Monday, May 25, 2015

Sad day

Monday:

Aiden is home sick today with a nasty cough. My physiotherapist cancelled as she is sick too. Time for a quiet day at home. We spent most of the day watching TV. I sorted some more stuff and talked to family by phone and email. Sat around feeling sad.

I slept very poorly last night, thinking about dad and also all the things to do attached to his death. Still trying to get in touch with my brother. Need to write a eulogy. My aunty Pat is arranging the funeral since she lives there, so that is a burden lifted, but I'm still being consulted in everything. Obviously we'll be making another trip down there in a few days.

My physical response to grief has been very strong. Firstly that I feel cold all the time. It is nearly winter here, but even with warm clothes inside with the heating on I am very cold. And also I'm not exactly hungry but I feel very hollow and a bit nauseous, and filling that space with food does seem to help for a little while. I couldn't shop today, with Aiden home sick, we had instant noodles for lunch and ordered pizza for dinner. I ate a lot of pizza very quickly. Then put leftovers from my favourite (pepperoni) into the freezer so I couldn't eat any more. I'm not really thinking about my weight right now, but that is no reason to make myself sick with overeating.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Dad

Sunday:

My father died around 6 this evening.

The hospital called me at 4:15 to say he was pretty bad and in Intensive Care. Then Wendy called to say he had passed away.

I don't know specifically why he died, but he was in ICU because his blood pressure had plummeted, possibly caused his chest infection. They tried to revive him but ultimately failed.

I haven't been able to get through to my brother. He's been having problems with his phone and no one has been able to contact him for a couple of weeks, although he calls me sometimes. He also doesn't have email at home, but checks a couple of times a week. So I've left a voicemail and an email and tried to call my uncle to go over there but couldn't through to him either.

What a horrible year.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Junk room

Saturday:

I feel much better today. I guess I just have these down days sometimes, understandable under the circumstances I think.

We spent the day working on clearing out the "studio", our junk room. I think it was the original garage for the house, it is big and full of boxes and old furniture. We haven't thrown a lot out over the years, it seems! We did have one clear out a few years ago but there is still plenty. A lot of the boxes were contributed by both sets of parents when they got sick of having our stuff cluttering up their houses, like notes from University and children's books. Some of which we want to keep, so we needed to go through it. We put in a solid four hours work, with quite a bit of help from Jasmine and none from Aiden who spent the whole time riding up and down the driveway on his bicycle. My body is now aching with fatigue, I am just not used to that kind of physical labour for hours, but we have three big piles of stuff; for charity, for throwing away, and to keep. Now I need to arrange for the first two of those to be taken away. When that is done I'm going to have new flooring put in the junk room and the ceiling repaired from years-old storm damage -- the roof was fixed at the time but not the interior plaster. Then it won't be a junk room any more; either we or future owners will be able to actually use the room! The people before us had exercise equipment out there, or it would be a great children's/teenagers' retreat.

I have to go and make a healthy dinner now. I would much rather order pizza and relax but Tim has refused. Since he started this dietbet with me not a morsel of junk food has passed his lips. And he's doing lots of extra exercise too. He doesn't have much weight to lose though, so it's not coming off very easily. At the moment I don't really care abut weight loss. Other things seem more important. I do care about my health though. My weight has remained stable. I'll definitely achieve my water goal today, and I think I've done some great exercise!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Long day

Friday:

Today I feel stressed and sick and overwhelmed. My dad, my shoulder, fixing up the house, maybe moving, and a party we're hosting this weekend.

The party is just a few people coming over to watch the Eurovision final together. They are mainly my husband's friends although I have met them all, not a large group. But I'm not really feeling like hosting any kind of party at the moment. And also our TV is having some serious problems so I'm not even confident that we will have a working television on Sunday night! I'm getting it sent to a repairer next week but it was too late to get it done for the weekend.

My husband and I are very well suited but there is one way in which we clash. I am very much a organiser who plans well in advance, he is an inveterate procrastinator who does things at the last minute. This covers all aspects of life; from driving, where I will change lanes as soon as I know there is a turn coming up even if it is 5 km away whereas he will get in the correct lane at the last possible moment; to paying bills which I would pay as soon as we get them but he pays on the due date so we get interest on our own money as long as possible; to things like this potential move to Norfolk Island where I am already preparing the house for tenants and washing old furniture to give to charities but I know Tim won't even apply for the job until 2 minutes to midnight on the final day. And it is giving me a stomach ulcer. I find it incredibly stressful. I hate his procrastinating, I assume he hates my nagging. He'll get it done before the deadline, so what is the problem?

Anyway, he called them today and found out a little bit about the job but the other guy was off to a meeting and will talk to him again next week, so we don't know anything new really.

So much in my life I have no control over. I need to learn to manage stress better.

I got a knock at the door this morning and it was a couple of glaziers (windows) which was confusing and I thought at first they must be at the wrong house, I certainly wasn't expecting them. But it turns out the handyman sent them to look at something. I'm not actually sure they were the right people for the job, the glass isn't actually broken. They were going to go back and talk to their boss about what needs to be done and if they can do it.

I got a call from the hospital but it was from home help people which was kind of weird since the guy seemed to agree that dad wasn't going home any time soon. But he was asking me questions about whether there were any stairs in dad's house, whether Wendy was able to look after him at home etc. Questions about the level of care needed were very difficult to answer because I don't know how well he would have to be before they send him home. He said he had talked to dad first but dad seemed a bit confused. It's worrying if he was unable to answer questions about his house; but maybe, like me, he just didn't know the answers to some of it. But everyone who speaks to him now mentions his confused state of mind.

At least the day ended well. Got home cold after my daughter's dance lesson to a lovely casserole keeping warm in the oven, and then an evening of watching the first Eurovision semifinal. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Worse

Wendy called again tonight, dad is doing worse. His blood sugars fluctuated today between 22 which is very high and then right down to 3 which is horribly low. I think 5.5 to 7.8 is normal. They've moved him into a different ward. They don't seem to be able to keep his blood sugar levels under control, even under constant supervision in hospital, so how could he possibly go home. No chance of that happening any time soon. Very worrying.

Being assertive

Thursday:

Another day of talking to tradesmen, doing housework, and cleaning up furniture and sorting stuff to give to charity or throw away (whether or not we got to Norfolk). It's a good incentive to get some of this stuff done but it is keeping me very busy!

I'm still feeling very churned up inside from an incident this afternoon. I am so bad with confrontation, and I'm amazed I didn't run away from it! We were at the hairdresser getting Aiden's hair cut, and there was a display of make up in the reception area. Jasmine looked at a "tester" of eye-shadow or something, opened the lid to look at the colour, then closed it again. A staff member, an older lady, came over and told her not to open the cases because the make up would get contaminated and repeated several times not to do it again. I thought she was quite rude and unnecessarily lengthy and pointed about it and I confronted her by mentioning it was a tester. She explained to me (aggressively) that I wouldn't want contaminated make up on my face and she wouldn't be able to sell it once it had been opened so I shouldn't let my daughter meddle with it. I (outwardly calmly) said that it was labelled as a tester so it wasn't for sale and also that she wouldn't have spoken like she spoke to my daughter if it was to an adult (I was totally wrong there as she was talking to me that way as well!). She acted like I was being completely unreasonable and ruining her display and walked away. And I said "piss off" quietly but not caring if she heard. I suppose what I really meant was "bitch". And I considered leaving because I was so worked up but decided not to because I like the rest of the hairdressers there. It just make me so mad that she spoke to my extremely well behaved and polite (and shy) daughter like that. And then I spent the next half an hour feeling totally nauseated from stress! But I'm kind of proud of myself that I politely defended my daughter who had done nothing wrong, even though that was really hard for me.

For some reason I'm doing really badly with my water intake. I don't think I've got to 8 glasses for a week. My plants on the Plant Nanny app keep dying. I'll work harder on that tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Damn drawer handles

Wednesday:

Bit of a busy day today. We had someone coming to quote for cleaning the house this morning - a proper deep clean or as much as they could do considering all our stuff was still all over the place. So of course I had to spend some time tidying first! The guy came wandered around and worked out how much it will cost and he is coming back next week to do the actual work, over two days. The plan is to get a cleaner house for now, but if we end up renting out the house we'll have another clean done once our stuff is packed away. I used to have a regular cleaner when Jasmine was a baby (and I had post natal depression) but then I decided I could do it myself. It's just housework, right? But I can always find something better/more fun to do, so I am going to start outsourcing again.

Then I went to the local hardware store to buy a new door handle for the bathroom and some new drawer handles for various items of furniture. Got my first phone-call-while-driving for the day (I waited until I pulled over then called back, of course), the handyman who will come tomorrow to look at my list of things to do and give me a quote. Went to physio, it hurt a bit more today maybe after the weekend of motel bed and long hours in the car. Came home for lunch, and found that the screws that came with the drawer handles were all much too long.

So back to Bunnings Warehouse where they cut down all the screws for me (I worked out beforehand how long each should be), got my second phone-call-while-driving, my brother who is worried about dad. He spoke to dad yesterday on the phone and was worried about the seeming vagueness and confusion. I had thought dad seemed better on the weekend so I'm not sure how much was just miscommunication. For instance I had told my brother that dad was in Goulburn Valley hospital in Shepparton, but Darren thought he was in the town of Goulburn and was worried by dad saying he was in Shepparton. One bad thing was that when I was there I noticed dad had a strange wristband on but he couldn't seem to tell me what it was (didn't know or maybe just didn't want to?). Darren says when he spoke to a nurse she mentioned that dad was wandering around the hospital getting lost so they put a tracker on him! I'm not sure if he was lost or had some idea of escape, he was "joking" about escaping and going home when I was there. I told him that if he couldn't get into bed without help, I didn't like his chances of getting to the exit.

After that sunny little chat I went to my doctor's appointment to follow up about the x-ray and ultrasound of my shoulder. The upshot of which is I am keeping up with physio to see if that will help enough, and also I have a med cert to give to the gym if I want to suspend my membership for a couple of months but I'm not sure I want to use it. Then if I want to go, I can't. But will I want to go in the next couple of months? It's going to expire in a few weeks anyway.

My third phone-call-while-driving (yet again waiting until I was safely pulled over, but I'm never sure these days if it will be something important to I always call back as soon as I can) was the curtain people, so I've got a home visit from them arranged as well. Gradually getting it all done.

When I got home I put all the drawer handles on, only to find the coffee table ones were still too long! I didn't allow for the shape of the thingy that I'm not going to bother to explain because I don't know the names. After two trips to the hardware store I still couldn't get it right. And then realised that it was Wednesday which is the day we get home late after dance class so I make a casserole but I forgot and there wasn't long enough now for it to cook properly. Feeling a bit exhausted, really, with all the running around today. We got Indian food on the way home. And another call from Wendy during dinner, she said she had some positive news but I'm not sure what exactly because nothing she said seemed particularly positive to me. I suppose "He promises he will take his pills now" could be taken as positive but I didn't know he wasn't! And the fact dad had his MRI today and we'll get the results on Friday, well not really fabulous news. Oh well, I guess she is trying to see the bright side. Better than the alternative! I'd hate if she called me every day and moaned and wailed and predicted the worst! So I should be grateful.

Have a good night everyone.