Twelve: debate

Saturday:

Despite what I wrote only a couple of days ago, this morning I decided that this was a stupid time try to stick to a strict diet. I've been sick for weeks, my hormones are all messed up (into week three of "that time of the month") and now the school holidays have started. Who am I kidding? I can't even stick to a diet when the conditions are perfect! I'm insane to keep trying now - trying and failing.

So I gave it up. Not to mindlessly binge, but so I didn't have to spend every moment of the day focussed on food; what and how much. So I ate a delicious healthy quinoa dish for lunch - but I didn't weigh it. I had an orange without worrying how many carbs it had. We went out for a walk and I had ice cream without stressing or feeling like a failure. It seemed pretty good.

But now I'm about to go out to dinner and the movies with the girls (women of Tim's family) and I am worried again. I have health issues (and body image issues) because of my weight and I need to do something about it. Will there ever be a perfect time to diet? Do I have rice/noodles/potato/bread with dinner tonight, or are starches banned? Can I take a snack into the movie? What do "eating healthy" and "lifestyle change" mean for me? Do I start low carb/calorie again right now? Tomorrow? Monday? When I'm no longer sick? In two weeks when the kids go back to school? I still like the BSD diet but I feel like I need a couple of weeks without hurdles to get going with it.

I'm not sure where I am going to go from here.

[edit: this was just a bad day talking - see tomorrow!]