Saturday, April 30, 2016

Thirty three and thirty four: The Entrance


We spent the weekend at The Entrance with Nick, Ping and little Emma. It's a town on the beach a couple of hours North of home. It didn't start auspiciously at all. We booked our accomodation more than a week ago, and as we got closer to the time we found that the forcast was for rain all weekend! Nick and Ping were staying in a cabin at a campground, we had a serviced apartment. We didn't want to be confined inside the whole time.

There was a lot of traffic getting out of the city and we didn't get here until 1pm - Nick and Ping came earlier and already had lunch before we got here so we didn't meet up yet. We didn't know where to go to eat. We were on what we thought was the shopping strip on the Main Street, but there wasn't much open. Seemed odd for a Saturday. We eventually went to a crowded cafe, it turned out to serve what I would call hippy food. All organic bean sprouts and macrobiotic chicken. Tim and Aiden both loved their lunch, mine was partly to my taste and partly not (and I gave a lot of the nice bit to the kids so I ended up a bit hungry), Jasmine couldn't find anything she was willing to eat. So after a while I walked with her up to the local pie shop. It had literally four pies left sitting in the warmer, and all stuff Jasmine didn't like, like curry beef. We walked a bit more and I bought her an American muffin. It was raining and a rather gloomy.

Time to check into our accomodation. But there is no reception desk!?? We reread the confirmation email and it turns out we have to pick up the key elsewhere, from a locked box in town, for which they had sent us the passcode. Bugger. But the benefit was that at least we then found the true heart of town, down by the beach of course! We got our key and came back to find it didn't work. Couldn't get it to turn. So there followed an hour and a half of trying to call people, leaving messages, waiting for someone to call back, waiting for the guy to get here, and of course messages back and forth with Nick and Ping as to why we still couldn't meet them yet. The guy's master key wouldn't work either! But luckily he was able to give us another room and finally we got to go down to the shore. I was a bit annoyed that it was 4pm already! But at least it wasn't raining any more.

The Entrance is where the sea meets Tuggerah Lake over big sand flats that you can walk on at low tide. Lots of pelicans! We just missed the pelican feeding time.

The shore front is pretty, with playgrounds for children, grass, palm trees, benches, and lots of restaurants. Ping and I sat and had a snack and a chat while the menfolk looked after the kids, then walked a little before going to an Italian restaurant for dinner. The food was very nice (I had pasta with a spicy tomato, olive and bacon sauce). We came back to our room and the kids ignored the cold to have a quick swim in the pool before bed. So the last few hours of the day were pretty good.

Until Tim's allergies attacked, obviously something in the room, maybe the ancient sofa. He spent the rest of the night sneezing and blowing his nose.


We woke to the sound of heavy rain and thunder. But by the time we'd packed up and gone back to the seafront to find breakfast, it was merely drizzling. I had a lovely brunch of bacon and eggs. Then Nick and Ping wanted to go fishing, they had brought their rods with them. I found the rest of the morning boring and cold (I gave Aiden my jumper to wear over the top of his own so he wouldn't freeze, he has no body fat for insulation) but on the up side the kids got to try fishing with little hassle or expense. And Aiden caught a tiny fish.

At noon we decided we'd had enough fishing and left them to it. The drive home was a bit nasty, I was driving and missed a turnoff when we got to Sydney and was forced into the complicated city streets. Tim took over and we managed to navigate back home, the trip taking about half an hour longer than it should have.

The weather and the hotel debacle made it not an ideal weekend, but still better than camping! And I think it was a nice area.

I didn't focus on my diet over the weekend, but neither did I binge like Friday. I just ate normally. My tongue is a bit sore though, too much sugar (three cups of tea with brunch!). We have family coming over for dinner tonight. I'm making roast lemon chicken, yummy, dessert doesn't really appeal to me right now.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Thirty two: carb binge


Total carb binge today. Toast, cheezles, cheesecake, more bread, whatever I could get my hands on. I've had terrible sleep for several nights plus hormones and I guess I just couldn't cope. My mouth feels like I've been eating sandpaper all day and my weight (this taken following morning, writing this on Sat) has gone up a whole kg in two days. I told you I could never lose more than 5 kg without blowing it.

Eating events on this weekend, not sure how I'm going to negotiate them.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Thirty one: sugar


Look, my having sugar in my tea again this week has Nothing to do with the return of other sugary items to my diet, ok? The chocolate every day, the cheesecake this afternoon, they are just because it is a hard time of the month. Not because sugar has a hold on me in any shape or form. Ok? Ok? A little bit of sugar in my tea does not mean the cravings are suddenly back and I want to eat lollies. At all.

I took one car to the inspection people today, it only had one broken tail-light which they fixed on the spot, not bad for a fourteen year old car. While they were doing that I went to the Bunnings Warehouse (hardware and garden stuff) across the road and bought a long pot and some herbs to go next to my kitchen window. I haven't planted them in properly yet as Bunnings only sold huge bags of potting mix which I couldn't carry, but I think it looks nice.

Oregano, sage, chives, mint and thyme. I also like to use rosemary but that is a huge plant. It's quite a sunny spot so I hope they will do ok. They will certainly be handy for cooking.

B: bacon, cucumber, tea.
L: satay chicken and vegetables, chocolate, cheese, tea.
S: cheesecake.
D: spicy chicken, cauliflower, cucumber, tomato.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Thirty: TMI


Day thirty and I'm still going! Not perfect, but much better than my first 8 week try after Christmas.

I spent the morning trying to sort out our cars, we haven't transferred the registration over to this state as we were supposed to do within three months of moving. I've booked them in for their inspections and filled out the forms ready to stand in line at the government office. It seems I have to unscrew the number plates and take them in! Whichever car I drive there, I'll have to do that in the car park so I hope it isn't difficult.

Tim and Jasmine both needed to have their phones looked at and Tim said last time he just walked in to the Apple store and they fixed it on the spot, so even though last time I went in I did need an appointment, I tried driving over there without one. Silly me. Five hour wait they said! So I made an appointment for Monday. And came home again. Rest of my morning gone.

This para will contain TMI about lady business, you are warned. All this year I've had extremely heavy periods, and the last one lasted three weeks instead of five days. I'd assumed it was related to my approaching menopause (although getting heavier seemed the wrong way round). Then on the forums for my diet, some other women brought up the subject, and it turns out it's really common when you are losing weight rapidly! There is a lot of oestrogen contained in fat, and when you lose weight quickly a lot of that oestrogen is dumped back into the body causing an imbalance for a while. As far as I could find out, there are no long term dangers in this. But I now remember that when I was pregnant being told not to lose a lot of weight because of this issue, the extra oestrogen might not have been good for the developing baby. Anyway, it's something I'm prepared to put up with.

Big cravings today, and I ate more chocolate than is good for me.

I didn't get any writing done today, but at least I did start guitar practise again. I don't seem to have lost what I've learned, I just went over some of the easier stuff. Ten minutes before my fingers started to hurt. I didn't make the same mistake as last time and keep pushing on, then be unable to play again for days.

B: yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
L: calamari, tomato soup.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: beef fajitas in lettuce leaf wraps, milk.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Twenty nine: serves me right


It was just Jasmine and me today. We went shopping in the morning for more clothes for her - she is growing out of them very quickly these days - and then had lunch. Jasmine had chicken and chips, I just ordered chicken... then saw they had chilli cheese chips... and I was weak and asked for them. Who can resist chilli and cheese on chips? Well they were disgusting! I mean really disgusting, inedible. Serves me right for trying to stray so far from my diet. The cheese was runny tasteless stuff and the "chilli" sauce? I don't even know what that was. I stole a couple of Jasmine's plain chips but otherwise stuck to my chicken.

In the afternoon I had my first book club meeting. Jasmine sat in another section on the library with her iPad (in future she should be at school at that time of day). Of course as I kind of expected the rest of the group was considerably older than me. Only seniors have free time in the middle of the day, everyone else is at work or looking after young children. They all seemed nice, I wasn't shy at all, I quite enjoyed it. I'll go back again. It's an hour of chatting to adults about something I feel qualified to talk about. I particularly liked Maureen, probably the oldest lady there and I think she's the convener of the group although not the biggest talker. Old but sharp.

Then grocery shopping, all healthy food, and home in time for Aiden getting home from his first day back at school in term two. And we watched episode one of Australia's Next Top Model on Foxtel.

Tomorrow I really need to get back to my writing, with both kids back at school. And guitar. I haven't practiced for two weeks! I've lost my calluses and it will be back to five minutes at a time to build up again. Silly me.

B: cheese, cucumber, tea.
L: chicken, a few chips, tea.
S: apple.
D: satay chicken, stir fry vegetables.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Twenty eight: weigh in


Official weekly weigh in. Weight up a tiny bit from yesterday but still under 80 kg which is what I care about at the moment. I always seem to go up after Sunday night dinner with family, but only by a couple of hundred grams, and if I only weighed weekly all I'd see is the steady loss.

Starting weight (Just after Christmas): 84.5 kg
Starting weight round two: 83.0 kg
Day 7: 81.4 kg
Day 14: 81.5 kg
Day 21: 80.5 kg
Day 28: 79.7 kg.
Loss this week: 0.8 kg

Still steadily going down.

It is a public holiday today (ANZAC day, to thank soldiers) and also the last day of school holidays for Aiden, Jas gets an extra day. In the afternoon Tim and his brother went to help their dad work on his house while I babysat my three year old niece Emma (Ping was working). I say "I" babysat, actually Jasmine entertains her with a bit of help from Aiden. I'm just the token adult in case of emergencies.

On the weekend we signed up for a free month of Netflix, we hadn't got it before because Tim rarely watches TV and I already watch too much with our plethora of free channels, and then also signed up for Foxtel. For Game of Thrones obviously, which I watched today - it's broadcast at the same time as the US which means Sunday night there is Monday 11am here. We got Foxtel for three months last year for the same reason, it was such a hassle to cancel again and they kept billing for months and it took endless phone calls to sort out so that Tim vowed never to get it again. But, well. I also like some of the Lifestyle stuff; Next Top Model, RuPaul's Drag Race, cooking and renovation shows that we don't get here on free TV.

I am definitely hungrier at this time of the month, actual hunger as well as cravings. I've been eating a bit more. Hopefully I will feel back to normal tomorrow, because generally on this diet I haven't been hungry despite restricted calories.

B: raspberries and yoghurt, tea.
L: steak sandwich (without the bread).
S: Apple, tea.
D: roast pork, potato, broccoli, cucumber, gravy.
S: dark chocolate.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Twenty seven: danger zone


Despite chocolate and "that time of the month" I continue to lose weight on this awesome diet eating plan. (Really it is a diet in every sense, but people don't like that word. You have to make a lifestyle change. And I am, but this is a kickstarter phase before you go into lifetime phase.)

I have now lost 5 kg since Christmas. And that is a danger zone for me. I've lost that much two or three times in the past 15 years only to put it straight back on. I've never ever lost more than that. It seems to be the point where I have some kind of panic and give up, or get complacent and get slack, or bored and give up, or something. I don't really know why. Of course many times I've given up before that point! But I've never got past it. This time I will, and I'll keep going. 5 kg really isn't a huge amount of weight, I need to lose another 20 at least, but it is a milestone for me.

Dinner was at my brother-in-law's tonight. I did have one piece of garlic bread, but no dessert except fruit.

B: bacon, cucumber, tea.
L: taco salad, tea.
S: cashews, tea.
D: roast lamb, potato, salad, garlic bread, strawberries and grapes.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Twenty six: self diagnosis


Ah, the dangers of the internet. So easy to diagnose yourself with everything under the sun.

A year ago I started getting pelvic pain. I waited a while for it to go away by itself but eventually saw my doctor and had blood tests and an ultrasound, which didn't seem to show anything. The doctor then suggested it was probably diverticulitis (inflammation of the large intestine) which could be confirmed by a colonoscopy, but we were moving house around then (this was six months after the pain started by this time) and I wasn't that keen so never got around to it. The treatment was just to eat more fibre, if it was diverticulitis, and I was trying to eat more healthily anyway.

The pain had gradually decreased to almost nothing. But recently it's flared up again. I was never that convinced it was diverticulitis as I didn't have any of the symptoms except pelvic pain. I've looked around on the internet but nothing seems to fit very well. Definitely time to get some more tests to find out what is going on, instead of just trying to diagnose myself. The cure to whatever it is will probably be to lose weight and exercise.

Nick wanted us all to go away for the weekend again soon, I was dubious after the horrible camping trip last time but was told this would be different. We started to make arrangements today and it sounded pretty much the same to me! But we have diverged from them, we will stay in a hotel nearby while they stay at the camp ground, and get together during the day. It's a popular beach town less than two hours away which should be much nicer than Fly Valley. Restaurants, landscaped pool, beach nearby, coastal walks, much more my kind of weekend than sharing a paddock with 83 four-wheel-drive enthusiasts, a couple of mangy alpacas, and sixteen billion flies.

I'm still in those couple of days a month when my body is telling me that chocolate is the solution to all ills. I ate some. And a bit more. I have too many days when I slip from my plan. Need some more strategies for when things are tough! I can't only be good on a perfect day.

B: eggs, cucumber, tea.
L: chicken with mushroom sauce.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: taco salad.
S: chocolate.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Twenty five: resisting


I slept poorly with more bad dreams (but no night sweats) and struggled to get up. And struggled through the morning. I think my hormones are all over the place. I was feeling pretty headachy and tired and cranky and miserable. I had yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and even though I was full it didn't satisfy me today. So I had some bacon (mmm, salty). And tea with a teensy bit of sugar (a third of a teaspoon). Not enough to taste sweet, but enough to balance the bitterness so it's drinkable. I might go with that for a while, but then again I might feel all energetic and virtuous tomorrow and change back. Who knows? I certainly don't.

We did the grocery shopping and I seriously considered having a "day off", a binge, just eating whatever. I felt yuck so I needed it, right? I DESERVED junk food to make me feel better. The big breakfast saved me. I think if I'd been even the slightest bit hungry or unsatisfied I would have given in. But I was able to resist. I told myself I could have some dark chocolate at home later if I wanted, but no junk from the shops. (I did indeed have a couple of squares of dark chocolate later.)

All day I had slightly bigger meals than usual and so went over my calorie budget for the day. That doesn't worry me so much. I know some people start with a strict calorie budget then gradually refine what they eat (hi Sean!) and that works well for them. I approach things from the opposite direction. I am more concerned with what I eat than how much I eat. Obviously I need to reduce calories to lose weight, but to be healthy I need to cut right down on processed food, added sugars, trans fats - and eat more fresh fruit and vegetables, healthy fats like nuts, and so on. I would rather have a day when I went over my calorie budget like today but all (even the bacon and the dark chocolate) within the general confines of the Mediterranean diet, than stick to a certain number of calories but all in the form of doughnuts and Doritos.

B: yoghurt with passionfruit, bacon, tea.
L: rotisserie chicken thigh, cucumber.
S: chocolate, tea.
D: steak, fried onion, salad.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Twenty four: harmony


I've been feeling depressed this week for no particular reason, and lacking in energy. Last night I had one of my weird vivid horrible dreams and woke drenched in sweat (especially my legs which was a strange feeling) at 4:30. And remembered that I hadn't taken my Harmony menopause tablets since Sunday when I put them away when family was coming for dinner, and then just forgot they even existed! So I'm back on them now.

We didn't do much today, stayed at home except for a walk up to the library. I am so annoyed with the staff there! When I joined the book club a month ago they said I would be added to the list to get a copy of this month's book, "Longbourn". A couple of weeks ago I went in and asked about it, they said it wasn't in yet and they would email me. Today they said they had no record of me requesting a copy, and they didn't have one for me! Another library in the area has one on the shelf but because it was the end of the day and this is a long weekend coming up, if they ordered it they wouldn't have it until Tuesday! The book club meets on Tuesday!! Arg! I have opted to go pick it up at the other library instead tomorrow. I'm a fast reader, but even I want more than a couple of hours to read a whole novel, especially if I want to discuss it intelligently afterwards.

I ate properly today.
B: roast beef, salad, tea.
L: bacon and broccoli soup.
S: cheese.
D: spicy chicken, roast vegetables, cucumber.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Twenty three: aquarium


Today we went to the aquarium with Ping and little Emma. It's quite a long trip in, an hour and half to the city (drive to the station, train) and then a few blocks walk. The aquarium was nice, with glowing jellyfish:
and dugongs (how anyone ever mistook them for mermaids I can't understand! Sea cow is a better name):
and those huge tanks where the fish swim over and under and all around you.
The whole place was enormous and you can't leave halfway through, you have to follow the chain of interlocking rooms until the end. Quite tiring! 8700 steps today.

Food was a real challenge today. When we got to the city it was 11:30 and it was decided to have morning tea. Everyone else had pretzels (the big salty bread kind, not the cute little snacks) from a German bakery, I had some nuts left over from the movies the other day instead. I was a bit worried that everyone else was eating a lot so close to when I would normally have lunch, knowing they wouldn't be hungry again for a while but I would be. We went into the aquarium, and at 1:00 Ping suggested quietly to me that we get ice creams from a stall there but I said no we'd be having lunch soon (I wasn't going to have one either way, but I didn't want to let them fill up again and delay lunch more). I totally underestimated the size of the aquarium. We got out at nearly 2:00. I normally eat lunch at noon! And when you are restricting calories you are generally very ready for your next meal at your usual time.

We went to the first place that looked like it had kid-friendly food. I thought it would be ok for me too. Unfortunately it was either heavy on the carbs like burgers and pizza, or crumbed and deep fried. But it was so late and with three tired hungry children I didn't want to push to go elsewhere. I was still trying to decide what would be most adaptable to my low carb plan when Aiden said he would like pepperoni pizza. There was no way he would eat a whole pizza, even a small café one, so I decided to share it with him. There is nothing about pizza that goes with my food plan, but I ate and enjoyed it and it filled my tummy. I am not disappointed in myself, I think I negotiated some pretty tough challenges today, but I am disappointed that it didn't work out the way I would have liked. Especially since I got down to 79.9 kg again this morning and now I might bounce back up! And also the pizza was nice but it wasn't fantastic for something I was breaking my diet for! If I had my druthers I'd have a healthy lunch and a chocolate éclair! Or just the healthy lunch.

What I am most pleased about today is that I got through to 2:00 without having some kind of food-deprived meltdown. When I was eating junk regularly, there was no way I could have gone that long without panicking. I would have felt like I was starving, my blood sugar would have dropped making me cranky, I would have shovelled in whatever calorific food I could get my hands on. I would not have said no to pretzels or ice cream. Today I was hungry, but I was ok. I was more worried about finding food the kids would eat.

B: chicken, cucumber, tea.
S: raw mixed nuts.
L: pepperoni pizza.
S: tea.
D: veal in mushroom sauce, salad.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Twenty two: Zootopia


Today we saw Zootopia. Good kids' movie. I stuck to my food plan, I took some nuts into the movie but only nibbled a few. 

B: chicken and salad, tea.
L: bacon and broccoli soup.
S: raw mixed nuts.
D: roast beef, gravy, salad.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Twenty one: zoodles


Monday is my official weigh in day. I was a bit scared to get on the scales today. Not because of one piece of chocolate, but I did have more carbs than usual last night. A couple of crackers, a small piece of potato, half an ear of corn... it all adds up. And I was right to be scared. The extra carbs have made me retain water and I was back up to 80.5 kg! Damn. I know I will lose it again quickly. Back to the straight and narrow this week!

I am still down 1 kg this week, 2.5 kg in three weeks. And my jeans are a little baggy in places.

I'm going into the city with my sister-in-law Ping and our kids on Wednesday, to the Aquarium. Last night for some reason I happily agreed with her that while there we would get a cronut (croissant/doughnut) or go to the chocolate café on the harbour. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking! I will obviously let her know that I won't be indulging this time. I'll negotiate lunch carefully and take a healthy snack for if I need it. There is no way I am throwing away my progress.

Today I stuck to my food plan and was under my calorie budget. We did the shopping and I didn't buy any junk. I bought bread rolls for the kids to have with their chicken for lunch, and I didn't have one even though they smelled divine. I let Jasmine make Dutch pancakes in the afternoon but I didn't have any, despite her offering several times and them looking golden and delicious. I've done much better with water today.

B: cheese, cucumber, tomato, tea.
L: chicken, salad.
S: watermelon, tea.
D: bolognaise on zucchini zoodles.

I make the zoodles out of two medium zucchinis. A big plateful is 250 grams, only 38 calories and 4 grams of carbohydrate. Good value! I enjoy the bolognaise sauce just as much as when I have it on pasta.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Twenty: victory


Today I am under 80 kg for the first time in forever. 79.9 kg this morning! I had to stare at the scales for quite a while to decipher that weird number that I haven't seen for so long. Victory!

Of course I have a bit further to go yet.

So that bit of chocolate last night didn't adversely affect my weight, and didn't make me crave more. I ate it straight after dinner and I didn't even think about food the rest of the night. The risk of course, is when occasionally becomes often becomes always.

I did have a thought, that since that little bit of sugar wasn't a problem, maybe I can have sugar in my tea again. Right? And then I could hear all the shaking heads of my blog readers and the voices shouting "you had some sugar and think it didn't affect you but now you want to have it every day again? you poor deluded addict." So I will continue sugar-free during the week just to show you.

The first real diet I ever went on was just before my wedding in 2002, my mum suggested and paid for SureSlim. It was very expensive. You have your blood tested and they somehow work out from this how "sensitive" you are to carbohydrates and then regardless of the result put you on an extremely low carb diet. With weekly one-to-one meetings where they weigh you and frown when you didn't stick to the diet. I lost 5 kg in six weeks and was miserable every second. And horrible to live with. Anyway, my blood test result was "slightly sensitive to carbs" (or something like that) which was probably their lowest rating. I wonder if that was true, and what they were actually testing? Blood sugar? In which case I'd probably get a much higher rating now that I am prediabetic.

Preparing for dinner tonight was slightly tricky. This week extra people were coming. I thought a large leg of lamb would just stretch to everyone with plenty of side vegetables. Then this afternoon Tim was worried about some other family members who might be insulted if they found out these extra people came but they weren't invited. So we invited them. And all afternoon waited to hear back. Not knowing whether I needed to rush out and get more food. Not enough meat, not enough dessert... I was already really cutting it fine. What could I whip up at the last minute if they showed up and I needed more food? Anyway, we never heard back and they didn't come so it worked out ok.

My plan to avoid sugary dessert tonight was to make a kind of sorbet from frozen banana and raspberries blended up with a scoop of yoghurt. Banana makes it creamy and smooth without making it too bananery, it mostly tastes of the raspberries. Everyone else got a scoop of it with their apple berry crumble, I just had the sorbet. And didn't need much of that, it was already a bigger meal than I usually have, with a little of everything.

Later I must admit I had one piece of chocolate that one of the guests brought. So that was a little slip, since I definitely didn't plan it. But then I didn't have more even though I really wanted to so that was a win. I was able to resist going back.

We had our theories about why it was a bigger family group tonight. Maybe an announcement? Tim thought that one family member was pregnant, I thought a different one was. We were both right! But one was announced tonight, the other is still mostly secret (too early to tell people). She did quietly confirm to me when I said I thought she was. Very exciting. Two babies before the end of the year!

B: bacon, cucumber, tomato, tea.
L: chicken and vegetable stir fry with oyster sauce.
D: two crackers with dip, roast lamb, gravy, potato, broccoli, corn, raspberry sorbet, chocolate.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Nineteen: chocolate


I am such an emotional eater. (No I didn't give in.) I'm on day seven on a streak of clean low-carb low-calorie eating, I've passed the hunger pangs and the carb cravings and into what seemed like smoother waters. But as soon as the littlest thing happens I want to go and eat junk!

It was just a hug. The mother of Jasmine's friend from her sleepover is friendly, talkative, and very physical. I am not a huggy person, at all. And from an almost-stranger, who is also sweaty and wearing minimal clothing (a singlet top, no sleeves), a hug is emotional torture to me. The worst part was that I knew another one was coming. A hug of greeting, then all through the conversation knowing she was going to hug me again at the end, as she talked about how humid it was and how sweaty she was, the talking on and on while I could hardly concentrate and the stress levels were rising. Trying to minimise the huge bear hug of farewell without being rude. Urg. I was all unsettled and wanted to comfort myself with food but I didn't. A silly incident but it just shows how vulnerable I am to wanting to stress eat.

I ate well all day, and in the evening I decided it was time to have some of the special chocolates Tim gave me earlier in the week. (It seems bit odd to me, in hindsight, that I'm not allowed to have chocolate when I really really want it, only when I feel in control and don't want it so much. Or was I fooling myself?) A bit of a risky experiment, I suppose, but I'm not yet prepared to say I'll never eat chocolate again. I ate three. The first one was lovely, second one nice, third made me feel sick. I stared at a fourth for quite a while but but then put them away. Now the real test is how I feel tomorrow.

B: chicken, cheese, cucumber, tomato, tea.
L: salmon, cashew and vegetable stir fry.
D: steak, salad, wom bok, beetroot.
S: chocolate.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Eighteen: bushwalk


This morning Jasmine went off to bubble soccer with her friends (a school holiday activity where you get into a clear plastic bubble... and play soccer. Like a cola advertisement.) then straight on to a sleepover. So it was just me and Aiden for the day.

We did the grocery shopping, no junk except for biscuits that I don't like for when we have visitors, and Aiden didn't ask for a thing. I listen to other people's children having tantrums and relies just how awesome my kids are. After lunch we had some extra computer time and then went for a walk. We usually walk alongside the strip of bush land near our house, but this time we found a way in and followed a narrow trail that eventually joined a rocky fire trail (so emergency services can drive in to access bushfires). It was very steep in places! We ended up in a deep valley before turning back for home - all uphill.

You really can't see from the photo how steep this is - but Aiden went down part of it on his bottom to avoid slipping.
I ate well again today.
B: two poached eggs, cucumber, tea.
L: chicken, cheese, orange.
D: salmon, lentils, salad.

It was my second time ever cooking or trying lentils, the first time was a mushy disaster! This time a little undercooked perhaps (I have little to compare them too) but quite edible. And extremely filling. I softened onion, capsicum, celery and tomato in olive oil first, then added the lentils and some stock for 20 mins or so. With a few spices. Not up there in deliciousness, but not bad.  

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Seventeen: camillias


I found today a lot easier with no cravings for anything, even things that were readily available. But I still miss real tea (ie with sugar). It was such an enjoyable ritual drink for me. I'd always have a cup after everyone had left for the day, and sometimes when I got home from a trip out. Calming and relaxing. I'm sticking with the sugar free version because I don't want caffeine withdrawal right now, but I don't enjoy it at all. It doesn't seem to have the same emotional impact. Amazing how half a teaspoon of sugar makes so much difference. Oh well.

Today's excursion was to the Camellia Gardens. It's not just camellias, there are lots of different plants on a steep hill with a duck pond at the bottom, pleasant winding (rather mossy) paths. Today was rather cloudy which made the gardens seem a bit dismal, but we wandered around for a while and got our fresh air and exercise for the day. That hill was steep on the way back up!

A camellia in bloom:
 The duck lawn at the bottom:
It would have been a nice spot for a picnic if everything wasn't so grey and damp.

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge, Jasmine is off with her friends all day and staying for a sleepover, I'll have to entertain Aiden all by myself! They play so well together that usually I just provide meals.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Sixteen: reward


I had a temptation last night after I posted yesterday. Tim brought home a small box of my favourite chocolate for me to celebrate our monthaversary (we were married on the 12th and used to go out to dinner every month, now we still try to at least remember it). I've always said to him in the past that a small amount is welcome even if I'm on a diet because treats are a lovely part of life. But yesterday I'd just got through my third day of healthy eating and didn't want to derail myself just when my body was adjusting to better food. So I put the chocolate away. And thought about it several times throughout the evening but didn't succumb.

And this morning I got my reward, I hit a new low in weight for 2016! I've reversed the little gain after my first round of the 8 week BSD and snuck a little lower. 80.4 kg. Awesome.

I don't feel like I look awesome, yet, at all. Last night I was brushing my teeth after my bath, no clothes on, and Tim came in to ask about something. I could see myself in the mirror and I was aware of every revolting roll of fat. My husband does see me naked but I don't usually stand there and chat for long periods, I felt very self-conscious. But I'm working on my weight and it will get better.

It was a rainy morning today so I got the kids to earn extra computer time by doing housework. This is so win/win. Or even win/win/win! It gives the kids something to do - housework then fun - all morning, it helps me with housework, and then I get to play computer too!

In the afternoon we walked up to the library and got some new books and some exercise.

I am starting to worry about my brother. I just checked email and phone records and the last time I heard from him was 4 February when he called briefly to say he'd got his phone working. That is more than two months ago. Since then I haven't been able to contact him so I don't think he's been checking email (also tried text and leaving a phone message, his phone seems to be on but I don't know if he even knows how to retrieve messages). I tried to invite him over for dinner for his birthday a couple of weeks ago but didn't hear from him. I just emailed my uncle to ask if he'd seen him lately, if not I guess I need to go over there. I don't really know if it's a cause for worry or not - he isn't exactly a regular correspondent. It's a longish drive and I'll probably end up using my key only to find him still in bed asleep in the middle of the afternoon. I'm sure he's gone this long without contacting me before, it's just that we live closer now so I feel like I should hear from him more often. But on the other hand, he could be dead from a heart attack sitting in front of the TV with no one to know. I've mentioned before he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is a Hoarder so the house is disgusting, that is why we don't visit there but I do invite him here. I don't think I'd want to take the kids over, especially without being able to give him notice so he can clean up a bit, or just in case. I dread going. If he has been dead for a month, can I handle being the one to find him?

[edit: he finally contacted me tonight after I tried another seemingly pointless message, he's fine. But I thought I'd leave that paragraph in.]

I unfortunately burned some of my vegetables for dinner tonight so I had some of the potato instead, I am generally trying not to have too much starchy food at the moment. But a bit of roast potato won't derail me. I hope. Definitely having cravings this evening for something sweet. I will be strong. And remember how my weight is going down again, and I want to continue that.

I found soup for lunch a bit light (not enough protein all morning?) and needed a bigger snack in the afternoon, and also a higher calorie dinner with the potato. Overall more calories than I aim for but within an acceptable margin.

B: yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
L: cream of cauliflower soup.
S: cashews, apple.
D: roast lemon chicken, broccoli, potato, cucumber.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Fifteen: Kung Fu


Another good day, food-wise, despite a day-three carb-withdrawal headache (three days since eating sugar or starchy carbs). I am struggling a bit with the other elements of the plan; no exercise, poor sleep, and not enough water. But I did do a meditation. And I'm very happy with my eating.

The kids and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 3, which the kids had already seen with daddy but were happy to see again. We'd planned to see Zootopia but by the time I got around to booking all the good seats were gone and I didn't want to sit in the front two rows. I thought the movie was good, like all that franchinse. And I resisted what is always a very temptation-laden environment for me, I took along a piece of cheese and some grapes.

Yesterday during the grocery shopping I said the kids could get a food treat. Jasmine chose chewing gum (I thought that was weird), and Aiden chose a pomegranate! I don't buy them often as they are expensive and messy, but he wanted that instead of chips or lollies so I got him one. And I got myself fresh raspberries for the next day's breakfast yoghurt. (I usually use frozen raspberries.)

I think I mentioned before that a piece of furniture we bought for Aiden before Christmas was missing a piece - the base of one drawer. Months and several phone calls later they said they finally had a replacement and would sent out the tradesman (the same one who put it together originally). And the tradesman called that afternoon to say it was the wrong piece. And he'd now ordered the right piece. This was weeks ago, still haven't heard anything. Do I demand they take the whole item back and give me a refund? I don't really want to do that because it matches other items in his room, it was part of a set. But months are passing and they never contact me, I have to hassle them regularly to even find out if anything has been done. Arg! I need Tim to ring and get tough.

B: fresh raspberries and yoghurt, tea.
S: vegetable soup.
L: chicken and salad.
S: cheese, grapes.
D: taco salad, milk.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Fourteen: school holidays


Official weigh-in, 0.1 kg up from last Monday. Not surprising that I didn't lose this week! Stuck to my plan again today. Maybe had an extra little nibble of roast lamb while putting away the leftovers.

I need to start incorporating exercise somehow. At the risk of being whiney again, this little wart on the sole of my foot means it's like constantly walking with a pebble in my shoe. But I think I'm finally over this cold/flu/whatever and have a little energy back so it's time to just get on with it.

It's school holidays for two weeks. Today we didn't do much, the grocery shopping plus clothes shopping for both children. Then at home they practiced their gymnastics on the lounge and earned some extra computer time by doing some housework (in addition to their usual jobs, which are minimal). There are a couple of kids' movies out that we can go and see, and a trip to the beach, and we plan to go to the zoo and aquarium one day.

B: bacon and cucumber, tea.
L: chicken and salad.
S: grapes.
D: roast lamb and vegetables.

When I am "on" with my diet one of the big changes is the amount of vegetables I eat. I go from 0-2 serves a day up to at least five. Today I had about seven, plus fruit. I can feel the nourishment.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Thirteen: back again


Well, yesterday proved I was right the first time! I need to aim for 100% to get 90%. "Not on a diet" means "eat all the things". I stuffed myself while at the movies, woke up at 3am with a tummy ache, and put on half a kilogram in fat. I can't go on like that! So I had my day off and it's back to the grindstone. Actually I feel much better about going back on my plan. Yesterday was the hormonal imbalance talking; trying to tell me it's not fair, I should be able to eat whatever I like. Well yes life obviously isn't fair, I've got it damn good and all I've got to worry about is not eating so much I make myself sick!

One thing I do want to take from my rebellious musing yesterday is that I need to focus on the fun more and the food less. Can I obsess about food less but at the same time stick to my plan? I'll try.

The movie was "The Huntsman" and we all quite enjoyed it. Martha, who was late last time and we ended up going in without her, arrived more than half an hour after the movie was due to start this time! Luckily for her there was a fire alarm (false alarm) while we were queueing for tickets and everything was delayed. Some people are late everywhere for everything. I'm the opposite. She's the one who picked the movie and the session time to work around her schedule so she has no excuse!

Tim took the kids ten-pin bowling today, I didn't go because those heavy balls are not kind to my dodgy shoulders. Also I didn't really want to be around junk food again so soon. I did my guitar practice, read and played computer games. They were out for four hours. I tried to make the most of it as I won't have a lot of time alone for the next couple of weeks with school holidays, but I do miss having my family around the house.

Family dinner at Ping's house tonight. Luckily the food was within my plan rules (ie low carb, I just didn't eat the bread) and I had some honeydew melon and strawberries for dessert instead of cheesecake plus fruit. I stayed away from the potato chips put out later and had a couple of grapes that my niece handed me. I think I did awesomely well!

What I ate:
B: Raspberries and yoghurt, tea.
L: Quinoa "fried rice".
S: Apple, tea.
D: Portuguese chicken, salad, fruit.

Tired and headachy, but victorious.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Twelve: debate


Despite what I wrote only a couple of days ago, this morning I decided that this was a stupid time try to stick to a strict diet. I've been sick for weeks, my hormones are all messed up (into week three of "that time of the month") and now the school holidays have started. Who am I kidding? I can't even stick to a diet when the conditions are perfect! I'm insane to keep trying now - trying and failing.

So I gave it up. Not to mindlessly binge, but so I didn't have to spend every moment of the day focussed on food; what and how much. So I ate a delicious healthy quinoa dish for lunch - but I didn't weigh it. I had an orange without worrying how many carbs it had. We went out for a walk and I had ice cream without stressing or feeling like a failure. It seemed pretty good.

But now I'm about to go out to dinner and the movies with the girls (women of Tim's family) and I am worried again. I have health issues (and body image issues) because of my weight and I need to do something about it. Will there ever be a perfect time to diet? Do I have rice/noodles/potato/bread with dinner tonight, or are starches banned? Can I take a snack into the movie? What do "eating healthy" and "lifestyle change" mean for me? Do I start low carb/calorie again right now? Tomorrow? Monday? When I'm no longer sick? In two weeks when the kids go back to school? I still like the BSD diet but I feel like I need a couple of weeks without hurdles to get going with it.

I'm not sure where I am going to go from here.

[edit: this was just a bad day talking - see tomorrow!]

Friday, April 8, 2016

Eleven: worse


I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. Minor annoyances seemed like disaster after disaster. I assume it's illness-related. I'm no longer sure it's "just a cold" albeit a nasty one, Tim has come down with a new symptom of muscle aches which suggest flu or something else other than a cold. He is also feeling depressed.

Sorry to go on about my feeling sick - it's all I've got to talk about at the moment!

What I ate... hmm, less said the better.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Ten: aim high


I had a much better night - didn't keep myself awake coughing! - and this morning I did some thinking before I got out of bed.

The food plan I am on (designed to fix blood sugar levels) is quite strict and prescriptive, and I often fall short of perfection. You could argue (I don't mean you personally, but it seemed odd to use "one could argue") that it would be better to try a more flexible plan that is easier to stick too. Some people like to aim so low that they cannot fail, then they can build on that good feeling. But I prefer to aim high. Then even when I have slips and stumbles, I still achieve high.

It's like if I was still at school and doing regular tests and quizzes. Should I plan to get 50% and then be happy with that because I hit my goal? Or perhaps fail to achieve even that goal, as I might if I was being so casual about it? No! I aim for 100% and try hard. But when I get 90% I'm still happy. I'm not perfect, and that is a good score. Not getting 100% every day doesn't mean I've failed.

That doesn't mean I can aim for 90% as being more realistic. I still have to aim for 100% to get 90%.

I am losing weight on this diet. I need to keep aiming for perfection, but being ok with getting a few things wrong.

The other thought that followed on for this is that life is not pass/fail. A healthy diet is not pass/fail. You CAN fail a diet if you repeatedly eat all the stuff you shouldn't. But a few mistakes is not an automatic F for the whole diet, or the rest of your life. Maybe I got an A on Monday and Tuesday and a C yesterday. I didn't plunge into binging and I still ate healthy food for two of my meals.

Moving on to today, while eating my healthy breakfast I read an article in New Scientist about whether or not we need breakfast. The answer seemed to be "maybe"! If you eat breakfast, you eat more in total over the whole day, but you also move more. If you don't eat breakfast, you eat a little more at lunch time but not enough to compensate, and you unconsciously move around less so burn off less calories. Breakfast or no breakfast had no effect on weight loss. They suggested that if you were going to be very sedentary and didn't need to think much, like sitting on a plane all morning, then it would be fine to skip breakfast. But children didn't do as well at school without breakfast, so you might need it as brain food. And eating breakfast seemed to help future diabetes outcomes. Overall it sounded like it's better to eat breakfast.

But what should we be eating for breakfast? The idea of cereal being a healthy start to the day, and later of bacon and eggs making a great breakfast, were from marketing campaigns (Mr Kellogg and the pork industry respectively) so have little basis in reality. The article just said that more study was needed on this part. I'm sticking to protein plus fruit/veges.

What I ate today:
B: roast beef, cucumber, tea (back to no sugar).
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: cheese and cashews.
D: spicy chicken, broccoli, cucumber.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Nine: funeral


Today was not a great day.

This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.

Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.

We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.

I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.

Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.

When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.

What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.

Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Eight: better


When I woke this morning I felt like I was going to be sick forever and it was hardly worth getting out of bed. But by lunchtime I was feeling almost normal. Yay!

Daylight Saving ended here on the weekend, I'm still getting used to the changes in sleep and eating patterns. But did well today.

What I ate:
B: yoghurt with passionfruit, tea.
L: taco salad, tea.
S: tomato soup, apple, cheese and crackers.
D: roast beef, potato, broccoli, cucumber.

Water: 12 cups.

Afternoon is a tricky time. I tend to get a bit hungry, and when the kids get home they are allowed to have treats from their Easter Basket/Showbag. It's hard to watch and resist. I generally leave the room. Today I had to go and eat an apple. Then a bit later both children were eating cheese and crackers and I had some. It eroded my calorie budget for dinner a bit, but turned out ok.

Jasmine got her first term interim report card from school, the equivalent of an A in everything except Geography where she got a B. Excellent report! She also had a Chinese oral test today which she did well on after practicing with her Aunty Ping. Apparently the main negative in the test was that she doesn't speak loudly or clearly enough. She is very shy and this has always been a problem when she has to speak publicly. She is very diligent with her homework. I'm glad she's settled into high school so well.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Seven: weigh-in


I'm making Monday my weigh-in day even though I didn't start my BSD until Tuesday. I weigh myself every morning, but this is the official one.

Starting weight: 83.0kg
Today: 81.4 kg

I am happy with a loss of 1.6 kg (3.5 pounds). It's a lot, especially considering a few days a bit off plan, but some is "water weight".

Today I stuck to my plan.
Breakfast: poached eggs, cucumber, orange, tea.
Lunch: chicken thigh, tomato soup.
Snack: Apple.
Dinner: taco salad.

Water: eight glasses today.

I really love my taco salad! Pile of shredded lettuce and tomato, spicy mince, jalapeños, salsa and tasty cheese. So yummy. I've saved a little mince for tomorrow's breakfast.

Health is still iffy. I had to lie down for a while in the afternoon. But I got the grocery shopping done, and guitar practice, and meditation (that turned into more of a nap), and folded some of the overflowing baskets of clothes, and watched Jasmine dance at her  dance school's open night.

Tim is also struggling through the last of this illness, but luckily both children bounced back after only about 24 hours unwell. Lucky buggers.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Six: Reframe


My weight was a tiny bit up this morning. I feared much worse. I've decided to reframe my three days of stumbles. Because you know what? I started a new diet while quite nastily sick (and Tim sick too and now Jasmine has come down with it) but it doesn't affect appetite AND with a houseful of leftover Easter chocolate AND my hormones seem all messed up because I've had my period for eleven days and counting but I've still lost weight every day except today - quite a significant amount in fact. So I'm calling it a win against the odds instead of a fail because I'm not perfect.

I seem to be having these worry/frustration dreams even when not having night sweats, now. Just about every night, often several a night. It's starting to concern me a bit. Am I so full of stress and anger? Some of the more memorable include Jasmine being pregnant at twelve, being caught in a tidal wave, getting angry with Aiden because he was trying to reverse park the car and not doing a good job (he's nine), my mother being really annoying and me telling her to f*ck off (a scenario even more unlikely than the others, even if she was still alive).

Last night's dream was funny enough to relate, although it was annoying to experience. I was trying to get guests to the house help me remember how to use the weird toilets here. There was one in a cupboard up high above the fridge that I wasn't sure how to get to. There was one in a kitchen drawer that I was very puzzled by - I showed the guest, and it turned out to be a teacup, with a teabag in it, in a box. The two guests weren't paying much attention to me because they were watching a TV sports show that involved people dressed up as horses, so they weren't helping. Frustrating.

And then I was putting on a pair of cream coloured jeans but when I got them on they were normal blue and were also too tight so I was looking for the cream ones and frustrated that I would have to take off my hiking boots to change again.

I won't bore you with more. But is this normal to have so many like this? I'm not aware of being concerned about anything other than my health during the day. Maybe everyone has them all the time but most people don't remember their dreams. I remember a lot of them at the moment because I wake frequently during the night.

Anyway, did well today. Had guests for dinner so ate a little more than usual. Still feeling pretty tired and yuck, but a lot better than yesterday.

What I ate:
Breakfast: Yoghurt and raspberries, tea.
Lunch: Homemade tomato soup. Mixed nuts.
Snack: Cheese, tea.
Dinner: Pork ribs, salad, potato, cheesecake.

Water: eleven cups.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Five: fast food


The good news is that I've lost 2 kg in the first few days on the BSD (blood sugar diet), despite my slips. The bad news is that after 12 hours in bed last night I got up, had breakfast, and felt so awful I climbed straight back under the covers for the rest of the morning.

Unfortunately my neighbour chose this morning to mow his lawn, then use something that sounded like a wood chipper or maybe an angle grinder basically right outside my bedroom window, then he moved on to maybe a whipper snipper. When that was finally over, our dishwasher was churning and sloshing and then Jasmine decided to practice the guitar. I got up a little after noon not very refreshed by my "nap". Feeling grumpy and resentful.

There is a lot of smoke choking our little valley, I hope it is a deliberate burn-off and not something destructive.... Tim checked and it is a controlled burn so that is ok.

Tim got KFC for lunch because the kids wanted it and I didn't object. I have no good excuse. I am disappointed with myself. Feeling like turbulence has turned into a engine-failure uncontrolled dive headfirst into the ground. I've got to stop using feeling sick as an excuse. Or sad. Or bored. Or stressed. Or whatever. Life happens, and will continue to be unpredictable.

At least the good Easter chocolate is all gone. I will put out all my little eggs tomorrow for guests.

I am dreading hosting family dinner this weekend, but I wanted it to be here because it was my brother's birthday this week and I invited him along (and didn't know I'd still be sick). Darren hasn't replied to my invitation - email is the only way I can communicate with him and then only if he goes to the library and checks because he doesn't have internet at home. Or a working phone. I assume he isn't coming. And it's a bit late to ask my sister-in-law to host, she works on Sundays so would have no time to shop or prepare. Really hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow. Otherwise I guess it will be a last-minute cancel.

Four: temptation


I was feeling better yesterday, but much worse today. Bleugh. Not just lack of sleep, but I also didn't sleep well. My peri-menopause tablets say to reduce the dose (from four a day) once your symptoms are under control, but any time I take less than four - either deliberately or because I forget - symptoms return straight away. Worse sleep and weird dreams last night. I think I'll stick to four for a while. But mainly I think it's just this headcold refusing to budge. Feel sick and miserable. And I had to do a little shopping, and managed to crush my fingers in the freezer door at the supermarket. Great day.

I have a confession to make. After posting last night's blog, I started to think about chocolate. I struggled with it for at least an hour, determined to stay strong, but eventually gave in and ate half a chocolate bunny. "They" say cravings fade if you resist them for 5 or 10 mins or whatever and do something else, maybe that works sometimes but certainly not all the time for me. The desire just gets stronger. The moment of giving in was interesting, from an outside point of view; I felt sudden relief and delight, excitement, my mouth started watering, and I enjoyed the chocolate so much!

If this whole episode was due to some underlying addiction (and it did feel like that, both the craving and the indulgence) then presumably I will go through this again in another few days. Any ideas for conquering it? Small dose to wean myself off? It was evening, I probably should have just gone to bed instead of trying to distract myself.


My meals were good today but I had a huge "snack" in the afternoon including the rest of that chocolate bunny. Wasn't hungry, just tired and sick. It is just after 8pm, I'm going to have a bath and go to bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.

What I ate:
Breakfast: bacon, cucumber, tomato, tea.
Lunch: chicken, grapes.
Snack: chocolate, watermelon, cheese sandwich.
Dinner: steak, salad.

Water: 4 cups. Dismal.

Good night.