Monday:
I finally have my appointment tomorrow to get my sleep study results. I doubt they have called me in for a 1 hour appointment to say "you don't have sleep apnoea", but you never know. I shouldn't self-diagnose.
Although...
I first went to my GP maybe four years ago, to say I was tired all the time and was that normal? My children were sleeping through the night, my shoulder pain was reduced enough that it wasn't keeping me awake, I wasn't under stress. She sent me for a blood test and said apart from slightly low Vitamin D (for which I went on tablets) there wasn't anything wrong with me. She didn't pursue it any further. I figured I was just tired because I was overweight and didn't exercise much.
Things escalated a few months ago when the tiredness got much worse and I could no longer cope. So I did some internet research and looked for a solution more aggressively. I happened to see a different doctor which may have made a difference too, she was keen to explore a few different options.
If it turns out I have sleep apnoea, then I may have had it for years and it's just got worse. Maybe I didn't need to be tired every day for the past few years. That would make me kind of angry. If I can get up the energy.
Oh well, we'll see.
Not doing so well on the healthy eating front. Too tired to cook dinner tonight and ordered pizza. At least I went for a walk this morning, but I somehow think it didn't make up for all those extra calories.
I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams, everyone.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I love you this much
Monday:
Yesterday the kids were getting their raincoats on to go for a walk in the rain and tromp through puddles. My daughter came into the kitchen and I saw a big cockroach climbing up her raincoat (which had been hanging in the laundry, unworn, for many months) towards her face.
I am nearly as scared of cockroaches as I am of spiders. All our bugs (and arachnids, of course) are very large here, and they are creepy even when not venomous. And cockroaches have wings too, even though they do seem to prefer to scuttle than fly.
I like to think I would have done exactly the same thing even if it was a big hairy venomous spider. With only half a second hesitation, I stepped forward, brushed it sharply off with the side of my hand (took two tries) and stomped on it. Was left a bit trembly with my heart racing, but proud of my bravery.
That is how much I love my little girl.
Yesterday the kids were getting their raincoats on to go for a walk in the rain and tromp through puddles. My daughter came into the kitchen and I saw a big cockroach climbing up her raincoat (which had been hanging in the laundry, unworn, for many months) towards her face.
I am nearly as scared of cockroaches as I am of spiders. All our bugs (and arachnids, of course) are very large here, and they are creepy even when not venomous. And cockroaches have wings too, even though they do seem to prefer to scuttle than fly.
I like to think I would have done exactly the same thing even if it was a big hairy venomous spider. With only half a second hesitation, I stepped forward, brushed it sharply off with the side of my hand (took two tries) and stomped on it. Was left a bit trembly with my heart racing, but proud of my bravery.
That is how much I love my little girl.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Update on writing
Wednesday:
Since I agonised about giving up uni and going back to writing, I thought I'd give an update on how that was working out for me.
Really well, actually. It did take me quite a few days to get back into the groove; reading over what I had already written, getting into the character's heads, working out some stuff I'd been putting off like place names. But I've started the writing part again and the last couple of days in particular my fingers have been flying over the keys and I've resented having to drag myself away.
Like today I had my hair cut again, it had been getting a bit long and unruly - short hair needs more trimming than long hair. It is now much shorter than the original cut, very boyish. It's ok, I am dealing with it. It will grow quickly. And I'm pretty sure I'll like it more once I wash it and style it myself instead of the smooth cap the hairdresser left me with.
I was right in the middle of a battle scene when I had to leave the house and I spent the whole time at the hairdresser thinking about what was going to happen next. Oh, except the bits when I was reading trashy magazines.
I don't mind the occasional trashy magazine, but it gets a bit boring because I just don't know who most of these people are. I've heard of Jennifer Anniston (worried about her neck wrinkles) and Kim Kardashian (competing with her sisters about who has the best booty) but most of the pictures of "celebrities" could have been random people off the street for all I knew. Half of them criticised as being too fat (omg look at that cellulite), the other half for being too thin (anorexia!). Or for getting wrinkly, or for getting surgery so they didn't look wrinkly. Or for sleeping with too many people. Odd, I don't think anyone was criticised for not sleeping with enough people. Some were apparently sleeping with the wrong people. Some nice clothes though.
Since I agonised about giving up uni and going back to writing, I thought I'd give an update on how that was working out for me.
Really well, actually. It did take me quite a few days to get back into the groove; reading over what I had already written, getting into the character's heads, working out some stuff I'd been putting off like place names. But I've started the writing part again and the last couple of days in particular my fingers have been flying over the keys and I've resented having to drag myself away.
Like today I had my hair cut again, it had been getting a bit long and unruly - short hair needs more trimming than long hair. It is now much shorter than the original cut, very boyish. It's ok, I am dealing with it. It will grow quickly. And I'm pretty sure I'll like it more once I wash it and style it myself instead of the smooth cap the hairdresser left me with.
I was right in the middle of a battle scene when I had to leave the house and I spent the whole time at the hairdresser thinking about what was going to happen next. Oh, except the bits when I was reading trashy magazines.
I don't mind the occasional trashy magazine, but it gets a bit boring because I just don't know who most of these people are. I've heard of Jennifer Anniston (worried about her neck wrinkles) and Kim Kardashian (competing with her sisters about who has the best booty) but most of the pictures of "celebrities" could have been random people off the street for all I knew. Half of them criticised as being too fat (omg look at that cellulite), the other half for being too thin (anorexia!). Or for getting wrinkly, or for getting surgery so they didn't look wrinkly. Or for sleeping with too many people. Odd, I don't think anyone was criticised for not sleeping with enough people. Some were apparently sleeping with the wrong people. Some nice clothes though.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Chase the Stars
Sunday:
We spent all day Saturday preparing for that night's cocktail party to celebrate Tim's birthday. Lots of house-cleaning. By the time the party started we were both already exhausted! But then the party got going and it was great. So much fun. Cocktails and Singstar (karaoke) and dance games. A room full of friends. Well worth all the work.
The last people left at around 1:30 which is pretty late for me these days! I lay in bed for a long time unable to sleep due to the pain in my feet, so tired from standing all day and evening (and dancing). Also my RSI flared up a bit, especially in my right hand, maybe from squeezing lemons and limes? Anyway, I had a terrible night sleep and was almost glad to get up in the morning and start the task of tidying up the kitchen, and then I went out for a walk before anyone else (other than the kids) was up.
This weekend was the first instalment of Chase the Stars - sorry I'm too tired to work out how to do a link - 10 weekends over the year when people around the world are doing 5k walk/jog/runs, organised by Kyra. I walked around the neighbourhood but only ended up doing 3.5k in 50 minutes - pretty slow! I was just exhausted and my feet were starting to hurt again. Maybe I should have had breakfast first as well. So I didn't complete the 5k but I think I did quite well considering.
I got back home to a clean house, my husband had done the second half, and had breakfast with family who had stayed the night then I pretty much collapsed for the rest of the day. I know you are thinking I drank too much Saturday night! But actually I only had three cocktails over more than five hours. I was just overworked and underslept. I had a short nap and sat around the rest of the day staring into space. It was worth it though, we had a great time at the party.
One bad thing did happen. When I was getting dressed for the party, I found that what I wanted to wear didn't fit me any more! A bit distressing. I can't start expanding out of my "fat clothes"! Back to the grindstone tomorrow.
Edit: I wasn't sure whether to award myself the medal or not. I didn't go the whole 5k. But in the end I decided to give myself one, the littlest version. I did get out there and walk 3.5k despite being unfit and tired and with various aching bits. I participated, even if I didn't finish! This is my start, and there are nine to go to improve in.
We spent all day Saturday preparing for that night's cocktail party to celebrate Tim's birthday. Lots of house-cleaning. By the time the party started we were both already exhausted! But then the party got going and it was great. So much fun. Cocktails and Singstar (karaoke) and dance games. A room full of friends. Well worth all the work.
The last people left at around 1:30 which is pretty late for me these days! I lay in bed for a long time unable to sleep due to the pain in my feet, so tired from standing all day and evening (and dancing). Also my RSI flared up a bit, especially in my right hand, maybe from squeezing lemons and limes? Anyway, I had a terrible night sleep and was almost glad to get up in the morning and start the task of tidying up the kitchen, and then I went out for a walk before anyone else (other than the kids) was up.
This weekend was the first instalment of Chase the Stars - sorry I'm too tired to work out how to do a link - 10 weekends over the year when people around the world are doing 5k walk/jog/runs, organised by Kyra. I walked around the neighbourhood but only ended up doing 3.5k in 50 minutes - pretty slow! I was just exhausted and my feet were starting to hurt again. Maybe I should have had breakfast first as well. So I didn't complete the 5k but I think I did quite well considering.
I got back home to a clean house, my husband had done the second half, and had breakfast with family who had stayed the night then I pretty much collapsed for the rest of the day. I know you are thinking I drank too much Saturday night! But actually I only had three cocktails over more than five hours. I was just overworked and underslept. I had a short nap and sat around the rest of the day staring into space. It was worth it though, we had a great time at the party.
One bad thing did happen. When I was getting dressed for the party, I found that what I wanted to wear didn't fit me any more! A bit distressing. I can't start expanding out of my "fat clothes"! Back to the grindstone tomorrow.
Edit: I wasn't sure whether to award myself the medal or not. I didn't go the whole 5k. But in the end I decided to give myself one, the littlest version. I did get out there and walk 3.5k despite being unfit and tired and with various aching bits. I participated, even if I didn't finish! This is my start, and there are nine to go to improve in.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Preparing for a party
Thursday:
When I am having a good day, like today, I get a bit embarrassed about what I write when I am having a bad day. But I think it would be counterproductive to go on about some kind of shame spiral where feeling better makes me feel bad, so I'll just say thanks for the messages of support!
I am feeling a bit better because - I assume - I've had a couple of nights of decent sleep. I am rather confused about how poor a judge I am of how good my sleep was. Last night in particular I would have assessed my sleep as being terrible, tossing and turning all night with lots of awake time. Yet I am not so tired today. Other nights I've thought I slept ok I've been much tireder the next day. So I'm obviously no judge.
Back when I saw that doctor at the university, she had three suggestions. Firstly that I have the sleep study, which I hope to get the results for very soon. Second to have a blood test for thyroid function, which I have had done and they should have been sent to the doctor by now but I am waiting for the sleep study so I only have to go to the doctor once to discuss results. And thirdly she suggested I get a nasal spray just in case something in my sinuses is contributing. I finally got the nasal spray on Tuesday. As I said, I felt like I had poor sleep that night and terrible sleep last night. Yet I am not as tired as I have been so maybe it is helping after all. But why do I feel like I am lying awake all night? And last night I got up five times to go to the toilet! Five times! Nothing to do with my bladder, it's just since I was lying awake anyway any little need to go was hard to ignore.
It is my husband Tim's birthday tomorrow! He has got the day off but the kids we be at school so we get to spend a day together. And then on Saturday night we are having a cocktail party, and some of his family are coming which means houseguests all weekend. I've been spending quite a lot of time this week planning (which I really enjoy) and shopping (not quite so much). Because we are nerds - ie people who aren't embarrassed to have childish fun - there will quite likely be Singstar and Just Dance games. Even before we get into the cocktails! Yay for a party weekend!
When I am having a good day, like today, I get a bit embarrassed about what I write when I am having a bad day. But I think it would be counterproductive to go on about some kind of shame spiral where feeling better makes me feel bad, so I'll just say thanks for the messages of support!
I am feeling a bit better because - I assume - I've had a couple of nights of decent sleep. I am rather confused about how poor a judge I am of how good my sleep was. Last night in particular I would have assessed my sleep as being terrible, tossing and turning all night with lots of awake time. Yet I am not so tired today. Other nights I've thought I slept ok I've been much tireder the next day. So I'm obviously no judge.
Back when I saw that doctor at the university, she had three suggestions. Firstly that I have the sleep study, which I hope to get the results for very soon. Second to have a blood test for thyroid function, which I have had done and they should have been sent to the doctor by now but I am waiting for the sleep study so I only have to go to the doctor once to discuss results. And thirdly she suggested I get a nasal spray just in case something in my sinuses is contributing. I finally got the nasal spray on Tuesday. As I said, I felt like I had poor sleep that night and terrible sleep last night. Yet I am not as tired as I have been so maybe it is helping after all. But why do I feel like I am lying awake all night? And last night I got up five times to go to the toilet! Five times! Nothing to do with my bladder, it's just since I was lying awake anyway any little need to go was hard to ignore.
It is my husband Tim's birthday tomorrow! He has got the day off but the kids we be at school so we get to spend a day together. And then on Saturday night we are having a cocktail party, and some of his family are coming which means houseguests all weekend. I've been spending quite a lot of time this week planning (which I really enjoy) and shopping (not quite so much). Because we are nerds - ie people who aren't embarrassed to have childish fun - there will quite likely be Singstar and Just Dance games. Even before we get into the cocktails! Yay for a party weekend!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Everyone else has big news.
Wednesday:
Last night at my Dungeons and Dragons game everyone else had big news. One is pregnant (or rather his wife is) and he has a new job. Another is about to do major renovations on his house which will basically double its size so they can have big parties. The final two members are a couple, one has just got a new job (in Sydney - where we want to go!) so they will be moving away in a couple of months. We are the only ones nothing exciting is happening to.
I don't even have cute stories from Uni to tell any more. Nothing to contribute.
Arg, I'll try not to be so morose and negative.
Last night at my Dungeons and Dragons game everyone else had big news. One is pregnant (or rather his wife is) and he has a new job. Another is about to do major renovations on his house which will basically double its size so they can have big parties. The final two members are a couple, one has just got a new job (in Sydney - where we want to go!) so they will be moving away in a couple of months. We are the only ones nothing exciting is happening to.
I don't even have cute stories from Uni to tell any more. Nothing to contribute.
Arg, I'll try not to be so morose and negative.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tired and sad
Tuesday:
I am really struggling with life at the moment. Months of not enough sleep are taking their toll. It's probably been going on longer than that, but in the last few months it's become critical. I think I am now mildly depressed. I've had real, deep depression just after my first child was born, ten months of PND, so I know what that is like and this isn't nearly that bad. But I have a constant mild sadness, inability to cope, lack of energy. Hard to separate tiredness from any other possible problems. But either way, tiredness is at the root of it.
I'd told the doctor and the sleep doctor that I haven't been aware of stopping breathing, which is the actual primary symptom of sleep apnoea. Night before last I did it, woke suddenly taking a big breath. And I realised I have been doing it occasionally for a while. I just (oddly) hadn't connected it to sleep apnoea. I think because I was expecting to feel like I was choking or something. But this feels like I've just forgotten to breathe.
I don't want it to be sleep apnoea. I don't want to wear one of those CPAP masks and try to sleep with it on. But on the other hand, imagine getting a good night's sleep. Imagine not being tired all the time, falling asleep during the day, waking often at night, headaches, irritability, depression, forgetting things. At least if I get some kind of diagnosis maybe they can help me. I should get the results soon, maybe by the end of this week.
My weight yesterday was 82.2kg. Going back up.
I am really struggling with life at the moment. Months of not enough sleep are taking their toll. It's probably been going on longer than that, but in the last few months it's become critical. I think I am now mildly depressed. I've had real, deep depression just after my first child was born, ten months of PND, so I know what that is like and this isn't nearly that bad. But I have a constant mild sadness, inability to cope, lack of energy. Hard to separate tiredness from any other possible problems. But either way, tiredness is at the root of it.
I'd told the doctor and the sleep doctor that I haven't been aware of stopping breathing, which is the actual primary symptom of sleep apnoea. Night before last I did it, woke suddenly taking a big breath. And I realised I have been doing it occasionally for a while. I just (oddly) hadn't connected it to sleep apnoea. I think because I was expecting to feel like I was choking or something. But this feels like I've just forgotten to breathe.
I don't want it to be sleep apnoea. I don't want to wear one of those CPAP masks and try to sleep with it on. But on the other hand, imagine getting a good night's sleep. Imagine not being tired all the time, falling asleep during the day, waking often at night, headaches, irritability, depression, forgetting things. At least if I get some kind of diagnosis maybe they can help me. I should get the results soon, maybe by the end of this week.
My weight yesterday was 82.2kg. Going back up.
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