Saturday, December 31, 2011

Sunday weigh-in: 79.5 kg

Sunday, 1 January 2012:

I didn't weigh in last Sunday as it was Christmas Day but I was approximately the same as today. The Sunday two weeks ago I was 78.7 kg; so I'm up 800 grams since then. Not too bad considering we had the Christmas and New Year festivities in between.

I might chat about my non-weight-loss resolutions occasionally, but I will review my weight-loss goals every Sunday with my weigh in.

To review, my goal is to lose half a kilogram (about 1 pound) every week. I will achieve this by exercising five days a week and sticking to a low-calorie plant-focussed diet five days a week. I will track my food every day, even the days I don't stay under the calorie limit. I will also concentrate on drink 6-8 glasses of water (with a squeeze of lemon juice) every day.

Any week, day, or even moment can be a new starting point; but the New Year has a certain glamour to it.

I know this is a bit of a rehash of yesterday's post, but I want to reinforce my goals and plans in my own mind.

At a starting weight of 79.5 kg, it will take me 9 weeks to get down to my first goal of 75 kg. A few days after the end of February. Slow and steady is fine, much better than my previous track record of ... fail. This is the year to win!

Friday, December 30, 2011

What I learned in 2011 and New Year Resolutions


New Year's Eve, 2011. Time to look backwards, then forwards.

What did I learn in 2011? Weight-loss wise, I learned that exercise alone is not enough for me to lose weight -- at least not at the fairly reasonable intensity of an hour five days per week. I gave it a good go for about four and a half months, and lost not a gram nor a centimetre. Of course I'm sure if I exercised three of four or more hours a day there would be a different result; but one hour five days a week seemed to me to be achievable consistently even with work and family to consider. There are health benefits to exercise other than weight loss, but if weight loss is what you are after then exercise is not enough.

Anything else? I love love love to read. I already knew that, obviously, but the knowledge has been reinforced recently. I've had a hectic reading schedule as a judge for a fiction award -- at the moment I need to read a book every two days for the next two months -- some are great but some of the books are atrocious and I certainly don't want to be reading those ones. I look forward to this committment being over. Why? So that I can get back to the long list of books that I want to read that aren't part of the award! I want the time to plunge back into the George R. R. Martin series, to re-read some old favourites, to read a new-found 'Anne of Green Gables' prequel (not by the original author) in the bath. To find new interesting bloggers and read their entire archives. I want to finish this batch of reading so I can do some more reading!

I've learned I'm not such an outsider in my mother's extended family as I have always felt. They are all fit and tanned and athletic and not at all academic. Always lovely to me, but I've never felt really comfortable with them since I was a little kid. There seemed a long period when I just didn't fit in. Whether I am more secure now with my own little nuclear family, or they have all grown out of sulky teens/tweens now (I am one of the eldest of my generation), or some other reason; Christmas was really comfortable this year. I had seen them more often than usual due to several events like my cousin's wedding (I live in a different state) so maybe that helped too. Maybe the change is in me.

I have learned that working from home is hard to juggle. I get easily distracted (I'll just stack the dishwasher/check my blog feed/ pop up to the shops/watch this segment on TV...) and have trouble separating work time from home time. When you are in an office you are away from other things that need doing and also have the "police" of your workmates and boss. At home, if making a cup of tea takes 20 mins there is no-one to care but yourself. And, eventually, your client. So managing that issue will be one of my resolutions.

Which leads neatly into ... 2012 New Year's Resolutions

Since this is a weight-loss blog, I will start with that. There is some acronym I can't remember that says goals need to be measurable and achievable and accountable and a couple of other things. Whatever. I will start 2012 at approximately 79 kg (174 pounds), and I want to get down to 58 kg. That is 21 kg to lose -- but as I've said before I may be happy with 63 or something around there. We'll see when we get closer.

*I'm not going to make a final long-term goal for now. For the moment, I am only looking at the short term. Two months, four kg. By the end of Feb, I will be 75 kg. Earn my first glitzy weight-loss charm at last. When I've done that, I will look at the next bit.

How is this to be achieved?

Firstly, continue/get back to the exercise. An hour of vigorous exercise five days a week. More would be fine. Until the kids go back to school at the beginning of February, this will mainly be using the Kinnect. Dance is good, and some of the games on the Adventures disc are really high cardio. I've been doing well on this front so far, the trick will be not to slack off and get lazy with it. Five days a week! I can go to the gym on the weekend to get some weight training in.

Secondly, sort out something with my diet. Very restrictive diets certainly make me lose weight, but I can't stick to them. I don't want to give up my "treats". But I quite liked the meals I made for myself when detoxing; so my plan is to modify meals to reduce fat and calories. Cutting down on calories will probably mean cutting down on (but not cutting out) carbs. Less, not none. Tonight I made fajitas -- lean meat marinated in spices and lime juice, lots of vegetables, a little bit of oil. But the two tortillas added about 300 calories and plenty of salt. I will, in future, wrap my fillings in lettuce leaves instead. Just as delicious; far fewer calories, no artificial preservatives or added salt or sugar. I'm sure I can make modifications like this to many meals, yet still have some chocolate when I want to. And stay under my calories limit of 1340, five days a week.

Non-weight-loss goals?

*Organise my work time better so I am doing paid work in the hours allocated for it. My time while the kids are at school will include exercise, lunch (and tea breaks), and work. Other things are for outside work hours. Oh, except grocery shopping is much easier without the kids, so I will be doing that in school hours. And things like hair-cuts and waxing ... you see how easy it is to fill the hours with non-paid-work? But not TV or blogging or housework. If I'm going to make a real go of this freelancing business then I need to devote a reasonable number of hours to it. Three billable hours a day.

*In 2012, I am not going to over-commit myself. No work scheduled for school holidays. One week buffer between projects to allow for illness and emergencies and rush-jobs for special clients (I started doing this a few months ago and those buffer weeks fill up quickly!) I am not going to judge any awards in 2012 -- this year's 66 entries meant hundreds of unpaid reading hours. No free proofreading or manuscript critiquing for my writing guild. I need to take a year off all the volunteer stuff to make time for some other things. This doesn't mean no volunteering ever again, but in 2011 it has taken me away from my family and my own writing and paid work so much that it has become a huge burden and I need a break from it. I will continue reviewing the free books I get -- I get to choose which ones -- and slush reading for ASIM magazine as that only means a couple of short stories a week. So I guess I am still doing some unpaid work. But not nearly so much. I remember the good old days when I had time to volunteer at my kids' school; helping out with the home readers and in the library. When I could spend time with my family on the weekend instead of catching up on work. When I could play computer games in the evening without feeling guilty about it because I had so much work to do. In 2012 I am pulling back a bit.

*My own writing. My novel. My word-child. 2012 will be the year to finish the first draft. I have paid work projects booked in until the end of March. I have blocked out the first two weeks of April to do some writing; then it is school holidays. I stress about booking out May to write my novel; it would mean that if I get an enquiry now I would have to put them off until June, five months away! That is a long time for someone with a finished novel to wait for an edit, and I would likely lose their business. So I am undecided about that one. If I get an enquiry soon I might give them May and block out June for myself. I like to have a couple of clients lined up.

I also want to do some incidental writing. Chuck Wendig has some great short story prompts on his blog, they used to be every Friday but I'm not sure if he has kept up with that. It's good practice, and would also be great if I could get some short stories out there.

Well, that is enough non-weight-loss rambling for a weight-loss blog. In 2012 I want to be a better wife, better mother, better friend, better person, re-start learning the guitar, sing more, help Jasmine with learning the violin, get the house and garden in order, have more fun ... but my four measurable goals are:
1) Lose 4 kg in 2 months
2) Work smarter
3) Stop trying to do too much
4) Finish the first draft of my novel

See you in 2012

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What makes me happy


I decided two days of detoxing was enough. And ate quite a few of my Christmas treats -- little fun-size packs of things Santa put in my stocking. Yummy.

I dropped nearly a kg (2 pounds) in the two days I ate so carefully. Strangely, this kind of depressed me. Partly because I know it was really just water weight or whatever they call it which will probably go straight back on as soon as I start eating normally again, but mainly because I feel like that lifestyle is so unsustainable. Is that how thin people have to eat all the time? Do you get used to it?

As far as I can remember, I have lost weight only a couple of times in my life (the rest has been a slow and steady increase). Just before my wedding, nearly ten years ago, my mum paid for me to go on SureSlim; a low calorie, no junk food, very low-carb diet with weekly one-on-one chats with a counsellor. I stuck to it reasonably closely for quite a few weeks, lost 5 kg (11 pounds), and was tired and cranky and miserable the entire time. Tim vowed never to let me go on that kind of diet again.

Then just before I turned 40 I lost about 2.5 kg in two weeks. I got up at 5.45 am every morning in the freezing dark in the middle of winter to go to the gym, doing intensive exercise like BodyStep, and restricted my calories. Then I hurt my shoulder.

These last couple of days I have lost weight by cutting out just about every food I like. Do I want to live like that?

What I really want out of life is to be happy. So what makes me happy? I think that being thinner would make me happier: healthier, more attractive, fit into nice clothes, more energy etc. But chocolate also makes me happy. And twisties. And KFC. I feel good when I eat fatty/salty food. "Occasional treat" is not at all the same as "whenever I want" (not that I eat junk food whenever I want anyway! But clearly I eat enough to keep me at this weight). So I have to give up a lot of happy to gain another kind of happy. Sometimes it feels worth it. Other times, not so much.

Brown rice and vegetables


The healthy eating thing is going pretty well. I am at the end of day two. I did have one little hiccup but mostly I have been eating very healthily: lots of fresh vegetables and fruit, brown rice and quinoa instead of white rice or pasta, small amounts of meat and dairy and olive oil, almonds, vegetable soup -- nothing processed, no salt, no sugar, no refined carbohydrates. I do feel good, both physically and mentally, but I have been craving sugar/carbs/fat and this afternoon I caved in and had a piece of raspberry marshmallow slice left over from Christmas. Definitely not on my "healthy food" list. It did quell the cravings though!
I did consider just giving up and eating more junk, but I resisted that. Back on the wagon. Come on, people, how hard can three days be?

Surprisingly, I haven't been craving salt. I have used things like lemon juice, garlic and chilli powder to flavour meals. I expected to really miss my salt, but the only thing I found I really wanted it on was a corn-on-the-cob. It was totally boring with no butter or salt.

Exercise-wise, Tim's new Kinnect was set up quite late yesterday so I only ended up doing 15 minutes of dance and had not gone to the gym. Today, though, I have both danced and done the Adventures game which is fun and really physical. Tim & I are planning another go of that once we have digested our dinner.

I have been trying to drink more (water with a squeeze of lemon juice) but it makes me need to pee so often! It is ridiculous. Today I have had three glasses of water and two mugs of clear soup, which is not really that much liquid, yet I have been to the bathroom at least every hour. Maybe more often. Usually I only have two or three glasses a day, so maybe my body has a lot of salt to flush out. Most days I am not thirsty at all, but oddly the more I drink the thirstier I get.

I feel that this is a good ending to the year and much better than pigging out then starting again on 1 Jan.

photo by babe_kl

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas and detoxing


We just spent three days revelling in the gastronomic debauchery that is Christmas. Had a lovely time with family and food, but it is time to turn the page.

I have made a committment to only eating healthy food for the next three days. That is; lots of plant-based food and a small amount meat, dairy and (good) fat. Nothing packaged or processed, no salt or sugar. I've felt pretty yuck after all the junk of the past few days so I just feel I need to let my body recover. I feel much better already after an apple for breakfast, garden salad with some pepitas and a little cheese for lunch, and a big fruit salad in the afternoon. It isn't many calories, but I haven't really been hungry for more. Lots of fat reserves to draw on! I have been craving junk a little bit though; I still have treats left. I have put them away where I don't see them. Tonight I will have more vegetables with quinoa and a small steak.

Christmas was on Sunday so I didn't weigh in, on Saturday I was 79.2 kg, this morning I was 79.7 kg.

photo by tuchodi

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The mojo has not left the building


I think I have my mojo back. There is such a huge difference between getting hot and sweaty and exhausted exercising because you are working hard, and getting hot and sweaty and exhausted exercising because you are unwell. I feel back on track, despite all the pre-Christmas food.

On Monday I went to BodyPump, using my old lighter weights. It was hard work, but only because I have lost a bit of fitness and muscle in the past month. Lifting weights made me feel strong and powerful again. Tuesday I had a haircut so missed the 9.30 class, so I just used the treadmill.

Today I did a lap around the lake. It was great weather for it; cool and cloudy like we've had most of the summer so far (really odd for December in Australia). I found being out in the fresh air lovely. Trees and grass and lake and lots of ducks and swans. I took the iPod for the first time and listened to music which really helped me keep the pace up. I didn't have my watch or heart-rate monitor on so I couldn't time myself properly -- it was 1 hour 10 mins from car to car but that included extra distance down to the lake from the carpark and back, and quite a long diversion around some roadworks near one of the bridges. I think it was probably about an hour once I remove those. I am very happy with that, considering.

It is Jasmine's last day of school today; Tim has finished work for the year and Aiden has finished preschool and childcare. Holidays! I have an editing job to do over the holidays and more than 30 books to read over the next two months, so I will still be pretty busy. But Tim is home and can help with the other stuff, like housework and childminding, so we should be able to carve out some fun family time. And Christmas in four days!

photo by Rowan Atkinson

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sunday weigh-in: 78.7 kg; down 0.6 kg


So; no exercise, lots of party food, finally lose some weight? Oh well, I am hardly complaining.

I did well over an hour of fairly strenuous gardening yesterday, cutting back an out-of-control youngberry bramble. A youngberry is the delicious offspring of a raspberry and a blackberry, but unfortunately it has the growth habits of the latter. Which I didn't know when I planted it in the barren pocket beside the garage. It is the first thing that has ever grown successfully there. Now it has completely filled the space and you can only approach it from one side so I spent some time hacking a tunnel into it so the kids and I could get to the berries.

No exercise today; yet another kids party then we finally finished all the Christmas shopping. I am going to the gym tomorrow. I am definitely fully recovered from my flu or whatever it was. I will start working on rebuilding my fitness. Not looking forward to those lunges!

Oo, I do like being under 79. Onwards and downwards.

photo by leibolmai

Thursday, December 15, 2011

All better, I think


Aiden and I saw the movie "Arthur Christmas" on Wednesday (I had wanted to take him for a bike ride but I was feeling particularly unwell Tuesday night and Wednesday morning so I needed something less active). I spent half of Thursday doing more Christmas shopping (I am finished now, Tim still has a bit more to do this weekend) then we had Jasmine's school concert, this morning was Aiden's preschool concert then I drove Tim to work and ran some other errands ... it's been a busy few days but with no exercise.

On the up side, yesterday and today I have been feeling pretty much all better. I feel myself again, which is great. Both healthier and happier.

I haven't exercised at all for a week, and before that I had only done limited walking for about three weeks. Wow, four weeks of ill health and very little exercise. I bet I have lost all my fitness and whatever muscle strength I had built up. It is just a few weeks out of a lifetime though.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Forward planning


Still not well, still not exercising. Still eating though.

Tomorrow is my very last Wednesday home alone with Aiden who is going to kindergarten five days a week next year. Of course we will have school holidays, starting in a week, but that will include my daughter as well. This will be my last day with just me and my baby. So even if I feel better (I certainly hope I will) I am not going to dump him in creche to exercise. And if that shows a lack of commitment to my health, I just don't care. I want to spend the day with my little boy, although I haven't worked out what we will be doing yet.

Less than two weeks to Christmas, three to the end of the year. Time to think about some goals and new plans.

Short term: to get over whatever germ is holding me back. Rest, fluids, healthy food that will help my body get over this. Not exhausting myself Christmas shopping then eating junk. Start at least walking again, hopefully on Thursday if I am up to it. Maintain my current weight if I can't lose any. Enjoy Christmas with the family. Get out of this funk.

2012: January is school holidays all month. Nevertheless, I will be back to vigorous exercise for at least an hour five days a week. I don't want to get up early but I will go to the gym when I can; like on weekends, if a friend can take the kids for a playdate for an hour, or the occassional creche session when that opens again. Use some of the other-people-minding-the-kids times to get back to jogging around the lake. Use the new Kinnect to dance for an hour (I think that will be more exhausting than a gym session!) -- with the kids! -- and if no-one gets me an exercise game for it for Christmas I will buy one for myself. Get the garden under control -- that won't count as vigorous exercise but it will be extra. Eat healthily, under my calorie limit five days a week. When we go for our week at the beach, be active every day.

In February, when the kids start school, I will continue all this (and will be able to get to the gym more often); but I am also considering joining Weight Watchers because there should finally be a meeting time I can get to. I think the support and accountability will help. And a new way of tracking food is always exciting.

My goal is to lose half a kilo (about a pound; I think 1 kg = 2.2 pounds) per week, 2 kilos a month. Slow and steady, but will get me there eventually. A year to lose the weight. A long time, but I will be a year older by then whether I lose weight or not. I want to be at my goal weight next Christmas. I can do this. Despite all evidence from the past.

The upper limit of my healthy weight range for my height is 58 kg and that would be great; but I remember feeling pretty sexy at 63 kg. Even 69 kg, for my wedding day, wasn't too bad -- although my body was a different shape back then, before children; an hourglass not an apple. It was gradual, but I really started to be miserable with my body at around 75 kg. I'm now 79, down from a high of 83. Although that scale was a bit nasty and I might not have been quite that high. Anyway, my first goal is 75 kg; just 4 kg away. And my medium-term goal is 69 kg by my birthday at the beginning of July. I could probably live happily at 69 kg, although of course I don't plan to stop there. But at the moment my biggest motivation is weight loss, I think from 69 kg down it will be more to do with enjoying being fit and active rather than hating my body.

I have basically lost no weight over the past five months, since I started exercising regularly (this time). First mark on my graph was 79.6 kg on 17 July, today I was 79.1 kg on 13 December. Half a kilo, one pound, and it fluctuates day by day so that half a kilo is meaningless. Depressing. But I was reading again this morning that exercise alone is shown again and again to have no effect on weight loss unless diet is also tackled. People just eat more to compensate. My husband has lost weight, cycling for an hour & a half a day, without "dieting"; but his calories are restricted -- he takes a healthy lunch and two pieces of fruit to work and that is all he has all the long day. Sure he has a big dinner at home but he is not eating freely all day like I do. I need to get the eating under control.

I still struggle every day with the short-term wanting the party in my mouth now, and wanting to lose weight. Weight loss is so slow, so not "right now". And you have to resist the food over and over. I will work on it.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Trauma at the dinner table


Last night, after having people over for BBQ lunch and feeling sick all day but then having a nice nap while Tim took the kids out Christmas shopping, I made roast beef for dinner. Sunday night is always roast night, and although I wasn't really hungry I was looking forward to it. I found the cooking process pretty tiring and I was feeling a bit worn out and grumpy as I got up from the table to get myself a drink after dishing out for everyone. When I got back to my seat, I saw a huge fly take off from my plate. I was pretty sure it had been on my roast beef. Gross, I thought, deciding not to eat that end of the slice.

I sat down and looked at it. At the squirming pile of tiny fly maggots writhing on my roast beef. OMG. With my hand over my mouth, I thrust my plate away and fled from the room, yelling at my husband to get rid of it for me. I sat on my bed and had a hysterical cry. I guess I was already overwrought from the exhausting day, and the shock of revulsion was just too much. Tim came in and I managed to explain what was wrong; he went and looked then came back to say he couldn't see anything. I went out and showed him, they had spread out a bit but still obvious to my horrified eyes. So he threw it out for me and that was dinner over with for me. I did have a couple of pieces of potato later, but I couldn't face the beef even though it was nicely covered in foil the whole time it had been out of the oven.

I know I am very lucky to be able to be so precious about having pristine food. Apparently 75% of Australians are in the top 10% of wealth in the world; and we are certainly in that demographic. I can afford to throw away food that a fly has laid its revolting babies on. And I will.

photo by Gerald Yuvallos

Sunday weigh-in: 79.3 kg; up 0.3 kg

Forgot to mention this in today's post. Don't know why I bothered, really.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas BBQ


The general unwellness has continued. I did Christmas shopping on Thursday, did two half-hour walks on Friday, 2 kids parties and a swimming lesson on Saturday, and today we had a Christmas BBQ here. I felt vaguely unwell through most of those days, but particularly last night and this morning when I felt really bad with stomach pains.

I was lying on my bed this morning in between trying to get the house ready for guests thinking that although I don't like being sick and hope I get better soon, I find "definitely sick" easier to deal with emotionally than "maybe a bit sick". With the latter, I have the negative self-talk of "you aren't sick, just fat and lazy; you should feel very guilty that you are not exercising vigorously." When I am clearly unwell, like with bad stomach pains that make it hard to stand up for long periods, at least I don't have that psychological trauma!

I am worn out from preparing for and then being sparkly hostess during our BBQ; so time for a nap. Tim is taking the kids out Christmas shopping for presents for me so I will get a nice quiet house.

I have been worrying lately about finding time to exercise during the six-week school holidays. For half of that time they don't even have creche available, and when they do it would cost me $10 per session total for the two kids (I get four free per month, only two with both kids) -- that would add up very quickly. The only way I could think of was going really early to be back before Tim goes to work. But we are getting a Kinnect for Christmas and the dance game so maybe I can do that with the kids every day instead.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Where is my exercise mojo?


I went to BodyPump on Monday. Found it pretty hard going, even with the lighter weights. And it sucked. What has happened to my mojo? I used to really like BodyPump, not so very long ago. It made me feel strong and powerful. Now it is hard and depressing.

Tuesday I spent the entire school day Christmas shopping. I only covered one section of the big Civic centre, so I guess I didn't even walk all that far. Was exhausted by the end of the day though. And I forgot to pick up ingredients for dinner so we had pizza, so the next morning (today) I was up to 80 kg, probably water retention from all that salt. We had people over in the evening and I was struggling to follow the conversation, even though I didn't feel sick. It was like my brain was elsewhere.

This morning I felt pretty awful. My husband got up very early to catch a plane and I didn't go back to sleep until it was nearly time for me to get up so I felt yuck when I was re-woken. Then on the way to dropping my daughter at school I suddenly felt really nauseous. My mouth filled with saliva, like it does when you are going to puke. I pulled over and got out of the car for a minute and felt ok again, more or less. I was determined to go to the gym, but I scaled it down from a class to a walk on the treadmill. I walked for 30 mins, slowly. And even that was hard. WTF is going on with my energy levels? They are zero. Am I sick? Am I not yet recovered from the flu? Am I just experiencing general tiredness and need to get on with it?

A contributing factor (look away gentlemen, if you like, from a bit of TMI) might be my period. I skipped my last one to try to change the date of the next so I wouldn't have my period during our upcoming week on the beach. This is quite acceptable practice and there are even instructions in the box of contraceptives on how to do it. I've done it before with no ill effects (that I remember). But this time; about the time my period would have ended, 'breakthrough bleeding' started. I have basically been slowly leaking menstrual fluids for two weeks now. I may be affected by such a long menstrual period. Am I aenemic from blood-loss? Am I affected by hormonal changes? Whatever it is, I hope it is over soon.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The end of a big day

More Sunday:

I didn't have much food at the kids party I attended in the morning, although a little piece of birthday cake ends up having a lot of calories, but my calories for the day were completely blown out by lunch at Kingsley (like KFC). I only had two pieces of (fried) chicken and a few chips, but that was half of my daily allowance of food! For dinner I had a plate piled with roast lamb, one little piece of potato, and nothing else. Not a healthy day. When I tallied up my calories for the day it was over 2100; and worse, 52% of calories were from fat!

Even my days off need to be enjoyed in moderation. I definitely could have made better choices.

No exercise today, by the time we ferried the kids to two birthday parties and did some Christmas shopping and then I made dinner I was too exhausted to even go for a walk. The kids have been pretty hyperactive this evening, I hope there isn't a devestating post-sugar crash before they get to sleep. My little girl is especially prone to peaking then crashing after sugar binges and ending the day in tears.

Another Monday tomorrow -- back to healthy food and exercise. I weighed in at 79 kg this morning, I am determined to get under that and stay under it. End of this hovering around 79 for three months!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Sunday weigh-in: 79 kg; down 0.3 kg


Yesterday I walked to the local fruit markets and back (with a backpack full of fruit) then also did 45 mins on the treadmill at the gym -- so about 1 hr 15 mins in total. A couple of short jogs on the treadmill. I also stuck to my calories. I had plenty of my allowance left in the evening so was able to have some chocolate. I broke off a row -- 4 squares -- and sat at my computer. Had 3, and that was enough. I had that one square sitting there looking at me but it didn't make me crave it, or eat it even though I no longer wanted it, it just made me happy because I knew I could eat it if I wanted to. I didn't have the sense of deprivation from the previous day where I wasn't allowed.

Today will have to be one of my "off diet" days. Kids party in the morning, lunch out while we are Christmas shopping, and roast lamb for dinner. I don't think I will be under my calorie limit! And I foolishly started the day with eggs on toast. Nothing wrong with eggs or toast, but it was about twice as many calories of any of my usual breakfasts. Less left for the rest of the day. And I didn't even really enjoy it. I seem to like eggs less and less lately. Maybe they aren't so good without bacon on the side! I get free range so they should taste the nicest. But I guess I've never really been a huge egg fan. My husband likes scrambled eggs when he is feeling sick, but the smell turns my stomach if I am unwell. The last thing I would want to eat. Vegemite on toast is the way to calm an upset stomach. My grandparents, and then uncle, had a poultry farm until 20 years ago; the nicest egg is one you have picked up seconds after you watch the hen lay it and then you cook it straight away.

While on the treadmill yesterday I tried to work out how long my pace is. I'm sure it varies a bit (or a lot), and being on a treadmill is different to being outside, but it is better than my original guesstimate. My stride for a double step (one of each foot) is something like 1.3 metres. 70 paces takes me about 100 metres. Good to know. It means last time I did the lap of the lake, I ran more than 1 km of the 5 km, in 100 metre bursts. Exciting. I didn't know I was running that far. I look forward to getting back into doing laps of the lake. For a while there I was all about BodyPump, now suddenly I want to run! I was definitely one of the sceptics who thought I would never run -- but I already am. A bit.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I rambled on earlier today about craving food and wanting to feel full, amongst other rants, and I feel like adding more.

I ate quite frugally all day and then had a big dinner -- fajitas. All home made and healthy but quite high calorie in the end with two tortillas, meat, & oil in the marinade. Also lots of vegetables and spicy sauce. Good blend of everything and very filling. Probably more food, in fact, than I needed; considering how full I felt afterwards. But as I said earlier, I like that full feeling; so I was happy. I plugged in the ingredients into my calorie counter and it was lucky I had eaten carefully all day because it was a big chunk of calories. It took me up to within 24 calories of my daily allottment after allowing for the exercise I did today. 24 calories left over. Excellent.

Then the thoughts started.

I can't have any more food today.

I am very full, very satisfied.

But I can't have any more food today.

I went and looked at the label on some Lindt dark chocolate. Can I have one square, later, after anticipating it and looking forward to it for a while? No: 36 calories.

I am not hungry. Not at all.

But I can't have any more food today!!!

How do I stop wanting wanting wanting?

How do I stop thinking about food? Stressing that I am not allowed food? I know I can have a baby carrot or some herbal tea if I need to put something in my stomach. But that isn't what I want.

Thursday, December 1, 2011



I went to BodyPump this morning but I really struggled. I tried the heavier weights, dropped back to the lighter weights, still struggled. Still not 100% well, I guess. I was feeling a bit dizzy so I left near the end; I still got about 45 mins plus the 7 mins on the treadmill I did first.

I ate well most of yesterday but had lots of junk food and a couple of drinks at D&D supper. It was planned, I guess. If that makes it ok. Today I have been eating heathfully all day, so that is good. I have worked out that I feel unsatisfied by merely 'not hungry'. I want my stomach to be full. Overfull! That perfect spot between stuffed full and actually feeling nauseated. Not a healthy spot, not a weight-loss spot; but somehow a comforting spot. When I am only 'not hungry' I feel healthy and virtuous; but I don't feel satisfied. The body hunger is satiated, the other hunger is not.

I don't even know what that other hunger is about. How is it satisfied by food when it isn't really that kind of hunger? Is it just that our bodies lag behind cultural evolution -- humans (in first world countries, anyway, of course there are some parts of the world very different to where I live) no longer need to gorge like lions do to get through the lean days; but maybe our bodies haven't worked that out yet. We still crave fatty food although we have clothes and central heating to keep us warm, we still want to feast even though there will no shortage of food tomorrow, our bodies cling on to every molecule of fat just in case we need it. So maybe I don't need to search for some kind of deep psychological or emotional disturbance that causes me to eat more than I should. Maybe it's just normal.

I've been feeling a bit depressed for a while now. Not all the time, but quite often. Nothing like so bad as when I had PND, but I am tired and sad and listless and short-tempered. Struggling to cope. Trying not to snap at the kids. Trying to muster the energy to work, to cook dinner, to chat to my husband. I don't know if it is caused by internal or external factors. I am unhappy with how I look and frustrated by my lack of weight loss despite all my exercise. I hate that my shoulder is still so stiff I am not even close to being able to do up my own bra, which means that after the gym and my shower -- when I have no-one to help me -- I have to wear the front-fastening granny bra I got from a mastectomy clinic because it was the only place I could find a front-fasting bra that wasn't for barely-developed teenagers; and it makes my breasts look flat and saggy and old under my clothes. I can't even wear a crop-top style bra because wriggling into it would be too difficult as I can't get my elbow higher than my shoulder. I can't shop for clothes after having been to the gym because everything looks awful over this bra. I am unhappy that my husband spends all his time at work at the moment and either gets home as the kids are going to bed or else much later; and he is tired and stressed and has high blood pressure and I don't know when this stage of his job will be over. I'm not enjoying anything very much at the moment and now I am even taking food away? Today, I feel like everything sucks.