Consultation

I am no longer going to say how many days and weeks I have been doing this - I am the same weight I was when I started 9 months ago so it is just depressing.

After all my regular walking, I have had a very bad week. I think I missed 5 days out of the past 7, though morning appointments, rain, and ill health. I still could have/should have walked during the day most of those day - but I didn't.

My shoulder is gradually getting better and I need to start physio again. I'll ring tomorrow for an appointment. I should have done it a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling slack and tired and uninspired this afternoon.

Probably because a friend of mine who has just qualified, after 4 years Uni, as a nutritionist. Is that the right term? Diatetics? Anyway, she knows what she is talking about when it comes to nutrition. And, at my request, this afternoon she started the process of getting me on a healthy diet. We went through what I eat. It was easy to see I eat way too much fat: lots of chocolate and cheese and meat. I know what I should be doing, but I just don't do it. Lately I have fallen further and further into bad habits. I give in to everything. I am about 25kg (more than 50 pounds) overweight and I really really need to do something about it. I feel fat and tired and unattractive. I don't want my husband to see my naked, or even touch me in case he feels all that fatness. I have a family wedding in a month, on my mother's side where every single person other than myself and my mother are thin and athletic. We are the fat smart ones. I don't see most of them except every second Christmas, and I feel so out of place amongst them. I always hope to be thinner but every time they see me I am fatter.

I do the weekly grocery shopping tomorrow. I need to make some plans tonight and shop for healthy food tomorrow. I need to plan for the danger times, like lunchtime when I never know what to have, or morning and afternoon tea when I reach for unhealthy snacks instead of fruit. Tomorrow I walk, and I track my food, and I eat healthily without depriving myself. And I have to do it every day for the rest of my life and that is a very depressing thought. I know I am in totally the wrong frame of mind. I feel like a failure before I even start. So I need to work on my mind-set too - just one more thing I need to fix about myself!

W33 D7 - Hills and valleys

This morning, instead of doing my usual half-hour walk, I did a short warm-up walk around the block then tackled a hill. There is a path leading from out street down to the next one, and it is not long but quite steep. I walked up and down it 10 times. I nearly quit at the end of the first one, not because it was hard (first lap was easy) but because there was a man standing at the top of the path with his dog, politely waiting for me to pass so he could walk down, and I felt a bit silly just tapping the railing and turning around to go down again. But I pushed down my feeling of foolishness - what is wrong with being seen exercising! - and did it, and he politely asked whether up or down was harder when I passed him on my way back up again soon after. I said up, and he thought down was harder because of sore knees. That was all we had time for as we crossed, but I was glad I had my 40 year old knees not his 70 year old ones!

Laps 2 and 3 were harder, I started to breathe heavily and sweat, but after that it was much the same until the last couple. Laps 9 and 10 were just boring, and also my calves were getting a bit tired. I got home after a little more than half an hour, but rather more strenuous exercise than usual. And it didn't hurt my shoulder.

I didn't think I had gone that hard, but a couple of hours later my calf muscles started to stiffen up and now they are quite sore so I must have done some good work.

The day took a bit of a downhill turn when we were heading home after the kids swimming lesson (usually I go in the pool with Aiden, but today I was feeling exhausted - more evidence of good work this morning - so I took Tim's job and watched Jasmine instead, she doesn't need anyone other than the instructor in with her). I was tired and hungry and really wanted Kingsley (a local version of KFC) but my husband said no. I know he was just trying to help my weight loss efforts, and keep himself and the kids healthy too, but I wanted it! I really resented that he was being the boss of me. I felt very cross and even had to fight back tears. We didn't argue in front of the kids, but I was feeling a bit bad tempered. When we got home, I had about 700 calories worth of toasted cheese sandwiches and felt full but not satisfied. I wanted that salty fatty fried chicken and chips. Still do, really, even though it is now after dinner.

I'm still a bit torn about this incident, my husband is not the diet police - but on the other hand it wasn't just me that would be eating it so he gets a say. And I shouldn't have that junk - but it isn't every day and I ended up eating a lot of not-much-better without satisfying my craving.

W33 D1 - 82.2kg

I seem to have somehow dropped that extra kilo and a half in a few days. Yay!

I am doing a bit better with food and still walking every single morning, even in the rain.

I am getting inspired by Australian Biggest Loser Families, which started this week. There are four families: red and blue teams with the original trainers Michelle and Shannon; a black team with the Commando who has had guest spots in previous years dragging contestants out of their beds at 4am for brutal boot camps and the like - he has his own team this year; and a white team with newcomer Tiffany who is all about martial arts and who used to be "Angel" on Gladiator. I love watching!

My shoulder was a bit extra sore for a day after getting my cortisone injection on Thursday, but has since been much better. It doesn't heal the tear, but it reduces the inflammation and therefore the pain. I have been much happier and sleeping much better. A knock on the shoulder still has me crouched on the floor weeping. But getting better!

W32 D4 - 83.7kg

I weighed myself about a week ago and hoped that 83.7kg was a momentary abberation, water retention or something, but a few days later (and straight after going to the toilet) it was the same. Clearly just walking for half an hour a day isn't enough to even maintain my weight at the levels of food I am consuming. So on Monday I started tracking again. So far one good day, one bad day.

Something that seems to affect my food consumption for the rest of the day is breakfast. I always have breakfast, after my walk, but if I have cruskits (with the nutritional value of cardboard) I eat more and worse for the rest of the day. If I have something a bit more lasting, like toast and fruit, I do better. I've been trying to wean myself off cruskits for years, but I love the crunchy saltyness (with vegemite), and eating in the morning is hard for me. Nevertheless, something to work on to set me up for the day.