Nine: funeral

Wednesday:

Today was not a great day.

This morning Tim and I went to the funeral of Veronica's father. Veronica is Tim's cousin's wife, part of our close family circle. The one who lives near the beach. I barely knew her dad, but I was there for her. I found it quite emotional as it's been less than a year since my own father died, and my mother a couple of months before that. I struggled quite a bit before the service started, just from sitting in that sad atmosphere.

Once the service started I was ok, because obviously it was all about Veronica's father which took my mind off my own losses. The family gave some lovely memories. But then I started wondering what I would say at Darren's funeral when the time came, assuming I live longer than he does. It would be a small gathering of family and I would find it hard to come up with happy memories. Just "My brother struggled with mental illness all his life..." Maybe I could make the stories where he made life hell for other people amusing. It was a morbid sort of inner conversation I was having with myself.

We stayed for a chat afterwards and I had some cake. I would have liked to have eaten a lot more! It was nice cake. But I was strong (relatively speaking, I know I could have had none at all) and told myself I'd had enough, even when ladies brought trays of food around the room. I could wait to go home and have a healthy lunch. Tim went in to work.

I'd been feeling quite well, physically, but sometime after lunch I started feeling really sick again. It's "just a cold" but it never gives up! I spent much of the afternoon napping on the lounge, or blowing my nose. Once I finally got up I had a tea with sugar for the first time in a week (and it was delicious), and a couple of mini Easter eggs that I hadn't thrown away because I didn't think they'd even tempt me with their mediocre quality Easter chocolate. It was only a small amount but I shouldn't have been having any.

Finally I was determined to cook a proper dinner but when I got up and started I really felt rotten. And is it hygienic to prepare food between nose blows, even if you wash your hands constantly? Though I suppose everyone in the house has already had this germ. Anyway I ordered pizza.

When I just look at the calories for the day, they are only a little over where they should be. I did not mindlessly binge at any point. But too much sugar, too many carbs, not enough real healthy food, not enough self-control. I need to not catastrophize this, forgive myself and move on; but at the same time be accountable and work on doing better. It was a hard day.

What I ate:
B: chicken, cucumber, tomato, tea (no sugar).
S: cake.
L: half a steak, roast vegetables.
S: three mini Easter eggs, tea (with sugar).
D: pepperoni pizza.

Water: six cups so far. I'll try for a couple more before bed (not too close to bed time).