Lost

Wednesday:

I am feeling quite lost at the moment in terms of getting healthy. I keep thinking "THIS thing (a new milestone high weight, a photo of myself, pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, fat clothes too small, having to wear a machine to help me breathe at night for goodness sake) will be the thing that gets me permanently motivated. But after a panicked couple of days I slip straight back into my old ways. I don't know how to stop this upward creep on the scales.

I used to have a fair bit of scorn (sorry) for overweight people who have "tried everything" yet are still fat. How about trying eating less/healthy and exercising? Simple, right? It may be simple, but that doesn't mean easy. Or even moderately difficult. It is so hard that it can seem impossible.

Maybe I am addicted to sugar and processed food or maybe stuff from my childhood has affected me or I have the wrong gut bacteria or who knows what? Maybe the reasons are relevant. I don't know. I am stuck.

I am full of excuses. We are having visitors, so I have to make dessert, and I have to eat some. I can't exercise today because I'm not wearing the right bra. Easter means I'm allowed to eat lots of chocolate. I want it. I don't feel like it. An event with unhealthy eating is coming up so I might as well start after that is over. I don't know what to have to breakfast. I'm too tired. I don't like yoghurt unless I have strawberries to put in it. Vegetables are boring. It's cold, so I'm craving fatty food. I like chips. If I exercise I'll get sweaty and then I'll have to shower and change. It might rain. It's too hot. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I feel self-conscious at this weight. Experts disagree on whether this is bad for me, so I can do what I want. I've already ruined today, I'll start tomorrow.