Character arc

Thursday:

I had a letter to mail today and it wasn't actually raining (though still rather damp and dreary) so I walked to the post office to mail it. There is a post box much closer than that, but walking for 30 minutes allowed me to buy myself a treat (twisties - cheese flavoured snack food). I haven't finished that motivation book yet, for some reason I'm having trouble getting motivated enough to read it (I've been reading old favourites instead, like Jane Austen and P.G. Wodehouse, which I always do when I am sick, sad, tired or stressed), but I have got up to one piece of advice which is to tie exercise to something you enjoy. A friend of mine only allows herself to watch a certain favourite show when she is on the treadmill, so that gets her to the gym. I'm not sure treating yourself with junk food is what they meant, but it got me out of the house!

That is three times in the past four days that I have walked, which is a good streak for me.

Other than that, I worked on my novel a bit, which I have also done several times this week. As you will remember, I was given a critique on my early draft by my writing group back in February. It took a little while to recover from hearing that it wasn't perfect, and then my dad got sick and died, and basically I wasn't ready to work on editing it for a while. But I am now. The group gave me lots of nice feedback, but a major criticism was that my main character didn't have any real wants or needs (this is a big flaw!). Things happen to her, like being enslaved and attacked by dragons and so on, but the group asked me "what does she want?" "To go home," I replied. "No she doesn't," they said. "She hardly ever even thinks about home, and she doesn't have anything compelling to make her want to go back. Sure, she doesn't want to get eaten by dragons, no-one does, but that does not give her a great character arc." etc.

For a movie example of how important this is, Bruce Willis in Die Hard doesn't just want to stay alive and maybe rescue a few random people, he desperately want to save his estranged wife whom he still loves. Even a motivation like "saving the entire world" isn't enough, it has to be personal to the protagonist. What matters most to them, what would they go through anything for? Frodo is going to Mount Doom to save the world, but Sam is going to protect Frodo.

This is something that requires a lot of thought and reworking. Part of my heroine's character arc is that she goes from being quite passive to taking control of her life, and that is fine. But she still needs a strong motivation - which may change during the course of her story as she finds out that what she wants maybe isn't what she really needs. Getting buffeted from dramatic event to dramatic event gives her a story-line, but doesn't make her a compelling character who you want to succeed.

So my current work on my novel is more thinking than writing. I get to the end of a session only having written a few notes, but hopefully with more things worked out. Actually most of my ideas arrive when I'm walking, driving, showering, or about to go to sleep. Not so much when I'm sitting with pen and paper!

The tiler came back today and stood on the roof with the garden hose, with me inside waiting for water to come through. Hopefully we have found the problem now, he is coming back tomorrow or early next week to fix it. It supposed to rain tomorrow which would mean it's too dangerous to be up on the roof.

Report card:
Diet: Poor.
Exercise: Good.
Water: Ok.
Sleep: Terrible.
Mental health: Ok.

I was extremely restless last night, and while asleep had vivid annoying dreams. An intruder who sat around in the house and wouldn't leave even when I prodded him with a little knife. Getting to the start of a 5k race and paying my fee then they wouldn't let me run because I was two minutes late. Stuff like that. Frustrating.

I learned something while watching the Tour de France bike race, I heard the word "bobo" and saw the translation of "small injury" come up on the screen. It's not a term I use but I've heard it a lot and assumed it was a childish thing. But no, it's French!

Motivation, or lack thereof

Thursday:

I had an hour and a half at the gym while the kids did their school holiday program Club Gecko session. I really found it hard today, I just didn't want to be there. I did half an hour of weights then moved on to the elliptical, hoping to find a bit of motivation. Nope. I decided that I didn't have to go for a new Natalie record today, but I did have to stay on there for 30 mins. I struggled along for 3.8 km, which is nothing like my best but still further than my first few tries so I guess it wasn't that slow. Then I was done.

Do I feel guilty that I didn't make use of the full hour and a half I had available, and didn't push myself hard? Do I feel proud that I got in a decent workout for an hour even though I really didn't want to? I'm not sure what the appropriate response is here.

After Gecko and an afternoon tea break, Aiden had his gymnastics -- so another hour and a half of exercise for him. He says he isn't tired, poor little mite. The resilience of the young. When we picked him up we saw his last move; he jumped on one of those little trampolines then into a handstand and curled over onto his back on the mat. Incredible for a five year old! Well, I think so. His trainers are very impressed with him, he is in the accelerated stream. But even if he is good enough, I am not going to push him into competition. Competitive sport is so hard on a little body. Or a bigger one, for that matter. But as long as he enjoys it he can have his lessons, next term increased to two days a week.

A new boy started in Aiden's gymnastics class today but went home before the end because he found it too hard. It was a good opportunity to remind both my kids that different people are good at different things, and that is ok.

This has strayed a bit from weight-loss blogging, but it was on my mind.

Perfect steak for dinner, cob of corn, big salad.

Hopefully I'll have a bit more oomph tomorrow.

More of the usual

Friday:

My dad was here visiting Tuesday and Wednesday. He used to be so active and sporty, but he is over 70 now with some heart problems and high blood pressure and he needs a lot more rest than he used to. We went to the zoo and whenever the kids and I watched an animal for more than a minute he sat on the nearest bench. And he sounded out of breath quite often. It was a bit sad and scary. He eats plenty of vegetables and isn't overweight but still has meat three times a day and at least a bottle of wine. He is on a million types of medication but washes the pills down with wine, which is worrying, but he isn't about to stop.

Anyway, I don't leave him to babysit so I didn't get to the gym those two days, but I went yesterday and today with the kids in creche. Today was BodyPump, and when we got to the tricep track I learned that it was to be the same one as Monday -- the one I can't do any of. I didn't feel inclined to run from the room crying again, and didn't want to sit there waving my arms feebly for the whole track as I tried to approximate what we were supposed to do, so I took a radical approach. While everyone else did tricep dips and then stood lowering hand weights behind their heads, I lay on my step with my bar and did the moves I can do! There are essentially two moves; lowering the bar to your forehead, and lowering the bar to your waist. I did that over and over in time to the music, following the instructors shouts to "two and two", "three and one" etc. And it was fine. I used my lighter weights as I am used to only doing about half a track then struggling with the bits I can't do; today I did the whole track -- my way.

So what if I wasn't doing the same thing as everyone else in the crowded room? Why would they care, and why would I care if they did?

I had a bit of a wardrobe disaster in the afternoon, but not that kind! My jeans had worn through on the inner thigh seams (from my legs rubbing together) and I desperately needed new ones. Clothes shopping with kids is never fun, and it's still school holidays, so I decided the easiest thing would be to buy a pair exactly the same as my old ones. I tried them on in the shop and they seemed a bit unflatteringly snug, but the salesgirl assured me they stretch half a size with wear. She pinned up the legs (I am only 152 cm -- 5 foot -- so all my trousers get shortened) and sent them off to be tailored. And I came home and checked the old pair of jeans waiting to be thrown out. They are a size larger than the ones I bought today. Bugger.

The new ones may well stretch a bit with wear, but they will also shrink again every time I wash them. They are paid for and are, as we speak, being altered for my height; so I can't change them for a larger pair. I probably won't be able to sit comfortably in them, and they gave me a muffin top. I did hesitate over them at the time, but I was so sure they were the same as the ones I had at home...

I'm guessing I can't wear them until I lose a bit of weight. Yet another motivation. Pity it's not working. Still stuffing my face. Doesn't matter if there is no unhealthy food available; I'll have bread, cereal, cheese, whatever is there that is laden with calories. But I've also been having unhealthy food, especially spending school holidays with the kids. We saw a movie today. 'Nuff said.

After this weekend the school holidays will be over and time to get back into a regular routine. Work. Gym. Parties five weekends in a row.

My little boy turns five next month. How can he be nearly five?

Motivation

I have wanted a Pandora charm bracelet for some years. Not necessarily that brand -- in fact I rather like the charms for the Amore & Baci version -- but something similar. Tim was going to get me one last birthday and we went and looked at some but I was put off by the price. I can't even remember how much the Pandora one was, I don't think they even had prices on the displays, but the A&B one was something like $400 for the chain and three or four charms. It didn't seem worth the money for not even a full bracelet. It was totally my choice not to get it. But I still see pictures of them and covet.

Today I was reading a Weight Watchers magazine that suggested non-food rewards for weight loss -- like a charm bracelet. Hmm. And later in a different article it suggested wearing a bracelet as a reminder, so you would see it when you reached out for food. I got a bit excited about the whole concept of earning each ridiculously expensive charm. And the Gods know I need some extra motivation. So I discussed it with Tim and I am going to do it.

A bit arbitrarily, I am taking 80 kg as my starting point and getting a charm every 5 kg. I considered my highest ever weight of 83 -- meaning I would only have 1 to go -- and Tim suggested starting with today's weight but I didn't like that idea at all! He did also suggest getting 2 charms each time, so it's not about the money. But 80 is a good round number and it is about what I was when I started the CSIRO diet a few weeks ago. I have 4 more to lose before I get the chain and my first charm. Then every time I look at it I can see how well I am doing.

I will only end up with 4 or 5 charms depending on my final weight loss, but then I can start getting additional ones for special occasions like birthdays, and maybe an extra one every year (or 6 months?) I maintain my goal weight.

It is already working. I was planning to snack on some chocolate this evening but thought about my bracelet and didn't. And then I thought about reheating some soup but thought about my bracelet and didn't. I feel all motivated again. I have mum still here to babysit tomorrow morning while I go to the gym. I can see the silvery sheen draped on my toned and strong wrist now.

photo by cristina photographs

Carrots and whips

Wednesday:

I chanelled my crankiness into BodyPump today, powering through. I didn't wear my heart-rate monitor because it was annoying me, so I don't have any stats.

Then I took Aiden to get his haircut and did the grocery shopping. Home about 1.30 pm, all tired out and ready to sit in front of the computer for a while.

Yesterday at the gym I was watching perky thin girl; today at the shops I noticed all the obese people. People for whom it looked like a struggle just to walk. Dull unhealthy skin and shapeless clothes. Which is a more effective motivation: the carrot or the whip?