June

Friday:

New South Wales has been reducing restrictions which makes it feel like we're out the other side of Covid-19, but a neighbouring state has had an increase in cases (20 new ones, I think, Australia has been touched lightly in comparison to many places) and of course in some parts of the world the pandemic is at its peak or even just getting started.

I still haven't been offered any work. The current school term only has a week left, I had expected to get work next term but who knows? I may have to look for work elsewhere, which is sad. I really liked where I was working.

Tim, on the other hand, is swamped. He often comes home very late (one night 1.30am) or goes in very early, he has a long commute as well which makes it worse. His department had been offered Voluntary Redundancies at the start of the year, he's been there many years so it was a good deal for him with a chunk of money that would give plenty of time to look for a new job. But then Covid happened so after filling in all the paperwork and getting approval from HR we decided not to take it. He could always take his Long Service Leave for a break. Someone else in his section applied and was then told by their boss that she couldn't spare anyone! Bit late to mention it, after months of agonising and all the paperwork on both sides! But anyway, it means Tim doesn't have to regret the decision not to take it, it was never really a possibility after all. But then a new big boss took over and has fired half the management, including Tim's boss. Someone else left to get a promotion elsewhere. And now Tim is the only lawyer. He's supposed to work a nine day fortnight, but he's missed three of his last four rostered days off as there is no one to cover the work. I hope this doesn't go on very long, and they hire more people. It's crazy.

I have to do 30 hours a year of study to keep up my Professional Development, the financial year ends 30 June so I've spend quite a bit of time these past couple of weeks catching up on that. Only two hours to go.

Limbo

Thursday:

I’ve been having a really low energy week. I was exhausted on Sunday after cooking all day for the family dinner, but thought nothing of it as I’d tried a new recipe which is always stressful - it turned out well - in the midst of a house full of excited children. But then I felt the same all Monday, and kind of depressed on Tuesday. But the last couple of days I’ve embraced it. If I’m tired, I’ll just enjoy reading and watching old Project Runway. I’m in Limbo at the moment; finished my studies but not yet in a job, so it makes sense I feel a little adrift. I keep myself busy with things like sorting my photos and doing my home book cataloguing project, but they are not the same as having a real purpose to your days.

I’ve also been thinking about writing another book. I sent my first manuscript to a couple of publishers last year (no response) before deciding it wasn’t the best I could do. I’m really proud of myself for writing a whole novel and I love it but it has its faults. I can do better on my next attempt. I’ve had a few ideas for quite a while, but now I have concepts that tie it all together and I really should start writing.

Aiden is away at school camp at the moment. In Canberra, where we lived until two years ago! He should know many of the places they are visiting quite well. Questacon, the interactive science museum, for example - we had an annual pass there for many years. I just wish they weren’t there in the middle of winter, it is much colder there than here in Sydney. It can be miserable down by the lake where most of the public buildings are when an icy wind blows over the water. They had to wear full school uniform, which I’ve never seen for camp before. Extra layers underneath! I miss my baby, but it does mean I can sleep in in the morning! Jasmine gets herself to school without assistance,  only Aiden has to be dragged out of bed.

Frangipani

Sunday:

Yesterday I was crushingly exhausted for no apparent reason, although sickness has been going around the family (Lucy's first birthday party was postponed from this weekend because of it and the only person able to come to dinner here tonight is my father-in-law, everyone else is sick). I sat in front of the TV all day and fell asleep there both morning and afternoon. Even when I was awake I felt foggy and exhausted.

Today I am much better. Tim and I moved the frangipani up to the backyard. We were going to buy an advanced one for that corner until we found they are about $1500 for a decent size tree, but luckily the previous owners had left one in a pot, which it had overgrown and its roots were delving though the pot holes into the ground. It had also slumped over at some point so was growing sideways. I thought the back corner had been dug over but it hadn't, still full of rocks and roots! So that was a fair bit of work preparing the soil then getting a reasonably mature tree out of its little pot and safely into the ground. It looks great, very architectural.

It looks very bare (and interesting) in winter, it is just about to burst into leaf and then flower. In summer it will look something like this random picture from the internet:

It has beautifully scented tropical flowers like this.

I'll plant some things around the bottom to fill out that corner a bit. 

I also started to tackle the little shady area behind the house that is lined with tree ferns. They look great and help shade the back of the house, but they had a lot of dead fronds. I worked my along about half, until I got too filthy and itchy! 

I did some study in the afternoon for my upcoming exam. It's my favourite but also most difficult subject. It was great to get back into a topic I enjoy after that last assignment!

My night sweats came back almost as soon as I stopped taking Duromine. Three times in the past five nights I've woken after a frustrating dream, drenched in sweat. Yuck. And my craving for unhealthy foods is fully back too. Weird to compare how I felt about junk food most of the time on Duromine when I could take it or leave it! Now I definitely take it. Yet I've actually lost weight this week. 

Kids are back at school tomorrow.

Tiny loss

Monday:

It was a public holiday today, not sure what for, Labour Day maybe? We didn't do anything. We talked of going to the beach for a walk along the coast but on a public holiday there would be no parking anywhere. I was feeling pretty awful all day, Tim's been sick on and off too, still not sure if it's hay fever or flu. Both are around! I finished the second of four TAFE assignments I'm working on, had a nap while Tim took the kids to mini golf, pottered a little in the vege patch. Tim had some friends over in the evening while I watched Survivor on TV.

Tim is back at work tomorrow but there is another week of school holidays for me and the kids.

My weight this morning was 77.8 kg, so a tiny loss (300 grams) this week. Better than a gain I guess. I need to see my doctor for another script, but after two lacklustre weeks I'm not sure what to do.

Weigh in

Monday:

Another Monday, another happy weigh-in. 1.3 kg this week, so a total of 5.7 kg lost in four weeks. Current weight 79.0 kg. And my waist measurement is down too.

I had a quiet day studying. My teacher for one subject finally updated things, so I was able to catch up on the past two weeks plus this week. I feel relieved to have got up to date with that one. Five other subjects to go! And I have an assessment this week - a mock reference interview (pretending she is a library customer needing help) with my teacher. I'm not worried about that, I did ten years of customer service.

I was feeling well today, but with none of the extra energy that I was hoping would return. Tim went to work, Jasmine went to school but not dance practice, and she's on antibiotics for her ear. Aiden is his usual bouncy self. I think we need a bit more time to get back to normal.

Another sunny day

Monday:

Weigh-in day! 80.3 kg, another 0.9 kg down. Nice steady loss. My eating has been on-point and I've been doing lots of heavy gardening work and getting in 10,000 steps just moving around, but I think it might be time to do some more cardio. Back to dancing in my lounge room maybe. But not today, I'm still not feeling 100%. Jasmine is unwell now too.

I've noticed a couple of unexpected side-effects of the medication. I have had some dry patches on my face for years that flare up when I have a hot bath or shower (ie most days) and become red and scaly. Since starting Duromine they have completely gone. My skin is soft and smooth all the time, even after a long hot bath. I've found in forums that other people have noticed an improvement in skin conditions. Unfortunately it seems to go away as soon as you stop the pills.

The other thing is my night sweats, that I've been having 2-4 times a week for a couple of years now. They've gone too. I didn't realise until the last couple of night waking in the night a bit hot because of my sunburnt neck and suddenly remembered I haven't been waking drenched in sweat, not for weeks. So that is a very nice side effect.

One that is not so good, although it is more a primary effect than a side effect, is I have a lot of energy which means I don't want to sit still. I don't feel manic or anything, just energetic and keen to be up and doing. This is, from one perspective, a downside because I am much less interested in studying. I haven't finished last week's tasks and I'm really going to have to buckle down this week. I've got some assignments looming. And I got a couple of things back with the comment 'Good work, but a bit brief' instead of my usual excellence. I'd just much rather be out in the garden, or going for a walk! I haven't been playing my favourite computer game World of Warcraft at all (I don't care about that!) even though some new content and 43 new pets were just released. I did notice the restlessness yesterday morning when I was feeling sick but didn't spend much time sitting around, I still got in 10,000 steps by the end of the day pottering around the garden and cleaning the house and making family dinner. Normally if I was feeling sick I'd be sitting feeling sorry for myself. Instead I picked up rocks and felt sorry for myself!

I buckled down today and got some homework done. But also spent time outside watering the turf (twice a day while it's establishing roots) and planting some flowers in a sunny spot.

Tim was at an all day meeting in another city today and they worked through lunch with no break and no food all day! They were offered a glass of water, that was all. That is not normal! I would be fainting, or hangry or something. I'd at least bring up the subject! Tim just got something at the airport on the way home. How rude of the organisers.

Nearly there

Thursday:

The big excitement for the day is that the pool is finished! They surfaced yesterday and acid-washed today. The garden hose is currently running a trickle of water overnight. Plus it is raining. It takes something like 18 hours to fill, apparently, but I don't want it to overflow overnight. I'll be here tomorrow to monitor the last bit. I'll take photos in the morning. OMG we have a pool!

In the middle of winter.

They have to come and do a 'hand-over' where they tell us how to run the filter, balance the chemicals (it's a mineral pool) etc. Not sure when that will be. We've got a skip bin being delivered tomorrow so we can dispose of all the mess from the site. Then we can do the 'soft landscaping' i.e. gardening at our leisure through the end of winter and spring.

I was able to go to full sessions of my classes today. I'm not sure how Tim managed it (i.e. staying a bit later at home this morning so I could leave), he's been super-busy at work at the moment and working very long hours. But I think the crisis is finally easing off. Unfortunately it was Aiden's school's open day today, where parents can come into the classroom and see their child's work, listen to the school band etc. I've been every other year for both children since they started school and Tim does his best to go too, we both feel bad for not going. It would have to be on my one day of class!

I have two main categories of subjects. One type is the more wordy, touchy-feely stuff. Customer service, promoting reading, event management. In general, most of my classmates seem to prefer this type. Then there is the nitty-gritty technical stuff. The Dewey Decimal system, html coding, MARC and RDA and all the other acronyms. This is the stuff I enjoy most! I think a lot of people hate it. I want to be a cataloguer when I grow up. And the assessments are exams rather than written assignments or presentations, I prefer exams.

Nothing exciting happened in class. The sleeper, Jessica, slept through the morning class (I didn't notice her in that class last week, she is less obvious in the corner tucked behind a computer) but stayed upright in the afternoon class. She doodled in her book while we were supposed to be reading stuff on our computers. But participated a little bit in the group discussion. A bit oddly, but she tried. The really quiet teenager tried too, although so softly and mumblingly I'm not sure what she said.

One part of the discussion was about difficult customers. Ha! I worked for Centrelink (unemployment benefits) for ten years. They know nothing.

Not great

Monday:

Today is not going well. It started with an early morning because Aiden has his drumming lesson before school. He said he wasn't feeling well but I bundled him off anyway because I don't trust his judgement. Tim's car wouldn't start so I drove him to the station, through heavier than usual traffic. Someone tried to call me while I was driving but I couldn't answer it in time via the car system, and my phone didn't record who it was for some reason. I was worried it was Aiden's school. I got home and tried to get studying when the school called to say Aiden was sick and could I pick him up. Bad mother.

So I got him home and in bed, tiny bit of study, then time to watch Game on Thrones which is on at 11:00am here. But for some reason didn't start until 11:30 today which stressed me a lot as I wasn't sure if I was doing something wrong - we only get Foxtel for GoT so I'm not used to it. But it finally came on, I enjoyed watching it.

I'd planned to go grocery shopping today but that was out, so I 'made' some packet soup for us, Aiden was well enough to get up and have some. Soon after I started to feel sick. I assume from the same thing Aiden has, not the soup.

And I'm having trouble accessing all my study units online, not that I'm able to concentrate enough to learn anything.

So I'm feeling yuck, it's now pouring rain outside, and this afternoon I'll be expected to: drive Jasmine to a big further-away shopping centre to buy fabric for her sewing class tomorrow that we forgot to shop for over the past two weeks, get Jasmine to and from dance class, create dinner with no groceries, or find takeaway that can be tolerated by two upset tummies, and eventually pick up Tim from the station. Urg. One of those days I'd love to give up and go to bed.

On the weekend Tim was called in to work all day Saturday and didn't get home until after midnight. On Sunday we cleaned and had family over for lunch, this time my relatives from the country who I only see once a year or so now. It was nice to see my aunt and uncle, but we spent an hour looking at photos of people I don't know, hideous craftwork by people I don't know, the front and back porches and driveways of people I don't know, trees, a seagull, scoreboards of a bowls match my uncle officiated at, pictures of my uncle from all angles just before he had his hair cut, more people I don't know, pictures of their car parked outside their house, outside someone else's house, and at a park. At least there was the occasional photo of my cousins and their young children. Then my aunt convinced us to play 500 (card game), she is an addict of the game. I remember being a bit scared of her as a teenager, and her "but why did you play that card when he led a spade and you knew I bid diamonds" etc, she's mellowed a lot now and/or I'm an adult and/or I'm better at the game. But competitive is hardly a strong enough word once the cards come out. Anyway, it got us away from the endless photos (my uncle looked like he was willing to go on forever with those) and we ended up one game each so that was good, although she had to call their son to say they'd be late for dinner because she wasn't about to leave with the game unfinished.

I was telling Tim this morning that I had a million things to do today. Haven't done any of them.

Oh, and the pool guys were supposed to come back tomorrow to finish, they said, as long as the weather stayed clear. As I look out at pouring rain. And the tiler who said he'd call me tomorrow, a week ago? Yeah....

My aunt brought up that my dad's grave has now settled so it's time to get that finished. It's been two years. Headstone and slab I guess? I didn't realise I had to do anything, or where to begin. I've never had anything to do with a burial before, not even this time. Dad's girlfriend and dad's sister organised it as I live so far away. I just paid for everything, and was surprised it cost about the same as mum's cremation instead of a lot more. But now I suppose it didn't include everything. I guess I'll call Aunty Pat. But not today.

(Edit: when Jasmine got home from school she wasn't feeling well either so we're not going shopping or to dance. Easier for me but not good that we're all sick! I hope Tim is ok, he's the most busy and overworked of us. And btw my aunt was getting over being sick yesterday. Do germs take effect so fast?)

Mind and body

Wednesday:

TAFE has started this week, yay! I've completed work for week one in the two subjects I have access to so far. I have two more online subjects that I'm waiting for access to, and also two face-to-face classes coming up. I was only going to do one, but Tim has organised to go in to work late one day a week (staying home to get the kids off to school) so I can get to a morning class. Isn't that lovely! Unfortunately he can't do it this week, and there is also other stuff going on with the kids that day, so in week one I'll be very late to one of my classes (1.5 hour late in a 2.5 hour class) and then have to leave early from the other! I was a bit stressed about that at about 5am this morning, tossing and turning, but I'm sure it won't be a big deal really. If it was any other week (than week one) I wouldn't be bothered at all, but I'm going to miss the introduction to my morning class and being told what the assessments are and all that, and also possibly make a bad first impression on the teacher (I don't know who it is or if they've taught me before).

That aside, I'm really happy to be back into study. I feel full of purpose again.

Yesterday the pool people finally turned up and did the first bit of the final step with more-or-less promises that it will be finished this week. That would be exciting but I won't be holding my breath. Monday was the one year anniversary of when we signed the contracts and were told it would be done by Christmas! 12 months...

It's three weeks since the tiler finished and said he would come back to clean up - main problem is a lot of white stains (concrete?) on our stonework - and I've decided I WILL hassle him about coming back. Why should he get away with it? My expectations had got so low that I was happy the job was done, but it's not really finished while the area is a mess. So I've started that process, and got a 'call u 2morw'.

I've been persisting with wearing my CPAP at night but without much luck. I still have a lot of trouble getting to sleep and wake up again (and take it off) after only a couple of hours. I'm restless anyway, even without it. I've never liked meditation but I've been doing some beginner Tai Chi which I'm enjoying so maybe meditation in motion? Less boring. Maybe it will help to calm my mind.

I was thinking the other night (lying awake) about how much I separate mind and body. ME is my mind, my body is just the vehicle. If I was given a body transplant (no such thing as a head transplant in my view, the head stays the same the body is changed) or my consciousness was downloaded into a robot or magically transferred into a cat, I would still be ME. Yet this completely discounts the interaction between mind and body. Each affects and shapes the other. In reality I am both. They are one. I need to take more ownership of my body. It's just as much ME as my thoughts are. What do you think?

Soggy

Tuesday:

I spent the day with soggy feet. There is a famous poem about Australia as the land "of droughts and flooding rains" and today was the flooding rains bit! Very wet shoes and socks getting to class this morning. I managed to mostly protect my books, only got soggy in one corner.

This week the students are getting to know each other better, everyone seems very friendly. Quite different to when I tried going back to Uni a couple of years ago and I felt very lonely and out of place amongst all the 18-year-olds. I have five different teachers in five different classrooms, people sit in different positions next to different people for each class, but it seems we've decided on our set places for each class. In one class I sit next to Mark at the back, he's the one with dreadlocked hair, he has a 26 year-old-daughter with her own kids so he is a grandad! In another class I sit with Cathy near the middle, she's the one who already looks like a librarian, she is really lovely. In yet another I sit right up the front with Marlen. We don't talk so much. I think she always sits right up the front. Model of German efficiency.

The older Italian lady I expected to drop out because she can't use computers was still there today. Maria asks a lot of questions, which is not a bad thing at all, but she is very disruptive in another way. She was sitting near the back and couldn't see the projector screen, so kept getting up and walking halfway to the front and standing in the aisle. Two different people offered their seats but she wouldn't. The teacher got her to sit right up the front at the side but she couldn't see from there either. She kept going back and forth, saying she didn't want to be a bother but not seeming to realise she was much more of a distraction than if she'd just accepted a swap. She was trying to take notes which is difficult while standing so she ended up kneeling at the teachers desk, was offered a chair there which she refused but eventually she did roll a chair over. It was this ongoing two hour saga.

Im finding the content easy so far but there is already a lot of work to keep up with. Plenty of homework. I'm doing my reading on the train.

Yesterday afternoon my right eye got sore and bloodshot, I must have scratched it or something. It got worse in the evening and a night of rest didn't completely heal it, I couldn't wear any eye makeup today. Hope it's better tomorrow.

Happy Valentines Day!

Back to study

Thursday:

I returned to study on Monday, so I've suddenly gone from full-time mum (doing a bit of writing) to full-time student + mum. I'm finding it a bit hectic!

My campus is in the city, and the times of day I go and return mean I have to park a long way from the train station and never get an express - more like "all stops to the city", so it takes me about an hour and a half commute door to door (so three hours a day travel total). The walk from car to station and station to campus means I'm getting nearly 10,000 exercise steps on the three days I go in, so that is an up-side to the travel! And I read on the train.

I'm doing five subjects face-to-face, whichever ones were being held within my kids' school hours, and four subjects at home online (plus homework of course). I've done a bit of each so far and enjoyed it all. My classes are mostly all the same people (about fifteen of us) with a bit of variation as some like me don't go to every class, or go to a different class at a time that suits them better. Mostly women, mostly aged in 30s or 40s with a previous career and maybe child-rearing behind them. I'm pretty standard for the group though at the older end of the spectrum.

Obviously with the full-time workload something's got to give. I still collapse in front of the TV for my favourite shows in the evening but no computer games for me, a lot less playing with my phone or iPad, and I haven't done any writing. Not sure when I'm going to fit that in. So far I've been too tired after dinner for any study or creative work. I have done some study with the kids home in the afternoon, I told them I was going to work for an hour so they'd need to entertain themselves, so five seconds later they were chatting to me and showing me a new YouTube video or something. In any case, most afternoons I am driving them back and forth to dance lessons, gymnastics, youth group, dentist appointments etc. I'll be doing as much study as possible within school hours on the days I don't go in to campus.

I get half an hour lunch break on one of my campus days and none at all on the others so it's a matter of inhaling an apple or piece of cheese when we're given a bathroom break. My sister-in-law was saying I'd be able to go out and have lunch at Chinatown - ha! I barely get to leave the building. I take a series of healthy snacks to scoff between classes or on the train.

Sorry I'm going to complain about the heat again, Monday was ridiculously hot and my official student card photo looks like a sweaty tomato with glasses. Tuesday we had storms and heavy rain so that the tunnels under the city were running with water and I was wading through puddles in wet shoes (I still prefer that to the heat) then a couple of bearable days (31 today) but from tomorrow it's going up over 40 degrees for three days. I'll be staying home inside as much as possible; but I worry about Aiden playing tennis outside in that kind of heat, or going to my sister-in-law's for dinner when her parents disapprove of using the air conditioner.

We've had some progress with the pool and more work over the next few days, I'll post photos after this stage is done. Not everyone comes when they say they will, common complaint about tradesman I know. Our poor front and side lawn were just starting to recover a bit from the previous depredations, now they have been completely destroyed again by more heavy machinery driving over it during the wet stormy day. We don't have grass, we have mud with tyre tracks in it. Drying into interesting ridges and holes full of weeds. Well we can't worry about that bit now, we'll fix it when the backyard is all done.

I am really enjoying the study and I don't mind being busy, it gives me purpose in life.

Oh, and I forgot to mention on Monday, I lost 1.3 kg last week after getting back on the diet healthy way of life wagon.

I'd rather study than work

Tuesday:

Yet again I missed my book club due to having to talk to a pool tradesman. He was scheduled to come later, but rang to change the time. Tim was here but it's really best if we both talk to them. Book club is only an hour once a month, for goodness sake! I've missed so many, and at least three times due to the pool. Time to drop out of the group, I think, likely my TAFE course will interfere too. I hate being so unreliable.

I realised I won't be able to get to the general orientation meeting next week for my TAFE course so I've arranged to go in on Friday to sort out my timetable. I'm really looking forward to getting started! I love study, as you can probably tell by my frequent return to it. After high school I did a BA(Linguistics), worked for ten years, did a Cert II Horticulture course, had children, did a Grad Cert in Professional Writing and Editing, freelanced for a while, started a Bachelor of Nutrition but found it too lonely with all the teenagers, wrote a book, and now doing a Diploma of Library and Information Studies. I'd rather learn than work any day!

Splash

Saturday:

We don't know our older neighbours on one side very well and at first thought they were a bit grumpy, but they seem nice now. We haven't spoken to them much but the husband suggested a couple of times (when he saw me home with the kids on school holidays) that we were welcome to use his swimming pool if we wanted. I really didn't feel like we knew them well enough, it was too awkward, although of course I thanked him and said we might. But then he asked us to feed his dog while the humans were away this weekend, and that made it seem fair for us to use the pool and also not having them there helped! We went over this afternoon, played with Casper, and had a swim in the pool - with Casper! He shed a lot of hair, both in the pool and out of it, poor thing looked so hot. He is an elderly golden Labrador.

I fed him in the evening, and as I'd been warned he inhaled his dinner in about 12 seconds. And looked around for more. It was the right amount of food for him, but I did feel a bit sorry for him that someone so motivated by food (as all Labradors are) only got to eat for 12 seconds a day. He should learn to savour it!

I've been thinking seriously about the "what am I going to do with my life" question, and one option I'm considering is becoming a librarian. There is a one year course that I can do either in the city (might be tricky to fit within school hours, especially with all the travelling) or online. And even while studying (especially online) I could look for work, my previous qualifications and work experience (not in libraries) might help. I want to work part time. I love books, there would be some desk work but not all day, quiet and indoors, contact with people but I wouldn't have to sell anything. The TAFE course has an information session on Wednesday that I plan to go to, and I'll also go talk to my local librarians.

As with any job or study, it will affect the time I have to write (particularly with my RSI that restricts daily computer use) but I can't stay home forever. I need to think about the direction to take my writing too... do I work on the sequel to my existing book that hasn't yet found a publisher (need to spend time there) or start on a new idea that is percolating?

Hunger reset study

Thursday:

I read an interesting article about a recent study that concluded that you regain weight just as fast after slow weight loss as you do after rapid weight loss. What a depressing way to word it! As if the regain was inevitable. Apparently around 71% in both groups had regained all the weight after a year. At least that leaves 29% who didn't regain it all. But the study was arguing against the idea that slow weight loss is somehow better, easier to maintain.

The other interesting thing they concluded was that it can take up to three years for your body to "reset" its comfortable weight. This is the idea that your body is somehow happier at a certain weight and if you lose weight then relax your diet you will spring back up to that set point. My understanding of their argument (it was an article not the actual study) was that this is true and is because of your body's set hunger level. It can be reset, but it takes up to three years. So once you go into maintenance mode you have to continue to be vigilant for several years until your body resets, then it should feel more normal to eat the right amount to maintain your lower weight. Thus your "natural weight" is not set in stone, it is just what your body is used to and you can change it.

I was home all yesterday, unmotivated to exercise. I spent the morning doing sitting work - writing and researching - then forced myself to do some dancing in the afternoon. I hoped that once I got started I would get into it. I managed 25 minutes before my limp limbs refused to flail around any longer. At least I tried, I really did. Gravity was just too heavy.

Today was worse. No energy at all. I did put my gym gear on but didn't get out of the house. I made the mistake of doing some work reading in a comfy chair. Slept for an hour. Sitting up, in the morning. I do often need a nap, but never in the morning! Still feel dopey and fatigued. No exercise today.

High blood pressure and some night thoughts

Thursday:

I checked my blood pressure at the Chemist this afternoon. 148/103. Which is high. Probably not high enough to be put on medication, but high enough to worry about. So the reading at the doctor was correct, and my blood pressure must have gone up since last time I visited my regular doctor. At the very most, that is about 9 months ago.

Is the high blood pressure caused by the sleep deprivation? Both caused by something else? Pre-diabetes involved?

Lying awake during the night, at around 2am I had a bit of a revelatory thought. I was thinking about how I want to get this sleep problem worked out, but I really really don't want to have sleep apnoea. Imagining having to wear one of those face masks every night. And then I realised that it is probably up to me. I mean, I know that being overweight is affecting my health in various ways, but it just really hit me that I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. As far as I know, I don't have anything congenitally wrong with me. It is most likely that anything wrong with me, any health issues I am having, are caused by my diet and exercise habits. I can change my daily habits to make hours to study, why can't I find time and energy for my health? It is a depressing situation that I need to make empowering instead. If I can affect my own health in such a bad way, I can also do it in a good way.

Much later, maybe 6am, I was tossing and turning again. And I realised that relatively recently, but more than a year ago I think, I started sleeping with one hand cupping my face with my thumb and first finger pressing against my cheekbones. This has always puzzled me, but I kept doing it without conscious decision. And this morning I wondered if it was an attempt to keep my airways open? Is it affecting my sinuses? I don't know. I need to get this sorted so I can get some sleep.

To change the self-absorbed subject, a new study has just come out from the University of Sydney. I've only seen the media excitement about it so far, and I don't know how accurate that is. But anyway, they tested lots of different diets on mice. High protein, low fat, low calorie etc. Something like 35 different diets, the biggest study of its kind. And the headline findings are that high protein/low carb diets made the mice thinner, but also made them die a lot younger. The fatter high carb mice lived a lot longer. The worst diets were high fat and (surprisingly, at least to me) low calorie. I always thought calorie restriction, at least in humans, led to much longer life. Anyway, this is mice not humans but it is still interesting. What I get out of it is that thinner does not equal long life. Health is not just equated with skinniness.

Fruitful weekend

Sunday:

I had a couple of good nights sleep this weekend which set me up for a productive couple of days. I'm still going to see the doctor tomorrow morning, last time I cancelled an appointment after some decent sleep but then the bad times came straight back. But I've felt pretty good.

I was finally strong enough to throw out the rest of that chocolate frosting (my kids and I had had one more go at it, then put it back in the fridge, earlier in the week) AND most of a packet of chocolate biscuits that someone else left here AND a family sized block of chocolate that no one but me liked and it wasn't anywhere near my favourite type so not worth the calories. So that was a good start to de-junking the house a little bit. I'm trying to turn the eating around. Resisting is much easier when I am not beaten down from lack of sleep.

Then I spent many hours studying which was very fruitful. I got a good handle on last week's Chemistry and did the online quiz and got 90%. I did that online Maths test that I had to get 80% in to continue in Chemistry, and got 100%! I am very proud of that, I worked damn hard for it. I went over and over every module until I was really confident with it all and it paid off. Over the degree I get four electives which I can choose from any subject and I am thinking about doing some Maths.

Then I read ahead for the coming week's Chemistry and Biology and answered the questions and examples in the textbooks and watched an online video and printed out all the stuff I need for this week's labs. It is kind of daunting that I will have to do this much every weekend to keep on top of it all (if I want to do really well, which I do) but I am enjoying it too. I love learning. And it gives me a purpose in life, which I haven't had for a little while.

So basically I did uni work all weekend while Tim minded the kids and did a fair bit of the cooking and housework too.

It wasn't exactly a fun weekend but it was a good one because I felt like I accomplished a lot.

My mum is doing really well, and we helped her buy a new dishwasher when we were last there so that and getting a cleaner in every week means she can relax and not worry about much housework. She can save her energy for things she actually wants to do. And she has a lot more energy now since the radiotherapy.

Here's to a new week.

Tiny bit of yoga

Thursday:

Today I woke up and lay in bed for a while, needing to go to the bathroom but thinking I would wait until it was time to get up because it would give me extra motivation to get out of bed. Eventually I glanced at the clock. And it was PAST time to get up already! I have no idea why I didn't look at the clock earlier instead of lying there kind of wishing it was time to get up so I could go to the bathroom already ...

I didn't have time to get in a walk so instead I did my eight and a half minute yoga video. A few stretches to start the day. I really noticed the tightness in my hips. And my shoulders. And just about everywhere else. I find yoga totally boring but I should incorporate at least that mini hatha more often.

I spent most of the day at Uni. It is Orientation Week and I was expecting lots of stalls for clubs and societies and local businesses giving out free pens. They had that last time, in 2009. I joined what turned out to be a non-existent drama club and lost my $10 joining fee. But today there was one stall of volunteers ready to show people around, and one group of Christians. Nothing else. Perplexing. It was the same on Monday but I thought I was just there too early that day. But no.

I did some study in the library as didn't want to lug the huge hardcover Anatomy book home, and bought my lab coat and some other stuff. The kids were very exited about my lab coat. But as soon as I tried it on I realised I'm going to have to wear this hot heavy thing through the rest of summer. I hope those labs are air conditioned.

When I got home I planned to do some Maths study then fold those clothes that still haven't folded themselves from the other day. The internet went down when I had just started a module, and while I was giving it a few minutes to come back I fell asleep. Sitting up in my chair. For about 45 minutes.

I spend enough time in bed each night, I am pretty sure it is just the heat. It doesn't seem normal to need to have a nap nearly every afternoon. If it doesn't resolve when the weather cools down I will have to investigate further.

A bit over 7000 steps again, and under my calories (giving myself 1600 atm).