Happy

Friday:

I didn't get to use the new virtual reality headset last night, apart from putting it on for a minute to see what it looked like, as everyone was so eager to try it out. The kids monopolised it until they went to bed then I thought Tim should get to have a go since it was really his baby! Today I tried it out and I only had to call Tim three times at work to sort it out lol.

There is a headset with a sort of screen in front of your eyes and you can look up and around and all directions by turning your head. Also headphones. And a controller in each hand with a few buttons. We marked out how big our room was so it only lets you take a couple of steps before a virtual wall appears to stop you walking into a real wall. And people outside the game can see everything you're looking at on a computer screen.

We have two games, one is a dungeon adventure which is a little suspenseful since it seems like you're right there next to the skeleton swinging a sword at you. I didn't spend long in that one. It's quite cartoonish but very 3D, it kind of feels like you're in a castle built of cardboard. The graphics are nothing compared to any normal computer game but it's still very impressive to feel like you're right there in it. The other is a cute puzzle game where you move pipes around to redirect the flow of water. I spent a bit more time on that one. I'm sure there are other games out there, and more will be created now that VR headsets are available.

Tim's brother and cousins are coming over tonight, supposedly to watch a movie together but I think they are going to spend the evening in virtual worlds!

My foot is so much better today. I was singing to myself as I did the grocery shopping (Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid, if you're interested), unable to believe I wasn't even limping when yesterday I could hardly walk. So nice when pain is gone. Also, my horrendous TOM is almost over. I am so cheerful today. Sometimes I forget what a difference it can make. I feel like a different person.

Day 38 and still going strong!

Saturday:

I can't believe I'm up to day 38 of healthy living. More than five weeks. I haven't been perfect, but after each slip I get back on track straight away. There have certainly been a few moments when it would have been so much easier to just give up on the whole thing and dive into food, but I've resisted successfully.

I'm feeling very content today because my family decided not to go away. I tried hard not to mope but my husband could see how unhappy I was. I was really struggling with it. It was to see his extended family who live quite a long way away, for a birthday lunch. Usually we would all go, and in only one more week Thor will be old enough and fully vaccinated so could go in a boarding kennel if we want to go somewhere we couldn't take him (today's event was in a restaurant, so even if we were prepared to have him in the car for four hours each way we couldn't), but because it was this weekend I would have had to stay home with him.

We haven't been able to visit my mum either (both our families live in the same city, where we both grew up) but in a few weeks we'll arrange a boarding kennel and go and visit them all for the weekend.

Another reason I am feeling good is that Thor slept right through until after 7:00am, so I got to sleep and wear my CPAP all night. It makes such a difference to your mood when you get a decent night's sleep.

The kids had their swimming lesson this morning then I took Jasmine shopping for clothes this afternoon, quite successfully which isn't always the case.

Then Tim and the kids started up one of our Xbox dance games.

A conversation with myself about exercising:

Me: I wanted to go for a walk today but it is raining and freezing so I can't. But the intention counts right? So I don't need to do anything else.
Myself: Ah, no, it doesn't work that way.
Me: But I will have to change all my clothes into workout gear because I get so hot when I dance.
Myself: Yeah, so? It won't take that long.
Me: And then I will have to change again afterwards back into winter gear.
Myself: I can have a lovely shower first, and then I won't have to worry about a shower before bed when I'm tired.
Me: My sports bras are all uncomfortably tight around the back these days, and I can't put a bra on by myself with my shoulder stiffness, but I have to wear one to jump around.
Myself: Lucky Tim is home to help then. And you won't be wearing it long. And it won't be as tight as it was five weeks ago.
Me: I will be cold at first in my workout gear.
Myself: You'll warm up quickly.
Me: Then I will be too hot.
Myself: Really, me? You're going to complain about too cold AND too hot?
Me: Sorry.
Myself: Nothing wrong with a bit of sweat. Shows you're working. And it comes off in the shower.
Me: It is hardly worth exercising today, I probably won't exercise again for a week so it's not like I'm building up fitness.
Myself: The solution to that would be to exercise regularly. And even if you don't, dancing will be fun and good for you.
Me: I still don't really feel like it, but I guess I'm changed now.
Myself: Good. Off you go.

I ended up dancing for about 45 minutes at fairly moderate intensity, worked up just enough sweat to need a shower, and enjoyed the exercise.

What makes me happy

Thursday:

I decided two days of detoxing was enough. And ate quite a few of my Christmas treats -- little fun-size packs of things Santa put in my stocking. Yummy.

I dropped nearly a kg (2 pounds) in the two days I ate so carefully. Strangely, this kind of depressed me. Partly because I know it was really just water weight or whatever they call it which will probably go straight back on as soon as I start eating normally again, but mainly because I feel like that lifestyle is so unsustainable. Is that how thin people have to eat all the time? Do you get used to it?

As far as I can remember, I have lost weight only a couple of times in my life (the rest has been a slow and steady increase). Just before my wedding, nearly ten years ago, my mum paid for me to go on SureSlim; a low calorie, no junk food, very low-carb diet with weekly one-on-one chats with a counsellor. I stuck to it reasonably closely for quite a few weeks, lost 5 kg (11 pounds), and was tired and cranky and miserable the entire time. Tim vowed never to let me go on that kind of diet again.

Then just before I turned 40 I lost about 2.5 kg in two weeks. I got up at 5.45 am every morning in the freezing dark in the middle of winter to go to the gym, doing intensive exercise like BodyStep, and restricted my calories. Then I hurt my shoulder.

These last couple of days I have lost weight by cutting out just about every food I like. Do I want to live like that?

What I really want out of life is to be happy. So what makes me happy? I think that being thinner would make me happier: healthier, more attractive, fit into nice clothes, more energy etc. But chocolate also makes me happy. And twisties. And KFC. I feel good when I eat fatty/salty food. "Occasional treat" is not at all the same as "whenever I want" (not that I eat junk food whenever I want anyway! But clearly I eat enough to keep me at this weight). So I have to give up a lot of happy to gain another kind of happy. Sometimes it feels worth it. Other times, not so much.