Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Nine: funeral


Today was not a great day.

This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.

Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.

We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.

I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.

Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.

When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.

What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.

Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).


  1. Funerals are always so difficult. I find I get emotionally caught up in them even if I didn't know the person who died very well. Maybe, like you, I think about the people I've lost.

    1. I suppose there is nothing wrong with feeling sad. It makes for a difficult day though.

  2. I gave myself a pass at last week's funeral of my friend's father - having a small plate of the great foods the church ladies had prepared, then some pie. While it may have stalled out any weight loss for the day, I'm not gonna be that weirdo declining to eat any of the SAD (Sterotypical American Diet) offerings...

    1. It can be easier to go with the flow, and I think that is fine and we shouldn't have to think about our "diet" all the time. But it depends how often it happens, I guess. I can find an excuse every day if I try.

  3. Funerals are not easy, and it is only natural to think about those we have lost. Life sometimes does get difficult and emotional ...
    Then there are other days that are at the opposite end of the spectrum and we are laughing and happy.

    Take care

    All the best Jan