Monday night:
I've given up even kidding myself that I am actively trying to lose weight. I am wishing I was thinner -- a completely different thing. I have a brief bout of "I'll do better tomorrow" every night at bed time but it doesn't even last through breakfast the next day. Feeling bad about failing to be "good" just leads to more comfort eating. Thinking about dieting leads to panicked binging. I know I am in total control of what I put into my body. But it doesn't always feel that way. I want, I buy, I eat, I feel guilty.
Soon I am going away for a few days and will be on holidays, eating at restaurants and snacking at events. A lot of me feels like it's not worth the effort to be "good" for only a couple of days before that then have to start again when I get back. I could lie and say I'll eat healthily while away, but we all know how likely that is when I can't eat healthily at home.
I've been wondering if I've been having some hormonal issues, I have life-long problems I won't go into here that may be getting worse and I will talk to my doctor about very soon, maybe changing some medication. But even saying that feels like a cop-out, blaming my weight on anything other than myself and my own actions.
Why is it a constant battle with myself? Not just weight, lots of things. My behaviour does not advance me towards my goals, but I seem incapable of change.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Dizzy
Monday:
Yesterday I got up determined to exercise, got my gym gear on first thing after breakfast and started to dance. Felt exhausted and dizzy almost straight away, tried some lower intensity dancing, had to sit down after a total of about 20 mins. Very frustrating.
Today I did some writing in the morning while Tim took the kids to a movie (Epic) then met them for lunch and felt queasy and headachy while we were at the restaurant. I mostly feel ok but I clearly still have some unconquered germs. Haven't tried to exercise today.
Food choices have been mostly terrible.
Yesterday I got up determined to exercise, got my gym gear on first thing after breakfast and started to dance. Felt exhausted and dizzy almost straight away, tried some lower intensity dancing, had to sit down after a total of about 20 mins. Very frustrating.
Today I did some writing in the morning while Tim took the kids to a movie (Epic) then met them for lunch and felt queasy and headachy while we were at the restaurant. I mostly feel ok but I clearly still have some unconquered germs. Haven't tried to exercise today.
Food choices have been mostly terrible.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Frantic cleaning in preparation for maternal visit
Thursday:
I wasn't as "better" as I'd thought. I didn't exercise or houseclean yesterday, I had a nap in the afternoon instead. Then I had quite a bad night. But my mum was coming after lunch today so that gave me the morning to clean the house whether I felt up to it or not. And if you think I could just explain to her that I'd been sick, I'll laugh in your face.
I scrubbed the bathroom, did the grocery shopping quickly with the kids, came home and cleaned the kitchen and picked up and vacuumed the hall and lounge-room. Then collapsed. The kids' rooms are still a nightmare, and the study and games rooms are pretty bad, but at least the living areas are decent.
In the afternoon we dropped Aiden at gymnastics and took Jasmine to buy the make-up she needs for her upcoming dance recital. Foundation, powder, puffs to apply the powder, mascara, eye-liner, eye shadow, blush, a brush for the blush, lipstick, lip-liner. She's nine, people. NINE! I tried to get cheapish items but not too junky, and got a good mascara because that will be going right on her eyes. $85. Sigh.
She had some make-up already (given to her by other people), mainly vibrant eye shadows and nail polish, but she needed specific colours.
Seriously, I don't use half the stuff I had to get for her.
I wasn't as "better" as I'd thought. I didn't exercise or houseclean yesterday, I had a nap in the afternoon instead. Then I had quite a bad night. But my mum was coming after lunch today so that gave me the morning to clean the house whether I felt up to it or not. And if you think I could just explain to her that I'd been sick, I'll laugh in your face.
I scrubbed the bathroom, did the grocery shopping quickly with the kids, came home and cleaned the kitchen and picked up and vacuumed the hall and lounge-room. Then collapsed. The kids' rooms are still a nightmare, and the study and games rooms are pretty bad, but at least the living areas are decent.
In the afternoon we dropped Aiden at gymnastics and took Jasmine to buy the make-up she needs for her upcoming dance recital. Foundation, powder, puffs to apply the powder, mascara, eye-liner, eye shadow, blush, a brush for the blush, lipstick, lip-liner. She's nine, people. NINE! I tried to get cheapish items but not too junky, and got a good mascara because that will be going right on her eyes. $85. Sigh.
She had some make-up already (given to her by other people), mainly vibrant eye shadows and nail polish, but she needed specific colours.
Seriously, I don't use half the stuff I had to get for her.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Heavier
Wednesday:
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
The slow weight gain continues after a week of illness, no exercise, and comfort food. I was feeling bad about it last night (I hadn't weighed myself but felt puffy and unattractive) and resolved get back on track. I was thinking about it lying in bed. So of course I had another deprivation dream.
I've had a few of these lately, all different but all revolving around being deprived of food in some way. Last night Ally McBeal had eaten my steak and I was sitting on the kitchen floor at 10pm crying, knowing the huge roast beef she had tossed in the frying pan as recompense was going to take forever to cook.
I guess my subconscious is really paranoid about me dieting!
I weighed myself this morning and I am up to 80kg (around 176 pounds), a milestone number that I had never wanted to see on the scale again. Ok, Marion, I am letting myself feel bad about that. No shrugging it off because I plan to do better and today is a new day so it's alright. I do feel sad, and guilty, and unhealthy.
When I am logging on to my new laptop and it is still a black screen, it makes an excellent mirror. Or, rather, a horrible mirror. It does not show me what I want to see.
I am well enough to exercise again, at least gently. Certainly well enough to stop binging on carbs.
It is a cold gloomy day and my husband has the car, but there is plenty of fun to be had with the kids indoors. Bring on the dance!
Oh, and my mum is visiting tomorrow so there is lots of cleaning to be done. That has got to burn a few calories.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Blah
Tuesday:
Husband, son and I all down with flu. Husband by far the worst. Nothing to write about that doesn't involve mucus.
Husband, son and I all down with flu. Husband by far the worst. Nothing to write about that doesn't involve mucus.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
House of sickness
Thursday:
I kept my son home from school due to a nasty cough but it turned out he was fine, he was up and playing all day. On the other hand, my husband crawled back into bed after starting to get ready for work and didn't get up again all day. And in the afternoon I started to get all achy and had a nap on the lounge.
I tried to write this morning, but with a six year old boy wanting attention I got 27 words written in half an hour and gave up.
Hopefully we are all better tomorrow. It is the last day of term before the winter school holidays (2 weeks).
I kept my son home from school due to a nasty cough but it turned out he was fine, he was up and playing all day. On the other hand, my husband crawled back into bed after starting to get ready for work and didn't get up again all day. And in the afternoon I started to get all achy and had a nap on the lounge.
I tried to write this morning, but with a six year old boy wanting attention I got 27 words written in half an hour and gave up.
Hopefully we are all better tomorrow. It is the last day of term before the winter school holidays (2 weeks).
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Birthday
Wednesday:
It was my birthday yesterday! 43. I started this blog three years ago, actually two weeks before my 40th birthday. As that milestone thundered towards me I began a series of attempts to lose weight. Before that I'd only really tried once, that I recall, a low-carb diet that my mum suggested and paid for before my wedding. I lost 5kg and nearly my sanity. Grumpy and miserable the whole time. Over the past three years I've tried a few different methods, lost a measly 5kg but then maintained it with little bobs up and down on the scale.
I had a lovely day. Presents in bed (my main present was a new lap top to write my novel on), lunch at a fancy restaurant with my husband, play date with a friend after school and D&D games night. I didn't "pig out" at any one time but I was kind of eating all day. And yes I had cake! I also played with my new lap top and listened to the awesome Eurovision CD my daughter gave me.
Today was busy with two events at the school, one in the morning and one at lunch time. A lot of my day was either at the school or driving my husband to and from work so he could attend too. And the grocery shopping. But I found one hour for my first writing session and managed 536 words. I have begun! Generally I hope to write more like 800 words an hour, but I was still mucking around with the software. And stopping to gaze out the window of the library in a bit of a panic at what I have committed myself to.
I had very little to eat all morning and then a very late lunch (nearly 2pm, I usually have lunch around 12) and I was really hungry for about four hours before I got to eat. Genuine hunger, with stomach rumbles and everything. But you know what? I didn't die, or even faint or anything. I was hungry at 10 and even hungrier at 11 but then stayed about the same until I finally got my late lunch. And it was so good! Hunger is survivable. Actually, in the past I have had some problems with mood swings if my blood sugar drops but I was ok today. I'm feeling in control.
It was my birthday yesterday! 43. I started this blog three years ago, actually two weeks before my 40th birthday. As that milestone thundered towards me I began a series of attempts to lose weight. Before that I'd only really tried once, that I recall, a low-carb diet that my mum suggested and paid for before my wedding. I lost 5kg and nearly my sanity. Grumpy and miserable the whole time. Over the past three years I've tried a few different methods, lost a measly 5kg but then maintained it with little bobs up and down on the scale.
I had a lovely day. Presents in bed (my main present was a new lap top to write my novel on), lunch at a fancy restaurant with my husband, play date with a friend after school and D&D games night. I didn't "pig out" at any one time but I was kind of eating all day. And yes I had cake! I also played with my new lap top and listened to the awesome Eurovision CD my daughter gave me.
Today was busy with two events at the school, one in the morning and one at lunch time. A lot of my day was either at the school or driving my husband to and from work so he could attend too. And the grocery shopping. But I found one hour for my first writing session and managed 536 words. I have begun! Generally I hope to write more like 800 words an hour, but I was still mucking around with the software. And stopping to gaze out the window of the library in a bit of a panic at what I have committed myself to.
I had very little to eat all morning and then a very late lunch (nearly 2pm, I usually have lunch around 12) and I was really hungry for about four hours before I got to eat. Genuine hunger, with stomach rumbles and everything. But you know what? I didn't die, or even faint or anything. I was hungry at 10 and even hungrier at 11 but then stayed about the same until I finally got my late lunch. And it was so good! Hunger is survivable. Actually, in the past I have had some problems with mood swings if my blood sugar drops but I was ok today. I'm feeling in control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)