Bell curve

Friday:

Two weeks ago we were told the pool should be finished over the following two weeks... guess what? No prizes for guessing correctly. Nothing yet. Except the final invoice arrived, to be paid on the day it's finished. I certainly won't be paying before then!

I heard bad-ish news from my TAFE, I was only doing two subjects face-to-face this semester and one of them has been cancelled due to low numbers so I have to do it online along with most of my other subjects which were being taught at times I couldn't get to class. Leaving me with only one face-to-face. As well as being better for learning, I like being there in person for the social aspect! I've made some friends, I get out of the house, I get to interact with adults. Do you know I've spent most of the past 15 years at home, mostly alone or with small children? I'm an introvert so I do like being alone, but not for 15 years. So I'm a bit sad I'll only have one day, one class, with real people.

I was checking online updates to TAFE when I found something curious. My score in the most difficult exam has been changed from 40/50 to 48.5/50! At first I thought a question must have been marked wrong originally but my friend Cathy said her mark has changed from 23 to 37! That is more than one question. I don't know how bell curves work but maybe the whole group struggled so much they changed the grading system?

I saw my exercise physiologist this week and she gave me a whole lot of new resistance exercises to add to my routine, I've been doing pretty well with the walking but not much else. And I saw the dietician again. Kind of pointless because I already have all the information, I know what I should be doing but I just don't do it. But we had a nice chat. I don't plan on seeing her again but I will see the physio in a month (I get 5 subsidised sessions in total, after that I have to pay).

My sleep has been really terrible. I've worn the CPAP again the past two nights (couldn't wear it for a week due to head cold and runny nose), once for four hours (actually asleep maybe half of that) last night kept it on for two hours without being able to get to sleep at all and gave up. I'll keep trying. It's frustrating lying there awake when the stupid thing is supposed to help me sleep. Well, actually it's supposed to keep me breathing while I sleep. I'm trying very hard to look at the machine in a positive way (when it's on), feeding me life-giving oxygen. Like I'm in a stasis pod on a space ship.

Being tired makes me hungry. It's the usual vicious cycle: I'll sleep better when I lose weight and I'll lose weight when I sleep better.

Friday afternoon - weekend time! No plans except the usual family gathering. Should get out in the sunshine again, I'm doing that more.

Being more mindful

Friday:

I woke in the early hours of this morning and tossed and turned, suddenly very frustrated with myself that I've been eating my emotions, not exercising at all, not even doing my physio all week. I said a couple of days ago that I didn't care about all that right now, and I didn't, but now I do! Time to forgive myself and move on. Right now I'm feeling a bit bewildered about having thought it was ok to neglect my health - how is that going to help anything? But I know it was quite a normal response to grief and stress especially for someone like myself who has a troubled relationship with food.

One thing that has helped me take a step forward is knowing when the funeral is, it means I can make plans and feel more in control. Also I finally got through to my brother and so I know he knows about dad's death and he knows when the funeral is too. Whether he gets there is up to him. That is two burdens lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

Of course I am still sad and stressed but I feel like I can cope now.

I had a physio appointment this morning, she was very nice about my not doing my homework all week and gave me a gentle relaxing massage. My shoulder has actually been pretty good all week because I haven't been using it much. My physio was concerned that the exercises were making it ache a bit (when I was doing them) so I'm going back to the first set of exercises she gave me and we'll see how that goes. I know the long drives to Shepparton and back, and sleeping in a hotel bed, are going to be painful. I have a massage appointment lined up for as soon as I get back.

Very busy productive day. Whatever happened to all my free time? It's been swallowed up by getting this house fixed up and preparing for my dad's funeral.

I've still struggled with food today but I've been more mindful and aware of what I'm doing. It's a start.