Tuesday:
Another horrible sleep, but at least we have had a cool change so it might be better tonight. Today, though, I was very tired and unmotivated. I didn't want to exercise (and find it hard to believe that just a couple of days ago I was thinking about joining the gym to push myself) but I did half an hour of Fantasia and called it enough. I did the grocery shopping, which was exhausting in my current state and left my legs and back aching. I foolishly ate in the food court, and made about the worst choice possible. Fat with a side serving of salt, essentially. Then slumped at home while I pretended to be working on my writing.
My friend Caroline and her kids came over after school and we had a cup of tea and a chat, then Tim called and asked me to pick him up as his bike had a flat tyre. He had a few hours to come home for dinner before he had to return to work at 8 pm to meet with the committee again (damn politicians). So Caroline took all the kids to her place and I picked up my husband. We got home to find the plumber's truck in the driveway, he was here to replace that hot water thing. He hadn't called first, lucky he just got there.
Then Tim realised he had left behind his backpack during the struggle to fit his bike in the car. It had a lot of important stuff in it so he had to head back straight away to get it - about 15 mins drive each way which isn't too bad but not a fun way to spent your tiny bit of free time. He took my keys. And then I realised he had all my keys so I couldn't leave the house to walk to get the kids, and also it was starting to storm. Caroline had to drive my kids home again.
Meanwhile Tim was finding out what happens when you leave a backpack outside Parliament House. They call the bomb squad. Oops. At least we know those security guys are doing their job. Tim got home eventually.
After my terrible lunch decision AND eating some unnecessary rice crackers in the afternoon, I was left with no calories left for dinner - I was already over. So I made pasta with cream sauce and bacon. I make no attempt to justify that. I made some very bad decisions today.
Just let me get some sleep.
Report card:
Diet: Terrible.
Exercise: Ok.
Water: Poor.
Sleep: Terrible.
Mental health: Not as bad as you might expect.
It's just one of those days when you're glad that tomorrow is a clean slate.
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Monday, February 23, 2015
Monday, October 6, 2014
Apron
Tuesday:
Yesterday was the hottest we've had so far, really a taste of summer. It was enough that I felt a bit sweaty when just sitting around in the evening. Then later, lying in bed, I noticed a pain across the skin of my lower stomach. It was like a long scratch horizontally, very low on my abdomen. I assumed it was a minor scratch I'd done to myself somehow without noticing, exacerbated by sweating, and didn't worry about it.
This morning it was still sore, so I had a look in the mirror. And it is not a scratch, it's the crease where my stomach folds over and hangs down.
I now have an "apron", as I have heard it called.
I've been cruising along lately, not worrying about weight loss much because I felt mentally healthy and ok about myself. Not physically healthy, with the hay fever and various illnesses, but pretty happy. It's nice to feel that way, a break from hating my body and myself for being so weak and lazy. But every so often something happens that gives me a kick, like seeing a photo. Or something more serious, that reminds me that weight loss isn't just about vanity, it is about health. Like pre-diabetes. Sleep apnoea. High blood pressure. A stomach that has gone from an hourglass to an apple to an apron. A stomach that actually causes me discomfort because of the way the skin folds and rubs together in hot weather.
Wow.
I kid myself that "I'm not really that fat." But I am. I am that fat.
I'm not expecting a sudden permanent turn-around in my lifestyle from this. But I'm working on taking steps. I did some exercises with the kids this afternoon, planks and squats and leg lifts. I bought healthy food today while shopping, no treats even though it is still school holidays. The kids don't need a house full of junk any more than I do. Trying to make each small decision a good one.
Yesterday was the hottest we've had so far, really a taste of summer. It was enough that I felt a bit sweaty when just sitting around in the evening. Then later, lying in bed, I noticed a pain across the skin of my lower stomach. It was like a long scratch horizontally, very low on my abdomen. I assumed it was a minor scratch I'd done to myself somehow without noticing, exacerbated by sweating, and didn't worry about it.
This morning it was still sore, so I had a look in the mirror. And it is not a scratch, it's the crease where my stomach folds over and hangs down.
I now have an "apron", as I have heard it called.
I've been cruising along lately, not worrying about weight loss much because I felt mentally healthy and ok about myself. Not physically healthy, with the hay fever and various illnesses, but pretty happy. It's nice to feel that way, a break from hating my body and myself for being so weak and lazy. But every so often something happens that gives me a kick, like seeing a photo. Or something more serious, that reminds me that weight loss isn't just about vanity, it is about health. Like pre-diabetes. Sleep apnoea. High blood pressure. A stomach that has gone from an hourglass to an apple to an apron. A stomach that actually causes me discomfort because of the way the skin folds and rubs together in hot weather.
Wow.
I kid myself that "I'm not really that fat." But I am. I am that fat.
I'm not expecting a sudden permanent turn-around in my lifestyle from this. But I'm working on taking steps. I did some exercises with the kids this afternoon, planks and squats and leg lifts. I bought healthy food today while shopping, no treats even though it is still school holidays. The kids don't need a house full of junk any more than I do. Trying to make each small decision a good one.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Fat vs sugar
Tuesday:
Last night I watched a show about fat vs sugar. It started off a bit unscientific, they got ONE set of identical twins (the hosts of the show, both doctors, one person in each group is not really a valid sample size for a study!) and put one on a high fat/low sugar diet and the other on a high sugar/low fat diet. They could eat as much as they wanted of their assigned foods. They both lost weight, fat and muscle loss, in the four weeks. The high fat twin was deemed to be doing more damage to his body, I think. Surprisingly, his insulin resistance was much worse than his high-sugar brother's. But overall they said either extreme was bad and you shouldn't cut out any food group or overeat in another like that.
They then looked at scientific studies. The bit that interested me was that people don't generally eat just fat or just sugar. Lump of butter, anyone? A couple of tablespoons of sugar by itself? (But what about soft drink/soda?) And in studies with rats, they generally wouldn't overeat or get fat when given free access to fat or sugar along with healthy rat food. But mix them together... oh my. Apparently the most palatable combination is around half fat, half sugar. Cheesecake! It seems to switch off our self-regulation ability. The rats stuffed themselves and got obese. And people are the same. One reason all that processed food is so dangerous. The combination of fat and sugar together does not appear in nature, they said! (Although it occurs to me, isn't milk - including human milk - both fatty and quite sweet?) Anyway, it wasn't really an in-depth report and mainly covered one researcher's life work, but it was interesting just the same.
The last two days I've finally got back to writing properly instead of just staring blankly at the screen, I've had a couple of good sessions, the first since we got Thor. So that is exciting. Maybe I'll get this book written eventually after all. It's amazing what a bit of sleep can do for the brain.
The temperature has plummeted here and it is definitely making me want to eat more. Have to make sure I have hot and comforting yet healthy options available. I've got some chicken soup simmering away on the stove for tomorrow's lunch.
I cleaned up my blog roll a bit today, taking off blogs that hadn't been updated in months - or in some cases years. Still following around 30, either weight-loss or writing related. It's always sad when a blogger disappears. Unless they say goodbye you assume relapse that they don't want to confess. Other people I follow have said they are taking a hiatus. I guess I understand that, although I mostly just talk about day to day stuff so I never have to stress about what to talk about, or about being profound. It must be almost exactly four years since I started, just before my 40th birthday. Happy birthday, blog!
Last night I watched a show about fat vs sugar. It started off a bit unscientific, they got ONE set of identical twins (the hosts of the show, both doctors, one person in each group is not really a valid sample size for a study!) and put one on a high fat/low sugar diet and the other on a high sugar/low fat diet. They could eat as much as they wanted of their assigned foods. They both lost weight, fat and muscle loss, in the four weeks. The high fat twin was deemed to be doing more damage to his body, I think. Surprisingly, his insulin resistance was much worse than his high-sugar brother's. But overall they said either extreme was bad and you shouldn't cut out any food group or overeat in another like that.
They then looked at scientific studies. The bit that interested me was that people don't generally eat just fat or just sugar. Lump of butter, anyone? A couple of tablespoons of sugar by itself? (But what about soft drink/soda?) And in studies with rats, they generally wouldn't overeat or get fat when given free access to fat or sugar along with healthy rat food. But mix them together... oh my. Apparently the most palatable combination is around half fat, half sugar. Cheesecake! It seems to switch off our self-regulation ability. The rats stuffed themselves and got obese. And people are the same. One reason all that processed food is so dangerous. The combination of fat and sugar together does not appear in nature, they said! (Although it occurs to me, isn't milk - including human milk - both fatty and quite sweet?) Anyway, it wasn't really an in-depth report and mainly covered one researcher's life work, but it was interesting just the same.
The last two days I've finally got back to writing properly instead of just staring blankly at the screen, I've had a couple of good sessions, the first since we got Thor. So that is exciting. Maybe I'll get this book written eventually after all. It's amazing what a bit of sleep can do for the brain.
The temperature has plummeted here and it is definitely making me want to eat more. Have to make sure I have hot and comforting yet healthy options available. I've got some chicken soup simmering away on the stove for tomorrow's lunch.
I cleaned up my blog roll a bit today, taking off blogs that hadn't been updated in months - or in some cases years. Still following around 30, either weight-loss or writing related. It's always sad when a blogger disappears. Unless they say goodbye you assume relapse that they don't want to confess. Other people I follow have said they are taking a hiatus. I guess I understand that, although I mostly just talk about day to day stuff so I never have to stress about what to talk about, or about being profound. It must be almost exactly four years since I started, just before my 40th birthday. Happy birthday, blog!
Friday, June 13, 2014
Feeling thinner
Friday:
Today it is raining. And cold, of course. Raining and cold. So I did not put the puppy outside with a bone and go for a walk.
Also, Thor has gone back to sleeping all day. Maybe because it is a brumous day? Wait, what? I thought brumous meant cloudy, but I just looked it up and it means foggy or misty, wintery. Well it is certainly wintery, but not foggy. Just gloomy clouds.
Today for lunch I had a small serve of pasta with some chicken breast, sun-dried tomato pesto and a splash of cream. It was delicious. And 500 calories! Maybe I should check before I cook... Each of those four elements is quite high calorie and they sure add up. I kept to my calories for the day though, even if "supper" was picking at the leftover roast.
Apparently the latest cover of Time magazine is about how we should eat butter and how authorities were completely wrong about demonising fat. My friend who did her dietetics degree about five years ago is very anti-saturated-fat and pro-carbs, and they may still be teaching that, but I think that is lagging way behind all the new studies. Nowadays it is trans-fats and sugar that are the evil ones, natural fats are fine. Sugar was once just "empty calories", now it is addictive crack that makes you eat more and more. Trans-fats were originally promoted as a healthy alternative to saturated fats, now we know they are far worse.
It's kind of scary that they will probably change their minds again in another five years. There is a line from a movie or TV show where the high-fat cook shrugs and says authorities will soon be telling us we're not eating enough bacon.
I've been writing my "Advantage Response Cards" i.e. why I want to lose weight. I've come up with many reasons, some not so obvious. Like bras being more comfortable because they aren't digging into back fat.
I'm actually feeling a bit thinner today. It's a nice feeling.
Today it is raining. And cold, of course. Raining and cold. So I did not put the puppy outside with a bone and go for a walk.
Also, Thor has gone back to sleeping all day. Maybe because it is a brumous day? Wait, what? I thought brumous meant cloudy, but I just looked it up and it means foggy or misty, wintery. Well it is certainly wintery, but not foggy. Just gloomy clouds.
Today for lunch I had a small serve of pasta with some chicken breast, sun-dried tomato pesto and a splash of cream. It was delicious. And 500 calories! Maybe I should check before I cook... Each of those four elements is quite high calorie and they sure add up. I kept to my calories for the day though, even if "supper" was picking at the leftover roast.
Apparently the latest cover of Time magazine is about how we should eat butter and how authorities were completely wrong about demonising fat. My friend who did her dietetics degree about five years ago is very anti-saturated-fat and pro-carbs, and they may still be teaching that, but I think that is lagging way behind all the new studies. Nowadays it is trans-fats and sugar that are the evil ones, natural fats are fine. Sugar was once just "empty calories", now it is addictive crack that makes you eat more and more. Trans-fats were originally promoted as a healthy alternative to saturated fats, now we know they are far worse.
It's kind of scary that they will probably change their minds again in another five years. There is a line from a movie or TV show where the high-fat cook shrugs and says authorities will soon be telling us we're not eating enough bacon.
I've been writing my "Advantage Response Cards" i.e. why I want to lose weight. I've come up with many reasons, some not so obvious. Like bras being more comfortable because they aren't digging into back fat.
I'm actually feeling a bit thinner today. It's a nice feeling.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Frying
more Tuesday:
I was looking up on the internet whether you can reuse peanut oil and a couple of the responses that came up were "thank goodness you can otherwise frying a turkey would be too expensive" and a recipe for chicken-fried bacon. Really, people? Who deep-fries a whole turkey? Or dips bacon in batter before deep frying that? You want some more fat with your fat?
Ok, so I had used the peanut oil to fry some chicken wings (for an Asian recipe that I will never make again, too greasy and didn't like the flavours) so I can't really talk. But the mental image of a fried turkey really boggles.
I was looking up on the internet whether you can reuse peanut oil and a couple of the responses that came up were "thank goodness you can otherwise frying a turkey would be too expensive" and a recipe for chicken-fried bacon. Really, people? Who deep-fries a whole turkey? Or dips bacon in batter before deep frying that? You want some more fat with your fat?
Ok, so I had used the peanut oil to fry some chicken wings (for an Asian recipe that I will never make again, too greasy and didn't like the flavours) so I can't really talk. But the mental image of a fried turkey really boggles.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Do I really want to see my behind on TV?
Tuesday:
This morning I went to the local shopping centre for my appointment with my doctor. As I was getting out of the car I noticed a guy with what looked like a small TV camera on his shoulder, but all black with no branding or channel. Over in the next aisle of cars was a sound man and some other people, calling back and forth about 'wait one minute', 'ok, ready,' etc. My first guess was it was an advertisement, then an amateur movie or stunt for YouTube.
Then they filmed a young couple running from their car to the shops and the woman had a row of shopping bags over her arm, all branded MKR! My Kitchen Rules is a cooking show where each pair of contestants (a couple, or a brother/sister team, or best friends, or any other combination really) hosts a dinner party for all the other contestants. One pair from each Australian state, plus a couple of celebrity chef judges. It means cooking a fancy three course meal for a dozen or more people, a real strain on a home kitchen.
Obviously they were shooting for the upcoming season. The contestants only get one day to prepare (apparently they have to submit a few menu options and they only get told which one they are doing that morning) so they have to shop, decorate the dining area, prep and cook everything all in one day; and they are only allowed to start preparing the food three hours before people arrive. In previous seasons I've seen overconfident underprepared teams eventually serving dessert around midnight. It was about 9.20am when I saw them arrive, both outside and then inside the centre going into the sponsoring supermarket Coles.
I didn't want to spoil the shoot so I just went about my business as a casual bystander. If I do appear in the background, it is most likely of me walking away from them. So, wonderful, if any of me gets on TV it will be my butt. It was very exciting though. I love that show. Go team ACT!
I had my appointment with my doctor to discuss my pelvic exam. She is referring me to a gyno, just in case, but actually thinks my problems are most likely due to my low-dose pill not being strong enough. (I brought this up last visit but she wanted me to have the ultrasound first.) So I'm changing to a higher-dose pill and we'll see how that goes for a few months then see the gyno. She was not at all worried about the little nodule in my uterus, as I'm not having any pain from it.
I spent the rest of the morning shopping - picking up dry cleaning, socks and pjs for the kids. There were I few things I needed for myself but that didn't go well. My jeans split a month or more ago and I've been wearing my older "fat" pair that are men's jeans, a bit saggy at the crotch, and a size too big. I was determined to get some new ones today. But I went to my two favourite shops and tried everything on and nothing was even as good as the ones I had on! Either my stomach sagged or if it was reined in I had a huge muffin top, or if they fit at the waist then the crotch drooped. If they fit my thighs nicely, I couldn't zip them up.
I used to have an hourglass shape, a bit overweight but with womanly curves. Now I am just apple-shaped. It was very discouraging to not be able to find a pair of jeans that fit nicely.
I also tried on a sports bra, as mine all dig in painfully around the rib-band. The one I tried on was even worse, it was like a vice and left a welt after only being on 30 seconds. The assistant suggested an extender.
I'm starting to need an extender to get clothes to fit?
I've had some kind of stomach flu for a week so I haven't been exercising, but I have been eating. It's really cold so I've been craving salt and fat.
There have been other stresses, too. My husband has been unhappy at work for a while - and on medication for high blood pressure due to stress - and looking around for another job. Things have suddenly got worse so he really wants to get out and is willing to take a bit of a pay cut if it means a better work environment. But we might need to move house in a hurry, even to another state. I actually want to move, but it is a stressful situation all the same.
I need some other way to deal with stress, sadness, boredom, anger, happiness, tiredness etc than eating.
This morning I went to the local shopping centre for my appointment with my doctor. As I was getting out of the car I noticed a guy with what looked like a small TV camera on his shoulder, but all black with no branding or channel. Over in the next aisle of cars was a sound man and some other people, calling back and forth about 'wait one minute', 'ok, ready,' etc. My first guess was it was an advertisement, then an amateur movie or stunt for YouTube.
Then they filmed a young couple running from their car to the shops and the woman had a row of shopping bags over her arm, all branded MKR! My Kitchen Rules is a cooking show where each pair of contestants (a couple, or a brother/sister team, or best friends, or any other combination really) hosts a dinner party for all the other contestants. One pair from each Australian state, plus a couple of celebrity chef judges. It means cooking a fancy three course meal for a dozen or more people, a real strain on a home kitchen.
Obviously they were shooting for the upcoming season. The contestants only get one day to prepare (apparently they have to submit a few menu options and they only get told which one they are doing that morning) so they have to shop, decorate the dining area, prep and cook everything all in one day; and they are only allowed to start preparing the food three hours before people arrive. In previous seasons I've seen overconfident underprepared teams eventually serving dessert around midnight. It was about 9.20am when I saw them arrive, both outside and then inside the centre going into the sponsoring supermarket Coles.
I didn't want to spoil the shoot so I just went about my business as a casual bystander. If I do appear in the background, it is most likely of me walking away from them. So, wonderful, if any of me gets on TV it will be my butt. It was very exciting though. I love that show. Go team ACT!
I had my appointment with my doctor to discuss my pelvic exam. She is referring me to a gyno, just in case, but actually thinks my problems are most likely due to my low-dose pill not being strong enough. (I brought this up last visit but she wanted me to have the ultrasound first.) So I'm changing to a higher-dose pill and we'll see how that goes for a few months then see the gyno. She was not at all worried about the little nodule in my uterus, as I'm not having any pain from it.
I spent the rest of the morning shopping - picking up dry cleaning, socks and pjs for the kids. There were I few things I needed for myself but that didn't go well. My jeans split a month or more ago and I've been wearing my older "fat" pair that are men's jeans, a bit saggy at the crotch, and a size too big. I was determined to get some new ones today. But I went to my two favourite shops and tried everything on and nothing was even as good as the ones I had on! Either my stomach sagged or if it was reined in I had a huge muffin top, or if they fit at the waist then the crotch drooped. If they fit my thighs nicely, I couldn't zip them up.
I used to have an hourglass shape, a bit overweight but with womanly curves. Now I am just apple-shaped. It was very discouraging to not be able to find a pair of jeans that fit nicely.
I also tried on a sports bra, as mine all dig in painfully around the rib-band. The one I tried on was even worse, it was like a vice and left a welt after only being on 30 seconds. The assistant suggested an extender.
I'm starting to need an extender to get clothes to fit?
I've had some kind of stomach flu for a week so I haven't been exercising, but I have been eating. It's really cold so I've been craving salt and fat.
There have been other stresses, too. My husband has been unhappy at work for a while - and on medication for high blood pressure due to stress - and looking around for another job. Things have suddenly got worse so he really wants to get out and is willing to take a bit of a pay cut if it means a better work environment. But we might need to move house in a hurry, even to another state. I actually want to move, but it is a stressful situation all the same.
I need some other way to deal with stress, sadness, boredom, anger, happiness, tiredness etc than eating.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Heavier
Wednesday:
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Britain's fattest man
Tuesday:
Well I had four days of feeling too sick to exercise (but not too sick to eat), where even walking the kids to school yesterday took all my energy, but I am feeling mostly better today. Not well enough to run, but well enough to return to normal household duties. So I need to build back to exercise from here. So hard to get back into a routine. I feel guilty for even writing that: oh, my life is soooo difficult. All difficulties come from within myself, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
I watched a show about Britain's fattest man last night -- possibly the world's fattest. He weighed nearly 57 stone which is around 800 pounds or approaching 400 kg. I think he hadn't been out of bed for eight years and had a carer for 12 hours a day -- four hours of which was just washing him. He needed bariatric surgery but they had a lot of trouble finding an ambulance big enough to get him to the hospital and they had to reinforce all the floors. The doctors had difficulty getting close enough to the middle of his stomach to do the surgery because of all of the folds of fat hanging off the sides of the table. They also had to cut off a huge roll of fat on his inner thigh because it was forcing his legs far apart and stopping him from walking even when he did lose some weight.
In the hospital before the operation they put him on a 500 calorie per day diet for a while. Don't you sometimes have crazy thoughts about doing a diet like that? Just for a while?
The thing about these really enormous bed-ridden people is that someone must be enabling them to get all that food. This guy was eating up to 20,000 calories a day. 20,000! He couldn't get out of bed to cook it or even open the door to home deliveries. I suppose his carer was just paid to do what he wanted, not make his decisions for him.
If it was a family member you loved would you keep giving them 20,000 calories a day, knowing how bad it was for them, letting them make their own choices ... putting another mortgage on your house so you could afford the food and the supersize bed and the carer ... or would you put them on an enforced diet that they couldn't do anything about? Tell them they could have bacon if they walked to the shops and bought it themself?
Obviously I found the show quite disturbing. Maybe because I know what a slippery slope weight gain is. Generally I think "I'm not that bad, sure a bit overweight but not huge" but then I see myself at an unflattering angle or, God forbid, naked; and I realise that I am seriously obese. I know I need to lose weight but I still eat junk food ... just this bit then I will get back on track tomorrow. Or next week. I need this food to make me feel better when I am sick, or sad, or lonely.
I'm not judging this guy. I'm terrified it would be so easy to be him.
Well I had four days of feeling too sick to exercise (but not too sick to eat), where even walking the kids to school yesterday took all my energy, but I am feeling mostly better today. Not well enough to run, but well enough to return to normal household duties. So I need to build back to exercise from here. So hard to get back into a routine. I feel guilty for even writing that: oh, my life is soooo difficult. All difficulties come from within myself, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
I watched a show about Britain's fattest man last night -- possibly the world's fattest. He weighed nearly 57 stone which is around 800 pounds or approaching 400 kg. I think he hadn't been out of bed for eight years and had a carer for 12 hours a day -- four hours of which was just washing him. He needed bariatric surgery but they had a lot of trouble finding an ambulance big enough to get him to the hospital and they had to reinforce all the floors. The doctors had difficulty getting close enough to the middle of his stomach to do the surgery because of all of the folds of fat hanging off the sides of the table. They also had to cut off a huge roll of fat on his inner thigh because it was forcing his legs far apart and stopping him from walking even when he did lose some weight.
In the hospital before the operation they put him on a 500 calorie per day diet for a while. Don't you sometimes have crazy thoughts about doing a diet like that? Just for a while?
The thing about these really enormous bed-ridden people is that someone must be enabling them to get all that food. This guy was eating up to 20,000 calories a day. 20,000! He couldn't get out of bed to cook it or even open the door to home deliveries. I suppose his carer was just paid to do what he wanted, not make his decisions for him.
If it was a family member you loved would you keep giving them 20,000 calories a day, knowing how bad it was for them, letting them make their own choices ... putting another mortgage on your house so you could afford the food and the supersize bed and the carer ... or would you put them on an enforced diet that they couldn't do anything about? Tell them they could have bacon if they walked to the shops and bought it themself?
Obviously I found the show quite disturbing. Maybe because I know what a slippery slope weight gain is. Generally I think "I'm not that bad, sure a bit overweight but not huge" but then I see myself at an unflattering angle or, God forbid, naked; and I realise that I am seriously obese. I know I need to lose weight but I still eat junk food ... just this bit then I will get back on track tomorrow. Or next week. I need this food to make me feel better when I am sick, or sad, or lonely.
I'm not judging this guy. I'm terrified it would be so easy to be him.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Greased Lightning
Sunday:
This morning I tried my "Grease" dance game and it only took just over an hour to go through every track on solo. It was all pretty easy: both in terms of learning the choreography and the level of exercise. I got a score of A+ for everything. I'll try the non-solo games sometime. The dancing was fun but the interface was a bit annoying. We need to get microphones for the Kinect, I have a couple of sing-along games now that I can't use.
I wasn't too sore this morning, a little stiff from the kickboxing game yesterday. This afternoon I did another 50 mins of that one, and now I can hardly move. No, that is an exaggeration. I can move, it just hurts when I do. It seemed harder than yesterday, maybe because my body was resisting me. It didn't want to do all those punches and kicks.
Total of 2 hours exercise today. Ate a little too much, but all real food.
We had roast lamb tonight, and I feel a bit greasy now. I seem to be losing my tolerance for fatty food, which is great.
This morning I tried my "Grease" dance game and it only took just over an hour to go through every track on solo. It was all pretty easy: both in terms of learning the choreography and the level of exercise. I got a score of A+ for everything. I'll try the non-solo games sometime. The dancing was fun but the interface was a bit annoying. We need to get microphones for the Kinect, I have a couple of sing-along games now that I can't use.
I wasn't too sore this morning, a little stiff from the kickboxing game yesterday. This afternoon I did another 50 mins of that one, and now I can hardly move. No, that is an exaggeration. I can move, it just hurts when I do. It seemed harder than yesterday, maybe because my body was resisting me. It didn't want to do all those punches and kicks.
Total of 2 hours exercise today. Ate a little too much, but all real food.
We had roast lamb tonight, and I feel a bit greasy now. I seem to be losing my tolerance for fatty food, which is great.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Back on the treadmill
Thursday:I went to the gym on Monday and walked very slowly on the treadmill for half an hour. By the end I was sweaty and tired, and I had a bit of an illness relapse that afternoon. So I didn't exercise Tues or Wed -- yesterday was the first day I was feeling myself again. I went to the gym this morning and walked for an hour at a medium pace on the treadmill and it was fine so I think I am back to normal. Yay!
It is the first day of December, the first day of summer here, just over three weeks until Christmas. My weight has been stable for the past three months, which is very frustrating. I hope to lose at least one kilogram by Christmas. No, not hope. Plan. It is a tricky time of year, of course, but I can indulge a bit at parties without binging all month.
I will exercise five days a week again. I can't help having been sick for past couple of weeks, but it is time to get back on track. I will do classes at the gym and work on getting my lap of the lake down to 45 mins. I don't have a goal date for this achievement, I think it might take me a while. I might set a date after doing a few more trials.
I will also diet five days a week. I will track my food every day, and stay under my calorie limit (1340 plus extra for exercise) five days a week. It is the perfect time of year for eating lots of healthy fruit; at this moment in the fruitbowl I have nectarines, apricots, plums and grapes as well as the more mundane bananas and apples. This plan allows me to go over a bit on the evening we have D&D and on one day of the weekend. Like my exercise target, this will get me a bracelet charm after a month. I think this will help me to not give up if I have a bad day -- I still have wriggle room to get back on track.
I don't know why I thought I could trust myself with chips in the house, I bought some yesterday for D&D tonight. Then after my husband called to say he would be home very late from work (he ended up getting home just before midnight, poor darling) I sat in front of the TV and ate half the packet. I suppose I can count it a small victory that I only ate half! A couple of times recently I have kept eating until the packet was empty even though I felt quite sick.
I try not to sink into the mire of hating my body, a part of my self, but it is hard not to. I am very unhappy with how I look. My bulging stomach, in particular, is hard to disguise with clothes and it is what I see first when I look down or in the mirror. The top bulge, just under my breasts, is particularly unsightly; and actually makes it difficult to fit into many clothes that would otherwise be my size. Apparently I am the wrong shape, even for a fat girl. Depressing.
Well and so, it is never too late to do something about it! So I am doing something.
photo by Maxey
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Weekend of fat and salt
Sunday:I had a fairly debauched weekend -- food-wise at least. We drove to Sydney yesterday for a friends 40th party. On the way I had chips for afternoon tea. Then at the party I had a couple of glasses of wine and some snacks but tried to focus on catching up with old Uni friends rather than the array of food. I nibbled on the fruit platter quite a bit, which was pleasingly heathly yet delicious. I did have various other less-healthy tidbits too.
Sunday was worse. Bacon at my mum's for breakfast, a biscuit for morning tea, McDonalds on the road on the way home. Then when I got the leg of lamb out to roast it for dinner, it looked ... green. Not all over, but any green on your lamb is a bit off-putting. I called in my husband to have a look and then we both scanned the internet, which gave conflicting advice. The meat didn't smell bad, and it was within its use-by date, but I have had bad experiences with lamb before. In the end it wasn't worth the risk and we threw it out and ordered pizza.
Tomorrow is (yet another) fresh start. Yay for tomorrows! I am going to get up early to go to the gym, and try that for a week. That means an early night tonight.
I expect a weight gain overnight as my body retains water to deal with all the salt I ate today, so I will try not to freak about the scales in the morning.
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