Sweat

Monday:

I weigh 72.9 kg this morning, so that is a loss of 2 kg this week. Excellent. Some of that is water weight, I would be delighted with 1 kg a week from now on. Also, my waist has shrunk 3 cm to 94 cm which is very exciting. I am an apple shape with a big belly and would love to get back to the hourglass I used to be. I don't mind curves in the right places!

School library volunteer day today. The new librarian/teacher was there, Mr Jones (Harry?), he asked if I was ok and just left me to it. It only took me 45 mins today to return the morning influx of books on the computer and to the shelves. Getting quicker. 

I walked there and back so that was a bit of exercise too. My doctor asked if I exercise enough to sweat and I had to laugh. I can sweat sitting quietly at a desk, it's not a very good indication of exertion level! But yesterday after vigorous dancing I pulled the elastic out of my ponytail and squeegeed a splatter of sweat out of my hair!

Last time I had a significant hair cut Ping commented that my hair was getting really long. What?? I just had it CUT! This time, it was Jo who said that my hair was growing really fast, wasn't it. Um, what? I just went from longish to shoulder length? They clearly see that something is different with my hair, but for some reason go in the wrong direction. I guess because when it's longer I pull the top part back always, but when it's shorter it's more styled around my face and you can see more hair? I just seems weird to me and I don't know how to respond to the comments.

Haircut

Tuesday:

Who invented the photograph? Horrible things! I'll think I look ok, pretty good actually, rocking an outfit, the mirror is being kind, but then I take a couple of selfies and... oh. Damn.

Here is me in my new dress a couple of Sundays ago. Not the best lighting.

I took some photos yesterday of me 'dressed up' to work in the school library, but I'm not very happy with them. I look fatter than I felt, and having my hair pulled back like that is not kind to my face. But I'll post one here anyway.

I decided that a haircut was in order. I had been growing it longer but it wasn't working for me. I had a cut this morning. I like the hair, but my face looks tired and jowly and old...

Oh well, I wasn't wearing any makeup apart from mascara (that makes eyelashes darker, for you non-makeup types) and I am 47! And tired. I need a photo with a thick layer of foundation to cover up the dark circles under my eyes!

I know that a) I've never been photogenic at any age and b) I'm no good at taking photos either! But I feel like I should have some record of what I look like at this time. So just be aware that actually I look much better than that. :)

Neighbours

Monday:

Dramas with the unfinished pool continue. We're waiting for the team who do the interior surface to recover from illness and catch up on their backlog, no idea how long that will take. That was supposed be the last thing directly related to the pool itself (not the landscaping) but...

Today I got an official letter saying there had been a complaint from a neighbour about the pool's heat pump, saying it might be a noise nuisance and do we have approval for it.  !!  First of all, the f*cking thing has never been turned on so how can they complain about the noise already? It supposed to be the quietest available, a brand new model, but to be honest I have no idea how noisy it will be. But neither do they. The neighbour was not named, but I assume it is the one the heat pump is nearest - also the only neighbour we actually know. It is not near their house, it is up the back of the property. On the other side of the fence is their pool. Over the back fence is also a pool, if it was those neighbours. I mean, WTF?

Oh, and if it was either of those neighbours (and who else could it be) there are a few things we could complain about if we were the type. But I have no intention of getting into escalating neighbour wars.

And secondly, what "approval"? I have spoken to the pool company, who are following it up for me, and they said they have never had to get approval or had any problems before. I can't find anything on the internet with a quick search about having to get approval for it. But there is probably a local council rule somewhere. Oh boy. What fun.

Of course the tiled area next to the pool is still "almost finished" as it has been for weeks. Every week the tiler promises "by the end of the week". I swear I didn't have this much trouble with tradesmen in Canberra. I think our tiler got behind due to illness and is now juggling a lot of jobs and we are just low on his list of priorities. It's all very disappointing.

In hopefully good news, I got my job application in for that part-time library assistant job. Applications don't close for another week so I won't know for a while if I got an interview.  Who wouldn't want me, right? But I haven't done a job application for a long time, I'm a bit out of practice. Both the people I asked were happy to be my referees.

I'm more used to my change in hairstyle, it's ok. Very pale blonde though so my dark blonde roots are going to be very obvious! And my sister-in-law was here for dinner and said something about my hair getting so long when I'd just had a dramatic (I thought) amount cut off! But usually I have it pulled back and now it's out around my face.

I have sleep apnoea, diagnosed three years ago, and I was compliant with my CPAP at first but really dislike it so haven't used it consistently for ages. It's important because it keeps me breathing at night, but I just can't sleep with it on. Today I had a consultation with a specialist dentist about getting a mouthguard made that holds my jaw forward which is supposed to help keep the airway open. I don't know though, it cost about $1200 and no guarantee it works. Like most of my other health issues, my sleep apnoea would probably be resolved by me losing weight. Wish that was as easy as it is to say.

My hips have been bothering me a lot, on and off. I'm seeing an exercise physiologist tomorrow. I wonder if she'll tell me to lose weight too. Good advice, really.

To end on a happy note, next weekend I'll be taking my daughter on a visit back to Canberra to a friend's party. Tim has taken her a couple of times but I didn't go, I haven't been back since we moved. This time I'm taking her and have lined up a few favourite people and places. Should be fun. But very cold! It's nearly mid-winter here and Canberra in the mountains is much colder than Sydney on the coast.

Speed cut

Wednesday:

Today I got past a tricky spot in my writing. I'd made so many changes to earlier chapters and characters that one scene no longer made any sense as I'd originally written it, but I wasn't sure how to make it work. It's taken a whole week of thinking and staring at the screen and pondering. But I think I've got it now. All done. Except someone who was supposed to die in that scene now doesn't, and I'm not sure what is going to happen to him!

Not much else today. I took Aiden for a haircut after school, told the hairdresser how I wanted it to look, Jasmine and I settled with our electronic devices in the waiting area, a couple of minutes later it was done. Jasmine says she checked the time and it was literally two minutes. I have never seen such a quick haircut, but it looks good! She used clippers at the back, as usual, (number 4, not very short) but trimmed around the front and top with scissors so it's not like she just had to buzz all over. Maybe just very experienced hairdresser? They are the same place that saved Jasmine's hair when it was a tangled mess, I am very impressed with them so far.

Cooties

Monday:

I weighed myself this morning and was very surprised to see 84.1kg. I rechecked and got 84.3kg twice in a row so I'll go with that. That's a kg less than last week! I have been trying to eat less junk food but I've by no means been a paragon of healthiness so I was expecting to be about the same. Could be just a fluctuation, but it's nice to think I've lost a little through eating a bit better than I was.

We're having an ongoing problem with Jasmine's hair which I wasn't going to mention but it's just getting frustrating! When she had the big knot cut out, the hairdresser found head lice. I hadn't seen any in all my hours of brushing, and she didn't see any the first day of detangling, so they must have all been in the knot. Anyway, the hairdresser treated her hair and gave me the stuff to use a week later to get any that were hatched since then. But two days later Jas said her head was itchy and sure enough there were still head lice. I used the stuff the hairdresser gave me and did all the combing and washing her sheets and pillow and clothes (again). No one else in the family seemed to have head lice, although just thinking about it makes us all feel itchy! Two days later, itchy head, more lice. Maybe that brand of stuff wasn't working well, we bought another brand I'd used in the past. Re-did her hair, linen etc. Two days later, this morning, itchy head. Checked again, MORE head lice! Little tiny ones, presumably newly hatched. Arg! Did the whole routine for the fourth time is less than a week. Maybe she's picking it up from one of her friends? Or is her hair so fine the combs (two different ones, one metal one plastic) aren't getting the eggs out? We've never had a problem like this before. I checked her again when she got home from school and she seems to be louse-free now, fingers crossed!

Planning

Tuesday:

Quick hair update, another hour of work by the hairdresser (actually three clustered around her at one point!) and Jasmine's hair is smooth and knot-free, and shoulder length. And properly washed. So everyone concerned is very happy. And that salon has won a family of customers for as long as we live here. I'll have to put a nice review on their website, they took so much care.

What did I do today? Not a lot. It was another scorcher. We had a big stack of advertising catalogues put in our mailbox and I went through them looking for Christmas present ideas. We have barely thought about Christmas yet, so busy with moving. But it's time to get on with that! Need ideas for everyone including myself, and keep a few ideas in reserve because Tim's dad will ring on Christmas Eve from the shops to ask what we all want! Things for the house are high on the list for me this year, and I always appreciate books and CDs. The kids are always easy, but thinking of something for Tim will be the hardest.

I am also hosting lunch for Tim's side of the family, and taking dessert to my grandad's for dinner (it will be so strange and sad for everyone without my mum or Aunty Bev there for the first time - and Aunty Bev usually did most of the cooking work). I have started going through cookbooks and magazines for ideas. I will be cooking a turkey at lunch, and everyone contributes, but I'd love to find some new things to make. I do usually make gingerbread reindeer. And we have a tradition stolen from the cooking show Masterchef where a key ingredient is nominated and everyone makes a dish using that, and then we vote for the best. Some years that has meant a lot of similar things which hasn't worked well, and last year most people didn't bother. But it seems to be up and running again with the ingredient of lime which is very versatile and can be used for savoury or sweet dishes or even drinks. I think the very first year was the best when we used lemon. Actually the tradition started the year before that when we didn't co-ordinate dessert very well and had about five trifles. For those not of English backgrounds, trifle is a dessert made of layers of cake soaked in alcohol, cream, jelly (jello) and fruit. I don't like it much, so that wasn't a good year for me! Tim's mother was English, and his whole family loves trifle. Anyway, I need to start thinking about a lime showstopper!

More about hair

Monday:

Ironically, I slept really poorly in my own bed at home. Partly because I was too hot even with no covers, partly because Tim was snoring a bit, but mostly because I was worried about Jasmine's hair. If you're not, and never have been, an almost-teenage girl this will probably seem silly. But she really didn't want to have it cut, especially not a dramatically short pixie cut. And after hours of trying to detangle it every afternoon and evening last week, I had made little progress on the big matted clump of hair. It had seemed hopeful at first as I combed out the knots around the main tangle, but once I got to that fist-sized lump of felt the progress stopped. I was literally easing out one hair at a time, and often those snapped leaving a damaged frizz that probably wasn't salvageable anyway. Did you know you have approximately 90,000 hairs in your head (100,000 follicles, not all in use at one time)? I calculated it would take me nearly three years at that rate, and that was assuming it wasn't re-tangling each day. Which I think it was.

I lay awake from before 4am worrying and deciding what to do, and then felt sick all day like I was betraying my daughter by making a hairdresser appointment. I didn't tell her until after school because I didn't want to spoil her whole day. Or was it wrong to not give her much time to prepare mentally? We had already discussed the possibility, but hadn't got to the point of that decision. And guess how I dealt with the stress. The same as I always do, with food. I really don't have a handle on this emotional eating business.

Having a dramatic haircut isn't a big deal, I know, I've had them. But it's a big deal to her.

I read recently that when a toddler screams over nothing much as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to them, it probably IS! Having a toy they want taken away is literally the worst thing that has happened in their short loved lives. I guess I can be grateful that having a short hair cut is one of the worst things that has ever happened to my daughter. Very grateful.

So she was very sad about having to go and probably get her head practically shaved at the back, but we went, and the lovely hairdresser spent an hour working on it (sometimes with a helper) and has asked us to come back for another hour tomorrow, the result of which is that Jasmine will end up with shoulder-length hair instead of (what I expected) a short pixie cut. She cut into the knot a lot so the hair is thinner, and cut off half the length as it was so damaged. But we're both very happy with that. Jasmine is very willing to go through another hour of having her hair pulled if that is the end result. Yay! Sorry for such a long post about my daughter's hair.

Third time lucky

Tuesday:

I went to the RTA again today with all my fingers and toes crossed. Third time lucky, I only had to wait about half an hour and then my form and documents were all complete and correct. There was a bit of an issue, for some reason the RTA's computer couldn't find me on the Births Deaths and Marriages computer to confirm my (original) marriage certificate. But after about ten minutes of trying and pen-twirling, the staff called another lady over and then it worked straight away. Doesn't that always happen when you get your supervisor or IT help desk or plumber or whatever looking over your shoulder. I swear it didn't work a moment ago! Anyway, I walked out with a NSW driver licence and that is what I've been trying for the past couple of weeks so I was happy. And the photo was better than the last one, too.

Spent more time after school and in the evening working on Jasmine's hair. I think I am making some progress, but it is slow going. A lot of hair ends up in the comb, but the section of smooth tangle-free hair is slowly growing. Still less than a quarter.

I went for a short walk this morning, my first morning walk since last Tuesday. Which means I got bin day again! Walking past all those lovely fragrant garbage bins. Oh well. If I do it more regularly, it won't always be bin day.

The great hair disaster

re Monday:

Jasmine has been brushing her own hair for a few years now (she's nearly 12), it is very long but she loves her hair and seemed to take good care of it. She has it in a ponytail or a plait all the time nowadays, she used to always wear it loose. The last couple of months I'd noticed it seemed messier than usual and I'd tell her to go and brush it, but was too distracted by moving house to pay much attention. Only in the last couple of days did I realise it was very tangled indeed, and she'd been actively hiding the fact from me (she is a physical coward and avoids anything that might hurt, like me brushing knots out of her hair). Last night I held her still and investigated. It was so much worse than I had imagined. The whole back of her head is a matted lump almost like felt. It's not obvious because there is a comb-over of smooth hair over the top, but as soon as you touch it you can feel this ball of tightly tangled hair. She blames her new brush - which was supposed to be "de-tangling"! I guess she'd just been avoiding the problem hoping it would go away as it got worse and worse. And I felt like the worst mother in the universe to not pick up on it before now.

I was scared at first that it was unsalvageable, that she would literally have to get the back of her head shaved and just have short hair around her face until it grew back. This would devastate her, she loves her long hair. But we sat and watched Biggest Loser and I spent an hour gently working on it with a variety of brushes and combs, and some olive oil to help it slip. I tried to remain upbeat and positive with her, and it did gradually untangle at the edges. In that hour I would say I fixed way less than a quarter of the felting. But at least it's a start. An hour every night for a week might get us there without her losing all her hair - only the hundreds of strands coming out on the brush.

I feel so horribly horribly guilty that I didn't notice.

I think it is very typical of her to ignore problems, avoid pain or discomfort, hope any source of trouble will just go away without her mentioning it or taking any action, go along with whatever is easiest. A bit worrying for her upcoming teenage years.

Bad hair day ... and contract exchange

Thursday:

Tomorrow is the last day of term 3, and I realised this morning that meant I wouldn't have any time to myself for the next two weeks. So I booked in a haircut. They had a spot free at lunchtime which I went to, but I've never seen it so busy there. Often it's just me, or a couple of other clients, when I go during the week. But today it was packed. Maybe 'cause lunchtime?

My usual hairdresser had actually left so I got a new girl. I told her what I wanted, had my massage (which was lovely) then my hair was washed (lovely) then they put a conditioning treatment on my hair and wrapped my head in a hot wet towel for 10 minutes, while I reclined still in the hair-washing chair. I've never had that before. Actually I think it was a lot longer than 10 minutes, the hairdresser was probably working on someone else. I drifted off, and woke very groggy and dopey. I'm not sure that having a hot head for so long (plus recovering from flu?) was good for me. I'd been feeling pretty good today, apart from my neck glands still swollen and sore, but I was now feeling a bit unwell again.

So I paid little attention to what the hairdresser was doing to my hair, and only at the end realised that her interpretation of "I'm growing it out so keep it as long as possible but I want a fringe (bangs) put back in" looked like this:

I hate it. It looks horrible. I was there for an hour and a half and my head looks like a bowling ball. I wanted to look like this:

Of course I didn't say anything. I can only hope it will look better once I wash and style it myself instead of the sleek blow dry.

I was quite stressed and unhappy and I hadn't eaten a proper lunch yet, my grocery shopping after the haircut did not result in a trolley to be proud of. Back to my old response to negative emotions.

Contracts on the house we are buying were/are supposed to be exchanged today, but as of now (4pm) I still haven't heard from the lawyers. Exchange of contracts is when everyone is locked in to the price, the date etc. We've signed ours and given the deposit, still waiting to receive their signed contract. So frustrating, as we all verbally agreed to everything over a week ago. It's a six week settlement period, and we're running out of time before we really need to move. Tim starts six weeks from Monday! We're down to moving on the final weekend.

... email at 4:11 - contracts have been exchanged! Yay! We'll have a house in time for Tim to start work in Sydney. Just. Big relief that that part is done and locked in.

Now I just have to finish packing, organise schools, removalists, sell our Canberra house, etc etc. Lots of work, but less stressful than not being sure we had the house.

Glucose tolerance

Tuesday:

This morning was my biennial glucose tolerance test for diabetes. It involves drinking a revoltingly sugary drink (75g of sugar, twice as much as in a Coke) then sitting still and feeling queasy for two hours while they take tests of your blood and urine. Easy! Compared to going to the dentist yesterday, it was like a morning in a luxury resort. Results in a few days.

Home for lunch and some work trying to organise the roof being fixed (another tradie coming Friday), the TV fixed (trying to decide whether to pay the exorbitant price I've been quoted or just buy a new one), the curtains installed (in two weeks) then off to the hairdresser. I hadn't had my hair cut for a while because I am trying to grow it longer again, but it was looking really ragged and needed to be neatened up. As many women (and maybe some men) would know, that in-between stage is very tricky! It looks ok I think, I'll know better after I've washed it and done my own styling because I could never blow-dry like this again even if I wanted to.

Report card:
Diet: Ok.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Ok. A bit better.
Mental health: Ok.

On the home stretch

Wednesday:

I had a haircut today. I forgot to take a photo and I'm all tired now so you'll never see it salon-fresh. But I'll take a picture tomorrow if I remember. It's so short up the back and sides that my hairdresser (stylist?) used the clippers. But still longish at the front.

I love the little massage they give you first, and then my salon has a massage chair at the hair-washing sinks. But today the vibrating chair made me really need to pee! Even though I went just before leaving home - that was one of my mum's rules, you go to the toilet before leaving the house. But I had to ask to use their bathroom. And it's a shared bathroom with a couple of other businesses in the building, so I was wandering around holding a key with my hair all wet and the cape on and everything. I felt a bit odd.

My writing is going well. My novel is up to 65,000. I estimate the first draft will be around 80,000. Finished novel more like 100,000 once I flesh out some of the skeletal bits. There are only two more big scenes to write, plus the connective tissue between them. I'm thinking I might have the first draft done in around a month. I'm a bit excited and disbelieving about that - I will have actually written a novel! Finally! It only took me 44 years and a dozen false starts. But I can't celebrate yet. Not until I write 'the end'. Then I get to start the editing process, which I expect to enjoy because that part is what I do for a living for other people! It's the fun bit. Writing new material is the hard part.

Sleep well.

Update on writing

Wednesday:

Since I agonised about giving up uni and going back to writing, I thought I'd give an update on how that was working out for me.

Really well, actually. It did take me quite a few days to get back into the groove; reading over what I had already written, getting into the character's heads, working out some stuff I'd been putting off like place names. But I've started the writing part again and the last couple of days in particular my fingers have been flying over the keys and I've resented having to drag myself away.

Like today I had my hair cut again, it had been getting a bit long and unruly - short hair needs more trimming than long hair. It is now much shorter than the original cut, very boyish. It's ok, I am dealing with it. It will grow quickly. And I'm pretty sure I'll like it more once I wash it and style it myself instead of the smooth cap the hairdresser left me with.

I was right in the middle of a battle scene when I had to leave the house and I spent the whole time at the hairdresser thinking about what was going to happen next. Oh, except the bits when I was reading trashy magazines.

I don't mind the occasional trashy magazine, but it gets a bit boring because I just don't know who most of these people are. I've heard of Jennifer Anniston (worried about her neck wrinkles) and Kim Kardashian (competing with her sisters about who has the best booty) but most of the pictures of  "celebrities" could have been random people off the street for all I knew. Half of them criticised as being too fat (omg look at that cellulite), the other half for being too thin (anorexia!). Or for getting wrinkly, or for getting surgery so they didn't look wrinkly. Or for sleeping with too many people. Odd, I don't think anyone was criticised for not sleeping with enough people. Some were apparently sleeping with the wrong people. Some nice clothes though.

Up late

Tuesday:

It turned very overcast overnight so it was really dark this morning in our bedroom, and without the external stimulus of the sunlight I didn't wake up for my walk! Damn. Nevertheless, I was busy today running various errands and darting here and there, and ended up with over 9000 steps on my pedometer so I call that a win for the day even without deliberate exercise.

Also under 1600 calories for the day, even with chicken takeaway for dinner after my daughter's dance class.

And I got through the day without taking a nap, and there is some cooler night air coming in the windows, both of which might contribute to me sleeping better tonight. So overall a good day.

Biggest thing I did today was get my hair cut. It's gone from well below shoulder-length to short. Pretty much a spur of the moment decision, I wasn't even sure if I was going to do that or just have a trim today until I sat for a while looking at the hairdresser's magazines. The main motivation was the heat, I was sick of having all that hot hair all over my neck.

Can I ask, how on earth do you take a selfie in the mirror without the camera getting in the way?

I had endless trouble. And my head looks tiny in this picture because my arms are so much closer to the mirror.

Is that any better? I don't know how other people do it so well, I kept ending up with the phone blocking my face.

I had those same bathroom tiles in the house where I grew up. Same colour and everything. I used to think that top left hand corner had a kind of dog/monster face, looking down. Side on, with the mouth and the eye.

But anyway, that is my hair. Short at the back and sides with a long heavy mop on top. So much cooler. Except for my forehead, because I didn't have a fringe before. It will take a bit of getting used to. I was really bored with the old hair anyway.

Sunshine and curly hair

Tuesday:

I'm into day two of take 2 of the CSIRO food plan. It's going well. Last night I was grumbling because I'd only had one serve of vegetables at lunchtime so I had to have FOUR serves with dinner! That is a lot of vegetables. But I ate it all. More careful today to distribute them more evenly.

Today I had my hair permed. I used to do that all the time but then straight hair became fashionable. Dead-straight hair pulled down beside my face is absolutely the worst look for me so I always have my hair pulled back. But finally I just decided I'd rather be pretty than fashionable (anyone who knows me would laugh at the concept of me doing anything fashionable anyway) so I had it done today. I don't look like a poodle, I just have curly hair now. Still smells a bit from the chemicals, though, which isn't nice. But I loved being pampered at the hairdresser, a mini massage and having my hair washed twice and reading a trashy magazine without guilt.

Canberra has thrown itself into spring with gay abandon, with sunny skies and soaring temperatures. I walked for 45 mins yesterday and 20 mins this morning before my hairdresser appointment, picking up the kids from school will add another 15 mins today. I downloaded a pedometer app for my iPhone but only remembered to turn it on just before my walk (missing a couple of hundred incidental steps, I estimate. I'm only up to 2346, I'll be lucky to get to 5000 today. Need to work on that. Apart from my formal exercise, I don't move around much. Both work and leisure time involve a lot of sitting.

My staring weight, yesterday morning, was 81.5 kg, the highest it has been for a couple of years. But I'm doing something about it now.

Purple hair

Thursday:

So yesterday I had my lovely walk outside for an hour (it's relevant). That afternoon I decided to put some temporary purple streaks in my hair, this chalky stuff I picked up in the supermarket just for fun. It went on to my blonde hair really well, dramatic purple streaks. My hands were quite purple too. And all over the sink. And my shirt. And my face. And a bit of the carpet. And my combs. But it washed off everything ok (except the carpet) and I liked my hair.

A couple of hours later I saw in the mirror that my neck and shoulders were an angry hot pink colour. I'd put on face cream with sun screen in it before I went out, on my face and chest, and worn a hat and long sleeves, but clearly it wasn't enough. I am very fair and burn easily, so I wasn't that surprised that an hour in the sun was enough to turn exposed winter-white skin lobster red. I very gingerly dabbed on some soothing cream, and the hot pink came off on my hands! Not so much burned, as dyed.

I didn't want to wash it out straight away so last night I put an old pillow case on my pillow and put my streaked hair in a pony tail. This morning I popped into the hairdresser to book an appointment and she wanted to have a consult about what I was going to have done, so I'm sitting there and she is running her hands all through my hair, and her hands turned purple! I did warn her!

The strap of my handbag, where it goes over my shoulder, is all pinky-purple too. And every time I touch my hair I get more on my hands. I think it's more trouble than it's worth to keep in, so I'll be washing my hair straight after I exercise this afternoon.

Last night was our Salsabor lesson, so two hours of exercise in total yesterday. My legs were pretty tired by the end of dancing. And those damn mirrors again. I didn't know that lovely top made me look pregnant.

It's cold and gloomy again today, which is sad, but spring is only a couple of days away.

How do I want to live?

Saturday:

I may have said this before, but I think the thing that has the single biggest influence on how I feel is whether my hair is clean. Since cutting it to shoulder length it seems to get oily quicker, I should probably wash it every day but can't be bothered so it's every second day which is passable. But a single minute over that 48 hours and I look and feel awful. My hair looks greasy and my face looks oily and I just feel generally unkempt and unattractive. With clean hair I feel quite pretty. I can't imagine how I would cope in the bad old days when even the rich only washed their hair once a month. Forget lice, they had mice living in their wigs. Mice!

Work was much slower this week, which was pleasant at first but now a bit of a worry considering the contract has only three more weeks to go and has to be done by 30 June. There are nine of us contractors in the team, three doing my particular part, and my supervisor is pulling her hair out in stress. She had two sick days off this week. The problem is we have sent all our completed work out for approval by the company employing us and have to wait for it to come back before we can move on. And it still has to go to the legal area after that! My husband (who is a lawyer) just laughs at the idea that the legal section is going to have a turnover of a few days. As if. Oh well, not really my problem. But I like to do the best job I can.

Marion over at affectionforfitness.blogspot.com.au wrote, the other day, about slender people: "they eat exactly like the weight they want to be - every single day". It struck me because I was thinking about that very subject that morning walking to work. My dietitian friend said (long ago, but I just remembered it) that for a slow sustainable weight loss you should eat as if you are maintaining the weight you want to be. This is different to many diet regimes which get you to greatly restrict your calorie intake and lose rapidly (I can see the benefit of this, it is motivating to see a rapid weight loss, but it's much harder to sustain), then increase your calories when you reach your goal. Even Weight Watchers does this.

It is a different way of thinking to plan where you want to be, and then live as if you are that weight already. This is more the: "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change" thing.

This made me think about where I want to be.

There is a woman at my current workplace who goes to the gym every morning. She is about my age, I would guess, but she is a solid slab of muscle. Good on her, if that is what she wants, but that is not what I want to be. I don't want abs you could break your knuckles on. I also don't want to be model-skinny with no softening fat at all, like an ultra-marathoner at the end of the race. I don't think soft is necessarily a negative thing. I like curves (and so does my husband), but I don't like jiggle or flab. I like strong, but not weight-lifter. So I am getting a good picture in my own mind of what I want to aim for.

And the lifestyle thing, do I want to never eat bread again, or have sugar in my tea? Not just when I am "dieting", but never? I know sugar is a problem for some people, or wheat, or whatever, but I don't think it particularly is for me. I have different food triggers. If I am going to live as if I was my goal weight already (and want to stay that way), what does that mean to me?

I am about to turn 43. I started this blog almost exactly three years ago, just before I turned 40. Before then, although I did want to lose weight I wasn't a dieter. The only diet I can remember was a formal one my mum paid for before my wedding (her idea). But since I turned 40 I have tried lots of diets. I rarely sick to them for more than a couple of weeks. I have lost 5kg over that period, but most of that was from being sick in China. I have hovered around 78kg for the rest of the time. Have I just not "got it" yet, seen the light, got the true conviction? Or do I go too extreme and set myself up for failure. I give up foods I love then give up dieting, or exercise hard until I get sick (as I always do pretty quickly) because my body can't handle it.

This sounds a bit maudlin, but actually I am feeling pretty good tonight despite having lasagne then lemon cheesecake tonight (both made by me). This is my thinking space.

I'm finding being back in the office, and still being a mother and wife and housewife the rest of the time, is enough for me to deal with at the moment. I think small changes (like walking briskly for nearly an hour each day) are the way to go at the moment. Regular activity, a few less junky snacks. Trying for maintainable instead of the excitement of a drop on the scales.

So why DO we get fat?

later Thursday:

My zombie-fleeing friend told me that the original Zombies, Run! app (not the C25K one I have) doesn't actually require you to run, it is designed so you can walk as well -- you just have to speed up from whatever you were doing when a zombie appears. A brisker walk is fine. So I downloaded it today and am happy to have my zombies back. Unfortunately it hadn't finished downloading by the time I went out, but I'll use it to walk to work.

I walked half an hour to the hairdresser (and incidentally found it will take me about 20 mins to walk to work, where I start on Monday) through a chilly morning. I love the massage and the hair-washing. The hairdresser did what I asked and I think the cut is ok, but it's hard to tell at present because despite my saying at least twice that I don't like my hair straightened, she blow-dried it straight down beside my face. It really doesn't suit me. And two minutes after going back into the wind I was left with a mouthful of hair and a bird's nest on my head. I'll wait and see until I wash it next and get its natural wave back.

I went to the shops and found myself a pair of black work pants (yay!) and put them in to be shortened. Then had a lovely lunch at a Thai restaurant. It was a lunch special with rice and a chicken/vegetable dish, and when it came out it was so big my first thought was to take half home. But I ended up eating it all except I only had a little bit of the rice. On my tracker, I counted it as my own home-made stir fry plus extra meat, the cashews, the bit of rice, and presumably sugar in the sauce. So quite a lot more calories, really!

Then I walked home, another half an hour of briskness (carrying a backpack full of fruit this time), then into the afternoon routine of taking Child 2 to gymnastics, Child 1 to the library, home for a while, pick up Child 2, make dinner...

Since everyone else in the house loves pasta (so do I, for that matter) but I'm not eating it at the moment, I made myself a baked chicken breast and vegetables with really hot sauce. It was great! I didn't miss the pasta at all. As long as I make myself something yummy, I don't resent not eating stuff like that.

A book I picked up for myself at the library is Gary Taubes' Why We Get Fat and what to do about it, and although I don't like the title (it just seems a bit dumbed down) I am finding it fascinating. I should disclaim, first, that I don't necessarily believe everything I read -- it would be almost impossible these days as everything contradicts everything else. But I enjoy exploring the arguments. Anyway, Taubes argues that there isn't, and never has been, any evidence that either low calorie diets OR exercise do anything to help you lose weight. He looks at the original studies that this idea was based on and debunks them. I am only a quarter of the way through but he says up front in the Introduction that it's easily digested carbohydrates that are the problem, not the balance of calories in/calories out, because of their affect on hormones like insulin which then trigger you to get fat.

I have been convinced for quite a while that exercise -- while good for you in many ways including strength, endurance, and mood -- does not make me lose weight, but the idea that the number of calories I eat doesn't have relevance is a bit hard to get my head around. I will read on.