Quitter

Tuesday:

I have this 5K in three weeks. Less than three weeks now. I don't like running but was determined to do this one race (the other race I did was only 3.4K and I wanted to complete a real 5K). I didn't want to be as unready as I was for the Tower Race on Sunday. So this morning I went for a walk and then to the oval for a training run.

I went back to W1 D3 of C25K because I can barely run 60 seconds, let alone move up to 90 seconds. I did three intervals on sopping wet grass covered in clippings that got all over my legs, then halfway through the fourth intervals I just stopped running. I mean, why the hell was I doing this form of exercise that I dislike so much and that I am terrible at (and which seems to damage my body) when I could be actually having fun dancing -- smiling and enjoying it instead of slogging through misery?

Another consideration is that I recently found out that the Canberra String Festival is on the same weekend as the race, and Jasmine's violin performance is two hours before my race. Even assuming they are on time, it would still be a rush to eat something and get to my race.

So I walked home.

I looked up the race website and I can't get a refund, so I am still thinking about just walking it. I feel a bit sad and guilty about being such a quitter; my previous plan had been to run this 5K and then quit running forever. I'm feeling very torn. Why do something I hate when I can still get exercise doing something I like -- even love?

And now my ankle is hurting again.

Quitting Weight Watchers

Saturday:

I have been on the Weight Watchers program for five months now, and I wrote a post two months ago saying that I was going to stick with it even though my weight loss was so slow - slow is better than nothing, right? Well over the past week I have been rethinking that decision, and this morning I cancelled my membership.

My lowest weight was nearly two months ago, with a cumulative loss of 3.4 kg. A loss of around a kg a month was slow but still enough to keep me paying the $69 a month. But since then my weight has bounced up and down with no significant loss. This week, after some very indulgent eating, my weight went back up 2.1 kg (4.6 pounds) in 5 days. My total cumulative weight loss over five months with WW is now 1.2 kg.

I'm not blaming WW, I'm sure it works for many. I am the one who makes every decision about what I put in my mouth and how much I exercise. But clearly it is not helping me. It has not inspired me enough to lose weight.

So what is next? Well, I joined the gym last week and I am going to focus on exercise for a while. I need to improve my body fitness. Twice this week I have woken with a very sore upper back, I don't know why, and today I can hardly move my arms without wincing because it pulls on my back muscles. Obviously they are so out of shape that even turning over in my sleep can strain them. I want to feel healthier and sleep better. I don't want to wallow in junk food (like I did this week) but I do want to relax about what I can and can't eat.

All my weigh-ins will now be at home. Today I was 78 kg. I touched 75 kg twice in May and I still want to get back down to that as a first step. Maybe I should stop weighing myself every day. Dunno. But my plan is to exercise a lot. It is school holdiays now and very cold outside but I'll be dragging the kids along to the gym, creche when Gecko isn't on. Can't this weekend as I don't have the car, but hopefully it will warm up enough for us to go to the park and run around this afternoon. Maybe I can lose some weight without feeling deprived and miserable. And a failure.

Arg, I am still clearly focused on my weight. I need some NSVs (non-scale victories). Want to get fit.