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Monday:

It looks like I will start my new job on Wednesday if they can get the paperwork through on time. It's the same position as I did for my work experience so I should be able to jump right in, and hopefully less than 30 mins drive away. I'm still a little worried about it being full time, and I don't know my shifts yet, but I'm trying to focus on the happy and exciting aspects. I guess I'm nervous! I've got my useful notes together, and my 'work' mug for tea. I've used it for over 20 years, ever since someone gave it to me in a Secret Santa at work. I use a cup and saucer at home, but this mug is small and delicate so I like it. Amazing it's lasted so long.

I'll have to plan for extra cooking at dinner to have enough leftovers for lunch for everyone.

On Saturday I did some vigorous gardening, hefting bags of soil around and digging out entrenched recalcitrant weedy plants in preparation for putting in some new shrubs. After an hour of hard work I was gently spreading the soil around with the edge of the spade when bam! a horrible back spasm hit me and I nearly fell over. I've never had back issues before except for soreness from bad posture at a desk all day. This was like my whole lower back was clenched up. Painful. It's weird that it happened then, not when I was doing strenuous work, but I guess I was bending and twisting? I held myself up with the spade and waited but it didn't seem to be fading. After a few minutes Tim wandered outside so he helped me to the garden furniture so I could sit. The worst pain went after about 15 minutes but it is still a bit sore two days later after hot baths and massage and heat packs and pain killers. Sunday morning when I got out of bed it took me 5 mins just to shuffle to the bathroom. I probably need to strengthen my core - I've had non-existent stomach muscles since having kids.

I dropped to 15mg Duromine for a couple of days but started 30mg again today, although it probably wasn't the dosage's fault that I was stress eating! I weighed 72.1kg this morning, a gain of 0.1kg. I feel back on track today.

It's been about four weeks since I restarted my gym membership and I've been twice, less than an hour of exercise total. Partly due to having the flu, but mainly I just don't want to go. I'll try to get there tomorrow with my sister-in-law if my back is ok, for a gentle oldies class that has replaced Zumba (shakes fist in annoyance) but then I will cancel my membership. If I can't make myself go when I'm unemployed with all the time in the world, there is no way I'll manage it while working full time and still being a good parent (and taxi service for the kids!). But I need regular exercise, as my sore back is emphasising. Dance at home with the Xbox and walking in my lunch break maybe. I enjoy both those things.

Last weekend at family dinner there wasn't really enough roast meat to go around, this week everyone dropped out of coming over except my father-in-law so there are plenty of leftovers (you can't really divide up a leg of lamb before you cook it). I do wish I knew before about 3.30 in the afternoon how many people were coming for dinner! Some number between just the four of us and 19 people. Most often around 12. But at least it motivates us to clean the house every Sunday.

Personal Trainer

Thursday:

I had to cancel/postpone my second session with my personal trainer today because I am sick. I took a deal of 3 sessions with a PT for $50 when I joined the gym. The first session with ridiculously tall young man was a fitness check, he got me to do various exercises to see how many I could do and also took my pulse after things. I'm not sure what future sessions will involve. I haven't been doing great getting to the gym; twice a week and that includes the PT session and a 20 min walk on the treadmill. Need to do more classes. I have made it to a couple of Zumba.

My weight peaked at 74.8 kg, I've fought it back down to 74.3 kg. Not happy with it.

Aiden turned 12 on Saturday, he had a party at Underworld Laser (running round in the dark shooting at the other team) followed by a pool party back here with friends plus family. It all went well. We were lucky with the weather being reasonably warm on the day, it was a hot winter but has been a mostly cool spring.

I can't believe he is 12 and starting High School next year! Bought his books and uniform this week. He hasn't hit his growth spurt yet so all his friends are about twice his height. The school had to order shorts for him in a smaller size than they usually carry. He certainly doesn't look like a High School student. He got did an exam and got into the extension stream at the High School (classes for brainy kids) so he is obviously academically ready - except his hand writing - but his organisation skills aren't there yet.

I've started thinking about Christmas and bought quite a few presents yesterday.

Back at the gym

Tuesday:

Wow, I didn't realise it has been more than two weeks since I've posted. Is that the longest ever? Just keeping myself busy.

Jasmine had her first State Trial for acrogymnastics and did really well. Third overall (second in Balance, fourth in Dynamic) - through to the State Final in December! All the worries about her inexperienced new partner were needless.

I ummed and ahhed about joining the gym after my free trial, it seemed difficult for my fitness level and if I get a job I probably won't be able to go. But a week at home, bored and putting on weight, changed my mind! (74.0 kg yesterday) So I joined up on month-by-month basis. Yesterday I did a Body Pump class for the first time in years and it was fine (with very light weights) and today I did Zumba again - definitely my favourite. My legs are pretty sore!

I had the blood test and as expected I am not intolerant of gluten. If anything, I felt better while eating it! Maybe the extra fibre? I put on weight though.

I've been spreading out my last few Duromine, one every few days. I have one left. It will be a challenge keeping my eating under control, especially as exercise makes me hungrier. But I won't miss the dry mouth!

Zumba

Tuesday:

I weighed 72.5kg yesterday, same as last week. I have my blood test for gluten tomorrow, so this is my last bread day. Except I might have it for breakfast tomorrow before the blood test, so that will be a half-bread day. I don't intent to give up bread/carbs entirely but eating four slices a day for a month has been more of a trial that you would think. I don't think I react to gluten, but I have been feeling heavier and more sluggish than when I eat mainly unprocessed/lower carb foods.

Jasmine and I were sick yet again over the weekend. It was a weird one, on Friday afternoon my heart rate went up over 100 even though I was sitting quietly, and stayed up for a couple of hours. I could feel it racing, and I felt trembly and weak. I was a bit worried. I blamed it on Duromine, although it's never had that effect before. But the next morning Jasmine's heart rate was over 110, lying in bed, and like me could feel her heart racing. Her normal rate is very low because she is athletic and fit - around 55 I think? My normal is an unfit 80. (We both wear fitness trackers, which is how we know our heartrate.) For both of us the heartrate went down and the illness moved on to headaches and tiredness for a couple of days. Clearly a virus.

I was supposed to start work yesterday, but I emailed them on Thursday (again me contacting them, should have been the other way around!) and they had no news, they still want me if the freeze lifts but in the meantime I should keep looking for other work. Lucky I'm not desperate for work/money! Nothing much else around at the moment, except Library Assistant jobs (below my training, but I'd do it for the experience) who want people who can work evenings, which I can't. Or jobs right over the other side of Sydney, with an impractical amount of travel time.

On the weekend I signed up for a 5 day free pass at my local gym, and received the confirmation by email. I didn't go on Monday because I still felt a little unwell, and they called me to ask when I was coming in! Now that is proactive. I went today, to a Zumba class. It was exhausting but fun. I am very unfit. I used to do some Zumba many years ago, all the routines were different of course. I am good at picking up choreography though. My old gym went more hip-hop, which I didn't like, this one was all Bollywood and Latin which was great. The gym has all the usual Les Mills classes, Body Pump, Body Step etc.

I has poured rain pretty solidly for a couple of weeks (all school holidays) and the garden has loved it after a long dry spell. I think columbines look like little fairy dresses.

Boring gym

Monday:

My two week weigh in showed a loss of 0.3kg this week, down to 82.7kg. It's not much, and I could complain about how although I haven't been perfect I've still been a lot better than when not trying, but this is how it is. I have to stay a lot closer to the plan if I actually want to lose weight. It can seem unfair when some people can eat a lot more and still lose, but life isn't exactly fair and I have it pretty good overall. So, not complaining, just getting on with it.

My goal today was to not eat any off-plan foods (like chocolate). I still have some more evening to get through, but so far so good and feeling strong.

Back into full summer this week. Forecast for the next five days is for very hot, very hot, hot, hotter than Satan's armpit, cool. I had much less energy today. Just doing the grocery shopping in the morning wiped me out.

I did the next Headspace after lunch. I had just told Tim I don't know what the guy says because I always go to sleep (which I love!) so of course today I ended up staying wide awake. He doesn't actually say that much, there are lots of long restful silences where you are supposed to focus on your breathing.

Then I dragged myself to the gym. I really didn't want to go but I pushed myself out the door. I had this five day free pass and I was going to use it! Hot out there. First I had to find it. I knew it was in a semi-industrial shopping precinct (hardware stores and the like) so I drove round the car park, tried over the road in a different bit, back to the first bit, had basically given up and was heading home when I finally saw it above an electronics store that has just gone out of business. I climbed the stairs and found the door and told the receptionist I hadn't been there before but had this pass (waved the email vaguely in her direction). She brightly told me to sign in then pointed me through. Since there had been no offer of showing me around I gave myself a tour. A boring big room full of treadmills and bikes etc, an even bigger room full of the weights equipment and machines, an empty room for group classes. About three other people, one of whom was another middle aged women who came in the same time as me also to trial it.

The equipment all seemed in good wording order but definitely wasn't top of the line. No fancy hiking through New Zealand or anything like that, just tiny TV screens I couldn't hear because I didn't bring my headphones to plug in. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical and 5 on a rowing machine then was so bored I left. Oh, and did I mention the windows looked down on KFC and Dominos Pizza? A bit tempting for a tired hungry fat person. I had a hard time not thinking about fried chicken. So I can't really imagine going back. I could possibly try the gym attached to that lovely renovated pool complex we went to yesterday, although it's a bit further away. Or just walk and dance?

I got home and resisted the raspberry choc chip cupcakes Tim and the kids had just made, by making myself a cup of tea and leaving the room with it. I was quite hungry too! But I made dinner about an hour earlier than usual. Now I just have to get through the evening.

Cheesy broccoli omelette for breakfast, cauliflower soup for lunch (I bought the ingredients when it was still cool and rainy and then we didn't have it the day I planned, it was yummy if a bit odd for a hot day) and tacos for dinner - I had one shell and the rest as a sort of salad, the spiced meat mixed up with lettuce, tomato, grated cheese and jalapenos. It was really tasty, and without most of the carbs.

Aquaplan

Wednesday:

More packing. Up to box 90.

Short walk with Tim.

Last night I was looking at the local gym near our new place, getting exciting about all the group classes at a perfect time for me (9:30am, after I get the kids to school, is when I like to go), but then I started to get a bit worried about my ability to do group classes at the moment. My knee was sore for several hours yesterday after just getting up after kneeling on the floor. Can it take running and jumping and lunging?

I'm good at finding problems but I like to think I can also find solutions if it's actually something I'm motivated to do (not something I'm looking for excuses for). And I've decided if gym activities are too much for me at the moment I'll spend time in the local swimming pool instead. Everyone says exercise in water is very kind on joints. It will be summer here, so being in an (indoor, shady) pool is appealing. We actually want to get a pool at our new house but don't know yet how much that costs or how long it takes. And once I've strengthened the knee and my dodgy shoulders, then I can do more high-impact and weights.

Running up stairs

Wednesday:

Dad called last night and he is back home with new medication to add to his pill box, and keeping some food down. But he doesn't have results of the tests yet so we don't actually know what is wrong.

I got to the gym this morning and did 45 minutes at medium intensity on the elliptical then walked down/ran up the stairs five times for a total of 100 stairs. I made it to 10,000 steps by the end of the day. Three days in a row!

Tim was home sick today. He played computer games while I did my work. It was nice for Aiden that daddy was home, it meant he didn't have to accompany me to Jasmine's dance lesson and sit bored for an hour (he gets to play my iPhone). The studio is just far enough away that it's not worth driving home so we always stay. It's too cold to walk outside now at that time of the evening. I loved having pulled pork to come home to - and it's high carb day so I got to have a tortilla! Yummy.

Report card:
Diet: Good.
Exercise: Great.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good with compliance, but restless.
Mental health: Good.

Zumba!

Tuesday:

I started the day with a great breakfast.

Super lean bacon like that can't really compare to "real" bacon but neither does the calorie count! I got to eat 50 grams of bacon for only 70 calories.

I was a bit worried this morning about my twinging knee, my aching elbow and wrist, my return to sneezes and congestion; I wanted to shake my fist at the universe that doesn't want me to exercise! But after I'd been up a little while I felt fine. Better sleep last night, although it was my usual pattern of waking after a couple of hours and having to be very stern with myself to keep the CPAP on. Did it though. Five hours I think.

My plan was to go to the 10:30 Gymmy PT (Gymmy is my gym's mascot thing, I suppose it is a play on Jimmy) Lite session (for newbies) at the gym, maybe go a bit early and get some elliptical in first. But the internet was down so I ended up being there in time for the 9:30 Zumba session. I used to really like Zumba but the instructor started to take it in a direction I didn't like. She chose all the really aggressive crumping "I want to kill you and/or have sex with you" tracks (yes I don't understand how those two things can go together either). With hand weights. Today I decided to do the class anyway and it turned out there was a different instructor -- I'm hoping permanently not just today, I missed any announcements she might have made at the start -- and she did the kind of Zumba I like, Latin dance moves. They tend to repeat mainly the same tracks each week, changing over to new ones very slowly, so others in the class had likely done them all before several times. I dove in the deep end, luckily I am good at choreography. I got very tired though, the second half was not danced as it should have been danced! My feet refused to move at the appropriate speed. I got a bit of a shock the first time I checked my fitbit to find we were only 20 mins into the 60 min class... not nearly over yet! Heart rate up to 141.

After the class I was dripping sweat and red faced but I enjoyed it - I just would have enjoyed it more if it had been a 30 min class! I decided to try the PT session anyway, it was "only" another 30 mins and I was worried if I didn't do it now I would keep chickening out. There turned out to be only two of us wanting to do it, and the trainer said she was a qualified Personal Trainer but wasn't used to running this boot camp style class so she was just going to take us through a normal PT session. So I still don't know what the Gymmy PT class is actually like, but on the other hand I got a personal trainer almost to myself for half an hour so I'm not complaining! It was me and another woman who was a bit fitter than me but not so much that we couldn't do much the same things - she just held heavier weights. We did a standard sort of circuit with squats and bicep curls and wall push-ups and all that stuff. Not what I call fun, but it was good work out and very different to the Zumba cardio that I had just done. The only thing I couldn't do was sit-ups and she got me to do a different exercise where I was on my hands and knees and lifted alternate arm and leg and stretched them out while sucking in my stomach.

After the 30 minutes, two full circuits, the trainer said she was still available if we wanted more. The other lady said yes but I was totally spent! I was starting to feel a bit nauseated and just completely exhausted. So the trainer sent me off to do a 5 min cooldown on the bike (which I did very very slowly) then had my shower and ate my apple and went to do the grocery shopping (still slowly). I'm feeling a bit sore!

By the time I got home and had some lunch, there was only time to do a bit of reading before going out to pick up the kids. Pouring rain today (usually the kids walk home but they didn't take umbrellas today) and freezing cold. I really enjoyed some soup for my afternoon snack. Who would have thought cauliflower would make such nice soup? Yes, ok, the cream probably helps. I'm not too worried about a bit of cream in my soup after 100 minutes of intense exercise this morning! And for dinner I had barramundi (white fish) with salad and potato. I don't really like fish, I have it occasionally when I am feeling particularly virtuous. Salmon and barramundi are the least objectionable. Aiden quite likes it, but Tim and Jasmine refuse to eat it at all and I have to cook them something else!

With a couple of nibbles at my chocolate egg, I'm still under 1500 calories for the day. And I've drunk all my water for the day.

Report card:
Diet: Good.
Exercise: Fantastic!
Water: Great.
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Mostly good.

Novel critique

Wednesday:

I had a really good sleep last night, I'm getting used to the CPAP again.

After doing some office work, I went to the gym. Listened to Queen and hiked through 54 minutes of the USA (started in Yosemite but I think I teleported all over the place. Sierra Nevada? California? Are those all in different areas?). I didn't sprint but I felt pretty good. Solid sweaty workout.

Then almost immediately afterwards, walking down the stairs, I started to feel really trembly, shaky in the legs, and weird. This happens occasionally. I don't seem to have good control of my blood sugar levels sometimes, and this dates from well before I became pre-diabetic. Strenuous exercise and/or poor food management can bring on a little episode. At least I think it's caused by low blood sugar. Maybe it's low blood pressure. Or something else entirely? But eating seems to help.

Anyway I didn't have any food with me, I should take a banana to the gym just in case. I bought a packet of Doritos for quick carbs. Chocolate can be good too except the high fat means it takes longer to absorb. Fruit is better, if available, for an instant sugar hit. Came home and had a proper balanced lunch. Still feel pretty wobbly and sick for an hour after finishing my workout. I didn't even have a shower for a couple of hours, I didn't trust myself to stand up for so long on a potentially slippery floor. But eventually I was ok.

Then after taking Jasmine to dance class it was time for my novel critique group! I'd been through a similar process a couple of times for short stories but this was my novel, my magnum opus, my baby! It went well. The group said some very nice things but also pointed out plenty of areas that needed work. They were mostly in agreement with each other, which was helpful, and I nearly always agreed with them too. They were either things that had worried me all along or else things I accepted as soon as they were pointed out. So useful to have input from people a bit less emotionally involved than I am.

There were a couple of times I felt the reader had missed my point, or where different readers had different opinions, but overall it was great. I never felt personally attacked or got defensive, and I am now fizzing with ideas of things to work on. My writing guild has a lot of experience and many published and awarded authors, one of my readers is moderately famous (Russell Kirkpatrick, who has his own Wikipedia page). You'd normally have to pay a lot of money to get this kind of advice, all I have to do is read and critique their work in exchange.

Only problem there is little chance it will be ready in a month, which is when I am going to a social event full of people in the publishing industry. I was hoping to be able to have it polished and ready just in case someone said, "oh sure, email it to me" and I could bypass the swampy mire of the "slush pile" of unsolicited manuscripts. Well, you never know.

Report card:
Diet: Ok. I'm giving myself an ok despite the Doritos and a handful of hot chips (and no vegetables) with dinner. I ate healthy the rest of the day, including only a couple of grapes for supper at the critique even though the table was covered in yummy things.
Exercise: Great. Session at the gym and a total of 9,650 steps.
Water: Terrible. Worst day for ages. 4 glasses. Just got too stressed and busy in the afternoon and evening.
Sleep: Great. Lovely sleep.
Mental health: Great. Nervous and excited all day, but not distressed.

The Castle

Tuesday:

I got to the gym this morning and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. Did the grocery shopping. Went to a friend's house after school, reaching 10,000 steps on the way home. A few miscellaneous tasks, but no writing today. Tomorrow I get feedback from my writing group about my novel! Scary and exciting.

We've been thinking about moving to Sydney for years, it's where both Tim and I grew up and where most of our extended families still live. We travel back and forth a lot. I particularly wanted to be near mum when she got sick, obviously that ship has sailed but there are still reasons to move back there. The problem has been that Tim has a job that is fairly specific to our nation's capital; finding anything reasonably equivalent elsewhere is almost impossible so moving would probably mean a pay cut. But his job is very stressful so maybe taking a step back wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Well he hasn't found a new job in Sydney yet but he is far enough along in his thinking that he was looking for houses online the other day. And we found one that I kind of fell in love with. We haven't seen it in person and there is not a comprehensive group of pictures online, only six - and three of those are outside! But the more I look at it the more I want it, enough to try to arrange to go see it. The inside has everything we want. The real estate agent responded by saying they have had an offer, that we are welcome to top, and that they can't arrange a viewing at times convenient to us. Tricky that we live nearly four hours away. And Tim doesn't have a new job yet. Should probably wait and see what is available when we are ready.

But.

I want it.

Oh well, probably for the best. It has its faults, and probably a lot more that we don't even know about yet.

The thing is, it looks like a castle. It's on a small steep block, three stories tall and very square with actual crenulations around the top like a castle wall. Not everyone's cup of tea. But very definitely our cup of tea - a whole pot of tea!

Oh well. Maybe we can build our own castle.

Report card:
Diet: Great. Another afternoon tea visit where I ignored the unhealthy stuff and just had grapes. I'm looking forward to a bit of chocolate later this evening.
Exercise: Great. Sweaty hiking through virtual California, and 10,000 steps.
Water: Poor. Damn it! Can't ignore my water like that.
Sleep: Ok.
Mental health: Good.

Lots of movement

Wednesday:

Another poor sleep but overall feeling much better. I started the day by walking the kids to their school swimming carnival, we went out of our way to collect a school friend so it ended up being a 30 min round trip for me. After a short break at home (reading emails and blogs) I went to the gym. All much the same as it was there a couple of months ago.

I hiked through New Zealand on the elliptical. I did the whole program, 51 minutes, on level 8 which means up to level 12 on the steep hills. Lots of walking pace, a bit of jogging and some sprints. Had my music going and the first half was very enjoyable before I started to get tired. Pretty scenery.

My original plan was to do a bit of biking through France afterwards, but I was too exhausted after 51 minutes on the elliptical! So I just came home. Made myself a healthy lunch, put on the casserole for dinner because we are home late on Wednesdays (even though it is really much too hot for a casserole) and did a bit of writing.

Aiden and I have been going for walks two days a week when Jasmine has her dance classes. Today we were both really tired (my legs were aching from the elliptical) and it was another really hot day... But we still went for a walk. Just a shorter one than usual. Finishing the day on 14,000 steps.

Here is a snapshot of what I am eating at the moment.
Breakfast: four cruskits with cream cheese and tomato, cup of tea with splash of milk and half a tsp sugar. 199 cals
Morning snack after gym: grapes and epicure (sharp) cheese. 207 cals
Lunch: 100 grams cold rotisserie chicken breast with skin, 100 grams roast potato, whole cucumber, one carrot, half tomato, cup of tea. 385 cals
Afternoon snack: large pear. 121 cals
Unplanned extra afternoon snack: cruskits with butter and Vegemite (hungry today after all that exercise!) 223 cals
Dinner: pork casserole (with carrot, celery and onion). 421 cals
Total: 1556 calories. A little bit more than I was aiming for, my body isn't used to hard exercise yet and asked for extra fuel.

Update: and 2 squares of dark chocolate, another 100 cals

Report card:
Diet: Good. A few too many calories, but it was hunger not boredom. I burned more than I ate. I had some carb cravings.
Exercise: Excellent. My poor legs are aching.
Water: Great.
Sleep: Poor.
Mental health: Mixed. Got a bit upset when driving home tonight. When we brought flowers home from mum's funeral I didn't know who they were all from. Tonight Jasmine found a card in the back of the car that had fallen out of one arrangement and I hadn't seen it. It was from an old friend of mum's from my childhood that I hadn't been able to contact and I didn't know if she'd got the message about mum's death. Obviously she did. Which is a good thing, but still a bit upsetting thinking about it all. These moments creep up on me unexpectedly.

Strong day

Monday:

I only have a few days left of this first month of my six-month dietbet; I think my last possible weigh-in moment, considering the time zone difference, is first thing Saturday morning. And I will need every second before then to lose this weight. Unfortunately after the weekend my weight jumped up by a scary amount. Yes I had some bad food yesterday, but I also took 10,000 steps and I don't think I had enough to account for the gain. I believe a lot of this extra weight is due to it being nearly that time of the month and I am retaining a lot of water. Nothing I can do about the timing, I can only hope that the water-retaining will be over by the end of the week. No more salty pizza!

The parts I can do something about are my food intake and my exercise output. And I am doing my very best there. My plan is for a super-clean-eating week with very few starchy carbs, and lots of exercise. This morning I walked to the library (carrying a backpack full of books there, different books home again), a 6km round trip which meant that I then hit 10,000 steps shortly after lunch - which was a big salad with some lean lamb. And then I re-joined my gym for another 3 months, finding a good deal online for my preferred gym. It will take me through the whole of autumn. I will be pushing myself on the elliptical (hiking through New Zealand and California), the bikes (riding through France) and maybe the rowing machines (staring at whatever is on the TV on the wall or with my eyes closed, no fancy rowing machines unfortunately. I would love to row down the rivers of Europe or something!). I might do some classes, like BodyPump. I will still be walking with my son during my daughter's dance classes, and using the Kinect games at home on days I can't get to the gym or if I have the energy to do a little more. Burning off as many calories as I can.

In the afternoon I did 20 minutes of Fantasia. My feet were a bit sore from all the walking and I decided that was enough.

Update on my sleep. The night before, that is Saturday night, I couldn't get to sleep with my sweaty CPAP and gave up after about an hour and a half. But then last night I went to sleep no trouble with it on (exhausted after walking around the Show all day maybe?) and pulled it off around 4 am because I had a bit of a dry throat tickle, then went back to sleep. This morning I looked at my Fitbit stats and that whole period I had it on, a bit over 5 hours, I slept solidly and didn't move a muscle! My sleep graph never looks like that! It really shows, what I wasn't sure of, that a lot of my restlessness at night is due to my sleep apnoea. Ok, I am convinced. And today I have plenty of energy and also mental strength to stick to healthy food, which is just lovely. I hate wearing my CPAP, but I am nevertheless so grateful that I have it. And it is autumn now, cooler nights will make it much easier to wear.

Report card:
Diet: Excellent.
Exercise: Excellent.
Water: Good, still one to go.
Sleep: Great!
Mental Health: Good, feeling very strong.

I just need a few more days like today. Going to make that happen.

Yosemite

Tuesday:

I felt so much better today. It was easy to get myself to the gym! Feeling well and not tired makes such a big difference in motivation. I'm not sure why I felt so much better today. Yesterday I ate lots of carbs, which does help, and last night I had a sore throat so didn't even try to use my CPAP. Ironic to get a better night's sleep without it.

Anyhoo, I did 45 mins on the elliptical hiking through Yosemite which was very pretty (my least favourite so far was the Grand Canyon, lots of bare rock) then 15 mins on the bike riding through the French Alps. I increased the difficulty level to 8 on both machines which means up to 11 on the hills. I was absolutely dripping sweat by the end, and I could feel waves of heat coming off my head. Yet I was still outdone by a very fit looking heavily pregnant woman who was charging along on the elliptical when I got there and still going when I left. I'm not really comparing myself to other people though, I did well today. So nice to get home and into a cool shower.

I find the bike very challenging as it requires the use of muscles I don't seem to possess... but all the more reason to use it and get that core engaged.

My legs are totally aching now. Ouchy.

Exercising twice

Tuesday:

I've been waking much earlier than I need to just about every day since getting Thor, even after he was gone and I no longer needed to wake up to take him outside, even when it was still dark outside at that hour, even when I was exhausted and really needed more sleep. It has been very annoying. I've thought a few times about getting up early but up until now I've been trying to break the habit of waking, and sometimes I do get back to sleep. And by the way, I see no particular virtue in getting up early. Sleep is more important to me, and going to bed earlier in the evening would mean seeing my husband even less than I do now.

This morning I gave in and got up (after lying in bed for a while). Yesterday was horribly hot and it was still uncomfortable in the house even though there had been a cool change overnight. I went for a 30 minute walk in the lovely coolness. This is my street.

I don't really have any decent "exercise music" as my taste runs more to ballads and musical theatre (Glee!) so while I walked I downloaded an app called "Rock my Run" which has lots of music compilations of different lengths for exercising to. You can make a list of the ones that appeal. It seems to be very American so I had to skip past lots of rap and bands I've never heard of, but there was plenty to choose from even so. For my walk, I chose two 10 minute compilations; some 70s disco which was surprisingly fun to walk to and then some current pop, finishing with "All about that bass".

I got up a good sweat and the house felt very hot when I got home. After getting the kids off the school, I went to the gym. First time I've been back for a while. Since I'd already done some exercise, I just did 30 mins on the elliptical. I used Rock my Run again, and hiked through Californian forests. I had it on a difficulty level of 4 but it isn't steady - when hiking "uphill" the difficulty goes up to around 7. I was pretty tired by the end.

Then I had a shower and did the grocery shopping and came home exhausted and had lunch.

Have I griped about the showers at my gym before? Tiny little cubicles, nowhere to put your towel so it won't get wet, you have to stand right in the boiling/freezing stream of water to reach the handle to adjust it, no space at the tiny sink array to do hair and makeup (which doesn't bother me but it must be a real problem for the crowd of women who do an early session before work then have to get ready there), and they didn't even have soap dispensers until I asked for them to be installed a couple of years ago. I got sick of taking in my own soap. They agreed to do that, which was nice of them, but to my other comments they said that "it wasn't a boutique gym" and I suppose there isn't much they could do without major renovations. But it was very poor planning. This isn't a small cheap gym, it is a huge well-gleaming place spread over two floors. With the toilets on the ground floor permanently locked for some reason. Anyway, unless I am going straight somewhere else after my workout like today, I prefer to drive home all sweaty and shower there.

Aside from the stupid showers, it was a good day.

Core strength, or lack thereof

Tuesday:

I actually didn't resent getting out of bed this morning! Amazing.

I went to the gym to tackle those pesky New Zealand mountains again. I tried to go a little faster, a little harder. Overall much the same as yesterday. I did the second half of NZ (there are six segments for each area, I think, around 10 minutes each), including visiting a glacier and a lovely hike to a lake. My right foot hurt quite badly nearly the whole time on the elliptical yesterday, no idea why, it stopped hurting when I moved on; today it started hurting after about 15 mins but not as bad. So that is an improvement. Maybe the elliptical set up is a bit different to what I am used to.

Then I got back on the bike to finish my ride through the Champagne region. I was just thinking yesterday, on the bike, how none of the exercises I was doing were targeting my core and I probably needed to add something else. But I was wrong. Somehow I didn't feel it yesterday, but today when I got on the bike my stomach muscles protested in no uncertain fashion. Apparently still tired and sore from yesterday. No other pose triggers the discomfort, only the bike. But it was pretty uncomfortable! I only made 20 mins today before finishing with a short walk. Ow my core.

So I got my hour of exercise in again.

After school we walked to a friend's house for a play date. I didn't feel hay-fevery at any point, and I noticed that there was hardly any Capeweed left around. And/or maybe this third antihistamine is working for me. Either way, it was great not to feel awful just for going outside. I took my own portioned out afternoon snack as well as healthy stuff for everyone. And that little walk there and back was a bit of extra exercise so it was good all round.

At Jasmine's dance class she was invited to audition for the Junior Performance group. She is keen and we all love dance here, but it is a big commitment. As well as her jazz funk she would have to add ballet and a special performance class. Three afternoons a week instead of one! Lots of driving, lots of sitting around (especially boring for her little brother), lots of expense! Three eisteddfods next year and a few other performances to commit to. And I'm not that keen on ballet (I've seen their damaged feet), although Jasmine wants to try it. We haven't decided yet.

Tim had to work very late so Dungeons and Dragons was cancelled, so I didn't need to negotiate the food. I decided to still have my low-cal hot chocolate for supper. And YUCK! I had forgotten how nasty fake sugar is. Spit yuck pthew. I must have been desperate when I had it before a couple of times. One of those "diet" things you do when you are denying yourself real food. Now I think back, I'm pretty sure most of the last packet was thrown away. As an experiment, I tried mixing pure cocoa powder (chocolate) with hot water - no sugar or sugar substitutes at all. And the taste was much nicer. Would be a lot better in milk instead of water, but it has a pretty good chocolaty taste for 40 calories a cup (two teaspoons of cocoa).

Oh my legs are sore this evening. Those NZ mountains are killers.

Hiking in LoTR and cycling through Champagne

Monday:

I go to a very large gym that has two floors and several big rooms of equipment as well as the group classes rooms (there is also a pool complex and a women-only gym in the building) and I've been going to the only room with rowing machines. The equipment in there seemed pretty new, there were big screen TVs with captions, and I was happy with it. It always seemed fairly empty, but then so is the whole gym at the time of day I go.

Today I decided not to use the rowing machines due to the rubbing problem (I haven't got any BodyGlide or similar yet) so I went to a room closer to the lockers (and the toilets) that always seems a bit more popular. Now I know why! The equipment is awesome! It looks the same to a casual glance but the screens do so much more.

During my 30 minutes on the elliptical, I hiked through the rainforests and mountains of New Zealand. The screen showed me moving through the landscape. It was fun and very motivating. Got to get up that mountain to the view at the top! The rainforests were lush but the mountains rocky and barren. Looked like Lord of the Rings. There were plenty of other choices of hiking routes for next time.

Then I got on one of the upright bikes I don't hate quite as much as the leaning-forward spin kind, and cycled through the Champagne region of France. Through little towns and past vineyards. I planned to only do 15 or 20 minutes, depending on how much I hated it, and then finish with a walk on the treadmill; but it was so fascinating I kept going for the whole 30. The hills were fairly gentle but still hurt going up, but the down slopes made me want to go Wheeeeeeeee!

Also, at the end the machines tell you how much energy you've saved, in relation to how long it would power a lightbulb (not all that long, actually). I asked at reception if that energy from my pedalling was actually saved/used but the girl had no idea. She said she would find out.

I worked hard and ended with my usual tomato-red face so the program was motivating not distracting. This reminds me of those heady first days after I found the "Zombies, run!" app to make walking/jogging more interesting.

Yesterday my nutrition was pretty close to perfect. Right number of calories, fruit and vegetables, dairy, healthy fats. Eight drinks, which is great for me. The only way I know to reduce calories without missing out on essential nutrients is to cut carbohydrates, but I am still eating some. Fruit, yoghurt, potato. Avoiding anything processed. On track again today so far.

I can't be perfect every day, I certainly don't expect to be. And I want to have treat foods sometimes. One meal on Saturdays (not all day!) is my planned treat. That allows for eating out, or a party, or having dessert at home, or a favourite meal that isn't quite as healthy as I am eating the rest of the time. A few extra calories.

Tuesday night supper is an ongoing problem. This week I will offer vegetable sticks with dip, and I am buying myself low-calorie hot chocolate sachets. I don't usually have anything fake or with pretend sugar, but I have had this brand (Jarrah) before and like it, and a real hot chocolate with milk and sugar and maybe marshmallows is just too many calories! If I want a mini-treat on Tuesdays it needs be very mini indeed, because I am going to stay within my calorie limits and I don't have a lot of wriggle room. So it's probably a single square of dark chocolate, or sipping a low-cal hot chocolate.

I had a much better sleep last night and feel good today - even though yet again I didn't wear my CPAP for long. Shortly after I put it on we had a power blackout so I couldn't use it. When the power came back on I wore it for a while and did sleep, no idea for how long, before ripping it off again. Oh, and I dreamed I had these two tiny carrot sticks, about as big as my little finger, and it was mid afternoon but they were all the food I was allowed for the rest of the day and I had to check them out of the library and then they got covered in books and papers and I couldn't find my carrot sticks... diet anxiety? Still, feeling good today.

But I miss sugar in my tea.

The other day I put a sugar cube in my tea instead of a sachet, not realising it was 4.5 grams instead of the 3 grams I was used to. And it was so sweet and horrible! So I don't like extra sugar. But I like some. Trying to give it up. Going cold turkey.

Sweet sweet sugar.

Climbing the mountain

Monday:

I knew I wasn't going to lose weight this week. I hadn't quite anticipated gaining a whole kilogram. It is a strongly worded reminder that I can't eat whatever I like, even if I am exercising a bit. So I'm back to restricting my eating from today.

Restricting. Now there is a word. I have quite a vivid mental image about dieting. Me not dieting - I have big doors in the front of my body open to the world. Fresh air, bright streamers, freedom, all flow in and out of my body. It's a warm spring day with a light pleasant breeze. Me dieting - the doors are shut. I am cold and rigid and hunched over like the Tin Man without his oil can. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Gloomy.

Probably not the best frame of mind to bring to a diet. I need to work on that just as much as the actual eating.

I have a big motivation at the moment, one that speaks to vanity. I just realised my cousin's wedding is just under four weeks away. I have talked about my mother's family before. Aside from me and my mum, they are all very slender, tanned, athletic. My aunts in their 60s all still play competition tennis and look fabulous. I definitely feel like the ugly duckling amongst them. I'm the smart fat one. Now we are all adults I only see them at Christmas and the occasional wedding or other big event. And every time one of these occasions looms I feel despair about my weight. I even avoid going sometimes. I am not exaggerating when I say mum and I will likely be the only overweight women at this wedding. Actually, what with the cancer mum has lost a lot of weight so it will just be me.

Just thinking about it makes me feel depressed. I'm so short and dumpy, like a hippo in a giraffe colony.

Four weeks. How much can I lose in four weeks?

So I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I went to the gym. But I went! I started with 30 mins on the elliptical. I put the resistance up to 5 (up from 3 last week) and it was much harder. It felt like I was climbing a mountain. No speed intervals today, I just slogged on. With my eyes closed some of the time. Pushing, pushing. Not giving up. Not feeling very happy about it.

Then I got on the rowing machine and did my 20 mins there. I put that up to 5 as well, but it didn't feel much different to 3. I used to row on resistance 10 and I don't know that it feels much harder. But I'll move up gradually anyway. While rowing, I started trying to turn my point of view around. First I thought about changing my picture of me "not dieting" to being bloated and sickly and sad. But then I decided not to. I don't want to demonise any kind of food. I don't want to link having a treat with feeling horrible. So instead I worked on my image of me "dieting", changing it from the very negative deprived unhappy picture I had to something more positive. Here is what I came up with:

I am standing on the top of a mountain, which I have just climbed. It is sunny and fresh with a magnificent view of nature. I am pleasantly tired, but not exhausted because my fit healthy body can climb a mountain without feeling like I'm going to die. I feel happy and calm. I am a bit hungry, and there is a picnic laid out with delicious healthy food. The fresh fruit is especially appealing to my well-deserved thirst. There are no artificial restrictions on what I can or can't eat, because I will enjoy eating the right amount of healthy food to nourish and replenish my body.

So, that is what I am trying to picture when I think of myself being "on a diet". Not restricting, but nourishing and nurturing my body so it can do the things I want it to do.

I finished at the gym with 10 mins on the treadmill, not fast but on an incline. Another mountain to climb! But by this time I was feeling quite cheerful. And they had an old repeat of a sit-com on the nearest TV and it was quite funny. So I ended on a high.

Twenty kilometers an hour

Thursday:

I had a really good session at the gym this morning. As usual I woke up today feeling like rubbish - if I went by the first hour of every day I'd assume I was close to death with some horrible illness - but also as usual felt much better after a while.

I read a great quote today: Hold onto your dreams - stay asleep!

Anyway, I got to the gym and jumped on the elliptical. I increased the time to 30 mins but kept the resistance at level 3. After 5 mins warming up I started high intensity intervals, increasing intensity to as hard as I could push for 30-60 seconds then back to a much slower recovery interval. Mostly I was going up to 14 km/h but once I got up to 20 km/h (12.4 mi/h) for about 10 seconds. I thought I was going to vomit after that one! I can't run anywhere near that fast (I think 11 km/h is my record on a treadmill) but the elliptical is different to running. And no impact, which is great for my shins. Recovery was at a rather slow 5 to 6 km/h. At the end of the 30 mins I had gone 3.24 km. It's quite a long way below my target, which is fine because I'm giving myself a few weeks to get there! I plan to gradually increase the number of high intensity intervals and also go a bit faster in my recovery intervals, while also increasing the resistance level.

I was pretty tired after that, but got on the rowing machine. I had thought of doing 30 mins there, too, so I could cut out the stationary bike entirely; but I just wasn't ready for 30 mins. 20 was enough! I tried to keep my pace up, but also amused myself my watching a PT training his client nearby. One thing he did was put a wide band around her waist and got her to pull him along while he held on to the ends and leaned back. It looked hard. He probably weighed a lot more than she did.

I finished up with 10 minutes, fairly easy, on the bike.

I really felt like I spent a lot of that hour pushing myself really hard, which is great.

I had an awesomely delicious lunch. I picked up some corn chips on the way home and made nachos with pulled pork left over from dinner. Cheese and jalapenos and lots of fresh salsa on top.

Apart from the corn chips, all real food. And so yummy!

I haven't had the ravenous hunger I experienced on Monday, it seems to have been a one-off confused physical reaction to me actually exercising hard. I'm also not getting any muscle soreness or stiffness. On Monday I had both, almost straight away, but that has all passed. It didn't take my body very long to at adapt somewhat.

The only negative I'm getting from the exercise is general fatigue for the rest of the day. I'm spending more time napping than writing. But hopefully that too will pass as my body acclimatises.

I have lots of options for exercise tomorrow, but what I am thinking I might do is walk around the lake. It's all manicured lawns around public buildings, hopefully no Capeweed (which the kids and I now call Deathweed), and I feel like I am missing out on Spring stuck inside like this. I need a bit of sunshine and fresh air!

Setting goals

Tuesday:

I wasn't too sore when I woke this morning, the main pain was in my triceps (backs of my upper arms). I guess I don't use them much in daily life so the rowing machine was a bit of a shock for them.

Last week was like a taste of summer, but this week we are back to winter. Freezing and pouring rain. I dropped the kids at school and got to the gym quite early (and damp). I could have done some exercise then gone to the Zumba class but decided to just stay with the equipment. And when I was leaving I saw the end of the class and it was the same teacher I used to have. She does all the tracks I don't like, she prefers the hip hop aggressive type dances whereas I like the more Bollywood flowing type. So I'm not sure if I'll ever go back to her classes or not. Maybe when I get sick of the elliptical.

Taking the treadmill out of the equation meant 20 mins each on the elliptical, the rowing machine and the stationary bike. It seemed harder than yesterday. But I got through my hour. I also spent some time learning what the different buttons/programs do. And I like having goals, so I've set myself a goal for the elliptical (I already conquered the rowing machine in the past). Today I was moving at 6.6 km/h on level 3, my first goal is to do 4 km in 30 mins (8 km/h) on level 6. I will move the difficulty level up each week as well as increasing the time and my speed, so I expect it to take me a month. After that I'm sure I can find more goals to conquer.

I wasn't as hungry after the gym today but I did struggle a bit with negative feelings which I think is because of my blood glucose imbalance. I often feel depressed shortly after exercising hard. I felt better after eating. I made some bad food choices, I still need to do a lot of work on that.

Tomorrow is a rest day. I think my body will be grateful.

Off to the gym

Monday:

After a really bad night I got up feeling tired and bleergy and not at all in the mood for exercise. And my gym voucher hadn't come through yet. But I got into my gym clothes anyway, determined to at least do some dance. Then I got a test message that they had sent my voucher and sure enough it was now in my inbox. So I could go to the gym after all. And can I say I am quite proud of myself that I was going to exercise even feeling how I felt, and even if I couldn't use the gym?

After I woke up a bit and my antihistamine kicked in I started to feel much better. I got the kids off to school, first day of term four. I wasn't planning on shopping today but we were out of fruit so I dropped into the shops on the way to the gym and got lots. I was kind of uncomfortable walking into the shops in my gym gear. A bit body-hugging. But it was the most convenient time in the day for me today, while I was out anyway but not sweaty yet, so I did it. And it was a cool rainy day so I didn't have to worry about the fruit going bad in the car.

Then onwards to the gym to fill in the paperwork and get my access pass, and work out how to use my access pass to open a locker, and go to the bathroom, and then back to my locker because I forgot to get out my iPhone for music, then looking for the equipment I wanted because it's all been moved since I was last there etc etc.

There is at least one class every day at 9:30 but I was too late for today's, and anyway it was a core and abs class which I am not ready for - may never be ready for! So the plan was to do 15 mins each on four different cardio machines. 5 mins easy, 5 mins hard, 5 mins moderate on each one. Resistance level 3 where relevant. I wanted to balance pushing myself with keeping my unfit body injury-free.

I started on the elliptical. I followed the plan, starting slow then pushing harder in the middle 5 mins. Felt quite tired by the end, the backs of my legs were burning. Then I moved on to the rowing machine. Elliptical and rowing are my two favourite cardio machines. I think the rower is good for my dodgy shoulders, it uses the muscles without twisting the joints. Got through that ok, with sweat dripping off my chin. Definitely a workout.

Then a stationary bike. I can't use spin bikes because they push my weight forward onto my injured shoulders (apparently this isn't supposed to happen but I have no core strength to support myself and stop it happening). Recumbent bikes are ok, but today I got onto a non-recumbent one that had me sitting very upright not leaning forward so it was ideal for me. Still very hard. I was fatigued by this stage and didn't really attempt to increase intensity in the middle. I just slogged through.

Finally the treadmill. I walked briskly for 5 mins then did two short jogging intervals in the middle. And on the second one my shins started to hurt. This is after not running for at least a year (so they were well rested from any previous damage) and as warmed up as it was possible for me to be. So it seems no matter what I do, I am going to get shin pain when running. I've tried numerous times over the past few years on various surfaces. I just have to accept that (at this weight, at least), as much as I would like to be a runner, I can't do it without damaging my body and causing a lot of pain. It's ok, there are lots of other things I can do. It's just one thing. I probably won't bother with the treadmill at all, unless I use it for a quick warm up or cool down. The elliptical is more fun and no impact.

I felt pretty wiped out after an hour of exercise. And hungry! And sore. Ow, my legs. It's nice to feel good-sore and know you've worked hard. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow morning after I've stiffened up!

My plan is to go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I don't have the car on Wednesdays so can't go then, and I don't think I'll go Sundays. But I could go on Saturday morning while my kids have their swimming lesson there. I'll see how I feel come Saturday.

I had a banana when I got home but was still hungry so ate a big lunch even though it wasn't yet noon. I thought that was a better idea than snacking more before lunch. Then I had a short nap in front of the TV. Then finally got down to some writing. And a big afternoon tea. I basically had my whole day's calories before I even got to dinner. I hope the hunger is just a temporary reaction to exercise, I don't want to eat more extra calories than I burn off! And I assume it won't always exhaust me for the rest of the day. "They" say that exercise give you more energy!? My poor body is not used to exercise. This is all a bit of a shock to the system. I don't think I overdid it at all, I think I did just the right amount.

A good start.