Wednesday, May 23, 2012



I don't know what is going on with me at the moment. I seem to have lost all motivation and momentum. I have barely exercised this month, rarely tracked, often eaten with disregard for the WW rules. It's weigh-in tomorrow and I will definitely have a gain this week.

I was sick earlier in the week and although I don't feel sick now I do still feel tired and a bit down. I hesitate to use the word depressed as that has such a specific clinical meaning these days, but certainly down in spirits. I have been sneezing and my eyes are very watery and I wonder if this is a bit of post-flu depression? I feel like I'm having some kind of existensial crisis. Am I really any good at my job? It certainly doesn't make much money. Why am I trying to lose weight -- will my life be any different if I do? What do I want my life to be like anyway?

The lack of exercise may be affecting my spirits, and/or the cold weather. Or not enough sleep. Or isolation. My best friend here started a full time job yesterday so there won't be any more after-school playdates and cups of tea. There used to be several other families we would get together with, but haven't for a while. I work from home, alone all day; see other parents briefly when I pick up the kids from school; Tim gets home in the evening, last night quite late but always after the kids & I have had dinner and they are getting ready for bed. I don't see anyone or talk to anyone all day. I read other people's blogs and get a thrill if they reply to a comment I have made. Sometimes I play online computer games -- World of Warcraft always had lots of chat with real people but there doesn't seem to be any of that on Rift, and my current game -- Diablo 3 -- is not multiplayer unless you link up with people you know as Tim & I sometimes do in the evenings.

I was wondering last night if quitting the gym was a bad idea. I was really enjoying my Kinect games at the time but going to the gym got me out of the house and at least seeing other people even if I rarely spoke to them. And lately I haven't even been doing Kinect games.

I used to go out to meetings relating to my writing and editing -- three nights a month -- and they involved real interaction with other people. I would even sometimes meet up with people during the day to sit in a cafe and write. For for many months now I just couldn't be bothered. Even though Tim would make a big effort to get home in time, I wouldn't go. Too cold out, too dark, too tired, can't be bothered. Prefer watching TV.

At the moment, aside from the occasional kids' playdate which seem to have dried up, I generally see people twice a week. D&D supper night, and my WW meeting. I don't think it is enough. But the thing is, I don't really feel like I want to see people. Often when I have the opportunity, I don't. So much easier to just slump at home.

I don't feel like working. I don't feel like exercising. I don't feel like arranging to meet people and have a good time.

Maybe I am a bit depressed.

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