Hiking around this wide brown land

Tuesday:

I spent the morning at the Arboretum café writing, then went out onto the hillsides for a walk. There are "trails" that are literally just signposts on the grass between the baby trees.

Which makes it kind of fun. And I was wearing my new hiking boots. I walked from the café on one hill up a bigger hill with this statue thing on top:

This is a quote from Australia's most famous poem:

I love a sunburnt country, a land of sweeping plains,

Of rugged mountain ranges, of droughts and flooding rains,

I love her far horizons, I love her jewelled sea,

Her beauty and her terror, this wide brown land for me.

It was written by an Englishwoman, Dorothy McKeller, and there is a second verse about how England is pretty nice too, but no one knows that one.

And when you turn around, you get this lovely view:

Not sure about the weird spiky trees.

Climbing up the hill was fine but going down down down into that valley was a bit hard on the knees. My boots made me feel very secure though, no slipping! Then back up an extremely steep slope to the café again, I don't think that bit was supposed to be climbed. There actually turned out to be a little fence at the top that I had to step over. I had to keep my arms out wile climbing to balance. Any steeper and I would have been crawling. So I felt pretty good about powering up it. I may hate many forms of exercise, like jumping or bending, but I do like walking and climbing.

In all, 45 mins of hiking around the hills.

And I have had what is possibly my biggest win of the year so far. I bought a family size packet of chips yesterday to share tonight at D&D. And I haven't eaten them yet! I don't even know why I dared buy them, so many times before they haven't lasted an hour. These have lasted two days - an exciting new flavour I haven't tried before. Still unopened. If you have a trigger food that you usually can't resist if it is in the house, that you will eat until you are feeling sick and then put aside only long enough to feel a bit less sick then finish them, you'll know how big a deal this is to me.

Chase the Stars 2

Monday:

This morning I weighed in at 85 kg exactly. Still going up, and now only 1 kg lower than my highest PREGNANT weight. I was dreading this so much that it was almost a relief to see the number. No, not almost, an actual relief. Weird, huh? It was like, ok, there it is, now I can stop worrying I'll hit that number and just get on with it.

This past weekend was the second official Chase the Stars 5k. I didn't get out there and do it, no excuse, but I went first thing this morning. To make sure, I even drove the kids to school and went straight on to the lake. I was scared if I got everyone out of the house, first day of term, I would then sit down with a nice cup of tea and relax the day away.

When I got there it was cloudy and cold, I had some layers on but my hands were pretty chilly.

But by half-way round the sky had partly cleared. I took a few pictures of swans. That is the National Library in the background, and the avenue of trees that I get to in the next picture.

 By the end it was sunny and lovely. Here is some autumn colour. This is why I love walking around the lake! So pretty.



It took me a long time to walk around. I was doing my Zombies, Run! app, I had to run away from zombies a couple of times but otherwise was walking briskly. It's a bit more than 5k and it took me about 1 hr 05 mins. Unfortunately the app froze at 1 hr and then inexplicably only recorded 4.12 km in 50:10 min so it went back in time and space. It has recorded me for more than an hour before so I have no idea why it did that. Anyway, I did my 5k walk and got my exercise done for the day!

End of the holidays

Sunday:

Ok, that last post was my attempt to post a picture of my very cute puppy at two weeks of age. The breeder sent me a photo via email but for some reason I've been completely unable to copy and paste it successfully. We get to meet him in two weeks but don't bring him home for a few weeks after that.

We went ten-pin bowling today. I suck. I tried without bumpers today and just managed to beat the kids in the second game. Tim came way ahead in both games.

We've had a quiet week, apart from my dad visiting with his girlfriend. Cool gloomy weather. I am still struggling with not enough sleep. My ability to tolerate the CPAP is very variable. Some nights I am fine with it until dawn, others I rip it off in frustration at 2am. Like last night. I have to persist with it and I'll get used to it eventually, I'm sure. Nutrition likewise varies. Exercise unfortunately consistently non-existent.

The school holidays are over, the kids go back to school tomorrow. So I need to get back into a routine of writing and exercising. When we took dad on a cruise around the lake when he was here, I was looking at the walkers around the foreshore wishing I was one of them instead of sitting on the little ferry listening to the commentary for the millionth time. So that is where I plan to start tomorrow.

Being a good host?

Thursday:

If health scares (and shrinking clothes) aren't enough to shock me into working on my health, well then I'll just have to do it anyway.

It is just under ten weeks until my birthday. A good slice of time to work with. Lets see what I can do in ten weeks.

I tried to take the kids to see a movie (the Lego movie) today but the shopping centre was so busy that I couldn't get a parking spot. There were queues of cars going round and round, hoping to pounce when someone left. It is a long weekend here from tomorrow (ANZAC Day, which is to thank our military for their sacrifices) so I guess it was people stocking up on food for that plus school holiday crowds of parents looking for something to do with their bored children. It was weird though, I've never seen it that bad except in the days before Christmas. We gave up after a few laps of the three sections of car-park and came home and they watched Harry Potter on DVD. I was glad I'd done all my grocery shopping earlier in the week.

My dad visited yesterday with his new girlfriend, we went on a boat cruise around the lake then dinner here. He's visiting his brother today but will be back for dinner again tonight. I try not to be a food pusher but my idea of being a good host includes having food available, so chocolate biscuits on the table at afternoon tea time, dessert at dinner time, and cheese and crackers for supper. Wendy had mentioned to me that she had recently lost of lot of weight (nearly 30 kg, 60 pounds) after gaining it when her husband died, and I felt guilty later about offering her all that unhealthy food. I didn't force anything on her (I offer once and don't press) but her idea of being a good guest might include accepting what is offered, especially if the host made it themself and also I know myself that it's not a easy thing to turn down something you like if it's right in front of you. What do people suggest in this circumstance? I know that no-one needs snacks between meals or dessert but it is normal to offer. I suppose I should just make sure there are healthier options available, like fruit maybe, and continue to only offer each thing once.

Lost

Wednesday:

I am feeling quite lost at the moment in terms of getting healthy. I keep thinking "THIS thing (a new milestone high weight, a photo of myself, pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, fat clothes too small, having to wear a machine to help me breathe at night for goodness sake) will be the thing that gets me permanently motivated. But after a panicked couple of days I slip straight back into my old ways. I don't know how to stop this upward creep on the scales.

I used to have a fair bit of scorn (sorry) for overweight people who have "tried everything" yet are still fat. How about trying eating less/healthy and exercising? Simple, right? It may be simple, but that doesn't mean easy. Or even moderately difficult. It is so hard that it can seem impossible.

Maybe I am addicted to sugar and processed food or maybe stuff from my childhood has affected me or I have the wrong gut bacteria or who knows what? Maybe the reasons are relevant. I don't know. I am stuck.

I am full of excuses. We are having visitors, so I have to make dessert, and I have to eat some. I can't exercise today because I'm not wearing the right bra. Easter means I'm allowed to eat lots of chocolate. I want it. I don't feel like it. An event with unhealthy eating is coming up so I might as well start after that is over. I don't know what to have to breakfast. I'm too tired. I don't like yoghurt unless I have strawberries to put in it. Vegetables are boring. It's cold, so I'm craving fatty food. I like chips. If I exercise I'll get sweaty and then I'll have to shower and change. It might rain. It's too hot. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I feel self-conscious at this weight. Experts disagree on whether this is bad for me, so I can do what I want. I've already ruined today, I'll start tomorrow.

CPAP and new shoes

Tuesday:

It's still school holidays here for another week. Today we had some things to do. First I had an appointment with the sleep doctor. They are changing the settings on my CPAP from automatic - where it increases the air pressure if I'm not breathing deeply enough,  to constant - a continuous higher pressure that keeps me breathing deeply all the time. They always try both on patients to see which works better for them. This should be the last two weeks of my trial before I decide what to buy.

I mentioned to the doctor that the first mask had been slipping off because it was too loose and not very adjustable, so I'd come in and the technician had switched me to the older model mask which was more adjustable. It was staying on very well but in every other way wasn't as good as the newer model I'd tried first. Louder, and bigger so made under my nose sweat and itch. And as I lie on my side, it was pressing against my face and I was waking with a sore tooth. So he switched me back to the newer model mask, but in a smaller size that fit me better! Why couldn't the tech do that! That's why the doctor gets the big money... Oh well, just glad to have it. Will see how it goes tonight.

Then I took the kids (who had been patiently playing their Nintendo DSs in the waiting room) shoe shopping. Aiden and I now have hiking boots for winter (not necessarily for hiking, but warm and sturdy and I love the look) and dressy boots for Jasmine. The heels they have on boots for ten year old girls! Ridiculous. Managed to find a pair with lower, wider heels that she liked (she was tottering like a newly awakened zombie in the narrow high ones), although they are having to order in the right colour.

I love my boots. They were on sale at a proper hiking store, and I was really disappointed when they said they didn't have a size 6 - normally the smallest adult size - the last ones they had were a size 5. But I looked at them and they didn't seem that tiny so I tried them on and they are fine. Plenty of toe-wiggling room. So I guess their 5 is my 6. Most places don't even have an adult women's 5.

Then the grocery shopping. I told the kids they could have a food treat at the end of all this. They don't need a bribe, they are always well behaved, but it would be afternoon tea time anyway. And I decided to get myself a chocolate éclair from the French patisserie. I was so looking forward to it as I trudged around the grocery store. Then we got there and the patisserie was all closed up, apparently permanently! Crushed! I got something else from another shop which I didn't really want and didn't enjoy all that much. I didn't finish it, but I did eat most of it. So I felt cheated and guilty both. That is when I feel the worst about eating unhealthy food - if I don't even enjoy it.

We had a sunny morning but it is grey and windy now. I think we are in for a storm.

photo from Kathmandu

Easter bunny

Monday:

Happy Easter everyone. We don't eat anything special on Easter other than chocolate eggs so it wasn't a particularly bad day diet-wise. And despite the chocolate I've lost half of that horrible holiday "salt" weight, down to 83.9kg. Still not great. Back to working on it today.

Nothing exciting happening here to talk about. Oh, except my husband and I got to level 90 (the maximum) in World of Warcraft. We hadn't played for ages (defected to Rift) but started again recently and I've really enjoyed it. We play as a team. Jasmine gave us both hand-made certificates which was very cute.

One of her teeth fell out last night so the tooth fairy came. She still believes in the tooth fairy. And the Easter bunny. And Santa Claus. She is ten. Aiden, who is seven, is starting to question. It's probably time to have the talk. But I thought it would happen naturally before now. At this age, keeping up the pretence is starting to feel more like lying. With all of these, we have tended to lump them in with God and aliens - we say that some people believe in them and some people don't and you get to make up your own mind and it can be hard to know one way or the other. Yet then we leave Easter eggs around the house which is "proof" that the bunny exists!

I've heard the story that Spike Milligan used to write notes to his children from the fairies at the bottom of the garden in teeny tiny script, and so they believed in fairies well into their teens. Is this making their childhood magical, or just really weird and wrong to let it go on so long? Has anyone else had to have this talk with their kids because they seemed too old for it?

Scale says holidays are fattening

Saturday:

I thought I did pretty well on our little holiday - sure we ate out every meal but we only had dessert once the whole time and didn't eat much between meals, and we did lots more exercise than I am used to with walking everywhere. But my scale says no. Restaurant food (and some fast food) all full of fat and salt and probably sugar.

It's Easter tomorrow which for us generally means a lot of chocolate. I tried to keep it a bit smaller this year but I don't think I succeeded, in the end. My son doesn't like chocolate much so I had to get him something else, and then his sister's treat looked too small in comparison so I got a bit more, plus the Easter bunny will leave more chocolate and non-chocolate treats around... I found out only a couple of years ago that it is an Easter tradition in this city to get kids new winter pyjamas for Easter, haven't started that one yet. We had some fun this morning making cardboard Easter baskets to collect eggs in - I enjoy that as much as the kids. My daughter's is just as neat as mine, Aiden's has a bit of extra glue and sticky tape.

I wish all of you the best of Easters in whatever way you celebrate and whatever that holiday means to you.

On the beach

Thursday:

I'm back! We've been away on holidays.

First news, we have successfully put a holding deposit on the boy puppy after missing out on the girl, and after much thought have decided to name him Thor. Blond and gorgeous!

On Saturday we drove to Sydney to my husband's aunt's wedding. She is the disorganised kind, so I bet my husband that she would be at least an hour late - but no! Right on time. The wedding and the reception both went smoothly. The only bad thing that happened was that the kids were playing on a knee-high wall behind the church after the ceremony and Jasmine slipped off, grazing her thigh badly on the way down. Honestly, it was as big as my hand (including fingers). She was upset at first, of course, but after the pain subsided a bit I think she rather enjoyed having it to show everyone and get a lot of sympathy. Hmmm, I wonder where she gets that from...

We spent the night and the next morning at my brother-in-law's so we got to see my cute little niece, then Sunday afternoon and night at my mum's. One of her legs has swollen up badly each time after she's had a bone-strengthening injection, so she needs to see someone about that. She was limping a bit worse because of it. A couple of days before we arrived, one of the house drainage pipes collapsed so when my brother had one of his eight hour showers (he has OCD) the house flooded. He just went to bed and mum got up the next morning to sodden carpets, which she felt too overwhelmed to do anything about. She didn't even put down towels or anything. We tried to dry it up a bit when we were there, and she had at least organised a plumber who came when we were there. She and my brother are fighting more about his hoarding, now that her health isn't so good she isn't coping as well with that stuff. It will be a great thing for her when she moves to a nursing home and finally makes him get his own apartment (which she will pay for). It's all just too much.

After those dramas we headed off down the coast to a seaside resort town called Kiama. Tim and I used to go there before we had kids. In fact our first holiday together was there after we had been dating for three months. He got food poisoning (or a virus maybe) one night and spent all night throwing up. Bit of a tester for a new relationship! I had to negotiate with the hotel for an extra night because he was too weak to leave bed the next day.

Anyway, Kiama is lovely and I don't know why we hadn't been back since we had children. I booked the hotel in a bit of a rush and "family room" turned out to be extra beds squeezed into a normal small room, but the view was great and the weather was very interesting. Hot sunny days changing to freezing heavy storms in the space of a few minutes, and back again. We watched the sky and spent as much time as we could out of doors and had a lovely time. Beaches and long walks and seeing the two blowholes and trying different restaurants.

On the way back we went on a suspended walkway high above the treetops on the side of a mountain. None of my photos really did it justice. Very very high. Not bad for someone scared of heights!

Looking forward to my own bed.

Cavoodles!

Monday:

We've gone and bought a cavoodle! We won't get her for a while because she was only born on Monday. I was doing some research and there were long waiting lists for all the kinds of dogs we liked so I put my name down for this newborn puppy, from a breeder about an hour away. I have seen a photo of four sausage-like bodies snuggled up to their mother, no idea which one is ours. We get to meet her in about 3 weeks and bring her home another month after that. So long to wait! But at least the gate should be done.

A cavoodle looks like this:

Or this:

Aren't they just the cutest dogs ever? There are a few colours but ours will be champagne, like the ones in the photos. (photo credit oakhurstcottage)

Plenty of time to buy bedding etc and move all Lego pieces behind closed doors. Now we have to agree on a name! My daughter and I each have our own ideas...

Edit: Wow, in the less-than two hours between the breeder saying they had two puppies left and me asking for the female, she had been sold! So we've got the boy. I hope. I sent reply email within about 5 minutes this time so they'd better not have sold him too! Have to rethink names now.

Dogs and rain

Friday:

We have been waiting for our backyard fence to be finished so we can get a puppy. The fence has been done but another couple of weeks before the guy has time to do the gate. Our dog will live inside most of the time but I want to be able to put her in the backyard on nice days when I'm out shopping or something. We are planning on something smallish and cute and fluffy, probably of the spaniel x poodle variety like a Cavoodle or Spoodle. Today the gardener was trying to sell me on the idea of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, apparently he has two-week-old puppies just opening their eyes. If you don't know Staffies, they are little balls of pure muscle. I'm sure they have lots of lovely qualities, but they also have the highest attack rate in Australia. So I was diplomatic, but no. Not quite what we want.

Our little girl is away at school camp this week, I hope she is having a great time. Unfortunately I think it has rained a lot where she is (here too). I hope she has enough dry clothes. We are going to a family wedding tomorrow (more rain) and then coming up we have a few days at the beach booked - not to swim, but it's a lovely area - and it's going to rain and storm there as well the whole time. Sigh. I don't mind a bit of rain, but when you are clambering over slippery rocks to see the famous blowhole or sitting on a wharf eating fish & chips you really don't want to do it in chilly windy wet conditions. Oh well, we'll make the best of it. Hopefully the tiny cinema has at least one kids movie. And at least we are not camping!

I've been sleeping much better, I think, starting to feel almost normal. Although I did fall asleep in my chair again yesterday afternoon. But I no longer feel like I really shouldn't be driving a car. I'm keeping the CPAP on basically all night now, or at least until 6am - then I have a short time without it so I can lie on my tummy. The new mask stays on my head much better. It's the older model (the new model that I tried first has only been out for about 6 weeks) and it is not as good in most other ways - it is noisier, and bigger so it makes my face sweat all around my nose - but I suppose staying on is most important. Why they took away the adjustable straps on the new model I don't understand! I might give the other one another try later, next time I go back they'll fiddle with the air pressure settings so I'll have tried a few different things before I have to decide to buy.

My husband was just offered a work trip to America for two weeks. But he's decided not to take it, two weeks (plus travelling) is a long time away from his family. And on my part, I'd be a bit scared for him. America seems so dangerous, everyone has guns and they have a murder rate 4.7 times higher than here (I just looked it up) and I don't know if I'd ever dare go there. I'd worry about him the whole time he was away. And I'd miss him of course. He's been overseas for work without us before but not for more than a week.

Last day of term before two week Easter Holidays! Yay for holidays. And Easter.

New mask

Monday:

I've been having a bit of trouble with the mask for my CPAP not staying on properly so I called them today. Even though my follow-up appointment wasn't until Friday they managed to fit me in today which was lovely of them. I have two new mask arrangements to try, one of them feels much more secure, so I'll see how it goes.

The technician also looked at the information captured by the machines and while I'm wearing I'm not having apnoea events (average of 0.1 events per hour) so I just have to use it consistently. At the moment I'm still taking it off in the night, after about 4 hours.

It was really good to hear that it is working and therefore worth the effort, I needed to hear that today. I am super tired. Forgot my phone (never do that), walked away from the bakery leaving my bread sitting on the counter, missed two turn-offs when driving, walking up to school to get the kids was like running a 5k.

Aside from that, I am doing ok.

Sad thing this afternoon. Mother of someone who recently died contacted me to see if I had any memories of him or knew anything about his book, apparently he contacted me to edit his manuscript and got a quote but never sent it to me. I wasn't able to tell her anything, I didn't even remember him unfortunately (a couple of emails three years ago that didn't lead to anything, so I'm not really surprised). She is self-publishing his book in his memory. I felt bad having to say I'd never even seen his book and didn't really remember him. He was only 22 when he died.

Cuddle your children while you can.

Aurealis Awards

Sunday:

Last night was the Aurealis Awards for Australian Speculative Fiction (Fantasy, Science Fiction, and Horror). I was one of the judges and it was in Canberra this year so of course I went. The kids had a sleep-over at a friend's house so we even got to go out to dinner first!

Actually I didn't like the dinner much, even though it was a fancy-ish place. The sauce on my chicken was quite nasty, and who doesn't have any chocolate on the dessert menu? Crazy! I like my own cooking best because I cook what I/we like, but of course it is nice not to have to cook sometimes. And it was right next door to the ceremony so it was convenient if not very nice.

The Award Ceremony was good, and not at all boring, amazingly enough. The various hosts and award-givers were all spec fiction writers or publishers so had great imaginations. The general theme was that they kept talking about the future of the Awards ceremony: in 50 years after the zombie apocalypse, in 100 years after the last remaining humans had moved to another planet, in 150 years when everyone left was a clone of the next speaker etc. Very entertaining. And I got to see quite a few "famous" people (ie published authors) and also made a contact with our biggest fantasy fiction publishing house which is awesome considering that is what I am writing at the moment and she gave me her contact details AFTER I told her that!

Someone I know fairly well didn't recognise me with my short hair and I didn't recognise someone else with her new short hair, so that was fun.

I saw some pictures of the ceremony today with me in them. Always a nasty shock.

Sleep isn't going so well, last night the mask shifted a bit and blew air into my eyes, leaving them very dry and gummy (and me without enough air). I think I need the fit adjusted, I'm seeing the sleep people again on Friday for a review. Still a work in progress.

Sleep!!

Friday:

Night three with the CPAP was awesome. I was so tired that I'd fallen asleep earlier sitting up in my chair, so it probably helped that I could barely keep my eyes open. I managed to get to sleep pretty quickly, I woke a few times and at least once had to readjust the nasal pillows (turns out if it's getting loud it's because they aren't in right) but basically slept through until 6am. That is SEVEN HOURS sleep! With only maybe three waking interruptions. How amazing is that?

I took of the CPAP then because I felt wide awake and didn't think I'd get back to sleep but then I did, for another hour or so. It was a dark rainy morning which made sleeping in easy. If you count that, although presumably I was doing the apnoea thing every few minutes, that is 8 hours sleep.

The CPAP hardly bothered me at all, so I am getting used to it already. Huge leap from yesterday.

I felt hardly at all inclined to snap the children's heads off this morning which was a welcome change. I was still pretty tired from about 11am but I can't catch up months of poor sleep all in one night. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or rather a darkness, of closed eyelids.

Night two

Thursday:

Night two was worse than night one with the CPAP. I don't know why, but I just couldn't get to sleep. I dozed a little but mainly tossed and turned and got up twice for the bathroom in two hours (I was right, the tubing can reach the ensuite so I don't have to unplug anything, I just walk in there with it all still on!). The air pressure on the CPAP starts quite low but after a while it slowly ramps up (that's why they asked me how long it takes me to get to sleep) and after a two and a half hours I felt like Darth Vader.

I think the problem was just that I couldn't stop thinking about the process. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Keep mouth closed. Breathe in, breathe out. I tried telling myself I was doing nose breathing meditation but that didn't seem to help. So shortly after 1am I took it off and went to sleep quite quickly.

I'm not discouraged (although I admit I was hoping for instant success), I know it can take weeks to get used to. So I'll just keep putting it on every night. Try to get through the days without biting anyone's head off. Write a little every day even if I don't want to and I'm only producing rubbish that will be edited out later. Find things to enjoy other than food.

Sleep apnoea

Wednesday:

Turns out I have mild to moderate sleep apnoea. I wake up an average of 14.5 times per hour (22.7 during REM sleep) because I am not getting enough air. Every four minutes. Actually, the report said that the study didn't have any time with me lying on my back (I think I was lying very still most of the time, aware of all the equipment strapped to me) and that's when most occurrences of sleep apnoea occur, so if I lie on my back sometimes on other nights my incidence of stopping breathing might be higher. Looking at the chart was really interesting, when I am awake my breathing is smooth waves of in and out, once I am asleep they are low jagged rocks and sometimes almost flat lines.

We discussed options and I decided to try the CPAP machine, I get to hire it for five weeks to see how it goes before I buy one. When the technician was programming it for me she asked how long it takes me to fall asleep and I said about an hour. She seemed very surprised that it took so long but I have been that way all my life and my ten year old daughter is the same. We checked the sleep study and it said 63 minutes on that night. I consider an hour pretty good, there have been times in my life when it has been much worse than that. I just don't know how to go to sleep. I don't understand how my husband can get into bed an go to sleep straight away. How do you do that?

So I tried the CPAP last night. It is super-quiet, quite comfortable with soft little bubbles of plastic sitting just inside my nostrils (I was expecting a whole face mask but it only goes over my nose, with a strap around the back of my head) and the pressure of air up my nose wasn't too bad at all.

What was bad was if I opened my mouth. The air is going up my nose constantly (when I breathe out through my nose that air is diverted out away from the air tube) so when I open my mouth the air rushes down the back of my throat and out my mouth which feels very odd. But much worse is if I go to breathe in through my mouth, that has competition from the air trying to flow out my mouth from my nose. And it feels like I can't get a breath at all. It causes a moment of suffocation panic. I can still breathe but it feels like I can't and it is horrible. I have to remember not to keep gasping for air, but to close my mouth and breathe steadily through my nose.

I went to sleep fairly easily but at 2am I woke to go to the toilet and decided not to put the CPAP back on. The sleep doctor had suggested taking a few nights to get used to it, and I wanted a break and to able to move around more easily. And my mouth was really dry which I blamed on the CPAP but now I think it wasn't that because I had the dry mouth all night without the CPAP. A few hours later, after little sleep and a nasty headache, I tried to put it back on but it was tricky to get right in the dark and my dopey state so I gave up. So I am very tired again today. The technician did tell me not to take it off when I went to the toilet, she said to unplug the mask from the machine and take it with me, but I thought that was silly as it seemed so easy to take on and off. Silly me. Actually the tubing is probably long enough that I could get into the ensuite without even unplugging it!

So there you go. First night partial success. I was a bit overly optimistic about how quickly it would change my life. It will take a bit of getting used to.

I am feeling very motivated to lose some weight so I don't have to wear it forever. About 85% of people are helped by losing weight, apparently.

The last few days my eating has been atrocious. Fat, salt, lots of everything. Partly influenced by PMS, but also a kind of procrastinating optimism - I won't be so tired soon and it will be so much easier to be motivated after I get my magic CPAP machine ...

My weight is up to 83.8 this morning. Awful. Probably lots of water retention with the bucketloads of salt plus PMS. Concentrating today on drinking lots of water to flush it out, and eating fresh fruit and vegetables.