Thursday, December 1, 2011



I went to BodyPump this morning but I really struggled. I tried the heavier weights, dropped back to the lighter weights, still struggled. Still not 100% well, I guess. I was feeling a bit dizzy so I left near the end; I still got about 45 mins plus the 7 mins on the treadmill I did first.

I ate well most of yesterday but had lots of junk food and a couple of drinks at D&D supper. It was planned, I guess. If that makes it ok. Today I have been eating heathfully all day, so that is good. I have worked out that I feel unsatisfied by merely 'not hungry'. I want my stomach to be full. Overfull! That perfect spot between stuffed full and actually feeling nauseated. Not a healthy spot, not a weight-loss spot; but somehow a comforting spot. When I am only 'not hungry' I feel healthy and virtuous; but I don't feel satisfied. The body hunger is satiated, the other hunger is not.

I don't even know what that other hunger is about. How is it satisfied by food when it isn't really that kind of hunger? Is it just that our bodies lag behind cultural evolution -- humans (in first world countries, anyway, of course there are some parts of the world very different to where I live) no longer need to gorge like lions do to get through the lean days; but maybe our bodies haven't worked that out yet. We still crave fatty food although we have clothes and central heating to keep us warm, we still want to feast even though there will no shortage of food tomorrow, our bodies cling on to every molecule of fat just in case we need it. So maybe I don't need to search for some kind of deep psychological or emotional disturbance that causes me to eat more than I should. Maybe it's just normal.

I've been feeling a bit depressed for a while now. Not all the time, but quite often. Nothing like so bad as when I had PND, but I am tired and sad and listless and short-tempered. Struggling to cope. Trying not to snap at the kids. Trying to muster the energy to work, to cook dinner, to chat to my husband. I don't know if it is caused by internal or external factors. I am unhappy with how I look and frustrated by my lack of weight loss despite all my exercise. I hate that my shoulder is still so stiff I am not even close to being able to do up my own bra, which means that after the gym and my shower -- when I have no-one to help me -- I have to wear the front-fastening granny bra I got from a mastectomy clinic because it was the only place I could find a front-fasting bra that wasn't for barely-developed teenagers; and it makes my breasts look flat and saggy and old under my clothes. I can't even wear a crop-top style bra because wriggling into it would be too difficult as I can't get my elbow higher than my shoulder. I can't shop for clothes after having been to the gym because everything looks awful over this bra. I am unhappy that my husband spends all his time at work at the moment and either gets home as the kids are going to bed or else much later; and he is tired and stressed and has high blood pressure and I don't know when this stage of his job will be over. I'm not enjoying anything very much at the moment and now I am even taking food away? Today, I feel like everything sucks.

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