talking therapy", I'm just not sure if it will be useful to me at the moment.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Eleven: worse
Friday:
I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. Minor annoyances seemed like disaster after disaster. I assume it's illness-related. I'm no longer sure it's "just a cold" albeit a nasty one, Tim has come down with a new symptom of muscle aches which suggest flu or something else other than a cold. He is also feeling depressed.
Sorry to go on about my feeling sick - it's all I've got to talk about at the moment!
What I ate... hmm, less said the better.
I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. Minor annoyances seemed like disaster after disaster. I assume it's illness-related. I'm no longer sure it's "just a cold" albeit a nasty one, Tim has come down with a new symptom of muscle aches which suggest flu or something else other than a cold. He is also feeling depressed.
Sorry to go on about my feeling sick - it's all I've got to talk about at the moment!
What I ate... hmm, less said the better.
Friday, February 19, 2016
HRT?
Friday:
I've been feeling really depressed all week. Or longer, on and off. Tired, sad, unable to do productive work. Unable to commit to or care about looking after myself by eating nourishing food or exercising. Today I felt much better, which was a relief. But I don't know how long it will last. Since there is nothing bad going on in my life to cause depression, I'm assuming it's purely hormonal from the whole menopause thing, which can go on for years. I looked into hormone replacement therapy, but that seems to put you at higher risk for things I'm already at high risk for, so it doesn't seem like the best choice.
It was very nice to feel normal again today.
I've been feeling really depressed all week. Or longer, on and off. Tired, sad, unable to do productive work. Unable to commit to or care about looking after myself by eating nourishing food or exercising. Today I felt much better, which was a relief. But I don't know how long it will last. Since there is nothing bad going on in my life to cause depression, I'm assuming it's purely hormonal from the whole menopause thing, which can go on for years. I looked into hormone replacement therapy, but that seems to put you at higher risk for things I'm already at high risk for, so it doesn't seem like the best choice.
It was very nice to feel normal again today.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Down
Wednesday:
We brought four fruit trees in pots with us in the move, one died but the peach tree has set fruit which is lovely.
Although that could be a sign it is dying and this is its last-ditch effort to reproduce! If that is the case, it's not as dramatic "dying" as the other one that shrivelled up and went brown all over. This one looks pretty perky.
Jasmine and I are both feeling better today. I'm not even sure if I was sick. Without the illicit chocolate, I am eating pretty low carb (almost entirely from vegetables and fruit, occasionally other things like a bit of quinoa or one taco shell) and that tends to mess with my mood and energy levels, but "they" say if you keep on you get used it when your body switches over to burning fat instead. I have tried many diets, lifestyle changes, whatever you want to call them, and reducing carbs seems to be the only way I lose weight so I am trying to push through this rather depressing period.
I am fighting hard for my health here. Other times I have given up at this point because it didn't seem worth it being miserable just to lose weight. But it is worth it if the difficult part is only for a short time. This is not just about vanity, although that is certainly part of it, it is about insulin resistance, sleep apnoea, sore joints, high risk of heart attack and stroke. It is about my life.
I also always struggle a bit in school holidays when I don't get much time to myself. I don't want the family to go away for long - just a little while!
I kid myself that eating healthy would be easier if I was alone here, without home-made choc chip cupcakes sitting on the counter, but given my history of overeating mostly when bored and lonely that is probably nonsense. If I was home alone I'd find something else to eat.
We walked up to the library in the afternoon. The exercise did make me feel a tiny bit better emotionally, but horribly overheated. I was glad to be home to air conditioning. I had a long cool shower then listened to Headspace before making dinner.
Three days in a row of completely sticking to my diet plan.
Breakfast was taco salad (without the taco shells). Why not?
Lunch was rainbow chicken stir fry.
Dinner was peanut beef with Asian vegetables.
I am certainly eating plenty of food, and most of it is very tasty. Not having between-meal snacks is weird for me. Usually even if I am on a strict diet I organise it so I can have a little snack in the afternoon, probably in the morning too. And sometimes the evening! But I am eating huge amounts of vegetables and they are very filling, they seem to keep me full until close to the next meal when I can convince myself to wait another hour. If I am psychologically desperate for something, I have a cup of tea.
Water intake was bad today. Always something. This weight-loss thing is a full time job.
We brought four fruit trees in pots with us in the move, one died but the peach tree has set fruit which is lovely.
I am fighting hard for my health here. Other times I have given up at this point because it didn't seem worth it being miserable just to lose weight. But it is worth it if the difficult part is only for a short time. This is not just about vanity, although that is certainly part of it, it is about insulin resistance, sleep apnoea, sore joints, high risk of heart attack and stroke. It is about my life.
I also always struggle a bit in school holidays when I don't get much time to myself. I don't want the family to go away for long - just a little while!
I kid myself that eating healthy would be easier if I was alone here, without home-made choc chip cupcakes sitting on the counter, but given my history of overeating mostly when bored and lonely that is probably nonsense. If I was home alone I'd find something else to eat.
We walked up to the library in the afternoon. The exercise did make me feel a tiny bit better emotionally, but horribly overheated. I was glad to be home to air conditioning. I had a long cool shower then listened to Headspace before making dinner.
Three days in a row of completely sticking to my diet plan.
Breakfast was taco salad (without the taco shells). Why not?
Lunch was rainbow chicken stir fry.
Dinner was peanut beef with Asian vegetables.
I am certainly eating plenty of food, and most of it is very tasty. Not having between-meal snacks is weird for me. Usually even if I am on a strict diet I organise it so I can have a little snack in the afternoon, probably in the morning too. And sometimes the evening! But I am eating huge amounts of vegetables and they are very filling, they seem to keep me full until close to the next meal when I can convince myself to wait another hour. If I am psychologically desperate for something, I have a cup of tea.
Water intake was bad today. Always something. This weight-loss thing is a full time job.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Land
Tuesday:
I wrote this post at three different times during the day. It is clear my mood was different each time!
morning
Not quite so frantic this morning! Although our real estate agent was coming to have a proper look around, things were still pretty good from yesterday. With children (or, indeed, anyone living in the house), nothing stays perfect for long; but I only had to pick up some clothes, make the beds, wipe down the kitchen, stuff like that. It's looking pretty good here. Apart from the dining table, which is covered in stuff we still need to deal with, and a few things like cleaning the outdoor furniture, we're feeling close to ready for our house to go on the market Saturday week.
Also today the window guys came to deal with our bathroom window which needed some work. Another thing done and dusted.
afternoon
I've been dealing with mood swings a bit lately. Probably a combination of stress, not enough sleep, and poor diet. I'll go from feeling confident and relaxed to depressed and overwhelmed for no obvious reason. I know I feel better when I've achieved something in the day and eaten well, but it's hard to do either of those things when I'm feeling low. It's easier to sit around and feel sorry for myself.
evening
I spent a couple of hours at a friend's house after school and we looked at houses online while the kids played. She found a block of land I'd somehow missed, in the area we want to move into and apparently within our price range (taking into account the cost of building a house on the land, which we are still looking into). It is going to be auctioned on Saturday - which means of course the price is only a guide. I have looked at land before, but it was either too expensive or on a sloping rocky difficult block which would make building the house a lot more expensive. This block is relatively flat and has already been cleared - someone bought it a year ago and had housing plans approved but it seems they don't want it any more - it is not a huge block which has its downside of course but also makes it more affordable.
My friend and I looked at some builder's sites and I found a house plan that I love, hopefully they will contact me soon with prices. I know the price can vary a lot depending on a lot of factors but it would be nice to have a general idea so we know how much we could spend on the land.
Having to rent for a while, while the house is built, is a bit of a hassle, but it would solve some problems. It would give us time to sell this house (we'd need some money to buy the land, but not as much upfront as if we bought an existing house), we'd know what area we'd end up in so could settle the kids into the correct school straight away, and we would end up with a house that suited us perfectly! I am quite excited by the prospect. But there are many hurdles to jump yet. I can dream, can't I?
I wrote this post at three different times during the day. It is clear my mood was different each time!
morning
Not quite so frantic this morning! Although our real estate agent was coming to have a proper look around, things were still pretty good from yesterday. With children (or, indeed, anyone living in the house), nothing stays perfect for long; but I only had to pick up some clothes, make the beds, wipe down the kitchen, stuff like that. It's looking pretty good here. Apart from the dining table, which is covered in stuff we still need to deal with, and a few things like cleaning the outdoor furniture, we're feeling close to ready for our house to go on the market Saturday week.
Also today the window guys came to deal with our bathroom window which needed some work. Another thing done and dusted.
afternoon
I've been dealing with mood swings a bit lately. Probably a combination of stress, not enough sleep, and poor diet. I'll go from feeling confident and relaxed to depressed and overwhelmed for no obvious reason. I know I feel better when I've achieved something in the day and eaten well, but it's hard to do either of those things when I'm feeling low. It's easier to sit around and feel sorry for myself.
evening
I spent a couple of hours at a friend's house after school and we looked at houses online while the kids played. She found a block of land I'd somehow missed, in the area we want to move into and apparently within our price range (taking into account the cost of building a house on the land, which we are still looking into). It is going to be auctioned on Saturday - which means of course the price is only a guide. I have looked at land before, but it was either too expensive or on a sloping rocky difficult block which would make building the house a lot more expensive. This block is relatively flat and has already been cleared - someone bought it a year ago and had housing plans approved but it seems they don't want it any more - it is not a huge block which has its downside of course but also makes it more affordable.
My friend and I looked at some builder's sites and I found a house plan that I love, hopefully they will contact me soon with prices. I know the price can vary a lot depending on a lot of factors but it would be nice to have a general idea so we know how much we could spend on the land.
Having to rent for a while, while the house is built, is a bit of a hassle, but it would solve some problems. It would give us time to sell this house (we'd need some money to buy the land, but not as much upfront as if we bought an existing house), we'd know what area we'd end up in so could settle the kids into the correct school straight away, and we would end up with a house that suited us perfectly! I am quite excited by the prospect. But there are many hurdles to jump yet. I can dream, can't I?
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Ultrasound and Sydney
Tuesday:
OMG what a stressful day. In summary, the ultrasound showed nothing, and we're going to Sydney!
I woke this morning feeling depressed. Scared maybe, about what the ultrasound could show? Tired, even though last night wasn't too bad, and struggling to cope. Knowing there was no use trying to lose weight, I've been trying for twenty years with no success whatsoever. Why bother? Yes I know I have sleep apnoea and almost-diabetes, but it's not like I haven't tried. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. If I can't be thin and happy maybe I should try to be fat and happy instead of fat and miserable.
But of course fat and happy is not so easy. Maybe some people can be healthy at any size, but I am tired and sick a lot of the time and I think obesity is the cause of most/all of that. I can't be happy while I'm sick and exhausted. So I am fat and unhappy, the worst of both sides. Depressed and defeated.
That was how I started the day.
My ultrasound was at 1:20 and I chose not to eat lunch beforehand. I had been comfort snacking all morning anyway. I filled up with water two hours before as required (you need a full bladder for a pelvic ultrasound, which is particularly unpleasant when you're pregnant but never comfortable), then drove to the appointment. Just as I got there I realised I didn't have my doctor referral with me. I started leaking tears. I parked and ran in to tell them but there was a long queue so I ran back out to the car to drive home and get it. Tears turned into uncontrolled sobbing. My bladder was full enough to hurt, I was going to be late for my appointment, I couldn't cope with life, I got every single red light on the way home. I cried all the way. I was just feeling completely overwhelmed. At home, I had to urinate. No way I could keep holding on. I sculled another glass of water, got the referral and drove back, about 25 minutes late. At least I managed to stop crying.
They had already taken in the person scheduled after me. So I had to wait. And wait. My bladder was bursting again, I hadn't had lunch, and I was starting to worry I wouldn't get home before the children finished school. I told the receptionist I had to urinate and she advised me to count to four then stand up which would stop the flow, so that my bladder wouldn't completely empty. By the time my radiologist (?is that the title?) got me from the waiting room, I was uncomfortably full again. And had to endure having my bladder and stomach pressed in various directions. With an ultrasound looking from the outside in, then the inside further in (what fun). Then wait while she went and got her supervisor because she couldn't find one of my ovaries. He couldn't find it either. (The same thing happened two years ago, but it was the opposite ovary they couldn't find. I do have two. I asked if it was my fat getting in the way, but no, they are just very small organs. Volume of one cubic centimetre.) I haven't got the official report yet, but they said they couldn't find anything that would cause my pelvic pain. Which is good news, I think. Maybe the blood test will show something, but the pain has greatly reduced over the past couple of days so hopefully it was a temporary ailment. And finally I got to empty my bladder!
I really wanted to pick up some take-away food for lunch but had to rush home and just made it before the kids, I passed them a couple of doors down. Because of a mis-communication with my friend, who knew I wasn't well, and her husband, who didn't know, two little friends of my children came home with them. I didn't mind really because the children play very well, have no need of supervision at their age, and all I had to do was put out some food and leave them to it. But I really needed a proper lunch, yet didn't want to either eat a meal in front of them all without offering, nor cook something for five people instead of one. I ended up just snacking. Not the best plan, I likely wasn't thinking at my best. I was exhausted and hungry and stressed, a bad combination.
I gratefully snuggled down in my armchair with my book and a lap-rug and then my husband rang. After checking how I was, he announced that the move to Sydney was happening. He doesn't actually have it in writing yet, nor a start date, but apparently all parties have approved. So we're moving! I have said I want it to be any time before Christmas, so I guess 3-4 months. I admit I'm more tired and overwhelmed right now than excited, but it's definitely a good thing. It's what I wanted. Time to start looking at houses again!
What a day.
Oh, one more thing. You remember my rumpus room, that was all finished and we put our stuff back out there on the weekend? (No, the roof hasn't started leaking again.) Well a guy from the parent company that hired all the contractors for our insurance-covered work called this morning and wanted to check out the quality of the job that had been done, and I said he was welcome to. He came and approved the nice new ceiling, and the paint job on the two white walls, but frowned at a little bit of white paint and/or plaster dust that had got on one of the two wooden walls. So now he's sending someone out to re-stain those two walls! They are coming Thursday. Not finished after all. I'll have to get Tim to move some boxes away from the walls a bit. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned about doing the perfect job, or if they are milking the insurance company for everything they can. I should probably tell them that the door sticks a bit! The saga continues.
I just checked and my ultrasound results are already up on the website (so awesome they have that feature! obviously I have a password to log in, it's secure, and I don't have to wait to see my doctor to start looking up the tricky words.) "No evidence of any pelvic mass." Those are the important words. Both this ultrasound and the one two years ago mention probable adenomyosis, which means some of my uterine lining is growing into the muscle wall. It can cause pain during heavy periods but doesn't seem to fit with current symptoms.
OMG what a stressful day. In summary, the ultrasound showed nothing, and we're going to Sydney!
I woke this morning feeling depressed. Scared maybe, about what the ultrasound could show? Tired, even though last night wasn't too bad, and struggling to cope. Knowing there was no use trying to lose weight, I've been trying for twenty years with no success whatsoever. Why bother? Yes I know I have sleep apnoea and almost-diabetes, but it's not like I haven't tried. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. If I can't be thin and happy maybe I should try to be fat and happy instead of fat and miserable.
But of course fat and happy is not so easy. Maybe some people can be healthy at any size, but I am tired and sick a lot of the time and I think obesity is the cause of most/all of that. I can't be happy while I'm sick and exhausted. So I am fat and unhappy, the worst of both sides. Depressed and defeated.
That was how I started the day.
My ultrasound was at 1:20 and I chose not to eat lunch beforehand. I had been comfort snacking all morning anyway. I filled up with water two hours before as required (you need a full bladder for a pelvic ultrasound, which is particularly unpleasant when you're pregnant but never comfortable), then drove to the appointment. Just as I got there I realised I didn't have my doctor referral with me. I started leaking tears. I parked and ran in to tell them but there was a long queue so I ran back out to the car to drive home and get it. Tears turned into uncontrolled sobbing. My bladder was full enough to hurt, I was going to be late for my appointment, I couldn't cope with life, I got every single red light on the way home. I cried all the way. I was just feeling completely overwhelmed. At home, I had to urinate. No way I could keep holding on. I sculled another glass of water, got the referral and drove back, about 25 minutes late. At least I managed to stop crying.
They had already taken in the person scheduled after me. So I had to wait. And wait. My bladder was bursting again, I hadn't had lunch, and I was starting to worry I wouldn't get home before the children finished school. I told the receptionist I had to urinate and she advised me to count to four then stand up which would stop the flow, so that my bladder wouldn't completely empty. By the time my radiologist (?is that the title?) got me from the waiting room, I was uncomfortably full again. And had to endure having my bladder and stomach pressed in various directions. With an ultrasound looking from the outside in, then the inside further in (what fun). Then wait while she went and got her supervisor because she couldn't find one of my ovaries. He couldn't find it either. (The same thing happened two years ago, but it was the opposite ovary they couldn't find. I do have two. I asked if it was my fat getting in the way, but no, they are just very small organs. Volume of one cubic centimetre.) I haven't got the official report yet, but they said they couldn't find anything that would cause my pelvic pain. Which is good news, I think. Maybe the blood test will show something, but the pain has greatly reduced over the past couple of days so hopefully it was a temporary ailment. And finally I got to empty my bladder!
I really wanted to pick up some take-away food for lunch but had to rush home and just made it before the kids, I passed them a couple of doors down. Because of a mis-communication with my friend, who knew I wasn't well, and her husband, who didn't know, two little friends of my children came home with them. I didn't mind really because the children play very well, have no need of supervision at their age, and all I had to do was put out some food and leave them to it. But I really needed a proper lunch, yet didn't want to either eat a meal in front of them all without offering, nor cook something for five people instead of one. I ended up just snacking. Not the best plan, I likely wasn't thinking at my best. I was exhausted and hungry and stressed, a bad combination.
I gratefully snuggled down in my armchair with my book and a lap-rug and then my husband rang. After checking how I was, he announced that the move to Sydney was happening. He doesn't actually have it in writing yet, nor a start date, but apparently all parties have approved. So we're moving! I have said I want it to be any time before Christmas, so I guess 3-4 months. I admit I'm more tired and overwhelmed right now than excited, but it's definitely a good thing. It's what I wanted. Time to start looking at houses again!
What a day.
Oh, one more thing. You remember my rumpus room, that was all finished and we put our stuff back out there on the weekend? (No, the roof hasn't started leaking again.) Well a guy from the parent company that hired all the contractors for our insurance-covered work called this morning and wanted to check out the quality of the job that had been done, and I said he was welcome to. He came and approved the nice new ceiling, and the paint job on the two white walls, but frowned at a little bit of white paint and/or plaster dust that had got on one of the two wooden walls. So now he's sending someone out to re-stain those two walls! They are coming Thursday. Not finished after all. I'll have to get Tim to move some boxes away from the walls a bit. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned about doing the perfect job, or if they are milking the insurance company for everything they can. I should probably tell them that the door sticks a bit! The saga continues.
I just checked and my ultrasound results are already up on the website (so awesome they have that feature! obviously I have a password to log in, it's secure, and I don't have to wait to see my doctor to start looking up the tricky words.) "No evidence of any pelvic mass." Those are the important words. Both this ultrasound and the one two years ago mention probable adenomyosis, which means some of my uterine lining is growing into the muscle wall. It can cause pain during heavy periods but doesn't seem to fit with current symptoms.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Inside Out
Tuesday:
Is it Tuesday? School holidays don't follow our usual daily pattern, so I get lost sometimes.
We went to the movies this morning, firstly doing a lap inside the shopping centre as a bit of a walk. We saw "Inside Out" which was really good. Luckily kids' movies these days tend to appeal to parents as well, because I rarely see anything else!
We went to a Thai restaurant for lunch and ordered two dishes between the three of us, one served with rice and one served with rice noodles. I didn't eat any of the starches, sticking to chicken and vegetables (and yummy sauces of course). I had a chocolate bar in the movie.
Then we did some grocery shopping and came home.
I've been feeling pretty depressed, last night and today. Part of it is thinking about dad's death, and partly these persistent germs (I have a sore throat again) but partly it is FogDog's fault! He is the latest of the bloggers I follow to give up sugar and suddenly lose weight (13 pounds in 13 days) with no cravings after the first few days -- not just no cravings for sugar but for any food. We used to be on the same page about the whole sugar thing, but now he writes:
"I've read a lot of literature on the evils of sugar. I've always held the belief that anything is OK as long as it is in moderation. I'm not so sure about that belief anymore."
I guess I don't want to believe this is true for me. I mean, I don't eat that much sugar, right? I just looked up that the average for someone from the US is 76.7 grams of added sugar per day, not including juice. Since my treats are usually savoury and I cook nearly all meals from scratch; most days I would have 10-20 grams of added sugar, primarily in my tea and in chocolate. I've already given up all the yummy starches that I love. You want me to give up tea and chocolate as well! So unfair.
But it seems to work for so many people. And nothing I try does.
I have tried giving up sugar a couple of times; last year along with dairy, alcohol, soy and grains, for Whole 30. I didn't make it to 30 days. I felt depressed for eight days and much better when I gave up and ate a few chocolate chips, so make of that what you will. I always feel horrible when I go low-carb, so it's hard to separate out the effect of withdrawal from processed sugar.
... I left it there instead of continuing a rant about how much life sucked and why was everyone being mean to me by giving up sugar. About an hour later I suddenly connected several of my sentences together.
"I've been feeling pretty depressed, last night and today."
"I've already given up all the yummy starches that I love."
"I always feel horrible when I go low carb."
Seeing any connection?!
When I had this epiphany I was already feeling quite a lot better, oddly enough after eating a couple of tablespoons of All Bran as recommended by the Glycaemic Load book guy to keep fibre levels up. Hmm, any relevance there? You think?!
I felt an immediate huge emotional relief on top of already feeling less depressed after the All Bran. I wasn't just randomly miserable, it was my well established inability to handle low carb diets! (NB, it was nothing to do with sugar as I was still having my usual amount of sugar -- how I feel without sugar specifically is yet to be established.)
Clearly I need to be vigilant about getting enough carbohydrate while I cut out starches. It's tricky. I'm not allowed the most carbohydrate-rich foods and I don't like pumpkin or sweet potato, so I need to keep up the levels of other vegetables and fruit. And All Bran. Otherwise I'll be turning to more sugar and caffeine to prop up my mood.
Report card:
Diet: Ok. A bit too much chocolate (I think to combat depression).
Breakfast: Bacon. Orange. Tea. It was a fairly small serve of bacon, two short rashers, but I shouldn't have it more than once a week (my doctor said once a year!). But I struggled with breakfast already and now I've cut out toast and all cereals it doesn't leave much that I want to eat first thing. I don't want eggs every day, I need to make sure I have some leftover meat available at least some mornings.
Morning: Toblerone chocolate bar. Cheese.
Lunch: Thai chicken and vegetables in peanut sauce.
Afternoon: All Bran. One square of dark chocolate (melted over the All Bran to make it edible, it was pretty good actually, like a little chocolate and fibre cookie). Tea.
Dinner: Bolognaise with zoodles (zucchini noodles) and cheese.
Exercise: Ok. A short walk.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Poor.
Mental health: Poor.
Is it Tuesday? School holidays don't follow our usual daily pattern, so I get lost sometimes.
We went to the movies this morning, firstly doing a lap inside the shopping centre as a bit of a walk. We saw "Inside Out" which was really good. Luckily kids' movies these days tend to appeal to parents as well, because I rarely see anything else!
We went to a Thai restaurant for lunch and ordered two dishes between the three of us, one served with rice and one served with rice noodles. I didn't eat any of the starches, sticking to chicken and vegetables (and yummy sauces of course). I had a chocolate bar in the movie.
Then we did some grocery shopping and came home.
I've been feeling pretty depressed, last night and today. Part of it is thinking about dad's death, and partly these persistent germs (I have a sore throat again) but partly it is FogDog's fault! He is the latest of the bloggers I follow to give up sugar and suddenly lose weight (13 pounds in 13 days) with no cravings after the first few days -- not just no cravings for sugar but for any food. We used to be on the same page about the whole sugar thing, but now he writes:
"I've read a lot of literature on the evils of sugar. I've always held the belief that anything is OK as long as it is in moderation. I'm not so sure about that belief anymore."
I guess I don't want to believe this is true for me. I mean, I don't eat that much sugar, right? I just looked up that the average for someone from the US is 76.7 grams of added sugar per day, not including juice. Since my treats are usually savoury and I cook nearly all meals from scratch; most days I would have 10-20 grams of added sugar, primarily in my tea and in chocolate. I've already given up all the yummy starches that I love. You want me to give up tea and chocolate as well! So unfair.
But it seems to work for so many people. And nothing I try does.
I have tried giving up sugar a couple of times; last year along with dairy, alcohol, soy and grains, for Whole 30. I didn't make it to 30 days. I felt depressed for eight days and much better when I gave up and ate a few chocolate chips, so make of that what you will. I always feel horrible when I go low-carb, so it's hard to separate out the effect of withdrawal from processed sugar.
... I left it there instead of continuing a rant about how much life sucked and why was everyone being mean to me by giving up sugar. About an hour later I suddenly connected several of my sentences together.
"I've been feeling pretty depressed, last night and today."
"I've already given up all the yummy starches that I love."
"I always feel horrible when I go low carb."
Seeing any connection?!
When I had this epiphany I was already feeling quite a lot better, oddly enough after eating a couple of tablespoons of All Bran as recommended by the Glycaemic Load book guy to keep fibre levels up. Hmm, any relevance there? You think?!
I felt an immediate huge emotional relief on top of already feeling less depressed after the All Bran. I wasn't just randomly miserable, it was my well established inability to handle low carb diets! (NB, it was nothing to do with sugar as I was still having my usual amount of sugar -- how I feel without sugar specifically is yet to be established.)
Clearly I need to be vigilant about getting enough carbohydrate while I cut out starches. It's tricky. I'm not allowed the most carbohydrate-rich foods and I don't like pumpkin or sweet potato, so I need to keep up the levels of other vegetables and fruit. And All Bran. Otherwise I'll be turning to more sugar and caffeine to prop up my mood.
Report card:
Diet: Ok. A bit too much chocolate (I think to combat depression).
Breakfast: Bacon. Orange. Tea. It was a fairly small serve of bacon, two short rashers, but I shouldn't have it more than once a week (my doctor said once a year!). But I struggled with breakfast already and now I've cut out toast and all cereals it doesn't leave much that I want to eat first thing. I don't want eggs every day, I need to make sure I have some leftover meat available at least some mornings.
Morning: Toblerone chocolate bar. Cheese.
Lunch: Thai chicken and vegetables in peanut sauce.
Afternoon: All Bran. One square of dark chocolate (melted over the All Bran to make it edible, it was pretty good actually, like a little chocolate and fibre cookie). Tea.
Dinner: Bolognaise with zoodles (zucchini noodles) and cheese.
Exercise: Ok. A short walk.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Poor.
Mental health: Poor.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Cancer
Wednesday:
I woke with headache, fatigue, sneezing and runny nose. I was rather relieved. I would hate to have been feeling so yuck for the last couple of days for no reason!
I actually mean that. I have experienced severe depression a couple of times, in response to specific horrible circumstances. The last few days I have felt like I was slipping into depression for no reason, or not a very good reason. I am sad about my mother's death, emotionally bruised about revising my book, frustrated about my inability to lose weight, stressed about the thought of moving house and state. None of these is the same as depression; which is where you not only feel terrible, you feel like nothing will ever get better. You want to give up on life because your circumstances and your emotional state will never improve and there is nothing you can do about it.
But now I think I just have a cold or flu and that is combining with those other issues to bring me down. Temporary and I can deal with it.
I was thinking last night about the two opposing voices in my head. One says "how dare you even feel sad, let alone depressed, your life is so privileged you should be happy and grateful every day." The other says "you are entitled to have feelings like everyone else." The first voice is much louder than the second! But I think I can take something valuable from both. From the first, yes I need to practice gratitude more. Focus a bit more on the good and positive things in my life, make sure I appreciate them. From the second voice, I need to let myself feel my feelings. Supressing negative feelings is likely one of the causes of my obesity. I feel guilty if I get angry or sad. I need to process my feelings instead of squashing them under food. For the record, I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I don't talk about much here. I have a great life now, but I didn't always. I used to cut myself as a teenager because physical pain distracted me from the emotional pain. Not that that means someone who had a nice childhood isn't allowed to have feelings! I need to work on both sides of this equation. Look for the good, but let myself acknowledge and feel the bad.
It was pouring rain this morning so I drove Tim to work. A lovely thing about being in such a small city is that even in peak hour in bad weather conditions it took less than 30 mins to get there and 10 home again.
The morning disappeared again somehow with not much done. I had a nap after my chicken soup lunch and did a little work on my novel. At the moment I'm just ruthlessly cutting out the worst bits! Then I'll start fixing up what is left. It's not a complete disaster, the criticisms were mainly about the first quarter of the book. I need to work a lot on the first section. I guess that makes sense, it was the first part I wrote, with the least experience.
... I just heard from my cousin Kimberley that her mother, my mother's sister, has been diagnosed with cancer and is already in palliative care too weak for chemotherapy and they don't know how long she has. Only two months since mum died of cancer. It's just horrible. I talked to my aunt when she came to visit my mum in hospital in January and she'd been experiencing a lot of pain in her bones then but they hadn't yet diagnosed cancer. I grew up in the same street as my aunt, just two houses away, I probably played over there every second day when Kimberley wasn't over at my house. My mum was the eldest and sickly and overweight all her life, Kim's mum was always slender and fit and healthy. Made no difference. Cancer has got her anyway.
Rich and famous doesn't make you happy. Thin doesn't make you immortal. A marriage contract doesn't make you safe from heartbreak and loneliness. Today on the news a woman ran over her own toddler, backing out of her driveway. There is nothing you can do to protect yourself. Life is pain, princess.
I woke with headache, fatigue, sneezing and runny nose. I was rather relieved. I would hate to have been feeling so yuck for the last couple of days for no reason!
I actually mean that. I have experienced severe depression a couple of times, in response to specific horrible circumstances. The last few days I have felt like I was slipping into depression for no reason, or not a very good reason. I am sad about my mother's death, emotionally bruised about revising my book, frustrated about my inability to lose weight, stressed about the thought of moving house and state. None of these is the same as depression; which is where you not only feel terrible, you feel like nothing will ever get better. You want to give up on life because your circumstances and your emotional state will never improve and there is nothing you can do about it.
But now I think I just have a cold or flu and that is combining with those other issues to bring me down. Temporary and I can deal with it.
I was thinking last night about the two opposing voices in my head. One says "how dare you even feel sad, let alone depressed, your life is so privileged you should be happy and grateful every day." The other says "you are entitled to have feelings like everyone else." The first voice is much louder than the second! But I think I can take something valuable from both. From the first, yes I need to practice gratitude more. Focus a bit more on the good and positive things in my life, make sure I appreciate them. From the second voice, I need to let myself feel my feelings. Supressing negative feelings is likely one of the causes of my obesity. I feel guilty if I get angry or sad. I need to process my feelings instead of squashing them under food. For the record, I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I don't talk about much here. I have a great life now, but I didn't always. I used to cut myself as a teenager because physical pain distracted me from the emotional pain. Not that that means someone who had a nice childhood isn't allowed to have feelings! I need to work on both sides of this equation. Look for the good, but let myself acknowledge and feel the bad.
It was pouring rain this morning so I drove Tim to work. A lovely thing about being in such a small city is that even in peak hour in bad weather conditions it took less than 30 mins to get there and 10 home again.
The morning disappeared again somehow with not much done. I had a nap after my chicken soup lunch and did a little work on my novel. At the moment I'm just ruthlessly cutting out the worst bits! Then I'll start fixing up what is left. It's not a complete disaster, the criticisms were mainly about the first quarter of the book. I need to work a lot on the first section. I guess that makes sense, it was the first part I wrote, with the least experience.
... I just heard from my cousin Kimberley that her mother, my mother's sister, has been diagnosed with cancer and is already in palliative care too weak for chemotherapy and they don't know how long she has. Only two months since mum died of cancer. It's just horrible. I talked to my aunt when she came to visit my mum in hospital in January and she'd been experiencing a lot of pain in her bones then but they hadn't yet diagnosed cancer. I grew up in the same street as my aunt, just two houses away, I probably played over there every second day when Kimberley wasn't over at my house. My mum was the eldest and sickly and overweight all her life, Kim's mum was always slender and fit and healthy. Made no difference. Cancer has got her anyway.
Rich and famous doesn't make you happy. Thin doesn't make you immortal. A marriage contract doesn't make you safe from heartbreak and loneliness. Today on the news a woman ran over her own toddler, backing out of her driveway. There is nothing you can do to protect yourself. Life is pain, princess.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Some unresolved issues
Friday:
I grew up very close to my mum's side of the family, some lived in the same street and all of us had Sunday dinner at Grandma's every week. I was the oldest girl. I moved cities around 15 years ago so I've gradually met up with them less and less, now it's every second Christmas plus weddings.
In those fifteen years I've put on a lot of weight. And they haven't. I have three aunts in their 60s who could all star in an infomercial about the latest abdominal toning equipment or miracle face cream. My cousins (male and female) are all toned and tanned and slender and athletic. They play sport and watch sport and coach sport and at least one has done some modelling. My mum and I are the only overweight ones.
They are lovely people. They have never done anything to make me feel bad, not deliberately. But in contrast to them I feel short and fat and dumpy and inadequate.
No other group makes me feel like this. My husband's family are all shapes and sizes and I feel very comfortable with them. I am probably the fattest of my friends, but that doesn't bother me. But I am growing to dread every second Christmas. About six months before I generally go into a bit of a diet panic. Six months is long enough to make a difference. Then the months pass and I haven't lost any weight and I feel worse and worse and more desperate.
One of my younger cousins has just got engaged. She's having an engagement party in a month, and I felt like we should go even though I was never close to her, she is nearly 20 years younger than me and she was only little when I moved away. Her big sister is my favourite cousin. But I was dreading it so much that I was lying awake for ages last night agonising about it. Thinking I'd have to get something new to wear but no matter what I bought I would still look dumpy. Not fitting in with the beautiful people partying on a rooftop in the middle of the city. Feeling awkward and clumsy and FAT.
I said earlier in the week that I'd had a bad dream and started the day off badly. At the time, I didn't connect the dream to this. I do now. In the dream I was at my grandma's place with all my cousins and I was being ostracized by everyone. I would try to play with them and they'd slip away and I'd look out the window and they'd all be outside. So I'd go outside and they would leave again. My identical twin sister (who in reality died when we were babies, but she was alive in my dream) was standing up for me a bit, but it was obvious she was just tolerating me to be nice. My grandma was being horrible too.
Nothing like that ever happened in real life! As one of the oldest children I was the leader of the girls. I was the one inventing the games, with the younger ones following me around. And, as I said, they are all lovely people. When I woke up I was sad and upset but I didn't think it meant anything. But I guess that is how I feel inside about my relationship with them now. Despite their best efforts to include me, I feel excluded and just not good enough.
After stressing about it half the night, I told my cousin this morning we couldn't go to her party. So now I just have Christmas to worry about. It makes me think crazy things like "maybe if I only eat vegetables and nothing else between now and then ..." and I know that is stupid so I just want to give up on trying to lose weight altogether.
I have lots of reasons to want to lose weight. This isn't a good one because it doesn't motivate me in a good way. It just makes me feel depressed and desperate and a failure. I've sort of worked through my feelings, last night and today, and I'm ok but completely exhausted.
I grew up very close to my mum's side of the family, some lived in the same street and all of us had Sunday dinner at Grandma's every week. I was the oldest girl. I moved cities around 15 years ago so I've gradually met up with them less and less, now it's every second Christmas plus weddings.
In those fifteen years I've put on a lot of weight. And they haven't. I have three aunts in their 60s who could all star in an infomercial about the latest abdominal toning equipment or miracle face cream. My cousins (male and female) are all toned and tanned and slender and athletic. They play sport and watch sport and coach sport and at least one has done some modelling. My mum and I are the only overweight ones.
They are lovely people. They have never done anything to make me feel bad, not deliberately. But in contrast to them I feel short and fat and dumpy and inadequate.
No other group makes me feel like this. My husband's family are all shapes and sizes and I feel very comfortable with them. I am probably the fattest of my friends, but that doesn't bother me. But I am growing to dread every second Christmas. About six months before I generally go into a bit of a diet panic. Six months is long enough to make a difference. Then the months pass and I haven't lost any weight and I feel worse and worse and more desperate.
One of my younger cousins has just got engaged. She's having an engagement party in a month, and I felt like we should go even though I was never close to her, she is nearly 20 years younger than me and she was only little when I moved away. Her big sister is my favourite cousin. But I was dreading it so much that I was lying awake for ages last night agonising about it. Thinking I'd have to get something new to wear but no matter what I bought I would still look dumpy. Not fitting in with the beautiful people partying on a rooftop in the middle of the city. Feeling awkward and clumsy and FAT.
I said earlier in the week that I'd had a bad dream and started the day off badly. At the time, I didn't connect the dream to this. I do now. In the dream I was at my grandma's place with all my cousins and I was being ostracized by everyone. I would try to play with them and they'd slip away and I'd look out the window and they'd all be outside. So I'd go outside and they would leave again. My identical twin sister (who in reality died when we were babies, but she was alive in my dream) was standing up for me a bit, but it was obvious she was just tolerating me to be nice. My grandma was being horrible too.
Nothing like that ever happened in real life! As one of the oldest children I was the leader of the girls. I was the one inventing the games, with the younger ones following me around. And, as I said, they are all lovely people. When I woke up I was sad and upset but I didn't think it meant anything. But I guess that is how I feel inside about my relationship with them now. Despite their best efforts to include me, I feel excluded and just not good enough.
After stressing about it half the night, I told my cousin this morning we couldn't go to her party. So now I just have Christmas to worry about. It makes me think crazy things like "maybe if I only eat vegetables and nothing else between now and then ..." and I know that is stupid so I just want to give up on trying to lose weight altogether.
I have lots of reasons to want to lose weight. This isn't a good one because it doesn't motivate me in a good way. It just makes me feel depressed and desperate and a failure. I've sort of worked through my feelings, last night and today, and I'm ok but completely exhausted.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Struggles
Thursday:
Sometimes I think working from home is a really bad idea. It was/is practical with two young children, but so isolating. My husband works long hours and I often go days without seeing anyone else for more than a few words at school pick-up. When my closest friend here, who I try to get together with once a week, has only been available about one week in three lately now that she's working full-time; and my husband is away for a couple of nights, I feel really lonely and alone.
I've thought about getting part-time work somewhere that I would see people, hopefully still as an editor, but there are two reasons why it's not a great option right now. Firstly my old RSI problem is still a problem if I spend long hours at the computer -- working for myself I can take lots of breaks -- and secondly we are trying to move states soon, dependant on my husband finding work there. I feel like my life is a bit on hold while waiting for that.
Feel depressed today. Don't know how I am going to lose this weight. I have thought about not taking on any new clients, and when I finish this job (with one more coming some indefinite time in the future) just devoting myself to exercise. Just walking or something for five hours a day.
I don't think I am very good at working for myself anyway. I spend far too much time wasting time, as I have no boss watching me. I charge clients by the word, not the hour, so I am not cheating them; but I'm not very efficient with my time these days. So different from the old me. I used to be so organised, so conscentious, always on-time. Now I am unmotivated and lazy. My health is suffering and my mental health is suffering. I need to change something.
Time to pick up the kids and go to the gym. I'd rather just crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Wake up in 100 years like sleeping beauty to find everything has miraculously changed.
Sometimes I think working from home is a really bad idea. It was/is practical with two young children, but so isolating. My husband works long hours and I often go days without seeing anyone else for more than a few words at school pick-up. When my closest friend here, who I try to get together with once a week, has only been available about one week in three lately now that she's working full-time; and my husband is away for a couple of nights, I feel really lonely and alone.
I've thought about getting part-time work somewhere that I would see people, hopefully still as an editor, but there are two reasons why it's not a great option right now. Firstly my old RSI problem is still a problem if I spend long hours at the computer -- working for myself I can take lots of breaks -- and secondly we are trying to move states soon, dependant on my husband finding work there. I feel like my life is a bit on hold while waiting for that.
Feel depressed today. Don't know how I am going to lose this weight. I have thought about not taking on any new clients, and when I finish this job (with one more coming some indefinite time in the future) just devoting myself to exercise. Just walking or something for five hours a day.
I don't think I am very good at working for myself anyway. I spend far too much time wasting time, as I have no boss watching me. I charge clients by the word, not the hour, so I am not cheating them; but I'm not very efficient with my time these days. So different from the old me. I used to be so organised, so conscentious, always on-time. Now I am unmotivated and lazy. My health is suffering and my mental health is suffering. I need to change something.
Time to pick up the kids and go to the gym. I'd rather just crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Wake up in 100 years like sleeping beauty to find everything has miraculously changed.
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