Fluff

Wednesday:

I did a lot of running around today. Well, not actually running. Driving from place to place. Tim's phone's charger hole regularly gets clogged up with fluff from his pockets so it won't charge any more, so I took it into the Apple Store so a 'genius' could dismantle it and get the fluff out. The genius asked if my husband was in the construction industry (to explain gunk in pockets) - no he's a lawyer! I have no idea why this keeps happening, I keep my phone in my pocket and have never had this problem. Anyway, it's good now for another six months at least.

I bought myself a new pair of jeans in a smaller size, my current ones are baggy. The new ones look nice from the waist down, but are a bit too snug which creates a bulgy muffin-top above. I'm counting on losing more weight, and I have to put the jeans in to be shortened so I won't be able to wear them for a week or so anyway. Maybe it was a silly purchase, we're heading into warmer weather when I wear (long) shorts instead, but summer isn't quite here yet. And my baggy pants don't show off my weight loss.

Then I drove to another shop to get a couple of sun lounges to put by the pool - to be told they wouldn't fit in the car. So I didn't buy them. Finally a visit to Aiden's school to buy him a new sport's uniform. They change to summer uniform after the holidays.

Not much study today. I have an assessment tomorrow in class and one on Friday at home, so I need to do a bit more work tonight.

New jeans

Friday:

Every year around this time I have to buy new jeans. I wear them pretty much every day all through the cold season, only switching to something else long enough to wash them. Jeans are so comfy when you work from home! Eventually the seams start to fray and I have to go through the torture of buying a new pair. Today I found some "crop" style jeans that would be mid-calf on most people but are normal jean length on me! I am vertically challenged. I think it's the first time in my life I haven't had to have my jeans altered because of my height. I did want to wait until I'd lost some more weight but my old jeans were about to fall apart. I could squeeze into the next size down but only with a very unappealing muffin top. These ones look much better, and I can sit down in them!

My old jeans were getting so saggy and baggy, and they never really looked that good to start with as I couldn't find any that suited my apple-shaped figure last year. Or the year before. It's really nice to feel like I look better than when I walked into the shop.

Clothes

Friday:

My baby came home from overnight school camp this afternoon. I was so glad to have him home safe. Yes I know I'm an overprotective mother! His first half hour home was him sitting on my lap telling me all about it. He's getting a bit heavy, turning nine in two weeks, but still cuddly. He was wearing different clothes than I sent him away in yesterday, but the same socks (rather filthy now) and he smelled a bit sweaty. He says they didn't shower at camp. Well, he didn't, anyway! And he didn't get a lot of sleep in a cabin of 12 little boys. He had a great time.

I bought new jeans today - currently being altered for my oompa-loompa short legs. Usually I think jeans last me at least a year, but I only bought these ones in June. Four months! The inner thigh seams are wearing out, as usual. I always wait until the last moment, just in case I lose weight and can buy a smaller size. Alas, no.

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and I'm a bit stressed about what to wear. It should be warm enough for my nice summer dress for the afternoon ceremony on the beach, but it might get cool later at the reception and my fancy evening dress has lace sleeves that I think are too tight for me now. There were uncomfortable enough last time that I regretted wearing it, and I haven't lost any weight since then - quite the opposite. I think I'd rather put up with being a bit cold than having my arms squeezed all night. It should be warm inside anyway. The wedding is for my husband's cousin, I know his mother's side of the family very well but this is from his father's side and they live further away so I've only met them a few times. But there will be some people I know, and hopefully it will be a good event.

It was Tim's last day at his current work location today. On Monday we start packing in earnest. It's a tricky balance, because we are still using the clothes and the kitchen appliances etc! I've already packed up most of the stuff we don't use regularly, months ago. But at some point we have to pack everything, and just live with very minimal stuff for a few days.

Having something to wear, even when you are overweight

Friday:

I hate shopping for clothes, because nothing looks good on me. I don't bother much, until I absolutely have to, like when my jeans wear through at the thighs. I'll wait until I am thin, right?

I was thinking last night about an upcoming "dressy" party and how I have nothing to wear for it. I know I don't still fit into my fancier clothes. I felt quite sad about it. Then I went hunting through my cupboard and found two really dressy tops that I bought a couple of years ago, that still fit me but I had forgotten about over winter. With jeans and boots I'll be ok. Not as formal as I would like to be, but good enough.

I went to bed happy, knowing I had something to wear to the party. And realised that no matter what my current size, I need to have clothes that I am reasonably happy to wear in a variety of situations. Not just a T-shirt. Something that fits the occasion, not just my stomach. I can't put off buying clothes forever, waiting to be perfect. I have to live now, as I am, and make the best I can of how I am at the moment. Shopping can be hard, and depressing, and I am still not going to do it very often, but I need to make sure I have what I need. Like maybe something other than blue jeans to go with my pretty tops and boots.

I was feeling a bit unwell yesterday and today I feel awful. I seem to lurch from one illness to the next at the moment. I can't use my CPAP most nights because of a blocked nose and sore throat and sometimes nausea, all of which having air blown up your nose makes worse. And being tired and run down doesn't help me get better quickly. But I'll manage it in the end. I always do.

Carb loading and fat jeans

Monday:

I've resisted buying new clothes for weeks months years because I wanted to wait until I lost some weight, but the blue jeans I wear nearly every day in cooler weather started fraying on the inner thigh seams and there are now actual holes. I don't have that much else to wear so the situation had become critical. Today I forced myself to go jeans shopping. I tried on quite a few pairs but ended up getting the same ones as last time which are actually men's jeans. But in a bigger size. Sad face. The same size were just too squeezy and gave me a horrible muffin top. I know they stretch, but then they also shrink again when you wash them. The old ones had had a year or more to get to their current comfortable shape.

I forced myself to get them because I need something to wear at the size I am now, even if I'm not happy at this size. They have to be taken up, of course, because of my short legs, so I won't get them for a couple of days. I'm hoping my old ones hold together for that much longer.

I also got some track pants to walk in during winter.

I'm feeling ok about myself, actually. Really determined to get healthy and lose this weight. I still can't use my CPAP due to frequent coughing fits (tried again last night but had to give up) so I'm tired, but I'm over the flu and feeling so much better, even with the coughing!

I started carb loading this morning ready for my glucose tolerance test on Thursday. I always grumble about carb loading. Yes I like toast and potato and rice and biscuits and fruit and pasta. Just not in these quantities! It makes me feel kind of sick. They do know I have insulin resistance, right? So strange, to be deliberately eating the stuff that makes my body sick, so I can so just how sick I get! Like when Dr House makes someone run on a treadmill to see if they have a heart attack. But it's all for a purpose.

Do I really want to see my behind on TV?

Tuesday:

This morning I went to the local shopping centre for my appointment with my doctor. As I was getting out of the car I noticed a guy with what looked like a small TV camera on his shoulder, but all black with no branding or channel. Over in the next aisle of cars was a sound man and some other people, calling back and forth about 'wait one minute', 'ok, ready,' etc. My first guess was it was an advertisement, then an amateur movie or stunt for YouTube.

Then they filmed a young couple running from their car to the shops and the woman had a row of shopping bags over her arm, all branded MKR! My Kitchen Rules is a cooking show where each pair of contestants (a couple, or a brother/sister team, or best friends, or any other combination really) hosts a dinner party for all the other contestants. One pair from each Australian state, plus a couple of celebrity chef judges. It means cooking a fancy three course meal for a dozen or more people, a real strain on a home kitchen.

Obviously they were shooting for the upcoming season. The contestants only get one day to prepare (apparently they have to submit a few menu options and they only get told which one they are doing that morning) so they have to shop, decorate the dining area, prep and cook everything all in one day; and they are only allowed to start preparing the food three hours before people arrive. In previous seasons I've seen overconfident underprepared teams eventually serving dessert around midnight. It was about 9.20am when I saw them arrive, both outside and then inside the centre going into the sponsoring supermarket Coles.

I didn't want to spoil the shoot so I just went about my business as a casual bystander. If I do appear in the background, it is most likely of me walking away from them. So, wonderful, if any of me gets on TV it will be my butt. It was very exciting though. I love that show. Go team ACT!

I had my appointment with my doctor to discuss my pelvic exam. She is referring me to a gyno, just in case, but actually thinks my problems are most likely due to my low-dose pill not being strong enough. (I brought this up last visit but she wanted me to have the ultrasound first.) So I'm changing to a higher-dose pill and we'll see how that goes for a few months then see the gyno. She was not at all worried about the little nodule in my uterus, as I'm not having any pain from it.

I spent the rest of the morning shopping - picking up dry cleaning, socks and pjs for the kids. There were I few things I needed for myself but that didn't go well. My jeans split a month or more ago and I've been wearing my older "fat" pair that are men's jeans, a bit saggy at the crotch, and a size too big. I was determined to get some new ones today. But I went to my two favourite shops and tried everything on and nothing was even as good as the ones I had on! Either my stomach sagged or if it was reined in I had a huge muffin top, or if they fit at the waist then the crotch drooped. If they fit my thighs nicely, I couldn't zip them up.

I used to have an hourglass shape, a bit overweight but with womanly curves. Now I am just apple-shaped. It was very discouraging to not be able to find a pair of jeans that fit nicely.

I also tried on a sports bra, as mine all dig in painfully around the rib-band. The one I tried on was even worse, it was like a vice and left a welt after only being on 30 seconds. The assistant suggested an extender.

I'm starting to need an extender to get clothes to fit?

I've had some kind of stomach flu for a week so I haven't been exercising, but I have been eating. It's really cold so I've been craving salt and fat.

There have been other stresses, too. My husband has been unhappy at work for a while - and on medication for high blood pressure due to stress - and looking around for another job. Things have suddenly got worse so he really wants to get out and is willing to take a bit of a pay cut if it means a better work environment. But we might need to move house in a hurry, even to another state. I actually want to move, but it is a stressful situation all the same.

I need some other way to deal with stress, sadness, boredom, anger, happiness, tiredness etc than eating.

Jeans

Friday:

You may remember that back in October my jeans fell apart and I accidentally bought a replacement size too small, having blocked out the memory of going up a size the year before. I put the small ones in the drawer and sewed up the seam of the old ones. It is summer so I've mostly been wearing shorts, so I've sort of gotten away with it while hoping to lose weight. My black jeans also fell apart. Finally two days ago my blue jeans ripped again, beyond repair.

Despite being in the middle of summer, in Australia, we've had a really cold snap and I was back in warm clothes (even a cardigan one day -- don't tell me climate change doesn't exist!). I cobbled together my black jeans enough to get me to the shops.

Why not just wear something else, you ask?

I have plenty of T-shirts and pretty tops, but for the bottom half my entire wardrobe (in my current size) consists of:
* three pairs of gym shorts, not for public viewing
* blue jean shorts for hot weather
* grey work trousers that I wear to meet clients
* one dress that I wear with leggings

That's it. That is my entire wardrobe. I've only been buying things when I absolutely have to, because I'm going to lose some weight soon, right? Silly to spend money on clothes that I'll only be wearing for such a short time, right? Well, the months and years pass with me still this size.

I can't wear skirts or dresses because my thighs rub so painfully together. I like my work trousers but I can't wear comfortable sneakers with them.

So this morning I went and bought new blue and black jeans, in my current size. But I wasn't very happy about it.

More of the usual

Friday:

My dad was here visiting Tuesday and Wednesday. He used to be so active and sporty, but he is over 70 now with some heart problems and high blood pressure and he needs a lot more rest than he used to. We went to the zoo and whenever the kids and I watched an animal for more than a minute he sat on the nearest bench. And he sounded out of breath quite often. It was a bit sad and scary. He eats plenty of vegetables and isn't overweight but still has meat three times a day and at least a bottle of wine. He is on a million types of medication but washes the pills down with wine, which is worrying, but he isn't about to stop.

Anyway, I don't leave him to babysit so I didn't get to the gym those two days, but I went yesterday and today with the kids in creche. Today was BodyPump, and when we got to the tricep track I learned that it was to be the same one as Monday -- the one I can't do any of. I didn't feel inclined to run from the room crying again, and didn't want to sit there waving my arms feebly for the whole track as I tried to approximate what we were supposed to do, so I took a radical approach. While everyone else did tricep dips and then stood lowering hand weights behind their heads, I lay on my step with my bar and did the moves I can do! There are essentially two moves; lowering the bar to your forehead, and lowering the bar to your waist. I did that over and over in time to the music, following the instructors shouts to "two and two", "three and one" etc. And it was fine. I used my lighter weights as I am used to only doing about half a track then struggling with the bits I can't do; today I did the whole track -- my way.

So what if I wasn't doing the same thing as everyone else in the crowded room? Why would they care, and why would I care if they did?

I had a bit of a wardrobe disaster in the afternoon, but not that kind! My jeans had worn through on the inner thigh seams (from my legs rubbing together) and I desperately needed new ones. Clothes shopping with kids is never fun, and it's still school holidays, so I decided the easiest thing would be to buy a pair exactly the same as my old ones. I tried them on in the shop and they seemed a bit unflatteringly snug, but the salesgirl assured me they stretch half a size with wear. She pinned up the legs (I am only 152 cm -- 5 foot -- so all my trousers get shortened) and sent them off to be tailored. And I came home and checked the old pair of jeans waiting to be thrown out. They are a size larger than the ones I bought today. Bugger.

The new ones may well stretch a bit with wear, but they will also shrink again every time I wash them. They are paid for and are, as we speak, being altered for my height; so I can't change them for a larger pair. I probably won't be able to sit comfortably in them, and they gave me a muffin top. I did hesitate over them at the time, but I was so sure they were the same as the ones I had at home...

I'm guessing I can't wear them until I lose a bit of weight. Yet another motivation. Pity it's not working. Still stuffing my face. Doesn't matter if there is no unhealthy food available; I'll have bread, cereal, cheese, whatever is there that is laden with calories. But I've also been having unhealthy food, especially spending school holidays with the kids. We saw a movie today. 'Nuff said.

After this weekend the school holidays will be over and time to get back into a regular routine. Work. Gym. Parties five weekends in a row.

My little boy turns five next month. How can he be nearly five?

W17 D6 - big jeans

My old jeans had dissolved where the thighs rub together, so today I went to buy new ones. Last couple of times (to my horror) I had needed a size 16. This time I didn't even fit into a size 16. (Well, I could squeeze in uncomfortably with a bulging muffin-top.) And Just Jeans didn't stock a size 18. I didn't fit into normal size clothes. Oh My God.

I went to Jeans West, where I had bought my last pair - a men's size 36. I had to get a 38. But at least they had some that fit me.

I feel huge and miserable.

I'm feeling, health-wise, a bit better today; but not yet well enough to exercise. I want to curl up into a sad ball with a family size block of chocolate to comfort me. Like that would help.