Friday:
I grew up very close to my mum's side of the family, some lived in the same street and all of us had Sunday dinner at Grandma's every week. I was the oldest girl. I moved cities around 15 years ago so I've gradually met up with them less and less, now it's every second Christmas plus weddings.
In those fifteen years I've put on a lot of weight. And they haven't. I have three aunts in their 60s who could all star in an infomercial about the latest abdominal toning equipment or miracle face cream. My cousins (male and female) are all toned and tanned and slender and athletic. They play sport and watch sport and coach sport and at least one has done some modelling. My mum and I are the only overweight ones.
They are lovely people. They have never done anything to make me feel bad, not deliberately. But in contrast to them I feel short and fat and dumpy and inadequate.
No other group makes me feel like this. My husband's family are all shapes and sizes and I feel very comfortable with them. I am probably the fattest of my friends, but that doesn't bother me. But I am growing to dread every second Christmas. About six months before I generally go into a bit of a diet panic. Six months is long enough to make a difference. Then the months pass and I haven't lost any weight and I feel worse and worse and more desperate.
One of my younger cousins has just got engaged. She's having an engagement party in a month, and I felt like we should go even though I was never close to her, she is nearly 20 years younger than me and she was only little when I moved away. Her big sister is my favourite cousin. But I was dreading it so much that I was lying awake for ages last night agonising about it. Thinking I'd have to get something new to wear but no matter what I bought I would still look dumpy. Not fitting in with the beautiful people partying on a rooftop in the middle of the city. Feeling awkward and clumsy and FAT.
I said earlier in the week that I'd had a bad dream and started the day off badly. At the time, I didn't connect the dream to this. I do now. In the dream I was at my grandma's place with all my cousins and I was being ostracized by everyone. I would try to play with them and they'd slip away and I'd look out the window and they'd all be outside. So I'd go outside and they would leave again. My identical twin sister (who in reality died when we were babies, but she was alive in my dream) was standing up for me a bit, but it was obvious she was just tolerating me to be nice. My grandma was being horrible too.
Nothing like that ever happened in real life! As one of the oldest children I was the leader of the girls. I was the one inventing the games, with the younger ones following me around. And, as I said, they are all lovely people. When I woke up I was sad and upset but I didn't think it meant anything. But I guess that is how I feel inside about my relationship with them now. Despite their best efforts to include me, I feel excluded and just not good enough.
After stressing about it half the night, I told my cousin this morning we couldn't go to her party. So now I just have Christmas to worry about. It makes me think crazy things like "maybe if I only eat vegetables and nothing else between now and then ..." and I know that is stupid so I just want to give up on trying to lose weight altogether.
I have lots of reasons to want to lose weight. This isn't a good one because it doesn't motivate me in a good way. It just makes me feel depressed and desperate and a failure. I've sort of worked through my feelings, last night and today, and I'm ok but completely exhausted.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
View from the hill
Thursday:
Two really good writing sessions the past two mornings. Both times I went to the National Arboretum. The trees are all still pretty small but at least they have Spring-green leaves on them now, and the view from the café, on top of a hill, down to the lake with the mountains behind is just beautiful. Very inspiring.
I've invested quite a few hours over the past couple of days organising our holiday over the Christmas break; hotels and flights etc. We're going to Surfer's Paradise which is a beautiful beach-side city in sunny Queensland. It is also the theme-park capital of Australia so we'll be going to Sea World and maybe Movie World. We tried one of the water parks last time but it was mainly huge water slides and rides much too scary for me and the little kids. Tim went on a couple, the queue for one must have taken about an hour! But Sea World is awesome, dolphin shows and baby polar bears and an amazing aquarium and pirate ships where you squirt the other ships with water canons as you sail around and lots of rides suitable for smaller children.
Holidays yay! Still a couple of months away though.
Two really good writing sessions the past two mornings. Both times I went to the National Arboretum. The trees are all still pretty small but at least they have Spring-green leaves on them now, and the view from the café, on top of a hill, down to the lake with the mountains behind is just beautiful. Very inspiring.
I've invested quite a few hours over the past couple of days organising our holiday over the Christmas break; hotels and flights etc. We're going to Surfer's Paradise which is a beautiful beach-side city in sunny Queensland. It is also the theme-park capital of Australia so we'll be going to Sea World and maybe Movie World. We tried one of the water parks last time but it was mainly huge water slides and rides much too scary for me and the little kids. Tim went on a couple, the queue for one must have taken about an hour! But Sea World is awesome, dolphin shows and baby polar bears and an amazing aquarium and pirate ships where you squirt the other ships with water canons as you sail around and lots of rides suitable for smaller children.
Holidays yay! Still a couple of months away though.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Comfort breakfast
Wednesday:
I woke this morning after a sad and upsetting dream that I found really hard to shake off. So I ate the wrong kind of breakfast. And felt worse. "Comfort food", stop pretending you will make me feel better. You are not really comforting at all! A big hug from a real person works much better.
I woke this morning after a sad and upsetting dream that I found really hard to shake off. So I ate the wrong kind of breakfast. And felt worse. "Comfort food", stop pretending you will make me feel better. You are not really comforting at all! A big hug from a real person works much better.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Dungeons and dragons
Sunday:
Having a quiet weekend home with the family. We decided to introduce the kids to Dungeons and Dragons. We don't let them play violent computer games but they watch us play some (nothing too bad) and they're allowed to play games designed for kids, some fighting but no actual blood. The younger child is about to turn seven. D&D, if you don't know, is a game of the imagination. One person, the DM or "Dungeon Master" (me, in this case) creates an adventure and the other players create characters and decide what to do. You have certain skills and you roll dice to add a luck component to actions. [So for instance, to see if you could balance on a narrow bridge over a ravine, you would add your dexterity to your training in acrobatics and roll a 20 sided dice to add a random element. If the total number is high enough ("high enough" determined by the DM) you walk over successfully, not quite high enough means you stand still wheeling your arms for balance and can have another try on your next turn, a lot too low and you fall into the ravine.]
I made a short adventure where they had to rescue some people from kobolds (little lizard people). It involved fighting, but nothing too scary or adult in theme. It's good maths practice for them, lots of adding and subtracting.
They loved it! We played for about four hours on Saturday afternoon, and they wanted to play again today so I worked out another little adventure and we played for another couple of hours, this time not finishing the story yet. Tim and I play every Tuesday night with some friends and have done for years, it is a great game. A campaign, or long adventure, can go on for years. I've heard some Christian groups object to D&D because it has supernatural elements, but most people play as heroes, defeating the forces of evil, so I don't see how anyone can object to that. It's like getting to be a superhero.
The only bad thing about D&D is that it is nearly always accompanied by junk food!
Having a quiet weekend home with the family. We decided to introduce the kids to Dungeons and Dragons. We don't let them play violent computer games but they watch us play some (nothing too bad) and they're allowed to play games designed for kids, some fighting but no actual blood. The younger child is about to turn seven. D&D, if you don't know, is a game of the imagination. One person, the DM or "Dungeon Master" (me, in this case) creates an adventure and the other players create characters and decide what to do. You have certain skills and you roll dice to add a luck component to actions. [So for instance, to see if you could balance on a narrow bridge over a ravine, you would add your dexterity to your training in acrobatics and roll a 20 sided dice to add a random element. If the total number is high enough ("high enough" determined by the DM) you walk over successfully, not quite high enough means you stand still wheeling your arms for balance and can have another try on your next turn, a lot too low and you fall into the ravine.]
I made a short adventure where they had to rescue some people from kobolds (little lizard people). It involved fighting, but nothing too scary or adult in theme. It's good maths practice for them, lots of adding and subtracting.
They loved it! We played for about four hours on Saturday afternoon, and they wanted to play again today so I worked out another little adventure and we played for another couple of hours, this time not finishing the story yet. Tim and I play every Tuesday night with some friends and have done for years, it is a great game. A campaign, or long adventure, can go on for years. I've heard some Christian groups object to D&D because it has supernatural elements, but most people play as heroes, defeating the forces of evil, so I don't see how anyone can object to that. It's like getting to be a superhero.
The only bad thing about D&D is that it is nearly always accompanied by junk food!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
The Novel
Friday:
I've mentioned before that I've taken some time away from paid work to write a novel. It's something I've always wanted to do and planned to do but never made time for. I've made a few starts before but never got past a chapter or two - I'd say that 10,000 words is the most I've ever written on one project.
I started this novel at the beginning of July and gave myself until the end of the year, six months, to show it was something that I could commit to and make decent progress on. I hoped to have a first draft written by then. I can only type for a couple of hours a day, with my RSI, but it still seemed do-able.
I am making some great progress, much better than ever before. I am about to hit 25,000 words. But that is not where I'd planned to be by this point! Nearly four months have passed, I should have written twice that much or more. But I write nothing during school holidays, or all those weeks when I was sick, or if I am busy ... some days I have to choose between writing and exercise. And on days when I do write, it's generally for one hour not two. I'm still not managing my time well enough to fit in all the things I want to do in a day.
BUT.
I'm still very excited to have got this far! 25,000 words seems awesome to me. That's a quarter of a book, more or less. I'm definitely pushing on with this. I am going to get this done.
I've mentioned before that I've taken some time away from paid work to write a novel. It's something I've always wanted to do and planned to do but never made time for. I've made a few starts before but never got past a chapter or two - I'd say that 10,000 words is the most I've ever written on one project.
I started this novel at the beginning of July and gave myself until the end of the year, six months, to show it was something that I could commit to and make decent progress on. I hoped to have a first draft written by then. I can only type for a couple of hours a day, with my RSI, but it still seemed do-able.
I am making some great progress, much better than ever before. I am about to hit 25,000 words. But that is not where I'd planned to be by this point! Nearly four months have passed, I should have written twice that much or more. But I write nothing during school holidays, or all those weeks when I was sick, or if I am busy ... some days I have to choose between writing and exercise. And on days when I do write, it's generally for one hour not two. I'm still not managing my time well enough to fit in all the things I want to do in a day.
BUT.
I'm still very excited to have got this far! 25,000 words seems awesome to me. That's a quarter of a book, more or less. I'm definitely pushing on with this. I am going to get this done.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Roar
Wednesday:
At supper last night I ate more than anyone trying to lose weight should, but still not a great deal by my own standards. I felt a bit nauseated quite quickly, so maybe my body still wasn't used to junk. I made people take away leftovers. I didn't sleep as well as I have been and still felt a bit yuck in the morning. I think my face has been a bit puffy, too, these past few days. Gluten? Could be anything.
Had a good, productive day; writing in the morning, doing some reading for a short story comp I'm judging over lunchtime, then some exercise. I'd planned to do some more Just Dance 2014 and I'd left myself plenty of time. But then I realised I had to put on the casserole for dinner so I did that. Then I spent about half an hour trying to download a free song (Katy Perry's Roar) on the Xbox and it kept freezing and rejecting and being annoying. I eventually gave up and didn't feel like dancing anymore so I switched to PowerUp Heroes. All that kicking and punching and blasting magic missiles might make me a bit sore tomorrow, it's a very different sort of movement. I can feel it in my upper back muscles. Near the time I had to stop to shower and go pick up the kids, the Xbox informed me that the song had finished downloading! I switched back and did that and a couple of other songs on "On Stage" mode which was fun - the focus is more on singing with easier movements. All up I only got in about half an hour of exercise today. Still felt like a good day.
(image from PowerUp Heroes)
At supper last night I ate more than anyone trying to lose weight should, but still not a great deal by my own standards. I felt a bit nauseated quite quickly, so maybe my body still wasn't used to junk. I made people take away leftovers. I didn't sleep as well as I have been and still felt a bit yuck in the morning. I think my face has been a bit puffy, too, these past few days. Gluten? Could be anything.
Had a good, productive day; writing in the morning, doing some reading for a short story comp I'm judging over lunchtime, then some exercise. I'd planned to do some more Just Dance 2014 and I'd left myself plenty of time. But then I realised I had to put on the casserole for dinner so I did that. Then I spent about half an hour trying to download a free song (Katy Perry's Roar) on the Xbox and it kept freezing and rejecting and being annoying. I eventually gave up and didn't feel like dancing anymore so I switched to PowerUp Heroes. All that kicking and punching and blasting magic missiles might make me a bit sore tomorrow, it's a very different sort of movement. I can feel it in my upper back muscles. Near the time I had to stop to shower and go pick up the kids, the Xbox informed me that the song had finished downloading! I switched back and did that and a couple of other songs on "On Stage" mode which was fun - the focus is more on singing with easier movements. All up I only got in about half an hour of exercise today. Still felt like a good day.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Back to normal
Monday:
Still feeling happy and healthy. Did about 45 mins dance yesterday and a bit over an hour today. I've very much enjoyed eating foods that were not allowed on the Whole30, like cheese! Mmmm, cheese. And potato. I'm trying to still eat sensibly and not overdo it with the carbs, but we did have pizza for lunch yesterday.
I forgot to say that I weighed myself Saturday morning, before "going off" Whole30, and I weighed a bit over 80 kg, so I'd lost about half a kg (1 pound) in that week. I admit I'd expected a bit more for such an extreme dietary change, but then I was eating huge amounts of meat and fat instead of the grains etc - I certainly wasn't reducing calories!
Good day today, fit in both exercise and writing. Still haven't done my tax though - here in Australia our financial year is 1 July to 30 June, and tax is due in by 31 Oct, so I've got a couple of weeks. In the olden days I used to have my tax in within days of 30 June. But now I'm self-employed it is a bit more of a hassle and I put it off.
Still feeling happy and healthy. Did about 45 mins dance yesterday and a bit over an hour today. I've very much enjoyed eating foods that were not allowed on the Whole30, like cheese! Mmmm, cheese. And potato. I'm trying to still eat sensibly and not overdo it with the carbs, but we did have pizza for lunch yesterday.
I forgot to say that I weighed myself Saturday morning, before "going off" Whole30, and I weighed a bit over 80 kg, so I'd lost about half a kg (1 pound) in that week. I admit I'd expected a bit more for such an extreme dietary change, but then I was eating huge amounts of meat and fat instead of the grains etc - I certainly wasn't reducing calories!
Good day today, fit in both exercise and writing. Still haven't done my tax though - here in Australia our financial year is 1 July to 30 June, and tax is due in by 31 Oct, so I've got a couple of weeks. In the olden days I used to have my tax in within days of 30 June. But now I'm self-employed it is a bit more of a hassle and I put it off.
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