Wednesday, August 7, 2013



Last night Tim and I had our second Salsabor lesson. It was supposed to be the third, but with all the busyness last week I arrived late and drove round and round unable to find a parking spot and couldn't cope and went home (after picking up Tim).

Last year, as a 10 year anniversary present, I arranged for us to do Ballroom Dancing lessons. There were some problems with it, the main one being that we kept having to swap partners so rarely got to dance with each other. We were there to spend time doing something together! There were other issues too, like one really unpleasant woman who smacked one of my children on the hand for eating too much from the fruit platter! and we gave it up after a few lessons.

Salsabor, which is Latin dancing, at least has an average age of about 30 instead of about 70 (I may well be the oldest person there at 43). We still don't get to dance with each other much though. We warm up and learn the new steps without a partner, then after partnering up we dance for only a couple of minutes before we move on to the next person. Luckily everyone seems nice and it's a fun kind of exercise. I just wish I got to dance with Tim, which is really what I am there for.

The very worst thing about it is the mirrors.

It my own head, when not actually looking at myself, I am a bit overweight but generally pleasing to the eye. In particular, when I talk to (or dance with) men I assume I am attractive. I don't mean I flirt with them, or that I expect them to fancy me, it's just my default assumption that I am nice to look at; kind of cute. And then I see myself in the wall of mirrors, when I see I am fat and dumpy and short and old.

Any time I see myself in the mirror or in a photo I get a bit of a shock. I am so much fatter than I imagine. The dance studio means the realisation is forced on me over and over. I am not really comfortable until I am partner dancing with my back to the mirrors, with men smiling and chatting as if it is not torture for them to dance with me.

I've been really struggling with my moods lately. I don't know if its connected to my menstrual issues. Probably, as they are both hormonal. My doctor is sending me to have a pelvic ultrasound next week as I am having heavy between-period bleeding even though I am on the pill. I feel like I have PMS several times a month. Depressed and unable to cope and therefore very snappy and irritable. I don't know what she expects the ultrasound to find. I've been resisting doing too much internet research, I have a tendency towards hypochondria and I'd be sure to find something dire that more-or-less matched my symptoms and I'd be suddenly sure I had uterine cancer or something. It's probably just peri-menopause.

My diet hasn't been very good this week, but at least I am getting two things done every day: writing my novel and exercise. As long as I can tick those two off each day I don't feel too bad.

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