Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! Joy and peace and love to you all.

Natalie

Monday, December 9, 2019

Work experience

Tuesday:

Jasmine came to my library to do her work experience last week. It was great having her there. The other staff showed her various things but she also spent a lot of time with me on a couple of major projects. I think she enjoyed her week.

One of the things we worked on was preparing for a storytime. Jasmine helped choose the books and music, helped prepare the craft activity (cardboard Christmas-tree ornaments) and we made musical instruments out of rice in balloons so the kids could shake along to "Jingle Bells". At the end of the session the children presented me with a huge card that they had all drawn on and told what they liked best about coming to the library. How lovely! Of course it was not just for me, Lyn has done most of the storytimes until the last few, and everyone helps when needed, so I left the card in the tea room but took photos for myself. (This is one of several pages.)

It was my last week at the library for the year. I'm a casual, so I don't know yet what is happening next year, neither do they. I brought all my stuff home, and they gave me a poinsettia (flowering pot plant) to thank me for my help this semester - it felt a bit too much like a farewell! But I hope I'll be back next year, whenever someone takes a holiday. There is going to be a bit upheaval in the department that owns the libraries next year, so even permanent staff don't know what will happen.

We put up our Christmas tree, and I've done a tiny bit of Christmas shopping. Still a lot to do!
Aiden suddenly looks like a teenager instead of a little boy. He has shot up, his feet are bigger than mine, he seems to be growing a moustache, and his voice is breaking. I'm not sure what his school report card will look like this year, he is smart and does well in class but doesn't do much homework or complete assignments if they have to be done at home - too addicted to computer games - and I'm not home to make him. We'll all have to make more of an effort next year to get him studying, and away from the screens. Jasmine has had advance notice that she got seven As and four Bs, (while doing dance, band, and competitive acrobatic gymnastics before and after school!) she doesn't know it but she'll be getting an award on Presentation Day next week. 

My weight remains stable, around 73-74kg. I've stretched out my script for Duromine (phentermine) by going on and off it. It only supresses my appetite strongly if I take a break, then it works for a couple of weeks. I have a few left but stopped taking it five days ago. I've been so tired that I've been having a couple of naps every day since I stopped work. As far as the internet can tell me, phentermine not addictive and has no withdrawal symptoms (unless you really abuse it with high doses and inject it or something), I used to be this tired sometimes before ever starting phentermine so I think taking it was masking my sleep apnoea issues. Also I have in the past had pernicious anaemia because although I eat plenty of red meat etc I don't absorb vitamin B12 very well. I couldn't find the B12 brand I had been taking and I think the alternative I found didn't work so well, I had some odd symptoms (tingling feet, mouth ulcers, muscle weakness, the exhaustion) and found that they can all be attributed to the low B12. Without B12 you can't produce healthy red blood cells. So I'm back on the "good" pills that you dissolve under your tongue instead of swallowing and I'll see if I improve within a few more days or it's back to the doctor. 

Saturday, November 30, 2019

Doing something right

Sunday:

Jasmine had her Year 10 Formal (end of year school dinner and dance) this week. She looked beautiful. I can't believe she is nearly 16! We had her hair professionally done and it looked amazing. (Very expensive though!) She and her friends took a limo to the function centre which was on a clifftop down the coast a bit. I think I've been to a wedding there. I took lots of photos at home of course, including of her spinning by the pool.
There was a vote at the Formal, and a few people were given "Miss Universe"-type sashes. One of Jasmine's friends was given "Best-Dressed". Jasmine was given one that says "Quiet but Crazy". 

At the moment I feel like I must be doing something right. In an exercise at a mental health seminar at school, Jasmine was supposed to write something she hated about herself on a piece of paper and then screw it up and throw it away to symbolise not letting those feelings have power over her or something. Anyway, she couldn't think of anything she hated about herself!

And Aiden brought an essay home in which he said he liked my cooking better than restaurants, and on Friday I suggested getting takeaway but he wanted me to make dinner at home. A fine compliment from a 13 year old boy!

Jasmine is coming to my workplace for a week of work experience next week. Hopefully that will be fun for both of us. I wrote up a program for her that had her mainly under my supervision but I was told to change it and share her around with other library staff. I'll mostly only work with her on preparing and presenting a storytime with the little kids. We often have work experience students, but mostly they are older and studying for library specific degree - like me last year. A lovely girl, Carlie, just finished her time with us yesterday. It was great of my boss to accept Jasmine, a Year 10 student. My old boss wouldn't, last semester, because she was worried if she had to discipline Jasmine I would get mad!

It will be my last week of work this year, and I don't know what is happening next year. Hopefully there will be more work for me when term starts. But there will be big upheavals in the structure of TAFE soon and no-one knows what is going to happen. I may be looking for work again. At least I have some real experience now to put on my resume, and more people to offer as referees.

Bushfires haven't threatened my home, but the air quality has been horrible from fires further north. Choking smoke and dust. Magnificent sunsets though.
It's the first day of summer today but we're going to have a fairly cool week. The weather is all over the place. Hopefully the firefighters can keep us all safe.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Catastrophic fire danger

Tuesday:

The kids' school and my workplace are closed today due to the risk of bushfires - I don't know if that has ever happened before. The library I work in is right next to a National Park. My colleagues are working at a different location but I stayed home to be with the children. We are on the highest risk rating, "catastrophic". The forecast is for 37C, which is not unusual for Australia, but also very windy and we've been in drought for a long time so everything is very dry. There are dozens of bushfires further up the coast and several people have died and many homes destroyed. I'm not really sure what makes today different and such a high risk for the Sydney area, when there are actually no fires nearby, but I assume the RFS know what they are talking about. Stay safe everyone.

A few days ago my boss came over to my desk and said she had bad news for me. I assumed it would be to say she couldn't accept my daughter for work experience in the library after all. But no, it was that they have received a new directive that they can't hire casuals (to replace permanent staff on leave) during the TAFE holidays. They only need one or two people in the library over the break so they have to use permanent staff. As I am casual - almost constantly employed full time so far - it means about 8 weeks with no work over December/January. I said that was fine, no problem. Inside I was jumping up and down in delight! I never wanted to work during the school holidays anyway, it's such a hassle to organise things for the kids, but I was agreeing to be obliging. I'm still making myself indispensable. I want to always be the first person they choose to hire! For example I'm doing most of the little kids' storytimes now even though I still find it scary, the usual person has been on leave or busy and no one else wants to do it. Anyway, so the "bad news" was really good news for me.

Update 7:30 pm: still no fires on this side of the river, but there is currently one in the National Park right next to my work. Possibly only couple of hundred meters away. Small but not yet under control. It’s around 10-15 mins drive away from home. Something to keep our eye on.

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Teenager

Sunday:

My baby turned 13 today. I can’t believe I am the parent of two teenagers! He went with his friends to Underworld Laser (one of those places you run around in the dark shooting at each other) then they came back here for a pool party. We hadn’t been in the pool yet this year (I still haven’t), we’ve had some very hot days but not on the weekend or when the water was clean and balanced. And then it gets cold again. We got the water temp up to 24C today (I prefer around 30) with the solar heater and the boys seemed quite happy to jump in.

Now they’re inside playing “Cards against humanity” in the next room and it’s hilarious but I feel a bit worried other parents wouldn’t approve. They are all only 13. You play cards with phrases on them in combinations to be as funny as possible - often offensive or very rude. “I’m going on a cleanse this week, nothing but kale juice and ....” and then you pair that with “autocannibalism” or “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle” or whatever card from your hand you think will be funniest. So much laughter! So inappropriate! There is one boy who doesn’t know what quite a few of the words mean, I’m quite proud of Aiden for being able to explain them sensibly.

There will be a lull after they go, then I’ll start preparing for a family dinner for 18.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

Logistician

Sunday:

I spent a couple of months doing a project at work, and near the end a colleague kept asking if she could help. I didn't really want her to, but after a certain point it would have been rude for me to keep saying I didn't need help so I gave in. And then got very frustrated when she kept doing things her own way (i.e. wrong) instead of mine. I spent quite a bit of time venting at home. Then last weekend I did a personality quiz '16 Personalities' which confirmed I am ISTJ (Introvert, obServant, Thinker, Judger) which I knew from doing the quiz long ago, a Logistician. And the information about that type started with a quote from George Washington:

"My observation is that whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty... it is worse executed by two persons, and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein."

So appropriate!

Jasmine got the braces off her teeth yesterday. She is still getting used to it. She says her teeth feel weird.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

As usual

Thursday:

I haven't had much to write about... life goes on as usual. I've been down with a nasty flu for the past week. Mostly better now except for a lingering cough. I stopped taking Duromine while sick, I hadn't lost any weight since the first two weeks on it anyway, and after a couple of nights the peri-menopausal night sweats came back! Every night since then. So the Mirena obviously hasn't made any difference there, not that anyone said it would, I was just hoping.

The Mirena (IUD that releases hormones, supposed to be safer than "the pill" at my age) is still uncomfortable, the strings jab and jab me. I couldn't get an earlier appointment with my gyno than the 3 month check up, the receptionist told me to see my GP if I needed help. Hmm.

Jasmine has her Year 10 end of year formal (dinner & dance) coming up, we went shopping for a dress today but didn't find anything. Most of her year got their dresses months ago apparently, all very adult slinky things which Jas thinks is inappropriate for her age and doesn't want. She rejected anything low cut or too clingy - not because she doesn't like her body but just because she is 15 and thinks it's silly to dress like that. We did buy a lovely sundress that she would be happy to wear but I don't think it's formal enough for evening.

It's school holidays, and when Aiden isn't on the computer or iPad he's out in the garden creating a bow and arrow out of sticks and vines. After a lot of trial and error it's pretty good! He's always loved sticks, they can become anything in his imagination. I had to make a rule when he was littler: "sticks don't cross the road" because he would try to bring them home from the park and I felt we had enough of our own.

We've also been playing board games and today we bought a jigsaw puzzle as we had all enjoyed the one Tim gave me for my last birthday. This one is of a bookcase (of fantasy books) with little fairies and dragons and other magical things scattered around the shelves. We've done all the edges.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Competition

Friday:

We just got back from a week in Queensland, where Jasmine participated in a National Gymnastics competition. Her part, Acrobatic Gymnastics, was held over four days with all the different levels and age groups. It was a real challenge for her trio, they had been competing at level 3A (and came 4th in the state) but the National competition started at level 4 so they had less than a month to learn some more difficult skills and change their routines. They’ve been working really hard. Unfortunately in their first routine they fell out of the tower skill after less than a second (you have to hold it for 3 seconds) and lost a lot of points. Abbey, the little ‘top’ of the trio was very upset. But they came back strong in their second routine and I was very proud of them.

I don't have the professional photos yet, this is a blurry still from the video I took.
 And a couple of shots of our club's highest level athletes.
The big excitement was that Jasmine’s club, Acrogym, came first overall! We are the Australian National champions!
We didn’t get much time off from watching and supporting the team, but we did manage a little time at the beach, and one morning at SeaWorld. And we had a lovely view from our hotel.
I only gained 0.5 kg which I was very happy about considering we ate out every meal, plus some snacks. We did do a lot of walking. But also a lot of sitting!

I had a funny time at the doctor's last week. I'd only seen her once before, a month before when she gave me a script for Duromine (phentermine). At that appointment she didn't weigh me, I told her I'd weighed 77kg that morning and she accepted that figure.

At this second appointment I told her that I had lost 3kg in the first two weeks, nothing in the second two weeks. She put me on her scale, which she couldn't get to work for a while - probably flat batteries. When I finally stepped on, it showed 68.7 kg, a huge loss. I tried a couple of times to insist it couldn’t be right, I hadn’t lost that much, I had weighed myself at home on my usual scale. But she didn’t seem to listen and just kept praising the loss and I gave up, I’m not very assertive. But it means she has that on my record now and the next weigh-in is going to be very disappointing!

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Butterfly mug

Wednesday:

Not much to write about today. I had the day off and spent part of it shopping for summer clothes for the kids (most of which I'll probably have to take back if they don't fit!) as we are visiting Queensland soon and it is much hotter there, and they both seem to have grown out of all their clothes. I might not have time to shop with them before we go. Early spring weather in Sydney wavers between cool and warm.

For myself bought a new mug for work. It has a weird-looking handle, but is comfortable to hold.

I've been doing some more gardening. So much to do! And have been spending a lot of time working on my novel. Still not actually writing the text yet though! I keep having thoughts about what religion is like there, the animals and plants, how you domesticate a cave dragon, what motivates my characters etc. I want to get all the backstory worked out. I struggle with making up good fantasy names, but I can't write properly until I do. I can't get inspired while calling someone X or 'father' or 'girl'. I'm well advanced on that side now and feeling pretty good about it.

I see my doctor tomorrow after a month on Duromine (phentermine). I lost 3kg in the first two weeks but then nothing since, in fact I've struggled to not regain. So I'm not sure what she'll say. I'm sleeping better and feeling better, so I'd like to stay on it for a while longer.


Sunday, September 1, 2019

Spring

Monday:

Yay for Spring! First day of Spring yesterday and it was a lovely warm sunny day. It was also Father's Day, so the family (Tim's side) met in the park for a picnic ... along with about a million other families! It was quite lovely to get out.

Then today, as I had the day off, I spent a couple of hours working in the garden, and I have the blisters on my hands to prove it!

My boss called about the roster this week, I'll be working in the other library (not where I was last week), and she asked if I'd like her to take my milk over since she was going there. Only a couple of us have milk in our tea/coffee so there wouldn't necessarily be any there. I was just going to buy more but I'm getting rather paranoid. Are they all watching me to make sure I don't waste milk? I'm sure they are all just trying to be nice to the new girl! Maybe I should just offer to be a designated person to keep both offices supplied with milk...

I'm trying to get started writing my new novel. I wrote one a couple of years ago but I feel I can do a lot better the second time. I've been thinking about the plot on and off for a year or so, and the past few weeks I've been taking it more seriously and working out names and backstories etc. Time to write the actual words! It is fantasy fiction (again).

Friday, August 30, 2019

Milk

Saturday:

My weight is disappointingly up a little bit this week, 74.0kg. I blame the freezing rainy windy weather. I only got out for one walk all week. And I eat when I'm cooped up and bored. On the plus side, I am still sleeping well with no night sweats.

There are six women I work with over the two libraries, all friendly helpful people. But I'm having a slight problem with Stacey, who I was in the same library as for the first time this week. She is … too helpful? Or just doesn't listen? It started with the milk. I brought in milk to have in my tea, not knowing if there would be any there already. Stacey fussed because there was already milk in the work fridge that I could use, so I should take mine home again. But it turned out the choices were milk that was already several days past its 'best before' date (she made me sniff it and agree it still smelled ok); or her skim milk, when I prefer full cream milk, and it was right on it's 'best before' date anyway; or a frozen solid bottle defrosting on the sink that was mine from two weeks ago that someone put in the freezer - but I had no way of knowing if it had been frozen straight away or after it got old. So I wanted to keep my fresh new milk. She kept fussing and fussing about it, I should take it home so it wasn't wasted. I had plenty of milk at home, and this was a couple of dollars worth, and I didn't want any of the other three choices! My polite rebuttles were not heard.

The first day I conveniently 'forgot' to take it home with me. The next morning she started in again. Really? And she checked with me as I was leaving that I hadn't forgotten again. So I had a brainwave. I took the frozen/thawed milk of doubtful freshness home with me, and left the new one at work. And tipped the old one down the sink when I got home. And tipped the really old one down the sink at work. So we're down to two bottles at work, my fresh one and her out of date skim milk. She hasn't mentioned it again (yet).

The second incident was I had ordered a book I wanted to read from another library a couple of weeks ago, then I had a week off work. Stacey mentioned that it had come in while I was away. So she sent it back. What? She didn't keep it for me for a week, or (maybe not knowing when I was coming back) contact me to let me know it had arrived so I could come in and pick it up? She just … sent it back.

And finally, a very trivial incident on its own, she asked if I wanted some herbal tea she had just made. I said no thanks. So she gave me some. I guess I have to start being a lot more assertive.

But the milk thing was pretty funny.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Sunshine

Saturday:

My weight is down to 73.7kg, a loss of 0.6kg. Not as dramatic as week one, but that is to be expected.  And I didn’t do any exercise, I was sick early in the week then wasn’t allowed to exercise for three days after the Mirena procedure. I should be fine to exercise now. My eating has been mostly good, we had pizza one night and I’ve had a bit too much chocolate.

It’s been gloomy and cold and windy all week but now we’ve got a warm sunny weekend which will be lovely. We all need to get out into the sunshine. Tim went back to work midweek but stayed home again yesterday, he’s really had a nasty flu. We did some gardening today.

We had the electrician here during the week to replace many of our ancient faulty light fittings. He’d done a few rooms since we moved here, this time is was our bedroom, the lounge room and the kitchen. Amazing how much lighter it is when the lights actually work! Maybe the PlayStation will be able to see me when I dance now.

The ceiling lights are pretty standard, but I chose some pretty wall lights. The old:
vs the new (yes that is a different background wall):

My four weeks off has shrunk down to one and a half. My boss keeps adding days. It seems like I don’t need to worry about not getting enough work.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Mirena

Wednesday:

Jasmine’s trio came 4th overall in the State (level 3A) in Acrogymnastics, an excellent result. They came 3rd in the Balance routine and 5th in the Dynamic routine - they made an error in spacing and Abbey kicked Sienna as Jasmine swung her around. Whoops. Otherwise they probably would have been 3rd overall. Nationals is in a few weeks - but the lowest level you can compete in there is 4 so the trio have a few new skills to learn! They’d already been doing some level 4 skills in 3A. After Nationals the teams will all be reshuffled, Sienna is getting taller but Jasmine is not growing any more - they need to be the same height to toss little Abbey around. And some gymnasts will be ready to move up a level.

My first week off hasn’t been much fun so far. Tim was still home sick until today and Aiden was home on Monday. Flu is kind of gross, and doesn’t allow a bedmate much sleep with all the coughing and snoring going on next to you. Thankfully everyone finally seems well now. Also yesterday I had a minor procedure that left me a bit traumatised. Sorry for TMI in next paragraph.

I finally got to see my gynaecologist, and I had a Mirena inserted. It’s a modern IUD (interuterine device) that works as a contraceptive but releases hormones at a low dose which is better for older ladies like me than the pill. You’d think I’m unlikely to get pregnant at 49 and in the midst of menopause anyway, but it happens! And I got pregnant straight away when I was trying. Also the Mirena might help my menopause symptoms, but it will be hard to tell as the Duromine has fixed that for the moment. She told me insertion might be ‘uncomfortable’ and that was a bit of an understatement. She prised open my cervix then pushed the IUD in through a plastic tube, then it opens out into a T shape. I thought the ‘discomfort’ was over but then my body started cramping in response to having a piece of plastic in my uterus. This is normal, but unpleasant. As well as the pain I felt really weepy. I got myself home and rested, and I’m fine today. Except I can feel the string (that they pull the Mirena out with, in 5 years) inside me, and the end seems to keep jabbing me. I don’t know what it’s made of. If it doesn’t stop very soon I’ll have to go back and get the strings trimmed or something. Am I supposed to not be able to feel it? I have plenty of nerve endings in there! (I just checked online, the strings are supposed to soften and curl up, otherwise you can get them shortened. Some people’s partners complained it poked them during sex!)

Today I’ll be hanging around the house all day as I have a tradesman here replacing lots of light fittings. No matter how many times I close the front door it’s open again two minutes later. It’s winter! Cold AND flies! Hopefully from tomorrow I can get out and enjoy myself.

Friday, August 16, 2019

It's working

Saturday:

After one week on Duromine (phentermine) I am down to 74.3kg, a loss of 2.7kg in the first week! Awesome! I know half of that is water weight, but who cares? The first week is so motivating. My clothes already fit better and my stomach is less bloated. No cravings for junk food, and although I get hungry at mealtimes I'm satisfied with less, and I can wait for the meal instead of having a snack to tide me over. Hunger seems less life-or-death when it is not paired with cravings.

Perhaps best of all is I've had a whole week with no night sweats! I don't know why Duromine has that effect for me, but it nearly always does. I have some other sleep issues but I'm getting so much more sleep than I was, I feel normal again - tired at the end of the day instead of exhausted all the time. A human again instead of a zombie.

We saw an echidna last week on a family walk to the local shops, in a tiny pocket of bushland beside the road. I've never seen one in the wild before, not for certain. It's a prickly creature like a hedgehog or porcupine. It and the platypus are the only two mammals in the world that lay eggs. It was bigger than I expected. You really do see kangaroos all the time in Australia, in Canberra I've seen them on the school oval or literally hopping down the street, but echidnas, koalas and platypus are much more elusive.
I've finished this block of work at the library, the original plan was that I have four weeks off before they need me again, but they may actually need me earlier. Either way is fine, as long as I get this week off! I need a haircut, and I've got a tradesman coming to fix our dodgy lights, and a few other things lined up. It's hard to get everything done when you're working.

I ran storytime at the library last week. Although it is an adult education institution, we teach childcare (so why don't the students do it?) and there is a childcare centre next door. They come over once a week. Lynn usually does the storytime but was needed elsewhere, Maya refuses to do it, so they asked me. I was really nervous when I ran it once last year as part of my work experience but I was fine this time. They are just kids - 23 of them! 3-4 year-olds.
I chose a theme and read them "You can't take an elephant on the bus" to which I added lots of little comments (did you know a blue whale's tongue is a big as an elephant?), got them up to dance to "Going to the zoo" then another story "Too many elephants in this house." Then we coloured in - guess what!? - a picture of an elephant that could be turned into a mask. It all went very well. And I got a comment from a bystander on how nice my singing voice is, which was lovely of them. 

Sickness has struck the house again. Jasmine was home the last three days, luckily she is mostly better as she has the State Final Acrogym competition this afternoon! Tim came home early Thursday and is still feeling awful. I stayed home yesterday (so I'll have to go to the library next week to hand in my keys and pick up my stuff) but wasn't as bad as them, and I'm fine today. Aiden seems to have dodged it so far.

I saw this tip on English spelling at work and it made me laugh:
"i before e - except when your foreign neighbour Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird."


Saturday, August 10, 2019

Hello new library

Saturday:

I started a post about two weeks ago but didn't get very far!

I've been in my new libraries for three weeks now. I've slotted in easily and I'm glad to be there. I'm working at two libraries, most of the staff rotate between the two, both are very close to my home so the short commute is great. The staff are lovely, which I knew from my work experience last year. Usually 2 people staffing the smaller library, 3 at the slightly larger. I've had two new sets of procedures to learn/remember. It's the same computer system as I'm used to, but just finding where things are kept (twice!) is a challenge. And some things are different in each place - like my old library stored some info on a Excel spreadsheet plus a card file, one of the new libraries has printouts in a folder, and one doesn't keep records of that particular information at all. My two current libraries have the same manager so why are they different? Arg! Anyway.

It already looks like I'll be getting more work than was originally offered, so that is great. Although I was kind of looking forward to some time off!

The work itself is fine, but I'm having a hard time nonetheless. My menopause symptoms continue (I haven't seen my gyno yet, don't know if she will be able to help) and I'm exhausted all the time. Tired and cold = hungry and my weight has leapt up to 77kg. Which I think has brought my sleep apnoea back. Which makes me more exhausted. Round and round we go. Most of my work clothes don't fit, or look horrible. So as of today I am back on Duromine. I just can't function like this, I am barely getting through the days. I know Duromine can disrupt sleep, as it did mine last time I tried it (before that it seemed to actually help me sleep) but we'll see. I know I'll lose weight and have more alertness and energy during the day. I'm walking every lunchtime and just started a Tai Chi DVD at home.

Sunday:

I was a bit wakeful during the night, but no night sweats! So that is a start. And the bathroom scales are showing a downward movement already.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Goodbye old library

Saturday:

So I turned 49 the other day, one year until 50. This year I am determined to focus on my health. Sleep. Exercise. More fruit and vegetables. Water. I have made a start on some of these things.

I had my last day at my old workplace yesterday. We shared a lunch and everyone seemed sad to see me go. It wasn't a bad job, and I liked the other staff. I have a week off now (it's school holidays, Tim stayed home with the kids the first week) then I start at my new workplace. Same job, different location. It's an improvement in every way - closer, higher pay, less busy etc - except that it has less job security.

I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. I've been in peri-menopause for years (it seems like I've been saying "at least five years" for a long time) and my main symptom is night sweats. At the moment it's nearly every night. I wake up all sweaty - and then get very cold because it's the middle of winter and being in damp pyjamas is no joke - and then I rarely get back to sleep. So I am utterly exhausted. Dragging myself through the days, going to bed before the kids at night. I'll be seeing my gyno but I couldn't get an appointment for another six weeks. I plan to take a lot of naps while I've got this time off, and also try some vitamin/herbal medicine.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Sluggish

Saturday:

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster - but it just made him sluggish.

It will be my birthday on Tuesday. So I haven't started my diet yet. Or lifestyle change, or whatever you want to call it. My challenge to be healthier by 50. I have a little party tomorrow and then a dinner out on the day. Then I'll start...

Two weeks left at my current workplace, then a week off (it will be school holidays) then I start at the other Library, four weeks on then four weeks off then (hopefully) another 3 months. Another good opportunity has just come up elsewhere that I'm also applying for. It is a great job with the downside of a longer commute. I'm thinking if they offer me the job I will ask if I can go part-time, five days a week but shorter days so I can get home before dinnertime to see my kids - and avoid the worst of the traffic too. We'll see.

A really bad flu has been going around. I had it and was sick for two weeks although I only took two days off work. Then Aiden had it and now Jasmine. She had this whole week off school, very unusual for her. I left her home alone most days but left work early. Today she came with me to do the grocery shopping but had to go and sit outside the supermarket while I finished and went straight to bed when we got home. She started to get sick last Sunday during an Acrogymnastics competition, her trio managed to qualify for the State Final but were definitely not at their best. Luckily it's a few more weeks to the Final, she's missed a lot of training.

The house and yard are shambles at the moment. We get no time during the week, and precious little on the weekends. Welcome to the working world.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

Disappointment

Saturday:

I went to my graduation last night. Because I studied part time, most of my friends from class graduated the year before, and one of them won an award for being best in the year. Ever since then I’d really really wanted to win it! I was so excited when I was told I was going to get an award. So I was so disappointed when it was “only” for being best at Cataloguing - shared with Lauren. Who also got best in Reference, and best overall. And last year we were both recommended for an internship,  and she won it. I know I should still be happy to get AN award but it wasn’t THE award.

So I was feeling a little vulnerable, and then Tim showed me the photos he took of me accepting my award and diploma. OMG. I had thought I was looking rather cute in my best librarian dress. But in the photos I looked old and dumpy and so very very fat. I was crushed. I felt awful for the rest of the night. My heart still sinks when I remember.

My weight has crept up to 74.8kg and I need to turn that around. But even at 3kg lighter than this, I think I thought I was thinner than I really was. Maybe in comparison to my biggest, I felt smaller. But I’m still more than 15 kg overweight. In particular I hate seeing side-on photos. My stomach is so big, it looks so unhealthy. I am very short, so my healthy weight is 53-58kg according to the charts.

I turn 49 in a couple of weeks. A year to 50. Time to get healthy so I can enjoy the second half of my life.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

News

Thursday:

First of all, my brother is fine. He knew about the scheduled procedure, and made it to the appointment, and they didn’t find cancer. He’s recovering at home. So that is good news.

Things got interesting at work. I had four weeks planned working at another location - same ultimate employer but different cluster of libraries - higher pay and closer to home. My manager had encouraged it from the start and her boss had approved it. I’d done all the paperwork. Then yesterday Human Resources told me I wasn’t allowed to do Higher Duties in a different cluster! So I had to make a decision. The new job was starting with four weeks, but probably offering around four months work over a six month period (with nice breaks in between) - after that who knows? The current job had just offered me another nine months. I talked to Tim and thought about it overnight, but didn’t have to think too hard. The new job has everything I want (other than job security) so I’m resigning from my current job so I can take up the other one. HR forced me into it! I let everyone know today, of course they were all very sad! I’ll still be there for a few more weeks, and who knows maybe they’ll want me back as a casual when I’m free.

Now I have a bit of experience I’m not really worried about getting more work.

I finished my Diploma of Library and Information Services a year ago, finally my Graduation ceremony is tomorrow. I have no idea why it’s a whole year later. Of course I got them to mail me the actual diploma a long time ago. I wasn’t going to go, too difficult to juggle the kids after-school stuff and get into the city after work. But when I didn’t send in an acceptance they called me to say I’m getting an award! So of course I have to go.

Friday, June 7, 2019

Worries

Friday:

I stayed home sick again today. Overall I feel a bit better, but I coughed half the night and woke with a horrible sinus headache, and I’m just constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose. Really not an appropriate time to work in a library, infecting everyone and making lots of gross noises. My little library is closed on Fridays so I was supposed to be back in the main library. At least they had two other staff today!

I had had a worrying phone call yesterday. A hospital was trying to get in touch with my brother Darren about him having a procedure at 6:30am the next day. So he’s put me as a contact, which is a good thing, but I couldn’t pass on the information because I can never get through in a hurry either!  His phone always goes straight to messages, which I don’t know if he even listens to, and it can be weeks before he reads emails. I think he rarely collects his snail mail too. He doesn’t like touching the mailbox. Or anything, really. He has OCD and a phobia of germs. It’s impossible. I could drive for an hour to his house, but I don’t know if he’d even be there or be awake. And it was too late anyway for this, the info included that he had to be fasting and what’s the point of telling him that 12 hours after the fast was to start? They’d probably been trying to call him for a week. After failing to get through to him all afternoon I tried to call the hospital back but I think they’d all gone home for the day. I missed a call early this morning that I assume was the hospital asking where the hell he was... and it will happen all over again when he reschedules.

Of course the real worry is that the procedure was a colonoscopy. Which I assume means a test for cancer. What the hell is it with this family and cancer? My father-in-law just had a biopsy and we’re waiting to hear how advanced his cancer is. And his wife has lung cancer. Both my parents (and Darren’s, obviously) died of cancer five years ago. I don’t have to worry about dying of heart disease, cancer will get me first.

Darren might not be comfortable with me knowing, at this stage. In my messages I didn’t mention that I knew what the procedure was.

He needs a phone that works. Maybe go back to a landline. And he needs to get internet access so he doesn’t have to go to the library to read his email. He needs to be contactable. I couldn’t tell him when Poppa got hurt, or about family functions, or anything.  He retreats further and further away from the rest of the world.


Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Am I feeding the virus?

Thursday:

I’m sick with a nasty head cold. I’d been dragging myself into work because there was no one else, but yesterday I stayed home and they couldn’t open my little library. I’ll be glad when Linh is back next week so there is someone else with a key and used to that library. I haven’t heard how she is but she’s on the roster for next week so must be better. I’m going in today. It’s really hard getting through the work day when you feel awful. And I have to work until 6. Urg.

I’ve been eating really badly. Comfort food. I was thinking last night about how there is a parasite that lives part of its lifecycle in rats, and part in cats. When a rat is infected, it becomes fearless and I think is also attracted to the smell of cat urine, so its behaviour changes to make it more likely to get eaten by a cat. The parasite gets to move into the cat body for the next stage of its life. The parasite controls the rat! Even though that kills the host! And that made me wonder about how I always eat lots of carbs when I’m sick, even though it makes me feel worse. Am I feeding Natalie, or am I feeding the virus? I’m going to start asking myself that question whenever I want to turn to stodgy food.

Another challenge is working late so often, four nights a week at the moment. Most quick foods I cook, or things my daughter knows how to cook, don’t have the leftovers I need for healthy meals for everyone the next day. But I’ve just rediscovered the slow cooker and since I start late I have time to put something together in that. I need to try some more recipes. I’ve only ever used it for casseroles.

Time to get ready for work. Aloe Vera tissues and hand sanitizer!

Sunday, May 26, 2019

More cancer

Sunday:

There's been some bad health news in the family recently - and at work too. My father-in-law Des has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and it has spread too much to operate on. They are going to treat him with hormones - which worries him a great deal, he jokes about getting breasts and turning gay but is obviously trying to cover how scared he is that he will be changed by it. The survival rate for prostate cancer is very good, 95% five years after diagnosis, but survival isn't the only factor in a happy life. And his wife (married this January) has lung cancer, also inoperable, she responded well to treatment but overall it's a big worry. They really need to move out of where they are living, which is on a very steep block and not at all friendly to people with old knees and arthritis and cancer.

We found out about Des a couple of weeks ago, Tim contacted me at work. I was staffing the front desk but had to leave for a while to get myself under control.

Although Jo isn't strictly my children's grandmother (step-grandmother?), as Jasmine said now all four of her grandparents have/had cancer. Both my parents died of it five years ago. Now Tim's dad and step-mother. His own mother died of complications from multiple sclerosis.

My workmate Linh has asthma and has been really wheezy for the past week, possibly due to a lot of smoke in the air as the city is doing controlled burns of bushland (forest) to protect from bushfires. My boss contacted me today to let me know that Linh had collapsed on the weekend and was in hospital - she wanted to tell us in person but had to let me know because it affected Monday morning - I'll be staffing the little library on Linh's days as well as my own until she is better. Poor Linh, she sounded so breathless last time I spoke to her on the phone on Thursday.

Appreciate the health you have while you have it!

Thursday, May 23, 2019

My own little library

Friday:

Hello again! I haven't had much to report on the weight-loss front; I've gained a couple of kilograms over Easter and Mother's Day. I actually haven't weighed myself for a few weeks. In denial. No formal exercise, but I move around quite a lot at work and generally get close to 10,000 steps. I know I need to do more.

Work has been keeping me very busy. We just had Library Week which included hosting an Australia's Biggest Morning Tea event, raising money for cancer research, in two libraries over two days. 200 people in one and over 500 in the other! Spread out over about 2 hours each time, but still constant work preparing food and running back and forth from the kitchen keeping the plates and milk jugs filled, collecting donations, running games and quizzes, cleaning up afterwards. I've got today off because I was exhausted! Actually I asked for half a day, but then the shutter people called to say they could install our plantation shutters, so I got the whole day. Luxury.

Work is going really well. After finishing my Diploma last year, I started work in March this year at a TAFE (adult education) library. The three tiers of responsibility/prestige are Librarian at the top, Library Technician in the middle, then Library Assistant. I qualified as a Tech but was only able to find work as an Assistant at first. But one of my colleagues is currently on Long Service Leave so I stepped up into her job - finally being paid/treated at a Tech! The biggest difference is that two days a week I'm staffing a quiet little library all by myself (back at the old library the other days). I think this shows my boss has a lot of faith in me. I only had about three hours handover so trying to work out where everything is is a challenge! It's mostly the same systems as at my previous/main library but I have additional duties because I do everything. I love having my own little library, I feel like the boss (actually my real boss manages four libraries so I still answer to the same person), but it is quite lonely not having other staff to chat to. Of course I talk to the students a bit but it's not the same as having a chat to people you see every day.

First morning at my little library, before anyone comes in:

Full of people for Australia's Biggest Morning Tea, held all around the country to raise money for cancer research:
This TAFE teaches Horticulture and the students maintain the gardens so it is quite pretty, it's a pity I never get to go outside! Being there by myself means I'm always available, I have lunch and breaks in the office where I can see if anyone needs me - luckily there are plenty of quiet times.

My "dream job" is doing the same duties but back at the TAFE library where I did my work experience last year during my Diploma. It's closer to home and also includes some cataloguing, which is my absolute favourite part of being a library tech and they don't do it in-house at the cluster I currently work in. And guess what! I got in contact with the manager there, who of course I'd met when I did work placement, telling her how keen I was to work there, she said there might be some casual positions coming up and she'd let me know. She did, I had a formal interview (along with a lot of other people) a couple of weeks ago and got rated as suitable to be on the approved applicants list. When preparing for the interview I read about the importance of thanking your interviewer the next day, which seemed weird and uncomfortable to me, too pushy and obviously "pick me!", wasting their valuable time. But the day I got the approval I emailed to thank her for helping make the process so stress-free and how much I was looking forward to maybe working with her in the future. And the next day she offered me a position! I don't know if the thank you triggered that, but it certainly didn't hurt.

It's not a permanent job, but it's as a Library Tech in July/August while someone is away (by then I would have dropped back down to Assistant where I am), with more work probably coming up later in the year. My current boss previously indicated that she would try to backfill my position there with a casual so I could come back to it, but even if she can't I think it is worth the risk. A month at work, a month off, two weeks on, two weeks off, two months on, Christmas off.... sounds perfect!! Actually looking at the dates that have been suggested, I would be working most of term time and not during the school holidays which really is ideal for me. Of course there always the chance I would end up not getting much work next year but I'll risk it. Getting my foot wedged firmly in the door!


Saturday, April 20, 2019

Easter Show and Pho

Saturday:

We went to the Easter Show yesterday. We watched some interesting stuff in the main arena - I was going to say agricultural displays but mostly it wasn’t! - like motorcyclists doing stunts, cattle dogs rounding up cattle, horsemen stabbing balloons at a gallop (simulating WWI combat), gymnasts doing tricks on horseback, and wood chopping competitions; bought Show bags and nougat; looked at prize-winning art and flower displays; and tried lots of free food samples. It was a good day.

Last Wednesday I didn’t have anything interesting for lunch so I wandered over to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant. I didn’t realise it only served Pho - noodle soup with your choice of meat - but that sounded ok so I ordered the beef. Yuk. Bland yet unpleasant. I ate only a little, went back to work and had my scorned sandwich. Next day the library team decided to go to lunch together as it was the last day of term and decided to go to... a Pho restaurant. A different more popular one that we had to drive to. Twice as expensive, only slightly better. I tried the chicken this time. Everyone else seemed to love it. I kept quiet and ate maybe a quarter of my small serve. All I could taste was coriander, which I don’t like. I kept thinking about my delicious Tim-made risotto sitting abandoned in the work fridge. Oh well.

Sad to say I don’t seem to like Korean either, going by a recent experience. Yet I enjoy Chinese, Thai and Malaysian, as well as many other culture’s foods - Mexican is my favourite. I like spices, but not many herbs. Coriander is just nasty!

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Hello again

Wednesday:

Hello again. I keep forgetting to post. Very busy with work plus all the other stuff that used to fill my days. Work at the library is going well. I have more experience so I don’t have to ask for help much, and I enjoy most of it - and the bits I don’t enjoy so much I still feel are contributing to the betterment of the world. Today I was sitting in the office (not at the circulation desk where we help people) and a student came to the door and handed me a little container of home made food and thanked me for taking lots of time to help her the other day. Wasn’t that lovely! It made me feel happy for the rest of the day, every time I thought of it. I’d already had lunch so I put it in the fridge to try tomorrow. I’m not sure what it is, something Middle Eastern. Kofta maybe.

I opened the library by myself today, coming in early and turning on all the systems and lights etc. Not difficult, but it’s a responsibility. I’d done it once before when Rita was sick, and I arrived 15 mins after we were supposed to open to find everything dark and patrons waiting at the door. I felt very flustered that day! This morning was much more relaxed. Another new responsibility is giving Library Orientation talks to class groups. That is stressful! I go through a PowerPoint of important info (how many books they can borrow, library fines etc) then show them around. I don’t know why they are only having Orientation now, at the very end of the term! I find public speaking nerve-racking, but I do ok.

I’ve been keeping an eye out for other jobs, just in case something really good came up. And I’ve been in contact with my boss from the library I did my work placement in, and she let me know of a job opportunity coming up there. Closer to home and better paid than this one. And they know and like me (and me them) so I feel like I have a good chance even though I don’t have a lot of experience yet. I was worried about telling my current boss (I had to ask her if she be a referee) considering she hired me only about six weeks ago, but she was lovely about it and even said if I got a short-term position they might be able to take me back afterwards. So I’m feeling very appreciated at the moment.

My weight has been stable, 71.8kg this week. I keep going on and off the Duromine (phentermine) because it is really disrupting my sleep this time around. But it does suppress my appetite, so after a few days off I try again.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Brain fog

Monday:

Well turns out I was getting sick on the weekend. I gradually got worse on Sunday. I went to work this morning but came home at lunchtime. Tummy a bit upset but mainly exhausted and brain fog. My boss wasn’t there when I left - she divides her time between several locations - and I’m not sure if I’m entitled to sick leave yet. I can make it up in flex time, if need be. Not worried about it.

Explains my low mood. I’m actually quite enjoying work. I certainly like seeing other adults and having a purpose to my days.

My co-workers all seem very nice. Rita has only been there a year, and worked in school libraries before that. I can see she would be great with kids. Friendly and helpful. Husband in the army, four year old daughter. We’ve bonded over trying to lose weight. She is quite a large woman, and has her sister’s wedding in six months. The sister has had some form of bariatric surgery to lose weight. I had thought she looked Polynesian, but turns out she is Chinese, she had an ancestry test done and was nearly 100%. Dubravka loves hiking, don’t know much else yet. Stern/caring mother type. Old-fashioned librarian! Linh has been working there for 20 years, single with a garden. Did she have a fiancée who died or did I dream that conversation (or see it in a movie)? Asthmatic, gets a bit wheezy after a flight of stairs. Caitlin started after I did and is part time so I haven’t talked to her much, youngish, unlike me has worked in other libraries. Lives inner-city, a bit rough around the edges.

I made up a table with eleven things to rate a job by (like travel time, job satisfaction, pay) and scored good, medium or bad for each. The current job got 2/4/5 (2 ‘good’, 4 ‘medium’ and 5 ‘bad’). I then thought about two positions I’d apply for if I ever see them advertised and gave my best guesses. One got 6/3/2 and the other 4/1/4 (2 unknown). It helps me clarify my thinking. This job is ok, but not somewhere I want to stay until I retire.

I missed my niece’s 6th birthday on Sunday. This week is Tim’s birthday then sister-in-law Ping’s, so I’d better be better by then!

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Week two

Sunday:

I've got through a second week of full time work. Not as stressed and exhausted as the first week, but still very tired at the end of each day. A bit disillusioned that I'm doing very little of the things I was actually trained for - like cataloguing and helping people with research. I'm doing basic library tasks like helping people borrow and return books; but a lot of my time seems to helping students with computer stuff that I have no training or experience in. Some I can do - like show them how to format an assignment and print it - but often they need more complex tech help that I have no idea about, like getting them wi-fi, or helping them use computer programs I've never even seen before. I watch my colleagues and learn. But it's not what I became a Library Technician for.

I spend about half of each day on the circulation desk helping students, the rest in the office doing things like creating a PowerPoint slideshow for Harmony Day and updating lists of resources we have for the teachers of each subject. My favourite is when I occasionally get to work with actual books - like when I noticed we had different editions of the same book shelved in different places so I corrected the call number for the misfiled one and printed new labels.

Well, if it's not the perfect job I need it as a stepping stone to a better one. Maybe something better will come up. But I know the computer side is a big part of libraries now.

I'm more exhausted this weekend than I was during the week. Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Long week

Sunday:

I’ve finished my first full week of the new job. It’s been a bit turbulent. On Monday there was heavier traffic than I was expecting and I was 15 mins late, which wasn’t a drama for them but I found it embarrassing since it was only my second day. Lots of new things to learn all day and then horrible traffic on the way home. I was stressed about my kids home alone, and stressed about all the before and after school activities I had to get them to somehow while working full time. I was physically and mentally exhausted and miserable, wondering if I could tough this out.

Tuesday was better, I felt I was getting the hang of things. But then Wednesday Tim had to get up early for a flight so I woke too, did the grocery shopping before work, and I was on the circulation desk all day (helping people, mostly on my feet) and I was so tired again I wanted to quit. Thursday I was on late shift so I got to lie down for 15 mins in the morning after getting the kids to school and doing some housework before work ... I felt less exhausted Friday so maybe I’m getting used to it?

The job itself is fine, I’m quite enjoying it and the people are nice. I’ll write more about that next time.

I didn’t take Duromine this week, I was worried it could contribute to anxiety (although it’s never had that effect on me before) and difficulty sleeping. I did sleep better without it. But I’m back on it now. I am really keen to lose a few more kilograms. I’m determined to fit into those lovely black trousers this winter!

Jasmine had exciting news, she moved up to level 3 in Acrogymnastics at the start of this year and now she’s jumped up to 3A. She will be in a trio for the first time, instead of a pair, one of two bases with a littler girl as the ‘top’. From 3A the competitions get more serious, they judge things like synchronicity and the dance elements as well as the lifts and throws. It means up to 9 hours a week practice instead of 4! And proper fancy costumes instead of the team uniform. And National competitions instead of just State! So proud of her.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Library Technician

Sunday:

I started my new job on Friday, my first paid position as a Library Technician. (Short history: I did a BA, then was a public servant for ten years, married and had two children and stayed home with them, did post-grad cert as an editor and did freelance work from home for a few years, then did Diploma in Library stuff which I finished last year.) Library Technicians do most things a Librarian does except the management and admin stuff. This job is essentially the same as I did for work experience last year, so I know the computer system and most of the procedures although of course every library is slightly different. There are four other staff in my office, and another new person is starting next week. They have been understaffed for ages waiting for this hiring freeze to end.

Everyone seemed nice and welcoming. I spent a lot of the day with my boss Angela who went through induction stuff (Work Health and Safety, computer systems etc) and got shown around bits of the campus at different times by all the others. It's the Library for a TAFE - tertiary education in things like child care studies, animal care, hairdressing, English for migrants, and High School equivalency. My job will be mainly helping students borrow and return books, use the computers and photocopiers, find stuff for research for assignments etc. Hopefully I'll get to catalogue new books. Apparently I'll be in charge of inter-library loans once I'm up to speed. Putting books back on the shelf. Creating book displays and helping plan and run library events.

 We have a tiny dingy tea room that we share with student services, not even on our floor of the building, useful fridge and microwave but not a pleasant place to eat so at lunchtime I went and sat in the shade in one of the courtyards. This is looking back at my building. There is a nicer bigger staff tea room in another building but you need a key and it wastes part of your break getting there and back.

I worked in the same suburb for my very first job many years ago, it is largely migrant from primarily Lebanese and Vietnamese origins - or it was back then. A lot of the female students I saw on Friday were wearing headscarves (Muslim?), and the three I helped find books about their home country for an assignment were from Lebanon, Yemen, and China. Quite culturally diverse, which is always interesting. Also the staff - of the five of us, my boss and I are of Anglo background (I am of English and Russian heritage), the others Russian, Polynesian and Chinese (I'm guessing by name, appearance and accent, I haven't had much time to get to know them yet.) No diversity in gender though! All women including the new Librarian starting next week.

I was so exhausted after my first day. My first full time work since I had kids. I'm glad I had the weekend to recover before heading into a full week.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Back

Monday:

It looks like I will start my new job on Wednesday if they can get the paperwork through on time. It's the same position as I did for my work experience so I should be able to jump right in, and hopefully less than 30 mins drive away. I'm still a little worried about it being full time, and I don't know my shifts yet, but I'm trying to focus on the happy and exciting aspects. I guess I'm nervous! I've got my useful notes together, and my 'work' mug for tea. I've used it for over 20 years, ever since someone gave it to me in a Secret Santa at work. I use a cup and saucer at home, but this mug is small and delicate so I like it. Amazing it's lasted so long.
I'll have to plan for extra cooking at dinner to have enough leftovers for lunch for everyone.

On Saturday I did some vigorous gardening, hefting bags of soil around and digging out entrenched recalcitrant weedy plants in preparation for putting in some new shrubs. After an hour of hard work I was gently spreading the soil around with the edge of the spade when bam! a horrible back spasm hit me and I nearly fell over. I've never had back issues before except for soreness from bad posture at a desk all day. This was like my whole lower back was clenched up. Painful. It's weird that it happened then, not when I was doing strenuous work, but I guess I was bending and twisting? I held myself up with the spade and waited but it didn't seem to be fading. After a few minutes Tim wandered outside so he helped me to the garden furniture so I could sit. The worst pain went after about 15 minutes but it is still a bit sore two days later after hot baths and massage and heat packs and pain killers. Sunday morning when I got out of bed it took me 5 mins just to shuffle to the bathroom. I probably need to strengthen my core - I've had non-existent stomach muscles since having kids.

I dropped to 15mg Duromine for a couple of days but started 30mg again today, although it probably wasn't the dosage's fault that I was stress eating! I weighed 72.1kg this morning, a gain of 0.1kg. I feel back on track today.

It's been about four weeks since I restarted my gym membership and I've been twice, less than an hour of exercise total. Partly due to having the flu, but mainly I just don't want to go. I'll try to get there tomorrow with my sister-in-law if my back is ok, for a gentle oldies class that has replaced Zumba (shakes fist in annoyance) but then I will cancel my membership. If I can't make myself go when I'm unemployed with all the time in the world, there is no way I'll manage it while working full time and still being a good parent (and taxi service for the kids!). But I need regular exercise, as my sore back is emphasising. Dance at home with the Xbox and walking in my lunch break maybe. I enjoy both those things.

Last weekend at family dinner there wasn't really enough roast meat to go around, this week everyone dropped out of coming over except my father-in-law so there are plenty of leftovers (you can't really divide up a leg of lamb before you cook it). I do wish I knew before about 3.30 in the afternoon how many people were coming for dinner! Some number between just the four of us and 19 people. Most often around 12. But at least it motivates us to clean the house every Sunday.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Two job offers

Thursday:

I got a call while I was shopping this morning. That job I won ages ago, supposed to start last October, to fill in for someone on maternity leave, but then there was a hiring freeze so it fell through. Well the freeze is over and they want me to start as soon as we can get the paperwork done, hopefully Monday! There's only seven weeks left before the real employee comes back, but who knows it could lead somewhere. I'm not looking forward to the 45 min drive through city traffic, but the job itself should be good. I'll be nearly full-time hours, the longest working days I've had for a long time. Tiring. Exciting but also rather scary.

I'm glad I've lost the weight I put on over Christmas, all the new clothes I bought last year will fit better.

And I'm glad I didn't sign up for a course I was thinking of doing.

The dry mouth side effect of Duromine was getting rather unpleasant, I skipped taking it today and filled my repeat script for the 15mg. I'll try going back down to that for a while. The 30mg didn't seem to be having an increased effect except for the dry mouth, in fact the past few days I've eaten way too much junk - a lot of chocolate. But that might have been getting over the flu and/or boredom. Soon I won't have time to be bored.

Later:

So.... when I was interviewed for the above job, there were managers of two branches doing the interviewing. This afternoon the second one called offering a job! When I told her the other one had already called, she laughed and laughed. It’s all a bit messy now. The first offer is further away and only for seven weeks, but she was very accommodating about my hours (I want to leave early two days a week to drive kids to sport) and has already put the paperwork in with admin - although I hadn’t signed anything yet. The second one is closer and until the end of June - more than four months, and could be extended - but the job is full time and she might not be as flexible about hours, and it will include school holidays.

The second manager called the first and tried to get her to give me up, but she wouldn’t, so I had to email her that I withdrew my acceptance and now I feel sick. I shouldn’t, they wasted months of my time when I could have been looking for work! This is only a day. I hope I made the right decision. I’m unlikely to start Monday as there are police clearances etc and this would have been the case with the other one too. What if full time is too much? Now I have to think about school holidays - and we won’t be going to France any time soon. And there’s the kids before and after school activities. I’m all churned up.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Sick

Monday:

I lost 0.7kg this week, down to 72.0 and I'm happy with that. I've been sick with a mild flu since last Wednesday (Tim now has it too) which usually encourages me to turn to 'comfort food' ie carbs and fat so I did well. Also this strain of flu seems to be a real mood downer, both Tim and I have felt quite depressed. I have eaten more chocolate than I had been the previous few weeks (it was also Valentine's Day last week) but otherwise have eaten healthily.

I'm feeling in limbo again about work. I’ve been accepted for casual work ‘on nomination’ whatever that means - I assume that they will call if they need me. So I just wait around.... I’m not enjoying the uncertainty at all. Of course I’m still looking for permanent work, but there is not a lot available for someone with no experience, so getting some casual work would really help me get a permanent position. I’m bored and lonely at home alone all day. Or maybe that is just the flu talking.

I have a few projects to keep me busy. We plan to go to France sometime soon (we've been talking about it for years, ever since we did a Contiki tour of Europe on our honeymoon) so Tim and I are brushing up on our High School French. Jasmine has learned some Italian and Spanish at school which are in the same family ('romance languages') as French and is learning with us on the app Duolingo. I plan to take up guitar again, Tim gave me an acoustic guitar years ago and I was doing quite well learning but then stopped. Since then I bought him an electric guitar - which is thinner so my bosom and stomach don't get in the way so much - but when I tried to tune it last week I broke a string. I have also been teaching myself to use Excel spreadsheets since a couple of jobs have mentioned it and it would be handy to have a basic knowledge.

I also plan to create a book of all our favourite recipes to give a copy to each child when they eventually leave home. I have to remember to photograph each meal.

Aiden left for a three day school camp this morning. I'll miss my baby.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Placebo

Wednesday:

I only lost 0.1kg this week, even though I increased my Duromine dosage midweek, however in the two days since my official weigh-in my weight has started dropping again so I’m happy.

I just watched Dr Mosley’s show about placebos. In his experiment, building on the work of others, he told a group of back-pain sufferers that they would be randomly allocated either a new powerful painkiller or a placebo. They wouldn’t know if they got the real medicine or not. In fact everyone got a placebo - a pill with rice flour in it. Three weeks later something like 46% had shown improvement, some were now completely pain free. He told them it was a placebo, but many continued to get benefit even when they knew there was no active ingredient in their medicine. The only known thing that made it more likely to work was having more quality time with the doctor who gave it to them.

Another study was done with people on lifelong toxic immunosuppressants after an organ transplant. They were given a nasty drink every time they had their medicine (pink milkshake with lavender oil, dyed green). After a while their body associated the drink with the medicine, and just taking the drink  caused their body to react as if they had had the medicine as well (but wouldn’t they still get the side effects in that case? They didn’t say). Dr Mosley tried this on himself by drinking the same nasty milkshake and taking a caffiene pill every day for a week, then testing his reaction times. Sure enough after a week just drinking the milkshake was enough to speed him up - and make him feel a bit jittery.

I plan to do this with my Duromine. I only expect to be on it for two more months but I won’t be at my goal weight even if I lose an optimistic kilogram a week. But if I do something - it has to be something you don’t usually do... what about a blood sugar finger prick test? Little stab of pain and the ritual of checking... then I can keep doing that when I stop taking Duromine and my body should suppress its own appetite.

We are having an insect invasion today. This morning Jasmine’s school bag was full of tiny ants, I found and sprayed the trail coming from a ceiling light. And sprayed again an hour later when they kept coming. And I’m squishing an ant climbing my leg or investigating my water glass about every 4 or 5 minutes, but I can’t see where they are coming from now. And I’ve swatted six flies, and there is another one swooping around. And I stomped on a cockroach, we hardly ever get them in the house here. Very weird. And there is a wasp lurking outside the back door today, I’ll have to look for the
nest. I don’t know what is going on today.

I went to the gym this morning and did 20 mins on treadmill/rower/elliptical. Exhausting. I’m so unfit.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Up and down

Monday:

I lost another 0.5 kg this week, bringing me down to 72.8kg. Not as much as I was hoping, I admit, but it’s true there were a lot of temptations and a few treats this week. Jasmine’s birthday party, her actual birthday and then her family dinner, and family celebration for Chinese New Year. I never ate a lot, but some sugar crept in. Speaking of which, I’ve managed tea without sugar for three weeks now (my record is six weeks), still not used to it, but I learned to appreciate it more after yesterday trying tea without sugar OR milk. Yuck! Bitter and horrible. Probably not cause and effect, but I then spent the whole morning lying on my bed with waves of sickening nausea. I think I’ll keep my tiny splash of milk, thank you.

I tried the tea without even milk because I am trying TRE - time restricted eating - where you extend your overnight fast, which means I don't snack after dinner and I often don't eat breakfast (I do if I'm hungry, or if I'm worried about not having access to healthy food when I do get hungry). The internet is divided if a splash of milk in my essential morning tea - 14 calories - breaks the fast and undoes all the benefits. After my one day trial I'm just going to have my tea with milk and not worry about it.

Wednesday:

By the middle of last week my weight was down to 72.7kg then overnight bounced back up to 73.2, nearly where I started. I didn't worry, daily fluctuations are normal. I was hoping it was just a blip and would disappear as quickly as it came, it didn't but by Monday I was down to 72.8kg, a moderate loss of 0.5kg for the week. Then yesterday the scale bounced back up to 73.3kg.... half a kilogram reappearing by magic (black magic obviously). Arg! This weight is pretty much what I maintained at for a lot of last year before I put on weight over Christmas, clearly it is my body's current 'set point'. I know if I keep up the low-carb calorie deficit it will shift eventually.

I've had no energy and I've been sitting around reading and watching TV a lot. I think low calorie or low carb was making me feel weak and tired and a bit listless (depressed is much too strong a word, but I didn't feel much motivation to do anything). I still haven't got back to the gym. I've also started to feel a bit hungrier and was finding it harder to resist temptations. So today (after a biggish breakfast and a couple of hours of reading instead of going to the gym) I decided to increase my Duromine from 15mg to 30mg and took an extra pill - this was always my doctor's plan, to start with 15mg then increase - and I already feel more energetic and chirpy. I bustled around doing some neglected housework and when the doorbell rang I positively bounded downstairs. So we'll see how this goes.

I came across some photos of me from just after we moved three years ago. I must have been at my highest weight then and I looked awful. So puffy and unhealthy. I'm so much happier with current photos, even one of me in a swimming costume by the pool. It's only 3 or 4 kg difference, but it makes a big difference to my eyes.

A section of our fence blew down in a big storm and it's in the process of being fixed, but in the meantime our neighbours dog Casper keeps wandering into our yard. I don't mind, he's a nice old Golden Retriever, about 15 years old and very gentle. He can't get into our pool area so he's safe. His owners have a pool and he loves swimming with them (Retriever's were originally bred to retrieve shot ducks from water, they love swimming) but I'd worry if he went in unsupervised. He's currently having a good sniff outside my window.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

High School

Thursday:

My baby started High School yesterday! I can't believe he is in Yr 7 already.

The rest of the school didn't go back until today (sports uniform on Thursdays).

Yesterday was Jasmine's birthday. There wasn't any movie we wanted to see so we decided to stay home. We watched some Glee (we're up to Season 4, we watched on TV when it was originally on but now we're enjoying it again) and did a craft project she gave me for Christmas, matching tote bags.

I avoided most treat food temptations - so many this week! - but did have one slice of French toast for breakfast and another small piece of ice cream cake in the afternoon. The Duromine is still working really well at the lowest dose to suppress appetite and cravings. I know I have had a few bits and pieces but honestly I've been surrounded by tempting unhealthy food and I've resisted most of it. I've lost all the recent extra weight and I'm back to the weight I was for my long plateau, I only got lower than this very briefly early last year. It's so good to be losing again, and I'm feeling mentally strong. It is Chinese New Year this weekend (my sister-in-law is Chinese) and I know there will be my favourite roast duck... very fatty but at least it's low carb! 

I spent part of the morning yesterday filling in forms. I may be getting some casual library tech work at a TAFE (tertiary education). While I was doing my work placement at a local TAFE library I met the boss of another cluster of libraries briefly. Turns out she needs a pool of temps to draw from, my supervisor recommended me, so she sent me the employment forms. It really is who you know. This group of TAFEs are about an hour's easy drive away on the highway, not through city traffic, and since Aiden is now leaving for school an hour earlier than he was I can be there from when the library opens until early afternoon and still be home for the kids. So hopefully some work does eventuate. 

Monday, January 28, 2019

Wedding

Monday:

I lost another 0.8kg this week, down to 73.3kg. I am mostly happy with smaller portions of healthier food, a couple of days I've been hungrier and I've just eaten a bit more. Some days I have breakfast, some I don't. Sometimes I have a snack in the afternoon, sometimes not. I always stop eating for the day straight after dinner (maybe with one chocolate from my Christmas stash for dessert). No evening snacks. And I've given up sugar in my tea (yet again). It's not the same. But worth it. My waist is down to 95cm.

My father-in-law's wedding was yesterday. Everyone was really concerned about the heat, the forecast was for about 37C. We got there an hour early to help set up and it was stinking hot. The plan was for the ceremony to be on the (unfinished) balcony with the rest of us on the grass but the promised strip of shade was tiny, not even enough for one row of chairs. We expecting nearly 50 people.

I just resigned myself to it and the kids and I helped inside in the air conditioning setting up the tables for dinner.

I should have made sure I got a photo of me with decent lighting! I was in my prettiest dress.

Luckily by 4.30 when everything was ready the sun had moved enough to get two rows of chairs in the shade, the rest were squeezed up on the balcony, and also it had cooled down a bit. The bride and groom decided on non-traditional attire! They looked great. Jasmine was a ring bearer along with a grandchild of Jo.

As soon as the ceremony was finished and they were signing the official forms, the looming skies opened and it began to pour rain (or 'piss down' as we say in Australia). Everyone ran for the house, leaving behind their chairs which we needed for the dinner despite me trying to get people to take them in. Me and a couple of other people went back and forth dragging them in. Someone even asked me to fetch the bag they had left behind in their rush! I don't mind the rain though, much better than heat.

The dinner was catered and quite good as these things go. Carved roast meat, a few hot dishes like lasagne, lots of salads. I ended up eating only a few hundred extra calories - but mostly in the form of sugar; dessert and a lemonade. It didn't make me feel great.

The wedding cake was unfortunately a bit of a disaster. Despite it being ordered weeks in advance and the baker contacted the day before, it wasn't ready and my sister-in-law had to wait around and stand over them while it was finished to a very poor standard. The 'cream cheese icing' was just tangy cream cheese like you'd put on a cracker not on a cake! The cake was overcooked and it didn't look professional at all. I don't think anyone ate more than a bite or two. My 2-year-old niece was so excited at the pink icing swirls until she tasted it then spat it out. Bit of a shame, but I don't think anyone cared much really. It's only cake. And we'd already had dessert.

The rain continued to pour and the flat front yard, with cars parked all over it, was a shallow lake. I raised the issue of bogging to the owner of the house and he checked outside then advised everyone to move their cars out to the shoulder of the road. By the time we left at 9.30 we had to wade to the car through ankle deep water up the long gravel driveway. I was the only one with dry feet - I was wearing boots! We had to dodge frogs on the road, but we made it home through the downpour. We heard today that the owner of a three-ton motorhome waited too long to move it and got bogged. They stayed overnight and tried again this morning only to dig it in deeper. They are going to have to winch it out.

Despite all the little disasters all these events tend to attract, it was a good day and I think they are well suited to each other.

Jasmine is about to turn 15 and she had her party today. Pool party with friends this afternoon, pizza (I made myself and Tim a healthy dinner and have stayed away from all the snacks, but I did have a slice of ridiculously expensive icecream cake) and two girls have stayed for a sleep over. They will be up watching movies half the night. Apart from providing food, I no longer need to organise anything. Her actual birthday is Wednesday which is Aiden's first day of High School but she doesn't start until the following day so we'll spend the day together.