When 2 minute noodles are the "good" option

Saturday:

I am giving myself so much credit for today, even though I was far from perfect.

Had a horrible night, up three times with Thor and ended up just before dawn with a puppy who wouldn't sleep except on my lap, I was unable to stop crying from exhaustion. I spent the morning cranky, miserable and nauseated, frequently in tears or close to them. I forced myself to eat my usual breakfast at around 10am although I didn't feel like eating. The kids had their swimming lesson while I stayed home with Thor and a broken internet access, then at lunchtime I didn't feel up to cooking my planned food so we had 2 minute noodles. Not a great choice, I know, just empty carbohydrate and salt, but it was that or send my husband out for fast food. And while deep-fried chicken and chips or pizza probably would have had more nutritional value, it also would have had a billion calories. I can't say for sure I made the right choice, but I am calling it a win. I resisted what I considered the worse (and more tempting) option.

Then I did the grocery shopping and bought lots of healthy food. I got some biscuits for family and visitors, but after a brief struggle I bought ones I hate so I wouldn't be tempted. What I did have was a mini bar of chocolate. I had scheduled in a couple of squares to have after dinner today so I just moved that up.

I could easily have said today "I am tired so I NEED junk food," or "I am unhappy so I DESERVE junk food." And then I would have been even more unhappy later. I don't need or deserve what is literally junk.

Tim and the kids made raspberry banana muffins in the afternoon, I didn't have any. Tim offered to make dinner, delicious risotto. My day was very high carb low protein but I was so glad I didn't have to cook. And I finished the day only a few calories over.

I think I negotiated the rapids pretty well, with only a few minor bruises. So many times in the past I went straight to large amounts of unhealthy food to get through a hard day. It's nice to end hard day without an added burden of guilt and shame.

Tonight we are changing our system with Thor, to what you might call controlled crying. It could be worse for a couple of nights, but hopefully better after that. Can't go on like this. Wish me luck.

Tears at the gym

Monday:

I was feeling pretty sad last night about the failure of my weight-loss efforts (and eating take-away probably wasn't a positive move) but this morning was much worse.

It it a public holiday today so I got to sleep in a bit (that wasn't the bad part); Aiden woke us early but then we all went back to sleep. But eventually I got up and weighed myself, as I do every day. 79.5 kg. So as of today, I have lost 100 g since I started exercising about 12 weeks ago. About 1/4 of a pound. I know my food choices are still pretty iffy, but I have been exercising quite a lot. Hours in the gym. 12 weeks of effort for nothing.

Weight lost: NIL
Improved fitness and extra energy: NIL
Sleeping better: NIL

I feel like a total failure, and I'm wondering why I bother to make the effort for no result. I guess the only positive result is that I didn't gain any more weight. Doesn't seem like enough. But never fear, I intend to persevere. Not with any enthusiasm, but with a kind of dogged misery. Having another try at sticking to the CSIRO diet. Continuing to exercise.

I was fighting back tears all morning. A friend called to arrange a meeting and I wanted to yell "Leave me alone," at him. When I was leaving for the gym, my husband said "Have fun." I wanted to scream at him: "Is that some kind of joke?" Like I go to the gym for fun? Just thinking about it makes me want to break something.

I managed to not cry when I couldn't find one of my gym shoes for a couple of minutes. I managed not to cry when the car park was full due to the public holiday and I had to circle round and round to find a spot. I didn't cry when the parking situation and going to the toilet before my class meant I was a bit late and missed half the warm up. But when we got to the tricep track and the intructor explained the moves and I learned that instead of not being able to do half of them (due to my shoulder) I wouldn't be able to do any of them... well...

I tried. I tried to hold back the tears. I tried to gently twist my shoulder back so I could do tricep presses. I had to leave the room. I went into the little reading room and closed the door and cried. Luckily there were tissues. I just felt so helpless and worthless.

I had my cry and went and washed my face then braved the group exercise room to grab my water bottle and pack up my weights. I had missed the bicep track as well and they were on to lunges and after that there would be shoulder work and ab work and all the other stuff I can't do, so there was no question of me staying.

I got changed without showering as I hadn't sweated much in my 20 mins and I just couldn't be bothered, and went and did the grocery shopping. It was really soothing to be able to do that without the kids for once. They are great kids, but it is still easier alone. I feel quite a lot better now, but still not happy.

Tim and the kids weren't here when I got home, I think they have gone out for a bike ride. We had planned a family one for this afternoon -- it is a sunny day for once and I want to finally start riding my bike -- so I hope they will still want to go out again. I will not let myself get worked up about them going without me when I don't know the story yet.