Wednesday:
I'm feeling a bit cranky because I am still sick. Two weeks now! It is affecting my exam confidence. Five exams next week to study for. I was quite a lot better yesterday but this morning woke up with throat really sore again, aching legs, headache, fatigue, all as bad as ever. Frustrating. At least Jasmine has recovered from her relapse.
It's hard to know if stopping Duromine has had any physical effect because I'm feeling rotten anyway, it may be the cause of the upset tummy. Or not. But one I'm sure of is that the night sweats have immediately returned with a vengeance as they have every time I've stopped taking the tablets for a day or two. How many years does peri-menopause take? It's been at least... I'm not sure... four years so far? Maybe longer. At least four. Last night's accompanying stupid dream was about realising I'd left my school uniform by a swimming pool, on the other side of a shopping complex, and sending Aiden to get it but knowing he wouldn't be able to find it and that I was going to be late for school... We do wear uniforms all through our school life in Australia but not as an adult at a tertiary institution!
Thursday:
Dragged myself around TAFE today because it was the last week before exams and I didn’t want to miss last minute info, and we also had a timetabling session for next year. Sore throat and tired and horrible headache all day, even with Panadol. And then I got a call from the Intership people, I didn’t get it (Lauren did). I didn’t even think they were deciding yet, but clearly they did. A bit relieved because I don’t think I would have been able to work with the times they wanted, but mostly disappointed.
Slept in train on way home, and at home in front of TV. Most of my life sleeping atm.
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
Didn't get it
Tuesday:
I didn't get that library job, or even an interview. 😢 Email this morning said they had an overwhelming response so they chose the best qualified. Fair enough. I'm less than half way through my studies. And I don't think my application was great, I'm out of practice. And I need to focus on my studies not divide my attention with a part time job.
Still disappointed.
I'll wait until I've finished my course in 12 months before I apply again I think. I hadn't been intending to apply for anything until then anyway, until this one came up.
My weight has been creeping up slowly for a while and these past couple of weeks it has jumped up. 83.2 kg. Not good. I've been exercising a bit more (not enough to burn a significant amount of calories) but eating badly. I think due to a combination of cold weather, my birthday, school holidays with the kids and now my husband home, and most importantly I've been sleeping terribly. Really restless, frequent night sweats accompanied by stressful and frustrating dreams (like last night I was supposed to go and pick up a dog but my car was blocked into the car park so I couldn't get out, and then I was at a lunch buffet where my husband was eating doughnuts but all I could see was raw chicken drumsticks and Aiden was crying because he didn't like sausages. All weird nonsense.) Of course lack of decent sleep makes me tired all day, which makes me want to eat to keep myself going. And not exercise.
It's so frustrating. If I don't count not getting the job my life is really good with nothing to complain about - except that I feel tired and sick all the time which sucks so much. And I can't lose weight. I'm in a bad-health hole that is affecting my whole life. And my family's lives, they have a lethargic headachy cranky wife/mother who never wants to do anything.
Ok, lets move away from that train wreck. I just read 'Spark Joy', that book about how to declutter. I quite like the idea of keeping only things that bring you joy and getting rid of the rest, but the detail she goes into about the correct way to fold clothes seems a bit excessive. And the idea that you should get rid of most books after you've read them! No no no.
We've lost momentum on our box-of-the-day sorting. We did it all last week but then stopped. At least what we have left is now stacked neatly in the garage. That sparks joy for me!
Ninja Warrior Australia has just started here and we are watching avidly. They are all so athletic! If I could be awesome at one sport, it would be that parkour stuff.
I didn't get that library job, or even an interview. 😢 Email this morning said they had an overwhelming response so they chose the best qualified. Fair enough. I'm less than half way through my studies. And I don't think my application was great, I'm out of practice. And I need to focus on my studies not divide my attention with a part time job.
Still disappointed.
I'll wait until I've finished my course in 12 months before I apply again I think. I hadn't been intending to apply for anything until then anyway, until this one came up.
My weight has been creeping up slowly for a while and these past couple of weeks it has jumped up. 83.2 kg. Not good. I've been exercising a bit more (not enough to burn a significant amount of calories) but eating badly. I think due to a combination of cold weather, my birthday, school holidays with the kids and now my husband home, and most importantly I've been sleeping terribly. Really restless, frequent night sweats accompanied by stressful and frustrating dreams (like last night I was supposed to go and pick up a dog but my car was blocked into the car park so I couldn't get out, and then I was at a lunch buffet where my husband was eating doughnuts but all I could see was raw chicken drumsticks and Aiden was crying because he didn't like sausages. All weird nonsense.) Of course lack of decent sleep makes me tired all day, which makes me want to eat to keep myself going. And not exercise.
It's so frustrating. If I don't count not getting the job my life is really good with nothing to complain about - except that I feel tired and sick all the time which sucks so much. And I can't lose weight. I'm in a bad-health hole that is affecting my whole life. And my family's lives, they have a lethargic headachy cranky wife/mother who never wants to do anything.
Ok, lets move away from that train wreck. I just read 'Spark Joy', that book about how to declutter. I quite like the idea of keeping only things that bring you joy and getting rid of the rest, but the detail she goes into about the correct way to fold clothes seems a bit excessive. And the idea that you should get rid of most books after you've read them! No no no.
We've lost momentum on our box-of-the-day sorting. We did it all last week but then stopped. At least what we have left is now stacked neatly in the garage. That sparks joy for me!
Ninja Warrior Australia has just started here and we are watching avidly. They are all so athletic! If I could be awesome at one sport, it would be that parkour stuff.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Nasty dream
Monday:
My weight this morning was 83.8 kg, a tiny bit up. It was down all week but Saturday undid that. Not that I "earned" any weight loss, I wasn't paying any attention to food or exercise all week. It was a hard week. Pelvic pain and headache all week, day and night, hopefully it will ease up now.
Yesterday we had family over in the afternoon, the boys played Arcana Evolved (a variant of Dungeons and Dragons), Jasmine looked after little cousin Emma, I just mooched around. Actually I spent a lot of time over the weekend working on my little cross-stitch that I am making for when Ping has her baby, I can hardly tear myself away from it. It is supposed to be a ten hour project, I am a bit out of practice so it might take me longer but I'm half-way done now. The problem is that the house is so dark and my eyesight isn't what it once was. The original plan was to sew while watching TV in the evening but the light is too poor. I do it anyway, and have had to unpick sections a couple of times! I sit near a window during the day.
I had the most horrendous dream last night. I've been having bad dreams through this whole peri-menopause or whatever, but this one was worse and I need to write it down to debrief. Skip if you are squeamish. For background, I do have four cousins who are heavily pregnant right now, and I recently read a book where a dangerous snake had its head chopped off. So the dream imagery wasn't completely out of the blue. So in the dream several snakes had escaped from somewhere and one was very venomous. I had a little hand axe and was trying to chop its head off, but kept missing. It was slithering between several very young children who didn't seem to notice it. Eventually I got it. Then I had to continue going after more snakes. I saw my cousin; lying naked, tanned and heavily pregnant (she is not actually one of the ones pregnant in real life) and I went over and used the axe to start to chop into her stomach. I don't know why except it was something to do with the snakes. I was trying to get right through the huge belly to sever her spine but it was hard work. She was screaming and some other people looked over but decided everything must be ok because it was just me and I must have good reason for what I was doing. Then I woke up, very shaken. So vivid and gory and disturbing. I still feel a bit ill now thinking about it. It was 1:30 in the morning when I woke and I was dismayed that I still had most of the night to get through.
The only reason I can think of for the dream is maybe wanting to get rid of the fibroid growth in my own uterus and being scared of surgery? Or, since I'm not aware of being scared, maybe it just shows my eagerness to get on with it. In a horribly brutal and violent way. It was like being in a horror movie.
Anyway, today was quite nice. The weather turned again and we had a sunny day. I didn't get out much, only to the library and shopping, I plan to go to the park tomorrow.
My weight this morning was 83.8 kg, a tiny bit up. It was down all week but Saturday undid that. Not that I "earned" any weight loss, I wasn't paying any attention to food or exercise all week. It was a hard week. Pelvic pain and headache all week, day and night, hopefully it will ease up now.
Yesterday we had family over in the afternoon, the boys played Arcana Evolved (a variant of Dungeons and Dragons), Jasmine looked after little cousin Emma, I just mooched around. Actually I spent a lot of time over the weekend working on my little cross-stitch that I am making for when Ping has her baby, I can hardly tear myself away from it. It is supposed to be a ten hour project, I am a bit out of practice so it might take me longer but I'm half-way done now. The problem is that the house is so dark and my eyesight isn't what it once was. The original plan was to sew while watching TV in the evening but the light is too poor. I do it anyway, and have had to unpick sections a couple of times! I sit near a window during the day.
I had the most horrendous dream last night. I've been having bad dreams through this whole peri-menopause or whatever, but this one was worse and I need to write it down to debrief. Skip if you are squeamish. For background, I do have four cousins who are heavily pregnant right now, and I recently read a book where a dangerous snake had its head chopped off. So the dream imagery wasn't completely out of the blue. So in the dream several snakes had escaped from somewhere and one was very venomous. I had a little hand axe and was trying to chop its head off, but kept missing. It was slithering between several very young children who didn't seem to notice it. Eventually I got it. Then I had to continue going after more snakes. I saw my cousin; lying naked, tanned and heavily pregnant (she is not actually one of the ones pregnant in real life) and I went over and used the axe to start to chop into her stomach. I don't know why except it was something to do with the snakes. I was trying to get right through the huge belly to sever her spine but it was hard work. She was screaming and some other people looked over but decided everything must be ok because it was just me and I must have good reason for what I was doing. Then I woke up, very shaken. So vivid and gory and disturbing. I still feel a bit ill now thinking about it. It was 1:30 in the morning when I woke and I was dismayed that I still had most of the night to get through.
The only reason I can think of for the dream is maybe wanting to get rid of the fibroid growth in my own uterus and being scared of surgery? Or, since I'm not aware of being scared, maybe it just shows my eagerness to get on with it. In a horribly brutal and violent way. It was like being in a horror movie.
Anyway, today was quite nice. The weather turned again and we had a sunny day. I didn't get out much, only to the library and shopping, I plan to go to the park tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Titty slap
Wednesday:
A couple of things I found amusing/weird today. I dreamed I was in the library and was chosen by ASIO (our Intelligence organisation) for some kind of random screening. A timid young man was asking me questions that were scrawled on the back of a torn poster. The only question I remember was: Jamal says his father is having visions of glory and the afterlife, what do you do? My reply was: tell Jamal to get his father to a doctor because he might have a tumour pressing on his optic nerve.
Then I spent the morning in an unfamiliar suburb, principally to get Jasmine a new reed for her clarinet but also buying some other things while I was there. My foot was ok at first but very sore by the end, I parked in one place then limped around so I did quite a bit of walking. Anyway, the funny bit was when I grabbed a few things in the supermarket and went through the 12 items or less lane. As I put my bag of apples on the counter with my other items, I asked if six apples counted as one item or six? The friendly little old lady behind me cheekily said six, the cashier said it depended on the customer. Some people she wanted to punch in the face. She was a tall, hefty young lady and I certainly wouldn't want to be punched by her. We agreed that some people made us want to punch them, then she went on to say that actually what she really wanted to do was give some people a titty slap. I didn't quite understand her at first but nodded away, and she went into a bit of a detail, with actions. Inside I was half laughing, half eager to get out of there. Really, a "titty slap"? Interesting customer service motto.
Terrible food today. Snacked on all sorts of things. The only reasonably healthy thing was the beef bouguignon I made for dinner. Except for the mashed potato with cream and cheese. Which was both unhealthy and not particularly nice. My husband makes excellent mashed potato, mine is lumpy every time.
A couple of things I found amusing/weird today. I dreamed I was in the library and was chosen by ASIO (our Intelligence organisation) for some kind of random screening. A timid young man was asking me questions that were scrawled on the back of a torn poster. The only question I remember was: Jamal says his father is having visions of glory and the afterlife, what do you do? My reply was: tell Jamal to get his father to a doctor because he might have a tumour pressing on his optic nerve.
Then I spent the morning in an unfamiliar suburb, principally to get Jasmine a new reed for her clarinet but also buying some other things while I was there. My foot was ok at first but very sore by the end, I parked in one place then limped around so I did quite a bit of walking. Anyway, the funny bit was when I grabbed a few things in the supermarket and went through the 12 items or less lane. As I put my bag of apples on the counter with my other items, I asked if six apples counted as one item or six? The friendly little old lady behind me cheekily said six, the cashier said it depended on the customer. Some people she wanted to punch in the face. She was a tall, hefty young lady and I certainly wouldn't want to be punched by her. We agreed that some people made us want to punch them, then she went on to say that actually what she really wanted to do was give some people a titty slap. I didn't quite understand her at first but nodded away, and she went into a bit of a detail, with actions. Inside I was half laughing, half eager to get out of there. Really, a "titty slap"? Interesting customer service motto.
Terrible food today. Snacked on all sorts of things. The only reasonably healthy thing was the beef bouguignon I made for dinner. Except for the mashed potato with cream and cheese. Which was both unhealthy and not particularly nice. My husband makes excellent mashed potato, mine is lumpy every time.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Six: Reframe
Sunday:
(morning)
My weight was a tiny bit up this morning. I feared much worse. I've decided to reframe my three days of stumbles. Because you know what? I started a new diet while quite nastily sick (and Tim sick too and now Jasmine has come down with it) but it doesn't affect appetite AND with a houseful of leftover Easter chocolate AND my hormones seem all messed up because I've had my period for eleven days and counting but I've still lost weight every day except today - quite a significant amount in fact. So I'm calling it a win against the odds instead of a fail because I'm not perfect.
I seem to be having these worry/frustration dreams even when not having night sweats, now. Just about every night, often several a night. It's starting to concern me a bit. Am I so full of stress and anger? Some of the more memorable include Jasmine being pregnant at twelve, being caught in a tidal wave, getting angry with Aiden because he was trying to reverse park the car and not doing a good job (he's nine), my mother being really annoying and me telling her to f*ck off (a scenario even more unlikely than the others, even if she was still alive).
Last night's dream was funny enough to relate, although it was annoying to experience. I was trying to get guests to the house help me remember how to use the weird toilets here. There was one in a cupboard up high above the fridge that I wasn't sure how to get to. There was one in a kitchen drawer that I was very puzzled by - I showed the guest, and it turned out to be a teacup, with a teabag in it, in a box. The two guests weren't paying much attention to me because they were watching a TV sports show that involved people dressed up as horses, so they weren't helping. Frustrating.
And then I was putting on a pair of cream coloured jeans but when I got them on they were normal blue and were also too tight so I was looking for the cream ones and frustrated that I would have to take off my hiking boots to change again.
I won't bore you with more. But is this normal to have so many like this? I'm not aware of being concerned about anything other than my health during the day. Maybe everyone has them all the time but most people don't remember their dreams. I remember a lot of them at the moment because I wake frequently during the night.
Anyway, did well today. Had guests for dinner so ate a little more than usual. Still feeling pretty tired and yuck, but a lot better than yesterday.
What I ate:
Breakfast: Yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
Lunch: Homemade tomato soup. Mixed nuts.
Snack: Cheese, tea.
Dinner: Pork ribs, salad, potato, cheesecake.
Water: eleven cups.
(morning)
My weight was a tiny bit up this morning. I feared much worse. I've decided to reframe my three days of stumbles. Because you know what? I started a new diet while quite nastily sick (and Tim sick too and now Jasmine has come down with it) but it doesn't affect appetite AND with a houseful of leftover Easter chocolate AND my hormones seem all messed up because I've had my period for eleven days and counting but I've still lost weight every day except today - quite a significant amount in fact. So I'm calling it a win against the odds instead of a fail because I'm not perfect.
I seem to be having these worry/frustration dreams even when not having night sweats, now. Just about every night, often several a night. It's starting to concern me a bit. Am I so full of stress and anger? Some of the more memorable include Jasmine being pregnant at twelve, being caught in a tidal wave, getting angry with Aiden because he was trying to reverse park the car and not doing a good job (he's nine), my mother being really annoying and me telling her to f*ck off (a scenario even more unlikely than the others, even if she was still alive).
Last night's dream was funny enough to relate, although it was annoying to experience. I was trying to get guests to the house help me remember how to use the weird toilets here. There was one in a cupboard up high above the fridge that I wasn't sure how to get to. There was one in a kitchen drawer that I was very puzzled by - I showed the guest, and it turned out to be a teacup, with a teabag in it, in a box. The two guests weren't paying much attention to me because they were watching a TV sports show that involved people dressed up as horses, so they weren't helping. Frustrating.
And then I was putting on a pair of cream coloured jeans but when I got them on they were normal blue and were also too tight so I was looking for the cream ones and frustrated that I would have to take off my hiking boots to change again.
I won't bore you with more. But is this normal to have so many like this? I'm not aware of being concerned about anything other than my health during the day. Maybe everyone has them all the time but most people don't remember their dreams. I remember a lot of them at the moment because I wake frequently during the night.
Anyway, did well today. Had guests for dinner so ate a little more than usual. Still feeling pretty tired and yuck, but a lot better than yesterday.
What I ate:
Breakfast: Yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
Lunch: Homemade tomato soup. Mixed nuts.
Snack: Cheese, tea.
Dinner: Pork ribs, salad, potato, cheesecake.
Water: eleven cups.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Mental health day
Saturday:
Continuing to feel much better today. I woke early as usual, several times, but managed to get back to sleep and snoozed until nearly 9 which was wonderful. And for the first time in ages I had a dream where I was in control instead of helpless and frustrated. (I turned into a bull and trampled and gored my attackers.)
It could be unpredictable fluctuations in hormones, but the other thing that is different is that a couple of days ago I gave up on my diet and started to eat whatever I wanted. I don't think it's a huge change physically as I was failing on my diet anyway and eating plenty of treat foods all along - but it is a huge change mentally. I am no longer putting all my energy into resisting the lure of food, fighting temptation, exhausting myself trying to stick to my diet and feeling bad about failing.
The strange upshot of which is that after a couple of days of complete food freedom I'm feeling refreshed and ready to try again! Because I can't just eat whatever I like forever. That is what got me to sleep apnoea and pre-diabetes and diverticulitis etc. I have to find a plan that I can live with for the rest of my long healthy life. And I'm ready to think about that again. After only a couple of days, which surprises me. Normally I take weeks or months between healthy living attempts.
I'm considering continuing my healthy Mediterranean diet plan, which was as good as any I have tried (and was recently rated most easy to stick to, I read), but with a regular weekly "cheat day" but I hate the word "cheat". So a regular "indulgence day". Usually these days off are promoted by diet-inventors as a physical thing, to keep your body guessing. But for me it would be a mental health day, when I can relax and by eating whatever I want, ironically not have to think about food all the time. Enjoying dessert (without guilt) when the extended family gets together for dinner. Not stressing if Tim and the kids make muffins. Going to a café for brunch. Sounds like a lovely mental health day to me.
I am still deciding between a sort of "all you can eat" free day when I actively plan treat meals for the whole day, or alternatively a relaxed weekend when I still prepare normal healthy Mediterranean-diet-style meals but also allow some treats on both days (like a cheese platter with guests, ice cream at the beach, not trying to avoid every carb on the menu at a restaurant). Either way, I would be eating clean during the week.
And I'm going to dance my booty off. Literally.
Continuing to feel much better today. I woke early as usual, several times, but managed to get back to sleep and snoozed until nearly 9 which was wonderful. And for the first time in ages I had a dream where I was in control instead of helpless and frustrated. (I turned into a bull and trampled and gored my attackers.)
It could be unpredictable fluctuations in hormones, but the other thing that is different is that a couple of days ago I gave up on my diet and started to eat whatever I wanted. I don't think it's a huge change physically as I was failing on my diet anyway and eating plenty of treat foods all along - but it is a huge change mentally. I am no longer putting all my energy into resisting the lure of food, fighting temptation, exhausting myself trying to stick to my diet and feeling bad about failing.
The strange upshot of which is that after a couple of days of complete food freedom I'm feeling refreshed and ready to try again! Because I can't just eat whatever I like forever. That is what got me to sleep apnoea and pre-diabetes and diverticulitis etc. I have to find a plan that I can live with for the rest of my long healthy life. And I'm ready to think about that again. After only a couple of days, which surprises me. Normally I take weeks or months between healthy living attempts.
I'm considering continuing my healthy Mediterranean diet plan, which was as good as any I have tried (and was recently rated most easy to stick to, I read), but with a regular weekly "cheat day" but I hate the word "cheat". So a regular "indulgence day". Usually these days off are promoted by diet-inventors as a physical thing, to keep your body guessing. But for me it would be a mental health day, when I can relax and by eating whatever I want, ironically not have to think about food all the time. Enjoying dessert (without guilt) when the extended family gets together for dinner. Not stressing if Tim and the kids make muffins. Going to a café for brunch. Sounds like a lovely mental health day to me.
I am still deciding between a sort of "all you can eat" free day when I actively plan treat meals for the whole day, or alternatively a relaxed weekend when I still prepare normal healthy Mediterranean-diet-style meals but also allow some treats on both days (like a cheese platter with guests, ice cream at the beach, not trying to avoid every carb on the menu at a restaurant). Either way, I would be eating clean during the week.
And I'm going to dance my booty off. Literally.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Backsliding
Wednesday:
More night sweats and bad dreams. Last night it was running around an almost-empty shopping complex (on late Sunday afternoon with all the shops closing) trying to find the entrance to the parking lot where I'd left my car. I spent time on a bus going in the wrong direction, I met up with a friend who assured me she knew where it was, I asked at an information desk... so frustrating! I am having so many bad dreams like this, not full-on nightmares but stressful. And I wake all clammy and stinking of sweat and unable to get back to sleep. Don't you just love peri-menopause?
In spite of that I had a very productive day with writing. It's mainly a matter of sticking with staring at the screen long enough to get immersed, then I'm fine. I also practiced guitar and went for a walk, and made a phone call I was dreading a bit. Before Christmas we had a chest of drawers delivered for Aiden, it was flatpacked but part of the deal was that the guy put it together for us, which he did. Except one drawer base was missing. Two months and several phone calls later and it still hadn't been resolved, the best I'd got was "It's on our system, we'll get back to you." I hate confrontation so I wasn't hassling them as much as I should have. But yesterday I took a deep breath and rang again and got cranky. And finally got an answer that they had the missing part in stock now and a promise it would be fixed next week. It hasn't actually been done yet, but this is the furthest I've got so far!
Diet not so good. This is the last week of my eight week diet thing, but I'm having more bad days than good now and I can't really claim to be sticking to it at all. I've put a bit of weight back on and I'm very scared that it won't be long before I'm back to where I started. But I feel so tired and lost that I don't know how to change. Am I sabotaging myself because I'm scared to be thin, or convinced in my own head that I'm incapable of losing weight? Is my husband unconsciously sabotaging me by giving me more than half a kilogram of chocolate for Valentine's? He wants me to be healthy but thinks I obsess about food too much. For him, it's all about exercising more, not restricting food.
Poor Jasmine is sick with a nasty headcold. She doesn't get sick very often. I hope it doesn't spread to the whole household. But how likely is that?
More night sweats and bad dreams. Last night it was running around an almost-empty shopping complex (on late Sunday afternoon with all the shops closing) trying to find the entrance to the parking lot where I'd left my car. I spent time on a bus going in the wrong direction, I met up with a friend who assured me she knew where it was, I asked at an information desk... so frustrating! I am having so many bad dreams like this, not full-on nightmares but stressful. And I wake all clammy and stinking of sweat and unable to get back to sleep. Don't you just love peri-menopause?
In spite of that I had a very productive day with writing. It's mainly a matter of sticking with staring at the screen long enough to get immersed, then I'm fine. I also practiced guitar and went for a walk, and made a phone call I was dreading a bit. Before Christmas we had a chest of drawers delivered for Aiden, it was flatpacked but part of the deal was that the guy put it together for us, which he did. Except one drawer base was missing. Two months and several phone calls later and it still hadn't been resolved, the best I'd got was "It's on our system, we'll get back to you." I hate confrontation so I wasn't hassling them as much as I should have. But yesterday I took a deep breath and rang again and got cranky. And finally got an answer that they had the missing part in stock now and a promise it would be fixed next week. It hasn't actually been done yet, but this is the furthest I've got so far!
Diet not so good. This is the last week of my eight week diet thing, but I'm having more bad days than good now and I can't really claim to be sticking to it at all. I've put a bit of weight back on and I'm very scared that it won't be long before I'm back to where I started. But I feel so tired and lost that I don't know how to change. Am I sabotaging myself because I'm scared to be thin, or convinced in my own head that I'm incapable of losing weight? Is my husband unconsciously sabotaging me by giving me more than half a kilogram of chocolate for Valentine's? He wants me to be healthy but thinks I obsess about food too much. For him, it's all about exercising more, not restricting food.
Poor Jasmine is sick with a nasty headcold. She doesn't get sick very often. I hope it doesn't spread to the whole household. But how likely is that?
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Mystery
Tuesday:
I kept my CPAP on for more than five hours last night, the best I've done for months. So that was great. But then my husband had to get up super early to catch a flight and I couldn't get back to sleep for ages after he left. And when I did get to sleep the doorbell rang and I slowly struggled up out of the mire of deep sleep so I could get up and answer it only to realise that we don't actually have a doorbell. And then I dreamed about snakes, lots of very aggressive venomous red-belly black snakes. And I didn't have any shoes on but I couldn't go inside to get some because then I wouldn't see where the snakes went and the kids might get bitten. I was armed with a stick and a spatula. Holding them down with the end of the stick and cutting their head off with the edge of the spatula and chopping them up with it.
Finally I woke up, late for school and very groggy and woolly-headed. I managed to get the kids away but there was no way I was going to the gym, I could hardly see straight. I kidded myself that I might exercise later, but didn't. I spent the day editing and reading, mostly. Taking Jasmine to her dance lesson. Cleaning the house for a) friends coming over for kids' playdate and b) friends coming over for Dungeons and Dragons playdate - neither of which actually happened.
I had a very strange phone call yesterday. The (youngish female) caller asked if I knew one of my neighbours a couple of doors down. I didn't. She asked if I would mind putting a note in his mailbox with her name and phone number, and a reference number - the ref number made it sound like a business rather than personal thing. I said I would. She asked if she could call back in a couple of days if he hadn't called her. I asked her not to, I didn't want to get any more involved in whatever this was, and she was politely accepting of that. I didn't get around to it yesterday but walked over today and put the note in the mailbox. The weird thing is that I'm pretty sure it's a retired Greek or Italian couple living there. Did someone give her a dodgy address, which is why she's having so much trouble contacting them that she had to call a complete stranger who lived in the same street? And how did she get my address, did she scan Canberra's white pages until she found that street name? I could have asked for more details, but the mystery is probably more interesting.
I kept my CPAP on for more than five hours last night, the best I've done for months. So that was great. But then my husband had to get up super early to catch a flight and I couldn't get back to sleep for ages after he left. And when I did get to sleep the doorbell rang and I slowly struggled up out of the mire of deep sleep so I could get up and answer it only to realise that we don't actually have a doorbell. And then I dreamed about snakes, lots of very aggressive venomous red-belly black snakes. And I didn't have any shoes on but I couldn't go inside to get some because then I wouldn't see where the snakes went and the kids might get bitten. I was armed with a stick and a spatula. Holding them down with the end of the stick and cutting their head off with the edge of the spatula and chopping them up with it.
Finally I woke up, late for school and very groggy and woolly-headed. I managed to get the kids away but there was no way I was going to the gym, I could hardly see straight. I kidded myself that I might exercise later, but didn't. I spent the day editing and reading, mostly. Taking Jasmine to her dance lesson. Cleaning the house for a) friends coming over for kids' playdate and b) friends coming over for Dungeons and Dragons playdate - neither of which actually happened.
I had a very strange phone call yesterday. The (youngish female) caller asked if I knew one of my neighbours a couple of doors down. I didn't. She asked if I would mind putting a note in his mailbox with her name and phone number, and a reference number - the ref number made it sound like a business rather than personal thing. I said I would. She asked if she could call back in a couple of days if he hadn't called her. I asked her not to, I didn't want to get any more involved in whatever this was, and she was politely accepting of that. I didn't get around to it yesterday but walked over today and put the note in the mailbox. The weird thing is that I'm pretty sure it's a retired Greek or Italian couple living there. Did someone give her a dodgy address, which is why she's having so much trouble contacting them that she had to call a complete stranger who lived in the same street? And how did she get my address, did she scan Canberra's white pages until she found that street name? I could have asked for more details, but the mystery is probably more interesting.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Waiting to be happy
Saturday:
A couple of quotes came up on my Facebook today that really spoke to me:
Our society seems to put a more value on looking good that being a nice person. Some days it seems like my whole life revolves around my weight. Yes my health is very important. But being 20 kg overweight does not make me a bad or unlovable person.
I mentioned yesterday that I was having a spoilt child tantrum about having to manage my weight. Well last night I externalised that. I dreamed that I was the full-time carer of a spoilt child! He was overweight and bratty, simultaneously neglected and overindulged by his parents. It was my job to cater to his every whim, a lot of which revolved around food. At the end of the dream he asked if I would be his girlfriend (he was about 12) and I said no but that I would help him get one, and I realised my job should actually be to help him change, but in a loving and caring way. I don't need a therapist to help me analyse that one!
We were supposed to visit Sydney this weekend but Tim is still sick with whatever germ is going round the family.
My mum is feeling a lot better after the chemo pills and a week of radiotherapy every day. I'm so amazed and thankful that she is going so well. When she first told me she had breast cancer that had spread to all her bones, even her spine and her skull, I was sure there was no hope and she was probably going to die within months. But the treatment is helping so much and the doctors seem to be very hopeful, there doesn't seem any expectation that she will die soon. I have a lot to be grateful for.
A couple of quotes came up on my Facebook today that really spoke to me:
I've got to stop waiting for circumstances to change so I can start being happy! Sure being thin would be nice but it isn't going to magically change my life. Or what if it does? Should I waste all this time now that I am not thin? Sometimes I feel in limbo waiting to move back to Sydney, waiting for uni to start, waiting for something. But there is so much to appreciate and enjoy right now.
Our society seems to put a more value on looking good that being a nice person. Some days it seems like my whole life revolves around my weight. Yes my health is very important. But being 20 kg overweight does not make me a bad or unlovable person.
I mentioned yesterday that I was having a spoilt child tantrum about having to manage my weight. Well last night I externalised that. I dreamed that I was the full-time carer of a spoilt child! He was overweight and bratty, simultaneously neglected and overindulged by his parents. It was my job to cater to his every whim, a lot of which revolved around food. At the end of the dream he asked if I would be his girlfriend (he was about 12) and I said no but that I would help him get one, and I realised my job should actually be to help him change, but in a loving and caring way. I don't need a therapist to help me analyse that one!
We were supposed to visit Sydney this weekend but Tim is still sick with whatever germ is going round the family.
My mum is feeling a lot better after the chemo pills and a week of radiotherapy every day. I'm so amazed and thankful that she is going so well. When she first told me she had breast cancer that had spread to all her bones, even her spine and her skull, I was sure there was no hope and she was probably going to die within months. But the treatment is helping so much and the doctors seem to be very hopeful, there doesn't seem any expectation that she will die soon. I have a lot to be grateful for.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Rabbiting on
Tuesday:
My son is home sick today and I'm not getting any work done so I thought I'd just come here and rabbit on a bit.
I'm doing better with the food. Exercise is still a bit of struggle. Am I still getting over my illness of last week, or are my vague symptoms of achy legs and stiff neck and tiredness just the usual ailments of someone carrying an extra 20 kgs and not moving their body enough? I never know. My compromise is to do gentle exercise like walking.
Yesterday I was trying to write and the words were coming slowly and painfully so I ended up going out for a walk instead. And that got the creative juices really flowing - the scene I was struggling with suddenly became clear. Walking is good thinking time.
I watched a documentary about obesity last night, I think it's one I've seen before, with a rather judgemental skinny female doctor learning that obesity is not just a matter of character. She was stunned to be shown hormone levels from an obese person compared with her own, and how different they were. So fat people aren't just lazy slobs? The obese person's hormones never signalled fullness properly, so they were at least a bit hungry all the time. And they did an experiment on her (disguising what they were actually testing for) where they made her fast for 24 hours, then offering her a wide variety of foods and when really hungry she went for the fatty sweet carb-laden foods that she would normally avoid. When her hormones told her that's what she needed, she gave in at once and obeyed. And when they altered an obese person's hormone levels by giving them a gastric bypass, the person made food choices like a not-obese person. [They didn't say this in the doco, but I think it's a vicious cycle with high levels of body fat affecting hormones, which affect diet, which increase body fat etc.] They also looked at identical twins and how life stresses had put one twin on the path to obesity and not the other. Anyway, the doctor was really amazed at how things other than just lack of willpower affect obesity, and that it is actually more difficult for some people to be a healthy weight. One of the researchers on the show hoped that work with the vital hormones ghrelin and leptin would help obese people in the future without having to section off most of their stomachs.
So that was interesting.
I've had similar dreams two nights in a row. First my son was somehow out of the car (he has just turned 7, still my little boy) and we had trouble finding somewhere to stop and park then had to walk up this long hill and I was hurrying and looking and walking and finally found him. My legs were really sore yesterday morning and I wonder if I was actually trying to walk uphill in my sleep? Then last night I got on a bus with him and realised I didn't have my money so told him to stay in his seat and told the bus driver to wait just a second and got off the bus and it drove away. And I was walking and walking miles following it, trying to catch up. I wonder what these dreams mean, what my subconscious is really worried about.
I talked a while ago about why I wasn't going to go to my cousin's engagement party. Yesterday I told my mum (by email) about how I felt like a slug amongst butterflies around them. She hasn't responded yet. She is the only other overweight one in the family, so she may have been dealing with the same problems her whole life. I wasn't going to talk to her about it but she was wondering why I wasn't going so I decided to. I feel a bit guilty because it is her family and I hardly ever see them, I see my husband's family much more often and feel more comfortable with them.
My son is home sick today and I'm not getting any work done so I thought I'd just come here and rabbit on a bit.
I'm doing better with the food. Exercise is still a bit of struggle. Am I still getting over my illness of last week, or are my vague symptoms of achy legs and stiff neck and tiredness just the usual ailments of someone carrying an extra 20 kgs and not moving their body enough? I never know. My compromise is to do gentle exercise like walking.
Yesterday I was trying to write and the words were coming slowly and painfully so I ended up going out for a walk instead. And that got the creative juices really flowing - the scene I was struggling with suddenly became clear. Walking is good thinking time.
I watched a documentary about obesity last night, I think it's one I've seen before, with a rather judgemental skinny female doctor learning that obesity is not just a matter of character. She was stunned to be shown hormone levels from an obese person compared with her own, and how different they were. So fat people aren't just lazy slobs? The obese person's hormones never signalled fullness properly, so they were at least a bit hungry all the time. And they did an experiment on her (disguising what they were actually testing for) where they made her fast for 24 hours, then offering her a wide variety of foods and when really hungry she went for the fatty sweet carb-laden foods that she would normally avoid. When her hormones told her that's what she needed, she gave in at once and obeyed. And when they altered an obese person's hormone levels by giving them a gastric bypass, the person made food choices like a not-obese person. [They didn't say this in the doco, but I think it's a vicious cycle with high levels of body fat affecting hormones, which affect diet, which increase body fat etc.] They also looked at identical twins and how life stresses had put one twin on the path to obesity and not the other. Anyway, the doctor was really amazed at how things other than just lack of willpower affect obesity, and that it is actually more difficult for some people to be a healthy weight. One of the researchers on the show hoped that work with the vital hormones ghrelin and leptin would help obese people in the future without having to section off most of their stomachs.
So that was interesting.
I've had similar dreams two nights in a row. First my son was somehow out of the car (he has just turned 7, still my little boy) and we had trouble finding somewhere to stop and park then had to walk up this long hill and I was hurrying and looking and walking and finally found him. My legs were really sore yesterday morning and I wonder if I was actually trying to walk uphill in my sleep? Then last night I got on a bus with him and realised I didn't have my money so told him to stay in his seat and told the bus driver to wait just a second and got off the bus and it drove away. And I was walking and walking miles following it, trying to catch up. I wonder what these dreams mean, what my subconscious is really worried about.
I talked a while ago about why I wasn't going to go to my cousin's engagement party. Yesterday I told my mum (by email) about how I felt like a slug amongst butterflies around them. She hasn't responded yet. She is the only other overweight one in the family, so she may have been dealing with the same problems her whole life. I wasn't going to talk to her about it but she was wondering why I wasn't going so I decided to. I feel a bit guilty because it is her family and I hardly ever see them, I see my husband's family much more often and feel more comfortable with them.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Heavier
Wednesday:
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Sugar and Satan
Wednesday:
Day two of eating excellently well. I don't claim perfection (not sure what that would mean, anyway); I've had a bit of salad dressing, and some oyster sauce and soy sauce. And also two squares of dark chocolate. So if I was going for utterly nothing processed and no sugar whatsoever I would have failed. But I'm not. So I didn't.
My days are currently revolving around work things, some of which are a bit frustrating. I finished editing a manuscript and sent it back to the author. She asked me to make a few changes/additions (I always expect some revision, and allow time for that) so I did that today. And half an hour after she got the manuscript she sent an email asking could I please make the changes to the attached new version instead. So basically a day's work down the drain. Not very happy about that. I shall be investigating some way of quickly comparing two documents so I can find the changes. And she wants to send it to the publisher on Friday. And she hasn't responded to all my queries yet. (Punches mouse-pad.)
Then tomorrow I have a Skype interview for a short-term government position (still as an editor). I like the idea of working in a office with other people for a couple of months instead of at home alone. And I know and like the woman who would be my supervisor. My husband has Skype on his computer but I have never used it and I usually even leave the room when he does -- I hate it. I look horrible on screen and I don't like people watching me. Why I feel different when it's through a camera than if they were just there in the room with me, I don't know.
And my husband is away tonight so he was trying to explain to me over the phone how to get it to work. Still having problems that I have to sort out by tomorrow! I might have to call a friend over tonight to help me. I'm definitely not tech savvy. So I'm stressed about that.
My foot still hurts whenever I walk. Maybe I should see a physio about it. Of course if I do get this job, suddenly all my plans to do stuff like that and go to the hairdresser and get the gate fixed and all that will be delayed.
My subconscious has decided that sugar is literally the devil. I dreamed last night that I was at a children's party where the hostess put out trays and bowls of lollies and chocolates for the parents, and I was hoeing in. And putting more in a party bag to take home (actually the "party bag" was an empty wine bottle, so there is more symbolism for you). Then it all segued into my being in a Satanist church (it was all Gothic and this stone image of Satan lunged at me which was scary) -- apparently I was there to bring them down from within, but I was rather concerned that my iPhone playing "Affirmation" would blow my cover. Anyway, the two parts of the dream seemed linked at the time. Sugar is evil!
I really am about to take my daughter to a birthday party this afternoon. But I will decline all offers of cake.
Day two of eating excellently well. I don't claim perfection (not sure what that would mean, anyway); I've had a bit of salad dressing, and some oyster sauce and soy sauce. And also two squares of dark chocolate. So if I was going for utterly nothing processed and no sugar whatsoever I would have failed. But I'm not. So I didn't.
My days are currently revolving around work things, some of which are a bit frustrating. I finished editing a manuscript and sent it back to the author. She asked me to make a few changes/additions (I always expect some revision, and allow time for that) so I did that today. And half an hour after she got the manuscript she sent an email asking could I please make the changes to the attached new version instead. So basically a day's work down the drain. Not very happy about that. I shall be investigating some way of quickly comparing two documents so I can find the changes. And she wants to send it to the publisher on Friday. And she hasn't responded to all my queries yet. (Punches mouse-pad.)
Then tomorrow I have a Skype interview for a short-term government position (still as an editor). I like the idea of working in a office with other people for a couple of months instead of at home alone. And I know and like the woman who would be my supervisor. My husband has Skype on his computer but I have never used it and I usually even leave the room when he does -- I hate it. I look horrible on screen and I don't like people watching me. Why I feel different when it's through a camera than if they were just there in the room with me, I don't know.
And my husband is away tonight so he was trying to explain to me over the phone how to get it to work. Still having problems that I have to sort out by tomorrow! I might have to call a friend over tonight to help me. I'm definitely not tech savvy. So I'm stressed about that.
My foot still hurts whenever I walk. Maybe I should see a physio about it. Of course if I do get this job, suddenly all my plans to do stuff like that and go to the hairdresser and get the gate fixed and all that will be delayed.
My subconscious has decided that sugar is literally the devil. I dreamed last night that I was at a children's party where the hostess put out trays and bowls of lollies and chocolates for the parents, and I was hoeing in. And putting more in a party bag to take home (actually the "party bag" was an empty wine bottle, so there is more symbolism for you). Then it all segued into my being in a Satanist church (it was all Gothic and this stone image of Satan lunged at me which was scary) -- apparently I was there to bring them down from within, but I was rather concerned that my iPhone playing "Affirmation" would blow my cover. Anyway, the two parts of the dream seemed linked at the time. Sugar is evil!
I really am about to take my daughter to a birthday party this afternoon. But I will decline all offers of cake.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Putting it off until the perfect moment
Tuesday:
My exercise has been a bit inconsistent lately but for some reason I am fairly confident I can get that back on track. Yesterday afternoon I did an hour of Just Dance 4 and my husband joined me after a while. It was kind of funny in that it started off with me getting much higher scores (on dances that neither of us had done before) but as he warmed up and I got tired things changed. His score got closer, then on one dance he just beat me by a nose, then the next one by more, then finally by a lot. He has much better stamina than me, and my ability to follow new choreography goes sharply downhill when I run out of energy.
Anyway, I am not at all confident about my management of food. I was thinking today about when to start tightening control. Not right now, obviously. It is Jasmine's birthday tomorrow and so she got to choose the menu and activities for the day; French toast for breakfast, lunch at the food court and treats at a movie, lasagne for dinner with Vienetta ice cream for dessert. Her wish is my command. Then I can't start a diet straight after that because her party is on Saturday, with family staying for the weekend. I'll start after the weekend. In fact, the kids finally go back to school next Tuesday, so that would be a perfect day to stop eating junk and get into a routine.
Except that we have our regular D&D game and supper on Tuesdays.
If you let yourself think like that, there is always a great reason to delay taking control of your life. Valentine's Day in a fortnight, must eat chocolate! Then my sister-in-law's baby shower. Easter -- more compulsory chocolate! The Canberra Show. My cousin's wedding. Husband's birthday. There is something every couple of weeks, with regular Tuesday binges to fill in the gaps.
A friend (one of the D&D guys, who is quite fit and not overweight but who does binge in a major way on chocolate at Tuesday supper) is currently doing a low-carb diet in solidarity with his wife. I am not against low-carb diets per se, but their take on it seems quite odd to me. They are having very little fruit and vegetable, from what I can make out, and I think that is very unhealthy -- but I might be wrong about the vegetable, they might just have restricted choices. But more oddly, they have one "free" day a week when they eat as many carbs as they want. From all that I have read (and experienced) of low-carb, the first week or so is the worst as you fight through the withdrawal and cravings. So they are in a continual cycle of cravings, loading up on carbs just when they are nearly through the worst. I put this to my friend and he just said that it's just a short-term weight loss strategy, not a lifestyle change, and he is not trying to wean himself off carbs. This didn't seem to me to address the issue, but I let it go. That family has such different ideas about so many things, compared to my family, that I rarely understand their reasoning behind choices. If they are happy doing their diet, who am I to argue against it?
I had a dream the other night, or rather early in the morning after Aiden had crawled into our bed for a cuddle then left again. Bob, the trainer from the US version of Biggest Loser, was trying to put me on a really weird and restrictive diet that I cannot now remember the details of. He was eating something that looked like a sausage but was apparently made of baked beans (or it might have been one huge baked bean) with a chutney made of charred eggplant (I obviously got the eggplant chutney from the previous nights episode of MasterChef). He was very insistent that his way was the only way to lose weight. I was nearly in tears as I argued with him. I laid out for him my idea of what a healthy diet was:
A small amount of lean protein with each meal.
Unlimited vegetables.
Fruit for snacks.
2-3 serves of low-fat dairy a day.
Lots of water.
If only I could stick to that! I think I woke up before I talked Bob around to my way of thinking.
My exercise has been a bit inconsistent lately but for some reason I am fairly confident I can get that back on track. Yesterday afternoon I did an hour of Just Dance 4 and my husband joined me after a while. It was kind of funny in that it started off with me getting much higher scores (on dances that neither of us had done before) but as he warmed up and I got tired things changed. His score got closer, then on one dance he just beat me by a nose, then the next one by more, then finally by a lot. He has much better stamina than me, and my ability to follow new choreography goes sharply downhill when I run out of energy.
Anyway, I am not at all confident about my management of food. I was thinking today about when to start tightening control. Not right now, obviously. It is Jasmine's birthday tomorrow and so she got to choose the menu and activities for the day; French toast for breakfast, lunch at the food court and treats at a movie, lasagne for dinner with Vienetta ice cream for dessert. Her wish is my command. Then I can't start a diet straight after that because her party is on Saturday, with family staying for the weekend. I'll start after the weekend. In fact, the kids finally go back to school next Tuesday, so that would be a perfect day to stop eating junk and get into a routine.
Except that we have our regular D&D game and supper on Tuesdays.
If you let yourself think like that, there is always a great reason to delay taking control of your life. Valentine's Day in a fortnight, must eat chocolate! Then my sister-in-law's baby shower. Easter -- more compulsory chocolate! The Canberra Show. My cousin's wedding. Husband's birthday. There is something every couple of weeks, with regular Tuesday binges to fill in the gaps.
A friend (one of the D&D guys, who is quite fit and not overweight but who does binge in a major way on chocolate at Tuesday supper) is currently doing a low-carb diet in solidarity with his wife. I am not against low-carb diets per se, but their take on it seems quite odd to me. They are having very little fruit and vegetable, from what I can make out, and I think that is very unhealthy -- but I might be wrong about the vegetable, they might just have restricted choices. But more oddly, they have one "free" day a week when they eat as many carbs as they want. From all that I have read (and experienced) of low-carb, the first week or so is the worst as you fight through the withdrawal and cravings. So they are in a continual cycle of cravings, loading up on carbs just when they are nearly through the worst. I put this to my friend and he just said that it's just a short-term weight loss strategy, not a lifestyle change, and he is not trying to wean himself off carbs. This didn't seem to me to address the issue, but I let it go. That family has such different ideas about so many things, compared to my family, that I rarely understand their reasoning behind choices. If they are happy doing their diet, who am I to argue against it?
I had a dream the other night, or rather early in the morning after Aiden had crawled into our bed for a cuddle then left again. Bob, the trainer from the US version of Biggest Loser, was trying to put me on a really weird and restrictive diet that I cannot now remember the details of. He was eating something that looked like a sausage but was apparently made of baked beans (or it might have been one huge baked bean) with a chutney made of charred eggplant (I obviously got the eggplant chutney from the previous nights episode of MasterChef). He was very insistent that his way was the only way to lose weight. I was nearly in tears as I argued with him. I laid out for him my idea of what a healthy diet was:
A small amount of lean protein with each meal.
Unlimited vegetables.
Fruit for snacks.
2-3 serves of low-fat dairy a day.
Lots of water.
If only I could stick to that! I think I woke up before I talked Bob around to my way of thinking.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Half the weekend gone already
Saturday:I made it through BodyStep again today despite the water-Nazi instructor. Man, that is a hard class. I was thinking today about how it is the hardest thing I do on a regular basis -- just shows how easy my life is!
I had a disturbing dream last night where I had chosen assisted suicide (no idea why) and they were going to hang me but when they put the rope around my neck I cried out "I don't want to die" so they took it off again. But the weirdest thing was that what stressed me most was that I hadn't chosen to live so much as chosen not to die, if that makes sense. It had been a very negative and cowardly decision (not wanting to die) rather than a positive life-affirming decision (wanting to live). I wandered in and out of sleep for the rest of the night worrying about it.
As usual the Step class exhausted me so I didn't do much for the rest of the day. Now it's Saturday night and I feel like I have wasted half the weekend.
photo by stopherjones
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