What makes me happy

Thursday:

I decided two days of detoxing was enough. And ate quite a few of my Christmas treats -- little fun-size packs of things Santa put in my stocking. Yummy.

I dropped nearly a kg (2 pounds) in the two days I ate so carefully. Strangely, this kind of depressed me. Partly because I know it was really just water weight or whatever they call it which will probably go straight back on as soon as I start eating normally again, but mainly because I feel like that lifestyle is so unsustainable. Is that how thin people have to eat all the time? Do you get used to it?

As far as I can remember, I have lost weight only a couple of times in my life (the rest has been a slow and steady increase). Just before my wedding, nearly ten years ago, my mum paid for me to go on SureSlim; a low calorie, no junk food, very low-carb diet with weekly one-on-one chats with a counsellor. I stuck to it reasonably closely for quite a few weeks, lost 5 kg (11 pounds), and was tired and cranky and miserable the entire time. Tim vowed never to let me go on that kind of diet again.

Then just before I turned 40 I lost about 2.5 kg in two weeks. I got up at 5.45 am every morning in the freezing dark in the middle of winter to go to the gym, doing intensive exercise like BodyStep, and restricted my calories. Then I hurt my shoulder.

These last couple of days I have lost weight by cutting out just about every food I like. Do I want to live like that?

What I really want out of life is to be happy. So what makes me happy? I think that being thinner would make me happier: healthier, more attractive, fit into nice clothes, more energy etc. But chocolate also makes me happy. And twisties. And KFC. I feel good when I eat fatty/salty food. "Occasional treat" is not at all the same as "whenever I want" (not that I eat junk food whenever I want anyway! But clearly I eat enough to keep me at this weight). So I have to give up a lot of happy to gain another kind of happy. Sometimes it feels worth it. Other times, not so much.