Thursday:
I had a much better night - didn't keep myself awake coughing! - and this morning I did some thinking before I got out of bed.
The food plan I am on (designed to fix blood sugar levels) is quite strict and prescriptive, and I often fall short of perfection. You could argue (I don't mean you personally, but it seemed odd to use "one could argue") that it would be better to try a more flexible plan that is easier to stick too. Some people like to aim so low that they cannot fail, then they can build on that good feeling. But I prefer to aim high. Then even when I have slips and stumbles, I still achieve high.
It's like if I was still at school and doing regular tests and quizzes. Should I plan to get 50% and then be happy with that because I hit my goal? Or perhaps fail to achieve even that goal, as I might if I was being so casual about it? No! I aim for 100% and try hard. But when I get 90% I'm still happy. I'm not perfect, and that is a good score. Not getting 100% every day doesn't mean I've failed.
That doesn't mean I can aim for 90% as being more realistic. I still have to aim for 100% to get 90%.
I am losing weight on this diet. I need to keep aiming for perfection, but being ok with getting a few things wrong.
The other thought that followed on for this is that life is not pass/fail. A healthy diet is not pass/fail. You CAN fail a diet if you repeatedly eat all the stuff you shouldn't. But a few mistakes is not an automatic F for the whole diet, or the rest of your life. Maybe I got an A on Monday and Tuesday and a C yesterday. I didn't plunge into binging and I still ate healthy food for two of my meals.
Moving on to today, while eating my healthy breakfast I read an article in New Scientist about whether or not we need breakfast. The answer seemed to be "maybe"! If you eat breakfast, you eat more in total over the whole day, but you also move more. If you don't eat breakfast, you eat a little more at lunch time but not enough to compensate, and you unconsciously move around less so burn off less calories. Breakfast or no breakfast had no effect on weight loss. They suggested that if you were going to be very sedentary and didn't need to think much, like sitting on a plane all morning, then it would be fine to skip breakfast. But children didn't do as well at school without breakfast, so you might need it as brain food. And eating breakfast seemed to help future diabetes outcomes. Overall it sounded like it's better to eat breakfast.
But what should we be eating for breakfast? The idea of cereal being a healthy start to the day, and later of bacon and eggs making a great breakfast, were from marketing campaigns (Mr Kellogg and the pork industry respectively) so have little basis in reality. The article just said that more study was needed on this part. I'm sticking to protein plus fruit/veges.
What I ate today:
B: roast beef, cucumber, tea (back to no sugar).
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: cheese and cashews.
D: spicy chicken, broccoli, cucumber.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Nine: funeral
Wednesday:
Today was not a great day.
This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.
Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.
We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.
I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.
Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.
When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.
What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.
Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).
Today was not a great day.
This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.
Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.
We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.
I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.
Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.
When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.
What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.
Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Eight: better
Tuesday:
When I woke this morning I felt like I was going to be sick forever and it was hardly worth getting out of bed. But by lunchtime I was feeling almost normal. Yay!
Daylight Saving ended here on the weekend, I'm still getting used to the changes in sleep and eating patterns. But did well today.
What I ate:
B: yoghurt with passionfruit, tea.
L: taco salad, tea.
S: tomato soup, apple, cheese and crackers.
D: roast beef, potato, broccoli, cucumber.
Water: 12 cups.
Afternoon is a tricky time. I tend to get a bit hungry, and when the kids get home they are allowed to have treats from their Easter Basket/Showbag. It's hard to watch and resist. I generally leave the room. Today I had to go and eat an apple. Then a bit later both children were eating cheese and crackers and I had some. It eroded my calorie budget for dinner a bit, but turned out ok.
Jasmine got her first term interim report card from school, the equivalent of an A in everything except Geography where she got a B. Excellent report! She also had a Chinese oral test today which she did well on after practicing with her Aunty Ping. Apparently the main negative in the test was that she doesn't speak loudly or clearly enough. She is very shy and this has always been a problem when she has to speak publicly. She is very diligent with her homework. I'm glad she's settled into high school so well.
When I woke this morning I felt like I was going to be sick forever and it was hardly worth getting out of bed. But by lunchtime I was feeling almost normal. Yay!
Daylight Saving ended here on the weekend, I'm still getting used to the changes in sleep and eating patterns. But did well today.
What I ate:
B: yoghurt with passionfruit, tea.
L: taco salad, tea.
S: tomato soup, apple, cheese and crackers.
D: roast beef, potato, broccoli, cucumber.
Water: 12 cups.
Afternoon is a tricky time. I tend to get a bit hungry, and when the kids get home they are allowed to have treats from their Easter Basket/Showbag. It's hard to watch and resist. I generally leave the room. Today I had to go and eat an apple. Then a bit later both children were eating cheese and crackers and I had some. It eroded my calorie budget for dinner a bit, but turned out ok.
Jasmine got her first term interim report card from school, the equivalent of an A in everything except Geography where she got a B. Excellent report! She also had a Chinese oral test today which she did well on after practicing with her Aunty Ping. Apparently the main negative in the test was that she doesn't speak loudly or clearly enough. She is very shy and this has always been a problem when she has to speak publicly. She is very diligent with her homework. I'm glad she's settled into high school so well.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Seven: weigh-in
Monday:
I'm making Monday my weigh-in day even though I didn't start my BSD until Tuesday. I weigh myself every morning, but this is the official one.
Starting weight: 83.0kg
Today: 81.4 kg
I am happy with a loss of 1.6 kg (3.5 pounds). It's a lot, especially considering a few days a bit off plan, but some is "water weight".
Today I stuck to my plan.
Breakfast: poached eggs, cucumber, orange, tea.
Lunch: chicken thigh, tomato soup.
Snack: Apple.
Dinner: taco salad.
Water: eight glasses today.
I really love my taco salad! Pile of shredded lettuce and tomato, spicy mince, jalapeños, salsa and tasty cheese. So yummy. I've saved a little mince for tomorrow's breakfast.
Health is still iffy. I had to lie down for a while in the afternoon. But I got the grocery shopping done, and guitar practice, and meditation (that turned into more of a nap), and folded some of the overflowing baskets of clothes, and watched Jasmine dance at her dance school's open night.
Tim is also struggling through the last of this illness, but luckily both children bounced back after only about 24 hours unwell. Lucky buggers.
I'm making Monday my weigh-in day even though I didn't start my BSD until Tuesday. I weigh myself every morning, but this is the official one.
Starting weight: 83.0kg
Today: 81.4 kg
I am happy with a loss of 1.6 kg (3.5 pounds). It's a lot, especially considering a few days a bit off plan, but some is "water weight".
Today I stuck to my plan.
Breakfast: poached eggs, cucumber, orange, tea.
Lunch: chicken thigh, tomato soup.
Snack: Apple.
Dinner: taco salad.
Water: eight glasses today.
I really love my taco salad! Pile of shredded lettuce and tomato, spicy mince, jalapeños, salsa and tasty cheese. So yummy. I've saved a little mince for tomorrow's breakfast.
Health is still iffy. I had to lie down for a while in the afternoon. But I got the grocery shopping done, and guitar practice, and meditation (that turned into more of a nap), and folded some of the overflowing baskets of clothes, and watched Jasmine dance at her dance school's open night.
Tim is also struggling through the last of this illness, but luckily both children bounced back after only about 24 hours unwell. Lucky buggers.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Six: Reframe
Sunday:
(morning)
My weight was a tiny bit up this morning. I feared much worse. I've decided to reframe my three days of stumbles. Because you know what? I started a new diet while quite nastily sick (and Tim sick too and now Jasmine has come down with it) but it doesn't affect appetite AND with a houseful of leftover Easter chocolate AND my hormones seem all messed up because I've had my period for eleven days and counting but I've still lost weight every day except today - quite a significant amount in fact. So I'm calling it a win against the odds instead of a fail because I'm not perfect.
I seem to be having these worry/frustration dreams even when not having night sweats, now. Just about every night, often several a night. It's starting to concern me a bit. Am I so full of stress and anger? Some of the more memorable include Jasmine being pregnant at twelve, being caught in a tidal wave, getting angry with Aiden because he was trying to reverse park the car and not doing a good job (he's nine), my mother being really annoying and me telling her to f*ck off (a scenario even more unlikely than the others, even if she was still alive).
Last night's dream was funny enough to relate, although it was annoying to experience. I was trying to get guests to the house help me remember how to use the weird toilets here. There was one in a cupboard up high above the fridge that I wasn't sure how to get to. There was one in a kitchen drawer that I was very puzzled by - I showed the guest, and it turned out to be a teacup, with a teabag in it, in a box. The two guests weren't paying much attention to me because they were watching a TV sports show that involved people dressed up as horses, so they weren't helping. Frustrating.
And then I was putting on a pair of cream coloured jeans but when I got them on they were normal blue and were also too tight so I was looking for the cream ones and frustrated that I would have to take off my hiking boots to change again.
I won't bore you with more. But is this normal to have so many like this? I'm not aware of being concerned about anything other than my health during the day. Maybe everyone has them all the time but most people don't remember their dreams. I remember a lot of them at the moment because I wake frequently during the night.
Anyway, did well today. Had guests for dinner so ate a little more than usual. Still feeling pretty tired and yuck, but a lot better than yesterday.
What I ate:
Breakfast: Yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
Lunch: Homemade tomato soup. Mixed nuts.
Snack: Cheese, tea.
Dinner: Pork ribs, salad, potato, cheesecake.
Water: eleven cups.
(morning)
My weight was a tiny bit up this morning. I feared much worse. I've decided to reframe my three days of stumbles. Because you know what? I started a new diet while quite nastily sick (and Tim sick too and now Jasmine has come down with it) but it doesn't affect appetite AND with a houseful of leftover Easter chocolate AND my hormones seem all messed up because I've had my period for eleven days and counting but I've still lost weight every day except today - quite a significant amount in fact. So I'm calling it a win against the odds instead of a fail because I'm not perfect.
I seem to be having these worry/frustration dreams even when not having night sweats, now. Just about every night, often several a night. It's starting to concern me a bit. Am I so full of stress and anger? Some of the more memorable include Jasmine being pregnant at twelve, being caught in a tidal wave, getting angry with Aiden because he was trying to reverse park the car and not doing a good job (he's nine), my mother being really annoying and me telling her to f*ck off (a scenario even more unlikely than the others, even if she was still alive).
Last night's dream was funny enough to relate, although it was annoying to experience. I was trying to get guests to the house help me remember how to use the weird toilets here. There was one in a cupboard up high above the fridge that I wasn't sure how to get to. There was one in a kitchen drawer that I was very puzzled by - I showed the guest, and it turned out to be a teacup, with a teabag in it, in a box. The two guests weren't paying much attention to me because they were watching a TV sports show that involved people dressed up as horses, so they weren't helping. Frustrating.
And then I was putting on a pair of cream coloured jeans but when I got them on they were normal blue and were also too tight so I was looking for the cream ones and frustrated that I would have to take off my hiking boots to change again.
I won't bore you with more. But is this normal to have so many like this? I'm not aware of being concerned about anything other than my health during the day. Maybe everyone has them all the time but most people don't remember their dreams. I remember a lot of them at the moment because I wake frequently during the night.
Anyway, did well today. Had guests for dinner so ate a little more than usual. Still feeling pretty tired and yuck, but a lot better than yesterday.
What I ate:
Breakfast: Yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
Lunch: Homemade tomato soup. Mixed nuts.
Snack: Cheese, tea.
Dinner: Pork ribs, salad, potato, cheesecake.
Water: eleven cups.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Five: fast food
Saturday:
The good news is that I've lost 2 kg in the first few days on the BSD (blood sugar diet), despite my slips. The bad news is that after 12 hours in bed last night I got up, had breakfast, and felt so awful I climbed straight back under the covers for the rest of the morning.
Unfortunately my neighbour chose this morning to mow his lawn, then use something that sounded like a wood chipper or maybe an angle grinder basically right outside my bedroom window, then he moved on to maybe a whipper snipper. When that was finally over, our dishwasher was churning and sloshing and then Jasmine decided to practice the guitar. I got up a little after noon not very refreshed by my "nap". Feeling grumpy and resentful.
There is a lot of smoke choking our little valley, I hope it is a deliberate burn-off and not something destructive.... Tim checked and it is a controlled burn so that is ok.
Tim got KFC for lunch because the kids wanted it and I didn't object. I have no good excuse. I am disappointed with myself. Feeling like turbulence has turned into a engine-failure uncontrolled dive headfirst into the ground. I've got to stop using feeling sick as an excuse. Or sad. Or bored. Or stressed. Or whatever. Life happens, and will continue to be unpredictable.
At least the good Easter chocolate is all gone. I will put out all my little eggs tomorrow for guests.
I am dreading hosting family dinner this weekend, but I wanted it to be here because it was my brother's birthday this week and I invited him along (and didn't know I'd still be sick). Darren hasn't replied to my invitation - email is the only way I can communicate with him and then only if he goes to the library and checks because he doesn't have internet at home. Or a working phone. I assume he isn't coming. And it's a bit late to ask my sister-in-law to host, she works on Sundays so would have no time to shop or prepare. Really hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow. Otherwise I guess it will be a last-minute cancel.
The good news is that I've lost 2 kg in the first few days on the BSD (blood sugar diet), despite my slips. The bad news is that after 12 hours in bed last night I got up, had breakfast, and felt so awful I climbed straight back under the covers for the rest of the morning.
Unfortunately my neighbour chose this morning to mow his lawn, then use something that sounded like a wood chipper or maybe an angle grinder basically right outside my bedroom window, then he moved on to maybe a whipper snipper. When that was finally over, our dishwasher was churning and sloshing and then Jasmine decided to practice the guitar. I got up a little after noon not very refreshed by my "nap". Feeling grumpy and resentful.
There is a lot of smoke choking our little valley, I hope it is a deliberate burn-off and not something destructive.... Tim checked and it is a controlled burn so that is ok.
Tim got KFC for lunch because the kids wanted it and I didn't object. I have no good excuse. I am disappointed with myself. Feeling like turbulence has turned into a engine-failure uncontrolled dive headfirst into the ground. I've got to stop using feeling sick as an excuse. Or sad. Or bored. Or stressed. Or whatever. Life happens, and will continue to be unpredictable.
At least the good Easter chocolate is all gone. I will put out all my little eggs tomorrow for guests.
I am dreading hosting family dinner this weekend, but I wanted it to be here because it was my brother's birthday this week and I invited him along (and didn't know I'd still be sick). Darren hasn't replied to my invitation - email is the only way I can communicate with him and then only if he goes to the library and checks because he doesn't have internet at home. Or a working phone. I assume he isn't coming. And it's a bit late to ask my sister-in-law to host, she works on Sundays so would have no time to shop or prepare. Really hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow. Otherwise I guess it will be a last-minute cancel.
Four: temptation
Friday:
I was feeling better yesterday, but much worse today. Bleugh. Not just lack of sleep, but I also didn't sleep well. My peri-menopause tablets say to reduce the dose (from four a day) once your symptoms are under control, but any time I take less than four - either deliberately or because I forget - symptoms return straight away. Worse sleep and weird dreams last night. I think I'll stick to four for a while. But mainly I think it's just this headcold refusing to budge. Feel sick and miserable. And I had to do a little shopping, and managed to crush my fingers in the freezer door at the supermarket. Great day.
I have a confession to make. After posting last night's blog, I started to think about chocolate. I struggled with it for at least an hour, determined to stay strong, but eventually gave in and ate half a chocolate bunny. "They" say cravings fade if you resist them for 5 or 10 mins or whatever and do something else, maybe that works sometimes but certainly not all the time for me. The desire just gets stronger. The moment of giving in was interesting, from an outside point of view; I felt sudden relief and delight, excitement, my mouth started watering, and I enjoyed the chocolate so much!
If this whole episode was due to some underlying addiction (and it did feel like that, both the craving and the indulgence) then presumably I will go through this again in another few days. Any ideas for conquering it? Small dose to wean myself off? It was evening, I probably should have just gone to bed instead of trying to distract myself.
....later
My meals were good today but I had a huge "snack" in the afternoon including the rest of that chocolate bunny. Wasn't hungry, just tired and sick. It is just after 8pm, I'm going to have a bath and go to bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.
What I ate:
Breakfast: bacon, cucumber, tomato, tea.
Lunch: chicken, grapes.
Snack: chocolate, watermelon, cheese sandwich.
Dinner: steak, salad.
Water: 4 cups. Dismal.
Good night.
I was feeling better yesterday, but much worse today. Bleugh. Not just lack of sleep, but I also didn't sleep well. My peri-menopause tablets say to reduce the dose (from four a day) once your symptoms are under control, but any time I take less than four - either deliberately or because I forget - symptoms return straight away. Worse sleep and weird dreams last night. I think I'll stick to four for a while. But mainly I think it's just this headcold refusing to budge. Feel sick and miserable. And I had to do a little shopping, and managed to crush my fingers in the freezer door at the supermarket. Great day.
I have a confession to make. After posting last night's blog, I started to think about chocolate. I struggled with it for at least an hour, determined to stay strong, but eventually gave in and ate half a chocolate bunny. "They" say cravings fade if you resist them for 5 or 10 mins or whatever and do something else, maybe that works sometimes but certainly not all the time for me. The desire just gets stronger. The moment of giving in was interesting, from an outside point of view; I felt sudden relief and delight, excitement, my mouth started watering, and I enjoyed the chocolate so much!
If this whole episode was due to some underlying addiction (and it did feel like that, both the craving and the indulgence) then presumably I will go through this again in another few days. Any ideas for conquering it? Small dose to wean myself off? It was evening, I probably should have just gone to bed instead of trying to distract myself.
....later
My meals were good today but I had a huge "snack" in the afternoon including the rest of that chocolate bunny. Wasn't hungry, just tired and sick. It is just after 8pm, I'm going to have a bath and go to bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.
What I ate:
Breakfast: bacon, cucumber, tomato, tea.
Lunch: chicken, grapes.
Snack: chocolate, watermelon, cheese sandwich.
Dinner: steak, salad.
Water: 4 cups. Dismal.
Good night.
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